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Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

Welcome to Courageous Parenting Podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Hi, I’m Angie from Courageous.

Mom and Isaac from Resolute Man Together pursuing the mission to impact 10 million families and their legacies for the Kingdom of God.

We’ve been married for 23 years and are seeing the fruit from raising our nine children biblically. Based on the raw truth found in the Bible.

We can no longer let the culture win the hearts of children, as too many from Christian families are walking away from their faith by the age of 18. And it doesn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t be this way.

We’re praising the Lord. That ministry continues to expand and impact more legacies. We couldn’t do this without you. Whether you pray for us, give us five star reviews, or share on social.

Or even if you purchase courses and merch or join the Be Courageous app community, enjoy the coffee or support financially. We’re so thankful you are a big part of the 10 Million Legacies movement.

If you want access to all the episodes, show notes, and other biblically based resources, go to Be Courageous Ministry.

Org. Join us as we start another important conversation about effective parenting in a fallen world. Welcome to the Courageous Parenting Podcast.

Hey guys.

So glad you’re here today. We’re talking about.

Does your child have a defiant heart or a crushed spirit?

This is so vital. Every. I can’t imagine a single family not needing encouragement in this area.

Yeah, no that’s true. We’re gonna be talking about obedience and disobedience. But really, the heart of it is defiant attitudes. Right? Um, and we’re going to talk we’re going to go through some scripture here that you guys can encourage your kids with and raise them up in. Um, but I think that we have some other really convicting scriptures for parents, too. So hold on tight. Here we go.

Practical insights. I mean, scriptures you can use right with your kids. So good. But hey, thanks so much for being part of the 10 Million Legacies movement. When you share on social media, five star reviews helps the algorithms. All of that stuff is so helpful, encourages us to and we couldn’t do it without you. We are so thankful for your participation in the ministry, in the mission and so forth. All resources. Be courageous Ministry. Org including you can donate to help the mission of Double Impact this year. Uh, there’s some much needed, uh, you know, length to go there and also purchasing things and, uh, letting people know about it. Did you know, by the way, that, um, churches can use our curriculum as part of their programs? So there’s biblical friendships and there’s the parenting mentor program. So there’s really unique and awesome ways churches are doing that.

That’s right. So we love partnering with churches and trying to stand in the gap as far as, um, standing up and parenting equip or equipping parents in biblical parenting. And that’s why we created the Parenting Mentor Program. So if you guys are interested in that, you can go to Courageous Parenting.com.

Absolutely. So okay, let’s dive into this.

All right. So you know, obviously the the title of today’s podcast is really a question that every parent should first ask their children or not ask their children, but ask themselves about their children. Does your child have a defiant heart or or a crushed spirit? And I would just even add on, or do they have both? Right. Because sometimes the crushed spirit or what you’re seeing in their countenance is because of their struggling with being in bondage of sin. And this defiant, independent spirit which we’re going to dig into in a little bit. But I think that the first thing is, as far as talking about defiance, obviously, if there was no laws, if there was no no righteous living or unrighteous living, right, if there were no rights or wrongs, to put it really simply for children, then there wouldn’t be a defiant attitude. Right? But there really is. You’re saying if they’re in a wrong.

If there wasn’t a standard, you couldn’t define defiance.

Exactly. Exactly. Because why does defiance exist? Because there is authority that is helping to lead and guide and teach and and within that there’s rebuke, there’s correction, there’s admonishment, there’s, um, standards and expectations for rules and different settings. Think about sports, think about school setting. Think about in a family culture, within a church, within anything that you do. There are rules, laws, regulations, all of those things right? In society there are. And so because there are those things when when people struggle in their flesh to obey those things, they can have the fruit of that is a defiant attitude. Right. And so I think that we first want to dive in and talk about defining what a defiant attitude is, right? Because sometimes that can be confusing. Is it disobedience? Well, it can happen during disobedience, right. Um, and that’s where I think parents experience it the most, is that they’re like, man, they’re just having such a bad attitude. And they’re and they’re disobeying as part of what they’re seeing in the action part of it. Right? Yeah. But in reality, it’s it’s sometimes also the attitude exists without there being a specific action or inaction, if you will, because disobedience can either be not doing what they’re told or doing something they were told not to do. Right. So it could be action or inaction. Um, and you see the attitude of I’m going to do this even though they told me not to or I’m not going to do that even though they told me to. Um, but you can also see defiance in an attitude as far as rolling eyes go.

Yeah. And I think that, you know, do you really have a standard? When I think of a standard, it’s it means it’s something that’s not just spoken, but it’s backed up. And if there isn’t a standard that’s backed up and is only spoken, then it’s hurting all standards, because then there’s a wishy washy feeling amongst those who are expected to hold a standard, and they may not. Follow anything. And so I think our word is so powerful, and we need to follow through on what we set out to do. Which means I’ve always taught this in business, too. You have to be careful what standard you hold, because then the next question is, are you willing to expect it and hold the standard? Of course, in grace and love, correction, um, communication and all these things. But if you’re not going to follow through, then it even actually hurts you to have one.

You know, you’re bringing up something that I, I hadn’t even really thought of until we just got to this conversation, which is really important because as biblical Christians, people who love Jesus, we want to hold a biblical standard, but there are some times a lot of expectations or extra standards that we can impose upon our children that are extra biblical. I’m not saying that they’re bad. They could be good, but but maybe they’re extra. And so being really aware of what you’re expecting is important, because it’s one way that parents, I believe this is just something I’ve, like personally been convicted of in the past is am I expecting too much and is my expectations provoking my children?

You know, it’s interesting. I think back I was running this organization over two states. There was 30 offices, physical office locations and my younger entrepreneurial years. And I remember when I had this epiphany of creating change and growing the organization, many epiphanies. And one of them was to reevaluate what I expected and to recalibrate that and get it distilled to what I’m actually willing to follow through on in terms of the culture, in terms of what I expect when people come to meetings, when people are on conference calls together and these kinds of things, and you can translate that to your family, because sometimes we might be expecting lots of little things, but we’re not following through on them. And that hampers the follow through on the big things. And what I noticed there, and also noticed in my family, is that when I only expect what I’m going to fall through on, when I hold a standard that I’m going to follow through on, then my words have meaning and people actually follow through. Is that when I say, okay, bring this to the meeting, everybody brings it because they know I’m going to utilize it and I care about it. And I’m not just asking for things I don’t follow through on.

That’s so good. And I also think, I wonder when sometimes we expect too much out of our kids. If I’m just to take it down to the family, that then the kids can feel like they’re walking on eggshells, right? Because they’re they’re like just going too far with expectations where maybe there’s an expectation of perfection or, um, a temptation for, for a parent who maybe is struggling with OCD or control in a sense, and they start getting frustrated when things aren’t going their way. Right? Because they’ve got a lot to do in a day or whatever it is. And the kids are going along with the parent for the ride, basically, but they feel like they can never live up to their parents expectations, or they’re always disappointing their parents. And that really, when we think about it, if we were the kid and someone else was in authority over us and we were experiencing that, even if it had nothing to do with us, but we were just going along for the ride. It’s easy for that kid to feel like they’re the reason why the parent is upset or overwhelmed or stressed out or anxious or whatever, when in reality it might just be the parent.

But that’s why this is such an important topic is because as parents, we need to recognize that God’s Word actually warns us to be careful not to discourage our children, which when your child is discouraged, that could translate into having a crushed spirit, for example. And there’s there’s scripture about both of these that we want to just share with you guys. Um, but it is important to discern, is my child struggling in the flesh right now and having an independent attitude and a defiant spirit? Um, and there may be some other things that you could pinpoint, right? Like, let’s just talk about some of those. Are they forsaking your teaching? Are they despising rebuke? Are they resenting correction? Are they being disobedient to what God has commanded? And you’re just expecting what God has commanded? Or do they have an independent spirit and don’t want to follow? Um, all of those things could potentially go under defiant attitude. Um, but you might see an outward expression of an inward heart issue because this is really a heart issue. Right. And so what are some Isaac, let’s just maybe give the parents some, um, examples of outward expressions of a defiant attitude.

Oh, you know, it’s in the non-verbals nonverbal makes up more meaning and communication than actual words. So you can see it in the gestures, you can see it in their hesitancy. You might have to ask them three times, um, these kinds of things that their heart’s just not there. They’ll do a compliance. You have a compliant child, but you don’t have your child’s heart as much as maybe you want. And I think don’t be discouraged by that, because I think as parents, we’re always chasing our children’s hearts, you know, and we’re talking about human beings here that have the repercussions of the fall in Genesis, like we all do. And so, you know, it’s it’s it’s a constant process of persevering for your child’s heart and talking through it, but not just sometimes we just, uh, you know, we’ll correct when the action is wrong, but we should care more. Maybe about the heart.

Yeah. Truly. Like, one of the things we talk about in the parenting mentor program, in the heart session is that, um, the the sins that we see outwardly, right? The actions or the inactions, the disobedience, the, the bragging, the sinful attitudes, um, are really an outward expression of something that’s deeper in their heart. It’s a symptom of a disease in the heart. And and recognizing that that is something that we need to gently but consistently and biblically try to lead.

Medical freedom is something we all desire. And I think we’d all agree that in the last four years, we’ve really realized just how important it is to have a trusted, like minded doctor.

You should be able to build your medical team and choose who you get care from. Knowing that where you spend your money is a matter of stewardship and a desire to support local Christian medical businesses. Absolutely.

I don’t know about you, but I prefer to help support businesses that have a biblical worldview on life and health.

Here’s the problem more often than not, you have to choose your doctor off a preferred in-network list. And if I’m really honest, those clinics usually see such mass quantities of people that it’s incredibly impersonal and you walk away feeling like a number. In addition, in most cases, in order to be seen by specialists, you’re required to get a referral from a primary care physician, which costs more time and money.

We want to introduce you to a biblical approach to health care Samaritan Ministries. You can find out more about it at Samaritan Ministries. Org slash be courageous.

They’re a health sharing ministry built on biblical principles of bearing one another’s burdens practically, financially, through helping with health care costs and spiritually through praying and caring for one another.

Samaritan ministries gives you the freedom you desire to choose your doctors and health care professionals, including. This is cool alternative care providers like chiropractors and naturopathic providers as well.

The process is simple and provides us, as Christians, a way to obey Scripture and care for one another as the larger church.

Samaritan ministries is the only health care sharing ministry with direct member to member sharing.

I love that we send our monthly share directly to another brother or sister in Christ to support someone going through a medical crisis or recovering from a medical need, rather than to some large corporation.

So if you’d like to find out more about Samaritan Ministries, go to Samaritan Ministries. Org forward slash be courageous. That’s Samaritan ministries org forward slash be courageous to learn more.

When you sign up don’t forget to tell them that be courageous ministry or Angie and Isaac Tolpin referred you.

The links will also be in our weekly podcast show notes at Be Courageous Ministry.

Org to lead our children’s heart. I think if the if we were using that kind of terminology in a moment where we have an opportunity, kids are fighting about something. You have an opportunity to lead your children towards Jesus through the means of you’re going to mediate, you’re going to correct, you’re going to share scripture with them. You’re going to help them to confess and apologize. You’re going to lead them to a place of understanding while you’re talking to them about how hurtful it was. And hopefully they have a remorseful heart attitude, and then you’re going to lead them in reconciliation, because forgiveness is incredibly important and so is restoration, right? And so you go through this process with your children. And really what what I just described to you is a, a mom and a dad’s first and foremost ministry, which is the ministry of reconciliation to other people and taking your children to the Lord, the reconciliation between them and the Lord. And when it comes to sins like disobedience of parents, for example, or disobedience of the word, which there are many other authorities that we all experience in our lives. But for children, if they can’t obey mom and dad, then it’s going to be much harder to obey God. And if it’s hard to obey mom and Dad, then it might be hard for them to obey teachers or coaches or bosses down the road.

It’s really important. And just because we were talking about standards that you follow through on, we’re not saying lower your standards. No, we actually, in a lot of cases, would probably encourage people to raise their standard. Yeah. Uh, in this world that we’re living in that keeps lowering the bar on what’s expected or acceptable. And so I think we should be raising the bar. Um, but the point was that make sure you follow through on it.

Um, and understanding. So there’s defiance, right? We listed a bunch of different, um, aspects of what defines could look like outwardly and then inwardly what that really is just to kind of talk this out. I think a lot of times as parents, I think it’s easy for us to see an action and act on the action or react, if you will, but instead recognizing, okay, there’s this reoccurring theme I’m seeing in my child’s life, and to really pray about it and ask God to reveal to you what the real heart issue is, whether it’s in your relationship with them or their relationship with someone else, um, or their relationship with God. Are they just literally wrestling with their flesh because all of us wrestle with our flesh, right? It says for all have fallen short of the glory of God. And Romans 323 and so we know because we’re human and we’re raising humans, that this is a common thing that humans will wrestle with. And so to teach your kids that and kind of take the pressure off and go, hey, I’ve struggled with this too. You’re not alone. That’s why we need Jesus. Like that would be at the really ultra little kid level, right? Where you’re just sharing real. It’s not a long lecture, but you’re helping them to feel safe and be able to share with you about the things they are struggling with, where they don’t feel like mom and dad think they’re perfect and they’re not. But instead, you’re creating a foundational relationship where you’re telling your kids, I know it’s so hard to forgive your brother. I understand it is hard to forgive sometimes. That’s why we need Jesus to help us. Let’s pray about it. Right? And, you know, just over and over again in all of those different occurrences that can happen throughout a day, a week, a lifetime raising your kids. We have so many opportunities. But I think that what happens when parents are just dealing with the actions and not the heart. This separation starts to grow in their relationship with their parents, more and more and more and more to where they’re more disconnected than ever.

It reminds me of like a works based mentality towards God. It’s a workspace mentality towards parents, and they’re just doing it because they know it’s the right thing that they’re supposed to do, but there’s not a heart for it. And as they grow older, that’s going to create a wedge. And then when you really need to have deep conversations with them and have their hearts and the teenage years, someone else is going to get their hearts and it’s going to be peers, it’s going to be maybe even well-intentioned leaders in church that just don’t have experience and are steered right, not in the very best way where you could steer them in a better way if you had their heart so.

Or even friends, parents or grandparents or I mean, just there’s so many other opportunities, right? And so I think it’s really a powerful thing for parents to be self-examining and just asking themselves the question, so is this my. And maybe it is a matter of both, right? Like maybe your child is wrestling in the flesh, but you also maybe have contributed to them having a crushed spirit. So let’s look at what the Bible says about crushed spirit here in Proverbs 17 verse 22, it says, A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Um, we wanted to share about this idea of crushed spirit because, um, Colossians 321 says, fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. And when a child is discouraged, what’s one way that that discouragement can look like in a physical, outward appearance? If a child is discouraged, they might have a crushed spirit. Yeah, they.

Might be down. They might not be as proactive or energetic about doing things they used to enjoy. They might, uh, just be, you know, not happy.

Right. And then you’ve got Proverbs 1513 that says, A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed. So there’s another verse about it. And then it just says, the heart of him who has understanding, see, seeks knowledge. So if if you’re a person who has understanding. The way I read this for me as a mom is if I’m a person who has understanding, I’m going to seek the knowledge as to why my child has a cheerful face is it’s it says right here, it’s a glad heart, makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed. So obviously there’s a visible appearance on a person’s face. If they have a crushed spirit as opposed to a cheerful face. Right? It’s the countenance of a person. And so this is something that’s not necessarily something you evaluate in the midst of conflict. It’s like, what is their face regularly towards you or in conversation with you? Are they kind of hardened of heart like I also think of Pharaoh. I think of like, what is that hardened heart? Right. Because a crushed spirit or discouraged spirit would be in my mind. So first there’s discouragement, then there’s crushed. Right? Because if the discouragement doesn’t turn into encouragement, and a pursuing of the child in the relationship can turn into a crushed spirit where the kid just is like, yeah, my mom and dad just don’t love me. Maybe. Maybe they’re believing lies from the enemy because they feel like they can never impress you. They can never be good enough. Right? And maybe they’re struggling with that so much that. And if they are, I’m just going to tell you the enemy will exploit any weakness. And children are massively under attack right now. And they need to know that they’re loved by their parents and that no matter what they do or don’t do, they’re still going to be loved because that’s the God that we serve.

So I hope you tell your children that no matter what, I love you. And it’s so important that they’re not just believing in God so that you love them, it’s important that you’re cultivating and pointing them to a real and awesome God. And they’re learning all about him, and they want to obey him. And when they start to really, really wanting to obey God, wow. It’s going to be so much easier for them to obey you because God tells them to do that. So the most important authority you want them to care about in their lives is God’s authority. And then when you say, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right, for you will live long in the land and prosper. Mhm. Um, then it means something to them. It’s like, wow, I love God, I love my parents. God is telling me to obey my parents. There’s something.

Wrong. God by obeying that.

I need to work on here if I’m.

Not. Yeah. It’s it’s interesting. It also goes back to this, um, second Timothy 316 that we wanted to share with you guys says all Scripture is breathed out by God. I’m gonna stop there for a second. All scripture, all Scripture is breathed out by God. That alone is amazing. That’s the sufficiency of Scripture right there. Our kids need to believe this. And it says. And it’s profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training and righteousness, that the man of God may be complete and equipped for every good work. As parents, that’s what we’re doing. We’re trying to equip our children so they’re prepared for every good work. But we have to use the Bible in order to do that. And so using scriptures like this and teaching your kids, hey, listen, God’s Word has some commands for you. God’s word also has wisdom for you. God’s God has a way of living. And then we have this temptation to live in the flesh and to follow the way that the world does things. And having that conversation with your kids and making the distinction. And the older and older they get, the more conversations you have about the distinctions of what does it look like in the world? What does it look like in the Bible? What is the worldly way? What is God’s way? Way of the flesh, God’s way. And you keep teaching these different things because there’s Scripture for both warning you about the ways of the flesh in the world, and scriptures that will exhort you and command you in living God’s way, such as children, obey your parents in the Lord.

I would think right now think about each of your children and think about a thermometer above their head, and it’s a heart thermometer. And think about how full is it? It goes up to say, 100 and or how empty is it and in your heart relationship with them. And if you imagine as you’re going through the week periodically just thinking about where is their heart, where is my relationship with them? And if it’s not up in the top there, then, you know you have to work on it and it takes some sacrifice. You might need to take them out and get a loan time with them, and just really pour into them and think about how are they wired, how are they different. You can’t treat all your children the same way, you know that. But sometimes we naturally gravitate towards that. We’re wired in a certain way and we gravitate towards how we’re wired, and we’re just expecting everybody to follow suit because I’m the parent. Well, you know, they are wired differently. They have different needs and love languages and so forth. And so you’ve got to learn about your kids and go outside of what you care about to sometimes what they care about.

So let’s talk about um, so when kids are being defiant, there are some outward signs, if you will. Hey there. We just wanted to invite you to join us in the next Parenting Mentor program, where we talk more about the heart of parenting in session two. So take a listen to this next little clip and we hope you join us. Steve and I.

Realize that we were getting too comfortable with the world’s vision of how to raise our children.

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This program provided awesome scripture based teachings and just some really great practical applications.

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It has given me the vision for not just the different things that we might focus on as parents who are trying to raise our kids biblically, like how our kids are behaving or what we’re doing with discipline, but also the things of the heart.

We now have a game plan to how we want to raise our children. We have so many answers to the questions that have been in our mind.

It’s not just these hypothetical situations or it’s not just this. Here’s what I think you should do. It’s let me show you where in Scripture this is.

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Um, obvious disobedience is like an obvious thing if your kids are being disobedient. That’s a defiant attitude, right? Like when you look up the definition in the dictionary, it says open resistance and bold disobedience, right? And then they use um protesters as an example. Right. And so envision your kid being a protester. I don’t want to do that. Right. And they’re there. Or maybe they aren’t saying it verbally like the three year old or four year old would, but they’re in their heart. They maybe get up and they’re compliant and they start doing it. But their attitude, so maybe they’re being obedient, but are they actually what is their heart saying? And that’s where it’s a matter of defiance or not. And so the reality is is one we we look at that and we go, okay, is there anything in our relationship that that I’ve done right? As parents? We would reevaluate that because we want to chase after our kids hearts. We want to be in good relationship with them. We want the same thing that Jesus wants from us. Um, in John 14, there are three different times where Jesus says, if you love me, you will obey my commandments. If you obey my commandments, then you, then I, then you will love me, and my father will make his dwelling with you. He says it over and over again to where it’s making this really strong point of like, God cares about the heart. And as parents, we look at God our father as our example. And we also want that too. We don’t want our kids to just like, yes, sir, be like military and and just be robots and obey. We want them to want to obey, right? We want them to want to have relationship with us. In the same way God wants us to want to have relationship with him. And hey.

We understand we have an almost three year old. We have little kids still. We are in the thick of it with you. We also have older teenagers and we have kids launched. And so we’re in every parenting season at once right now. And we were just at the park for four hours yesterday with everybody and some friends and so forth, and we went to church and everybody sat with us in a church where that isn’t a normal thing for people to do. Right.

And so and the three year old, well, almost three year old, decided that he wanted to be loud and not whisper his requests and was really getting fussy. So there were multiple. So we understand out.

We get this. We just yesterday we had to address the heart of our almost three year old.

Over and over.

Over and over again. And we had to work with him. We had to communicate with him, we had to correct him. We we had to go through the process and over and over and over again. And by the time we got home, he was he was a big day, but.

He was totally asleep. He was smashed potatoes for sure.

But I just wanted you to know we’re in the thick of it. And we’ve been doing this for 23 years because we’ve always had a three year old.

Actually, that’s probably very true. Almost always, almost always. I think there’s only a couple of years where we didn’t have a three year old. But, you know, I think that there’s this element of when we read scriptures like Philippians 214 says, do all things without grumbling or complaining. Okay. So this is obviously about doing things, being obedient to God, or doing your work as unto the Lord is another scripture that comes to my mind. Work heartily is unto the Lord, and we teach our kids these verses on a regular basis. I’m sure you guys do too, but they give us insight into what the what. When you disobey that, you are grumbling. You are complaining. Another translation says whining, right? And so those would be an outward appearance of a heart problem. I’m sure you would agree and that would be in my mind. It’s like God is telling us to do something God’s way, do all things without grumbling and complaining. What is the world’s way? Complain. Being in the flesh, I don’t. Oh, I don’t feel like it. It’s so hot. Do we have to keep working at the weeds? You know, whatever it is, we were just weeding a few weeks ago, so that was something that I heard a little bit. Can we stop, please?

Oh, by the way, that’s where family culture comes in. Working together. Tolponds work hard. Tolponds our team. I mean, what what are your family? That’s a whole nother topic. But episode two talks about that.

Yeah, but I just I want to point out to you, like how we read scripture and we look at these things, we’re like, wow, this verse is not just telling us what to do. It’s also warning about what not to do at the same time. And that is one example of having a defiant attitude towards the Lord. If we’re doing something in a grumbling, whining way when we know that the Bible says not to. But here’s the key is that little kids, they don’t know what the Bible says completely. And so it’s our job as parents to be discipling our children and teaching them verses like Philippians 214, for example. Um, but then also teaching them some other scriptures. There’s this one scripture I really, really was excited to share with you guys. It’s in Hebrews 1026, which I think, you know, the whole scripture around it is really worth studying. And the older that your kids are, the more it’s going to make sense to them. But I think that this is really important for us as parents, because sometimes we can expect too much of our kids without having taught them right. It’s like we expect them to be honoring or respecting an elder or something. And, and, and we haven’t ever talked to them about the importance of obeying the elders or whatever. Right. So listen to this verse. It’s Hebrews 1026. For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins. That’s a big deal. But this is the thing it’s saying. After receiving the knowledge of truth, our kids haven’t been given the knowledge of truth in all things when it comes to the things that they do or don’t do.

Right. And so as parents, it’s our responsibility to teach our children God’s commands. We see that in Deuteronomy six. We see it all throughout Scripture. But this is the thing when we’re when we’re teaching our kids and we’re correcting them, we need to pause for a second, knowing we’re going to provoke our children and potentially create a hardened heart if we’re expecting something out of them that we haven’t taught or isn’t obvious. Like as kids get older, there starts to be more of. They start to learn more of like how to discern if something’s right or wrong. But when they’re little, they’re literally learning this. So for the parents of little, little kids that are not willing to tell their their toddler or crawling baby know when they’re trying to put their finger in the light socket, you should be telling them no for sure, telling them no and there should be a little flick on the hand too. If they do touch it. Why? Because they could literally kill themselves if they stuck their finger or an object in that electric socket. But if there, there’s this whole like worldly movement of parenting that’s like, oh no, we’re just going to childproof everything, make everything so that we don’t teach them. We don’t have to say no, we make it simple for ourselves. But in reality, what we’re doing is we’re skipping a huge, necessary element of parenting that your kids need developmentally to start beginning. How to discern what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s dangerous, and what’s okay.

Interesting thought is, is having your children’s heart also tied to correcting your children consistently and following through. And the answer is yes. And let’s think of an example real quick a really wealthy family that gives everything to their children anything they want and gives them a lot of freedom and just loves and supports them in every single direction but doesn’t correct them, doesn’t have boundaries or standard of behavior and so forth, and follows through on that. They might verbally have some standards, but they don’t actually follow through from when they’re little all the way up. What do we usually see in that kind of situation? We usually see children that actually don’t feel loved by their parents, because it’s not about the things. It’s not about all the activities. There’s something tied to. When someone really cares for you, they’re looking out for you. Even when it doesn’t feel good.

Even pulling you out of the fire.

They’re pulling you out of the fire. Wow. There’s there’s security in that. There’s like, wow, they actually love me enough to do what I don’t want them to do, uh, right now, or I don’t feel like doing right now and they’re going to follow through. They really love me. That’s right.

And I think the older kids get, the more they remember those moments and they come back and they say, thank you for those things. You know, it’s interesting. James 417 says, so whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it for him, it is sin. And so you can read this through the lens of being an adult, a spiritually mature Christian. Right? And you’re like, okay, so if I know the right thing to do and I don’t do it, I fail to do it. It’s sin for me, right? But what about kids who are not told, right. They’re not told whether it’s a right thing to do or not. But they failed to do it. And a parent thinks they should just know that, right. And I think that this is where we start to evaluate and have grace in these situations where we go, okay, wait a second, maybe. I told the older four kids and I taught them about this, but I haven’t had that conversation with that kid yet. I’ve done that before, and I’ve had to come at it from a posture of grace and really dig in and teach the kid. And I’ll tell you that those are the moments more than anything, where those kids get it, it sinks in and I never have a problem again.

Hey, let’s just remember it is in our DNA as humans to be forgetful people. Yeah. Uh, just look at the Israelites. And they were kept forgetting what God was telling them in the desert. And so they never made it out of the desert because of that, they kept forgetting. And we’re a forgetful people. And so it is important to have grace and repetition. Use the saying as the mother of learning, right? So repetition is vital as parents. Sometimes it can be frustrating to repeat, and sometimes there is defiance there, and sometimes it’s just part of the learning process. And so we need to not be frustrated if we’re being repetitive all the time, because sometimes it’s just needed if you repeat. And good leadership actually when it’s not defiance, but good leadership teaches someone something as if it’s the first time they ever taught it. When they can tell someone forgot something in an innocent way. Um, and so remember that. And that was a powerful lesson I learned from a leader one time, which is, wow, if you. But if you teach him again in a condescending way, like you should know.

That you should know this already, then it.

Wasn’t a defiant thing that creates an exasperation.

It does. And, um, Ephesians six four also warns parents not to exasperate their children, right, because they could become discouraged. You know, here’s an encouraging Bible verse. You guys like encouraging Bible verses I do for parenting. Psalm 103, verse 13 says, as a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame. He remembers we are dust, he knows us, and he shows compassion based upon what he knows of us. He’s able to look at the heart. The Bible says man looks at outward appearance, but. But God looks at the heart. Man looks at outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. And we need to try harder to look at our kids hearts as best as we can. Um, to be able to know when to show compassion, to know when to be consistent, to be able to discern when it’s defiance or if it’s a crushed spirit to encourage them and pursue them and heal that relationship. Or if it’s both right and it takes discernment, it takes investment, it takes time.

Hey, look around in the world right now. I would say that people feel the most unloved they’ve ever felt. Why do I say that? Is because what has been allowed to happen in the last 20 years, especially the last five years, anything goes. There are no standards, there are no boundaries. And I think with that, people in their independent spirit have embraced that. But I bet you if you did psychological studies, they probably feel the least loved as a populace they ever have and as a cross section of people. And another aspect too, is when you have your children’s hearts, there’s nothing to be fearful about. But the more distant you are in a heart relationship with your children, the more you’re probably going to fear the craziness of this world and the peer pressure and all these things. But when you have your children’s hearts, they’ll talk to you about anything when you don’t. They’re hiding just about everything.

Yeah, and that’s definitely something to look out for. Look out for the signs of a kid that’s hiding and hiding their life. Because they could be leaving, living a secret life. Right? Um. But instead, if they’re open with you, that’s that’s a good, good sign. You know, there there are probably a lot of people out there that are scared that if they move into the teenage years, they’re going to have defiant teenagers, because that’s kind of a the rebellious, defiant teenager is what the world portrays. But we just want to encourage you guys that you do not need to believe the lies from the enemy and expect your kids to be rebellious and disrespectful and defiant as teenagers. The teenage years can be your best years ever.

They absolutely can be. But I’ll be really candid with you and honest that it is rare that actually most people do experience that. Why? Because they’re doing the normal Christian rhythms. They literally are going down the normal route of the mass of Christians around them that they think are intentional and so forth. And they’re not digging in in the heart relationship, doing the hard work of truly discipling their children, correcting their children, following through spending a long time spending group time casting vision, caring about the uniqueness of who they are, educating them towards that uniqueness, and really embracing the full parenthood that. Is, we believe, required in these uncertain, unprecedented times that you’ve got to be more intentional than previous generations. And you know what? It’s not easy. But you know, what’s harder is when they’re disrespecting you in the teenage years, you don’t have the hearts and everybody else does that aren’t the greatest influences. That is way harder. And so it’s way more motivating to do the hard work, break, uh, the normal Christian rhythms and upgrade to what’s harder in the moment, but better for the long term.

That was amazing. We could just end right there. That was amazing. Well, no. I just want to encourage you guys, though, that if you do have a defiant teenager or a rebellious kid, it’s never too late to chase after your child’s heart and invest that time. But you may have to do some really drastic countercultural in their eyes. Crazy things. You might have to make some really crazy decisions, like, you may have to pull them out of school and bring them home for the last year. But I just want to say this if you have two years left with your kids and your relationships, not good. Then you need to do something else, because what’s been the normal rhythm is obviously not working. So you need to make some some change in your family culture, some change in the rhythm, whatever it is. Right? Isaac listed off a whole bunch of different ideas. Um, but I guarantee you that if if you are pursuing your child and caring about their heart, and you keep chasing after their heart and praying for them, that most people will see that love people are motivated by love. That’s how God designed us.

I love what you said. I call that a disruption. Disruption is a very good word. I love the word disruption. Now, a lot of times people don’t like it because it’s when things happen to them. So. So they don’t like the word because it’s disrupting what’s good in the direction we’re supposed to be going. But I like it. But I put another word in front of it. I call it a positive disruption, and positive disruptions only happen when we make them happen, and it’s uncomfortable. And it takes fortitude. It takes resiliency, it takes going against the grain. It takes not just taking all opinions and worrying about what people think around me, even sometimes loved ones. But it takes locking arms with your spouse and going, you know what? This is going to look strange to people around us, but we’re going to make a positive disruption and we’re going to pull the kids out here. We’re going to go in this direction, we’re going to do the harder path. We’re going to move. Usually the harder path is the more fruitful path, and the easier path is the one most people are doing.

That’s true. So we just wanted to give you guys some verses in order. If you have your journals, you could write this down. If you don’t just go to be Courageous Ministry. Org. There’s always show notes on every one of our podcast episodes, but if your kids are over like nine years old or even eight years old, depending on the kid on up, it would be really, really advantageous of you as you are discipling your children to go through these verses that we have for you in regards to talking about and and engaging with them in the reality that people struggle with sin. But in the end, if we repent of our sins, Jesus forgives us. And so here’s the first verse, Romans 323. Then you’re going to go to Romans 623. And then we have two verses that talk about the the need for knowing the knowledge, right, which is Hebrews 1026 and James 417. We shared both of those today with you guys. And then there’s first John one nine and Romans ten nine, which talk about forgiveness in Christ, and how if we confess our sins, he will cleanse us of all unrighteousness, and we can walk in fellowship with one another, and which is a really beautiful picture.

And I just want to encourage you guys in your walks. Also, if you’re struggling and you have a defiant attitude towards any authorities that God has placed in your life, whether that’s spiritual authorities in your church, whether that’s household authorities, if you’re wife, you have a head, a leader in your home called your husband. Right. And some women struggle with having a defiant attitude and not having reverence. And and that goes both ways, having reverence for one another. But in being in your biblical gender role, if you are living in any situation where there is authority over you, maybe you have a job, maybe you are part of a community group and you’re just a participant, and there’s a leader and you have a hard time following leadership. I just want to encourage you because there are there are certain times as long as those people are being biblical, if you are having a hard time following and it’s an independent spirit thing, and only you would know that because you need to examine your own heart. Then we really as a parents, we need to take that on and deal with it. We need to repent. We need to confess of our sins, turn from it, and not be that way.

Because it’s really hard to raise kids who are going to be obedient, kids that are not going to have bad attitudes when following your leadership. If you have a bad attitude, following leadership and they see that. So we’re wrapping this up today in perfect, courageous parenting style. There’s your challenge for today to evaluate. Do you have a hard time following who God has put in your life that you are supposed to be following? And you know, I would say that if you are and you’re having this problem with your kids, I would even encourage you to take it a step further and confess that to your kids and share with them how you know, and that’s something that you’re working on, and ask them to pray for you. You might be surprised at not only how much you are able to grow in this area, but it could convict your kids also to repent of the same thing. Hey, thanks for listening and being a part of the 10 Million Legacies movement. Go to be courageous ministry. Org for more biblically based resources, ways to switch where you spend your money that support the mission and information about the incredible Be Courageous app community for believers.

Also, we wanted to quickly tell you about our six week online Parenting Mentor program.

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