We all know we aren’t perfect parents and perfection isn’t the objective. We will make mistakes with our children, but do our children see us walking in humility when we do? Just as we expect them to apologize when they stumble, do we apologize to them when we make a mistake too?  You may not see the ramifications of not doing this while they are young, but it will likely create distance as they get older, which is when they need your wisdom most in navigating the teenage years. This episode will help. 

 

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Main Points From This Episode:

• You may be projecting that you think you’re perfect to your children if you never apologize to them when you stumble.
• Can your children come to you with a challenge or are you too unapproachable and never wrong?
• Are you setting a standard that’s too hard to attain?
• Your children know the truth, so inadvertently projecting perfection will growingly feel hypocritical to your children as they get older.
• It’s vital to have a correct view of ourselves.

Scriptures From This Episode:

– 1 Peter. 5:5 – “Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.””

– Proverbs 15:33 – “The fear of the Lord is instruction in wisdom, and humility comes before honor.“

– Romans 12:3 – “For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.”

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Welcome to Courageous Parenting Podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Hi, I’m Angie from Courageous.

Mom and Isaac from Resolute Man Together pursuing the mission to impact 10 million families and their legacies for the Kingdom of God.

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Join us as we start another important conversation about effective parenting in a fallen world. Well, hey, welcome, everybody. We’re so glad you’re here today. We’re talking about humble parents when hearts, of course. Meaning their.

Children. That’s right. We’re so glad that you guys are here with us today. You know, we in this episode, we might share a couple stories of examples of things that we’ve been humbled by in our parenting today. I hope that’s an encouragement to you. We’ve been at this parenting thing for 23 years now. Isn’t that crazy?

It’s amazing. Yeah. We still have.

Littles in our home, which I would say it doesn’t matter how old your kids are, there is a need for humility in every relationship and every stage. And I would say that parenting in general is humbling.

Yeah, it doesn’t matter how seasoned you are. You know, we’ve been through this many times. That’s right. With having littles, we have three littles, seven and under right now and we still, you know.

Learning, we’re learning.

Have emotions and you know, don’t always say things perfectly and those kinds of things. And we have opportunities often to humble ourselves with our children and apologize to them. And I think that’s so important and it’s important. It’s also wonderful to know that we don’t have to try and project perfection to our children. In fact, if anybody does, that is incredibly harmful to your children. Yes. Because they will pick up on that and mimic it or hate it, one or the other.

Well, we’ll dive into that in a little bit. I also want to just say out there, one of the things that’s interesting is that if you’re a parent of more than one child, then you understand this comment that every kid is so different. And because every kid is so different, you as a parent are constantly learning from all of your children. And even if you’ve parented 4 or 5, like I look at like our older six, right? So they’re all like, our sixth is about to turn 13. So our first six kids are all like teenagers and young adults in their 20s, right? Yeah. And then we have our next three that are younger. Seven, four and two. And their personalities are so different that like, there are certain aspects of each kid. That is been a humbling experience for me in the sense of like if I was to ever get a thought in my head of like, Hey, I got this parenting thing down and you know, why can’t other people do things like this way or whatever? No. Nope. Every single one of my kids has has been able to refine that out of me, if you will. But with the.

Lord. But you have had those thoughts before as a younger mom.

Yeah, Well, it was interesting because being a mom, a first time mom, you guys know, because I’ve shared on almost every single podcast that something about motherhood of Littles. But I didn’t know what I was doing. You know, I babysat a few times, but not really babies. It was mainly like kids that I babysat when I was a teenager. So when we had Kelsey, I think she was the first baby you ever held, right?

Yeah, that could be. Yeah.

And then maybe there was one other baby that you had held just before that because we had some friends that had a baby. But for us, we didn’t really know what we were doing. We didn’t know how to be parents. And so that was a boot camp, all of itself of just like figuring out how to do everything from breastfeeding to diaper changing to bath time to like, feeding. And oh, now there’s discipline involved and telling your child no. And like all of those things, that’s just like you don’t know what you’re doing, right? And so I would say that the first time around, super, super humbling. But we were blessed that, you know, we were able to spend a lot of time together. And it was it was a real delight and a joy also. Yeah, you know what I mean?

When you say spend a lot of time together, what do you mean?

Well, you were working really hard, as in building a business, but because I only had one, I would come into the office. That’s true. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I would hang out because I used to work with Isaac. So like, it was just different though. Once we had to, I couldn’t just come in because it was like we had bedtime routines and nap time routines and all the things. So I just yeah, so yeah, and.

I think once, once we had three, I’m like, okay, I’m all in.

Now. Well, I was overwhelmed at three. That was like.

The two you can still like I.

Have two arms.

Try to have this vision too, of doing a lot of the things you did when you were married and didn’t have kids. You can still have this of you. You can still have this illusion of of that, even though it’s actually not true at that point. Yeah. And then once there’s three it’s like oh all in dad.

Yeah. Well and part of that too is that I had a really hard postpartum just with the third. Megan was a great baby but I mean she was like really an ideal baby. But I just struggled because I didn’t have three arms. I was outnumbered and I’m so thankful. I remember telling you like, I need more help.

I’m so thankful because really, children make you better. They really expose our selfishness and they expose our weaknesses, actually. And wow, what a refining process and a beautiful thing. They truly are blessed blessings because God said so. And. That their individual person is so awesome, right, that God made. But they’re also blessings in that they help refine us.

Yeah, I mean, it’s just a really special relationship, right? Like you look into your child’s eyes and you just see their complete like they just love you so much and they’re faithful and they just like, Oh, I want to spend time with mommy. You’re going to read me a book? This is so exciting, you know, and like, want to do things with you? I want to help in the kitchen. I want to help clean. I want to help, help, help, help, help. Right. Like, that’s the stage we’re in with with, I would say Solomon, Eli, and Zander, they all are still like, I want to help. And that can be at times overwhelming for me because I can’t have three. I can’t have six little hands near knives and things when I’m cooking in the kitchen. And so I have to get good at like rotating and different things and getting them to help other people in the house and keeping them busy. But I will say that like then there’s those situations where maybe you think you’ve got something down as a parent. Like for me, I would say that thing was grocery shopping. Like I had trained my children to like be pretty well behaved in the grocery store and not touch things and be polite and all these things.

And then I had my fourth and it was like, Whoa, this is a different breed of child. And, you know, part of it was that he had colic and he just was in pain and different things, and we eventually worked that out. But it was really good for me in the sense of like now I had more compassion for other moms because I walked through something really hard. And I think that sometimes, like, everybody’s journey is so different, right? And there are different stories that you could probably think of while we’re sharing some of our reminiscing for a few seconds of things that you’ve walked through that were really like eye opening, that put you in your place, if you will, right? Like they humbled you to where you now like have more understanding and compassion for other people when you see them or you’re less likely to be judgy. And I think that that’s an important part of the process of being a parent. And it it doesn’t always happen for people with the first kid, doesn’t always happen the second or the third, you know, But God has a plan because he cares about our character.

Well, in humility in front of our children is what matters most, of course, with other people, but most importantly, between us and marriage and with our children. That is so important. And pride can creep up, you know, not wanting to hear criticism or not wanting to apologize to a three year old and these kinds of things, or not even realizing it. Sometimes the rhythm of the day is so fast and there’s so many things on our minds that we don’t even think to humble ourselves before our kids when we make a mistake with them. And that’s really, really important. There’s a lot of reasons for that. We’ll dive into that. But you can find all the resources at Be Courageous ministry.org, all the information about free resources or free workshops. Also the podcasts, also the courses, the redeeming childbirth book, the app, all the stuff right coffee, all the things you can find there. And I would really appreciate if you looked at be courageous ministry.org. You can find all show notes for each episode. In fact, there’s something I want specifically for everybody that listens to this episode to do, which is we have a new questionnaire that is so important. We’re getting so many good insights, we’re learning so much. We need to learn from you and we are. And people are going in there and they’re answering the questions. And you can do short answers. You can do as long as you want. We read it all and it’s really already been helping the ministry. It’s been helping us think about the future and how to do things even in a better way to impact more people. And so would you do that? We’re going to put the link in the show notes for this episode at Be courageous ministry.org. So please do that.

No, that’s awesome. Well, let’s dive in here. So the first thing that we were talking about earlier was that, you know, humility doesn’t mean that you’re a weak parent and it doesn’t mean that you are going to not correct your kids if you yourself struggled with that specific thing, which is often times what you see, even with adults. Right. Like and this is one of the things we’ve talked about this before, even within churches and church discipline, that sometimes if a pastor or someone like an elder or someone that would be trying to mentor or lead a group of people is potentially struggling with a specific sin, they’re potentially going to struggle with, like applying church discipline or correction to the person that has confessed that specific sin. Right? It’s that whole Matthew six, you know, or the whole don’t take the or you need to take the speck out of your brother’s eye, but you have to remove your own plank out of your own eye first before you can do that surgery of taking the speck out of your brother’s eye. And I think that that is a conscience thing, right? Like the Holy Spirit wants us to be aware and to confess when we’re struggling with something because we can’t actually help the person that is struggling in the sin that’s confessing to us if we’re struggling with that and we’ve not. Walked through that.

We haven’t confessed that. Right. And I think that for me, like, I even think about this whole that in conjunction with parenting as being a mom and like when my kids are struggling with a specific sin, if I have a humble heart and I have been trying my best in my personal walk with God to be laying my burdens at the cross, being honest and confessing my sins to Him. And I’m aware of my humanity. I’m aware of the sinful flesh that wages war within me and and the different things that I’m tempted to sin in. Then I’m more likely to have grace and compassion and be more gentle. And even how I’m talking to my child doesn’t mean I’m not correcting them. It doesn’t mean I’m not digging deep into it. It just means that I am not coming down harsh and like arrogant or prideful or even rushed, which I would say like that. For me, the rushed feeling. I feel like sometimes I get into the rhythm of that as a busy mom of many where like we’re juggling many different things going on in our life, right ministry, the homestead, homeschooling, all these things. And it’s a great life, but it’s a lot. And so sometimes, like in the midst of that, I can be trying to like, give directions to older kids and doing something like processing cabbage. I was doing that today.

And then to hear a kid hit another kid and then the scream in the background and I’m just like, Are you kidding me right now? And, you know, after having dealt with it 2 or 3 times already that day, you can lose your temper. And I just think that like slowing the day down, this is something that I’m personally learning, something that I’m convicted of, even just in preparing today’s podcast, like slowing the day down long enough to where you’re not so busy and so rushed that you just give way to your own sin in correction in those moments by yelling or by shouting across the room because you don’t want to take the time to walk to the other end of the house and get down on your knees and look at your kids in the eyes and talk calmly. But instead you’re just like, Ugh! And you stomp across the room and then you get in there and you’re like, What are you doing? You know, like, there’s a there’s a difference in how we lead the atmosphere in our home. And I know that I don’t do this perfectly. Isaac can attest to that because he’s seen me many times, like trying to do many things and just getting frustrated. And and this is something that like in those moments where you need to get down on your kid’s level, when you realize what you’ve done was not right and apologize to them and do better.

Like you may not be perfect, but you need to do better. And part of like us as humans, part of it is when we’re doing too many things, when we’re multitasking, when we’re trying to get something else done that maybe is like you can’t walk away from the stove because you’re going to burn the bacon and then the alarms are going to go off in the house. Like, I get it, you guys. But there are times where maybe we just need to, like, shut off the burner and walk over and deal with the kids, Move it from the burner that’s on turn off the burner, you know, have an older kid come stir whatever’s on the stove. Like these are things that have all happened to me today because this is literally my everyday life is I’m usually doing 2 to 4 things all at one time. And the reality is, is it’s easy for us when we’re doing something to not be consciously aware of how much God has been patient with us and the things that we’ve struggled with and we’ve sinned in. And when we’re not thinking about those things or we’re not aware of them and we’re not checking our hearts before we go into correcting our kids, that’s when we don’t have understanding with them. You know what I mean?

And it hurts. It creates calluses on the relationship over time. And it could prevent your children from feeling comfortable coming to you, too. If there’s if they don’t sense that humility in you, if their experience is not one of a parent becoming soft after they’re maybe a little too hard in their voice or something like that and not experiencing that, they may not feel comfortable coming to you to talk to you. And then what happens is, you know, we have this epidemic happening with teenagers in the world and the walking away from the faith just kind of, you know, being religious. But then once they’re 18 and out of the house, there’s there’s there’s no there’s no activity spiritually. And this is happening in the droves. It’s an epidemic. Every generation is getting worse. And perhaps part of that is the hypocrisy. These children sense in their homes that they don’t really see their parents as normal humans in a way because they’re not acting like normal humans. Normal humans are acting in humility, right? You think about that like in work situations and so forth, not perfectly, But if someone gets angry at someone else, there’s going to have to be reconciliation at work and there’s going to have to be humility at some point. Right in the home, there could be this situation where there’s this ongoing trend of a lack of. Of humility and parents don’t even realize that. And then we’re trying to have our children have self control, yet they see us losing self control and not apologizing for it. There are no perfect humans, but sometimes we’re projecting a perfection when they know we’re not perfect. And that is not okay.

It’s total hypocrisy. And like we’ve said many times, kids can snuff out hypocrisy a mile away. And so I think that obviously there’s an element to where if you’re an older person, you’ve clearly experienced more stressful trials suffering pain. Just life happens, right? And and when you experience life, your capacity for being able to handle those things grows. Okay, that’s just the truth. But then if you were to compare that to a child who hasn’t experienced very many things because they have good parents who have been really good to them and provided shelter and food and and there hasn’t been a stress in their life really, like they’ve been kind of protected in a lot of ways. Right. And they have parents that love them and love Jesus. So their life is a lot easier than a lot of other kids lives. Right? So imagine now for a moment, if that adult expects that child to have the same maturity and growth capacity that they themselves have. How unfair that expectation is on their child. And so sometimes we also need to like recognize as well when our kids are struggling, like we we need to correct them, but we need to be sober minded and remember who we were when we were four, who we were when we were five, and and like try to put ourselves in their perspective and, and remind ourselves that they need to be taught and encouraged to become stronger in their resolution and and to have more emotional self-control.

But again, this is like a position of needing to have understanding when we’re dealing with our children. But, Isaac, you just mentioned something that was really important. One of our main things that we want to talk about is that there’s no such thing as perfect parents. Obviously, if you’re a parent, you know that. Um, but the problem is that the parent that thinks that they are perfect or maybe they don’t think they’re perfect because let’s just be honest, I think every parent knows that they’re not. But if they think they’re right or they think, I’m doing my best, I’m providing all this stuff and my my teenager is being disrespectful or not thankful.

Right. Or justifying their behavior because they feel like their shoes are different than their children’s because they have more responsibility. Therefore, it’s okay that they lose self control. Right.

And which is not.

The case, right? Yeah, there can be a projection of that.

Yeah. And so I think that, you know, an important first step like we have two main points for today and that the first one is that there are no perfect parents. But have you communicated that with your kids as they’re growing up that you don’t think that you’re perfect, that they don’t they don’t think that you’re going around thinking that you’re perfect when they see all of the real truth that you’re not. But also just like verbalizing that and going, Hey, I know I’m not perfect and I mess up all the time and I’m just really thankful that Jesus forgives me when I pray to him and I ask him to forgive me and and like having that heart and sharing with them part of your journey of how you deal with your imperfections, how you deal with your falling short, your sin, your transgressions. That is something that we need to be honest and transparent about with our kids. Otherwise they’re never going to learn how to do that themselves.

Absolutely. And a great idea for you gents, is to do a little family meeting and just lead the way by humbly sharing with your children that you’re not perfect, but you’re trying to give your best. You’re trying to do well, you’re trying to follow after God, but you’re not perfect. And and I just want to make sure you guys know that I don’t think I am and so forth. And then obviously the wife can pipe up, too. And I just think that’s just great leadership. And a good example, in Proverbs 1533, it says the fear of the Lord is instruction and wisdom and humility comes before honor. So there’s a natural honor that children have for us, especially when they’re young, because we’re their parents, right? And their whole world is protected and provided and loved basically by us. You know, mostly when they’re very young. And as they grow older, that honor is always still there, I think, because we’re parents. But it needs to be deserved more. And as they get older, what I mean by that is it’s not just automatic.

And we need to we you know, you’ve said many times about marriage. Hey, gents, let’s make it easy for our wives to follow. But I just think of that terminology. That’s something that, like we’ve talked about in regards to parenting, like let’s make it easier for our kids to want to respect us, to want to follow our.

Leaders, to show honor as they’re supposed to. But I don’t want them just to supposed to. I want them to want to because they believe we deserve honor. Right. And what the Bible says is humility comes before honor and before that it says the fear of the Lord is instruction and wisdom. And so we have to be growing strong in the Lord. I don’t think any humans can really do this well without growing strong with the Lord. It is so important we get in our flesh and we feel right in exerting ourselves powerfully sometimes in our families. And you know what? That might have been across the line. And if it was across the line, we should admit that. I think that’s important.

It’s interesting that you said like we should deserve we want to make it easy for us to deserve getting respect or honor or just even our kids wanting to communicate with us and have relationship with us. Right. And I think that it’s important that we bring up the conversation of the difference between a religious and relationship home at that point. Because I deserve when you say the word deserve, it’s easy for people to think, Oh, is this like workspace? Am I earning their respect? Am I earning, am I trying to do things that are going to get my kids to listen to me or want get my kids to want to obey me? And I just want to like, bring up that? No, that would be a more legalistic religious home. What we’re talking about and focusing on here today is the concept of being humble and that when you are walking in humility, in true, honest, introspective humility, where you’ve self examined and come before the Lord and you have a contrite heart and you’re sober minded, aware of what God saved you from, and your parenting with the paradigm of who you are. And then you’re parenting in God’s strength because you recognize you can’t do it on your own. And in those moments, it’s that parent that doesn’t like. You don’t have to do anything to earn respect from your children. They will respect you when you have a contrite heart beat for the Lord because it literally changes your heart attitude and who you are. And so I just think that they’re like, Isn’t that beautiful? That if we focus on our relationship before the Lord, then he transforms us to be more humble because we are aware of who we are and that humility is what attracts our children to wanting to listen to us and honor us. And so I just want to kind of point to this whole like if we’re doing what we’re supposed to be doing in our relationship with God, then it’s going to make it easier in our relationship with our children.

So good. And we want siblings, right? We want them to apologize to each other and we orchestrate that right many times. It probably happens many times a day in a lot of families that have more than one child. And that’s that’s a good thing. But are they seeing it, too? Are they seeing it in you? And it’s much easier for young people to do something when they’re seeing it modeled. So that’s really, really good. First, Peter five five says Likewise, you who are younger be subject to the elders, clothe yourselves, all of you with humility towards one another. For God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him because he cares for you. Be sober minded. And then it goes into this next great part Be watchful. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion and so forth. Right? Such a good scripture. And so humility is just so important and it creates a closeness. I think relationships grow stronger whenever there’s a little bit of conflict and the right response happens afterwards. It’s either going to go one of two directions, right? There’s going to be a little bit of distance, a little tear, a little tear, or there’s going to be a greater closeness. And so I think conflict is an opportunity to draw even closer in relationship with those you’re in conflict with. If it’s your children or other people or in your marriage relationship. And it depends on your response. And so we’re talking about having a good response.

So I think, too, that the scripture that you just read is really interesting because right after it talks about being humble, like you said, it talks about the devil. And that part just reminds me that when we are prideful all and we are arrogant, then that actually gives the enemy a foothold in those relationships. And so that right there should be a massive biblical warning for us as parents to be really careful to make sure that we’re not giving the enemy a foothold either in our flesh with the things that maybe we need to apologize, repent from and turn away and stop doing or from just even being prideful and thinking too highly of ourselves and expecting our kids to be like us, more mature, more self-controlled, all the things. And I think, too, that there’s an element here of communicating with your kids. And and so we have a little test for you. Here’s the test, the courageous parenting test of today’s podcast. Can your kids come to you or are you unapproachable and never wrong? That is definitely going to like how you answer that question is going to shed some light on whether or not you’re actually humble towards your children or if they view you as someone who is humble that they can. Talked to. And I think that’s a good that’s a good thing to think about.

Yeah. And parents that show and react when they realize they’re being sinful, that’s a good thing. Right? And are in humility asking for forgiveness. For forgiveness. Isn’t that beautiful? That is a beautiful thing. And that’s that’s going to really help them understand the power of Jesus on the cross, too, because they’re going to register their own sin when they see parents registering their sin and the need for Jesus. And when you pray together, maybe you apologize and you say a little prayer together. How beautiful is that, that your relationship is growing stronger and you’re pointing them to Jesus at the same time. And so that can be just a wonderful thing.

I think, too, like the just asking yourself, you know, do my kids think that? I think I’m never wrong. Right. Think about that for a second. Do my kids think that I think I’m never wrong or or do I have I developed the kind of relationship where my kids feel like they can come to me if they see some kind of sin in my life, like in my relationship with them even. And because I do think that there’s an element where that’s appropriate, where like if you are losing your temper, for example, do your kids say, Mommy, I don’t like it when you talk to me that way.

Right.

And like looking at the the look on their face, can you tell if they like the way you’re talking to them? I just think that there is there’s some really tough, good, hard questions that we could ask that are going to be very humbling as parents and we can all use that, right. The next thing would be just even holding a double standard. I think that this is a really important thing, especially as your kids start getting older. Are you not allowing your children to be human? Okay. Or are you expecting them to be perfect when you know yourself that you’re not perfect? Right. That’s that’s a double standard, right? And I mean, obviously, there’s a lot of things that we could go into that we could ask hard questions about. That’s potentially a double standard. But but really, like, are you expecting your children to be humble and to to receive correction and you pointing out sin in their life when you yourself don’t have any spiritual authority over your own life? That’s going to potentially hold you accountable and point out your sin in your life. And I think that this is actually potentially a pinnacle question that all Christians should ask in their lives. Like, do we expect our kids to receive correction, to have a humble heart attitude when we’re pointing out their sin, but yet we don’t do that if our spouse does that or if a friend does that, or if a pastor or somebody else, do we not even have close enough relationships where that’s even going to happen? Because that’s a massive double standard that’s actually spiritually dangerous.

It is. And I think let’s just end it with Romans 12 three for by the grace given to me, I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. And so we just hope you think, on this And how does this need to be implemented in your family? That’s a question we hope everybody asks at the end. Everyone has a unique family that God is creating. And so you always have to when you listen to one of our podcasts or anybody’s or read a book or anything like that, you always have to discern, okay, what part of this is relevant for me and what’s speaking to me and what is important to implement now? Because there’s a lot of information coming at you, there’s a lot of information coming at us and we all need to discern that and decide, well, what is appropriate right now for my family in humility to implement. So we hope this was helpful.

See you.

Next time. Hey, thanks for listening and being a part of the 10 Million Legacies movement. Go to be courageous Ministry Org for more biblically based resources. Ways to switch where you spend your money that support the mission and information about the incredible be courageous app community for believers.

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