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12 Signs That You Have A Child-Centered Home

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Episode Summary

Entitlement is a problem today and most parents don’t realize it. Tune in to this weeks episode as we explain how to avoid entitlement attitudes in your kids and 12 ways to tell if it already exists in your home.

Having a child-centered home may sound like a positive thing to some people but it is, in fact, a very negative thing to be living out.

We should all desire a God-centered home. We need to make sure that our priorities are straight, and our priorities should be God, marriage, and then kids.

You may be surprised by some of these so don’t think that this won’t apply to you because there is a good chance that you will relate to some of these, in fact, we have related to some of these in the past as well!

It can go the other way too! We need to make sure that we are not putting our marriage on a pedestal and being negligent as parents or placing God below our marriage!

Here Are The 12 Signs That You Have A Child-Centered Home:

  1. Kids Resisting Authority

  2. Cooking Different Meals For Different Kids During Mealtime

  3. Paying Your Kids To Do Their Chores

  4. Friendships More Important Than Godliness

  5. Cant Talk Without Kids Interrupting

  6. It Is Really Hard To Say No

  7. Kids Above Marriage

  8. Fear Of Behavior Drives Decisions

  9. Stifling Maturity

  10. A Home Covered In Toys

  11. If  You Can Never Leave

  12. Helicopter Mom

 

It is important to make sure that we fix and work on these things because the more of what we talk about today is true for you and your family the harder your parenting will be.

So what we want is the biblical truth about parenting and for it to be centered on God and the biblical truth.

The risk here is that we are creating an entitlement in our kids. If you have ever come across someone who has an entitlement attitude who believes that they deserve something just because of who they are and not because they deserve it or did anything to earn it, then it is most likely because they grew up in a child-centered home.

So let’s jump into it! 

 

1. Kids Resisting Authority

  • The first sign that you may have a child-centered home or a child-centric home is that your kids are resisting authority.
  • This is a heart attitude where your kids are not obeying or respecting your authority or other people’s authority.
  • Then what happens a lot as a parent is you bend to the resistance of your kids, for example, your kid wants something and you said no, they are disobeying and get it anyways so you give them something else to prevent them from disobeying you. 
  • This is a huge mistake because what is happening is you are avoiding the real problem and making them happy when what should be happening is you teaching them why what they did was wrong and letting them learn from the consequences. 
  • When you do this you are rewarding disobedience! And if you reward their disobedience they will never change!
  • If your kids don’t learn to obey you now then they won’t obey you in the future and they won’t know how to obey God either.
  • Hebrews 13:17 talks about obeying authority and how we as parents are responsible for our kids on a spiritual level as well as a physical level.
  • How are your kids going to be able to accept correction from the church if they have never experienced it in the home?
  • How are your kids going to be able to accept correction from God if they have never experienced it in the home?
  • Listening to this podcast it is only right to assume that you are thinking about how your kids disobey or resist authority but you also need to think about yourself, do you you have a hard time submitting your will to authority in your life? 
  • Have you placed yourself in such an independent place that you are not accountable to anybody? 
  • Do you have somebody willing to correct you when you are in sin? 
  • We are called to be living in transparency with fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, this verse in Hebrews says that God disciplines those he loves so that we can grow and be in true fellowship with God and our fellow believers!
  • If we don’t want to be disciplined then we need to submit to the authorities in our lives, and if we don’t have any authority then we should seek them out!
  • Our kids should see us submitting to authority so that they can have an example and so that we are not being hypocrites!
  • Consistently correcting your kids is important if you want them to respect your authority and doing it in love which isn’t always touchy-feely. We go in-depth on this topic in the parenting mentor program!

PARENTING MENTOR PROGRAM

2. Cooking Different Meals For Different Kids During Mealtime

  • We included this one because we have done it before and because of it one of our kids is an incredibly picky eater! After we realized this we quickly changed and have seen a massive difference in our other children. 
  • Allowing your kids to eat whatever they want during mealtime will create picky children!
  • Do you want your children to refuse to eat the food that was made when going to a friends house?
  • Example: If you are choosing not to go eat Chinese food because you are afraid your kids won’t eat it. You are creating an entitled attitude in your children if you are making decisions based on what they want.
  • It kills hospitality and fellowship.

3. Paying Your Kids To Do Their Chores

  • This one is very destructive because pretty soon they are only helping because they want to be paid.
  • That destroys any sort of act of service that the bible tells us to have.
  • If you are only doing something for reward then it is out of selfishness and entitlement.
  • As a family, everyone should be doing their part with a helpful heart attitude. 
  • Do you want a team culture in your family where everyone pulls together and is helpful? If so the best way to cultivate that is to verbally say “we are a team” “we are team Tolpin” 
  • We have a schedule with everyone’s chores on it and if they don’t do their part there are consequences. Nobody gets paid for chores!
  • This does not mean that they never earn money! You should provide ways for your kids to earn money but that is a different topic for a different day.
  • The fear of your children getting hurt or messing up should not prevent you from allowing them to help with certain things, you should teach them how to safely and correctly take a part of the weight off of your shoulders. Again that is a different topic for a different day.
  • If you are doing everything by yourself you are going to be exhausted! God intended for families to be teams and work together. Everyone should do their part!

4. Friendships More Important Than Godliness

  • 2 Timothy 3:2-5 talks about men (humans) being lovers of worldly things rather than lovers of Godliness. 
  • We do not want this happening. If we allow our children to place friendships above God then we may have some old wounds that are influencing this soft approach which is leading them to ungodliness.
  • We need to take a look at ourselves and ask if we are parenting a certain way because of past hurts, for example, maybe there was a very harsh authority in your home growing up or someone who was abusing their authority.
  • We need to ask ourselves why we feel a desire or need to parent certain ways, and if it is because of things that happened in the past we need to make sure that we are parenting based off of what the bible says and not what our past hurts may naturally make us lean towards.
  • Sometimes we are weak in areas where we are trying to fix our hurts from the past and we need to realize that making decisions like that is not going to make anything better, it might even make things worse for your kids.
  • Our heart for this ministry is that we would inspire people to leave new legacies based on God’s truth and the bible, not legacies based on past hurts or failures.
  • None of us grew up in perfect homes and none of us have perfect homes but we should be able to look back on our pasts and say “was that a biblical way to do that, and if not, let’s change it and leave a new legacy”

FREE COURAGEOUS PARENTING WORKSHOP

5. Can’t Talk Without Kids Interrupting

  • We are not talking about the three-year-old who is learning how to be patient and is still being taught how to not interrupt. 
  • Children five years old and up should have enough training and respect for others to know that interrupting is not okay.
  • Children who interrupt portray to everyone that the kids run the home.

6. It Is Really Hard To Say No

  • Never saying “no” to your kids or more popularly known as consent parenting, is a very popular philosophy on parenting in today’s world. 
  • If you don’t teach your kids what no means, and if you don’t teach them to respect other people’s boundaries then you are potentially sending your children down a very dangerous road.
  • Sharing the why behind why you say no is a very wise thing to do but your children should be okay with no as an answer and they do not need to have a reason, you are the authority and they need to respect you.
  • Matthew 5:37 says to let your yes be yes and your no be no. so your children should not require long explanations, they should understand that when mom or dad says no they mean no ad that is good enough sometimes.
  • This will also teach them to be able to set boundaries with other people and just say no to certain things that do not align with the family or faith.
  • Boundaries are very important and “no” is a complete sentence.

7. Kids Above Marriage

  • Example: You can never leave your kids at home with a baby sitter to go on a date and grow in unity because your kids will freak out if you leave them.
  • Example: not being able to have a conversation with your spouse because your kids are constantly interrupting. 
  • Example: kids getting in the way of sleep. They are manipulative and wanting to sleep with their parents when they don’t need to and they are making up that they are scared.
  • Example: mom says no to something and then the kid goes to dad hoping for a different answer. This is very destructive in marriage and needs to be caught every time.

8. Fear Of Behavior Drives Decisions 

  • Example: Scared to go out to eat.
  • Example: canceling plans/preventing hospitality
  • Example: parenting differently because you don’t want your kids to act out in public.
  • 2 timothy 1:7 talks about not having a spirit of fear but one of sound mind.
  • If you have a spirit of fear regarding your kid’s behavior then there is something wrong.
  • If you have a sound mind its because you are in the word, and if you are in the word ten you will be parenting biblically, and if you are parenting biblically then your kids will probably not react the way you fear they will. 
  • No kids are perfect. They are going to act out sometimes but we should not fear that and we should do the things we feel called to do.

9. Stifling Maturity

  • Are you paralyzing your child’s spiritual growth?
  • You need to allow you, children, to grow, and growth happens in challenging situations. Do not shelter your kids to the point where they are unable to grow.
  • Example: if you are not having challenging discussions and asking their opinion on things.
  • Example: if you are protecting your children from experiencing the consequences of their decisions then they will not learn and they will not grow.

10. A Home Covered In Toys

  • There are two sides to this one. You want to be able to enjoy your children and make them feel loved but you do not want to do that to the point where they are spoiled. You can place healthy limits on things your children enjoy but you don’t want to be the killjoy of every situation, you can allow your kids to enjoy life and have fun. 
  • Example: you are avoiding hospitality because your home is covered in toys.
  • Teach your children to pick up after themselves. 

11. If You Can Never Leave

  • Example: you can’t go hang out with a girlfriend or a buddy because your kids will freak out.
  • Example: you can’t do something because you can’t leave the kids with your spouse.
  • You and your spouse should be parenting together, you are a team.

12. Helicopter Mom

  • Helicopter moms are moms who are overprotective always hovering over and involved in every little thing their children do.
  • Angie shares experiences with kids young and old not having respect or love for their mothers because they are so overbearing.
  • Don’t be a helicopter mom.

 

If you have related to any of these 12 signs then you should pray about it and take them to heart. Ask someone to hold you accountable and get wise counsel about it. 

We urge you to take this seriously because if you have a child-centered home it will make your parenting harder.

Thank you for joining us today, see you next time!

 

Scriptures In This Episode:

Hebrews 13:17 –Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive, for they watch out for your souls, as those who must give account. Let them do so with joy and not with grief, for that would be unprofitable for you.”

2 Timothy 3:2-5 –For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away!”

Matthew 5:37 –But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.”

2 Timothy 1:7 –For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”

Ephesians 6:1 –Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”

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Written By Angie Tolpin
Angie has been married to Isaac for 19 years and together they have eight children, whom she homeschools. She is the Founder of CourageousMom.com, a doula, the author of the best-selling book Redeeming Childbirth, and the creator of the first ever Christian Postpartum Course. Angie loves ministering to Women and has created a few online Bible Studies on Biblical Friendship and Motherhood.

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