• Private Group for Christian Moms with weekly lives with Angie Tolpin
• Weekly podcast Q&A with episode behind the scenes content. Just type in your question!
• Exclusive biblical resources such as the Courageous Marriage and Redeeming Childbirth series.
• Exclusive access to the courageous kid’s podcast. Play it for your kids to stir up good discussions.
• Monthly LIVE Q&A with the Tolpins; ask the anything.
• Powerful Biblically minded community.
• Topic-based discussion groups.
• You get your own profile and can connect with others.
• Growing libraries of LIVE replays

All Ministry Resources: becourageousministry.org

Our Courses

• Parenting Mentor Program, self-paced online program that equips you to biblically parent during unprecedented times.
• The Homeschooling Blueprint, the online program to boost your effectiveness & help your kids thrive.
• Postpartum Course, The First-Ever Christian Postpartum Course.
• Cultivating Biblical Friendships  The course that helps women build lasting Godly friendships.

• Financial Giving, is important to support our family and expand the impact of the ministry. We aim to impact 10 million  legacies. We are in full-time ministry as a large family, so everything makes a difference. 

Thank you for being part of this movement to equip 10 million families and their legacies with Biblical truth to raise confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

Welcome to Courageous Parenting Podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Hi, I’m Angie from Courageous.

Mom and Isaac from Resolute Man Together pursuing the mission to impact 10 million families and their legacies for the Kingdom of God.

We’ve been married for 23 years and are seeing the fruit from raising our nine children biblically. Based on the raw truth found in the Bible.

We can no longer let the culture win the hearts of children, as too many from Christian families are walking away from their faith by the age of 18. And it doesn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t be this way.

We’re praising the Lord. That ministry continues to expand and impact more legacies. We couldn’t do this without you. Whether you pray for us, give us five star reviews, or share on social.

Or even if you purchase courses and merch or join the Be Courageous app community, enjoy the coffee or support financially. We’re so thankful you are a big part of the 10 Million Legacies movement.

If you want access to all the episodes, show notes, and other biblically based resources, go to Be Courageous Ministry.

Org. Join us as we start another important conversation about effective parenting in a fallen world. Welcome to the show.

Hey, guys.

So glad you’re here. Behavior is a symptom of the heart. So important to talk about the heart.

Well, and I think with parenting, what most parents struggle with is their kids behavior. Yeah.

That’s true.

That’s like the number one thing is that people are like, I don’t know why they do this or they won’t do that. What would the.

World in your home look like if there was perfect behavior?

I don’t even think that’s a good temptation to give a parent.

I think God started out that way with his people as the father. That’s true. But something happened in the garden.

Yeah, yeah. Well, today we are going to dive into this big topic. You know, we actually go over this topic really in depth in the Parenting Mentor program. And we’ll probably share some of those things that we teach in there with you guys today, which I’m very excited about because this is one of the biggest, um, most relevant topics. I believe that all parents share, regardless of how old their kids are at, you know what I mean? What season of life their kids are at or how old they are. Um, and so we’re really excited to go through about six different scriptures that we have with you guys as we’re going to be diving in today. Um, so the problem that we’re going to be talking about is behavior. And then hopefully we can encourage you guys with some encouragements.

And we are going to be heavy on encouraging for sure. But one thing I can tell you for sure is that humans are still humans, and there’s nothing that’s going to fix behavior because we live in a fallen world. But there are things that help it.

And I think that this is really one of the most beautiful biblical topics because like we say all the time, sin when we’re when we’re dealing with sin or when sin erupts or sin is an issue in the heart, it’s an opportunity for pointing our kids back to Christ, pointing them to the gospel, pointing them to the Word of God, and helping them to understand what true forgiveness is. Right? And so, um, really, that is at the heart of what we’re going to be talking about today, because while you can’t change your kids heart, God can.

And so that’s I mean, we’re motivated as parents, aren’t we? The to point our children to Christ? Don’t we want to know the best ways to do that and be reminded and encouraged? Don’t we need encouragement to do that? That’s one of our goals with the podcast is encouragement is like just a reminder, a shot in the arm weekly to be courageous and do the hard things that involve pointing our children to Christ. Why do you say hard things? Because it takes time. It takes patience. It takes slowing down the moment and getting, you know, eye level with them. And it takes a lot of different things that, you know, are hard in the moment to do. But the accumulation of them is, you know, hopefully that they embrace God as their Savior. And that’s the ultimate goal, right? And, you know, but sometimes in the moment we just want them to obey us. And I get that. I feel that way sometimes. But really that opportunity is golden. That opportunity, if you shift your mindset, Andrew was talking about to the opportunity before you that it’s an opportunity to actually help them see that their sin and to help them understand what Jesus did and to pray together after you’ve, you know, solved the, you know, you obviously consequences and so forth after you’ve done that, but you’re praying together and you’re pointing them to Christ. That’s so beautiful.

You know, it’s interesting too, is that you’re it’s a legacy. What you’re doing is a legacy. So either we say this all the time, you’re leaving a legacy, whether you’re being intentional or unintentional with your legacy. So if your child has bad behavior, let’s just call it bad behavior. And let’s just say there’s a spectrum of what could be bad behavior, right? Everything from selfish, um, rudeness and disrespect and losing temper to, um, voluntarily lying or cheating or stealing. Right. There’s so many things that could be under the title of bad behavior. Um, but here’s the deal. When it comes down to it. We are modeling for our children how they should be parenting when they’re older, and if we are losing our tempers and we’re yelling and we’re getting exasperated, that is something that is also going to potentially be a legacy that our kids struggle with also. And that’s why we say you’re leaving a legacy, whether you’re intentional and you’re purposefully surrendering to the Lord over and over and over again. And when you do mess up, because you will, most parents, like we’re none of us are perfect. You still have the opportunity for it to be a redemptive experience by humbly apologizing and saying you’re sorry for it, right? Um, and that’s really the beauty of Christianity. That’s why we all need Jesus, because otherwise there’s pride in the place, and there’s never a need for apology or different things when you think you’re always right. And so I just want to encourage you guys that today. Yes, we’re talking about bad behavior.

And yes, you might be thinking of your children. This is a parenting podcast. But sometimes us adults need a good like kick in the pants and be kind of scolded in a way of saying, hey, you’re having bad behavior too, and who’s holding you accountable, right? And I just, I think about how we only really get parenting in our life for the first 20% of our life, because that’s about how long kids live with their their families is 20% of their life. So think about yourself. If you only live 20% of your life with your parents, and let’s say they were biblical parents and they were correcting your and they were pointing out sin that they saw and they were looking at the behavior. And let’s say they were recognizing it was a heart sin issue, and they were calling it, you have a spirit of pride. You have a spirit of selfishness. This is and they’re doing sin diagnosis. Well, okay. Let’s just say that was your experience. The reality is, is ever since that first 20% of your life, unless you have that kind of exhausting relationship in your marriage, you’re most likely not receiving continued training. That’s actually considered the training. And we know that the Bible tells us to train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it. But the truth is, is that we’re all human, and we all struggle with the temptation to sin at times. And so and of.

Course, you know, Angie and I love it when we hold each other accountable. And it’s just like, oh, thank you, honey. I didn’t notice that. That’s wonderful.

We were just talking about this. I go, no human likes being corrected like, ever.

No, it takes a bit. It takes a little bit sometimes for us. You know, we talk to each other about things. Yes. And, you know, the defenses can arise. But, you know, it’s really important that we do talk. That’s courageous. Right. You need to talk to each other about things, even if you know it’s going to take you longer because the other person’s not going to want to hear it, and then you have to talk it out and so forth. But that is sharpening what marriages need to sharpen each other. It’s super important, you know. Have I ever gotten angry at my children? Yes. You know, when they’re disobeying. Yes, I have, you know, uh, have you probably have I ever, um, lost self control? You know, not to a point of hurting anybody, but yes, I’ve like, emotionally. Yes. You know, it’s. And so it’s really important to, you know, think about yourself for a second and go, well, how can I improve? We don’t have to be perfect. We don’t have to feel guilty listening to this. We just go, Lord, help me. Help me to do this in a better way. Help me do this in a more productive way. Help me to be example of what I want my children to be for my grandchildren someday. Help me to be godly. Help me to have self control, and to have a spirit of love and compassion, but also understanding the importance of correction, but doing it in a loving way. And I think that is so important.

Oh, I thought that was beautifully said. I think that a lot of parents I know that you and I were talking about this before, how it’s hard for people to receive correction. Think about your little kids, right? Like they’re in a they’re potentially in a boot camp in a sense of like being told, no, don’t do it this way. Do it this way. Nope. That’s wrong. This is right. Or, you know, like, if you think about it, um, all like when you’re teaching them all the things you’re teaching them and, and I think that there is an element of parenting where we as parents need to not be correcting all the little nitpicky things, um, so that when there is a real heart issue and we’re able to correct it, they don’t feel like they’re they’re constantly doing everything wrong. Right. And so there’s also this element of like closing off a child’s heart to be able to receive correction if they’re getting over corrected all the time, or they can never do anything right. And, and I think that, you know, with those kids, I think of that verse in Colossians 321 that says, fathers do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. Um, the discouragement that’s a that’s a sign of where a kid’s heart is at. They can get discouraged if it’s just constantly pointing out their mistakes, their sins, their wrongdoing, their bad behavior, and you’re not ever pointing. Now the good things that they’re doing. One. But also, are you two critical? Are you expecting perfection? And if you are, that’s something that you as a parent need to intentionally repent of and allow some grace in your home, you know, and some grace in your parenting. So anyway, thank you guys so much for joining us today. We’re very excited. We have like two main points that we’re going to be going over today. Um, but first we just want to say thank you. Yeah.

Thanks for being part of the 10 Million Legacies movement. All resources are at Be Courageous ministry. Org specific blogs for each podcast episode are courageous Parenting.com. You can also learn more about the Parenting Mentor program there. And you can also find all resources and everything. And we so appreciate every time someone posts or shares or writes comments. That helps the algorithms get things out there. Subscribing to the YouTube channel, all of that stuff is so important. That’s, uh, be courageous on YouTube.

Awesome. Okay, so let’s dive in. So obviously we have a couple verses that we wanted to share with you guys in regards to the heart and what we’re talking about today. The first one is in Jeremiah 17 nine says, the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick. Who can understand it? I, the Lord, search the heart and test the mind.

The world wants to say, follow your heart, listen to your heart. And we have to be careful with that, especially as children get older. If you have littles right now and you’re listening, hey, someday those littles are going to be older and the world’s going to tell them to trust your heart, to follow your heart, to do what’s best for you. Your heart tell you it’s all this. And that leads into the moral relativism that’s pervasive in our society, even amongst Christian young people. This is this onslaught is going to be heavy. And so if you have not trained up your children to be in the word and walking in biblical truth, to allow their heart to be tempered by what’s true and to be, to have a teachable heart and to allow parents to speak in their lives, then that’s going to be a challenge down the road.

I mean, it’s huge. What are the two most popular messages you just said? One which is follow your heart. Was your heart telling you and the other one is my truth versus the truth and understanding. Hold on. Understanding. Oh my goodness that there are two perspectives or more for every. Experience. Yeah, right. Like for someone to just say, oh yeah, and and this person blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, that’s that one person’s experience of what happened, right? And there’s always two sides to the coin. And so understanding that and walking with grace is incredibly important. But we need to teach our kids to actually be seeking of truth, not of feelings, not of opinions, not of what feels good at the time or what is going to fulfill selfish desires. Right. And you know, it’s easier when your kids are littler and at home. Yes, I just said that. I remember older moms. They used to say, oh, you’ll you’ll look back on these days with so much fondness, it’s so much easier. And I used to go, don’t tell me that because it was so it felt like it was hard being at home alone with like five little kids under seven. And and there was so much joy and so much happiness and so many dance parties, so many dress up dance parties. Yes, it was great, but a lot of physical work for mom during the day. Um, lot of cleaning up, a lot of helping kids to understand what emotional self-control was, trying to teach them that correction, correction, correction a lot.

And that can be it. We call it the trenches for a reason. Right? But the truth is, is if you do that really well, then when they’re preteens and they’re teens, they have like they’re used to. And you have cultivated a kind of relationship where they understand, without understanding that it’s Mom and Dad’s job to point out to them when they’re saying something wrong or doing something wrong and to hold them accountable. Yeah. Um, because if you’re parenting biblically and we talk more about this in the Parenting Mentor program in the obedience section, which is an hour long teaching, but if you’re parenting biblically, you’re going to be pointing them towards the Lord. Every time you discipline where you’re saying, listen, mommy has to correct you. We have to have this conversation. I know it’s not fun to talk about what you just did, but we have to have this conversation because if we don’t, then I’m being disobedient to God. And to show your kids that you are being obedient to God’s Word and what he’s commanded you to in discipline and consequences and XYZ. And if you say that over and over and over and over again, then by the time they’re 12, they’ve like caught it, right, Isaac? Like they get, oh, Mom and dad are having this conversation because they love me and because God told them they have to.

It’s so true. And as they get older, it’s still important to do that. It’s still important. Your job is to correct things that are amiss so that they don’t go down a path that is dangerous or leads them to ungodliness and these kinds of things. But we have to be careful. We have to be creative. We have to think about who my son has become, who my daughter has become, and think about how they communicate and how we communicate and really be artful in the communication. So it’s received. We can’t just come across the same way every time with the younger middles and olders. We have to adjust because as children mature, we have to change our approach a little bit so that they’re feeling the respect of who they are, while at the same time we’re able to articulate what we need to say.

Mhm. And you’re building a slightly growing relationship I don’t like to say different relationship, but your relationship is growing right. It’s changing a little bit as they get older and that can be an exciting thing. But it can also be really hard for a lot of parents. And um it’s different for each kid I think based upon where their heart’s at with the Lord. Actually, that’s the biggest, biggest decision factor as far as like, hey, are the pre-teen years or the teenage years hard or not? Like, it’s really, truly, where’s your kid’s heart with Jesus? Um, but I want to just share this verse that Isaac brought to my attention. It’s in Proverbs 1513. It says, A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is crushed. Wow. And so when we see we’re talking about behavior. Right. And and this is specifically talking about a countenance a face, the person’s like, um, are they downcast? Are they happy and cheerful. Are they. What are they write? A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but a sorrow of the heart. The spirit is crushed. And so recognizing. Like what? Your child, where your child’s heart is at. It can change even within like a couple minutes. Especially in years where maybe, um, they’re little and sleeping affects their their attitude, right? Or their face, or if they’re hungry and they have low blood sugar.

I like to call that BS. If they are struggling with that, that can affect their cheerful face or not. When they’re older, hormones can affect their their countenance. Right. And so how a person feels inside does actually affect them. But a heart is really what it’s saying here. The heart, if the heart is glad it affects their face, it’s a reflection. The whole point is that you can see outward reflection of the heart on a person’s face. What we’re saying today is that outward behavior is a reflection of what’s in a person’s heart, saying the exact same thing that the Bible is saying. So when we see our kids struggling with a specific sin, we need to be honest about like, okay, so where’s their heart at with God? Where’s their heart at with this specific sin? If they’re struggling with jealousy, for example, it’s like. Wow. You need to really consider that and prayerfully think about how am I going to talk to my child about this when I see envy and jealousy, and maybe you see other things in addition because of that, like their identity in in Christ being not solid and struggling with how they look on the outside. And there’s so many things this competitive comparison trap, discontentment can all stem from spirit of jealousy.

And so recognizing and being able to diagnose the sin is really like the first part. That’s really important for parents to help children with, regardless of what age they are. And if you do this like often with your kids, when they’re little, what you’re doing is you’re teaching them how to search their own heart, which is really beautiful. Um, and we talk about this a lot more in the very first session in the Parenting Mentor program, where we go over biblical vocabulary and how to diagnose sin in a sense, because that really is one of the main jobs of a parent when they’re parenting. And then as their kids get older, you hope that they are searching their own heart and they’re diagnosing and they’re repenting and verbally saying, no, you know, spirit of pride, you have no place here. I command you to leave in Jesus name, right? Like I think of that John Waller song that’s so powerful, so powerful. And when you teach your kids how to do that, then there’s more like transparency within themselves of recognizing, I’m not always perfect, I make mistakes. God, I’m going to walk before you. I know you see everything in my heart and I can’t hide from you. So I need help with this, right?

I think people want to know, okay, what do I do? My children are disobedient and what do I do?

Well, obviously, I think the first thing that we have to acknowledge is prayer. Yeah, the power of prayer, because we can’t change our kids, um, we can encourage them in the right way, but we can’t make their heart change. Only God can do that. Right? Um, in fact, there’s a verse here in Ezekiel 3626 that I want to read to you guys because it it talks about the specifically and I so God is speaking here in verse 25. He’s saying, I will take you from nations to gather from all other countries and bring you into your own land. I’ll sprinkle clean water on you. So he’s cleansing his people, right? I’ll clean you from your uncleanliness and from all your idols. I will cleanse you, and I will give you a new heart and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And then just. And I will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes, and be careful to obey my rules. And it’s just it’s such a beautiful scripture because it’s God that’s doing it. It’s not like it’s not any patriarch doing that for their children. It’s God is doing this in his people, and it’s a heart surgery.

It reminds me of like in a work environment, a a boss that is authoritarian and everybody is quick to do things correctly because they don’t want to let the boss down and they want to keep their job. And there’s a little bit of fear involved. Right? And then you have another kind of leader that leads, actually leads, doesn’t manage. They lead and they lead with inspiring words. They definitely correct. But the but the same environment, the employees want to do a good job, but they want to do a good job for the work’s sake because they care about the whole they’re not just looking out for themselves, but they care about the whole company, and they care about contributing, and they care about their comrades, and they care about their leaders. And because they know their leaders care about them, and they have grace for them sometimes. And sometimes they do need to talk to them about things, but when they do, it’s well received. And I think that that’s, you know, what kind of parent are you becoming? Because whatever trend line you’re on, you become more of that as you parent more. And so we sometimes have to recalibrate and go, hey, you know, I need to make an adjustment here and make sure I’m leading, not just micromanaging, not just forcing, not just using my authority to get what I want in the moment. Because what do you really want? You want your children’s hearts. You can get a household to obey you, but it doesn’t mean you have their hearts in its short terme. If you want short tum fixes, focus just on the behavior. If you want long terme, um, abundance, fruitfulness in your legacy, you got to focus on the heart, right?

That’s right. But in the meantime, dishes and laundry do have to get done at times. And I think that that’s really the hard part, right? Like you can’t just say no to all of it over and over and over again. Um, instead you, you know, leadership. I think of those times when my kids had the best attitude for things, um, as far as getting things done went right. And, and the leadership included something like, um, you know, talking to them about the importance of stewardship. The things that God gave us, giving them perspective and then, okay, this is what we’re going to do today. Let’s get it done. Team. You guys ready? Yeah. Okay. Let’s go. Um, versus just life happening and then in the moment going, hey, I need you to clean your room today. And then coming back a few hours later and they still haven’t done it. Why haven’t you cleaned your room? Oh, I will, okay, but what are you doing right now? Have you guys had this conversation before? Um. Or maybe you say clean your room and they’re like, I did, and you’re looking around and you’re going, this isn’t a very good standard of cleanliness. I need to change. We we need to work. We need to work. And then you come in with a critical eye and you see what I’m saying? Like, there’s a different there’s there’s a different approach in both where the first one you’re going through and you’re giving clear expectations about what’s going to happen.

You prep them with them understanding, hey, we’re going to do this because we need to work together as a family. And when we do this, then we’ll have freed up time to be able to do the things that we enjoy doing. So let’s do this. You guys in? Yeah. Yeah okay. Let’s go. You know, you’re like rallying the team to do the things that we need to do versus command man. Now, I do think that there are times when you have to tell your kids, don’t don’t go across the street, stop. And there might be a car coming, right? And you shout and you go stop. And they need to be able to literally hear Mom and Dad’s voice and obey. And that is an important aspect of parenting as well. And, and and when you have a disobedient child, you may be less likely to even want to go out in public simply because you may be over feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, and anxious because you are struggling with seeing your kids show fruitfulness of obedience in the home to where you’re like, if I go out in public, what is it going to be like? And if that is where you’re at, I just want to encourage you that God gave you the jurisdiction to both discipline and disciple your children, both discipline and disciple your children.

He gave you the jurisdiction to teach your children. He gave you the jurisdiction of how to prepare them, how to equip them, how to teach them about the world, to teach them a biblical worldview. He gave you the jurisdiction to teach them God’s commands. Do you know, he says that over and over and over again all throughout Scripture and the most transforming Scripture that ever impacted my life? In fact, it’s like the foundational scripture for the The Parenting Mentor program, foundational scripture for the Courageous Marriage series, which is in the Be Courageous app. It’s free. It’s a six hours of of series. Is this verse love the Lord your God with your whole heart, mind, soul, and strength. And then love your neighbor as yourself, heart, mind, soul, and strength. We’re talking about the heart and a lot of people. I was thinking about different, um, even denominations within the Christian church and how some of them are known for loving God more with their mind. Mhm. And not with their soul or their heart or their body. Right. They’re just they’re all about only studying knowledge. Knowledge base only. But God commands us. It’s the first and most important commandment.

Jesus said to love the Lord your God with your whole heart, mind, soul and strength, which is physical, which is being willing to practice hospitality with strangers. Give generously to other people. It’s willing to raise your hands and and bow your knees physically before the Lord. It’s all those things. It’s. And and as Christians, when we’re raising our children, teaching them to love the Lord your God with your whole heart, soul, mind, and strength, one when you do that, it changes your kids and they copy you. I have a two year old that raises his hands when he worships. Why? Because he sees mommy doing it. He sees dad doing it like that is what they learn when they’re little. But this is the thing. If it comes to correction and your prideful and your spouse is like, oh, hey, listen, no, don’t talk about that right now or, or hey, I think you’re you’re getting too intense right now. Maybe you should take a time out. I’ll take care of this. Your kids might see that. Mhm. And it’s good for them to see that because that’s appropriate modeling of biblical marriage teamwork and and recognizing that we struggle with sin at times too. We struggle with getting tempted to get frustrated at times just like every other human. And we need Jesus now.

Children need to be corrected and you need to follow through with them consistently. And there’s a lot of talk about that out in the Christian community. Differing opinions about things. And what I’ll say is we’ll ask you a question first. Do you believe in the spiritual law of sowing and reaping? And you’re going to say, well, yeah, because it’s in the Bible. And then you go and then think about, okay, when your children are young in your home, um, you’re protecting them, right? You’re protecting them from the world, from harm, these kinds of things, especially when they’re little. Right? They start experiencing more, um, sowing and reaping on their own when they get older while they’re still in your home. But let’s talk about littles for a second. Um, you pretty much have insulated them from harm, you know? So God uses parents so that children learn the spiritual law of sowing and reaping, and it’s really important. And if you’re not following through on that, they’re growing up a little bent in the wrong direction.

They’re not going to be prepared.

They’re not prepared to understand that you reap what you sow, and that it’s important to be obedient to authority that God puts in your life. And that’s really, really important. I love this verse in John 15. It’s one of my favorites, and it says every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away. And every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. So God has put parents in a role to to help do his work, to prune children so that they bear more fruit. That is one of your jobs. You’re a pruner, and when you prune a plant. We were just out pruning trees on Saturday. We had a little date night, uh, pruning trees together and.

Pruning.

Blackberries. Actually, that tree I’m looking at right now was totally crooked and growing on the ground. That’s what made me think of this. And I had to straighten.

Shoved over by.

Elk. I had to I had to straighten it, and I had to put stakes in the ground and then tie it off, which was probably painful for the tree. But I know what’s best for it. I know that if I left it on the ground like that, it was going to die and get trampled and these kinds of things, but if I can straighten it, it’s going to be more fruitful. And then Angie’s got the really sharp pruning shears and she’s cutting, cutting.

Cutting, cutting, cutting only 20%, you know, only 20%.

And I’m like, you know, that tree probably doesn’t feel comfortable right there, but now it’s going to bear more fruit in terms of apples. And what we’re talking about with the Bible is talking about here. Is spiritual fruit useful for God, a life that glorifies the father? Well, he put parents in charge of his little people. And our job is to help them understand the spiritual law of sowing and reaping in a consistent fashion while they’re young, so that they can operate well. Right. What’s what’s the Scripture? Obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right so that life will go well with you. I think I may live.

Long in the land. Thank you, Lord, thy God have giveth.

I knew I got that last part. Thank you. That last part is key. We don’t want to just say the first part. That last part is key. What’s the why? It’s so for fruitfulness, right. So remind your children of that. And I think that. When there’s disobedience and we’re just quick fixing, we’re not spending the time to teach them the why, to talk about Jesus, to pray with them. And yes, they need to be corrected, but they need to be corrected in a way that actually is biblical, which is pursuing their heart. Mhm.

Hey there. We just wanted to invite you to join us in the next Parenting Mentor program, where we talk more about the heart of parenting in session two. So take a listen to this next little clip and we hope you join us.

Steve and I realized that we were getting too comfortable with the world’s vision of how to raise our children.

What Angie and Isaac have done in creating this is literally phenomenal.

This program provided awesome scripture based teachings and just some really great practical applications.

This class has just really rocked my world.

It has given me the vision for not just the different things that we might focus on as parents who are trying to raise our kids biblically, like how our kids are behaving or what we’re doing with discipline, but also the things of the heart.

We now have a game plan to how we want to raise our children. We have so many answers to the questions that have been in our mind.

It’s not just these hypothetical situations or it’s not just this. Here’s what I think you should do. It’s let me show you where in Scripture this is.

Do your legacy a favor and yourself a favor and just do it.

One of the best things that we’ve done this year, one of the best investments we’ve made this year. And I could not recommend it more.

We’re no longer fearing dark days ahead, but we’re so excited to raise lights to be leaders for the next generation.

And the heart of pointing them towards the only person, only one who can actually help them to overcome the temptation to sin again in that way. Right. Which is the Lord. And I think that, you know, as we’re going through this section, like truly understanding you can’t change your child’s heart literally changes the experience of correcting the child, because if you’re going in there expecting them to yield to you and you are harsh. I’ve seen this happen with parents. They will literally discourage their child’s heart. They’ll their child’s heart will start to close off to them. And then what? When that when the parent comes. We’ve had this happen so many times where the parents will come to us later and they’ll talk and they’ll I don’t know why, I don’t know why they’re not listening or this and that. And a lot of it, it can be a few different things. It can be either that that was their experience as a child and that parent needs to chase after their heart. Or it could be that they are. They have a hardened heart towards the Lord and they haven’t fully accepted him. And so they don’t have a changed heart. And so it’s but regardless, the point is, is that the behavior and the tension and what you’re experiencing or seeing in their life is always a reflection of the heart. And so recognizing that changes everything. You’re not just trying to get them to change and stop doing the thing they’re doing and start doing something different. That’s very surface level parenting. What’s heart level parenting is understanding. Okay, obviously this kid that just hit that kid that there were boundaries crossed, he’s struggling with anger in his heart. We need to get to the bottom of this. And instead of just trying to get the apology and then move on, it’s okay. Having the conversation depending on the age of the kid, how long it is, right? Because short is best, especially with the littler they are, the shorter the better. Um, but then coming back to it and in in good peaceful time reading scriptures that are going to speak to that child’s heart.

It’s a little cue that later today we’re going to read scripture about anger and not being angry.

It’s like you change what book you’re reading before nap time, or you change what devotional you’re doing, or you shelf that that biblical Bible curriculum that you’re using with your kids, and you get a a Bible devotional that’s talking about that specific heart issue, or you just look up Bible verses in the concordance, which is what I do, and then you just start going over that with your kids. Here’s the deal, though, is like it’s leadership of your child’s heart. That’s that’s the NFL. What it is. It’s not either urging your behavior actions. Your heart. I’m going to lead your heart because your heart is deceitful above all things, which is what the Bible says. And right now you’re walking in sin, not biblically. You’re not obeying God’s commands, and you’re just beside yourself.

So go through the day and be thinking, where’s my child’s heart at? And be paying attention with a new lens the entire day. So when you see skirmishes, you see disobedience. You see these things, you’re going to handle it. You’re going to go do biblical discipline, but you’re also going to be like, okay, where’s the heart at? Okay, this is where the heart at. And then married couples talk together so they can be a team. Hey, I think Johnny’s heart is here. Here’s some an issue that we have. I wanted you to know so you could be praying. You can also support me if you see anything. And we can work together on this. And do you have any ideas? That’s teamwork. That’s talking. That’s why Angie and I talk so much is because we’re talking about these kinds of things, not only we talk about all kinds of things. What’s happening in the world? Oh, yeah, theology, doctrine, fun things, all kinds of things. All kinds of things. But but this is part of it. And it’s important to have those conversations. And, husbands, I want to exhort you to listen to your wives to care. Uh, it doesn’t matter how tired you are. Doesn’t matter what time you have to wake up in the morning. The most important thing is this it actually is. Now we got to provide all those things, but we got to trust God with that. And we’ve got to spend the time talking to our wives and listening to them and understanding these things and getting.

The Intel so that you can really be a good leader in your home when you are home with your kids and even when you’re away. Can I just say like, prayer is so undervalued today, and if you know that you’re you have a son or that’s struggling with being respectful of mom, for example, be praying for him all day long before you leave. Say, son, I’m praying for you that you and your mom get along good today. Leave them a post-it note on his pillow. If you leave before work, there’s literally there. I just want to say there’s no excuses like to to lead in leading your family and for the women. While I love your encouragement to the men like yes, you want to provide and you want to protect and you want to do this, but this is really most important. Women. Yes, you want to manage your homes? Yes. You want to cook good healthy food? Yes. You want to XYZ educate your kids. But this the heart is actually the most important thing. And when we make an idol out of those other things, whether it’s education or activities or church going on.

Vacation with how the home looks and all these things, those.

Are all things that we make into idols. And I’m telling you, you will sow what you reap or you will reap what you sow. You will reap what you sow. Because if you put all of your energy into those things which are surface level, importance wise to the eternal thing of the heart, you’re going to reap it. But here’s the thing too. As your kids are getting older, you may be thinking, okay, lead their heart. This is a great solution that makes sense. We got to lead their hearts scripturally. That’s part of this. The thing that you can do to help, you can pray for your kids. But what about Isaac? What about in those relationships where the kids don’t respond to your leadership?

Oh, that’s a really good question. If the first thing I think about is, what can I change? Actually, um, because my experience in leadership is that, um, if something’s not working, I don’t change who I am, but I might need to change the words I use, the approach I use. I might have to think through the interactions and know what’s going to work right now. You know, maybe I have to shift gears and and, you know, maybe they need their heart full and they just need more time with dad. Um, before I before I talk about something, it.

Reminds me of that quote. I think it was from the movie. Remember the Titans attitude reflects leadership. Mhm. That is true. Like even within families if you think about it. Right. Like if a leader is um has a low um identity themselves, like let’s just say a man doesn’t feel like they’re leading their family spiritually. They want to they see the need for that, but they’re discouraged. And they are. They sense that there’s even like maybe an unspoken competitiveness with their wife. Yeah, right. And they’re being passive. Or maybe they’ve been passive, but they want it to change, but they’re just feeling low about themselves. Or maybe they’re struggling to provide. And so they’re feeling low about themselves because they don’t feel like they’re providing very well, or they’re dissatisfied with what they’re providing. The enemy exploits those weaknesses in men big time, and it affects the whole family. He exploits weaknesses in women, too, but I’m just talking about those specifically because you brought it up. And the truth is, is that if a man is lowly and struggling and he is the leader, whether he wants to admit it or not, the attitude of the children reflects that leadership. Yeah, like kids will have a hard time respecting parents who don’t respect them. Themselves. So if a man doesn’t have respect for what he’s provided for his family and is like going, hey, no, I worked hard for this and we’re going to be content and leading his family in biblical contentment. And there’s just a whole bunch of discontentment, and he’s working hard and he can’t make any more. He’s going to feel bad about what he’s doing and have less respect for himself.

I think, too, it’s good. I just did a podcast on the Resilient Man show, three Questions to Ask Your Wife, and one of them is how can I lead better? And I think that you could your older children, it would be good to ask that in some form or fashion, you know, hey, you know, is there anything I can do better in how I approach our relationship if the relationship isn’t going great? And I think that’s important, I think it shows humility. It opens things up. Just remember that just because things aren’t spoken doesn’t mean people stop thinking about them. What I mean is, if your children, your wife, your friends, somebody is thinking something about you that’s negative. Mhm. You omitting it doesn’t solve it. They’re still thinking it. So wouldn’t you rather bite the bullet and be courageous and ask them. So they actually talk to you about it and not other people. I’m not saying that your family’s a gossip or things like that, but there’s a temptation. There’s a temptation for wives to talk to other wives. There’s a temptation for kids to talk to other kids, and it’s not right. But why don’t you make it easier and actually ask? And that’s for wives, too. Wives should be, you know, how can how can I, you know, do this better, you know, is there anything I can do better for the relationship? And having that posture of humility and hearing things, and even if the things that come out you think are wrong, you have to listen long. And if you listen long, you’re earning more respect. Again, you’re feeling a love tank because people who don’t feel comfortable communicating hard things to you. It’s our job to be initiators so that they get it out, because if they don’t get it out, it gets worse. Mhm.

You know, I think that when we’re talking about kids not responding to our leadership. There’s also this element of listening long that I. I know that for myself, it’s been a sanctifying journey of listening, learning how to listen long and bite your tongue and just be quiet. And I think the older your kids get, the more you have to do that. And I think that, um, it’s it’s an important skill that parents need to know that they need to have, especially in those teen years. Um, but I think that when you’re a mom of littles, I’ve said this so many times when we are managing a home and taking care of little kids, and you’re keeping them on a routine and you’re go, go, go, go, go, and you’re through out the day, you’re actually training yourself in in that busyness. Do you know what I mean? And so when you’re recognizing what am I training myself in? Am I training myself in looking at my kiddos in the eye and saying, I love you and taking time to at least connect with them each day? That’s part of connecting with their hearts, is taking the time to get eye to eye and face to face with them and stop doing the other things, and then you can do the other things later. But and then just saying, hey, I really appreciated spending that time or I really love cuddling you. I really love reading a book with you, or I love hearing about your day or whatever it was.

Right. And, um, I it starts from the time they’re little and then when they’re older and I think that, um, I think that one of the, the hard things about big families is that you can feel like you’ve connected with quite a few kids, but there might be one that you haven’t connected with. And so the challenge is for the mom to and the dad to truly think about each kid. Did I look at each kid in the eye and say, hey, I love you and like, physically touch them somehow positively, whether that’s like a quick back scratch or pat or or a hug or I love you, you know? And the truth is, is it literally changes hearts. It literally changes their receptiveness to hearing you. And so if we don’t ever do that and we’re just constantly talking at them, we’re going to there’s going to be a disconnect and they’re not going to want to be led. They’re not going to have a teachable heart. And this isn’t a one time fix. I’m not saying you oh, if you have problems, chase after their heart, get their heart, and then it’s fixed and you’re good to go the rest of your life. Nope. This is literally going to be a thing that you’re going to potentially have to work through over and over and over again, because in humanity, all of humanity does not naturally desire, rebuke, reproof, correction, hard conversations about bad behavior or whatever, and make.

Sure there’s good times. Make sure you’re proactively having fun as a family. You’re initiating. You’re having fun one on one with your children. Experiences. Experiences are huge that tie the family together. That’s why we did so many RV trips. I’m not saying you have to do that, but what can you do? Maybe camping this summer? Uh, really think about how you can bring the culture together, bring the hearts together towards the siblings, you and the children marriage relationship. Make sure this is going well. You’re having date nights when you can, and maybe a little retreat once in a while. Uh, these kinds of things hard when you have just littles. I know we’ve had long seasons sometimes where we can’t do certain things, but, you know, find ways to cultivate good relationships, good times, and that’s going to really bring joy to your family. But it’s also going to knit hearts, and it makes all of this easier.

It really does. So let’s just end with a couple verses here. Psalm 5110 says, create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. This reminds me of an old song that we used to sing in church. Create me a clean heart. Oh God, and this is such a beautiful. If you wanted to even pull this song up on your on your playlist, sing it with your kids in the morning, read them this Bible verse and say and just have them pray like teach your little ones to pray. Create me a clean heart, God. And then the next one can say, you know and renew a right spirit within me and recognize that this is like something that has to be created in us. And it’s a daily reminder for us that Mom and dad are going to help to do that when they see things that are not clean, that are not righteous. And we do that because we love you. We do this because sin separates us from God, and we don’t want you separated from God, right? Like Jesus died on the cross so that we wouldn’t have to be separated. But we have to do our part. We have to bring those things to him, confess them, repent, and turn away from it. And teaching them this process over and over and over again.

Then when they’re older, you have to just trust. Like if you’ve done your job well, you’ve done your jurisdiction. Today we exhorted parents. We said, listen, you have to recognize your duty as a parent that God gave you to disciple and discipline your children, and to be consistent in that, to teach them the spiritual law of sowing and reaping, to pray for them. Those are your and to love them unconditionally, to chase after their hearts, to lead their hearts. Have hard conversations. This is a courageous parenting podcast. Yes, it takes courage to have the hard conversations. When you think that the pre-teen or the teenager or the young adult is going to be, um, rebellious in their response to you or disrespectful or not listen like you feel like maybe you’re just putting out words and no one’s even hearing. They’re going in one ear and out the other. Have you ever heard that Terme? The thing is, is it takes courage to be consistent. It takes courage to be biblical. And if you do your job faithfully before the Lord, then it’s easier to give your kids back to God and say, okay, I know I can’t change them, Lord, that’s your job. But I train them up in the way they should go.

Thanks for joining us.

See you next time. Hey, thanks for listening and being a part of the 10 Million Legacies movement, go to Be Courageous Ministry. Org for more biblically based resources, ways to switch where you spend your money that support the mission and information about the incredible Be Courageous app community for believers.

Also, we wanted to quickly tell you about our six week online Parenting Mentor program.

Isaac and I created a powerful biblical curriculum. Here’s how it works. Each week, we release a video session with a downloadable parenting packet to make it easy for you to incorporate those teachings directly into your parenting.

This is an incredible, self-paced program. We cover everything from tending to their hearts, handling obedience to overcoming mistakes most Christians are making. But more than that, it’s a supportive community. You’ll have access to our private group and the Be Courageous app, live webcasts and direct access to us.

If you’re interested in joining our next online Parenting Mentor program, secure your spot now at Be Courageous Ministry. Org that’s Be Courageous Ministry org.