Disciplining Your Children: The Crucial First Steps

icon-play Listen Now
Episode Summary

Get a biblical look at a part of discipline few talk about; the first two steps that are often missing.

Isaac and Angie Tolpin give a transformative tip to parents that will change their view of the moments their child disobeys them, motivating them to respond in a healthy biblical way that points them to Jesus. There are a lot of opinions amongst Christian parents about how to best discipline their children, but every parent must do these two steps first. Unfortunately without taking these two steps first, which is too common, the long-term relationship could be hurt and they may disdain authority in their life later on, which could include God. 

Main Points From This Episode:

  • It’s not about just approaching behavior change, it’s about approaching their heart and pointing them to Jesus, which is what ultimately changes behavior for the long term. But they also need to experience consequences for their disobedience. Firstly whatever you decide those are, you must do the first two steps we share in this episode!
  • It’s vital to have a perspective shift about their disobedience. This will shift everything for you as a parent if you embrace it (Listen to the episode)
  • Consistent follow-through on loving correction is vital
  • If your marriage isn’t aligned it will weaken your discipline and sense of teamwork too
  • Get your marriage aligned (Parenting Mentor Program is a huge help for this)
  • It’s hard to follow through if there’s no plan the marriage agrees on
  • A lack of follow-through on a biblically sound approach is usually the problem. 
  • We give two first steps every parent must do before disciplining their children. (Listen to the episode, also they are the first two steps to the 10 steps to discipline we cover in the Parenting Mentor Program)

Register today! Includes 13-page roadmap download

Scriptures From This Episode:

– 2 Timothy 4:3-4 – For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths.

– Colossians 3:21 –  Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

– Proverbs 14:29 – Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.

– James 1:19 –  Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;”


Freedom of Speech app for Christians 

  • Weekly podcast Q&A with episode behind the scenes content. Just type in your question!
  • Exclusive biblical resources such as the Courageous Marriage and Redeeming Childbirth series.
  • Exclusive access to the courageous kid’s podcast. Play it for your kids to stir up good discussions.
  • Monthly LIVE Q&A with the Tolpins; ask the anything.
  • Powerful Biblically minded community.
  • Topic-based discussion groups.
  • You get your own profile and can connect with others.
  • Growing libraries of LIVE replays

All Ministry Resources: becourageousministry.org

Our Courses

Financial Gift

  • Financial Giving, is important to support our family and expand the impact of the ministry. We aim to impact 10 million  legacies. We are in full-time ministry as a large family, so everything makes a difference. 

Thank you for being part of this movement to equip 10 million families and their legacies with Biblical truth to raise confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

Hey guys, thanks for joining us today. We’re really glad that you are here because today’s topic is incredibly crucial. We’re seeing just numbers of people who are raising entitled kids. And really that’s largely because they’re not being disciplined biblically.

It’s so important that children understand the laws of sowing and reaping. And if parents aren’t doing their job in following through, then they grow up not understanding, sowing and reaping. And that causes a lot of havoc entitled generations and so forth. That’s right.

So today we are talking about the two steps to do before disciplining your child. It’s incredibly crucial. I think you’re going to find this a very fruitful and encouraging podcast. So let’s get started.

Welcome to Courageous Parenting Podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Hi, I’m Angie from Courageous Mom and Isaac.

From Resolute Man Together pursuing the mission to impact 10 million families and their legacies for the Kingdom of God.

We’ve been married for 23 years and are seeing the fruit from raising our nine children biblically. Based on the raw truth found in the Bible.

We can no longer let the culture win the hearts of children, as too many from Christian families are walking away from their faith by the age 18. And it doesn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t be this way.

We’re praising the Lord. That ministry continues to expand and impact more legacies. We couldn’t do this without you. Whether you pray for us, give us five star reviews, or share on social.

Or even if you purchase courses and merch or join the Be Courageous app community, enjoy the coffee or support financially. We’re so thankful you are a big part of the 10 Million Legacies movement.

If you want access to all the episodes, show notes, and other biblically based resources, go to Be Courageous ministry.org.

Join us as we start another important conversation about effective parenting in a fallen world. Welcome to the podcast. We’re so glad you’re here. We have a really good topic today.

We’re talking about discipline. Woo woo I just had it. Not so funny.

They’re like, why are you so excited about that?

Yeah. No, because this is literally the topic we get asked the most questions about always right. And so you guys, I don’t know how many of you guys have gone through the Courageous Parenting Mentor program. But in there in session four, we have a whole session on obedience where we cover the ten steps to biblical discipline. No, it is not an equation. It just happened to be as we were going through this process and like trying to pinpoint what are the most important things in the process of discipline that ended up being ten, which is just amazing because that makes it easy to remember. But we’re going to go over the first two with you guys today because they’re so vital. And discipline is necessary for so many reasons, so many reasons.

We’re going to dive into that. First, I just want to thank you for being part of the 10 Million Legacies movement. It’s a vision that God put on our hearts to impact 10 million families. You’re a part of that by listening, sharing, liking the episodes, sharing on social media, writing reviews on Apple, Spotify, wherever you’re listening. Google play. So we just so are so thankful we couldn’t do it without you. This is a full time effort, and so all show notes and resources are at Courageous Parenting.com. But also the bigger ministry site with everything is Be courageous ministry.org. So we just appreciate you so much and every time you also purchase or give. It literally enables us to put so much free content out that is helping so many people. Did you know people listen from 196 countries, including China and places like Iran and so forth. So it really is so encouraging when we look at the data and we hear the messages and we see that deep and wide impact of the ministry, praise the Lord. We just been along for the journey by the Lord’s prompting.

No, it’s totally true. So thank you so much. And I just want to encourage you guys to go and check out the site, Be Courageous ministry.org that Isaac was mentioning before, because we have a lot of really neat new things that are going to be popping up there in the next few weeks as well that are exciting resources. And sometimes there’s events like we’re also going to be a part of an event here locally that we’re excited about. And so anyway, go check that out. Let’s dive in. Isaac, you want to talk about these two steps before you discipline your children. So let’s say little Johnny is having a temper tantrum, a meltdown, a meltdown because a toy that he was playing with got ripped away by his brother Tom, and he’s freaking out and he doesn’t really have emotional self-control. And that’s an obvious like, mom needs to mediate. She needs to get involved, if you will, and she needs to help the child who is not having emotional self-control to regulate and to calm down and find out what’s going on. Right. But there’s also going to be a need for conversation mediation between these two little ones, because they probably don’t know how to handle conflict biblically. And so we get to teach them. So we’ll get.

Into that in just a second. So good. I think it’s important that we first talk about a perspective change. Because if we want to tend to our children’s hearts, which is essential in this topic, then we have to have a heart change about how we look at disobedience. It is vital because what we have learned and what we understand in the Bible is that and lived out in our parenting is that when a child disobeys, it’s actually this beautiful opportunity to see what you normally can’t see.

That’s right. I used a really interesting word in that little analogy that I gave you. It was she gets to intercede. She gets to help mediate reconciliation, to bring restoration. Right. And that’s a process. But it starts first with your perspective. Is what you’re saying that it’s more of an opportunity rather than an annoyance? Yes. Which is huge. I mean, I I’m a mom. I’ve been a mom for a very long time. I’m incredibly familiar with how you can have a schedule or plans for your day and then based upon someone’s sin or their selfish, their selfish sin or their disobedience, which is also sin. Obviously, we’re talking about different kinds of sin here. Can throw your schedule off the railroad tracks per se, and how that can be irritating, especially when you’re trying to get a group of kids to come along and to be participating in doing this one thing. Let’s just get through the homeschool session or whatever it is. Is right. Let’s get through the field trip. Let’s get the house cleaned. And it can. It can really be triggering, I guess is a good word for a mom as far as her blood pressure going up and different things like that. And so but but really, if we have the right perspective, sometimes it actually prevents all of that.

So what is this perspective? What do we need to shift instead of being annoyed, frustrated, taking it personally, messing up my plan and my schedule and oh, there you go again, frustrated. What do we get a shift in C and why is this such an important opportunity?

Well, you know, viewing it as an opportunity, recognizing that all for all have fallen short of the glory of God. We’ve all sinned at times, right? And when a child is young, like understanding, having understanding for them and long suffering for them, which the Bible even says, love is patient, love is kind, love is long suffering. Okay, long suffering is not short suffering, it’s long suffering. So when we think about what that word actually means, it really exposes. Whoa. Actually, do I know what long suffering is? Or do I tend to maybe distance myself from relationships, even between adults? That would require me to be long suffering. And I think that especially in Western culture, there is that I don’t have to be a part of this. I’m walking away, or I don’t want to pursue depth of friendship and walking through trials with someone who maybe is struggling. It’s I’m I’m choosing to walk away. Right. And so there’s really a that I think that that mindset really ruins parenting because we no longer are as dedicated to the process that might be necessary for some kids, for them to be fully restored in their relationship with the person that they sinned against. For them to be growing up in maturity, to be learning how to have self control and things like that. If we’re impatient with the process because it’s not a matter of just handing out a consequence, that’s not what we’re talking about.

Yeah, people are always asking, what’s your method? What’s what’s your method for this? If they do that, then what do you do?

And we’re like, it’s there’s actually ten steps to it. And this first step that we’re talking about, well actually what we’re talking about is before you do the first step and it’s truly like as a parent, it’s our responsibility to recognize that we have the right perspective on what is going on in our child’s hearts. There you.

Go. So you the opportunity is to see where their heart is and the heart condition and what’s happening. That selfishness if they don’t want to share, or that manipulation if they’re using words in the wrong way, or if they’re just trying to get a fact and get their way through yelling that is showing a heart condition in your child. And if we as leaders, if we don’t see as an opportunity to tend to that heart, yes, we believe in correcting in a biblical way, but it’s important to tend to that heart for us. So you get to see that heart, and then you get an opportunity there to help them grow, to help them understand why that is wrong and to either get restoration if they offended someone, but most importantly, to point them to Jesus. That’s another time that they get to understand the gospel. Think of every time they disobey. You get to help them understand the gospel. Why? Because they increasingly become aware that they have sin. And if children don’t understand sin, then they don’t really understand a need for Jesus.

It’s very simple, actually, and it’s interesting that our world is trying to eradicate that word sin. In fact, even in some Christian circles, there are a lot of parents that don’t like. They don’t actually teach their kids what sin is, and that’s to the child’s detriment for many reasons. One imagine if you were a child growing up and you never sinned. You never did anything wrong, even like as a mistake. Like there was nothing wrong with you. You grow up in this kind of, um, utopia place where every time you make a mistake. Oh, it’s not it’s there’s no challenge for you to grow up. There’s no challenge for you to exercise emotional self-control. There’s no like calling a child up to something more mature. And then when they’re older, what happens? We have this entitlement attitude, right? Where? Well, and blame shifting goes along with that entitlement attitude, which we see largely in some of these younger generations that are they’re kind of known for that, right? The whole blame shifting, not taking ownership over their own actions or lack of action is actually pretty accurate. Right? And we don’t want to raise kids who are going to be inactive. We don’t want to raise children who are blame shifting and not taking responsible. Ability because at the end of the day, what really matters. What really matters is their relationship with God. And in order for them to be reconciled to God, there has to be a moment of confession and repentance. And that can’t happen unless there’s realization of sin first.

And then there’s a wonderful prayer together. Yes to Jesus and repenting and asking forgiveness. And how beautiful is that? So it’s just it’s just a great thing. And so think about how often your children disobey. I don’t know how often they are, but you.

Think or even just sin because there’s many other sins. Not just disobedience, right?

But when you’re tending to it and you’re seeing this, that’s an opportunity for them to better understand the power of Jesus in their lives. And if that happens over and over again, what starts to happen as they get older? They really intimately understand the power of Jesus and what he did on the cross. And that’s pretty cool. So I think perspective change is a big thing. It’s not about behavior saviours, right? It’s not just about changing behavior. It’s about heart.


Which changes behavior.

That’s right. Yes. It’s kind of like I’m sure you’ve heard a lot of people say I don’t do works for salvation. I love Jesus, and because I love him, I want to obey him. And then that is why you see the fruit you see, right? It’s because of your love for Jesus and your love for God. And they’re like the Word of God because of your commitment and your devotion and your love. That’s why you would obey. Right? And so that is also the same heart that we as parents should have towards wanting our children to obey us. It should be because they love us, and there should be a provocation of wanting to obey because of love, not because of fear, of of consequence, not because of. Or can I just say threat of consequence? Because I think there’s a lot of parents out there that are pretty good at threatening consequences, and they never even follow through with any kind of consequence at all, even if it’s taking a toy away.

Well, let’s just pause there for a second. If that happens in your leadership as a parent, then your words are losing meaning a little bit more every time you do it. And so pretty soon, your children can’t even hear you anymore because they’re hollow words, because there’s no action behind what you say. Hey, we just want to take a moment here in the middle and just share something really amazing that’s been happening that we would love for you to be a part of. And that’s the Be Courageous app.

It’s actually free for the first week. We have a free trial, so go check it out in the Google App Store or your Apple Store. And you can you can try it out, spend some time in there. Take advantage of the free exclusive resources like the Kids Podcast or the Courageous Marriage series, or.

Your redeeming childbirth and postpartum stuff.

And oh yeah, there’s all kinds of we basically have an audio and video book of Redeeming Child.

And we do we do spontaneous lives in there, and we do monthly Q and A’s, where you can ask us anything for an hour. Everything’s recorded and put in libraries so you can see all the stuff we’ve already done by topic and the new stuff and be part of that. It’s just becoming. And it’s not just about us. What’s really cool about it, it’s it’s gone way beyond us. There’s so many people sharing, answering each other’s questions, encouraging each other.

It’s become a true, like biblical community where people point each other to resources that are biblical to the Lord in prayer, and they just support each other. And it’s really pretty awesome.

So come join us. Be courageous in the App Store. Now I get people of different backgrounds. People are going to different churches. They’re reading their Bible, but maybe not all of it. Maybe this is a new concept to them. Maybe they’re doing it, but they’re not sure there’s confusion out there. There’s books out there like what do I listen to? And these kinds of things and what I think is important for us all, just to take a moment and listen to regarding this and many other things, which is second Timothy four three through four, which is a really important scripture. It says, for the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears, they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. And the reason that’s important to bring up is because this is a topic where Christians kind of move all over the place, and I think it’s really important for you not to listen just to your just to how you feel or only look at your experiences, but to actually read the Bible in all the places it talks about discipline. And I think that’s really important.

Yeah. So before we get into these first two steps, if you will, of the ten steps to biblical discipline that we that we go over in the Parenting Mentor program, we really wanted to hone in on, like. Understanding that our perspective does need to shift away from being annoyed. Frustrated, like you were saying, into thank you Lord for this opportunity to help point my child back to you and into better relationship with the person they offended. If they offended someone. Sometimes sin is between a child and God. Sometimes it’s between a child and God and and a parent or a sibling or a friend or someone else. And so really, our heart posture should be this is an opportunity to do the Lord’s work, to partner with him in a reconciliatory ministry. Absolutely. Actually, that’s really beautiful. If you think about it, it is.

And once you see it as an opportunity, you’re more likely to do it because you’re doing something that you know is essential for the well-being and future well-being of your child. And so it’s important to consistently, lovingly correct your children. It is important to follow through every time and by the way, no families are perfect. No children are perfect. No parents are perfect. Nobody’s perfect. And so we all know that we’re not perfect. So you know. And does that. Is there anybody in the world that consistently, lovingly follows through and correcting their children every single time? Maybe not. Although it is a good thing to aspire to, it is a good thing to think about. And I think that a lot of parents can do a lot better at this. And it just so happens it seems like children, we can be consistent like five times in a row. It’s that six time we’re not. It seems like they remember the six time.

Well, really it comes down to are we people of our word right? Yeah. And I think that that’s part of it is that if we are going to give a consequence, this is another aspect of that. If we are going to give a consequence because of a child’s consistent sin an issue, or maybe they disobey you or they’re defiant in their attitude and you need to correct that. If we just put out, I’m going to do this, if you do it again and then we don’t follow through and we’re not consistent, that actually we lose trust with our child in that moment. And it’s very important that we understand that we’re all building a reputation with one another. And if you consistently do that versus consistently follow through with your kids, you’re building a reputation of not doing what you say you’re going to do.

And then they are having a bad understanding of what authority is in their life. Right. And they might become really independent people. It’s a certain level of independence is great in a biblical way, but they might go outside of that even because they don’t really see you as the authority they need to, that God intended them to at this, the level that they’re supposed to, because you don’t follow through and your words are becoming hollow. So it’s really important that they grow to respect authority. And they do that through your authority when they’re young. And having a good respect for authority is vital. Walking with the Lord. And because who’s the ultimate authority in our lives and our children’s lives? Yeah, God. And don’t we want our children to want to obey God and understand, have a that good kind of fear of God, that awestruck amazement for his authority, not the dread fear, but the the good kind of fear that I just want to please him. Well, then we need to. We’re never going to be like, God, I’m not saying that, but we need to represent good authority in their lives. So because that does help them in their relationship with God and.

Representing good authority would be having realistic biblical expectations of what appropriate or godly righteous behavior is actually. And so that really speaks boldly against the lies of the enemy. Like kids will be kids and boys will be boys. And all of these things, these idioms or these cultural sayings that literally leave a window open for a parent to just not even bother confronting a child. I’m not even talking about, like, having a consequence or or having a teaching time where you’re actually pointing out what’s going wrong. I’m talking about them literally ignoring blatant sin attitudes or disrespect for other people’s properties. Even like there are so many things we could talk about in this, but I think that the ultimate thing is that we need to understand that, like Isaac read in Second Timothy, the world is a fallen place and there is a worldly perspective on discipline, and there’s a biblical perspective on discipline. And we really want to encourage parents to have a biblical perspective on discipline based upon the Bible, not based upon what Isaac and Andrew say, not based upon our opinion, but strictly what is the Bible actually say? And so before we dive into these first two steps, you know, I think one of the most important topics is marriage alignment, because this is huge.

You guys, we’ve been doing the parenting mentor program for, what, almost five years now? January will be five years. We’ve had thousands of parents. Over 3000 parents go through the parenting mentor program. And in that very first session, we talk often. We every single time we talk about the attack of the enemy on the marriage alignment and we warn parents to be, you got to communicate. You guys need to be in the same team. And truly, we need to understand that obviously there’s an attack on marriage today and that’s going to affect your parenting. And so when you’re talking about discipline with your spouse, if you haven’t had that conversation where you talk about like, okay, so what should the consequences be for Sally? You know, now that she’s seven or like, this is a growing conversation that I feel like when you’re raising kids is a is something that you talk about on a regular basis because they’re constantly growing.

You’re discovering what is going to be a good consequence for different things as you are getting to know them as they’re getting older and so forth and doing different things. And that is so important because we have to proactively communicate about this. We need to have marriage meetings. About this and be in alignment, because if there is an alignment, then you don’t actually have a plan. And if there isn’t a good plan, there isn’t follow through. And if there isn’t follow through, then your children are going to have a faulty maturing process. They’re also likely to become entitled children. Why do you think so many of these new generations at large are becoming more and more entitled as we go? Why do you think half of the young people care about socialism and think it’s a better way? Why are these things happening? Well, there’s many reasons, but one of the biggest reasons is a lack of follow through in correcting children lovingly in in a good way when they’re little, and understanding authority and understanding this because otherwise they become entitled and they grow up and it becomes really hard as they get older. So if you want to love the teenage years, this stuff is vital. And it’s not even just about loving the teenage years. It’s about the well-being of your future adults. It’s about going into the world and their legacy, your legacy, their children and their children.

It’s also about their godly character and what what how they’re going to impact other people’s lives. And I you know, it’s interesting because as you were talking, there were so many different scenarios and memories that were popping through my mind over the years. We’ve been parenting for a long time. Isaac, for those of you who maybe are listening for the first time, you may not know this, but we have nine kids that range in ages 2 to 23, and we also have granddaughters. Well, because our son is married and they’re expecting their second. And so we’ve been at this for a long time, and we are still far from perfect. But one thing that has really become apparent to me regarding marriage alignment is that if you are not in marriage alignment, there is no conversation about parenting or discipline or consequences or any of these kinds of things. Let’s just say it’s like not even something that you think about. Or maybe you think about it, but it’s a touchy subject. Or maybe a spouse is gone and you know that they don’t want to discipline at all. So then the other parent doesn’t do it. There are a lot of people who are in these situations. But here’s the biggest danger, Isaac, is that if there isn’t marriage alignment for disciplining, then there is actually no marriage accountability for disciplining. Biblically. There’s no accountability for it to be done from a position of heart and love and care, which is how God the Father deals with us. It’s out of love that we’re disciplined. And so I think that there is a need on so many levels for marriage alignment.

But one of them is that when you guys come together and you communicate and you make a plan, then there’s accountability, then there’s conversations. And how did it go today with this child? Because we’ve been working with that child on these things, teamwork. And and it’s like, okay, well here’s the little Intel. And then he’s like, okay. And then he steps in the gap because mom has been doing the work during the day. And and you feel like you’re more of a team. And there’s also that ability when you’re praying together to just share. Like I got frustrated and I need prayer. And this has been really hard. And can you help more and communicating about all of that, or even in situations where it’s like there have been times where Isaac has seen me go, go, go, go, go. And I had a day and then one of the kids will something will happen and maybe they start to lose emotional self-control. And sometimes I handle it well, and sometimes I’m just like, I’ve got dough on my hands or something, you know? And I’m like, really? Right now? And he’ll be standing there and he’ll be like, I got it. And he takes, he’ll take over if I’m if I’m in that situation because he knows, oh, that that could be frustrating to get triggered, provoked if you will. Right. And I’m just so thankful because he will see where I might be at my wit’s end or getting close to it. And he steps in. That’s marriage accountability. Yeah. And it can be really beautiful, but it requires communication.

It is so important. So we’re going to give you these next these two first steps. Next we talked about marriage alignment. We talked about the importance of shifting your perspective seeing it as an opportunity. And we talked about how consistent follow through is essential. That was our intro. Hope you liked it. Here’s the two first steps. The very first step to the ten steps of discipline is to check yourself. So that scenario Angie was talking about earlier, little Johnny or Sally is misbehaving and so forth. Right? The first thing you need to do before you take any action is check how you’re doing. Because what we never want to do is discipline in anger. You know, and I know that’s an issue one, because I’m a parent, but two, because one of our most popular podcast. Suds is how to not become angry with your children.

It is still and I think that was from season two and here we are almost in season six. So that was in the first. That was. So this is.

A shared challenge across the board for a lot of parents. And but it’s important we should never correct our children no matter what our method of correction is that we think is inappropriate. We shouldn’t do that in anger. We need to have self-control. It’s vital that we do.

You know, it’s interesting because you said, I know this is a problem because of how many podcast listens we get to that specific episode, but also because we’re parents. Another way that we know that this is a problem is because God’s Word actually warns parents. And so whenever we see a warning, whenever we see an instruction, it’s because God knows humanity, because he designed humanity and he knows the inner workings. He knows our thoughts, he knows our feelings, he knows all of it. And I just want to share with you guys because this is a massive warning. Colossians 321 says, fathers, do not provoke your children lest they become discouraged.


This is a massive warning because if we provoke our children to become discouraged, they may walk away from the faith. Especially if you’re claiming Christ. And that would be the worst possible thing that could happen. And I just I want to warn you, this this is literally the verse right after children obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. This is family dynamics. These are instructions on Christian living. For if you walk in God’s way, things will be a lot easier in life because your relationships will go better, right?

So if you struggle with this, the first thing to do is to confess it to your spouse, even though they probably already see it. But that act of humility opens up the opportunity. As you heard in our last podcast, the importance of praying together with Aaron and Jennifer Smith. Such a great episode. And so that opens that door for some loving accountability from your spouse and then praying over you and with you about it and overcoming that. We shouldn’t try and overcome these things alone if we can’t break the habit. So it’s really important, though, because I think it really jeopardizes the the good outcome that can happen from correcting our kids when we do it in an angry way, because it erodes the relationship a little bit.

You know, Proverbs 14 verse 29 says, whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly. This is super convicting for everybody, because and I will say myself as well, because there are times where I am hasty with jumping into conclusions. I’m hasty at times, especially with older kids. I think when we’re in conversations or if there’s conflict, I will get quick to the conclusion because I’m often times just short with my time. Like I think to myself, let’s, let’s get through this and that. Need for patience and to slow things down is something that Isaac, my, my head, and my great partner in parenting is actually really naturally so good at. And so when he’s there, often times he’ll say, well, Angie, you really need to just listen. And I’m like. Huh? And I just get quiet, don’t I? And there is another perfect example of marriage accountability. Because when your kids are getting older, your. The dynamics change. I think that one word that might be really important for moms to hear, because I was convicted about this just in my own time with the Lord many years ago, and it’s something that I remind myself of on a regular basis, is that as moms, when we’re training children and we’re managing a home and we’re delegating and we’re cleaning and we’re getting things done and we’re we’re really like we’re training other people, but we’re also training ourselves in how we talk to people.

And if you’re in charge of little children, especially, like, you know, multiple kids under five, for example, and you’re talking to them all day long, and then your husband comes home, he may even find you sometimes talking to him like he’s their age for a few times simply because you haven’t, like, shifted out of the way that you speak. And if you’ve ever struggled with that, it’s because you’ve you’re also training yourself. Now, listen, have some grace with yourself because this happens to everybody. You’re not perfect, but you do need to recognize the problem and repent of it and change. You need to stop doing that right, but also recognize that there is a need for you to grow as your kids are growing in how you are leading your home and how you’re talking to your kids. So you’re not talking to 13 year old as if they were six still, because they’re going to feel disrespected as well. And if a child feels disrespected by how you’re talking to them or commanding them around, even as they get older, that’s going to be really difficult as well.

And dads, if you’re coming home and you’re command and control and yelling and these kinds of things and you’re not knitting a strong relationship with your children, you can easily get with your words anybody in your house to do things, it doesn’t mean you’re growing in influence, though. It doesn’t mean you’re not. You’re growing in the right kind of influence that you’re going to need in those teenage years. So we really have to communicate effectively, and we have to be aware of that. It doesn’t mean sometimes we can’t have a very strong word. There’s a difference between anger and a strong word, if you know what I mean. And there’s sometimes there is a need for.

Being serious.

Being serious about things like if they’re going out in the road, we’re going to be serious. And we’re like, no, don’t stop.

You’re going to get hit.

We get that. But but when we’re anger, we’re beside ourselves and we’re emotionally losing self control. There’s a big difference in that. And so real quick check yourself by going is this am I taking this personally? Is it causing me to start to lose self control? There’s physiological indicators of when we start to get emotional and and angry and frustrated. I have like a vein that pops, I grit my teeth, my, you know, my knee bounces, but also my knee bounces when I’m positive too. So I don’t know. But you know, it does. But but but these things can happen. And I start to, you know, that some of you get might get red in the face, things like that. There’s different triggers. So start to notice what those are so that you can calm yourself down. Don’t engage in correcting your children until you are calmed down. You either, you know, isolate them where they can be set apart for a moment, and then you cool down, or your spouse helps you and you go, I need help.

Yeah, I think that for me, one of the things, just because Isaac shared some of his physiological symptoms, it might be helpful for you guys to hear some of mine. Mine are very different than his. I will start getting hot. I also am very expressive in my face, and so I can start feeling like I’m getting a headache because I’ll be scowling longer than I realize I am just out of frustration. And so I have to be really conscientious and aware of what my body language is when I’m correcting a child, because I can get very serious. And I think all parents do at times. But we, you know, sometimes I don’t know if you’ve ever, like, seen a kid roll their eyes at you or scowl or frown or have haughty eyes, as the Bible calls it in Proverbs chapter six, which, by the way, is an abomination to the Lord. It’s kind of an intense discipline for ourselves if we have a hard time with that. But I think that it’s important that we take our own advice. If you have ever said, I wish you could see yourself in the mirror right now. If you’ve ever said that to a child, you should try looking at yourself in a mirror. When you get frustrated with a child and see what your face actually looks like. I know that is going to be very complicated, because if you’re telling yourself, go look in the mirror, your face is actually going to change by the time you get to a mirror. But if you can, try not to. It actually can be very, very good at convicting our own hearts and becoming aware. It’s part of checking ourselves.

So some of the things that I have done over the years to help myself in those moments when I am actually. Experiencing some of the physiological changes, like if I’m getting hot or if I start getting a headache. Those are kind of my triggers. I will take a time out myself. I just call it a mommy timeout. And I’ve written about this a little bit on the Courageous Mom blog many, many years ago, but it really is effective. Just go into your closet, take a few deep breaths. Sometimes I’ll even use oils and I’ll just breathe and I’ll pray and and I just ask the Lord to calm my spirit so that I can be effective as a parent. Because sometimes when our kids are in sin, it can be offensive. But we need to recognize that a lot of times when kids are in sin, when they’re losing emotional self-control and there hasn’t been disobedience to us, it’s not a personal offense, but we still get triggered as parents and we need to recognize, like, can I just say this one sentence? I’ve said this to some of my kids and it makes them laugh. It’s made me laugh when I’ve whispered it to myself at times when I start getting mad. Here’s another thing that’ll diffuse you. Are you really going to let the 24 month old make you mad over spilled milk? Are you really? Are you really going to get that mad over the four year old having unplugged the TV? Like, are you really whatever it is like to really to put it into perspective and go, oh, okay, it’s not worth getting mad about.

So good. So checking yourself in the second tip. Second step.

Actually, the second step is to diagnose the real issue. And this can be a real challenge for a lot of parents because there are so many heart attitude. There are fleshly sin temptations that kids give into. There’s there’s sometimes generational sins, really deep heart probed things sometimes. And so for a lot of parents, they will just call it naughty and just call it good. Like you’re being naughty. And I really want to challenge you right now to not use that word, but instead to pray and ask God now, like right now, Lord, would you help me to have wisdom to be able to diagnose the sins of the heart as I see them, so that I can pray specifically for my child, so that I can study the scriptures that are about those specific sins, so I can train my child biblically to be able to stand firm against the temptation for that thing. And I think that if we as parents really saw the root issue and we trained our children on this is a root issue, this is a human problem. You’re not the only person that’s ever struggled with this. This is a sin. This isn’t who you are. This is just a choice you made and really making the difference between identity and what we do. There’s a difference there. And so and Jesus, he came to make us clean. And so walking our child through that process really brings freedom. And that’s part of the process. But we can’t do the process if we don’t diagnose the real sin. So you have to.

Seek to understand that takes patience, that takes listening, not jumping to conclusions, not just assuming because little Johnny tends to do something that he did it again, this time because you could be wrong. So you have to make sure you don’t want. Imagine if you gave the wrong person a consequence and they start building an identity in that. And even if they don’t do it, they get in trouble. And so we have to be careful. We do have to understand that children lie and which of the siblings is lying in the situation. We have to really investigate if that’s the case and talk through it. And once you understand, you completely understand what’s happening, then you can now better understand what to do next.

Right? And that’s when the biblical training comes in. That’s when you’re able to actually point to scriptures and lead your children to the Lord. When you’re able to take them to scriptures like there are six things that the Lord hates. One is haughty eyes and one is lying tongue. Right? Like just going to those specific scriptures, or when you know that there’s an ongoing issue that your child has with something specific in peace time when they’re listening during devotions, you can study that scripture and then not hang. We don’t want to hang our kids sins over their heads, but you could even ask, like, when’s one time that you’ve struggled with one of these things? And for them to really be like thinking about it and maybe they’ll share, maybe they won’t, but to go, hey, you know what? Everybody has struggled with sin at different times in their life. And Jesus forgives us when we pray and we ask him to forgive us. And he can also help us not to do those things again, but we need him to help us. And so you’re like going through this process. But diagnosing the sin is not just to like put a label on it. It’s for a purpose. Prayer, education and biblical equipping that really is the role of the parent, right? That we get to step in the gap and, and lead our kids to the right scriptures that are going to actually set their hearts free.

You know, what’s so cool about that is they actually see you using the Bible as a tool versus just reading it. When the pastor speaks, it becomes, there’s a big difference they’re witnessing. Wow, mom uses the Bible. Dad uses the Bible to help me mature, to help me grow through this thing that I keep having. It’s not like they want to be a manipulator. It’s not like they want to be somebody that is, you know, having an issue with lying or sharing or these kinds of things. They don’t want that once they’re out of their situation and they’re come, come to their senses with your help. They didn’t they don’t want to keep doing that. Right. So when they see you with the Word of God and the Word of God is practical, and it has an answer for that, it is attracting them to God’s truth. And they’re experiencing God’s truth, helping them by your help. And so what a beautiful opportunity.

I think part of it too, you guys, we do a lot more in the parenting Mentor program in regards to helping parents know, like, what are the different sins that you could as far as being like a assistant to the real doctor, right? The doctor is Jesus, but we’re like his assistant or his nurse and a. Sense, right, where we’re helping to diagnose so that we can intercede on behalf of our child. And it’s really a beautiful picture when you think about it. And I just want to share this last scripture with you. That’s Galatians six one and two. And this is one of the scriptures. We dive really deep into this in the very first live in the Parenting Mentor program. And this is really the heart of it, says brothers. If anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. So here we are with the very first key step in disciplining your child. It’s based on. Lest ye too be tempted, check yourself and then diagnose the real issue. But you have to do that from a spirit of gentleness. And you can’t do that from a spirit of gentleness. If you haven’t checked yourself, really been honest and going, okay, I need a time out first or not. Or maybe I should say a prayer first. Or if my child is not calm, I need to take extra time and hold them and hug them and pray with them to help them have self control so that I can actually talk to them, because they’re not going to hear me if they don’t. Yeah.

When they’re, when they’re beside themselves, you have to do that because your words are becoming fruitless. And if you’re trying, then you start making them louder. And pretty soon your heart is racing and pretty soon you’re angry.

And you’re louder. Like, if you’ve ever gotten into a it seems like it’s a contest with a child getting louder and louder and louder. Someone has to be the mature one to step in and bring things down a tone. And that’s the parents. That’s that’s the parent. And so, you know, we just want to encourage you guys. But if you are looking for more biblical truth on this topic, we hope that you would join us in the next Parenting Mentor program, where we go over all ten steps to biblical discipline, and I.

Hope this was super helpful for everybody. Thanks for joining us.

See you next time. Hey, thanks for listening and being a part of the 10 Million Legacies movement. Go to be Courageous ministry. Org for more biblically based resources, ways to switch where you spend your money that support the mission and information about the incredible Be Courageous app community for believers.

Also, we wanted to quickly tell you about our six week online Parenting Mentor program.

Isaac and I created a powerful biblical curriculum. Here’s how it works. Each week, we release a video session with a downloadable parenting packet to make it easy for you to incorporate those teachings directly into your parenting.

This is an incredible, self-paced program. We cover everything from tending to their hearts, handling obedience to overcoming mistakes most Christians are making. But more than that, it’s a supportive community. You’ll have access to our private group and the Be Courageous app, live webcasts, and direct access to us.

If you’re interested in joining our next online Parenting Mentor program, secure your spot now at Be Courageous Ministry. Org that’s Be Courageous ministry.org.


Written By Angie Tolpin
Angie has been married to Isaac for 19 years and together they have eight children, whom she homeschools. She is the Founder of CourageousMom.com, a doula, the author of the best-selling book Redeeming Childbirth, and the creator of the first ever Christian Postpartum Course. Angie loves ministering to Women and has created a few online Bible Studies on Biblical Friendship and Motherhood.

Reader Interactions

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *