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Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

Wow, We just finished this episode and we’re so glad you have this content because discipling our children is so paramount.

Today we’re talking specifically about the middle schooler age. So ten, 11, 12, 13. We are diving into talking about some really important conversations, like what are the things that that age group struggles with the most and what are scriptures that will help you in discipling your kids on those things that they struggle with?

So hang in there. It’s a little longer episode, but at the end we list off key scriptures that you can use with your children. So good. Welcome to Courageous Parenting Podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Hi, I’m Angie from Courageous.

Mom and Isaac from Resolute Man Together pursuing the mission to impact 10 million families and their legacies for the Kingdom of God.

We’ve been married for 23 years and are seeing the fruit from raising our nine children Biblically. Based on the raw truth found in the Bible.

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Join us as we start another important conversation about effective parenting in a fallen world. Hey, welcome to the podcast. Hey guys. We’re talking about middle school aged kids today, aren’t we?

Oh, I’m really excited to talk about this. This is I don’t see a lot of people talking about this age category. Yeah. Even just when I’m looking at social media, of course, there’s some really wonderful families out there that’ll like they’ll toot their horn, if you will, and say, I love my teenagers. Don’t believe that lie, and I love that messaging. We’ve said the same thing, but there isn’t a lot of, like really encouraging discipleship, like challenging conversations around this age group happening.

It’s so good. And even if your children are younger still or they’re there or older teenagers, this is still relevant because the tips we give in here are important to know, even if you’re in different parenting seasons. So stay tuned because I think it’ll really be edifying.

You know, you just made me think of something, you guys, something that would be really helpful. We’re so thankful for those of you who listen on a weekly basis and you share with your friends, you text them a link to the podcast and go, Hey, listen to this. Hope you’re encouraged. That kind of stuff, sharing on social media, tagging us. We’re super encouraged by that. And today, if you know someone who has a middle schooler, I would just encourage you to send this podcast episode to them because we are going to talk about three main points today. This is our agenda. We’re going to talk about deep relationships with your kids at this age, this middle school age, how to do that at age 10 to 13 ish. We’re going to talk about recalibration. So like auditing different areas of their life, slash your life to really encourage a stronger relationship, actually. And then the third thing that we’re going to talk about is discipleship. And that’s going to be a really, I think, a bulky part of our conversation, super important towards the end of the podcast. So stay tuned.

So glad you’re here. Be courageous ministry.org is where all resources are free and the ones you can pay for that are super valuable that help the ministry. Also information about the Be Courageous app which by the way, there’s something really exciting and new about it is a premium app. It’s very expensive to run it. It’s very sophisticated and simple to use though. But on the back end there is a lot to it to make it work the way it does. But it’s exclusive resources like the Courageous Marriage series, powerful community, and lots of other great things. So you got to go check that out. But now it is free for the first seven days for all new subscribers. So hit your app store. Be courageous and try it for free for seven days. And I have a feeling you’re going to fall in love with it right away. But anyways, very small investment to invest in your legacy. Also join us for the Parenting Mentor program that is hands down. We keep hearing back from people the most crucial resource for parents during these times.

So totally and we just a little plug for the app is that we have our private group for the Courageous Parenting Mentor program, which when you’re in the app, you get access to all future lives. And so how many lives are in there right now?

Isaac There’s 28 or.

Something, yeah. So because that’s how long we’ve had the app going. So super exciting resource. Yeah.

And you get that free for three months when you get the parenting mentor program anyways. Okay. Raising resilient middle schoolers is so important in these times. And regardless of the current stature of your children, their behavior, the direction they’re going, whether they believe in God or not right now, this is going to be super helpful. And I think that on that note, this is the age group where really everything starts to become exposed. And what do I mean by that?

Well, we were talking you and I were talking about this as we were preparing and how, you know, a lot of times with little kids, especially when you’re really hands on and you’re in a season of really hands on with your kids and they’re going to church with mom and dad because that’s what you do as a family, right? There’s like they don’t know any different. Right. And that’s a really honestly, it’s such a easy season, comparatively speaking. And I don’t mean that in a discouraging kind of way at all. What I mean is that it’s it’s more simple in that they do what mom and dad are leading them to go do. But as your kids get older and they start making their faith their own or doubting and questioning their faith, because some kids do do that, they don’t have to. Okay. Which I think is kind of like a thing that most people think their kids have to go through a doubting phase. And I just want to encourage you that your kids actually don’t have to go through a doubting phase. But if they do, there’s nothing wrong with them. I think that what we need to understand is that every person is on their own spiritual journey with the Lord, and he’s writing their story and they have a part in that as well. So we have to have patience and long suffering and be faithful in what God’s called us to, to teach our children and to faithfully be a part of a church and be going to church on a regular basis, be a part of a biblical community. All those things are important. But at this age. This is really when you start to see fruit from what you’ve poured into their life for the first 10 to 13 years. And so know that’s why one of the things we’re going to talk about today is doing an audit. It’s an audit of that fruit. Like, do you like the fruit in your middle school age kids or. I hate to say there’s no other way to say it, but do you not like the fruit?

Well, and we’re talking about character, their ability to build friendships and connect with people. Obviously, you know, no parents can save their children. No, only God can do that. But we are the God authorized leaders to point them to Jesus and disciple them in truth. So you start to see some of the strengths and maybe weaknesses of your efforts there. And this isn’t to think about in terms of feeling down about ourselves. No, no, no, not at all. We shouldn’t be thinking backwards. We should be thinking forwards. But this episode is no matter where you’re at right now, too, here’s what you can do regardless of the situation.

Right. You know, and it’s interesting because think about most families don’t have triplets or quadruplets or six triplets. Right? They don’t have all of their kids at one age to where you’re evaluating all of your kids at teenage years. Usually there’s like a staggering of kids, right? So maybe your oldest is a middle schooler. And so for us, one of the things that we found super fruitful is auditing our parenting, which is what we’re encouraging you to do, because sometimes, yes, each kid is on their own spiritual journey. And so there is that. You need to set that aside for a second. But sometimes you get into a parenting rhythm or a rhythm about life that actually produces a fruit that you don’t like, right? Because we do reap what we sow. And so, like I would think of like busyness, for example, I’ll just use that as an example. If you’ve been incredibly busy during your oldest child’s formative years and you’re not liking the fruit of them as a middle schooler, but then you think about how much you’ve invested in a relationship with them. That would be an important, introspective reality, to be honest about to go, I need to really pursue that child to try to invest in that relationship. But also I don’t want to continue doing this because it’s going to hurt my other kids that are younger, right? Yeah. And so while you’re I totally agree. We don’t want you guys to be feeling bad and negative on yourself. We’re all our own worst critic. There is an important element of self-examination about what we have all done with our first few children or not. Things that we haven’t done right. Like you haven’t been purposeful in discipling your kids, then you can’t expect them to have a lot of spiritual fruit. Yeah, if you.

Want change, we have to change something, right? We all know that. Certainly in the business world, guys, if you’re listening and you’re involved in work and all these things, you know that if there’s some outcome we don’t like that’s happening, we know that we have to create change. And I think that we’re we are constantly with courageous parenting, calling parents to understand that they do have massive influence, that they can at any moment change something in their parenting, that will likely yield greater fruitfulness down the road. We always can improve. That should be our mentality as parents that we have influence and we can always get better. Angie and I are not perfect parents. We absolutely can get better and we strive to get better in some areas. We start to erode and we catch ourselves and then we try to get better and we usually do because we’re really intentional about that. And we hold each other accountable and we’re accountable to each other too. So I think that’s really important. If we see fruit, that’s not good. We’re pretty responsive to that. And this is just a call to be responsive because you do make a difference. And so let’s dive into that first point, which is building deep relationships. The deeper your relationship, the more influence you have. And it is a lot about real influence versus just being called parent when they’re in the middle school years, then prior years.

You know, it’s interesting. There’s this, you know, when kids are little, there’s the scenes. We’ve done a whole podcast on this episode of idioms that are fluent in the culture, that are irritating to us, that are basically lies from the enemy. And we’ve called them out, right? Like terrible twos, terrible threes, and that the teenage years are also terrible or teenage years are terrible and.

Oh, just wait. Oh, yeah. Five kids. Oh, just wait until the teenage years. We would hear that all the time.

All the time. It was like on a record. If I would take them out into the grocery store, the kids could be being, you know, seemingly perfect in behavior and people would still say things.

So Andrew and I are like, we’re going to have great, Yes. Two year olds and it’s not going to be perfect, but we’re going to we’re not going to believe in the negative.

Right. So if you expect the negative, what do you get? You’re going to be constantly focused on the negative and looking for the negative, and then you’re going to experience the negative and think about the negative.

And then when the negative arrives, you just accept it because that’s how they all are. Right. But that’s not true.

You don’t do anything to help mold their character because you just assume. Oh, all kids are that way. Kids will be kids. I’m sorry. I hate kids. Will be kids I like. If it is that I cringe worthy sentence. It’s a cringe worthy sentence. That and boys will be boys. I just like there’s this part of me that’s like, yes, let boys be in the mud and let them. Like, there’s a good aspect of that. But then there’s the whole, Oh, I’m not going to do anything about that. All boys do that. Or like, no, if it’s a character flaw, if it’s a sin, we have to engage. Look at the fruit, activate.

Strive to influence good fruit.

Okay, so we just need a soapbox. Yes.

Deep relationships are so important. And for some of you, this is going to be easier than others. But for everybody it’s doable. And some of you, you might be having a difficult time relationally with your children. You ask them a deep question and you get a surface level response. And a lot of that is likely indicative of the leading up in your relationship with them to these years. You know, needed maybe some more deeper quantity time and maybe there was too much busyness or whatever the case may be. I get it. We got to provide. We got stuff to do. There’s things to do. So there’s no condemnation. But I think we should be introspective and go, okay, this might need more of my involvement, more quantity time, more one on one time to cultivate that and persevere in that and find creative ways to build that, which will give some tips for.

You know, talking about deep relationship, I think that. This is such an important aspect of like your your child being able to bounce things off of you, communicate with you have those deeper conversations, um, is really going to be reflective of if they feel confident that you’re going to love them regardless of what they do. I think of the, the, the concept of unconditional love needing to have been built into children up into this, you know, and through this point, through their life, obviously. But if it hasn’t been something that has been a focus of a message that you’ve told your kids like you did this, but I still love you and this doesn’t change that, I love you, There’s nothing you can do that can ever stop me from loving you. Like, those kinds of sayings are really, really important with your children all through this age category specifically and when they’re younger, because that helps them to trust that they can come to you, to talk to you about things that are a struggle. And this is the thing, if it’s about sin and stuff like that, like sometimes if you are quick to always be on the discipline and not focused on the the real main goal of reconciliation and restoration in the relationship to where you offer mercy and grace at times.

And it’s not this cookie cutter always the exact same thing. If if you go about that, you are not going to hear about the heart issues of your children, not at the level that you need to be to be the the confidant that you want to be with your kids at this age where they’re coming to you and sharing their sin struggles or the temptations that they’re being exposed to, or the peer influences that are hard. Like, if you want to have those deep conversations, you have to have a deep relationship. But your kids need to be confident in your relationship that you’re going to love them regardless and that they’re not fearful that they’re going to get just punished even though they’re confessing. Like I think that as parents with kids that have middle schoolers, we need to first be like, Wow, praise God that your heart was convicted, that you felt like you wanted to confess this thing to me and share with me your struggle. And so you don’t dive into discipline right away. Like if that’s what it’s going to be, no kid is ever going to come to you.

And sometimes sometimes for some people out there, they’re disciplining only when they find out about it and the child is not volunteering the information. And that is a reality some people experience. But if you cultivate the deep relationship with the young, those of you that have young kids right now, then you’re not going to experience as much of that maybe once in a while, but mostly they’re going to come to you because of how you make them feel, and you have that open communication that you’re cultivating, even though they know you’re going to let them down. They know that you’re going to respond with love and ability to hear them out and not just interrupt them and have long conversations. Because really what’s happening here, you’ve been parent, parent, parent, parent, parent, kind of, you know, directing them and these kinds of things. In this season, you’re starting to build, you’re becoming you’re still the parent, but you’re also a coach now and you’re moving into a coaching relationship with them. Because what happens is if you’re always the teller, then then they’re not developing their own strength and making wise choices because you’re always just directing and telling. When people come up with their own solutions or ways they went wrong and ways they need to go right in the right direction, they own them and you’re building within them through question, asking long conversations, hearing them out, asking another question, and moving forward, when they start to own it, that’s when they’re growing rapidly in the right direction, which is amazing.

Obviously loving the Lord, but it’s so important. And I just want to reiterate something that’s so important. Sometimes we ask a question and we get a surface level response. Well, isn’t that true? How was your day? And then most people are go, Oh, it’s good. You give a surface level response back because you’re trying at that moment, you’re not sure if they’re really interested and want to spend the time to have a real conversation. So then you ask another question, Oh, what’s making it a good day? Well, actually it could be better. And then, whoa, two questions deep and then you’re listening for a while and then you ask a very specific question about what you’re talking about. Now, you’ve asked three questions deep. You’re digging deep in communication with your children. So regardless, you have to prove to your children that you’re going to go deep and stay the course and not be distracted, which is hard sometimes and really continue asking questions to understand. And you can always steer them by asking a question. What do you think? You could have done better? But isn’t it easy if we’re used to littles and all of a sudden we’re in this middle school age, our mode is Here’s what you could have done better.

To just tell them. It’s interesting because years ago I wrote a blog post on this concept of what am I as a parent training myself in? And that really is essentially what you’re talking about is this. Concept of like we get into rhythms as. I’m just going to speak for myself as a mom, right? I get into a rhythm of my day when I have littles of go go going, directing, parenting, disciplining, disciplining. Like there’s all this stuff is happening all throughout the day, all day long. And with an older kid, it’s going to be very different. It’s going to look different. It’s more conversational. There’s there’s less of a lot of those other things that you’re doing with the little years. And so you have to be able to transition out of that. Otherwise it can come across. And I make this mistake often, especially since I have all the kids in the house at the same time where sometimes you can talk to an older kid the way you would talk to a five year old, and they don’t appreciate that. And so then you have to come back and apologize. I’m just giving you guys like a maybe. There are a lot of moms listening going, Oh, I’ve made that mistake and I need to own it. I know that for myself, I have to be aware of like, okay, what have I been training myself in? What has been my mom boot camp of how I direct and lead my home, having littles and understanding that I actually need to change how I lead my olders.

You stay the way you are with your littles, but you change. You gravitate to more of the coach type of thing as they’re like getting into the middle school age and then it gets even more so when there are high school age and launching from the home. Then your friends older, right? And so there’s this element of like understanding and having respect for the growth that your child is in. But here’s the thing that most people do, and I know this is very common with older generations specifically not allowing your kids to grow, not acknowledging that they have made spiritual maturity growth, that they have made character growth, that they are more intelligent, that they like. Sure, we recognize when our kids have a growth spurt because their shoes don’t fit and their pants are like two inches too short and you go and you buy them new clothes. But are you acknowledging that their mind has grown, that their character has grown, that their person, that who they are has grown? Are we as parents allowing our kids to grow and acknowledging that with our kids? Because when we do, when we verbally acknowledge the growth, our kids grow in confidence and they’re like, Yeah, and it actually deepens your relationship with your kids in a huge way, while it also builds their confidence. It’s like killing two birds with one stone.

It’s so huge. So be a good finder. And then when you see fruit sliding, dig in with deep conversations that go the distance and cultivate them, encourage them to come up with what they did wrong and what they can do better and acknowledge and and maybe you can add something to it afterwards. Sure. But acknowledge the great idea and introspection and pray with them and point them to Jesus. Reconcile. All of those things are so important. So we talked about communication, but we also have to take interest in what we’ve pointed them to be interested in.

Right? So, you know, obviously this is a huge thing for deepening your relationship. I could easily ask you a question. Do you think of the person that you have a deepest friendship with for just a moment? What is it that makes that friendship so deep? You obviously have a common interest in something. I would hope it would be the Lord, but there’s probably more to it than that. Maybe you both garden, maybe you both homeschool. Maybe you both have kids the same age as maybe your husbands do similar work. Maybe you live near each other and your whole world is very similar. As far as friendships go, whatever it is, the reality is, is there’s common interests. There’s a commonality that is there that’s bringing you guys together. And within a any relationship there’s going to be those things. But within your relationship with your children, it’s so easy, especially as our kids go from those like elementary ages into the middle school ages where they start getting interested in other things that maybe parents aren’t as interested in or maybe they are. Maybe you’re the soccer coach and you have always wanted to coach your kid’s soccer team and you’re really into it. And that’s like a place where you bond. And if that is, that’s awesome. But what else are they interested in? Or and can I also ask a really important question Is your kid only doing soccer because you’ve always wanted to be a soccer coach and you loved soccer and you pushed your kids into something that you actually love, when in reality they’d really love to be doing basketball instead.

And I bring that up because there’s this real challenge for parents when their kids get to be the middle school age. That’s typically when sports get more serious, when music lessons get more serious, anything that kids are really interested in tend to get a little bit more competitive at this age group when they’re younger, not so much. And so it’s easy for parents and we need to be introspective. Am I trying to relive vicariously through my child or is this something that was their thing that. They wanted to try because the way we deepen our relationship with them is not pushing them to do the things that we were good at. It’s acknowledging what they’re good at and encouraging them to try new things and find out what they’re actually really going to love, what they’re good at, what interests them, and then encourage them to do those things and become interested in the thing that they’re interested in versus making your child become interested in the thing that you’re interested in.

One thing that’s interesting, our children became really interested in Spikeball maybe five years ago, six years ago, and that has just grown. And because we have so many older kids, we can always play because there’s always four people. It takes four people to play. Recently they joined this Boise, you know, tournament thing where and, you know, I went and watched one and I’m like, I think I’m just going to start joining. I haven’t actually done a tournament, but they meet every week to practice and things like that and just anybody that wants to play and I decided to join up. I’m the oldest guy there and I just love it and I get car rides with the kids. We’re hanging out and just quantity time one evening a week with my older kids and I’m exercising.

And it wasn’t something that we picked out that was like from our past because obviously Spikeball is like a new phenomenon in the last ten years or seven years or so. Yeah, but it was something that, like we thought, Oh, this will be a fun thing that we can take on the.

Trip and do it on the beach wherever we.

Are. And then they just got addicted to it and they love it and they because they do it so much, they got really good at it. But yeah, anyway.

They’re all still better than me. But I have a good time and I’m, I’m gaining on them. I always believe I’m gaining on them and I don’t know if I’ll catch them.

I will say though, the laughter like that is an aspect of deepening relationships with your kids is that you can enjoy company together, that you can do fun things together. Another thing you’ve done with the kids is go snowboarding with them, which is something you used to love doing, and it wasn’t something that I was ever into. I don’t snowboard. I have knee problems and all kinds of things. But you know what? God gave us many children and there are littles that are at home that are not snowboarding.

So I find a way I work extra on a couple days a week, and then one day I go snowboarding with them. I just find a way. I still get the hours of work done that needs to get done. But you know, we can be creative sometimes and find ways to do that. We’re do it on the weekends. So, so important to invest where their interests are and spend quantity time with them. Now, no, I don’t go off the jumps. They do and I’m a little slower and things like that. But I’ve always got young kids too. I’m training, so I don’t always.

That’s right. You know, another good question to ask is what are your kids interested in? And maybe you’re not interested in those things. I’m just going to bring up something that’s pretty common in society today among middle schoolers, maybe more so on the boys side. And that’s video games. This is a great conversation because, you know, if if you’re not wanting to join in with them, then you need to ask yourself a really good question. Why is that right? Whatever you’ve allowed for your child to participate in, you should be able to join in with them to a certain degree. Obviously, like, you know, physically, sometimes you have limitations and you can’t do the sport or whatever. Right? And I get that. But you can still go cheer them on and be interested in it and all those things and still spends quality time with them. But this is a this is a point where at the middle school age you need to go, okay, so what are their biggest interests? Have I encouraged this? Is this really something that I want them to continue doing later into life and recognize that a child’s play is really their practice for life? So if they’re doing something that you don’t want to see them spending like quantity time doing, why have you allowed that up to that point and and really going like, Hey, I want to do something with you? Like, what is something that we could do together, right? To maybe get them to be doing that thing a little bit less and find a new love, whether that’s mountain biking or I don’t know what, but that would be one way to lead out of a situation like that.

Yeah, I think sometimes we’re pointing to other people as the authority and they’re doing all the fun things with them, with other people, with other people, and we’re not doing enough in finding a way to do that. And sometimes that takes Reorientating So let’s go to move to point two, which is what needs to be recalibrated in our families, in our decisions, in our activities, influences and all these things, right? Influence is a big deal.

Oh, it’s a huge deal, especially at this age, right? Like I see more parents when I think about this age category, I think of kids going from elementary age to middle school age, right? Which is a transitionary time into high school, which is like young womanhood, young manhood. And and after high school, which is a very short period of time, it’s only four years. Then they’re like launching into adulthood. Okay. So really raising kids goes very quickly. And so if you find yourself with a ten year old, 11 year old, that’s like 12 year old that’s going towards middle school, you’re going to. Be in this position to go, okay, so this is the point where they need to start being able to make some decisions on their own and start getting their feet wet with making decisions on who they’re going to be friends with and things like that. And you can still direct and give guidance, but it goes back to like needing to have that deep relationship in order for your child to really like listen and want that advice and to be able to make wise decisions.

And a lot of that also has to do with where they are in their walk with God, which we’re going to talk about in a few minutes. But their influences are largely their peer influences at this age group. This is when kids are like really wanting and desiring to be liked. You could use the word popular if they’re a part of like a youth group, a middle school youth group, Sunday school class. If they’re a part of sports, if they’re a part of going to a school, even a hybrid, like there’s an element of social a pecking order, if you will, kind of like in a chicken coop, right? That happens within environments and your kids are going to over and over again. The more environments that they have, they’re going to go through this pecking order, if you will, and they’re going to desire to be liked. They’re going to desire popularity because that is a human nature desire, if we’re honest, like everybody wants to be liked. Nobody wants to be made fun of. Nobody wants to be disliked. That’s reality.

So the question is, is your child more of a leader or a follower in terms of standing firm in the faith, doing the right thing versus the slightly wrong thing or very wrong thing? Yes. Is do they go along to get along or are they willing to correct the direction and lead people around them in the right direction? And that is something you really have to audit. And you know what? I think a lot of children are not going to be quite yet that really super strong. No, absolutely. Always correcting the right direction, although praise God, maybe you have one of those children, but a lot in a lot of cases, it really takes a parent talking to them and coaching them and open communication about the situation. So even if they went along to get along, you know about it and you’re coaching them in a better direction too, which is really important.

You know, when I think about influences and encouraging kids to be leaders, if you will, because that’s what Isaac’s really talking about here. We don’t usually give book ideas or recommendations on the podcast very often, but one book that I’ve had all of my olders read, which was How to Win Friends and Influence People, which is a real classic longtime book. I think that this is the age category that is a good age to start talking about that because you can really take literally if you were to read one chapter at a time, like once a week, right, where you take your kid aside, maybe you go to a coffee shop and you read one chapter and then you discuss it together. They’re going to grow in this concept of being confident, in being able to influence people, and you want them to be prepared for when they are older and the temptations and the influences are going to be different. But in high school years, semi different, there’s still a whole lot that’s going on at this age category as well. But we need to understand that as parents we have to equip. We cannot just assume that, Oh, my child was always the one that was the natural leader. He’s the leader and just leave it at that. No, we need to do role playing with our kids. We need to say, Hey, has anyone ever asked you to take drugs? I want you to I want to make sure you know that there’s this thing. It looks like candy and it’s multicolored. It’s called fentanyl. And like, we need to equip them by having hard conversations or more.

Common is, has anybody shown you something not appropriate on their phone? Right. You know, these kinds of things and we have rules for that. One of our rules is we don’t look at each other’s phones. And I think that’s really important.

Like look at other people outside our family.

Outside our phones, you know, and because that gets that can go haywire really, really fast. So look at the influences. I had great idea, by the way, How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It’s a great business book, great for kids. It’s not spiritual. So there’s no scripture in it? No, no. But, you know, it would be really neat is to go through each chapter and then find one scripture that aligns with the chapter from the Bible. That would be really cool. So in fact, I might want to do that. Yeah, So, so media, you know, this is also a time when people children are, you know, getting phones a lot of times. Right.

Well, and that’s a conversation that you and your spouse need to have as well. You guys need to figure out like, are we going to do phones? What kind of phones, Gab phones, flip phones, texting only? What are the rules? Are we going to allow our kids to do social media? This is the age where like, okay, I’m just going to be honest. I know a lot of kids out there that use their parents social media and they’re way under 13 years of age. And there there is actually a law with like Instagram, at least I think maybe even Facebook that says they have to be at least 13 years old to be able to do that. Obviously, Google has laws on how old a kid can be to have an email and you can’t sign up for social media unless you have an email. So there’s like an element there where this is the age category is my point. Where you’re making those decisions and it’s better. Just take it from me. It’s better if you and your spouse talk about what your game plan is going to be for your kids regarding social media and phones and technology just in general, like are you going to have a computer out in the main area and people like only use the computer where there’s accountability because they’re in the main area? We did that for many, many, many, many years. And then, you know, there’s also ideas like with smaller technology, like iPads or things like that, where you can hook up texting on that kind of a device if your kid is going to be babysitting so that they have a way to communicate but they don’t have to have a phone.

I think most.

Importantly, regardless of devices, if they’re on devices, they know you’re going to look at it, you have access to it, and at any moment you’re going to grab it and look through it. And you actually do that. Sometimes it’s it can be forgotten. Also having.

Accountability.

But you got to do.

That. Yeah, having accountability set up is really important as well. Like their covenant eyes, there are many different services out there that help you to do filtration services. You can set up privacy settings and all kinds of protections on your devices. We’re not going to dive into a whole bunch of that stuff.

But but just.

Remember, the Josh McDowell studies show that usually kids have been exposed to pornography starting at age eight, nine and ten right in there. So, you know, this is we have to be proactive. It is a real deal. Things are worse than sometimes we feel they are in these areas. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but sin is rampant and the influence through media is huge. You guys know this, but just be vigilant and be trusting in the Lord to don’t be fear based, but trust the God. But we take action even though we’re not fear based, right? And we got to call them up and help them rise up above the noise, no matter what environment they’re in, There’s going to be potentially debauchery, there’s going to be sin, there’s going to be things like that. And you want your children to be consistently coached by you because they want your coaching and you’ve cultivated that. You can always start now with the things we’ve been telling you and you’re helping them rise up to lead people in a good direction. And so.

You know, on that topic of like developing a relationship, let’s just say somebody hasn’t really developed the relationship where coaching is a desired thing by the kid, or maybe they haven’t even had the conversation before, so they don’t know if it’s a desire of their child. Here’s a great couple. First, opening statements. If you were to take your child on like a little date for an hour and a half, can you find an hour and a half? I’m sure you and your spouse can find time for you to find an hour and a half to have a conversation with your 11 or 12 year old. Think about this. You sit down and you say, Honey, I just want you to know that I really want a deep relationship with you. I love you, and I want you to feel comfortable coming to me to talk about anything. And you’re not going to be in trouble. I want you to know that I, I, I want you to feel confident being able to ask me questions about things that you’ve been. Maybe you’ve heard a word. Maybe you’ve heard the word sex. Maybe you’ve heard about something else. And you have a lot of questions about it. I want you to always feel confident coming to to me and your dad or or, you know, if Isaac was having the conversation, me and your mom and being able to just open up that conversation where you are being really, really crystal clear with your kids about your desire for growth in your relationship and the way that you want it to go, that you want to be able.

I’m on your team like, imagine how a kid’s going to feel when they’re this age and maybe they’ve got some fears around going to middle school or starting a new youth group or whatever they’re doing, or maybe they’re doing a sport they’ve never done before and they’re going to be on a team by themselves, not with a friend. Or maybe they do have a friend going, but they still have some fear around that. That is all very natural. So for them to hear from a parent, I am on your team and I want what’s best for you and I want to help you. And so I want us to meet on a regular basis. How does once a month sound? So, you know, if I was to say, can you find an hour and a half to two hours once a month to spend time with your middle schooler? Wow. That actually makes it really doable. And to just sit down that first conversation and go, this is what I really feel God laying in my heart. God is given me this heart for you and our relationship because I love him and and I want to love you better. Imagine the impression that makes on your child and deepening that relationship. And then you can, over time, ask them questions about their friends and about things that maybe they’ve heard about. Bring up those tough conversations.

So in this recalibration, you want to know where they’re at spiritually, that you can make guesses. But really when you ask questions and you’re around them building that relationship, you find out more. You need to understand where their peer relationships are and influences and the good, the strengths and weaknesses of those you need to think about. The skills they’re developing transferable to the real world and going to help them down the road, Or does there need to be adjusted adjustments to that? Where do you need to call them up? Where do you need to build a deeper relationship? And finally, do they feel known and valuable? This is a season in their life where it is vital. They feel important. They feel like they contribute. They start to develop and understand some of their gifts, and you’re calling those out in them. They’re trying different things that are productive in finding things that they’re good at beyond what maybe even they thought they were good at. This is when you try many, many different things. And if you only have them going down one road on one sport, is that going to be highly transferable to their future? And that’s a challenge to really think about because there’s only so much time. And if one thing takes up all of the time, that can be cumbersome for maybe there’s four things that would take up the same amount of time in less of a disruption of some things. But now there’s a varied of skill set in importance and value and strengths in what they can do.

You know, it’s interesting too, because I think that I would be remiss if I didn’t bring up a very hard question is have you as a parent or has your child made an idol out of something, whether it’s a sport, video games? I have no there’s so many things out there that I could list. And this is the reason why this is such an important question is because if they’re spending all of their time thinking about it, meditating on it, worrying about it, practicing it, doing it, it’s like all consuming to them. And that’s not a healthy relationship with anything. And can I just say God is a jealous God. He doesn’t want us to have any idols in our life. And so this is the time, parents, where we need to look at our kids. We need to do that audit on them, on our family life and go, Have we made an idol out of anything? Do we need to exercise and challenge our child to let go and relinquish this idol by having them try other things? You know, guys, as you’re talking about your your child recalibration, one of the biggest thing is identifying your child’s weaknesses and strengths, doing that audit and then really pointing them towards things that are going to challenge them to grow.

That would be the things that they’re weaker in. Right. But then also challenging them in, hey, maybe they have a strength in something that they’ve never actually done anything to use that gift or that talent. Well, how can you point them towards doing something new at this age category where they’re like, that grows a child’s confidence immensely for them to be able to try something new that they are good at, that they can own and be like, Wow, God made me to do this and I’m doing a good job at this and to to build confidence. This is the time where we have got to rise up our child and like build them up, but also point them to the to Christ, which is what we’re going to talk about next. Discipleship. I mean, you’re going to audit like, have I been discipling my kid? And regardless of if you have or not, we have some really awesome ideas, tips and even some scriptures we’re going to rattle off for you.

We’re going to give you a.

Scripture list that you can give to your children and use with your children. That’ll be super.

Helpful or.

Even just have meetings and go over one of these scriptures at each meeting.

I’ll be real honest with you. It took me a while to figure out maybe it’s just me, figure out the word discipleship. I mean, I became a believer when I was 23, so I was never part of the youth programs and growing up a Christian and these kinds of things. But one of the things that was interesting discipleship when I was a new, newer believer as an adult was kind of like a big word. I don’t know why. It’s just like, okay, what does that program look like? Okay, I wonder what happens. Because I’d hear in churches there’s a discipleship program, there’s a discipleship event. There’s this thing over here that you can go to to be discipled. And it always felt weighty. It felt difficult and it felt big. Yeah. And I just want you to know that I think sometimes that vision, even in that word and sometimes you feel like, well, to disciple somebody, I have to be an complete expert of the word of God. I have to know it inside and out. And I just want to encourage you that if I had some of those beliefs and misunderstandings of the word discipleship, then maybe some of you do as parents. And I’m so glad I finally figured out that discipleship with when it comes to regards to children is an every day, small and large conversation occurrence of pointing them to Jesus in the little moments, the big moments and the difficult moments and all in between. It is the job of parents to love, protect and disciple. It’s one of the three disciple or children. Why? Because what’s the purpose in life? That we would glorify the father with our lives? So then what is the purpose of parenting? Is that we point them to God and we hope and pray and do all we can so that their lives glorify the Father when they launch. From our homes and before. So then what is discipleship then? It’s literally using the Bible when you’re correcting them, using the Bible, when you’re teaching them something.

Using the.

Bible, when you’re affirming them in something that you see and you’re pointing out, Oh, wow, you’re doing such. Like, say your kid is working out. And they’ve been faithful at working out on a regular basis. And, you know, this is a new thing for them, right? And you just want to encourage them and go, hey, you know what? You are treating your body like a holy temple. Good job. That is pleasing to God. Did you know that the Bible says that’s pleasing to God? And then you take in first Corinthians six, 19 through 20 that talks about they’re using their body as a holy temple and taking care of it. Like there are so many conversations that we can be having all throughout the day with our kids to be pointing them to the Lord and affirming things as well. And I think that especially at this age. But I but I really believe this is just about parenting in general. And we teach this in the very first live in the parenting mentor program, where we talk about the importance of having a biblical vocabulary when we’re disciplining, but also when we’re discipling and what that looks like. And we go through a whole bunch of scriptures. So join us for the next program.

And there’s a full.

One out of one of six sessions is all on discipleship and literally how to do that by age brackets of all the seasons of parenting. And it is very it’s really fun.

We go through like what did what was Jesus’s model of discipleship with the 12 disciples?

It was so good. You can.

Find out more about that at be courageous ministry.org or directly courageous Parenting.com.

But but let’s.

Talk about discipleship. So with your kids, when you have more than one child, obviously discipleship can happen where you’re doing family Bible time, right? And you’re reading the Bible to the kids and you’re discussing it and you’re asking questions and they’re asking questions and you’re praying together and you’re learning together. But it also happens on the one on one conversations like we just modeled for you in our recalibration audit thing where you go and you have a conversation with your child. Maybe you go on a walk with them, maybe it’s in the car on the way home from the sports activity and you stop to get ice cream or something and you just you communicate. You have that one on one conversation where they feel safe to ask the deeper questions that maybe they’re not going to ask in front of their younger siblings or their older siblings. Right. And that’s a good thing that they’re being, you know, aware of who’s hearing what. And but we have to make time and space for our kids to have that safe space, to be able to talk about those things. And then there’s the element of spiritual gifts and just seeing the talents that God’s given them.

The question for you is, have you ever read the scriptures that talk about spiritual gifts and talked about it a little bit with your children? Yeah. And maybe some of you are like, No, I mean, that’s what the pastor does at church sometimes that’s what they do over here. But no, the question is, have you read scripture that talks about spiritual gifts and discuss that? And then therefore, have you called spiritual gifts out in your children that you see? See, we’re that’s our job. That’s discipleship right there. Literally. Where in the Bible does it talk about spiritual gifts? Lots of places. You could just Google it. I mean, there’s many, many places that talk about spiritual gifts. They’re not actually all of the spiritual gifts are not listed in one specific passage. You can look around and then it says all the other things, too. So it is so important to be just to let’s simplify it for a second, read scripture, talk about it.

That’s as simple as it needs to get regarding discipleship, for sure. But there’s also this element of like, you know, we talked about auditing and the very last point was auditing the discipleship. And I think that one of the biggest questions is, do your kids read their Bible and do they pray? So not just with you like, do you read your Bible and pray with your children? That is a good question because that’s something that you can change today. That’s a change that you can make that’s going to reap a harvest. But when you’re asking an auditing like, Where is my child? Spiritual maturity? Have they owned their walk with the Lord? A good question is do they read their Bible on their own without me prompting them? Do they pray on their own without me prompting them? Do do they an or maybe is it maybe they are prompted by you, but do they feel comfortable praying? These are questions that we need to be really honest about and be patient with, because again, everybody’s on a different spiritual journey. But this should be like when I think of discipleship, I think of like knowing God and making him known. But I also like I go back to that Mark 12, which I want to share with you guys. Mark 12 This is where the disciples came to Jesus and they were asking him, The scribes came up and they heard them disputing with one another and seeing that he had answered them.

They asked him which commandment is the most important of all? So we’re in chapter 12, verse 28 through 31 here, and Jesus answered. He said, The most important commandment is what he’s talking about is Hear O Israel, the Lord, our God, the Lord is one, and You shall love the Lord Your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second. Is this You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these. So I oftentimes do hear people saying like, what is the the purpose of man to to know God and make him known? Well, why would we say that? To know someone has to be motivated by something, right? And if you’re motivated to know someone, it’s out of love. It’s always got to be out of love, which is the first commandment. And so loving our children. When I look at that verse and I think of like, how do I love my child? Well, if God is saying the first commandment is to love him with all our mind, with all our heart, with all our soul, and with all our strength, and to love our neighbor as ourself, we desire as humans to be known because we’re made in God’s image.

He’s a social being. We’re a social being, right? He’s the triune God. They’re 3 in 1. He is one God, but he wants to have fellowship with us. So much so that he sent His only begotten son to die for us so that we could be restored and in fellowship with him again. And that is huge, you guys. And so to teach our children that basic gospel that God wants us to love him and part of loving him with our whole mind is knowing him, part of loving him with our whole heart is trusting him, right? Like if you trust someone or not, sometimes it’s a matter of your mind, but usually it’s a matter of the heart. And like, we could go into so many aspects of your your walk with God that we could evaluate with your kids just based upon this scripture. Like to love your children. You want to love them with your time. You want to love them with your attention, with your eye contact. You want to love them by being interested in what they’re interested in and knowing them. That’s what God desires of us to invest in a real relationship with him.

That’s what having relationship is. And if we want to have relationship with our kids, we need to make those same kinds of investments with our children and teach them through our example of pursuing them and having a relationship with them. What it looks like to have a relationship with God that is discipleship at the most foundational level. And so if we if we don’t do it in our relationship with them, they’re not going to know what it looks like to have real relationships with anybody on Earth, let alone God. So we start with relationship with them and then we go, then we model it. We model relationship with God by having our Bibles out, not having to have the perfect quiet time where we’re getting up two hours before the kids. But and if you do that, that’s great, but you got to make sure that you’re having your Bible out in front of your kids, that you’re wanting to learn that they see you as someone that wants to learn about the Lord. They see you worshiping, they see you praying, they see you being faithful and going to church. Like modeling this desire to have relationship with God, to worship him, to know him, to make him known that if they see that in your life, that is part of discipleship.

Yeah. And if they don’t see you being transparent with others, it might be hard for your kids to be transparent with you. We need a model this stuff out and your children can read the Bible on their own. Do they pray on their own? Do they are they cultivating a relationship with God? And how is that relationship going? Do you remind them of these things? It’s so important. And sometimes, again, we can have some fear around discipling our children, like not feeling capable, not feeling good enough, not feeling like an expert enough, and these kinds of things. But that’s not the spirit that God gives us in Second Timothy one seven. Here’s what He gives us right here. It says, For God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control. And so we’re not to fear anything in this world. So if we start, it is a human reaction feeling sometimes. So when we have that, we need to push that out with faith and confidence in God and ask God, would you use me with my children? Because you know what? You saying something with less eloquence than the professional is going to be more powerful because your dad. That’s right. Because your mom because God intended it to be that way. Other influences are fantastic if they’re good, right? But you are the most important influence.

And those.

Others should be additive, not the main thing that the kids are getting. So let’s talk about what are some of the issues that kids struggle with in this age category. We picked out a few verses that we wanted you guys to be able to jot down if you are driving and listening or on a walk and listening or your hands are busy because you’re cleaning or full of babies, you guys can always go to be courageous ministry.org, find the podcast in the show notes and it’s going to have all these verses listed. We’re just going to rattle them off and kind of give you like a couple words that will give you an idea of what that scripture covers. So when you go through the audit and you you’re really transparent, you go, okay, so I can identify that my child is struggling with fear. For example, maybe they’re fearful that verse that Isaac just read in second Timothy one seven is perfect for them. Maybe they’re struggling with having self control. That again, that verse is another good verse. For you to share with them. But these would be like good versus slash sections of scripture that you could read with on your kids on a on a date on the way to dropping them off at the sporting event or whatever it is, and have a conversation about it.

So I’ll just start. The first one that I already shared with you guys is Body is a Holy Temple. This is the age category where kids are challenged with modesty issues, temptation for pornography, wanting to gain attention and approval, wanting to dress trendy, looking at what other people are allowed to do. Maybe there’s some arguing that’s happened in your relationship with your your teenager where they’re like, Well, so-and-so’s mom lets them wear these shorts and they’re super short, but why do I have to wear shorts that are longer? Right? So going to first Corinthians six, 19 through 20 and really diving into like, what is God called us to, You’re living under my roof. I have a conviction that we need to be more careful about this, maybe making them aware of the the reality of society today that there are people who are tempted to look at them and to gaze at them and to lust after them.

That’s a whole topic. It is. So let’s go through it.

Yes, but so just you guys, you could use these scriptures for many things as the point.

So then we have first John one nine talks about forgiveness. So, so important and then yeah.

And then second Corinthians 517 you are a new creation.

John 112 You are a child of God. Identity in Christ, right?

Romans 15 seven You are accepted in this time when kids are wanting to be accepted. This is something they should be meditating.

Romans 12 two Do not be conformed to this world. It’s such a good scripture because there’s a constant pressure to be conformed from peer influences in other ways.

Obviously, Ephesians six, we need to be praying this over our kids on a daily basis. It’s the armor of God scripture, but this would be a good one for them to also remember and to be meditating on too.

In Philippians 413, Christ strengthens us to not just operate in our own strength, but to really rest.

On the Lord and.

That they don’t have to do it by themselves, right? And then if you are putting your kids in other environments where maybe you’re not there reminding them that they are an ambassador for Christ, if they have accepted Jesus, Second Corinthians 520 is a huge one for being an ambassador and that they would understand that when we call ourselves Christians and we act certain ways, we brand Jesus a certain way. And so we need to be aware of how we’re acting and what we’re doing, what we’re laughing at, all those kinds of things.

I think in this age range, it’s when we need to be in the trenches, deep in the trenches with our children and really understanding where their hearts are and tending to their hearts. It’s so important. And that’s why we spend a whole hour in the parenting program on the heart to it. All of this stuff is so essential. You’re in the game time. I would say in the middle school years, a lot of what you’re doing right now really dictates the path going forward and the things and the influences they have and all these things and the skills and the confidence they build or the depression they embrace.

Yeah, I mean, they’re really tempted with a lot of things like depression in this age category for sure. And so, you know, really ultimately this is the thing. Your kids need Jesus. And they’re if they’re not experiencing the power of the Holy Spirit in their life, guiding them, convicting them, helping them, strengthening them, guarding them, helping them to protect themselves, if they’re not experiencing that, like discipleship has got to be our main focus as parents and constantly bringing things back to the word. But from a heart of I love you, I’m on your team, I want to help you. And can I just also say that if you’re talking about the Bible a lot with your kids, sometimes kids can get overwhelmed, especially at this age, and feeling like maybe there’s this expectation that they’re perfect. And so really digging into Romans Chapter eight with them and reading through that chapter with them so that they understand the difference between walking in the flesh and walking in the spirit and that it doesn’t mean they’re going to be perfect. It just means that they’re going to be honest when they are struggling and they’re going to confess when they sin and they’re going to allow God to forgive them, they’re going to receive that forgiveness and that that’s huge in these kids lives. Right? Otherwise, what’s going to happen? What do you see with people when they’re in sin? They hide. And you don’t want a relationship with your kids hiding from you or they’re pretending or they’re they’re trying to strive for perfection on the outside. But on the inside, they’re just dying. And we don’t want that for you guys either. So I hope today’s podcast was super encouraging and if you didn’t know yet, we’re actually going to jump into the app here and do a little seven minute little live where we’re going to talk a little bit more about things that we wish we would have said in today’s.

Podcast and answer.

Your questions. So join us in the Be Courageous app and thanks for joining this episode.

Hey, thanks for listening and being a part of the 10 Million Legacies movement. Go to be courageous ministry org for more biblically based resources. Ways to switch where you spend your money that support the mission and information about the incredible be courageous app community.

For believers.

Also, we wanted to quickly tell you about our six week online parenting mentor program.

Isaac and I created a powerful biblical curriculum. Here’s how it works. Each week we release a video session with a downloadable parenting packet to make it easy for you to incorporate those teachings directly into your parenting.

This is an incredible self-paced program. We cover everything from tending to their hearts, handling obedience to overcoming mistakes most Christians are making. But more than that, it’s a supportive community. You’ll have access to our private group and the Be Courageous app, live webcasts and direct access to us.

If you’re interested in joining our next online parenting mentor program, secure your spot now at Be courageous ministries org. That’s be courageous ministry.org.