“Giving & Receiving Parenting Feedback”

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Episode Summary

Both giving and receiving feedback about each other’s kids can be challenging, but it doesn’t have to be, and frankly shouldn’t be.

We all have blind spots in our parenting at times and when others see them, don’t we want them to tell us? Often it doesn’t play out so well in relationships so we become accustomed to just not saying anything at all, even if we believe it could be helpful to a friend. We need to get over this hurdle and it takes some important considerations as the sender and as the receiver of feedback. Tune in to get valuable insights into how to do this well and run the race in a stronger way together.

Main Points in This Episode:

  1. Assume virtue in each other.
  2. Desire feedback from those you are running the race with.
  3. Take off the rose-tinted glasses about your kids.
  4. Strategies to give feedback so it’s well-received.
  5. Wisdom on receiving feedback well.

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Scripture in This Episode:

1 Thessalonians 5:11 – “Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do.”

Ephesians 4:29 – “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”

Proverbs 15:31-33 – The ear that heareth the reproof of life abideth among the wise. He that refuseth instruction despiseth his own soul: but he that heareth reproof getteth understanding. The fear of the Lord is the instruction of wisdom; and before honour is humility.”

Matthew 7:1-5 –For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye. Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.”

1 Corinthians 15:33 – “Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners.”

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Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

Welcome to Courageous Parenting podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Hi, I’m Angie from courageous

Mom and I’m Isaac from Resolute Man.

We’ve been married for twenty one years and have seen the fruit from raising our eight kids biblically. Based on the raw truth found in the

Bible, we can no longer let the culture win the hearts of children. Too many children from Christian families are walking away from their faith by age 18, and it doesn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t be this way. Join us as we start an important conversation about effective parenting and the fall. Hello, everybody. I thought I’d change the intro, but anyways, we’re so happy to have you guys here for the podcast. Giving and receiving parenting feedback Perhaps one of the most tender episode topics that we’ve done. I think it’s vital we’ve gotten feedback that this is an important one to do, and I can see why. Just looking back over on lives and marriage and parenting, that is a topic that is sensitive to people.

Well, let’s just talk about what that title actually means for a second giving and receiving parenting feedback. That would mean that you potentially have had observations of bad behavior or sinful behavior or sinful heart attitudes that you have witnessed in maybe your friends, kids or maybe nieces and nephews or or potentially your kids have also noticed these things as they’ve been hanging out with some of their friends and they’ve shared it with you, and you are questioning if you can actually have the courage to confront the parents of that child and give parenting feedback.

Or maybe you remember a time where somebody gave you feedback and it was very difficult to receive it. So I think everybody can admit that that’s probably happened before. It’s humbling. It is humbling. Yeah, but so we’re going to dive in and we’re going to keep this one as short as we can. Although there’s six scriptures this time because it’s all very important, right? Honey, that’s you’re right. They’re very important. So we’re going to see how long this one takes.

Guys, I’m not laughing at the scripture. I’m laughing because if you would have seen us about 10 minutes before we pushed record on this podcast, this is a little behind the scenes of Isaac and Angie. We were laughing because Isaac was like, We gotta keep it short. And I was like, We need this scripture.

And she says, it’s a special episode, and

I go, It is a special episode

Long episode with six

Scriptures. I hope it’s not special. Ok, let’s dive in.

Ok, so first of all, thank you for being part of the one million legacies movement. We’re so excited to be part of it. We feel blessed that we can work full time to bring the podcast episodes and all the related aspects to the ministry, which there’s growing responsibilities to do. It’s I’m trying to figure out how do we get all this stuff done sometimes? And but it’s fruitful and we love it and we love being part of it with you. We really feel like we’re on a race together, and that’s fun. So every time you share on social media, I know you’re raising your hand. We know you’re raising your hand. I’m part of this every time you give us reviews. If you’re in the app and you give us a five star app review, that is huge because it helps people see the app helps people in Apple and Google. See the podcast when you do that, written reviews and we read every single one and often we’ll post about them.

That’s right. I don’t know if you guys knew this, but Isaac and I do monthly Q&A for an hour in the app in the community section, which has been really fruitful, really fun. It’s been a great way for us to also see what other podcast topics we should be covering because we’re able to really get a spiritual thermometer on what are the issues that are relevant today to parents that they need us to share on hundreds.

So politically minded parents in the app spurring each other on. I think the last time I looked in the last 24 hours, there was two hundred and sixty six people active just in the last twenty four hours. So that’s pretty

Cool, meaning that they were posting or commenting,

Yeah, active in some way in the last twenty four hours. Yeah, that is incredible because I think there’s like 500 or so people in there so far just launched a month and half ago, two months ago. So anyways, we’re thrilled. It’s pretty exciting. I’d love to have you in there, and if you have questions about it, you can message us anyways, let’s dive into this. The first point we have for you guys is something we’ve said many times to our kids and to others or something I’ve said in the business world, which is to assume virtue. And our kids know what that means, yeah. And that is talk about aspect of assuming the best, even when something challenging happens. Still, assuming the best and the other person, I think this is incredibly important because the spirit at which we give feedback to somebody or the spirit of which we receive feedback from somebody really depends on are we assuming virtue or not in other person? Mm hmm.

And it happens a lot throughout your day, like even just not just with your kids, not just with this topic. We’re talking about giving and receiving feedback, parenting feedback to maybe your friends or to your siblings who also have kids, right? But in your marriage, think about Do you assume virtue in your kids? Do you assume virtue in your marriage? This particular point, it could be applied to every relationship. And I think that it’s also important as well regarding how you interact with people on social media, just assuming virtue in them versus judging inaccurately someone’s heart space of where they’re coming at from a different perspective. So it’s a good thing to put into practice on a regular basis.

It is, we want to assume the best. And what is our natural? Our carnal minds or humanness comes out sometimes. And what do we do? We assume the worst. We assume the worst intentions of someone giving us feedback, or we assume the worst about someone else when we see something in their kids that can happen. I’m not saying we all do that. I’m just saying that is a natural tendency. We need to fight off by feeling ourselves with biblical truth, being in the word and having the Holy Spirit active in us as we’re communicating with other people.

I think that, you know, I even just think about the definition of love, which we’re not covering that scripture today. It’s in First Corinthians 13 if you want to go and look at it. But you know, love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not keep a record of wrongs. All these different what love is not and then what love is and doesn’t love assume virtue. I think love assumes virtue. So if you have love as your foundation, if you have wanting to walk in love, which is what God commands us to as Christ’s followers and what our relationships with our friends should be built on, then we would be assuming virtue in our friends and in our friends, kids and all people, really.

And after all, no kids are perfect. No matter how good someone’s parenting is, no kids are perfect. But does that mean we just. Don’t pay attention to something that we see, no, we should and we should all embrace that. But we should also understand that if no kids are perfect, that means my own kids aren’t perfect either.

Hey, I mean, I just even dealt with this a few weeks ago. Just you know where your kids sometimes say things and they they they keep their heart might even be right and they may be truly confused or something like that, right? But just teaching them to have a filter over their mouth and to think before they speak, for example. And so I had to have that conversation with one of our kids pretty in depth because I could tell that what he was saying, even though he didn’t mean to unknowingly, he was hurting another kid’s feelings. And so, and this is us, you guys. So, you know, I’m just sharing transparently of a reality to maybe get you thinking, Oh yeah, I have to do that. Oh, yeah, my kids aren’t perfect.

Well, they’re learning how to be social. They’re learning sometimes depending on they’re wired. Some are more aware of the social challenges they bring to the conversation, and some are less aware of that. So depending on their and they need us to train them now, we should expect the best but honest about reality, and usually those don’t go together. There’s a big Christian movement out there and expecting the best and leaving it at that. And you know what? We are called to exhort one another. We are called to encourage with truth one another.

I mean, the Bible says to spur one another on to good works, right? And what are good works? Well, parenting is a good work, and part of proactive parenting is actually holding your kids accountable and teaching them and even just correcting their wrong thinking, correcting the way that they say things, maybe correcting their body language language. And when I say correcting. I mean, like pointing out to them, like saying, Hey, the way you’re doing this isn’t good. Have you thought, what’s another way you could have done that? Or do you realize that the way you’re standing with your arms crossed your hands on your hips, maybe is making other people feel a certain way? How can you be more aware of how you’re standing? Like, There’s parenting is a good thing and we need to be exhorted to actually be proactive in our parenting and having these conversations with our kids on the little things, but also in the big things, right? Yeah. But a lot of times parents on the big things like big topics, they get so scared that they’re going to like, hurt the relationship with their kid or that they’re wrong for thinking a certain way because society is even confused parents that they are wishy washy.

So courageous parenting courageous is

Courageous religion

Podcast courageous marriage, courageous living. We are to live courageously. The Bible tells us to do that in first Thessalonians five 11, it says. Therefore, encourage one another and build one another up. Just as you were doing that. Encourage right there sometimes is fanning flames and being complimentary of what somebody is doing. And sometimes I know, Andrew, you’ve done a study on the word encourage.

Sometimes it’s and well, and sometimes it’s actually putting courage in another person to stand up for what’s right or what’s wrong. But it’s also correcting someone so that they can walk blameless or a better life, right? I think it was John MacArthur that actually he has a book on encouragement that is fantastic. And he in there he talks about how a lot of times people think that encouragement means to build somebody up to where they feel good about themselves, like they’re encouraged and they feel good. But in reality, the biblical encouragement is that you’re actually correcting things that are errors in their life so that they can live better. And yeah, you’re right. I have done a deep study on this and on the word exhortation, which is actually in the New Testament over 50 times. And so if it’s in the Bible that many times, then I think it’s something that God actually wants us to practice. And exhortation is one of the gifts of the spirit also that’s mentioned in First Corinthians Chapter 12. It’s a spiritual gift, the gift of exhortation, which is a form of actually reproof and rebuke like they’re going to people and they’re exhorting them and telling them, I don’t want you to live this way anymore or what you’re thinking is wrong. It’s actually this is a

Really loving people. If we see something that’s hurting their legacy and we don’t say anything about it, is that really loving people? Or are you loving yourself because you’re preserving yourself so that you don’t have potential conflict? Is a really loving someone else? Or is it loving yourself? Because now I don’t have to be courageous?

It’s a hard question. It’s a really hard question for people today because I. Think that we all want wisdom and want we want to assume virtue. So we want to be careful to not be like looking at every single thing that potentially would need to be corrected, right? You’ve got to pick your battles just like you do with your kids, just like you do in marriage and you don’t want to be like a nagging faucet, even to your friend or your neighbor.

And and right here in Ephesians, it gives you an idea of how we should do this in four. Twenty nine says let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths. But only such as is good for building up as fits the occasions. We have to be discerning about the occasion that it may give grace to those who hear it doesn’t mean we’re Pollyanna and just keep at the surface in our relationships. It means that the heart of the words we’re using and the words we choose are the purpose behind the motivation is to uplift right to help them. Launch confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

So, you know, if you if that’s truly your desire that you want people to launch confident, courageous Christian kids into an uncertain world and you see their kids walking and sin, one of the ways that you can be gracious in how you approach a conversation is to be humble in your approach, recognizing that you’re not a perfect parent. Maybe even using an example of where you have dealt with this yourself with a child without throwing your child under the bus. Right? And I think that that’s a really important aspect of communication with other people is that they know that like, hey, you don’t want to have to bring this up, but that you care about them. So you need to start there with like caring about the the child that you’re coming to them about. And then, you know, after you’ve discerned the actual situation, the timing on it, you come to them with the situation you share, maybe how you’ve struggled with certain aspects of your parenting and you remind them that, hey. God is a grace giving God, and we’ve all made mistakes,

And I think asking permission to if this is the first time you’ve done it. Oh yeah, sure, there you go. Hey, maybe explain the desire for your relationship. I want to have the kind of relationship where we can speak honestly with each other about things.

That’s our second point,

And that’s our second point, which is to desire feedback, so to speak, honestly. And so there’s something that I noticed that I’ve also seen in my own family at times, but I wanted to talk about it. Are you cool with that? And then they’re going to say, you’re kind of asking for permission. And this is this is a leadership skill, by the way, even if someone doesn’t really who wants criticism or feedback, you know,

Only wise people

Wise people do, but everybody wants it. But in the moment we have that feeling inside or what are they going to tell me? Yeah, right. So but when you prep them and you tell them that and then they say yes, back to you, there is something transformational that happens when someone says yes, back to you, even though they’re tepidly even saying yes, back to you. It opens receptiveness like you wouldn’t believe, and it’s showing a heart of humility, especially if that’s true that you’ve struggled with this thing

And then you’re not giving unsolicited advice, if you will. Or like when you ask when you start out by asking permission, Hey, you know, I’ve noticed that our kids are not really getting along right now. And there’s something I’d like to talk to you about it. Are you cool with that? Like, yeah, just being really honest about it or I notice every time we get together, there seems to be an issue between this child and this child. I was hoping that you and I could talk about that and maybe put our brains together.

And that’s not the setup of that is not one sided. It’s a recognition that there’s too my kid and your kid that aren’t getting along. So we should to the second point here. We all need to desire feedback. Do you desire feedback from people you know? And if you don’t, I want to ask you a question. What kind of friendships do you want? Do you want the kind of friendships where somebody sees something, but they’re too scared to talk to you about it? So they only think about it and talk to their spouse about it? Probably, but never talk to you about it and you keep on going being friends. Is that what you really want or do you want to be the kind of person that embraces feedback and people know that? Mm hmm. So that they actually talk to you about things they see and then you can have a healthy discussion about it. And which way do you think is going to build a deeper friendship?

And the reality is, is that when you’re walking in like real friendship with people and I’m talking about biblical friendship or real friendship where you’re spending time together, you’re letting one another into your lives. You’re not just the type of people that only meet for coffee outside of your homes, but you’re like in each other’s homes to where you’re able to see like, Oh, this person is living out their biblical jurisdictions. Oh, this person struggling in this area, like, are you open? Is your life transparent and vulnerable? And if you’re the type of person that hides and only meets people on level playing fields, if you will like, meaning you only see people when you’re picking your kids up from youth group at the church building. Or are you the type of person that has people in your home often, right? And that’s that’s a hard question, but it’s an important one because this actually is a symptom of if you’re the type of person that is the type of friend who is going to want real relationships that are going to actually sharpen you as iron sharpens iron where people are able to speak into your life because they see your life. Mm hmm. Ok. And so you really need to ask some hard questions, but I want to share with you guys from Proverbs Chapter 15 verse thirty one thousand thirty three, it says the ear that listens to life giving reproof will dwell among the wise. Whoever ignores instruction despises himself, but he who listens to reproof, gains intelligence. The fear of the Lord is the instruction in wisdom and humility comes before honor.

A lot of times, insecurities within us prevent us from actually showing people we want feedback. We’re so concerned and fragile inside, sometimes to actually. We don’t want someone to tell us, and sometimes you can even feel it right that someone might think something and they don’t tell you. And then you wonder, and you’re just in your head about it. That’s not assuming virtue. You don’t actually know what they’re thinking if they didn’t tell you. And we shouldn’t assume the worst and you want to have if you’re if you’re insecure about something, it means that you need to take action on something. Your relationship with God might be the first and foremost thing. It might be new implementation of sound parenting practices or, you know, teaching your kids the

Bible or just even consistent

Follow through or something like that. Taking action when it’s uncomfortable and you’re not doing it and you know, and you feel guilty. Well, you know what? Those insecurities are going to hurt your relationships with other people because they can tell you’re fragile or don’t want feedback and you don’t want to be that way. You don’t want to be that way, right? So it’s important this goes for men, too, by the way, big time. This is not just a female issue.

No, I mean, there shouldn’t be just females talking to other females about issues that they’re seeing between the kids. Dads need to be involved and they need to be aware of what’s going on in the hearts of their children and the behaviors of their children. And so if that’s not happening, maybe this this conversation is actually first for your marriage. Are you good at receiving and giving parenting feedback to your spouse? You guys need to be on the same page. You clearly can’t do this with friends if you aren’t doing it first in your home, which is your first jurisdiction, that’s where you get a productive practice. It’s where you will get social socialization, if you will, right? Like, seriously, if you haven’t had practice with the person that is supposed to be committed to you to love you no matter what, not keeping a record of wrongs and you can’t have these basic conversations about behavior or offenses within your marriage or within your own family. That’s where practice becomes. It becomes not perfected, but you make progress so that you can use it in your relationships outside your home. And then you’re not fumbling in these relationships and having to constantly be apologizing for not being able to communicate about fights among children to one of their parents.

And remember, we’re all better at different things, and you might be looking at your strengths too highly and not aware of where you’re weak or where someone else’s strengths are different. So if we’re looking at where you have an opinion about something that needs to be improved somewhere, let’s also this is about the first point assuming virtue. Where are their strengths, though, right? And I hope you bring those up in conversation because that’s also part of encouraging.

So one of the things I think in conversations we’ve talked about the importance of assuming virtue. Also, one thing we didn’t talk about that I think is super important. Before you approach, somebody is recognizing that another child’s sin is not reflective of that parent. Always. Yeah. Now, sometimes parents might not discipline certain sins, in which case those sins become rooted. It’s like a weed that continues growing. It becomes a big issue, right? And in which case I think that parents need to take accountability for that. They’re going to be held accountable before God, for sure. We all will for our parenting. But the reality is, is that a kid’s sin is not their parent’s sin. And so recognizing that I’ve actually actually confronted a mom on an issue before and brought that up at the very beginning, like, hey, just because I’m bringing this up doesn’t mean that I think you’re a bad parent. I don’t think that this is your sin. Like, I get that kids don’t need to be taught sin. It’s in our humanity. And so

But I thought, you’d want

To know this, but I thought you would want to know this just because we all have blind spots. I am not omniscient and omnipresent and able to be everywhere and see all things at all times. Only God can do that, and I know you can’t do that either. And so if I have your child at my home and I see something and I don’t say it to you when you’re not there, that’s not loving like I would want you to tell me, right? And so having that kind of conversation where you like, get what your expectations are with your friends regarding like friendships and your kids and giving permission. That is another thing that we talked about briefly. But part of that is like, how is your friendship set up? I have been more blessed by the friendships that were started out on a strong foundation where there was this Hey, if you ever see me in sin, like being disrespectful to my husband when we’re all hanging out, or if you ever see me like correcting my kid inappropriately or embarrassing them, or if you ever have anything that you see, I could be better at, would you come and tell me, see how I just started out, that friendship giving permission to that person? Now, Isaac is like, Oh, the bus, and you don’t wanna do that with everybody, right? And so you definitely want to use wisdom and who you’re giving that permission to and make sure that you’re choosing wise people to have around you at that close level. That’s like if you’ve listened to our conversation and podcast where we’ve talked about teaching your kids about different types of friends like these are the friendship circle, not the Friendly’s, not the frenemies, just like your close knit.

There’s some really wild parenting strategies out there that are not biblical, and if you’re saying that to somebody with a completely different paradigm. The way they view everything,

A different world view even

Then, that’s very that’s very challenging. Although I overall, in a general statement, we should desire feedback and this brings up another from from from a lot of people. But this brings up another point. What if somebody is giving you feedback and you know that they struggle with the very same thing?

Ok, so we have a scripture for that. We’re going to jump into Matthew Chapter seven. This is a really important scripture. I would say that obviously all of these are being humble, and Proverbs 15 that we just covered is important, but this is one that I would encourage you guys to read. Specifically, I have gone through this with many people because it’s one that we can’t forget. There is a lie in the church today that Christians aren’t ever to judge. That is a lie. The and we’re going to cover this in just a second when we go to First Corinthians. So have your Bibles ready, but this passage of scripture is more about being introspective before you go to someone. It’s more about that than it is about not judging, and everybody tends to focus on this first part and not read the rest. So this is the part they like to say, Judge, not that you be not judged. Ok. Can I just say something? Most people don’t want to be judged. Are we going to be judged? What does the Bible say? Yeah, we are all going to be judged, and those of us who are teachers are going to be judged at a higher strictness or harshness, depending on which translation you’re reading.

That’s James three one. But Judge, not that you be not judged. A lot of people don’t want to be judged. So that’s why they are saying, Oh, don’t judge. Right? But the reality is, it says in verse two for with the judgment you pronounce, you will be judged. And with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? This is talking specifically about hypocrites here. We need to be careful not to be hypocritical. Or how can you say to your brother, let me take the speck out of your eye when there is a log in your own eye? You hypocrite. First, take the log out of your own eye and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. Listen, this is surgery. Like, if this is not like literal context, this is about confronting people with sin. Ok, but there is an element of surgery, if you will, spiritual surgery that you’re doing here. If you coming to someone and you’re shining a light. The Bible says in First John that that darkness cannot exist in the light. When we shine the light on sin, god is glorified because sin is exposed and it can no longer have a hold on us.

Go read all of first, John. It’s amazing, but you guys this when you point out a sin and somebody else’s life, you are shining the light. You are shining Jesus light. The truth that he doesn’t want us to be living in darkness. He doesn’t want us living in sin. He doesn’t want sin. Separates us from God. Does God want to separate it from him? No. If you love your brother or sister, do you want them separated from God? No. If you love your brother or sister’s child and you want them to have a strong, honest relationship with Jesus Christ, do you want them to make a habit out of the sin that you see in their life? No, you want them to be set free. You want them to walk in the power of the Holy Spirit. So the truth is is that the very first thing you do before you even go to a person is you have to look at yourself because you cannot help someone remove the speck out of their eye if you are blind because you have a log in your own, I think which is

Surgically which is our next point, which is we must look at the rose tinted glasses we might be wearing. What that means is and we have to take them off, that’s what she’s talking about right now. And when you take them off, we don’t often realize we have them on their blind spots. We view things better than they actually are within our family. All these things, we have ideals about what things will be. But the reality of the real culture, the real behaviors in your family are not as good as what we think they are. And so we have to pull those off. Before we go and share with someone else, it doesn’t mean we don’t share, even if we’re having the same issue. It just means we need to be humble about our own issues if we’re going to talk to someone else and maybe it’s becomes a conversation about helping each other, right?

And this is part of like, where is your heart? Where’s your heart attitude in this? What is your heart motives? Ok, like man, can’t judge heart motives. Only God can see that right. The Bible also says in the Old Testament that man sees only outward appearance, but God sees the heart. And so we want to be careful not to judge heart motives. We want to be careful not to be judging people’s salvation, but we are to judge behavior and sin with the purpose of restoration with the that. That should be our motivation. That should be our goal is that people are restored to Jesus Christ. And so when we’re when we’re encouraging you guys in being humble and taking the rose tinted glasses off and being honest, this can become a part of your conversation with people that you when you approach them, you have a humble heart and you are able to say, Hey, I get it. Parenting is hard. I struggle myself with X, Y and Z, which is maybe something completely different than what you are even bringing to them. And that’s OK. But do you see how that’s much more humble and they will open up and be more receptive to hear from you. If you’re not a know it all that’s coming down to pounce on them and correct them and be like, You’re doing or your kids doing

So, I think we need to be more proactive in our relationships. We need to set things up as angels talked about and establish that we want feedback from one another that we know that we’re not perfect, then we’re not coming from a self-righteous point of view and the receiver is listening with instead of just looking at what’s wrong with the person giving the message listening for what might actually exist, regardless of who’s telling me that because if they saw something, I want to know about it, right? And that’s important. And right here, this is the backup that the judging believers that you were talking about, which is the first Corinthians five, 12 four, what have I to do with judging outsiders question mark right there? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge God judges those outside purge the evil person from among you? What God really cares about the bride of Christ. He cares about his church. He does not want evil people in the body of church. He wants people to be transformed and brought into the church to be disabled. So but but what this is talking about is the believers, the people who believe we are to make judgments about. We’re not to judge each other’s salvation and things like that. Who are we to know? Only God knows, but we are to make judgments out of wisdom about influences

Around, like, we’ve had this conversation so many times, like people want to raise confident Christian kids for an uncertain world. Are we going to launch our kids into an uncertain world and not have taught them how to make good judgment calls in the choices that they make regarding spouses and friends and jobs? And if they should go to that coworker hang out after work or not, like they have to actually judge and discern, is this righteous like and not from a self-righteous spirit that’s very different than righteousness. God calls us to walk in righteousness, he says. Be holy because I’m holy. He wants us to live in righteousness. Righteousness is rightful living. If you know the difference between right and wrong in a certain path and you choose to live rightly, you should not be condemned for that. And nor should you condemn other parents who are choosing to raise their kids to live. Rightly, you should applaud them and encourage them and exhort them and fan their flames. And you need them doing that to you as well. But this is coming from a place of do we as parents have teachable hearts. Are we willing to hear from other people? Or are we just going to put up our fences, get offended and not take it in and then make it a bigger deal and turn it around on someone else? I have to tell you, like I have been around the block for a day or two. I’m in my 40s and I have had friends on both sides of the fence regarding their teachable hearts.

And if they’re willing to be the type of people that can be receptive when confronted and the people who constantly manipulate and blame, shift and turn things around on, you are not the type of people that you want to be in walking close fellowship with. That’s actually a huge red flag. Ok. And so that also insane that I want to say, Hey, take a moment and ask yourself if you’re that type of person, do you? You blame shift. Make excuses for why you’re not going to listen to the exhortation or the rebuke that you got from a sister because you are hardened in your heart, not willing to hear the truth or from a brother, so right. And so this is an important thing. Like, do we do any of us have a self righteous spirit that is something only you and God can know, and you have to go before the Lord and and evaluate it. But on this topic about confronting other parents regarding kids, this is an important thing because you as a parent have to judge and discern, especially when your kids are little. Am I going to allow this child that I see being disrespectful to their parent and disobeying every rule I have in my home? Am I going to invite them over again to play with my kids or not? Are they a good influence or a bad influence on my kids? It is your job to judge that, and we have to.

We should go the extra mile to try and help and to make it work out because we’re being open and transparent and talking about things, and you will find out quickly if someone’s receptive or not. If you’re coming with a humble heart and you should also receive when someone gives it to you because that should the whole goal of this actually is real relationship. And let me ask you what happens in your church? How does this work out? How does this play out? How does your pastor talk about this? How does the pastor’s wife initiate culture in this amongst the women? How does this happen in your church? Is this exemplified by the leaders in your church, by the elders?

Now that being said, like the elders and the elders, wives and the pastors and the pastor’s wives, like they don’t have a duty by the the hierarchical of the church to actually be the ones that are like creating the culture? Sure. Ok. I just want to mention that because we have a lot of pastors wives. But can I just say, though, if you’re choosing to go to a church, you are putting yourself into submission to the spiritual authority that runs the church, and you should be able to look at the pastor and his wife and their marriage and go. They have. They have a biblical marriage. I want a marriage like theirs. You should be able to look at their family and go. They are pursuing a biblical family. I want a family like theirs. They’re not perfect. I can have grace with them, but I respect them and I respect the way that they are running their family. Because Bible’s very clear that an elder is not qualified to be running a church if he can’t manage his own household.

So. But what is being taught and what is the culture being stirred up amongst people to walk with each other? Right? And what are you doing to be the answer to improve that where you are? Of people walking in close fellowship with one another, willing to help each other with each other’s kids? Because when we see things, we talk about it and we spur each other on. And there’s not this self-righteous judgment happening amongst people, but a helpful spirit of awareness and helping each other where your strengths are and someone else’s weaknesses are and their weakness, their strengths with your weakness and complimenting each other in this process. Now the parents are in charge of parenting the kids. You’re not delegating that to other families or anything like that, but we do need each other.

Yeah, we do. We need each other to speak truth into each other’s lives. First Corinthians Again, Chapter 15, Verse 33 says Do not be deceived. Bad company ruins good morals. The reason why we wanted to share that scripture with you guys. Obviously, that’s a quote from the Old Testament in the New Testament, is that there is an important aspect that parents oftentimes don’t realize regarding their responsibility, especially when their kids are younger to make judgment calls on. Is this kid going to correct my child’s like all the work I’m doing right? Like if you’re working on, I don’t know, something simple sharing with your kids and then you start spending a lot of time with another kid where they have a really hard time sharing. They manipulate, they boss people around. They’re constantly being in charge and kids don’t really enjoy playing with them. You don’t see the parents are making any progress with this child. They’re not even aware of it. Nor do they think that their child needs to be corrected. Are you going to spend a lot of time with them? The reality is is you have two choices here. Are you two choices? One, you decide and you make a quiet boundary and you tell your kids, Nope, sorry, we can’t play with them today and you start limiting your exposure with that child.

The other option would be to confront the parents or parent. Ok, those are your only two options, but your motive always needs to be because you see sin in a child and you understand that sin separates them from God, that you want to encourage the parent because you love the child and you want to stay in fellowship with them. This is your opportunity. Ready to move towards closer fellowship. So, you know, sometimes parents can put off this image of, I’ve got it all together, don’t talk to me. Hmm. That is something we all need to evaluate in ourselves because it cannot exist in true biblical friendship. Not when you have kids and you’re parenting alongside others, you don’t want to run the race alone. So here’s a good question that maybe we all should ask. Do we tend to have people running from us? Meaning are other people potentially setting quiet boundaries on their kids, playing with hours or hanging out with hours because of the bad behavior that would require rose tinted glasses being removed, maybe even stepped on forever, right?

Sometimes those rose tinted glasses stay on because we’re comparing our kids to others kids. And that isn’t that does not determine if you have issues or not. That’s not biblical. That’s not biblical. We should just we should. We should be comparing what is righteous behavior. What is right. Are your kids respecting their parents? You? That’s it.

Are they being obedient or are they being good stewards? Are they being kind? Are they like all of? Just think about all the different instructions and wisdom and commands and guidance that the Bible lays out for Christian living.

And of course, nobody matches up to all that. So we all have things to work on. Totally. We have things to work on always. We have a baby all the way up to two kids launched out the door and

We’re we’re still working

All of them. I was, yeah, woke up in the middle of the night last night praying for my kids. I’m just like, I couldn’t help it. It’s like, there’s there’s stuff that we’re working on and there’s stuff you’re working on. And how much better is it? We’re transparent, we’re real with each other, then we feel closer to one another. I think that’s what we all want. And by the way, we not only did six scriptures, we did nine scriptures today.

Oh, sorry, no,

I think everybody appreciated it. I think you were right. Yeah. What a great episode and a great discussion. I think that

If this has been helpful to you guys or you think that other people would be encouraged by it, would you mind sharing it and and even go back to iTunes and give us a review that still helps get the word out about the podcast? We so appreciate you guys joining us today and listen on this topic. Can I just encourage you with one last thing that came to my mind follow up? Hmm. When you when you ask for prayer for someone from someone and they follow up and say, Hey, how’s that thing going? I’ve been praying for you. Don’t you feel good? Don’t. Doesn’t that bring your relationship closer? So if you exhort someone with something, follow up with that and ask them how they’re doing. Pray for them. Let’s let’s not just be the type of people that are judging and nitpicking things. Let’s be the type of people that are walking alongside one another, holding one another up, encouraging one another to do the right thing, being the shoulder they can cry on and praying for one another. So thanks so much for joining us today, you guys. Hope you have a blessed week. Hey, thanks for listening to this episode. For more resources, go to courageous parenting and courageous mom for free online workshops, blog posts and best selling courses. Also, we wanted to quickly tell you about our six week online parenting mentor program. Isaac and I created a powerful biblical curriculum. Here’s how it works. Each week, we release a video with a downloadable parenting packet to make it easy for you to incorporate those teachings directly into your parenting.

This is an incredible, self-paced program where we cover everything from obedience training to overcoming mistakes most Christians are making. But more than that, it’s a supportive community. You’ll have access to our private online group, live webcasts and the courageous parenting text message line where Angie and I can send you weekly encouragement straight to your phone

If you’re interested in joining our next online parenting mentor program. Secure your spot now at CourageousParenting.com

Written By Angie Tolpin
Angie has been married to Isaac for 19 years and together they have eight children, whom she homeschools. She is the Founder of CourageousMom.com, a doula, the author of the best-selling book Redeeming Childbirth, and the creator of the first ever Christian Postpartum Course. Angie loves ministering to Women and has created a few online Bible Studies on Biblical Friendship and Motherhood.

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