“How Marriage Disagreements Can Make You Stronger”

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Episode Summary

If you stay away from a disagreement at all costs, it will cost far more later than the present inconvenience.

Disagreements in your marriage can be healthy as they cause incremental recalibrations along the way versus big blow-ups down the road. If you stay away from them at all costs it will cost far more later than the present inconvenience. Tune in and be encouraged in how to disagree well and why it can bolster a stronger marriage, better teamwork, and more effective parenting too!

Main Points From This Episode:

  • Realize some of the myths that are commonly believed such as peace at all costs, a good marriage doesn’t disagree, and disagreeing is disrespectful. These aren’t true!
  • Hold each other accountable
  • Don’t let your spouse deviate from biblical truth
  • Help each other when we start to have wrong thinking about something or someone.
  • Disagreement should cause marriages to talk through it which is good as communication is happening in real-time versus building up over time.
  • Most marriages communicate leading to over arguing
  • Pray together and for each other
  • Break any unhealthy marriage approaches
  • What philosophies of marriage have you been taught that are not biblical?

Scriptures From This Episode:

– Proverbs 27:17 – Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.”

– Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 – Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!”

– 2 Timothy 1:6 – “For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands,”

– Colossians 3:19 – “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”

– 1 Peter 3:7 – Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”


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Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

Hey guys, welcome to the podcast.

Marriage is so important. So we’re talking about it today. Marriage disagreements actually can make your marriage stronger. How is that? You have to listen. Welcome to Courageous Parenting Podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Hi, I’m Angie from Courageous Mom.

And Isaac from Resolute Man Together pursuing the mission to impact 10 million families and their legacies for the Kingdom of God.

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Join us as we start another important conversation about effective parenting in a fallen world. Hey, welcome, everybody. We’re talking about how marriage disagreements can make you stronger.

I think this is going to be a really powerful, long lasting episode. I mean, if you are listening, you come over here for parenting advice. Marriage impacts our kids. Our marriages. Do the best gift you can give your kids is a strong marriage. And a lot of times when there’s conflict in marriage, kids perceive it. They’re affected by it. Right. And so we’re going to be talking about three really important aspects of how disagreements can actually make you stronger today, which you might not be thinking.

Absolutely. And one of our beliefs is that, you know, one of the most powerful teams in the world is a marriage that’s purposing to be an effective team for the gospel. Right? So let’s let’s just keep that in mind as we go through this. And, you know, just always being in agreement isn’t necessarily good. It might have some indicators of challenges in your marriage that will creep up way down the road. So it’s really important that we talk about this. We feel like the spirit was prompting us to share this, as always, and we’re super excited about it. But there are some myths, aren’t there?

Well, I think that with the growth of social media, especially over the last decade or more, people struggle with comparing their marriage to what they see. Right. And I think this has been a temptation ever since media existed, but even before that. Right. Just that comparison trap. The enemy tries to get us to think that whatever whoever we are or what we have, like if we have a marriage, that our marriage is not as good as so-and-so’s or so-and-so’s. And and those are lies from the enemy. And so I think that we need to be really like aware that what we see on social media, for example, is generally speaking, people’s highlights, right? It’s not necessarily the full picture. It’s not the reality. And the truth is, is that there’s a myth out there. If you look at other people’s marriages and you think everybody is always in agreement and they’re always in like love, laughing and having fun and it’s all roses. And maybe you’re you’re obviously you’re aware of your reality that might make you feel sad or have different expectations of your marriage that would maybe make you discontent, right? Isaac Yeah.

And but, and frankly, there’s some disagreements that I wish we never had and some disagreements that were really healthy.

For us, Right? Exactly. So I guess today we’re probably going to be focusing more on the disagreements that are really healthy for you, right? Yeah, but but I just even think of what a scripture scripture gives us guidance in how to live our lives, truly. And how many times does Paul in the New Testament come at us with this exhortation for unity? Right. Obviously, the reason why that teaching is in there is because it’s needed among humans. And it’s not just in relationships in the church. It’s also relationships within families, within marriages. And it’s a message that’s repeated over and over again to be of sound mind, to be in unity. And there we should be striving for that. But in the striving for that, like obviously it’s something that you have to work for, which means there is a reality that disagreements happen, right? Yeah. And so I think that being honest about that and recognizing that and setting aside myths and lies is so important to be able to have realistic expectations for your marriage so that you aren’t sitting in a bunch of discontentment all the time.

And remember, if if the focus is peace at all costs, it’s really just fake peace and it’s not stirring up the right things. If something needs to be said and you’re not saying it for comfort’s sake, for time’s sake, oh, this is going to take a long time to, you know, talk through. Then really you’re hurting your marriage in the long run. And it’s important to talk through things. So we don’t want a peace at all costs approach. And and that’s important, too. Also, there can be a thought, too, sometimes that disagreeing is disrespectful. And while that certainly can be true in the way in which somebody does it, yeah, but if somebody’s respectful in the way they’re disagreeing.

The disagreement itself isn’t disrespect. That’s right. Yes. I think that’s so good. I’m glad that you added that, because I think that a lot of people need to hear, especially in certain movements. I just think within even in the Christian community, how some people fall into that ditch, even with their kids and parenting, where kids can’t necessarily bring a different opinion to the table or disagree with things. Right. Because then they’re it’s viewed as disrespect when in reality it’s the attitude with which they communicate their opinion or their disagreement.

So true. I mean, I’m so thankful for I can think of so many times my older kids have. Disagreed with me about some plan on the property or a way we’re going to do something. And they have a they respectfully disagree and bring a better idea. And I’m like, Oh, that is a better way.

Yeah, yeah, totally. And I think that that’s really a model. So, you know, for kids to feel comfortable to even be able to do that, it’s because it has to have been modeled within a marriage too, right? Otherwise, they don’t see that. They don’t see that comfortability there, that that way of being able to do it in a respectful manner. And so I think that it’s extremely important that in our marriages, we’re modeling this for our children, not just for when they’re married one day, but also for them to be equipped with how to communicate in a respectful way. Your disagreement with someone, right, Because that’s how they learn it is by seeing it. So it’s either done well or it’s done wrong. Yeah.

And hey, we thank you so much for being part of the 10 million Legacy movement. Sharing all the five star reviews really help the algorithms get it out there more. We’re diligent week in and week out, day in, day out to fulfill the mission of impacting 10 million families and their legacies with biblical resources and knowledge to equip stronger family legacy. And you know what? We just thank you. So let’s dive in. So our first point is hold each other accountable, right?

This is a big deal. We have Proverbs 2717. This is one of my favorite verses in the Bible. It says Iron sharpens iron in one man, sharpens another. I know another translation is sharpens another’s countenance, which when you think of countenance, it’s the way that a person looks right, which is reflective because a lot of times people and different people are wired differently, right? Where they wear their emotions on their sleeve more than others. But our countenance is truly affected by what’s inside. And what’s inside is what counts, right? And so sharpening one another is God’s design for relationships. And I truly believe that this is a word that is so needed for marriages today, because when you are a marriage team, then you’re not viewing one person as more right than the other. But you’re a team and you love each other and you want what’s best for each other. And so you’re going to speak up in love when there’s a potential trap or a lie. They’re believing or they’re discouraged or they’re in sin or whatever. Right?

So what happens is you become an unsharpened marriage, you become unsharpened spouse, you become an ineffective team. Why? Well, what is iron sharpening? Iron? It’s it’s like using iron to sharpen a knife that’s iron sharpening iron in a practical sense. So tell me this. How do you use iron in a knife and have that iron sharpen the knife without friction? Right. You can’t. It requires friction to hone the blade to sharpen it. And that is what we’re to be as a marriage team unless you’re not a marriage team.

Right. Well, and I mean, I even think about iron sharpens iron. It’s not just for in marriage, right? Like this proverb is something that I’m positive God would want to be an active aspect of relationships within the body of Christ because that’s like the family of God. Right? But but if you’re not going to be exercising this first and foremost with the people that you trust and are supposed to love the most, how in the world are you ever going to open your life up to receiving that from people within the body of Christ? Like, I really believe that there’s this element of like, obviously when you are committed to someone and you’ve made a vow before God and you’re married, you are connected till death do you part. There is a kind of trust and a faithfulness and a commitment that is there, that is not there with friendships within the body of Christ. This is honestly safer. And so if you can’t be real and receive the sharpening and give the sharpening within your marriage, how in the world would you be doing that over here? Right. And so we got to get it right here first and we got to get it right within our family. And then we’re actually equipped to be able to do that well, because we’ve already been experiencing it in real time with the people who know us the best and see our sin the most. Right? Like, that’s just the reality. When you live with someone, you see the the selfishness, you see the pride, you see the humility, you see the good and the bad is my point.

And while we’re seeking unity and we know each other super well and those things at the same time, there are times where one of the spouses is in a weaker place, spiritually in a weaker place, physically maybe, and these kinds of things or emotionally, emotionally. And we need to understand that and then help. And part of being help is bringing perspective versus just agreeing. If you sense in your spirit that something is wrong with their perspective, let’s say it’s a perspective about another person. Okay, well then it’s important if you. Feel that there might not be both sides being shared here in this perspective. And it’s a little bit one sided or maybe connecting dots that shouldn’t be connected and being speculative and that kind of thing, then you should speak up. And what happens in a lot of marriages, I think, is that there’s I know this isn’t a perfect word, but there’s a little bit of marriage collusion. What I mean is there is moving moving each other further down a slippery slope of gossip or down a slippery slope of wrong perspective or wrong thinking about something, you know, backing each other up in that way while sometimes backing each other up for a good thing is wonderful. Yeah. For something that is degrading another person view or another person, that’s a bad thing. And so we need to catch each other because we become so comfortable with each other, which is wonderful. But that same time, you know, that can that can lead to some wrong conversations.

But really, like in marriage, I just even think about like, what is the purpose of marriage? Right? I I’ve quoted Gary Thomas a couple times and from his book Sacred Marriage, where he says marriage is not about making you happy, it’s about making you holy. And that perspective means that there’s going to be challenge and the refinement process makes us more holy. It’s sanctifying, right. The sanctification makes us more holy. And when you think of words like refinement or sanctification, those are usually go along with circumstances or situations that are a little more uncomfortable or they’re challenging, they’re exhorting, they’re rebuking, they’re confronting specific sins potentially in your life and calling you to a higher standard, calling you up to be better, calling you to repentance, potentially to turn away from doing something or having a bad habit in something. And while those things are never fun, they make you a better person in general. Right? And I just even think about that, that concept of gossip within marriage, right? We were talking a lot about this over the years. We have been talking about this a lot over the years, just in the sense that how many women feel confident being able to say, hey, I don’t feel like this conversation is very productive.

If the husband is talking about somebody else in a in a light that isn’t really like there’s no there’s not going to be any productivity over the conversation. Right. They’re not going to be making any change potentially in their relationship or whatever. And it’s just kind of like there’s nothing you can do. Have you ever been in that situation? Or maybe you’re in a situation where the wife is coming to the husband and sharing some knowledge that she she knows about something? Or maybe it is gossip that she knows and she’s sharing it, but that husband doesn’t feel like he has permission, if you will, to speak truth to his wife and hold her accountable and go, hey, you know what? We need to expect virtue in this person. And, you know, do you know that that’s totally true or did you hear that from somebody like making the the distinction? Okay. Well, it could be hearsay or it could be speculation. And neither of those things are actually reality. We don’t know. So therefore, why are we thinking this way? We need to be thinking virtue.

Yeah, absolutely. And we’re not saying don’t talk about things, not to talk about things. You got to be discerning. You got to make judgments for the safety of your family and so forth and and have conversations and that includes about others. Sometimes when it’s relevant to the safety and protection of your relationships and families and.

Things like that, When you need wisdom on decisions, you’re making decisions.

You’re making. Or maybe maybe you’re the one that, you know, maybe said something wrong and you want advice from your spouse about how to correct something you did with somebody else. And these kinds of things are so, so important. But very quickly it can become that more collision path. And so it’s really important that we catch each other in that is often as we possibly can.

So I think that, you know, if you if you’re listening to this little portion of the podcast right now and this has been a problem for you, some of you may be thinking, well, how do I change that? Isaac Nanji How do I how do I how we’ve gotten into this habit for 13 years or however long? Right? And you’re like, how do you how do you stop that? Well, I think just having an honest, open conversation and going, you know what, I think that we do this too much or this is a temptation for sin for me and I need your accountability and giving one another that permission to say, Hey, I don’t want to dwell on this anymore because it’s just negative and it really affects my countenance and I just need accountability in that. And imagine how much more powerful that marriage team could be if there was that kind of a conversation. Where there was an openness of know. You know what? You’re right. We do need to stop talking about that right now. And and if.

You hang on to these things too long, that means that your marriage can only handle 1 or 2 problems at a time. And it’s not that we want more problems, it’s just that the more impact and the more your marriage is doing and the the more the capacity is growing. It also means you can handle more challenges and that means you’re probably not holding on to these challenges and having to keep talking about them over and over and over again over time. I will give a tip, though, guys, especially. It’s important to listen long You got to listen long Even if you disagree with something or you have a heart check about something they said. It’s really important to listen to all of it and not get hung up on the 1 or 2 things that may be off a little bit and what someone’s saying in an emotional, your spouse might be saying an emotional outburst, not an outburst, but just outflow. That’s a better word. Um, and so to listen long and then understand in the points where there’s agreement and acknowledge that and then, you know, gently share where there might need to be perspective. And I think that is so important because if you come in just on the thing that you hear that’s wrong and you do that too quick and you don’t fully listen, it’s just not going to work.

It’s just not going to work. You can tell he’s spoken from experience there.

Ecclesiastes four, nine through ten says two are better than one because they have a good reward for their toil or sorry for if they fall, one will lift up his fellow, but woe to him who was left alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up. So we are here to lift each other up. That’s part of how beautiful marriage is. That’s a you know that scripture is in most weddings.

I know it’s interesting. And the next part is also really kind of cool, too. It just says again, if two lie together, they keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? And I just I think of like comfort, even like communication just in general. Like there are times when a spouse is maybe not doing as well spiritually, maybe not doing as well with mental health or or emotional health or or maybe they’ve they’re dealing with grief or they’re dealing with job loss change or transition of some kind or just feeling lonely or who knows. Like there’s a million different things that I could give as an examples. Right? And I, I, I know from being married for 23 years that we have walked through all of those seasons before. And in all of those times, communicating with my husband about my feelings and about the things that I was struggling with for sure brought us closer because he always had the comfort and the the right, either the right words or he was just there to even listen, not necessarily to fix things. And I think sometimes men need to hear that they don’t have to fix the problem. Sometimes what women really want to hear is they just want someone to be listening to them so that they don’t feel alone anymore. And I even think about, like, you know, to lie down. How can one stay warm alone? Like I think of that like there’s no verbal words being used in that example, but there’s comfort and there’s warmth and there’s there’s survival together, really.

And then they’re able to continue on in life. And I think that’s a beautiful picture of what marriage can be in those kinds of times. Yeah. And you know, the thing that is so important about that is that there are times when, like you guys just thinking about our marriage, there have been times where we’ve both been in a season where we’re like, Wow, we’re both grieving. Like when we lost a baby or when the job when our business went under, there was definitely hard times where we both were struggling. And that was when it was so important to be a part of a biblical community where we could be transparent with other people so that they could lift us up. And I just have to add that in, because you cannot underestimate the power of the Holy Spirit working through relationships. And I think that there’s a time and a place for that. But it first starts here again. Like if you can’t do that in your marriage, how in the world are you ever going to be practiced at letting people in in the body of Christ? Right. And both of those things actually need to be modeled for our children in order for them to have biblical marriages when they’re older. Because the truth is, is life can be hard at times, but God’s always good. And part of God’s goodness is that He’s provided for us, a family of God, to be able to help us and carrying those burdens. And we need to utilize that.

You know, another way that marriage disagreements can make you stronger is it causes communication and maybe communication should have happened earlier. Maybe there wouldn’t be a disagreement if we were talking this out even more. But I think sometimes there is, too, and it just gets us talking. And so we want to hold short accounts, right? We don’t want to have disagreement very long. We don’t want to have fake peace and not talk about something. And then it builds up into a bigger outburst or conflict or problem over time. It’s really important to get to that disagreement so that we can talk all about it. And even afterwards, we may not 100% agree on this decision, this path. This might be a small thing, but at least there’s respect, there’s communication and so forth, and there’s not resentment building. And that is so important.

Well, and I even think like with communication, how many arguments happen because of a lack of communication or miscommunication? I’d say the majority, a lot of them are for sure. And then of course, there’s sin, right? That’s definitely also a reason why there’s disagreements sometimes or arguments. And I just think that communication can solve so many things. If people are willing to listen and work hard or if you will fight for their relationship, fight for their marriage, fight for their family, for unity. And it is something that we have to do. We we as believers, that’s what we’re called to do. If there is Christian fellowship and like mindedness, then we we are obligated to work at it even when it’s hard. And I we have a little note that says, you know, in holding each other accountable, don’t let each other deviate from biblical truth. And that’s part of the iron sharpening iron. But you can’t even do that if there is no communication because you don’t know unless you’ve communicated, if that person is being influenced in an unbiblical way, right? You know, and so there’s an element of like communication is clearly like a foundational element of this piece of how your marriage can grow stronger. One, when you’re in disagreements, you sometimes you have to learn over the years better communication strategies.

I know that Isaac and I have learned more about how each other are, and I’m still working on things for sure, and I’m sure he is too. But like, I know that for myself, I’m working at listening better and that is just a constant thing that I challenge myself in because I’ve been convicted of that many times. And but deviating from biblical truth is one of those things where when you hear something, you hear a lie, like your spouse is believing a lie about themselves or maybe a lie about someone else or a lie about a situation, or they’re going to make a decision about something based upon something that’s not biblical. You as a spouse are supposed to be there as that person to pull them out of the fire of making a bad decision. Right. Like that is part of the team that can actually help the whole family. Um, but I also think there’s this element of like you and I have talked about this in other podcasts, the fake peace element, right? And a lot of times couples will not even talk about a disagreement simply because they want to have tranquility.

Well, I think, you know, I think I can speak for myself as a husband. There have been times where I’m tired. I worked hard all day. And you know what? I disagree with something, but. I’d rather just chill and watch a movie with you. I’d rather just talking it out, not deal with it. And you know what? That’s a mistake. It’s a mistake because probably I can’t remember, but probably that reoccurred down the road and it was harder, you know? So it’s really important that we in real time are talking with each other. But you know what? It’s hard to do if your relationship is not right, if you’re not both growing in the Lord, if there’s not spiritual growth happening in both spouses, it can be harder if there’s not a real confidence amongst each other that I believe in you and I believe in our marriage. And if there’s not trust and those kinds of things, this stuff can break down. And so one of the aspects of having an amazing marriage, a thriving marriage that can do lots of wonderful things for the kingdom and raise up your kids and be good examples and all these things, is is to be working on the relationship side so that you can disagree. And this is true outside of marriage too. The stronger your relationship, the more truth you can tell somebody.

That’s totally true. I mean, I even think about like with your kids or with friends outside of your family, right? Like, how many of you guys have had a conversation with someone and you’ve maybe felt like they were struggling with a specific sin in that situation? They were being disrespectful to their husband and how they were talking about him, or maybe they were shaming their children on how they discipline them in front of other people or they struggle with gossip, whatever it is. Think of something where you didn’t feel like you had invested enough in that relationship to actually confront the issue. The truth is, is that that’s right. Like we that’s why we need to be investing in relationships, because the truth is, is that we all struggle with sin at times and we all need people to sharpen us. And other people may see those sins, but not say something simply because they haven’t invested or built a strong enough relationship, or they’re worried that that relationship is too fragile. Right. That they they they think, oh, I might break that relationship completely because I haven’t poured into it yet. And so I think that it’s it’s a reminder that we always need to be pouring into our marriage so that when there are those times when we have to confront the love tank’s not empty.

There it is. And one way to have a perspective on disagreements is to look at them as opportunities for little recalibrations versus not doing them and leading to big blow ups down the road. So little calibrations, little refinements veering you guys back on course together or varying a spouse back on course on sound biblical thinking, for example, or sound judgment about what’s actually happening. When we get emotional, when we’re hurt by somebody, you know, we can start to have really a lacking of sound judgment about what’s going on. We can start to extrapolate all these other things and think it’s all part of the one thing when in reality that may not be true. And so it’s really important we’re there to help each other. You know, what’s beautiful about marriage is there’s two hearts, two minds. And, you know, none of us can are complete. We need God and we need each other, Right? That’s why a church has all the different gifts working together. It’s beautiful. Well, within marriage, you have so much more. When there’s two that are acting as their gifts. Yes. Using their gifts.

That are appreciating the differences in one another and bringing those out and sharpening one another. Right. As iron sharpens iron. Is that verse again?

Verse first, Timothy Is that where we’re at? Second, Second. Thank you. Second. Timothy one six. Thanks for your help on me for this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control. It’s so good.

Well, I think that the reason why we chose this is that we would stir one another up, right? Yeah. And I think that that is an aspect of when you disagree with one another and then you’re challenging each other to be biblical. That is stirring up good biblical works among one another. And that’s the whole point is that like, if you’re not in disagreement and you’re not, then clearly there isn’t communication happening. Right? And so we just would encourage and exhort you both to be brave in your relationship and to love the person well enough that you’re willing to speak that truth to them, because you know that if they’re walking in sin, like that’s literally hurting their relationship with God, but it’s also hurting your relationship with them. And so if you guys if there is a disagreement about something like some character flaw, like you have to bring those things up. Right. Hey, um.

Oh, sorry.

Go ahead. No, that’s okay.

What? Have you ever been lying in bed and just not feeling in unity with your spouse or feeling like there’s something you want to say but you can’t or these kinds of things? Well, this next point really makes sure that never happens, which is you pray together and for each other. If you’re praying with each other and for each other both, it’s amazing. You’re praying for the other person. That’s wonderful. But if you’re praying together, you also hear the other person’s heart.

Yeah, it really is the most intimate way to know what’s going on in their soul. Because when people are praying to the Lord, they’re sharing with them their deepest desires and they’re asking for help and they’re pleading to the Lord in that sense. And sometimes you hear things come from your spouse when they’re praying that you normally wouldn’t hear in a conversation, just the two of you. And it can really build that intimacy in your marriage to be opening up before the Lord and praying together. But I also think that there’s an element of like praying for each other. Sometimes you don’t know what to pray for your husband if you haven’t communicated. Do you see that logic there? And so that’s another reason why it’s actually really important that you would be honest about your opinions, even if you are in disagreement. And to go together in prayer and just say, Hey, Lord, our desire in our marriage is that we would be unified and would you just be with us while we’re trying to communicate our different opinions about this particular topic or this decision that we’re trying to make? And Lord, help us to be glorifying and honoring to you and how we talk to one another and how we see one another’s perspectives.

Imagine if you started your conversation of disagreement that way, right? And and and this is the thing. Like, I just want to encourage you guys that I know there are times when you get into it and you don’t. Prayer is probably the last thing that’s on your mind. But if you were to stop and really go, wow, okay, he’s watching. He’s here with us, would I talk to my spouse the same way if I knew Jesus was standing right here? And I know that seems so simple. It’s kind of like the WWE. But truly, we do need to walk and talk that way and we should be the same in private as we are in public, like all the time, in the sense of like if we claim to be Christians, then the transforming power of Jesus should change How we relate to people all the time. And praying together is a great goal, but you can’t even fully pray for another person. You can pray together, but you can’t pray for another person with the same kind of depth that you can if you’ve communicated the needs and the prayer requests.

All right. So we’re going to talk about some I want to take a moment and give you something for free if you haven’t got it already is the date night one sheet. It is a beautiful document you can download that will have some key questions on it for your date night to just get in alignment about what’s most important for your family. No matter what time of year, it’s always important to recalibrate. You can get that by going to courageous Parenting.com and subscribing to our mailing list. Also, you can get all of our show notes and everything at Courageous Parenting.com. And I also just want to share real quick about the Parenting Mentor program. So many families are being transformed by going through this. It’s the six week self-paced program with live engagement from us and even direct interaction. So if you want to join us, here’s a little bit more about it. You can find out more at Courageous Parenting.com. Stephen, I.

Realized that we were getting too comfortable with the world’s vision of how to raise our children, but Angie and.

Isaac have done in creating this is literally phenomenal.

This program provided awesome scripture based teachings and just some really great practical applications.

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We now have a game.

Plan to how we want to raise our children. We have so many answers to the questions that have been in our mind.

It’s not just these hypothetical situations or it’s not just this. Here’s what I think you should do. It’s let me show you where in Scripture this is.

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One of the best things that we’ve done this year, one of the best investments we’ve made this year, and I could not recommend it more.

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Unhealthy unbiblical marriage points here that might be causing a blockage of your team being even more effective and raising your kids even more effective. Sharing the gospel of being a light. And that is one of them is when men lord over their families. There’s different movements that have existed still exist. I don’t actually know a lot about them, never been in them. But I know what the Bible says and the leadership that the Bible talks about in terms of this is definitely different than lording over your family. Right here in Colossians 319, it says husbands love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

So simple, so good. But but, you know, I just even think that, like, obviously, as moms, we don’t want to be harsh with them. I’ve met many women that were very strong. Right. And I’m just going to say something that probably is an unpopular opinion. Our world caters to strong women and and that a lot of it comes from the feminist movement. And I think that it makes it difficult for men to just even be on an equal playing field with women where they’re being both respectful. And so while I see this and I go, yes, okay, I’ve definitely seen witnessed families where the husbands were more harsh with their wives. And that’s not healthy. That’s not biblical. This verse does not say that it’s okay for wives to be harsh with their husbands either.

It says right here in the verse, right prior. It says, Wives submit your husbands as is fitting in the Lord.

Verse 18. Exactly. And so there is a word there, though, for us as women and for men that we need to just watch ourselves lest we be tempted and how we’re communicating and how we’re treating one another with respect and honor and understanding that like actually having the same love for one another that we had when we got married. Right? Like, I just even think like how many couples don’t treat each other with the same love and honor and respect that they did when they first met. And that just devastates me to think that people get to that place. And if you’re there right now, like I would just encourage you to pray and ask God to revive that, to help you to respect and love your spouse, because it’s not something that we’re supposed to do if they deserve it. It’s something that we’re we’re called to do because we’re called to do it as Christians. And when we lead our hearts to do the next right thing and we do what the Bible is calling us to do, sometimes we have to do that thing before our heart is in it. And then our heart will catch up. Right? And I just I know that God will bring a huge fruit if you are to obey His word. But we have another verse that we want to share with you guys as well. Yeah.

First, Peter three seven says, Likewise, husbands live with your wives in an understanding way. And it goes on to say, showing honor to the woman as a weaker vessel since they are heirs with you of the grace of life so that your prayers may not be hindered. Gentlemen, your prayers may be hindered. God may not listen to your prayers in the same way, if you are not living with your wives in an understanding way, Understanding means listening long. It means being patient. It means serving servant leadership. Jesus was an example of leadership and to tend to our families well, which means considering their opinions, their desires, the things that are going on before making decisions and consulting with your wife, who has a lot of good Intel and the spirit is using her. And so to to speak to you often probably mean it’s.

Part of being a helpmeet like it’s so important about like the call, you know, when God created Adam in Genesis and he said it’s not good for man to be alone, I’m going to create a helpmate suitable for him. Well, Helper, you can’t help someone if you don’t know what they need help with. And so that puts a responsibility on the man to be clear in his communication about what he’s doing so that the wife can know how to even help to do the the most basic function that she was created to do in her marriage. And I think about like in those situations where there’s marriages where the men lord over their husbands and they don’t communicate with their.

Wives and lord.

Over their wives. Yeah. Where men. Yes. What I say to say the opposite. Sorry. Where men lord over their wives. It’s hard for the wives to know what to help with specifically because they’re not communicated to. They’re not respected in that way where it’s like a team. Right. And I even think the same thing of counsel, like, how can you give counsel if there hasn’t been communication? How do you know how to pray if you don’t there hasn’t been communication. You don’t know what’s going on. Accountability. That’s huge. Like I think about we’ve talked about this, we’ve done podcasts on how in marriage, One of the main things about marriage is that God created this in built in accountability for one another. Right? And it can be a really beautiful thing, but it can but beautiful meaning like it challenges you to grow because you’re each confronting the issues that you see and you’re you’re trying to change and you’re trying to grow in your faith, but also in being more biblical. And that accountability. If a husband thinks that he can hold her accountable but he’s not willing to take it back, then there’s something that’s massively off there because she’s the one who knows him better than anyone because she lives with him. So if she sees something and doesn’t have the permission. If you will, or the the confidence or the. Yeah. The confidence in their marriage that it’s going to make their marriage stronger. He’s going to receive it. Then that’s really detrimental to his own spiritual maturity and spiritual health because God calls us to be constantly growing. Right. And this is one of the first relationships that is set up for that.

Oh, I really appreciate that you offer accountability to me and I know I do with you. And I think we’re stronger and our kids benefit from it. And God’s able to do things because we keep each other in a more of a humility. Right.

Posture. Well, and I even think if a husband’s not willing to be accountable to his wife or a wife is not willing to be held accountable by her husband, the person they know the best and that they’re committed to, like we talked about before with this vow before God, then who else are they committed to being accountable to?

Now, there are times where husbands need to make final decisions and move in a direction, and I think that is after consulting the wife and and praying and thinking about things. And then, you know, she’s going to submit to that because that’s what’s important. But guys, let’s make it easy for our wives to submit to our decisions because they really feel valued.

I know for sure that like in the times where there’s been big decisions, where obviously like a decision has to be made right? And it’s great when you’re in unity together because then it’s an easy decision. Like when we chose to move to Idaho, it was something that we were 100% in alignment in, but we also brought our kids into it and they were also in alignment. And that was just a confirmation that this was from the Lord that he had already moved everyone’s hearts. Praise Jesus. Yeah, because that was a big decision.

We actually thought it might be too late to ever move. We wanted to move from Bend, Oregon, prior to the COVID thing and things like that. But we’re like, you know, our kids are older now. We might have missed our window because they’re plugged in. They have relationship tips and so forth. And then the COVID thing happened and all that stuff ended anyways. Yeah, got.

Disrupted, kind of gave us a little window, gave us a window, a window of freedom to be able to do that. But I also think though, that while unity is something that you strive for and you want to be able to make decisions where you go, Oh, I know my wife and I talked about this and she sees things the way I do. And okay, we’re moving forward with this, right? There are still times like even thinking about finances and how you use or a lot the finances that you have. Sometimes there can be disagreements, right? Like if a car is broken down, maybe one in the marriage says buy a new car and the other says, get that one fixed. Right. Like we’ve had disagreements, if you will, not fights, but disagreements on different things like that over the years. And and the reality is, is communicating and giving perspective and hearing and listening. Then there when you go through that process, it’s much easier for a woman to go, you know what? I trust you. And you know, and when you’re a biblical woman and you know what your role is biblically like, we just read in Colossians and first Peter, then you know that you are called to empower your husband to build his confidence by saying, I know you’re going to make a good decision and, and you can let go of it because you already said your piece, right? So good. And so I think that there’s something that’s so valuable for women to hear that. Like how I mean, the older I get, the more thankful I am that I don’t have to be the decision maker in a lot of things because that’s a heavy burden to bear sometimes.

And you know what I love? Including my wife in the conversation. Because if things go wrong, you know what it is.

I don’t blame him. If we made it.

Together, did stop with me a little bit, but she’s way more understanding. Oh, yeah.

If we already decided, we already it’s like we already.

Talked about it. And so I think a lot of husbands get themselves in the hot water because they just go and make decisions. And when those things backfire, it’s a lot harder to get understanding from the family because they didn’t go if they weren’t respected and included in the discussion. And there’s some things we don’t discuss with our kids and there’s a lot of things we do. I’d say we err on the more on the side of doing. We have lots of older children and we care about their perspectives and so forth, but at the end of the day we make decisions. Now here’s a question What philosophies of marriage have you been taught that are not biblical or that you were exemplifying in your marriage, that are not biblical? And I think it’s important to think about that. One thing I appreciate along those lines is how Angie makes it easier for me to step in and lead to make those final decisions, because I don’t feel like there’s a competition from her to do so, and that I really appreciate that because it also makes me feel more confident in being a better leader of not lording over, because I know that she’s encouraging me to do that thing to lead. And so when I am walking. In a way of including people in the conversation and those kinds of things. It’s not looked at as weakness because there’s not an expectation for me just to always be driving forward and making all the decisions without including people well, or feeling like there’s competition. And I just have to do that well.

And I think competition comes out in the disagreements within a marriage as well, too, right? Like, I think that there’s a really good exhortation to just challenge everybody with like, do you tend to be more of a disagreeable person in general? Do you tend to be the skeptic or the half glass full or always looking at the negative side of things to try to like weed out all potential problems first? And if that is your personality, here’s a challenge is to not not go straight to that first, but to take a step back, take a breather and go, okay, am I really hearing this other person out and their full perspective before I’m speaking? And, you know, sometimes it’s really helpful to be able to list out pros and cons for sure. And that’s why, you know, the Bible talks so much about seeking wise counsel. But ladies, listen, if we want our husbands to want to come to us for wise counsel, then we need to have the fruit in our lives of going to the word and being in the word so frequently that our husbands are like, Well, my wife is a godly wife. I know that if I go to her, I’m going to get godly wisdom. I’m not going to just get however she’s feeling today or her opinion about things, you know what I mean? And like I try to live my life in that way.

And I with the women that God brings into my life to disciple them or encourage them and run the race with them, whatever it is, I try to exhort people like, listen, you need to be strong in the word for the people that God puts in your life. Are you that woman? Are you that woman that has the reputation of just wanting to obey God and wanting to glorify him? Because if you do, then you will have your husband coming to you more. If he’s a biblical man, you will have your adult children coming to you for biblical advice. But if you’re just like going to church on Sunday and that’s your form of Christianity and you’re not in the word, your life is probably not exemplifying the fruit of the spirit like it could be. And so we got to do the work on the daily basis in our walk with God and asking His spirit to be moving through us so that we can be the helpers that God has actually called us to be in our marriages. And then it’s easier for them to lead.

Amen. So thanks for joining us.

See you next time. Hey, thanks for listening and being a part of the 10 Million Legacies movement. Go to be courageous ministry org for more biblically based resources. Ways to switch where you spend your money that support the mission and information about the incredible be courageous app community for believers.

Also we wanted to quickly tell you about our six week online parenting mentor program.

Isaac and I created a powerful biblical curriculum. Here’s how it works. Each week we release a video session with a downloadable parenting packet to make it easy for you to incorporate those teachings directly into your parenting.

This is an incredible self-paced program where we cover everything from tending to their hearts, handling obedience to overcoming mistakes most Christians are making. But more than that, it’s a supportive community. You’ll have access to our private group and the Be Courageous app, live webcasts and direct access to us.

If you’re interested in joining our next online parenting Mentor program, secure your spot now at be courageous ministry org that’s be courageous ministry.org.



Written By Angie Tolpin
Angie has been married to Isaac for 19 years and together they have eight children, whom she homeschools. She is the Founder of CourageousMom.com, a doula, the author of the best-selling book Redeeming Childbirth, and the creator of the first ever Christian Postpartum Course. Angie loves ministering to Women and has created a few online Bible Studies on Biblical Friendship and Motherhood.

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