Communication can either be a blessed experience that enhances relationships in a family or be the barrier that leads to heartache, discord, and broken relationships that impact generations. Yelling in a family, regardless if it comes from a parent or a child, is a disrespectful way for anyone to communicate. Being kind and loving, on the other hand, is the ideal. In this episode, we are sharing some practical tips for creating change as well as the Scriptural reasoning and teaching behind why this is so relevant for parents to evaluate in their homes.
Regardless of your upbringing, you can leave a biblical foundation as your legacy, treating your children with tenderness and kindness and them in return speaking to you with respect and love. Making change begins with walking in humility, repenting for ways you have sinned in this way, and then leading your children to have the same heart attitude towards one another.
Key Points In This Episode:
- Treat your kids how you would want to be treated, but even more, how they would want to be treated
- Yelling louder might seem to work, but fails long term
- Train your kids on how to effectively communicate in conflict
- How to have self-control over yourself when the impulse to yell is coming
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Scripture In This Episode:
Ephesians 6:1-4 – “Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honor thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”
Ephesians 4:29 – “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”
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Hi, guys, welcome to the podcast, we are on the road, aren’t we, honey?
Yeah, we are in northern Idaho right now.
Yeah. So if the audio quality isn’t as good as usual, it’s because we’re using iPhones today. But the content should be, Lord willing, outstanding. I hope so. Yeah. Praise God. He’s so good. So we’re so glad you joined us while we’re on the road here and maybe you’re on the road. I love driving, by the way, on the side note, because you get so much thinking done and if you have kids with you, you get to talk to him. A deep conversation, which is amazing. So we’re talking about how to stop the yelling in your home.
And you’re like, wait a minute, how do you know we have yelling in our home? well, are you human? Now.
It is possible there’s not yelling in some homes out there. And for you, we congratulate you. But I think at times people can lose their cool and it can happen with parents and it can happen with kids. And usually when one or the other happens, both happen.
That’s right. I mean, the reality is we were just talking about how important it is to recognize that as parents, you know, obviously we don’t know at all and we aren’t perfect.
Right. We did a podcast on no perfect parents allowed to go listen to that one, because that one kind of goes along with this one. It’s a good message, too.
But the reality is that all humans, whether you’re a parent or a child or a young adult or single or a grandparent, we all have the tendency when we’re in fellowship with one another, like we’re walking through life together to rub each other the wrong way, to offend one another, to provoke one another. Right.
And the Bible has some warnings in scripture for us as parents, but those are good warnings for all people, not just fathers.
And think about the uncertain world we’re living in and all the changes are happening, all that conflict happening in our world.
Don’t you want your kids to be supremely good at handling conflict? Don’t you want them to be more mature than the average person out there so that they can help diffuse conflict and lead in that? See, that’s so important. A lot of times we get we can get really caught up in the day today and the tomorrow in the week, in the month when really part of having vision is is motivating because it’s thinking about how I want my kids to be someday and then tying that into today’s realities. And how do we alter today’s realities from our influence to catapult a better path in an area for kids and their futures. And so that is what this is about. And we want our kids to look at our marriages and go, I want that. And do you want your kids yelling at each other when they’re married? I don’t think we want any of that. So there’s different levels of struggle people have with this in their families in different ways. But I’m sure the things we’re talking about will help everybody in some ways.
And I would say to that, this should if if anything else, this should help you to have compassion and grace with other people who are in different places, in their family units, maybe don’t operate how yours do if this is something that you guys have mastered. Right. And and even I say this because a lot of people, we all have experiences from growing up to right those things affect our parenting. They can either affect it in a good way or bad way. And that is our choice. That’s our opportunity for growth. Right, to decide, hey, I’m not going to continue this legacy or this generational sin or I’m I’m going to or some people just naturally just do what has been done to them or what they experienced in their life because they were trained up in it.
And it becomes their natural way of being because they weren’t trained in discipline. And when I say disciplined, think of like a someone who’s working out and they have discipline and they go every day to the gym. Right. Like, that’s a person of discipline. And so we are all disciplined in something. OK, and so we’ve either been disciplined in practicing good behavior regarding communication or in bad behavior regarding communication. And so we have to be honest about our upbringing, our training, if you will, and what we’ve been disciplined in so that we can take a really good, accurate view of ourselves first, because this is what this message always starts with. We always need to look at ourselves and then we want to look at our marriages. We want to have communication about this like, oh, honey, where do you think I need to get better at this? And vice versa. And then. You take it into your communication with your children and we have a couple of verses that we’re going to share with you guys regarding this just just to kick it off. Right. OK, so, Isaac, do you want to read from first Colossians three twenty one.
Yeah. Thanks for picking them out today. Yeah.
Have fathers do not provoke your children unless they become discouraged. I love that verse. It is so important. And I would say it’s mothers too. Yeah. And so it’s super important.
We have to really take that to heart because we don’t realize how deeply we might be discouraging our kids. Discourage discouraged isn’t just a moment thing. Discourage can be scars that stay with kids and you never know what kind of moments will be those memories that last a long time. You don’t want to create the wrong ones, right?
I mean, we were just talking about this like how anybody can provoke anybody to sin, right? In that sense of like we’re all humans and we all can push each other’s buttons at times. And we as the person that is potentially being tempted or being provoked, being maybe being yelled at or or whatnot, maybe not being appreciated, you’re constantly working. I know that as a mom, I’ll just speak up for moms because we work a lot. Right. Or constantly changing diapers, cleaning the house, doing laundry, cooking la la, la, la. And to be doing that constantly and maybe not getting appreciation, that can be the beginning of the provoking to maybe snapping. Right. And especially if there is unappreciation and then there’s attitude back from kids that can really snap into yelling or or depending on the person’s conflict strategy, they might become really sad and quiet and discourage themselves. They might be provoked into that. And then they might just stop doing what they were doing before, stop caring for the family in the way that they were. Right.
Yeah. And so we just need to be aware that and we need to teach our kids this is this is the key part of this, is that when we’re raising our kids up, you guys, we have to talk to them.
We have to communicate to them how relationships work because they’re not born, just knowing how relationships work. Think about a newborn baby. They come out. The only way they can communicate is by crying and yelling and screaming. Right. And hopefully moms are responding at a point where the baby doesn’t come to a place of screaming because that’s actually where it begins. I believe if you are responsive to your child and you’re trying to figure out what’s wrong with them, that actually sets the tone for their toddler years as well. Because if you don’t respond to them. Right, and then what it does is it trains your child that they actually have to scream bloody murder to get your attention.
And we don’t want to create pathways of training them that way. But before we fully dive in here, we just appreciate you being part of the one million Legacy’s movement. It is so powerful what God is doing.
And every time you share, every time he goes five star review, all it takes is a tap on iTunes. Every time you recommend it really helps perpetuate the movement. Every time you purchase something, it helps us keep going. So we really appreciate that. Also, notes and everything encourages CourageousParenting.com Feel free to get them there and we’re going to dive in. So the first point is treat your kids how you would want to be treated. And then another point to that is treat them how they would want to be treated. There’s actually a difference and both are right?
Right. And so this actually is based upon the second commandment, right?
Jesus said the first commandement is to love the Lord, your God with your whole heart, mind, soul and strength and the second is to love your neighbor as yourself, not meaning that you’re going to be loving your neighbor the way that you would want to be loved, but meaning that you would love your neighbor in a sense that you would want to be loved the way you want to be loved.
So everybody everybody’s differently and everybody has different conflicts, strategies. It’s good to study. That’s good to understand the different personalities, because every negative conflict strategy of every personality is equally challenging. But some of them are more overt, some of them are more apparent and certain people, it doesn’t make it OK, but some people just get quiet and don’t and don’t involve themselves.
And some people interrogate and get critical, critically minded. Some people get really angry.
It’s more overt and they stomp off and the speeches still scream and yell. And some people are more manipulative with screaming and yelling. So or emotions or emotional, manipulative, manipulation, things like that.
Now there’s some generalization. There’s all kinds of varying things in between. But it’s good to understand that and all equally bad because you can have some kids. Just stop involving themselves and think you have another kid that’s outwardly angry and you always only tend to the negative of the outwardly angry person, so you really have to see what’s going on inside their hearts. You have to ask questions to really understand. This is about yelling. So it is about those personalities that are more overt, pretending to yell. And you have to also know your personality and how you’re wired. A lot of marriages marry people who are different than them, and you do that on purpose in a lot of ways they think. But it’s it’s pretty cool because we can complement each other. But wherever we’re different, there’s also a potentiality for friction. And so we need to embrace who we are, how God made us embrace our government, our kids, and embrace how God made our spouses. And that is a big step to being able to treat people how you would want to be treated. But then also keeping in mind how are they different and how might they want to be treated differently than me and communication. Yeah, it’s a huge deal.
And I think that so what we’re talking about here, you might be going, wow, this is this is really good, like just talking about the different conflict strategies of kids.
And and you might be thinking, oh, well, which one of my kids lands and which in which one to our land and where does my spouse land. All good questions. Maybe we can go into that more in depth in a different podcast sometime.
But you guys, the point that we’re trying to make is that it’s important that you evaluate and that you specifically train your kids up in understanding how to communicate. And if we aren’t doing that, then we and then we’re expecting good behavior.
We’re expecting them to have self-control over their temper, for example.
But yet we haven’t taught them what the Bible says about having self-control over their thoughts, taking every thought captive. We haven’t taught them that self-control is a for the spirit that Jesus can help them. If we haven’t we haven’t modeled that for them and we haven’t taught them what the word says and we haven’t taught them about. Yeah, you and your sister just communicate very differently because you are wired differently. And that’s OK. No one needs to change to be more like you. You don’t need change to be like them. You just need to understand that you’re communicating differently and be more patient and have long suffering with one another. Understanding this is actually preparing them for all of their relationships in the future. That’s what the family is, right? Like the family relationships are the core of society. They are also a training ground in an image bearer of the family of God. This is where our kids get to practice and experience being who they are. And we as parents need to let them be who they are, but also train them up and teach them how to operate, understanding what their temptations to sin are and to choose to have self-control in the moment, how to recognize their physiological symptoms of when they’re heading into conflict and that they would learn tactics or skills they can use so that they don’t wind up blowing up. Because that’s what we’re really talking about today. How to prevent yelling from happening in your home. So I’m going to read from Ephesians chapter six, verse one through four, the focus versus actually on verse four, which is to parents.
But I think that it’s important that we recognize that in this little section and these four verses, God’s talking to both children and mothers and fathers. Children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth. Don’t we want that for our kids? We want them to be able to live long on the earth to experience getting married, having a family of their own, having the joys of fulfilling the purposes that God created them for. Figuring out who they are. This this is an exciting thing, you guys. But they God gives them a promise here, says honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with the promise that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth. So it’s time in that Old Testament scripture that’s still fully relevant today, fully in place today, because Jesus did not come to extinguish the law. He came to fulfill it. Here we are in Ephesians in the New Testament and he’s bringing that in again. Then in verse four says, And you fathers do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. This is the thing warning to parents, obviously it says fathers, but to both parents not to provoke your children to wrath. What’s wrath?
Yeah, wrath is anger. And here’s the thing. When you’re in wrath, however that looks for any person is you’re beside yourself. You literally are not completely in control of yourself. Sometimes you might think you’re in control, but the control you have is to continue wrath and you might be making decisions on the next wrathful statement to make. But until you cool down, until you remove yourself temporarily from the situation and get some insight, pray, you know, read the Bible, put worship music on, take a walk, you need to do that. So if things are. Screening in your mind and your heart, you can you can feel the physiological triggers that could be happening. I have this vein right here. You can see it if you’re on the video, but it starts pulsing.
So if he gets upset, so unfortunately, I have a really easy indicator everybody can see that’s probably helpful for me in the jaw clenching. Yeah, absolutely.
And we and I have a scowl. And so, like, everybody has their thing that they do. And, you know, one day I was I was I, I was pretty upset about something and I could tell that I was scowling. Right. It’s kind of like what I look like when I’m squinting my eyes because the sun kind of like right now.
And I decided, Angie, you need to go look at what your face is. So I try to freeze my frame face and go stand in front of the mirror. And I looked at myself and I went, oh, I can get kind of scary looking when I’m mad. And it just was super convicting to me because that’s what my children see if I am upset or offended by them. Right. And if you listen very closely to our first Four Seasons podcasts, which are really good, by the way, if you to listen to those, we have some on why your children don’t obey you and how to get your kids to respect you. Those are essential, like the respect one is about showing your kids respect first, because that’s where they learn and then they reciprocate it. Right. And so I’m bringing that up because that’s the main theme of that podcast.
That was our what are like our fourth podcast. We did a fantastic podcast, one of the most popular.
And you guys, that’s what this comes down to, is when we understand that our role is not that our kids would be perfect and that they have perfect behavior. And we like if you want your kids to have good behavior, then you’re going to have to put in the work. And the work is in teaching and in training in the Senate in the sense of sitting down and communicating with them and talking to them and helping them to have perspective. Let me give you an example.
So and one of our kids is having a hard time and he gets in a fight with one of his siblings. This just happened this morning. One of the kids lost their temper. They got a little physical. It was one of our little ones. He got a little physical with one of his older brothers because he told them no on something. And I had to go and have a talk with them.
And I said, listen, first of all, how would you like it if that brother did that to you? How would you like it if he treated you that way? Oh, I would. That would hurt. And I was like, yeah. So you need to treat him the way you want him to treat you. That’s the second commandment. That’s what we’re talking about. Right? As soon as the kids get oh, I don’t like it if my sibling yells at me. Yeah. So I shouldn’t get then yell at them. It’s like a light bulb goes on. But we as parents can’t just expect our kids to know that most adults don’t even know this right beside themselves.
And they are having a hard time getting out of the angry feelings and emotional outbursts and these kind of things. So they need their own mechanisms. You need to help them learn how to cool down, teach them and teach them about girls and learn it might be different for different kids. I mean, you have to treat them uniquely. One kid, it might be, you know, go into his room and kind of cooling down. But in an emotional outburst, if you’re like “go to your room!”, you know, and yelling at them, that’s going to just I mean, cause a slammed door potentially behind. But instead you’re you’re talking with them.
It’s not necessarily it’s not time to punish you. It’s not time to pick the discipline and it’s not time to figure all that out. It’s time to help them teach them there’s a bigger purpose here, teach them how to get out of being emotionally charged and how to cool down.
And it might become a positive to take a break in the room versus a negative.
I have to tell you guys, like, there isn’t a lot of like having to give consequences to our kids, because usually when we talk about things, it just doesn’t really happen very often anymore. Now, of course, there’s some things that are habits, right. That are hard, harder to break. And that’s where you as parents get to have patience and you grow in your long suffering as you’re walking through your kids, figuring out how to have self control over whatever bad habit it is. Right.
But I will say that the number one reason I believe I this is an opinion, OK?
The reason I believe so many people struggle with having peace in their home and they struggle with their being yelling in their home is simply because those parents don’t take the time to do the hard work.
Which is what I mean by the hard work, is that it’s actually not physically hard. What it is, is that it’s it’s patient work takes time. They take it takes time. They don’t take the time to be patient and to sit and to listen and to have those communication conversations. Yes. That’s what this is really about, as if you were having more conversations with your kids. And this is something that we’ve learned from experience over the last twenty years, you guys, if you take the time to talk it out. If you take the time to listen to your kids and then you then you say, OK, now can I have a moment to share some of my observations with you?
They’re usually pretty reasonable and they listen.
Now, here’s what’s really important not to do as you’re listening. Sometimes parents can restock the fire. You can restoke by pulling out in front of them. It starts to fizzle down and then you go, boom. But this and then. And then there’s anger again. And kids do that to each other. Right. To it, to their parents. So so we all do this.
And it’s important to really one of the worst things you can do is make someone not feel heard or listened to in conflict. And some people need to say a lot of words before they actually feel heard. This is personality driven too, and some people say very few words and they feel heard. And some people it takes a lot of trying to get any words out so that then they feel heard. And so there’s different approaches with different people. And you got to learn your kids and you got to understand and don’t impose the way you are, which is maybe like me, if I could have a tendency of not wanting to hear too many words, OK, so I have to have to have longsuffering, have to stay the course and have to have this conversation in my head, or this person needs to tell me lots of words.
Even if I already got it. I’m quick. I got it. I understand what’s going on. If I say something right now and say I got it, that’s going to put them in further emotional termoil.
Right, because they will be like you can’t get it. I didn’t even tell you. And you don’t know what I was going to say. Right. And so how many of your kids might potentially be thinking that and they just need to get quiet because you’re the parent and you’re like, no, I told you, go to your room or you’re grounded or whatever. Right? And they go away and they think, my parents aren’t listening to me. They don’t know what was going on. They don’t really like it. Literally, one thought spirals into another because the kids haven’t been taught how to take their thoughts captive under the obedience of Christ.
And let’s talk about depression for a second. We’re not experts in depression by any means, but let’s talk about depression for a second. So if the kid goes to the room and then they go on the spiral and just talking about they go, my mom or my dad doesn’t understand me, and then they take it a step further because we’re in emotional, we start taking things too far and then we go, they don’t know me. And then we might take it a step further as a kid and go, nobody knows me. And then they take it a step further and go, Nobody likes me, I’m not worthy.
And they take all these steps. And it could be triggered by a consistent riff with parents in a consistent way parents are dealing with them, gets them to start believing on these lies, because what’s the enemy trying to do is trying to help them believe lies. So you don’t want to feed the enemy believing lies because you can’t have self-control and conflict with your kids and therefore you can’t guide them and teach them out of losing control.
So what’s interesting about this verse, I think is really important, and that’s just dawned on me is it says in you fathers do not provoke your children to wrath. But but in when it says but here, it’s almost like it’s saying, but instead do this, OK, so don’t provoke them. Don’t provoke your children to wrath. But so here’s like the actual answer for how to raise your kids the opposite of provoking them Drath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. What’s the admonition of the Lord? It’s understanding what God’s word says. If you’re not teaching what God’s word says and you’re not equipping them, it’s not even just about teaching them, you guys. It’s it’s equipping them with how to communicate in a way that is kind. I mean, think about all the verses out there that say, as far as it is, as far as it is possible for you to be at peace with everyone, there’s verses on being kind and tender hearted and loving toward one another. In fact, let’s read one of them. It’s in Ephesians four, right. I think verse twenty nine says no, let no corrupt one word proceed out of your mouth. But what is good for necessary edification that it may impact grace to your he hearers and then it just continues on.
It says let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamour evil speaking be put away from you with all malice and be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. The reality is as if you’re not walking in this and you’re not walking and being kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another in your marriage. Yeah.
If you’re not being kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another to your kids, even as God in Christ forgave you, then your kids are not seeing the gospel and they’re not going to be attracted to you. Just say no, you need to believe in Jesus. If you’re not walking out the things that are in the word of God, this would be the admonishing. What was it? Oh. Admonition of the Lord. Right, so just thinking about what is the Bible actually say, we’re good.
And and we need to just remember that in this we are we are responsible for one modeling what the word says two teaching our kids what the word says, and three, equipping them with the tools of what the word says so that they can live a better life.
Amen. So we have covered one of the four key so far. So this is a two part series. And the second key was, is about yelling louder. And when we think that’s working and why it never works. And we’ll talk about that.
And then part two, we have two great tips for you. Train your kids on how to effectively communicate in conflict and how to diffuse yourself from yelling how to prevent that in the first place. So let’s finish this second tip and then we’ll be on our way. But this has been a stimulating conversation for I’m sure it’s helped a lot of you. So sometimes we fool ourselves to go in. The second point here that yelling louder works.
So there’s yelling going on and then the parent comes in with the bravado, not in a positive way, and they really lay it on and everybody gets quiet.
I know that I have the ability to do that. I know that Angie has the ability to do that. I am. And we try to make sure we don’t do that because what we’ve seen is, although it looks like it works, everybody gets quiet, everybody listens. And you can see inside yourself.
Oh, yeah. Good thing I spoke louder. It works. And you know what? It doesn’t work. It fails because. Yeah, you got their attention through intimidation. Yeah. You got their attention through being extremely angry and sinning. Yeah. You got their attention. OK, they’re quiet. They’re submissive right now. But why are they submissive.
Not because of love. It’s because of fear.
So you never want to do that. You don’t want to make them sick. If you’ve made that mistake, repent and ask for forgiveness. Ask for God to give you wisdom because he will help you with that.
It’s just not a way to be. A better way is to lead in the opposite way, gentle, quiet, with reasoned eye contact, separating people, listening, listening carefully, trying to understand, diffuse the situation with your calmness, not with your emotional lack of self-control that you think is self-control. And it worked. And so you keep doing it so we can anchor ourselves to be motivated to have bad behavior on a consistent basis with our family. And you don’t want to do that. Just because something appears to work doesn’t mean it’s working.
I think that it’s really important that people hear us say this. This phrase this phrase is, in my mind.
No where in scripture does it tell parents to control their homes like in a controlling way? That is a fleshly, arrogant, prideful, self-motivated action would be control.
Yeah, it does say that is to say a wise woman builds her home. That’s very different than controlling. And the important thing that we need to realize is that if we want to equip our kids to have strong marriages, to be good parents themselves, then we have to have that.
That’s key element that Isaac was just talking about in the element is humility, humility of when we do mess up where quick to apologize. We’re quick to change where quick are you quick. Are you honest?
You know, so many times in the podcast we’ve encouraged you guys to take the rose tinted glasses off and look at your kids. We got to take the rose tinted glasses off and look at yourself first. Yeah. And when your kids see you as a humble leader who loves them and wants what’s best for them, because that is what’s communicated to them, that you are on their team, that you want to equip them, that communication like this is dangerous and unhealthy and that you want to teach them how to have good communication habits. All of a sudden everything changes because they see your heart, they see your motivation, they see your intention. It’s not that you’re overly concerned with being embarrassed because of their bad behavior in public is that you actually love them and you want them equipped so that they can have a successful life full of good, healthy, godly, biblical relationships.
So just what behaviors might be anchored in your life that you think are good but are really bad that are that work in the short term, but in the long term are sowing discord, sowing?
My parents don’t know me, do understand me. I don’t have freedom to share. You know, ask questions and share, you know, aspects of who I really am and all these things, we don’t want any kind of fear based environment in our homes. And if you have validated yelling because everybody gets quiet and they finally listen to you, then you might be creating a fear based environment in your home. I know that’s something that Angie and I have purposed not to do in our family. We worked really hard on it.
Do we make mistakes at times? Do you make mistakes at times with things? Sure. But we have to be quick to repent, quick to apologize so that the kids then are recalibrated to go, oh, what Mommy did or what Daddy did was wrong. That’s not the way to be. If you don’t guess what you’re saying to them, that is the way to be.
And you’re a hypocrite. If you’re trying to hold them accountable for not losing their temper when you’re losing your temper like that just is not acceptable. It’s flat out not acceptable.
It’s one of the best ways to provoke your children, which the Bible commands you as parents, not to provoke your children. And so I I think this is a really huge topic.
We have covered quite a lot in this first episode. We will talk about it some more in the next God.
So good. We were thinking, what could we talk about? And, you know, when you’re on the road trip, there’s all kinds of things going on. Our kids are in the RV behind us and.
Yeah, and they’re awesome. But it’s but it’s just amazing how the spirit leads and boom. I think this might be the best episode we’ve ever done.
I think I think that we’d love to hear your thoughts on the practicality of it and the reality of this and families.
And if we solve this, the positive repercussions of this is just so great.
Yeah. So in the next episode, we’re going to give you guys some tips and tools on how to cultivate a more peaceful environment in regards to. So the contrast of a yelling environment and some really key strategies that I think are going to be helpful for you guys moving forward.
So, hey, share the movement and we appreciate it, guys. Blessings.
See you next time.