How to Stop The Yelling In Your Home – Part 2

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Episode Summary

If you want your kids to be respectful as well as respected leaders, they must know how to communicate effectively during conflict. This starts in your home, with you, and their siblings. You will get the strategies to teach your kids about how to resolve conflict with each other. This prepares them for the conflicts they experience in this uncertain world.

Relationship conflict will happen, but how you and your kids handle it makes all the difference. Teaching your children the biblical options in how to deal with offenses is the first step, but then learning how to communicate effectively in the midst of conflict is the next skill. Biblical Conflict resolution is one of the most important skills to teach your kids to equip them to launch into this uncertain world. In this episode, you will get the strategies to teach your kids about how to resolve conflict with each other in a way that honors others, even those who are different from them.

Key Points In This Episode:

  1. Treat your kids how you would want to be treated, but even more, how they would want to be treated
  2. Yelling louder might seem to work, but fails long term
  3. Train your kids on how to effectively communicate in conflict
  4. How to have self-control over yourself when the impulse to yell is coming

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Scripture In This Episode:

Proverbs 19:11 –The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger,
And his glory is to overlook a transgression.”

Matthew 18:15 – “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.”

Ecclesiastes 3:7 –A time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;”

Ecclesiastes 9:17 –Words of the wise, spoken quietly, should be heard
Rather than the shout of a ruler of fools.”

Proverbs 29:11 –A fool vents all his feelings,
But a wise man holds them back.”

Proverbs 10:19 –In the multitude of words sin is not lacking,
But he who restrains his lips is wise.”

Galatians 6:1-2 –Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted. Bear one another burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

Psalm 141:3 –Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth;
Keep watch over the door of my lips.”

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Full Transcript:

Welcome to Courageous Parenting Podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world. Hi, I’m Angie from Courageous Mom, and I’m Isaac from Resolute Man. We’ve been married 19 years and have seen the fruit in raising our eight kids biblically.

Based on the raw truth found in the Bible, we can no longer let the culture win the hearts of children. Too many children from Christian families are walking away from the faith by age 18. And it doesn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t be this way. Join us as we start an important conversation about effective parenting in a fallen world.

Welcome back to the podcast. Hey, guys. And if you’re a new listener, we are so glad you’re here. Obviously, we’re in season two and feel free to listen to all the new ones. But there’s a whole other season in season one, too. So we’re just so encouraged by how the podcast is growing right now and has a lot to do with the first part to the series. We’re going to do the second part today. Now, if you haven’t listened to the first part yet. No sweat. You can listen to them out of order. We’re going to cover the second Keys, but each episode obviously stands on its own, definitely go back and listen to it afterwards.

Yeah. So we were talking about how to stop the yelling in your home. We did part one last week. This week we’re doing part two and we have some exciting things to talk to you about. Maybe we should just do a little brief overcap of last week. Oh, super quick. Yeah. Yeah. So we talked about how to how important it is to treat other people how you want to be treated. And we talked about what the Bible really means in regards to that particular statement.

In addition to that, though, is also to treat people how they want to be treated, not just how you want to be treated. So both Yes.

Which is super good. Yeah. And so I really encourage you guys to go back, because I think a lot of times parents don’t necessarily treat their kids the way they would want to be treated if they were in a friendship or if they were kid when their parent was talking to them. And so I think that it’s really an important reminder for us to try to think back, put ourselves in our kids shoes. We don’t ever want to treat them in a way that is demeaning or going to embarrass them or shame them. This is something that is very near and dear to my heart. It’s something we’ve been talking about and preaching for a long time. The second thing we talked about was how yelling louder.

Will sometimes seemed to work, but it fails long term, so you’ve got to go back and listen to episode one.

Yes. So, hey, if you have shared the podcast or any of us social, we so thank you for that. If you’ve given us a five star review or ratings on iTunes, that is huge. Written reviews are huge. Some amazing ones came in. Some of the dads lately. Give me some excellent reviews. That’s exciting. It’s so encouraging for me. Obviously, when women do it, it’s encouraging to us. But I just love that. That’s why I’m involved, too, is to really speak to the dads side. So I love that. So anyways, thank you for helping us with the One Million Legacy’s movement. And it’s so fun to be part of what God is doing. And you’re a part of that, too. So I would say we should dive in.

Yeah, we’ve got a lot of scripture we want to share with you guys. So we are talking about yelling. Right. And why does someone yell? Someone yells because they are in conflict. So let’s ask another question. Why would someone be in conflict? Obviously, because of some kind of offense, either they have offended someone or someone else has offended them. That is the main reason for conflict. I think it’s probably one of the only reasons for conflict. Yeah. And so because there’s an offense. Right. And there could be many different kinds of offenses. And so we just wanted to talk to you about the process that we have gone through with our kids regarding offenses. Hopefully it’s an exhortation for you and your personal life, but also it’s kind of an outline, a two step process of what you want to be teaching your kids over the years because they’re not going to know this when they’re born. Yeah, OK. Kids don’t know how to deal with conflict and they don’t understand that they actually have to think through a process before they just engage in conflict. OK, and so the first thing they need to talk about is are they willing to overlook an offense? OK, so we have a passage, just a proverb for you. In Proverbs 19:11, it says, Good sense makes one slow to anger and it is his glory to overlook an offense. And so that is the key verse that we have taught our kids memorize with them. We encourage you to memorize with your kids, and then they have to ask themselves, am I willing to overlook this offense? And if not, then. They need to confront the events, absolutely. Then that’s when we take them to Matthew, 18. So you guys dealing with conflict is not something like I said, the kids are aware of and know how to do right off. Yeah. And so we’re just going to read through part of Matthew 18:15.

So if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three. By the way, we’re camping and we got our iPhones out. And so someone just tried to call us. So that’s what happens when we’re traveling. So we’ll just keep continuing here. But it’s so important if your brother sins against you that you that you do this in the Matthew 18 way that we just read. So it is a crucial thing to do. And by the way, when in conflict, it takes two to be in conflict. Right. And so that’s something that’s a good thing to help people remind them is the only thing they can change is themselves in conflict. And so it’s very, very hard to change somebody else. But you can actually diffuse conflict by changing how you respond and teaching your kids. That is really, really cool, because sometimes when we’re in conflict, we’re just going, why are they being that way? Why are you doing that? And you started thinking just about them. But it’s kind of fun, actually, to think about, hey, how can I get better at conflict, even though maybe it is someone else’s fault at first? How can I diffuse that and help them get out of their conflict strategy?

So in the in regards to this second approach. Right. So we talked about if they’re willing to overlook and then we’re talking about if they’re not willing to overlook them, they need to use a Matthew 18 approach and you have to teach that to them by going through the scripture with them. OK, if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. And so this is something that a lot of parents go, what age do you start having your kids do that?

Because it is something that kids don’t know how to deal with conflict and they actually need accountability. They need to be taught how to do that. And that’s a parent’s job. And so we have always encouraged our kids to explain, to communicate with us and to share with us when there is a conflict going on, especially when they’re under a specific age so that we can help mediate, so that we can help them to be able to learn what it means to be quiet and listen to not interrupt, to actually speak up and to encourage the other person to say to have to have their opinion, to speak their opinion, things like that. Right. And we’ll get into that a little bit more. But it’s really important that when your kids are younger, you are there, you are mediating.

You don’t just go go take care of it yourself. The Bible says to go take care of it yourself. When they’re really little, they actually need to be taught.

You have to teach them, and then eventually you will teach them as they get older to handle it, just them, and then only involve me if you’re not able to effectively handle it.

And I would say that if you are teaching them when they’re little, like their two, three, four or five, six. Right. You’re teaching them when they’re younger. By the time they’re like eight years old, that’s when you start going, OK, buddy, you know what you’re coming and doing and you’re tattling in that sense. If you already took care of it, you don’t need to tell mom. And if you haven’t taken care of it, then you need to go and take care of it. And you come to mom when they’re not willing to listen, because that’s what the Matthew 18 approach says, that if someone but if he does not listen, take your brother. Right. OK, so but if he doesn’t listen, take one or two others along with you that even charge so that every charge may be established by the evidence or two or three witnesses. And then if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. So this is a Matthew eighteen approach if your brother sins against you. And so you’re teaching your kids to go to the person themselves and to deal with it. And if that doesn’t work, then they come to you.

So what age do you think that changes?

I would say if it was different for every kid based upon the spiritual maturity and how they’re actually like getting it right. And also, I would say maybe even their personality, you have to evaluate like, are they the type of person that’s going to bulldoze the other person and manipulate the conversation so that that the conflict ends up in their favor every time when maybe it should not. Yeah, right. And so you have to look at their maturity.

Their ability to be humble would be a huge thing that I would evaluate. And so and if they’re truth teller and they really are someone who seeks the truth, even if it’s the truth about themselves and if they’re that type of person, I could say as easy as seven or seven. Right. If not, maybe by the age nine or ten. But you do want to be also like afterwards, do a little debriefing with them, ask them how it went. Because you want to find out if they’re the type of person that is bulldozing other people or if they’re the type of person that is dealing with conflict well.

Well, yeah, they are very good. I would say the next thing is listening. We’ve all heard the importance of listening as adults. We understand that’s important. Some of us believe we’re good at that and some of us believe we have stuff to work on on that. I would say that if we don’t believe we need to work on that, then we’re probably not being introspective enough because even people that are great at listening still need to work on it. It’s something that I find is a constant thing to work on and become better as a human being because we naturally will get defensive some quicker than others. But we all will tend to do that at times. And so it’s super important in Ecclesiastes 3:7 says a time to tear and a time to sew. A time to keep silence and a time to speak. So there’s a time to be silent and there’s a time to speak. And we need to know and have wisdom when those things are. The problem is when we’re entering into conflict, we start getting beside ourselves.

We start getting emotional. And when we’re emotional, we lose. We’re starting to lose control and we’re in a greater way losing control the more we get emotional and tied up in our feelings about things.

And so Ecclesiastes 9:17 says the words of the wise heard in quiet are better than the shouting of a ruler among fools. Wisdom is better than the weapons of war, but one center destroys much good.

And so it’s so important to listen. So now we have to model listening. You knew that was coming next. We always say that, don’t we? We have to model listening to our kids because they’re picking up on what we do well and what we don’t do well. And unfortunately, I used to teach this when I was in a business training thousands, thousands of young adults. I mean, I didn’t train them all, but I had leaders training people and so forth.

And I used to say that, you know, repetition is important. And remember that they’re going to follow your example maybe as good, sometimes better. Right? It could be arranged. But the things you do wrong, people tend to do way worse than you. OK, so if you’re just an OK listener, but you don’t truly listen to your kids, they’re going to take that and do it even worse. No, that’s not always true. But that’s just kind of what I’ve found in the Shepherd student relationship is a lot of times that’s the case, especially when people are really young.

So Proverbs 29:11 says a fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds back. And so this is in regards to OK, so says gives full vent to his spirit. This is ESV Translation. Other translations say something slightly different, but it’s in regards to losing self-control or having self-control. And so a fool gives vent to a spirit. They lose it. They start yelling, right. But a wise man quietly holds back. And we want to be of the wise as parents. We also want this for our kids.

So this is a really good proverb to memorize with your children and to just explain to them. Another one would be Proverbs twenty one twenty three, which says whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble. Another translation says guards instead of keeps. So that would read. Whoever guards his mouth and his tongue like guarding it keeps himself out of trouble. And so, you know, this is a good verse for not offending people, but it’s also a good verse for when you’re in the midst of conflict. Because don’t we sometimes when we’re hurt and we’re in conflict, sometimes we can say something that we don’t mean. And we need to teach our kids to not give vent to their spirit because it’s going to give them trouble, is what the Bible says.

So true. So let’s talk about what is good listening look like and how you describe that to your kids. Well, we can appear to be listening, but just thinking about what we want to say.

So real listening is suspending what I want to say to truly understand what they really are saying, because sometimes as soon as the fence happens in a conflict, we kind of put up our guards and we’re already ready to pounce and say what we have in our head. And as soon as that happens, we aren’t good listeners anymore. And so a lot of times too familiarity breeds contempt. You’ve heard us talk about that before.

And so in family especially, you will have a warm path of relationship and a warm path of where we take each other for granted. And so what you want to do is kind of have a clean slate and stop trying to finish someone’s sentences in your head. So I already know what they’re going to say, even if that’s true. If you don’t allow them to say it, they are going to start blowing up inside. Some people have more self-control not to let it come out. But if people can’t be understood, if people can’t communicate their thoughts. Feelings and articulate that then they’re really going to feel oppressed and then you feel like it’s unfair, and as soon as someone feels like the engagement is unfair, they either opt out or they get angry.

I want to take a moment and give you something for free if you haven’t got it already is the date night one. It is a beautiful document you can download that will have some key questions on it for your date night. Just get in alignment about what’s most important for your family. No matter what time of year, it’s always important to recalibrate. You can get that by going to courageousparenting.com and subscribing to our mailing list. Also, you can get all of our show notes and everything, a courageousparenting.com. And I also just want to share real quick about the Parenting Mentor program. So many families are being transformed by going through this. It’s the six week self-paced program with live engagement from us and even direct interaction. So if you want to join us, here’s a little bit more about it and you can find out more at courageousparenting.com

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What Angie and Isaac have done and creating this is literally phenomenal.

This program provided awesome scripture based teachings and just some really great practical applications. This class has just really rocked my world.

It has given me a vision for not just the different things that we might focus on as parents are trying to raise our kids basically like our kids are behaving or what we’re doing with discipline, but also the things of the heart.

We now have a game plan to how we want to raise our children. We have so many answers to the questions that have been in our mind.

It’s not just these hypothetical situations or it’s not just this. Here’s what I think you should do. It’s let me show you where in scripture this is.

Do your legacy a favor and yourself a favor and just do it.

One of the best things that we’ve done this year, one of the best investments we’ve made this year, and I could not recommend it more. We’re no longer fearing dark days ahead, but we’re so excited to raise the lights to be leaders for the next generation.

Yeah. So, you know, you guys, if you’re just starting to tune in and stuff, one of the things that’s really important to distinguish with your kids is are they the type of person that is talkative or are they the type of person that’s more quiet? Yeah, and so the things that Isaac and I are talking to you about, the Bible verses that you’re sharing, some of them may apply more to the talkative person. That’s kind of what we’re describing and talking about right now. And so I just want you to take a moment, take a pen and paper and maybe jot down your kids names and put a T next to their name if they’re more talkative and a Q next to their name, if they’re more quiet, that’s a good exercise to do and to go. OK, so what do I need to equip my kids with? Do I need to equip them with the knowledge of, hey, these are the practices, you tend to be more talkative. You need to be aware of how other people are feeling. Listen to this with me. Even maybe share this podcast with them, turn it on, let them listen, pause it discuss it with your kids. OK, so with the talkative person, they have a hard time listening is what we’re talking about, right. Yeah. And one of the things that we have a phrase that we’ve always used is, honey, please listen. And they’re like I am listening go. No, you need to listen and hear. OK, there’s two different things. You’re hearing somebody and listening can be two very different things. And Isaac always reminds people that pauses for the talkative person can seem like eternity.

So someone that’s wired that way, that’s very talkative, very outgoing, or just needs to say a lot of words. They tend to, by the way, process out loud, whereas the quiet people process in their heads and and they actually sometimes think it’s foolish that people process so much out loud. But it’s not. It’s just people are different. And so when you process out loud, you have to be careful not to run over people, because what you’ll tend to do is you’ll feel like you’re great at relationships and you’re talking and that means you’re doing a good job in relationship mending. But no, far more of a good job sometimes, especially in conflict is listening. Yeah, talk. But then pause. And then you know what the talkative person that pause feels like for ever and the quiet person needs a long enough pause to start talking. So the problem becomes is the talkative person feels a short pause and they feel like they’re not going to say anything. So then they just keep talking and the quiet person feels like they’re being ran over and never get a talk because they need a longer pause before they start engaging.

Yeah, so a good proverb. If you have a kid that does this, it tends to be talkative and interrupts a lot or maybe doesn’t let anyone get in a word in edgewise with the Proverbs 10:19 says when words are many, as we’re talking about a talkative, when words are many, transgression is not lacking, then it says, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent. OK, so there’s a good passage of scripture, a little Bible verse and scripture that you can memorize, that’s Proverbs 10:19. Another thing that is important to do when you’re talking to your talkative kid is to teach them about the quiet person and that it’s the most loving thing that they can do and be in the presence of someone that’s quiet, especially in conflict, is to love them by restraining their lips and really listening. And sometimes when Isaac was mentioning how sometimes people can be there, they’re listening, but really they’re thinking in their head and they’re not listening. They’re not hearing what the other person is saying. They’re thinking about what they’re going to say next or they’re thinking about how they’re wrong or there may be impatient and going. I already know what they’re going to say. There’s going to say this. And so their whole head is filled up with the thoughts of what they think, the other person saying so much so that they’re not actually hearing them. So here’s an important tool. Teach that talkative person how to do what’s called acknowledgement responses. So this is a very basic it’s actually a term that’s used in psychology and counseling. Acknowledgement responses would be something like when there is a pause because the quiet person is sharing something and sometimes they have to pause to think about their next thought to you want to teach your kids not to fill that pause in space with more words because that can actually confuse the quiet person and it can help them to forget what they were thinking about because they’re so good at listening.

And so to be loving, they want to remain quiet. Let the pause see how there was a pause there, let there be a pause and it’ll be uncomfortable.

You have to tell them you are going to feel really uncomfortable when you allow the pause to exist. They are the one allowing it to happen because they’re the one talking.

It’s just respecting the other people are doing their thinking in their head and not verbally processing their processing internally. And God made both kinds of people, both kinds of people are made in his image and they don’t need to change. They just need to be respectful of one another. The most respectful thing in that moment is to not interrupt so big old ex with a circle around it. No interrupting allowed and interrupting is not just interrupting someone’s words when they’re speaking. It’s also interrupting their train of thought. This is just something that dawned on me as we were doing this podcast. Is that like I tend to struggle with that. I’m just going to be honest.

I tend to not realize that the pause is allowing the person to get their thoughts thought through in their head. And if I start talking, I’m interrupting their thoughts and then they and it’s confusing and they can give up. And so the best way to love someone is to let them have the time to actually think about what they’re going to respond in, to have restraint over their lips. That’s what they naturally do, which is a good godly thing. We’ve just been reading a ton of scriptures about that. And so the talkative person can actually learn a lot from the quiet person and exercising restraint, but having acknowledgement responses such as, so what I hear you saying is and then they repeat it back or they can say, so correct me if I’m wrong, I, I hear you saying X, Y, Z, is that right? And what it does is it actually requires two things. When someone is able to actually give that kind of an acknowledgement response, they’re actually able to say, what I hear you saying is that that that that means they actually had to be listening before they could even do that acknowledgement response. Most people that are really bad at listening can’t repeat back what they hear them saying. And miscommunication and conflict is one of the biggest issues that makes unresolved conflict happen or remain right. Where there’s no reconciliation and there’s no restoration in relationships is when there’s a lack of proper communication. Someone says something, the other person hears something else.

That they’re not saying when you repeat it back to it prevents you from doing the head noise, preventing you from hearing. Exactly. Forces you hear. So that’s a good mechanism to you can teach your kids. Is that when they feel like that, maybe they’ve been just thinking about themselves, what they want to respond with, the things they can just instead repeat back what they said. And it gives you time to really listen, to get in that mode of patience and listen, and it prevents miscommunication.

But the other thing that it does, too, is that it helps the person who is more quiet. So all people are wired in a way where they want to be known. They want to be understood. They want to be loved. Right. And a lot of people don’t feel that way in life. And it’s really sad. And I think part of it is that there’s just a lack of communication skills being taught to children. I would say that adults even struggle with this and don’t have good communication skills a lot of the time. And so to really love one another, that’s what it does for the to the quiet person. If the talkative person is able to repeat back what was just said to them, then that quiet person feels understood, known and loved because they were it proves that they were actually listening to them. Whereas a lot of times when the talkative person is doing talking in their mind or they think they already know what the other person’s saying and they’re talking too much, then the quiet person in the relationship feels bulldozed over and they feel like the other person’s not actually listening. So the best way to diffuse that lie or myth that could potentially be something that’s a temptation to send for the quiet person is for the talkative person to repeat back what has been said. And that proves essentially to the other person that there’s someone worthy of being trusted, that they’re actually are listening to them when they communicate.

Now, the quiet person needs to stay the course. They need to seize the moment when there’s a pause and they need to speak and they need to speak their mind in love and clarity. And when the talkative person allows them to do that, the quiet person feels respected and there’s real communication happening. But if both people aren’t communicating, there’s not communication happening. Right. And then there’s conflict increasing. And just because the quiet person walks away without engaging in the conflict doesn’t make them better.

It doesn’t make them right. They need to stay the course and work it out. We’re not to let the sun go down in our anger. We are to resolve conflict. Now, you may be feeling like you’re getting some serious marriage counseling right now because all of this applies directly to marriage. And a lot of times opposites attract in marriage. And so one of you might be the talkative person and one of you might be the more quiet person. So let’s think about that in terms of your marriage.

We’ll do another episode just on that. Yeah, but I think this is important to think about.

So before we dive into how to disabuse yourself from yelling, right. How to diffuse yourself as a parent, this is the little parenting portion of this podcast. OK, there is a word in Galatians Chapter six that is important for every parent to essentially be thinking on meditating on on a regular basis, if not daily. And I mean, just read it to says brothers. If anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted, bare one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ. So this is really an important word for parents because do we deal with catching our children in transgressions? Transgression is another word for sin. Do we deal with sin all day long? Oh yeah. It’s the main job of the parent is to be constantly restoring our children, leading them through that confession, repentance, restoration, through prayer and all of that. Right. And so we if anyone is caught in any transgressions of any of your kids, are caught in any transgression. You who are spiritual. Right. So you’re mediating. You’re watching this. And you should be more spiritually mature than your child. Lord willing, you should restore him with a spirit of gentleness. Yelling is not a spirit of gentleness.

And then it warns us, it says keep watch on yourself. So don’t just be looking at your kids constantly going, you’re insane. You’re insane, don’t you? To says keep watching yourself, lest you to be tempted. Because isn’t it true that when our kids are yelling that we are also somewhat provoked or tempted to yell back? This says keep watch on yourself, less you too be tempted, bear one another’s burdens. So when I hear that bear one another’s burdens, I think of what love is. Love is long suffering. It is patient, it is kind, is gentle, it is self-control. We are to bear with one another with long suffering. So we need to be patient with our kids. We need to understand that they’re not just going to get it like that. They need to be taught these skills. They need to practice them over and over and over again. We need to be taught them. We need to practice them. Right. And so we will fulfill the law of Christ. And then here’s the next verse, which is verse three. It says, For if anyone thinks he has something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Woah. So remember, this is why we always take it back to what you model for your kids, you cannot be a hypocrite for if anyone thinks he is something he this is very dangerous.

We need to be humble as parents when we’re correcting our kids for yelling. We need to say, hey, I know I’ve struggled with this at times and this is not OK. So maybe if this is like a new thing for you, maybe you have a home that is yelling where it’s not just you like your kids are yelling at each other and you’re they’re yelling at you and you’re yelling at them. Maybe that’s your atmosphere in your home. You need have family meeting and you sit down and you read this passage of scripture with them and you humbly repent. You need confess to them that you realize that what you have done is wrong and that you know that you can’t expect them to be treating one another biblically. If you haven’t been leading them in that, you need to repent to them and say, hey, guys, I’ve been super convicted that I haven’t actually been parenting you biblically in regards to how we deal with conflict. And I’m really sorry. I’m sorry that I haven’t done it right. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. I want to love you guys. Well, I want to lead you guys well, and I don’t want you to continue this pattern on in your future families.

So we need to work together on this. Are you guys in would you like to talk about things more calmly or do you like the yelling? Do you know what I mean? And if you have little little kids, you can make this conversation much more understandable. Yeah. How does it feel when Mommy yells, how does it feel when your brother yells at you or when your sister yells at you or when your daddy is at you? We don’t like that, do we? You know, so you just bring it down a notch in your conversation level so that they can understand. You give them a voice, you let them talk about how it makes them feel when they’re yelled at, go. OK, so I don’t want to do that anymore. Do you want to yell do you want to make other people feel the way you just described? And they’ll be like, no, OK, so let’s pray together, let’s hold each other accountable. And that’s a whole nother topic. We’ll do another episode on about inviting your kids and giving them permission to call you out when you do send in these ways. Right. Because that’s an important conversation also. But diffusing yourself with yelling.

So you need to start, first of all, not the day a lot of people start the day in their flesh. What I mean by that is the not starting in the spirit. There’s only one or the other. Are you starting in the spirit or are you starting in the flesh, meaning you’re doing things on your own and you’re going through your day and you’re just running the day.

Or are you starting by surrounding the day to God in your prayers, reading the word, filling your mind with the good seeds and then asking God to help you in this area and others and give you wisdom today in your parenting and other things. And so it’s so important to start the day right. If you want to win the day, meaning no yelling, then you’ve got to include God, because on our own, we’re going to fail. We’re going to fall, we’re going to make mistakes. But with God, he can the Holy Spirit in you.

Wow, that’s amazing. And all of us believers have the Holy Spirit. Isn’t that beautiful? That’s amazing. But are you really relying on the Holy Spirit so the Holy Spirit can work through you?

Yeah. So start your day out, right. That’s the first number one most important tip. The second thing would be when you screw up, you need to confess it and you confess it to the person that you have sinned against and offended. And you need to apologize and you need to be sincere and genuine and you need to really think about this. So that can be a heartfelt, genuine apology. OK, not just sorry. And we need to we need to expect that from our kids, too. OK, so it starts with mom and dad and then trickles down to the kids. And it’s an expectation that we’re able to hold them to because we’re doing it ourselves. Right. And then we need to repent to God. We need to pray. Confessing is another aspect that, yes, you confess the person you’ve ascended to. But if this is a constant issue for you, I would say that accountability is like the the third or fourth thing that I would say is the most important aspect of this. You want to confess it to another sister in Christ, maybe your husband.

Hey, could you ask me the next time we see Each other if I’ve been yelling or if I have not been yelling better at that? I will always tell you the truth and only ask for accountability if you really are going to tell the truth.

That’s right. So to end this podcast, you guys, we want to just end with a psalm as a prayer for all the parents out there that are struggling with their yelling in their home. And it’s going to be Psalm 141:3, which says, set a guard. Oh, Lord, over my mouth, keep watch over the door of my lips. Do not let my heart inclined to any evil, to busy myself with wicked deeds in the company, with men who work in equity. Let me not eat of their delicacies. Let a righteous man strike me. It is a kindness. Let him rebuke me. It is oil for my head. Let my head not refuse it yet my prayers continually against their evil deeds and just continues on you guys. But I just want to. I encourage you that we need to be praying the word of God, specifically be praying scripture for ourselves, because this is a matter of self-control that requires the Holy Spirit help, especially if you’ve been raised in a home where maybe this is a legacy thing, maybe this is a generational sin that you struggle with that has been passed down from one generation to another.

Be honest about that. And just give it to God, so, father, we just thank you for this time that we’ve had together and we just ask Lord that you would give us self-control, that you would give us your heart to be able to love our kids. Well, to work on these things that we struggle with, to be able to lead them. Lord, if if any parent listening right now, this is a generational sin, I just pray that that would just that your spirit would overshadow them, that it would go before them and help them to create a new legacy. God, we thank you so much for your word and all the guidance, the truth, the exhortation that it gives to bring life, to honor people, to really love one another well and have long suffering and to forgive one another well. So, God, I pray that as these parents are dealing with conflict in their homes between their kids, that you would just give them the wisdom and how to mediate, how to teach their children the biblical principles that will lead to life and biblical friendships with one another for the rest of their lives.

Amen. Well, thanks for joining us. And we hope you join us in the next parenting mentor program. And if you haven’t checked out the homeschool blueprint yet, CourageousParenting.com also has all the notes from this and so forth. So we’ll see you next time.

Hey, thanks for listening to this episode. We wanted to quickly tell you about our six week online parenting program.

Isaac and I created a powerful biblical curriculum. Here’s how it works. Each week, Isaac and I release a video with a downloadable parenting packet to make it easy for you and your spouse to incorporate those teachings directly into your parenting.

It’s an incredible program where we cover everything from obedience training to overcoming mistakes most Christians are making. But more than that, it’s an incredible community. You have access to a private online group, live webcast and the courageous parenting text message line where Angie and I can send you weekly encouragement straight to your phone.

If you’re interested in joining our next online parenting mentorship program, secure your spot now at CourageousParenting.com

That’s CourageousParenting.com

Written By Angie Tolpin
Angie has been married to Isaac for 19 years and together they have eight children, whom she homeschools. She is the Founder of CourageousMom.com, a doula, the author of the best-selling book Redeeming Childbirth, and the creator of the first ever Christian Postpartum Course. Angie loves ministering to Women and has created a few online Bible Studies on Biblical Friendship and Motherhood.

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