“Thriving Marriage Communication Tips”

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Episode Summary

Perhaps the best marriage episode ever on this podcast!

Perhaps the best marriage episode ever on this podcast! God made you and your spouse different, and what he intends for greater teamwork, sometimes leads to conflict or misunderstandings. In this episode, you will get practical insights into different communication strategies and how you can overcome common barriers in marriage communication.

Main Points in This Episode:

1. Why communication is vital.

2. Understanding the differences in communication strategies:

  • High relational
  • Inquisitive
  • Practical
  • Driver

3. How to overcome barriers most marriages deal with.

 

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Scripture in This Episode:

Philippians 2:2-5 –Fulfill ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:”

James 1:19 – “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:”

Proverbs 15:1 – “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.”

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Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

Welcome to Courageous Parenting podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Hi, I’m Angie from courageous

Mom and I’m Isaac from Resolute Man.

We’ve been married for twenty one years and have seen the fruit from raising our eight kids biblically. Based on the raw truth found in the

Bible, we can no longer let the culture win the hearts of children. Too many children from Christian families are walking away from their faith by age 18, and it doesn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t be this way. Join us as we start an important conversation about effective parenting and the fall. Hey, everyone, welcome to the podcast, Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, you guys.

Oh, we’re so glad you’re here. We have an important episode, you know, with the number one tip to parenting is

Having a good marriage.

He meant that

Actually the number one tip would be a Christ centered.

That’s true. Other than that, yes.

Other than that, it is. That’s like an obvious given thing. But a lot of times people don’t understand or they underestimate the power of having a strong marriage and how that can impact the family culture.

Absolutely. So that’s what we’re talking about today. We’re talking about thriving marriage communication tips. And I think you’re going to get a lot out of this. I don’t know if you’ve been listening in a while, but we usually get a little more intense and energetic as it ends actually towards the end. I don’t know if you’ve noticed that, but we we kind of it’s like we build momentum as we go. So make sure you catch the whole thing. Just put it on like one point five. I’m sure you do that, even though we kind of we do talk pretty quick,

But we do actually. Comparatively speaking, I listen to some podcasts before and I’m like, I can’t speed it up fast enough. 2.0, it’s called 2.0.

Go, all right. So I don’t think I don’t think we’re beyond. At one point five, you message us if you speed us up even more than that, I’d be interested. I’d be curious, are you one 1.5 or two when you listen to us? If you say two point five, I’ll take it, but I’m going to be a little insulted, but it’s OK. Ok, well, we’re so excited to talk about this and what a great season. And you know, it also can be a hard season. We recognize that there’s tough situations around the holidays around Christmas sometimes, and we understand that. We hope and pray that you have people around you that can spur you on that you can share with. If you need prayer and prayer requests so you can message us, we’ll pray for you on social media and so forth. And so all of that’s important. But you know, at this time of year, really, regardless of our challenges, it really is about Jesus. I know that’s not the topic of this, but it’s timely. Now let’s dive into a couple of updates, and then we’re going to go to our first tip about communication. We are so appreciative of all the support and encouragement about the move to the app. It has been overwhelming. It has gone way better than expected, and I can’t believe how amazing that is now. You can be an important part of the ministry and not be in the app. So by no means does everybody need to be in the app. But there is an invitation there and it’s eight ninety nine a month and you can go look at in your app store what it’s all about. But not only is it worth more than that. That is where we’re putting a ton of new energy. The kid episodes are there to lots of stuff, different lives we

Do, which on that note about the kids episodes being there. Some of you may not realize this three months ago because we’ve got what, 12, 13 episodes that we’ve recorded with the kids. Yeah, it’s the Courageous Kids podcast, really. And we have just felt this deep desire to move them to the app. We were in complete alignment. I know that many of you guys have messaged me in your little sad that you don’t have those accessible for free anymore, but they are in the app for many reasons. And I think that when I share the first one, you’ll alone go, Oh, I get it as a mama bear. I’m wholly there too, and it’s to protect our kids. Yeah, we we just don’t want anybody potentially attacking the things that they are sharing on a on a on a spiritual level. And so we’re doing what we can to do due diligence. And part of that is putting the kids app only or putting the kids podcast only in the app.

And there’s a couple of other reasons you can listen to our change episode for all the reasons and so forth. But but it also supports the ministry, and it’s a small amount monthly that I mean, some people just give monthly to the ministries anyways. But we wanted to put something together where it’s way more valuable than what the cost is. But when lots of people do that, it really stabilizes the ministry financially, which is important actually. Yeah, to do free things like this weekly episode, there’s a lot of expenses you don’t think about it. I never imagined how much goes into doing an online ministry. Really, a lot goes into it. It’s my full time job and Angie’s part time job because she has another full time job called Homeschool Mom. So so she’s got the even bigger plate in some regards. But we do things together too in a lot of ways, so we’re going to dive in. We appreciate you being part of the one million Legacies movement, all the reviews. And if you’re in the app, give us a review there to. Would be more seen. The podcast reviews to super helpful. Communication is vital in marriage. We can all agree to that. But from our experience being around a lot of marriages, going to different churches, lots of different relationships we’ve had, helping people’s marriages and so forth.

I mean, marriage ministries at churches, one leading home group, there is

A common problem.

Oh, Mylanta, do not even get me started. I did not know he was going to set me up like that. The common problem is a serious issue of a lack of communication between the husband and the wife,

And I will say it since it’s on my sides. Problem is a lot of times I’m not going to say every. Almost all the time, almost it’s it’s the man, it’s the husband. It’s a lack of details, a lack of sharing on the husband’s side that creates secret contention and creates confusion and missed expectations and a feeling of not being loved. And I could probably do like 10 more hands.

I wow, I’m just like, Wow, he really is intuitive in this.

Like, I’m intuitive from good experience messing up.

Hey, obviously, we are going to be very honest and open like we always are in this podcast, and so we might even share some stories. But the real deal is that it’s interesting how everybody, every marriage tends to think that they’re awesome at communication. Have you ever have you ever come across a couple that thinks that they are the biggest experts when it comes to communication? And then you get to know them personally, and there’s all kinds of misunderstandings, and they never want to admit that it’s literally that they just didn’t have enough time to communicate with their spouse. What is so wrong or hard about saying, Oh, you know what? This is a misunderstanding. I’m super sorry, but my wife and I didn’t communicate or my husband and I didn’t communicate. It’s not hard to do. Yeah, and it’s so freeing. It’s kind of like when you’re wrong and your husband’s right or your wife is right to just say, I’m sorry, I was wrong. It’s so freeing.

Maybe you mean some of you are good at this, but others you might just want to practice what you’re driving. I’m sorry I was wrong. Just practice saying the words.

Maybe say it like ten times. I’m sorry I was wrong. I’m sorry. I was wrong. I’m sorry. I was. Yeah, and then all of a sudden, it’s like easier to come out. I still have a hard time saying that I do. Sometimes it’s true, but I would say Isaac’s actually pretty good.

As you know, it frustrates her.

Sometimes he’ll say it really quick, sometimes. And I’m like. But was that sincere?

Yeah, usually.

Usually most often you we were going to be very candid in this. But in all honesty, though, I am actually really good when it comes to like if we don’t communicate and someone comes to me and says, so I heard you guys are coming over and I didn’t know about that and I already have plans to do something else. I’m pretty. I’m very good at saying, Oh, I didn’t realize that that’s probably miscommunication between Isaac and I. I’m going to have to check with him and get back to you on that because I thought we had something else planned. And so like, I have no problem just saying what it is like if we haven’t communicated, that does happen pretty rarely. But when it happens, I’m like, I mean, why? Why would I put up a front that we’ve communicated awesome when we clearly have not?

So it’s important, I think, that we ought it look at, yeah, you know, how is the communication about things where misunderstandings leading to so much wasted time later arguing, wondering, making mistakes? Can I? You’re not an effective team unless there’s good communication

And at the heart of it, you guys listen. The problem is the sin of pride. Like at the root of all of this is pride, and pride is not just going to affect your marriage and your family, but it’s going to affect your relationships with other people when it comes to communicating.

It can also be not understanding how you’re wired differently or understanding, but not adapting to that. And we’ll talk about that in a

Suspecting the way that in loving the way that your your spouse was was wired by God, right? Designed by God

Different than you so that you compliment each other. You’re more powerful team when you got married, right? They probably said the verse that, you know, two are better than one. So do we actually live that it doesn’t just automatically happen. Sometimes two are not better than one by how their marriage is right.

It’s like way worse.

So we want that to be true. It is true when we’re acting maturely and Christ is at the center and we’re walking spirit. It’s absolutely true. The Bible is absolutely right. But some marriages are making that not accurate for them because their sin so high priority needs to be made on this. And sometimes we go, well, it’s just we’ve got four kids under six and we’re home schooling and this and that. And the other thing, and I’m just going to say this and don’t be offended, please. But whatever is the highest priority we will make time for.

It’s kind of like that saying, whatever is most important to you, you will make time for. Mm hmm. Which is an important thing to actually teach your kids to. But when you teach it to your kids, they’re also going to go, Oh, OK, so if my parents aren’t making time for me, it’s not important.

I would say it’s more important than sleep.

Yeah, and I would also say this is another reason why taking time to get a loan and like have date nights and communication like times privately is so important. I know that for Isaac and I, sometimes getting away can be harder because we don’t live like close to town and there’s not a lot around us where we are. And so we actually get more communicated when we come out to the studio than anything. Yeah. And so just coming out here to just quick powwow, let’s talk.

And I know some of you are like, Hey, I don’t have a studio. No, no, no, no. But you have a car. You have a car. You have a closet, you

Have a bathroom, you have bedroom, you like you laundry room, shut the door, like turn the dryer on so you can’t

See. You have to. Hey, you know, we have a few kids and just a few, and there’s a lot going on. We understand the challenge. We’re not perfect at it either, but make it a higher priority. We’re preaching to ourselves right now, too. We also need to make it a higher priority sometimes. But this is a good reminder for us and for you, for everybody. See the value. You have to have vision longer term of how you want your marriage team to be to do the right things today, even if a sacrifice is sleep or whatever the sacrifice is. So sometimes we will just stay up pretty late talking. Not always, but sometimes we do because it’s really needed and it was our only opportunity. And maybe that pain will force us to create better timing opportunities.

Yes, and sometimes we will literally be both having our AirPods in and be talking to each other while we’re driving people. Jesus.

Oh, in different cars. Yeah, like different places.

Or if I’m at home and you’re in the car and driving

Airpods, good at marriage investment. Right, OK. So that’s our first tip. And it goes with the scripture in Philippians two two through five. So Chapter two, verse two three five complete my joy by being of the same mind. Having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility, count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus. Now. I bet usually that’s not a marriage verse. No, I. My favorite marriage verses are non marriage verses. You know what I mean? Yeah, it’s like the ones that talk about how to treat other people.

All the one.

Why do why do we? Yeah, why do we talk about that in terms of how we should be at church, but not talk about that in terms of how we should be in our marriage?

Well, the reality is there are other scriptures. A lot of times people don’t connect all of the dots within the word of God, right? Like, you’re not reading the Bible and studying it for yourself and you’re not purposing to write, have the Bible written on your heart, which is a whole nother topic. But like for me, when I am in the word before I get to the word, I always I don’t know why this is. I don’t even remember ever being taught this, but I always say a little prayer. Oh, and I just ask the Holy Spirit to write these words on my heart that I would be able to remember them and recall them on a day that I would need it. Lately, in the last couple of years, the thought came back to me because when I was doing missions work in Turkey and I thought that I was going to go do that long term Bibles were illegal there in Turkey, and I had smuggled some into the country and I had also had to bring some out of the country. And it was a very I mean, there was some anxiety associated with it because back in nineteen, ninety eight and ninety nine, it was a closed country. And I remember thinking back then I need to memorize as much as scripture as possible because I might not be able to have my Bible on me when I need the word. And then, you know, then I came home and I ended up getting married and having kids, and I was I had the Bible accessible, and it’s not like it was something that was illegal or anything like that. And now, in these last few years, with how people have been treating Christians and censoring different material, I literally feel like I’m just waiting for Fahrenheit 451 to actually occur in my life real time. And for us, for there to be burnings of good literature and even Bibles to be illegal at one point, and that might happen in our lifetime, who’s to say it’s not going to?

Well, there will come. The first place that will happen is in the church and pastors will lose

Their portions of their tax

Status if they preach parts of scripture that go against what

Happens in Canada is already

Happening. And I would just encourage any pastors, wherever you are in the world, do not skip scripture, do not stop purposely actually preach those parts of the word and and ask for God to protect you. And you know what, if things happen, it’s it’s tough. But that’s going to glorify God in some way, and we don’t want to skirt around scripture, but that’s where it starts.

Yeah. So on this topic of like realizing in the last few years, I started praying that again because I felt like the Bible is so precious and I want to remember as much as I can. So I pray before I start reading the Bible and ask the Lord to really impress it upon me. But this is the thing. When you do that, you can recall more and different parts of the scripture come alive. So what Isaac’s talking about is some of his favorite verses that he’s applied to marriage or that have been the most convicting towards our marriage to him. And I would say to me for sure are often times just recalling different aspects of scripture and going, Oh, OK, so if we should be aspiring to be elder qualified later in life and we know what what Titus, we know what Timothy talks about regarding leadership and the qualifications of being an elder. And you’re like, I just want to be walking a good Christian life

Like and some people treat their neighbors better than their

Spouses. Exactly. But this is the thing. What is that scripture say? It says that those you that to be qualified, to be actually heading up a church, you have to manage your home well to be able to manage the House of God. And so when you know that scripture, then you read the scripture that Isaac just read that’s talking about not considering yourself more than others, but putting other people’s interests before your own being of one mind and being of one mind and all of these different things. You should be convicted going, Oh, if I want to be qualified to do this later in life that I need to get it right in my home first, because that’s what qualifies me to be able to do ministry.

Well, more importantly, your kids are watching and there’s lots of reasons for a good marriage. I mean, it’s just super important. Well, I just.

Can I just say a alone John, 14, like obey me because you love me? Like, do we love Jesus? Do we want our kids to love Jesus? Do we want them to experience the product of Jesus Christ having saved our souls, which is the fruit and how we love them?

Amen. So we’re going to go into our point two, and this one’s going to be some serious good meat here, right? So understanding different communication. Strategies, a lot of you’ve taken different assessments and things like that. What’s capturing an aspect of how people are wired differently in a lot of them come from the same place a couple of thousand years ago, right? So a lot of them come from the same kind of place and they are capturing there is truth to capturing an aspect of who we are. I’m not going to name any certain assessment here, but I’m going to talk about some communication strategies that you’re going to identify with. And it’s going to be a little interesting. And I want you not just to think of your spouse as we go through this, but I want you to think, most importantly, about yourself and how you defending your strategy even subconsciously, might be creating conflict with your spouse who has a different communication strategy. And even though you know the difference, we tend to really love our strategy best,

And it shows at times people will often impose their expectations of of how they handle things, thinking it’s the best way they impose that expectation on other people when that’s not like, that’s not how they’re wired to actually deal with this certain situation or whatnot. Now I’m not I’m not in any way saying that if someone bursts out in anger outbursts, for example, which is sin, OK, we don’t justify sin. We don’t like hold back and have a grudge, which would be another way that some people would potentially deal with conflict, right? Like that could be sinful, allowing a better route to take place, right? And so that’s not what we’re talking about here in this situation. We’re talking about like, literally ask yourself the question right now for just a moment. Do I think the way that I do things is always the right way? And do I expect everyone in my family to do that certain task or talk to me the way I talk to them in the same way? So if you do, then there’s an issue.

So think about that as we go through this, it’ll be more clear as we talk about this. What Angie just said and so there’s I’m just going to break it down into four, but really, you could be more nuanced and break this down into even 12. Right. But let’s talk about for here. So there’s the high relational person. It doesn’t mean other people aren’t equally caring about relationships, but this high relational person uses lots of words and really is more of that outgoing personality in talking and listening sometimes, but more talking sometimes, right? So then there’s the inquisitive person. These are good words. They’re all good words inquisitive, which might be a little more quiet, a little more reserved, and silence might be embraced by them before they respond. Could you see already where the high, relational and inquisitive person would have some potential conflict? The high relational might not wait long enough for the inquisitive person to respond. High relational just thinks they don’t want to respond. Then there’s the practical, more risk averse person where it’s no, I only believe what someone says at face value. Kind of kind of wiring, OK? And then there’s the real driver and they can be impatient, right? Because they want short bursts of information, not long, elaborate pieces of information, right?

So more about being productive potentially than they do the relationship.

But some, yeah. And sometimes they’re productive on the wrong things. They miss prioritize things. So there’s there’s positives and negatives of how everybody’s wired. And I think in communication strategies, it’s really important to start going, OK, how am I and how is my spouse? And usually in a marriage, they’re a little different. Not always. And that has its own unique challenges and blessings. So it’s important to look at that and it’s important to overcome some barriers we’re going to talk about next. But first, with all of these, what we all have to be better at is listening because just because an inquisitive person is silent, he may not actually, or she might not actually be listening. They might just be thinking about what they’re going to say and what they’re going to say next, or how foolish they are by saying what they did. And I’m not going to contribute because it seems like a foolish conversation and these kinds of things and a practical person could be like, OK, he said six things, and I need to write them down right now. And so I’ve shut you off already because I can’t write them down or a driver is just already, you know, looking at the phone and impatient. So there’s there’s problems. There’s problems, OK? So when you think about that, everybody needs to do better at listening and hears.

And just before you go into the scripture that you’re going to share with them, I want to encourage you guys because the four things that Isaac just rattled off this is super super just barely touching the top. The the top of this topic, OK? And the reality is, is usually people have a little bit of everything. There’s in some are maybe stronger in one than another or whatever, right? And like he said, you could even break it down into about 12 different types. So we’re just going over like the four most obvious kinds to give you guys an introspective perspective, if you will, where you’re able to really evaluate and go, OK, so people are wired differently, and that’s OK. I mean, the Bible even says in First Corinthians, where Jesus, he his body of Christ, which is here on Earth, that’s all of us that are part of the Church of Jesus, you know, and we have to realize that we all have different gifting because God and his goodness has dispersed the gifts among the body. Amen. And that is partially based upon how he’s designed each of us uniquely also. And then when the spirit comes upon us and we’re we have spiritual gifts that he puts in our life, he doesn’t give all the same ones to all the same people because it’s for the edification of the whole that they’re dispersed.

Here’s one of my favorite marriage scriptures. And you already know it. You’re going to. You’re going to remember this one that you’ve heard this before. It’s in James one 19. I love the book of James. When I was a brand new believer, James was my favorite book. It might be because I’m more of a driver personality, actually, that I like the book of James. Isn’t that interesting? Ok. So know this. My beloved brothers let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Wow, that’s about listening right there. That is such a good reminder to me. I often quote that, and I don’t always quote it perfectly. Sometimes I mix the words up because I don’t have a photographic memory like my wife seems to have, which is a wonderful gift. But I love that scripture, and I think we should do that, and you know, here’s a tip for you guys as you start to think about who you are and maybe the differences in your spouse, you already might know these, but think about this. We tend to operate naturally from a place of communicating how we’re wired to the other person. But the secret is, if you honor first in communication how the other person’s wired, you unlock receptiveness to what you’re saying. So even though you’re not at fault for maybe a conflict in communication? Potentially it could have been averted by changing your strategy and thinking about, OK, I’m high relational in my husband as a driver and gets impatient. Now he shouldn’t get impatient with his wife. It’s not an excuse for sin. You should live.

You should live life in an understanding anyway. Scripture says, yeah,

But if we’re understanding each other and maybe he’s busy in the midst of something. Maybe I remember. Ok, I need to cut my words down and get right to the point because he’s trying to go to work or he’s trying to do something, is that honoring that’s honoring? Right? Or if they if it’s an inquisitive person and and they’re talking to a high relational spouse, we might go, You know what? I need to share more information. I need to think less and say more because that’s going to honor my spouse. And they’re not going to wonder if I understand something. I can be also inquisitive. By the way, I can be a driver. I can be inquisitive, and sometimes I can get into the high relational. But I’m really more of that driver personality. And I have had to learn these things, and Angie’s very different than me.

Very much so.

So let’s dive in to overcoming some barriers.

All right. Well, the first barrier that can oftentimes be hard to break. I think that this is probably the hardest one, which is silence, especially if you are the type that you get offended deeply and you hold on to things or you don’t want to deal with conflict. And maybe you are the type of person that will overlook an offense because the Bible says in Proverbs, it’s to a man’s glory to overlook an offense. And so maybe you overlook offense after offense, after offense, and you think that you’re doing the godly thing, but in reality, you’re not forgiving. You’re not actually overlooking overlooking means that you’re not going to bring it up again, that you’re going to forgive it and you’re going to let it go. But a lot of times people who think that they’re taking the higher road don’t actually forgive and they don’t actually let go. They hold it deep within them and hold a grudge. And so this scripture is really important one we’ve taught on it many times to people, especially in regards to teaching your kids that when they’ve been offended, there are two ways they can go about it. You can either overlook it or you can go the Matthew 18 approach and confront your brother who sinned against you. And if they don’t listen, then you take another person and then you take a couple more, right? Yeah. And we all should be practicing biblical conflict resolution in this. The the hard part, though, is that when people think that they’re doing the higher road of overlooking an offense, but deep down inside, they’re not and they’ve got that grudge and then it happens again and then it happens again and then it happens again and they get their silent about it. Mm hmm. And the reality is that clearly that silence is going to hurt that person because it’s become a bitter root, right? That’s just one example of silence. Another could be just even in conflict. Maybe having an attitude. Maybe your silence is more of an attitude problem than it is.

All those things can happen where it’s manipulative or it’s a strategy to win an argument, these kinds of things, but there’s a whole nother side of it, of it being a natural part of who you are. And whereas, you know, five or 10 seconds of silence or three seconds of silence for a high relational person seems like an eternity, but for an inquisitive person is required for a good response. And so if you have a marriage where you’re very different, if one spouse and this, by the way, could be the male or female, if one of the spouses feels like three seconds is a big silence. And if someone doesn’t fill that silence within three seconds, they need to talk because it makes them feel uncomfortable. Then potentially what’s happening is the other spouse is not fully communicating because they don’t have enough time to think of their words now. There’s no difference in intelligence. This is really important to understand. It’s a difference in how minds work and how people process information and

How people deal with

Conflict in one person. They want to think through what they’re going to say before they say it. Another person. More talks from their sleeve, if you will, and just what? What goes into their head just comes out. They’re more prone to say the wrong thing, and inquisitive person is more careful in making sure they say the right thing. But then there’s challenges in the relationship. So I would just say, if you’re the person that talks more in the marriage, there might be an opportunity for you to talk less and encourage the other spouse to share their heart more to understand their opinions in these kinds of things. And by the way, silence is incredibly powerful. It’s incredibly important, and if you don’t like silence, might challenge to you is to start to like it. Even with your kids, your kids are all wired differently than you to. And you know what? Some of your kids might be growing up learning how not to communicate, not to be fully who they are because it takes a good amount of silence before they’re willing to participate in communication, before they’re feeling confident and communicating their thoughts. And if it’s too much silence for you because you want to get on with things or you feel like they weren’t going to say anything, so you feel it, then you might want to think about that. It’s a really, really important thing.

So the next barrier that we want to talk about overcoming is an overt communicator. So obviously, we just talked about the complete opposite of that. Over communicators can overload the person that they’re trying to communicate with, and sometimes people don’t actually have the capacity to remember all the things they actually. And it is a thing where they they are so thoughtful that they want to take the time, they want to remember the things. But some people are just not wired and oftentimes this is a female male thing. I’ve noticed it even just in raising our boys and our girls that like when our boys were younger, I remember just being kind of like, Oh whoa, I can’t give them more than two tasks. Otherwise they forget the third, the fourth and the fifth. But with the girls, it was easier to give them six or seven tasks, and they could just nail them all in a row without me having to repeat myself twice. And so I think that there there is a certain element that might be gender related in this, but it also might be personality as well. And so I just think that when we’re evaluating these things, every person is different. And so we have to consider who we’re in marriage with and go, can they actually handle talking about four or five things at one time? Or is that going to overwhelm them and frustrate them? And we’re not going to make progress in the conversation? What is the most important thing that I need to talk about and just stick to one? Maybe. And so that would be the most loving thing that you could do for your spouse if you’re the over communicator in the situation to just pick one or maybe two things to communicate about and not to bring up other things into it, even if it reminds you of something else to just stop and let it be those two things,

Especially if there’s conflict, if if you are over and over communicator, you might. Have a whole litany of things that are bothering you, and it becomes like instead of a little hammer of like, Hey, let’s be aware this when you talk about this, it becomes a sledgehammer. And I think that’s really important. So now I already said this, but here’s a barrier. Men don’t share enough. This is just an observation now, if you’re one of those unique men that share a lot. Good job, the rest of you. We need to share more. I need to share more. I, by the way, I would say in the last four years, I have become massively better at

It where there have even been times where I’ve said, OK, that’s all I really need to know.

But I have worn her out, which is, I wouldn’t say, a victory because that would be wrong. But I would say I’ve come a long ways.

It’s true you have come a long ways, but I will say that there is an element to where I think in marriage we build reputations with one another based upon our history in our marriages, right? And so this is where allowing one another to grow is super important because if I had just assumed that Isaac was always going to be the way he was, like the first 10 years we were married, for example, I would constantly feel the need to be coaching him all the time and and asking, like almost interrogating him, trying to get more information on things.

She means coaching like asking questions, trying to get info about, Oh, how did that meeting go? Oh, we’re good. I talked about this and this. Let’s just not good enough. If she was really interested in it, some meetings she doesn’t care about, but if she’s really interested in it, I need to honor her and I go and give more. Well, we talked about this. We talked about that, you know?

Mm hmm. And I think that this is especially important when it comes to the kids because obviously the kids hearts are always going to be massively important to the mama. Right. And so if there’s something that needs to be shared with your wife, for example, like just know, like her heart is already there to know what’s going on in her kids. And so just saying, Oh, everything’s good is not enough. It’s kind of like if you were to pick up your kid at school and ask them, How did your day go? And they were like, Fine, is that enough? No, that’s not enough. And so you have to ask three questions deep like Isaac always says, and parenting is the same in marriage. And so sometimes what needs to happen, though, is a brief, very succinct conversation where the wife just says this is actually something that I’m really interested in. Can you tell me more? Or that is really important to me, what else happened? Mm hmm. See how they’re communicating. That’s important to me. And if the husband hears that he should go, Oh, well, let me tell you more, then. Mm hmm. But you don’t have to have like the deep. I’ve just gotten to the place where I just don’t have to know everything about everything. And I don’t know if that’s comes with age and maturity or having a lot of kids and there’s a lot going on. But the reality is that you have to get to a place to where you trust one another with situations and with. People and with things, right, and so sometimes like I know that for myself, especially when it came to like relational things I really wanted to know like and how what did they think about that and what how what were you perceiving for them from them? And a lot of those questions would come from me because I cared so deeply about the relationship and I wanted to also be praying for that particular situation or whatever.

Hey, what’s the ultimate goal for all this stuff? We have a couple more for you, but what’s the ultimate goal is that your marriage glorifies God, that there’s something different that to do become one, and it’s more powerful for the Kingdom of God. It’s incredible. It’s contagious, and it’s there’s so much alignment and teamwork in truthfulness because of this complementing each other and using each other’s strengths and shoring up each other’s weaknesses instead of being in competition with each other, which is the next point is the next barrier is both competing against each other. And this sometimes happens with two high relational married or a driver in a high relational. This can happen with any type, but sometimes we’re competing.

I would even say to how people were brought up, like their upbringing has a huge impact on if they’re competitive as well. Mm hmm. And what I mean by that is if you grew up playing sports, I know I’m just or anything that could be competitive, right, then potentially there is competitiveness literally sewn in your heart to where if you are the jealous type of person because you’re competitive with your spouse and he’s out during the day or something like I’ve struggled with this in the past, and I actually wrote a blog post about it a long time ago about how I used to struggle with Isaac when he would go and travel for work because I knew that he was also having like nice dinners with his team and with different people that he was working with. And I was at home, potentially with a sick kid or potty training nursing up in the night, and I was alone because he was traveling out of town. And those years were the hardest for me, not necessarily for our marriage, but they were the hardest for me because I had to really evaluate, where is this jealousy rooted from? Like, where did that start in me and how do I one like, how do I grow and change out of this so that I’m not struggling with this anymore? And a lot of times I think that women don’t put a voice to that. They don’t confess that sin and work towards really getting to the core problem that’s deeply rooted in their hearts, which is competitiveness and men.

We need to go overboard and recognizing the value in the wives contribution, whatever that is in your marriage. There is biblical roles and there is in a lot of marriages, someone at home and so on, working a lot of times with the wife at home and the man working. But I know there’s unique situations out there too, and I just think it is a big job to do what I know my wife’s doing at home with the kids. It’s just an incredible job and we need to go above and beyond to honor that, recognize that, appreciate that and give value to that. I was going to tell a quick story. I was in the barbershop today and a bunch of guys were in there. Only there’s only a guy on barbershop and and tough guys, you know, macho guys and and they were just this topic came up about. And it was funny, and I don’t even think they were all believers or anything. I don’t know. It didn’t quite seem like it, necessarily. And they were talking about how we need to honor the stay at home moms role. And they were. And by the way, there was F-bombs going off and things like that. But they were like, they should weak men that don’t appreciate their wives. Bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah. But they were just going off and I’m just like, I didn’t like the language, but I was like, smiling. I’m like, Yeah, these are cool guys. I mean, they they’ve got some things right here. Something’s really right about, you know, honoring wives and so forth and what they do and appreciating the value.

One of them was talking about how he was in the service and, you know, one of the special forces dudes. And he was the guy cutting my hair, actually. And he was talking about how when he came back, he was the staying at home for several months and for a period of time, and he was in that role and just how humbling it was and how important it was to really appreciate his wife. And I thought that was really amazing. So anyways, a little tangent there. But yeah, I don’t think we should compete. We men, we need to really appreciate our wives. And then. Point two points here is assuming assumption is the death of good communication. Oh yeah. Assumption is the benefit of being married is we know each other really well and the detriment of communication is that we know each other really well. And so because you can easily assume based on all the rhythms of communication from the past, what they’re about to say and then we can get ahead of it and interrupt and make our point. And the the biggest detriment to good communication is when someone can’t complete their thoughts. So we really have to make sure we’re allowing space, even if we think we know what they’re going to say to complete the thoughts. And a lot of times you’re going to be surprised that they say something different than you thought when you let them finish. And that’s important.

Yeah, I mean, we all need to realize that none of us are telepathic. Actually, that’s not a thing. And and even if you were to guess, you might be right sometimes, but you’re probably wrong more than you think you are. And this is what I was talking about when I was mentioning how important it is that to recognize that we all build a reputation for ourselves and with each other. And so but at the same time, we need to let each other grow. And what I mean by letting each other grow is don’t just assume, like Isaac is saying, that you know what they’re going to say, or that the pattern of how they’re going to respond is going to be the same. If they have Jesus in their life and they are seeking after him, anything’s possible. And the way that they potentially used to respond in sin to one particular kind of trigger, for example, might be completely different because of the power of the Holy Spirit in their life. And that’s what we should hope for. That’s what we should call out and one another. In fact, how amazing would it be if this was something that you potentially struggled with in your marriage, assuming that you knew what the other person was thinking or about to say? Ok, imagine if you just bit your tongue and you didn’t say anything and you let them speak, and it was not the same thing and you were like, Wow, you know what? You’ve really changed because I thought you would have said this and you call out the change in each other and you encourage one another in that. How awesome would that feel like? Imagine if you were that person and and they were your spouse was assuming that you were going to say certain things. But he was quiet and you just said something, and it ended up being very different than what he expected. And he was like, Whoa, it

Was not what I thought she was going to say. And the final point is maintenance versus deep communication. Maintenance is the one that’s easy. It can happen all the time. Make sure you get groceries, make you pick up this, do this. We need to do this. This is happening. This is happening with the kids, OK?

There’s a lot of that to happen. All right.

Our maintenance talk could never stop. So we just have to stop it and choose to go into deep communication. And you just need to do that because there’s so many maintenance things you could probably talk about. Oh, the gutters need to be cleaned. When are you going to do that? How are the lights on the house yet? Or, you know, when so-and-so coming over, they’re coming over here? Ok, let’s make sure we talk about this. This is an issue with this friend. Oh, we got this and the kids are going here and oh, are we going to keep them here or we’re going to go there?

But that’s the point, right? Like how exhausting can maintenance talk be? It can be draining. And if someone doesn’t actually get to like half of the things on their maintenance list, then it’s all talked about again. The next day. Let’s make sure that our communication with our spouse is first and foremost, God honoring. Yes. Secondly, that it challenges us to grow and be better, and that it’s loving and kind like a lot of the verses out there that are about all the all the one another’s. We brought these up before, right? Consider others more than yourself. Consider others more than yourself. How much more does that actually? Like, if you practice that in your marriage, how impactful would that be? Huge. Like sometimes I feel like and I’ve seen this just even sitting in a restaurant, and sometimes I’ll I’ll watch how people interact, right? If they’re all just sitting on the phone all the time now, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t times when Isaac and I go to a restaurant and we are on our phones because we’re literally like on a working date and we’re trying to get work done. Like we just did that a few days ago and it was super productive when we were Christmas shopping and stuff. But there are times when I’ll like, look around and couples that are just literally they’re just scrolling, they’re not talking, they’re not communicating when this is their opportunity to go deep. Like, we just need to we need to see what it is that is potentially preventing us from going to those special deep. Authentic places where our hearts actually connect, because sometimes it’s not maintenance mode. Sometimes it’s distractions versus deep.

Someone once said Thoreau, maybe some philosopher. Most men live quiet lives of desperation, and I would just edit that. And I would say most spouses live lives of quiet desperation. So they’re sitting in a restaurant. There are actually deep things that they need to talk about, and they’re so distracted and so scared to actually talk about them and or how to bring them up. And they’re kind of living lives together, but also a little bit separated in their in in what’s in their head. And that can be very sad. And so I encourage you to get out of that proverbs. I want to finish with Proverbs 15 one. A soft answer turns away, Ruth, but a harsh word stirs up anger and it goes in to talk about the tongue. You can read more there. We hope this was helpful. There’s so much more. This could be a full day seminar what we just talked about.

No, it totally could, because I’m even thinking about other barriers that we didn’t put on our list. Like, I mean, we were just talked briefly about distractions, but like, what about body language, right? Like, this is a huge deal, like making eye contact with a person that you’re actually talking to versus looking down like that’s one of the most dishonoring ways to communicate with someone. And so like recognizing that that that’s a barrier for going deep, you know? And if you want to have a strong marriage that is actually going to be thriving, you have to be willing to prioritize and go, this is not as important to me as you, a man.

Well, thank you so much for joining us and we’ll chat with you next Tuesday.

See you next time. Hey, thanks for listening to this episode. For more resources, go to courageous parenting and courageous mom for free online workshops, blog posts and best selling courses. Also, we wanted to quickly tell you about our six week online parenting mentor program. Isaac and I created a powerful biblical curriculum. Here’s how it works. Each week, we release a video with a downloadable parenting packet to make it easy for you to incorporate those teachings directly into your parenting.

This is an incredible, self-paced program where we cover everything from obedience training to overcoming mistakes most Christians are making. But more than that, it’s a supportive community. You’ll have access to our private online group, live webcasts and the courageous parenting text message line. Randi and I can send you weekly encouragement straight to your phone

If you’re interested in joining our next online parenting mentor program. Secure your spot now at CourageousParenting.com

Written By Angie Tolpin
Angie has been married to Isaac for 19 years and together they have eight children, whom she homeschools. She is the Founder of CourageousMom.com, a doula, the author of the best-selling book Redeeming Childbirth, and the creator of the first ever Christian Postpartum Course. Angie loves ministering to Women and has created a few online Bible Studies on Biblical Friendship and Motherhood.

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