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Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

Welcome to Courageous Parenting Podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Hi, I’m Angie from Courageous Mom and Isaac.

From Resolute Man Together pursuing the mission to impact 10 million families and their legacies for the Kingdom of God.

We’ve been married for 23 years and are seeing the fruit from raising our nine children biblically. Based on the raw truth found in the Bible.

We can no longer let the culture win the hearts of children, as too many from Christian families are walking away from their faith by the age 18. And it doesn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t be this way.

We’re praising the Lord that the ministry continues to expand and impact more legacies. We couldn’t do this without you. Whether you pray for us, give us five star reviews, or share on social.

Or even if you purchase courses and merch, or join the Be Courageous app community, enjoy the coffee or support financially. We’re so thankful you are a big part of the 10 Million Legacies movement.

If you want access to all the episodes, show notes, and other biblically based resources, go to Be Courageous Ministry.

Ministry.org. Join us as we start another important conversation about effective parenting in a fallen world. Hey. Welcome everybody.

Hi you guys.

Courageous parenting fellow courageous parents. I just so appreciate you all.

You know, guys, we have been doing this now for. Do you realize it’s getting closer to when we started the podcast? I was just thinking about it.

Six year.

Anniversary. It’s coming up in a couple months. We should do something really fun.

Oh, yeah.

For absolutely. For you guys special. You know, we appreciate so much the the ratings on Apple on Spotify. The reviews super encouraging. We have over 2000 now ratings.

I mean yeah it’s been that way for for a long.

Time which is incredible. But you guys have just been so generous with with your taking time to encourage us and to leave a review, it helps to get the word out to other people about the podcast. It helps with the rankings, right?

Yeah, just super quick update. This is such an important episode. Making sure influences on your family culture are right. I mean, I can’t think of a more timely, important, uh, episode. There’s a lot going on in the world. There’s the elections. There’s obviously, uh, Halloween about to happen. There’s, you know, Thanksgiving coming up, then Christmas, family events, lots of things where family are getting together, potentiality for divisiveness and things like that. What we have to do is make sure our kids are protected, while at the same time loving other people the best we possibly can. And we got to find that happy medium. We’re going to give you four steps in a little bit, but I do want to just give a quick update, which is were those three shows every week now, which is heart of the home on Mondays. Right. Courageous parenting on Tuesdays, Resolute man on Wednesdays. You can subscribe wherever you listen. Um, also, the Be Courageous app has them. Plus it has all the extra stuff for heart of the home. The full episode and timeliness. The one on podcast is 28 weeks behind, which is fine. It’s still great content, but you don’t. You don’t get the whole thing and you don’t get the Q&A and you’re not a live option and community and all that stuff. But anyway, so be courageous wherever you get your apps, do that. And by the way, now it’s completely free for a few days. We decided to make it free for three days for anybody, and you can decide if you want to keep it or not. So that’s kind of cool. And we’re just on that track still, and I appreciate you being with us of attempting to impact 10 million legacies with godly resources to help marriages and parents, too.

That’s right. So, okay, today we are talking about making sure that your influences on your family culture are biblical or godly. Being intentional as parents, understanding that you have a jurisdiction to protect your kids, that you have been called by God to teach your kids God’s commandments, which also includes biblical virtues, if you will, or godly attributes. And so we’re going to be diving into four different passages of Scripture today, um, really targeting and honing in on like what is what are the marks of a true Christian? What are the fruits of the spirit? What are how do you, as a parent, discern what are good and bad influences in your family’s cultural life? Understanding that people are influenceable your kids are even more impressionable the younger that they are. And so this is a really important hot topic.

Also, the people that are non-believers, that we care about, that we’re trying to be a light to, that we want our children to be a light to as well, but at the same time not sacrificing the purity and things like that of our children.

So, Isaac, you know, this is an interesting topic. You guys might be wondering, well, how did you come up with this topic idea? Well, I’m just going to share. It’s literally the most yes, it’s the most asked question that we get whenever we’re doing our lives in the Be Courageous app, in the parenting program, or in just even in the app, is conversations regarding boundaries with people who maybe are not like minded. Or how do you love a neighbor? Well, while they’re not walking with the Lord. And maybe they’re a bad influence on your kids. Like, we get all kinds of questions about this. This is the hands down most asked question next to like, obedience and disrespect.

And I would assume that you have different levels of relationships, right? You have those people you see once in a while and you’re friendly with, and then you have those people that you’re trying to go deeper with, and then you have the people that you are in deep relationship with that are really like minded, that you feel good about your children being influenced by. And I think it’s very important to kind of recognize that. And that could be changing at times, right? People going into different kind of buckets, for lack of a better term. But you’re trying to love everybody well, but never at the sacrifice of your family. And if you treat everybody the same kind of in your mindset, then you might be sacrificing your children in some ways. And so let’s look at this scripture right here. Second Corinthians 614 through 15. Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Bilal? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? So I think that’s important to think about. And it’s not that we don’t spend time with unbelievers. Absolutely. We are called to evangelize. We’re called to love people well and so forth. But we do have to be aware of that. The children are so impressionable. Yeah, they look up to other people so easily, and you want to make sure you’re not accidentally having them being influenced or starting to look up to people that are swaying them in the wrong way. All it takes is a little sway incrementally over time. That creates destruction over a long period of time.

You know, what’s interesting about this is that this is saying do not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever. Right? But you know, what’s interesting is that there are many people out there that will call themselves Christians and believers who we would even consider like, oh no, this is an unequally yoking type of situation. As far as like deep friendship. No, there’s going to be like boundaries. They’re going to go in a different category as far as friends and how much influence we allow them to have on our kids lives. And that’s using discernment, wisdom we’re going to talk about in today’s episode, a four step process. We’re going to give you the most important things that you need to discuss with your spouse in regards to discerning who you’re going to allow to have influence, because this is the thing your kids trust you. Your kids know that you love them. So whoever you are allowing in your life, your kids are going to think you’re endorsing actually. And so we need to be careful as parents understanding that it’s our job to protect and train and teach our kids. It’s not anyone else’s job, so don’t over delegate, but also make sure that you’re guarding them against false teaching, or against people that are going to potentially cause division. And so we’re going to talk about all that stuff today.

Yeah. But first.

Hey guys, we want to share with you about our one of our favorite sponsors right now, which is Master Books.com. We have been using their curriculum so far this entire year with a lot of our kids, not all of them. Um, and I personally am just so thankful because the biblical groundedness, the apologetics, the biblical truth that I can rely on where I don’t have to worry about filtering out a bad influence. Right? We’re talking about influences. Books are a huge influence on kids lives, and one of the things that I love is that regardless of the ages of your kids, if you’re doing multi-generational teaching like I am, where you’re educating multiple grade levels at the same time, I appreciate that you can use the same curriculum, right? Master books has stuff for each of your kids grade levels, but they’re just they grow with them, right. And what’s awesome is that you can also Personalize a specific year by getting the basics, but then kind of pulling out one history and putting in a different history if you’ve already studied that in a previous year.

And so they have lots of options for science, for history. And I I’m super thankful for that because as a homeschool mom who’s been doing this for 21 years, I have a lot of curriculums upstairs. I have a lot. And so being able to get something that’s new and exciting for me to teach, that’s important for me to enjoy teaching because then the kids, then the kids love learning. Like, if mama doesn’t like it, that’s not good. Which, by the way, can I just also say, if you are, if you are struggling with homeschooling or you’re getting into that rut, this is that time of year where people start like losing the oomph. I want to encourage you to check out the Homeschooling Blueprint course that we have. It is so good, you guys. It’s over six hours of teaching. Plus you get a homeschooling blueprint, blueprint roadmap that you get as a download that helps you. I have an entire video that goes through all the different kinds of curriculums and things like that as well. So go check it out at Be Courageous ministry.org.

But master books, what’s the URL?

Master Books.com forward slash courageous is where you can find out about the curriculum I’m using this year.

So go check that out. All right. So where are we starting with this.

You know, I think that the most important thing that we all need to realize is that, um, we need to step into our role as parents. So I’ve been thinking about all of the younger moms and dads that are listening to the podcast, and maybe that they need encouragement, that God chose them to be a parent. They they are building their life right now with their children, and they get to make choices. And it’s something like that whole concept, you know, we have a daughter that’s going to be getting married soon. And so I’m so excited. You know, as you’re preparing for different events and you’re reading scripture, there’s so many scriptures that kind of pop out in my head, right? Like a man will leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife, there’s this element of like, they are building a life. This is an exciting new season in their life where they’re going to be building their own life separate from Isaac and I, separate from his parents. And that’s an exciting and important thing. But I know that for so many of you, and I know that this is true because you’ve been going through either the courageous parenting program or you’ve been in the app and in the lives, or you’ve DM’d me on Instagram or whatever, and maybe you have an issue with in-laws on either side, or maybe it’s your parents impressing upon you their agenda and their will versus encouraging you with God’s will.

And so this is an important topic because that is a huge influence in your life. But also let me just encourage you that your Christian community is a huge influence also. So we need to take a look at like, what is your church community like? Is it actually biblical? Is there actual like mindedness there being careful because those can sometimes be the most Dangerous if they’re not actually walking in the word and walking in biblical truth, right? And so that verse that you read about being unequally yoked to an unbeliever, there’s also danger. And we need to discern by judging fruit that’s in someone’s life. What is their reputation? Are they kind. All of those things and making some wise decisions on how influential they’re going to be on our kids.

And there’s a difference from that. And being judgmental and judging fruit, right. We are called you can tell by the fruit the Bible says. So we are called to make judgments, but we’re not called to be a critical spirit being judgmental.

That’s very.

Different. And that’s very, very important to have a distinction on. And you’re walking strong with the Lord. You’re not going to be judgmental because that’s sinful. But if you’re walking strong with the Lord, you’re going to make good judgments because you’re walking in wisdom. So it’s really important. So, hey, we’re going to run through some things here, and then we’re going to give you the steps. First of all, do the influences around your children point them to Jesus or point them to the world. Be honest about that. Really honest about that, you know. Part of what could happen is maybe their intent. Intending their heart’s intent because they’re Christians, is to point them to Jesus. But when they’re around, the TV’s just playing in the background. And what is that, a portal to all those commercials in the world, right.

All the ads that are indoctrinating your kids subliminally, or maybe even just boldly. So you just.

Just think about. Don’t think about somebody’s heart intent. Think about what actually happens. Right? Because that’s what actually influences your children.

Another good way to really judge this is is also like, what are the encouragements per se that your kids are receiving from that person, right. So are they actually being encouraged in biblical truth like trust the Lord? Why don’t you pray about it? Or are they saying, oh, let me do it, or oh, I believe this and it’s about them, right? So are they pointing other people? Your kids, are they influencing them to look up to them, or are they influencing them to look up to God and to seek God’s way? That’s good. And so that’s the difference, right? Like, we are human people. And so recognizing that no human is perfect and that we’re all sinners. Like there needs to be this overarching grace with people. But at the same time, understanding that some people don’t have the they actually do have a haughty spirit. That’s why God warns us against that, which we’ll read about that in just a minute. So the next thing is to judge if they create division in your family or unity in your family. I think this is huge.

Are there things you have to correct every time after they’re around those people? Right. Those friends, those extended family members, those people in the community. People at church. Are you constantly correcting or feeling like you should have but didn’t? Right. Even worse. And that’s a problem because over time that has an influence and it’s really important. You are when you are, especially when the children are young. You are authorizing people’s influence by who you put them around.

Yeah. You know, it’s it’s interesting because when you’re around certain people, you’re going to see if they one form of like creating division is if they’re negative about other people and they gossip. Right. Or they, they talk about people. Right. And so that’s something that like, as believers, we know what God’s Word says about, you know, holding your tongue and, and really being honest and working through like, what are your thoughts about another person? You mentioned critical spirit before. And that can come across with words or without words, right? And in your body language, which we’ll read about in in just a few minutes. But there is this need for us as believers to actually ask, as parents to go, do they undermine my authority with my kids? And and do they insult my parenting? Do they insult the way I’m parenting? Or or are they supportive and encouraging. Not to say that maybe you don’t need to be exhorted in some things or encouraged. That would be great as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens the countenance of another. But here’s the thing were they invited to are they people that you want speaking into your life, or are they more worldly and not actually grounded in biblical truth with a caring, loving, generous heart that truly cares about your well-being? Or do they want to just impose themselves on you? Right?

Yeah, I think we’re living in a time where if someone says they’re a Christian, that should not influence us very much on whether or not they’re trustworthy. Yes. And so I think that that’s why the Bible is so perfect in saying, you can tell by the fruit, but you can’t tell by the fruit until some time has gone by. And so you need to be paying attention to that and be cautious and be careful about allowing influence too fast with your children, with people, because you need time to see the fruit. And that’s really important. Right.

So do they create division in your family or unity is one another is do they entice your children to sin? Okay, this is like a big deal. Like, are they tempting your kids to sin? So this one I think goes in the peer influence category more than anything else, right? But there may even be family members or people that you like have babysitting. And what we mean by sin, it could be something as, as severe as watching, um, commercials that are going to be teaching a different, um, ideology on gender, for example. And they’re not like protecting your kids from that. And it could be something else that’s as simple as, like idolatry and like tempting them to, um, to sin in a different kind of way.

I think peer influences is this is where this is a big problem. Yeah, it’s a huge potentially with cousins, extended family, friends, people like that. And sometimes when they see somebody that’s being raised differently than them in a more pure way, they try and be that stumbling block that makes them feel better. And so we have to warn our children about that. If you see that happening, we have to talk to them about that. And we have to make some decisions about how we’re going to move forward in those relationships, which we’ll talk about the steps in a bit.

You know, it’s interesting because that does become a temptation, even in other sins, in regards to thinking poorly of them. And so it’s actually a refining time, as I reflect, it’s a refining time of choosing to have the fruit of the spirit, choosing to have self-control or not say the things that are maybe in your mind, but instead just give them to God in a whisper of a prayer. And I think that that is an important practice that we need to teach our kids, but we also need to teach our kids to stand firm and to be bold and to call out those people if they’re in peer relationships with them and say, hey, no, I don’t appreciate that. I don’t want to look at your phone or you know what I mean? Like, I think of the teenagers, right? That maybe they’re being tempted with porn or whatever it is on somebody else’s phone or device or even being invited to a party or a gathering or whatever. Like just like there’s there is this conversation that parents need to have with their kids where they not they’re not only doing the discerning and protecting their children, but as their kids get older, you literally need to have the conversation where you’re teaching your kids how to judge the fruit in a biblical way, where they’re not having a critical spirit, but they are willing to call black, black and white white, in a sense. Right. And what I mean by that is to call sin sin or to call, um, to to be willing to go. You know what? That’s not okay. To be willing to say, I’m not I’m not going to participate in that, or I’m not going to hang out with that person anymore because they don’t have self-control over their tongue and they cuss a lot or whatever. It is, right?

If you train up your kids really well, when they get a little older, they start making these decisions on their own. This is what we’ve literally witnessed, that our children start opting in and out of relationships in deeper ways or not, based on the fruit they’re seeing. They have conversations with us, but in many cases, they’re making their own decisions. And that’s what you want. Hey, if you’re just getting going on this, you already have some middle schoolers or teenagers and some of these things are wrong. It’s never too late. It’s never too late to do this stuff. Okay. But also, do they challenge your authority? I think we mentioned that, but that would be a huge red flag. If anybody ever challenges your authority behind your back, that would be something to think about very seriously. And then let’s talk about godly character attributes for a second.

So we’re going to read from Galatians 522, which you guys know this scripture. This is the fruit of the spirit, right? It says, but the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. So here we also see that Jesus is saying there’s a judgment, right? Like there is a fruit. It’s called the fruit of the spirit. The fruit of the spirit is this. And those who belong to Christ Jesus, this is how you can tell who belongs to Christ Jesus. They have crucified the flesh with its passions and its desires. So they’re choosing to be kind with their words, not mean. They’re choosing to have self-control in moments where maybe they want to, not where their flesh would be lacking self-control. Right. They’re choosing. They choose. It’s not even just a choice. Like when you have the joy of the Lord. That is a fruit of the spirit. And regardless of circumstances, regardless of of maybe your disappointments that you’re experiencing in your life, you just have joy. You have the joy of the Lord. That is a fruit, right or peace having the peace that surpasses understanding. I can’t tell you how many times in the last decade I’ve experienced having to walk through something, some kind of unknown, some kind of conflict, some kind of like, um, tribulation or trial or suffering, physical suffering, loss.

There have been so many things that older that you get in life, the more you experience, right? And when you love deeply and you love well, and you open up your heart to other people, there’s going to be hurt. But then you grow. When you’re hurt, if you engage and you embrace God and you seek hard after him and you lean into him, you grow and you learn through your experience of God. He gives you peace. In times where the world would have chaos, he gives you this peace that surpasses understanding. In times where other people on the outside who don’t have Jesus would look at that, or even people who do have Jesus would look at that and go, whoa, I can see God moving in your life. And I have to tell you, like, you need to have people in your biblical community who will call that out in you to encourage. I see peace in you. I see love in you. You are being so generous in that moment, you know. And like that is what, as believers, we need to be speaking into each other’s lives. But this is the point, is that this scripture literally gives us some fruit of the spirit that we can judge, not with a critical spirit, but to go, okay, I want these in my kids.

So I want to have some core people in my life who also exemplify these things love, joy, peace, patience, which is forbearance, kindness. Like I even think of Proverbs 31, right? She speaks with kindness on her tongue. And that’s something that this year I’ve personally been just meditating on and thinking about a lot as we’ve been doing the heart of the Home Bible study, because we started out in Proverbs a lot and, you know, just going through the Virtuous Wife scriptures and seeing all of those godly characteristics and then reading the fruit of the spirit is kindness. Yes, it’s it’s goodness. It’s not not that we can do anything good in and of ourselves to save ourselves, because we literally cannot. You even talked about this yesterday in the sermon, but it’s that the goodness that flows out of us is because Jesus is in us and he makes us righteous. And then the fruit that comes out of us is the fruit of God in us. It’s the fruit of the spirit like understanding. It’s literally God coming out of you. It’s not you. You can’t take credit for it. Right?

So none of us are perfect or these things, but we’re looking. These are things to keep in mind of the influences around you and your family. Are they showing the fruits of the spirit in these good character qualities, or is their sin being catalyzed from those relationships? Is there idolatry being, you know, catalyzed from these relationships? It’s super, super important to think about those different things. So just in a moment we’re going to go through the steps. But I just want to take a moment and invite you to the Courageous Parenting Program. It is incredible. And now it is truly self-paced, meaning you get to start whenever you want.

Like right when you.

Buy it. Go to courageous Parenting.com you purchase it. Your dashboard is full with all the content and you get to go your own pace. You still get a live with us in the app. You get the app free for two months and you can get all the access to everything in there. But one of the key things about it, you go look at it at Courageous Parenting.com. I don’t want to talk too much about it here, but it has all the details there and some of the new ways it works, including the download for the ten Steps to Discipline. That’s kind of like a cheat sheet. Super, super helpful biblical approach, but it’s great to get your marriage in alignment. And this episode, all these things obedience to purity, to hard conversations, to influences, to boundaries, to all the different things that parents are dealing with, especially in these unprecedented times. Courageous parenting.com is key for that. But let’s dive back in.

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And we’re going to look at Proverbs 616 through 19. There are six things the Lord hates seven that are abomination to him. Haughty eyes. What’s that answer? What does that look like?

So, have you ever had a kid roll their eyes at you or a glare? Or, like you can tell in their eyes, they’re thinking.

Every parent that’s experienced.

That. Well, yeah. I mean, that’s a sin, right? But then there’s also like, do you have haughty eyes? Are you prideful? Like, you think you’re better than other people? Okay.

The next one. A lying tongue. That’s a big deal. Every parent dealt with that.

Um, every kid has lied to their parents at some point. And if you think that you can get out of parenting without that experience, I don’t think anybody thinks that. I know, and hands.

That shed innocent blood. Well, that’s a.

Serious interesting that that is in the same category as lying and being prideful. Yeah, because haughtiness is pride. Yeah.

A heart that devises wicked plans.

Oh, that’s a big deal. That’s. Yeah. I mean, that would be someone that’s literally thinking, how can I attempt this person to sin? How can I make them stumble?

Feet that make haste to run to evil? Wow. That’s moving towards worldliness and evil.

Totally. Yeah.

And a false witness who breathes out lies. No, he did it. I didn’t do it. He did it.

Blame shifting. Boom! Right. Or gossip? Blame shifting or gossip.

A liar and one who sows discord among brothers.

So that would be not just a gossip, although gossips. That is gossiping, right? Usually. But it’s creating that division between family members. It’s literally saying between brothers and that’s evil. It’s just pure evil. It’s an abomination from the Lord. Um, and, you know, I think that it’s important that like, as parents, we go, what are the things that we for sure want to protect our families from? Yeah. What are the sins? We just read one tiny little passage in Proverbs. There are so many, right? Like there are warnings in Scripture. Do not sit in the seat of scoffers. Okay, so here’s the thing. Look out for scoffers. Do you know a scoffer is someone who thinks they’re better than other people and looks around and is judging them and just scoffing at people? That’s super evil. God literally says, do not sit under their teaching, do not allow them to influence you. And so there’s there’s so many warnings in Scripture. And so as you’re going through and you’re figuring out like, what are the most important things that we want to protect our family culture from? It’s a marriage conversation. Right.

So these are the four tips right here. And the first thing to do when you’re saying, okay there’s something wrong here with an influence around our family or around our children, the first thing is to discern and try to discern accurately. Are you in the word or is there any is there some other sin on your part, like jealousy or frustration for something that isn’t real? So discern is this is this a real thing? And then talk to your spouse. Have a marriage conversation about it because they might have some important Intel and insight into it. And together, you need to discuss this to be in alignment about whatever your plan might be, and then pray individually. Of course, ideally, you’d pray together. I know that can be scary for couples that have never done it before, but that muscle has to be worked. In these times we’re living in, there’s it’s a whole new ball game for parenting. I mean, there’s so many different direct threats that are happening more easily today because of technology influencing. I don’t let my kids on technical. Okay, okay, but what about the influences around your children that are. Technology. Things like that. So? So it’s not about what you’re doing or not as much as it’s about what’s happening to the culture and to people around us. And we’re not to operate in fear at all, but we are to discern. We are to have a marriage conversation. We are to pray and figure out, okay, what are we going to do about this?

And then the next step would be to read God’s Word, to discover what is God’s Word say about this? Right. So let’s say that maybe you’re discerning and you’re going through that. You have a marriage conversation, you pray together and you go, yeah, this person is just really they have leadership qualities there. Our kids tend to follow their influence. Maybe we don’t want them to be hanging out so much. Hmm. And you’re praying about it? Well guess what? Reading scripture is the second most important thing and seeking wise counsel. Which can I just say something about seeking wise counsel? The Bible talks about this, but what’s most important is that you’re going to get people who will put biblical truth over their, their own, their own, um, non-objective opinions. Right. We need to understand that usually when you go and you get advice from someone, and this happens a lot in families, I’ll just throw families out there because, like, I’m biased, I want to protect my kids. So when my kids come to me, some of my advice might be things that like my advice wants to lead them in a certain direction. I fully admit that I’m sure you do too. You want godly fruit from your child’s life. So you’re going to say, hey, yeah, my wisdom would be not to hang out with that wayward person, right? Like, yeah, I, I definitely have a bias.

I see a bad fruit or I hear a bad fruit and I go, no, they’re not right for you. Right? But here’s the deal. Sometimes we need to also get objective biblical wisdom that’s going to give you that same truth, but from a place of going, hey, the Bible says this, does that person do this? Right? And as parents, we need to try to operate in that, especially as older our kids get older. We want them to want to come to us to seek wise counsel. But that’s not going to happen if they don’t see fruit in our lives. First of all, it’s not going to happen if they are seeking a different kind of fruit, something that’s worldly versus what’s eternal. Right? And so that’s incredibly important. Seeking wise counsel is important, but making sure that you’re not going, the kids aren’t going, and you’re not going for wise counsel from people who the only fruit they have is worldly. Yeah, right. You need to look at the spiritual fruit that’s in their life, and that’s who you go and seek wise counsel from. Do they saturate themselves in the Bible so much that their opinion is going to be biblical, not personal?

So not perfection here, but you’re paying attention to these things, right? Nobody’s perfect. Um, the third thing to do is you have an option. Do I go talk to them about this? Or do I not have a relationship to where I can talk to them about this? So you have to figure out, because ideally you’d be able to talk to them because what you’re hoping for is, wow, I never thought about that. Thanks for telling me. Right. You know, that humble posture. Of course, that would have to do with you talking to them in a loving way about them. And their heart.

Would have to be humble and.

And having a relationship to where you can do that. That’s the hope, is that you can just go talk to them, because as iron sharpens iron, isn’t that where we’re supposed to do is is to help each other. And hopefully they appreciate that if they can see it’s coming from sincere heart and love. So that’s the goal. But if you if you determine the relationship is not there, then you might have to set some boundaries, which would be the next step. We’ll talk about it in a second. Or if it is there and they’re not receptive, then it also leads us to maybe setting some boundaries.

I think that as well. Another marker that’s in point three. As far as talking to them goes, you need to be biblically obedient to God’s commands to you as a believer. And if there is an offense like let’s say someone undermines or challenges your authority in your kids lives, right? And they maybe talk badly about you in front of your children, for example. That would be a big, huge red flag. And so if they do that or they or even within your marriage. Right. Like we’ve talked about this in the Courageous Marriage series, even last summer, where it’s like, you don’t have friends that talk bad about your spouse. Never. Right. Because that’s going to create division between you. And you’re supposed to be one like God. Put these two together. Let not man separate what God has joined together. Talk to them.

Right. If they’re not into it, drop them.

That’s right. And so when it comes to an offense like undermining, uh, someone in the marriage. Right. Undermining your authority as the parent, that’s an offense. So you have two options. Biblically, you can overlook an offense, but if you overlook it, that means you forgive it. You don’t bring it up again. And maybe you create boundaries because you’re like, these people are not safe people for my kids, right? So you need some quiet boundaries. That’s one avenue. The other avenue would be the Matthew 18 approach, which is to go to your brother. If they’re a Christian, that would be you would go to them and you would talk to them and you would share the offense with them. If they don’t listen, then you take another person. If they don’t listen, you take yet another person, and if they don’t listen, you take their pastor. And then if they still are unrepentant, they’re supposed to be disciplined by the church and treated as an unbeliever. Right? And so it depends on what the offense is and what the sin is. But then then there’s a boundary. The Bible even says in that situation, what the boundary is, is they’re treated as an unbeliever. Right. And so God is for boundaries that are healthy. And I it’s interesting we were talking about this in regards to neighbors. Right. And there’s this old saying that is a friendly neighbor keeps up their fence or has a has a good fence. Right. And it’s so that there is no arguing. It actually prevents that. Right. And so there are certain like relationships where having healthy boundaries is going to be a necessity in your life. And sometimes you can talk to people about them. Sometimes they have to be silent boundaries that are just between you and your spouse.

Here’s the heart of it is we’re looking for good relationships, good influences, not perfect kids. You’re working on it. Relationships take work. They take honesty, take able to have candid conversations. But you’re never going to sacrifice your children for relationships. Meaning maybe you have a really good friend, but the children are being raised differently. And when you get together, their children, your children, it’s every time it ends up being a bad thing. You see it conflict up after they leave in your house and things like that. That’s something that if you’re a good friend, you should talk to them about in a loving way, and they should receive that. And and in those things. But you never put that relationship ahead of the safety, purity, well-being, character of your children. And same with extended family. But we’re looking for a win win. We’re always looking. I’m always looking for how can we be loving? How can we stay in good relationship and not sacrifice our children and have this experience be something that grows everybody? Yeah, that’s the win, right? And a lot of times if a relationship is going to be a real relationship, these things have done well. Actually grow that relationship even stronger because you’re going to a deeper place of actually handling conflict well with each other and talking through things. We have to get good at loving other people well while disagreeing. And if we’re going to run the race together while allowing ourselves to be sharpened when someone mentions something to us. Mhm.

Yeah. It’s, it’s it’s an important aspect that you have to discern, and it might be different. It’s not cookie cutter. Guys, I think that that’s the hardest part about parenting, right, is that the decisions are not necessarily cookie cutter across the board. You have to pray about these things, sometimes even fasting, like there have been times where we’ve fasted together over really big decisions regarding this. Absolutely, yes. Um, creating boundaries can be a healthy thing for relationships so that they’re there, you’re protected and there’s less offenses. Right. And so but it takes intentionality and being aware. I do want to just share one last Bible verse with you guys in regards to love. Because all of this, this is under the context of love. And God’s Word actually has some really important, um, encouragement and exhortation for us in Romans chapter 12. Um, one of my favorite chapters in the Bible. I feel like we quote different parts of this almost every podcast. But anyways, um, in verse nine it says, let love be genuine. I’m going to stop there for a second. Like, do you want to raise kids? Where? Like there? How people know them, their reputation that they have is that they’re genuine people. They’re genuine with their love, not fake. Like that’s a big deal. God is literally asking us to choose to let love be genuine. Yeah, we want people like that to be influencing our lives, not people who are having their love be fake.

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil. Hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal. Be fervent in spirit and serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope. Be patient in tribulation. Be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. Bless those who persecute you. Bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty which is prideful, but associate with the lowly. Associate with the lowly. So you’re not like looking for the higher up? It’s no associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil. But give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, as far as it depends on you. Live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God. For it is written, vengeance is mine. I will repay, says the Lord. To the contrary, if your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he’s thirsty, give him something to drink. For by so doing you will be heaping burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Wow! I’m so encouraging.

I love this.

What a great scripture!

Well, this is a scripture that like when you’re thinking about the godly attributes you want your kids, you want to find people who are living these aspects of love to be the influences in your kids lives. We’re not saying like, don’t let anybody influence your kids. No, it’s go find these kinds of people. Yeah. Go find these people who have the fruits of the spirit. Go find the people who are going to choose to walk in truth. Yeah, right. And who are going to be seeking the Lord and wanting to grow and open to being challenged. So I hope that you guys, you hear our heart in this. This is a really hard conversation, but it’s such an important one regardless of what season of life you’re in, because I think it applies all the time.

It does.

It it applies to all seasons of parenting.

All right. We have an unprecedented time tip at the end of every episode. And so this one is what this.

One is a big deal. So as your kids get older and you’re training your kids, there comes a point where you have to trust God with your kids and you have to trust that you taught them. You did your part, you taught them you had the hard conversations. You warned them about certain kinds of people who maybe are the opposite of what we were just reading in Scripture. And you have to they have to start choosing for themselves. And that’s a hard thing to let your kids become like, have their faith be their own, and that they’re making the decisions on who they allow to influence them.

So high directive when they’re young, and then you’re gradually moving towards directing and them making some decisions. Yep. And then as they get older, while they’re still in your home, it’s more of a coach approach while being there to correct. But it’s more rare. Yeah. Correct. Course. And be that coach where there’s open communication and dialogue going to the send off when you’re there completely, you know, they get married or whatever, they’re completely building their own family, but you’re still a source of wisdom and love and support whenever they want it.

Yeah. And so here’s the deal. This is kind of like it’s not just an unprecedented times tip. It’s kind of a disclaimer right where it’s like, hey, nobody’s perfect, so you’re not going to be a perfect parent at this. That’s true. And there’s going to be influences that slip through the cracks. Yeah, that’s just the reality. And your kids don’t need to learn to sin. They’re born into sin, right? And so they even could be a bad influence on some of your other kids as well. And so you have to be willing to stand firm and correct your children, because if you don’t, as they get older, those sins that they cling to, those bad habits like gossip, lacking self-control, not being kind, they are ugly. When someone is older, they are, and they become more of a part of their character that is harder to repent of. But Jesus and the power of his cross can set even the meanest person free of being mean, right? And it’s like, you guys, I just want to encourage you that you have to trust the Lord and you have to pray for them. You love them and you pray for them through it.

Hey, thanks for joining us.

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