We give you five questions in this episode to ask yourself and discuss in your marriage that we believe are the most important. Without honest reflection, it’s difficult to make the right decisions for change. You are so influential even if you don’t feel like you are. This is why it’s so important to become decisive in these areas when it comes to your family.

Main Points From This Episode:

• Reflect on the year. Make conscious decisions for change. Simplify together
• Provision isn’t on our list but it is important, but it’s also important to make sure its pursuit doesn’t interfere with the five areas mentioned in this episode
• Marriage alignment is vital as you influence change
• After listening to this episode go and listen to Episodes 01 & 02.

Scripture From This Episode:

Jeremiah 17:9 – “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?”

Proverbs 3:5-8 – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.”

1 Corinthians 15:33 – “Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company ruins good morals.'”

Hebrews 10:24-25 – “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 – “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.”

Proverbs 18:15 – “An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.”

If The Spirit Prompts You to Financially Support (We are a for-profit, for social good organization.)

Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

Welcome to Courageous Parenting Podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Hi, I’m Angie from Courageous Mom.

And I’m Isaac from Resolute Man.

We’ve been married for 21 years and have seen the fruit from raising our eight kids biblically. Based on the raw truth found in the Bible.

We can no longer let the culture win the hearts of children. Too many children from Christian families are walking away from their faith by age 18. And it doesn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t be this way. Join us as we start an important conversation about effective parenting and the following. Hey, everyone, welcome to the podcast.

Hey, guys.

Today we’re talking about five questions parents must reflect on, or at least are really important to.

Yeah, you guys, I’m super excited about just diving into this topic again, especially right now. I feel like it’s very relevant. Isaac This time of year, you guys, do you realize that four years ago we started this podcast and the first two episodes were on setting vision for your family and cultivating culture. Family your family.

For the right family culture. Yeah.

Yes. And so today’s topic kind of goes along with those two podcasts. We really want to urge you to listen to today, but also to go back and listen to those. That’s episode one and episode two of season one, because truly, when it comes to courageous parenting, when it comes to biblically parenting, those two things, having vision for your family, the Bible says that those without vision will perish, right? And so we need to have vision and we need to understand that the culture that is set within our family, we have impact over that.

We have a huge influence and the words we use, the actions we take, that is the decisions we make about the agenda for the year, what things we’re doing and so forth all make a accumulated effect in impact on how your children are being raised, the influences you allow to have on them and all these things. So we’re going to talk about these five things to reflect on rather quickly because we want to simplify this and really help you have a marriage conversation that we just think is vital this time of year because it’s coming to the end of the year. So you can reflect on a period of time that you can look at all those things.

You know, And I just want to encourage you guys, this is something that Isaac and I have done for many, many years. I would say probably at least 20 years since we’ve been married 23 and one half years. I think that there’s probably been 20 years where we’ve been specifically focused on this around this time of year, where we’ve evaluated all of these different areas of our kids lives as well as of our own. And you guys, it’s one of the things that I would say keeps our marriage renewed, if you will, you know what I mean? And on the same page and feeling like we’re a team and working together because this is a time where you can share your heart and he can share his heart and you can work together and become aligned.

And you’ll notice that this isn’t a list of everything you have to listen to episode one for that. And two, but this is the five really what we think are most important. You’ll notice provision money isn’t in there. That is really important. But what I would say to that as we go into this is that as that is very important, oftentimes that distracts away from the five is the hustle and the trying to figure out and to or just maybe goals financially and so forth. So while it’s good to have goals for financial, we do too. It’s important that that motivation, that drive that direction doesn’t hinder the five.

And so it doesn’t like drive five. The decisions made in the other five categories as well. I would say, if anything, these five categories should actually drive that more than anything. And so we’re super excited to jump into this. But before we dive in, we just wanted to say thank you for joining us and supporting the 10 Million Legacies movement. This is exciting to be doing this with you guys. I hope that when you listen, you hear from Isaac and I a genuine enthusiasm for continuing on in this ministry and walking side by side linked arms with you, because that is truly like what our hearts. We are excited. We’re thankful that we get to do this every week with you and we hope you’re encouraged and we love hearing what encouragements you’ve gained from the podcast. So thank you.

If you want to know how to pray for us, we get real in the last episode. So let’s dive into this. I think you have well, I think the first thing is you want to reflect on these five things so that you can make some new decisions based on those five things. And then once you have decisions, you need to simplify it so you actually implement. If things aren’t really, really simple, then people don’t implement anything. So it’s really important that’s memorable that you can remember what your decisions are by simplifying it into. And sometimes it could be one or two statements or a couple of words that remind you of the of the five decisions you made or whatever they are. So listen to episode two for setting the culture on that. All right. So let’s dive into point one.

Point one is a really, really important question. What is the spiritual condition of your family? And when you’re evaluating that, you want to really evaluate and reflect and be introspective on each individual within your family and don’t leave yourself out. Yeah, this is a key point, right? Don’t leave yourself out. I think that that’s like a word for moms, especially because I feel like a lot of times we’re so concerned about how everybody else is doing and trying to keep this. I like to call it the spiritual thermometer. On where our kids are at. And sometimes we can get really focused on that and we forget to evaluate where we’re at and what has God been teaching us? Am I growing? Am? Have I met my own personal desire to connect with God this year on a regular basis, or are there some is there a need for some kind of change, a decision to be made? Maybe you need to share something with your spouse so you can have accountability, so that you can be abiding in God more. Don’t leave yourself.

Out. Hey dads, you are crucial and your spiritual condition is vital. You will not take actions that help the spiritual condition your family, or you will take actions based on how you’re doing in the Lord and your walk and how much you’re reading the Bible. I’m praying. And what’s your prayer life like? How is your disciplines and all of these things? It’s so important, folks, that we’re leading well, you have so much influence. And if you have a wife like me, guys, that’s really diligent, godly.

Thinking.

And knowledgeable, I would say she still knows more scripture than I do. And I think it’s I think it’s actually the way our brains work. We’re wired differently. So her memory is unbelievable. But anyways, but that’s not just because our wives are strong and growing doesn’t mean we sit back. Not at all. The children need both of us. And actually the guys, the dads are the pastors of the family. They’re the spiritual leaders. Moms are spiritual leaders, too. There’s a team here, but it’s really important that we’re engaging, even if it appears that, wow, our wife is so good at that she’s got this dialogue. I can just go provide and have fun with the kids. Wrong.

I love it. He just drops the mic right there. Wrong.

So we got a scripture on this.

So Jeremiah 17 nine, says the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick. Who can understand it? And I can I read verse ten because it’s so important. It says, Read the Lord, search the heart. I the Lord search the heart and test the mind to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds. This is so crucial, I think, that a lot of times people will oftentimes quote verse nine, which is the heart is deceitful above all things in desperately sick, who can understand it? And they don’t even they miss out on something that’s super rich, because we need to remember that while that is true, the Lord does search our hearts and we should be walking out our faith with fear and trembling at the acknowledgment of that. And he tests the mind. That’s an important thing. This the Bible is literally saying I, the Lord, search the heart and test the mind. He’s going to test your mind. He’s going to test your faithfulness. He’s going to test your faithfulness in that if if he’s testing your mind, do you know what God’s word says and are you willing to obey it? And this is how you know, he’s doing that says he gives every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds. So this is about obedience. It’s about walking in truth. It’s about doing what? Making the decisions that God has called you to make as a woman of God, as a man of God, as a husband, as a wife, as a mom and a dad. So when we’re evaluating these different categories, you’ve got to recognize that God’s going to test your mind and he’s testing you and he’s looking at your fruit as the test.

Absolutely. Proverbs three five through eight says, Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding and all your ways. Acknowledge him and he will make straight. Your paths be not wise in your own eyes. Fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones. So we need to trust the Lord with all of our heart. While we can’t trust just our hearts apart from the Spirit, because it can be deceitful as we just learned, we need to trust the Lord with all our hearts. So the spiritual condition of your family, who and your family is trusting the Lord with all of their heart, not just their words, not just a belief which is important, but with their actual heart and out of the heart flows, actions, flows, a way of.

Being about.

Flows, the rhythms of life, what actually shows.

Up, flows, the decisions that you’re willing to make, even if they’re hard. Right. Which is what we’re going to be talking about here in a few minutes when we go to a couple of different categories. Different people would probably say that different categories that we’re talking about here are going to be harder than others. Right? So, for example, the parent that maybe is completely out of connection, out of relationship with their kids because maybe they’ve become a workaholic. Maybe they’re so focused on themselves and their own agenda that when they come to a meeting like this, they have nothing to offer up as far as intel and discernment regarding their kids spiritual condition. That is sad to me. Right. That is sad. That is a reflection of like, Whoa, hold up the horse. What have you been doing with your life? We need to take a moment and go. This is your responsibility. No one else can do this but you. You guys are the parents.

Sometimes I think there’s questions we want to ask our kids, but sometimes people are too afraid to ask it because it’s going to take a lot of time. So it’s like, Oh, how’s your walk with the Lord going? But maybe you feel like you only have 10 minutes and this can take too long. You don’t ask it. Or maybe you subconsciously don’t want to know the answer because it’s not going to be as good as you want. You know, what are the reasons? Maybe we’re not asking those deeper questions with our children and really knowing how they’re doing or if they have any questions and.

So forth, or maybe if they’re not sharing with you, it’s because there’s actually a deep rooted issue in your relationship with them, which is going to take time to repair and heal and reconcile. And you’re you recognize that. You acknowledge it in your head, but you think there’s just no possible way you can do that right now because you don’t have enough time. Right. And so whatever it is, like, if you can’t bring intel. Reflective insight to the conversation with your spouse regarding the different individuals in your family, including your spouse. Can I just say that including your spouse? Like if you don’t know where the heart of your spouse is, if you don’t know what’s going on in their mind, that means you guys haven’t been communicating. You haven’t been connecting, you haven’t been communing, you haven’t been being one, which is what God calls you to. And that might be a convicting thing to hear right now. But I just really feel like this is super, super important because as you’re going through asking a question, what is the spiritual condition of your family like? You literally cannot be honestly sober minded and reflective if you do not have relationships, which is point two.

Point two is what is the state of relationships in our family and outside of our family. So it’s super important to think about that in the first relationship is obviously your relationship with God, your relationship with God and your children’s relationship with God. We just talked about that. But to move on, the next most important relationship is your marriage and what is the state of your marriage. And if that’s a sore spot because you instantly start feeling like it’s not where I’d like it to be, I have a vision for it that’s much better than how it currently is. You know, that’s tough, but it doesn’t mean we don’t think about it. It doesn’t mean we don’t set some new intentions and have some new discussions about desire for where the marriage could be. And sometimes only God can fix some of the problems out there. We understand that. But there you go. It’s like a fervent hope and prayer that’s renewed as you reflect and you think about that. But some marriages are going fine, but they’re kind of just going. It’s just sustaining. And there needs to be a new vision.

Surviving, and that’s a good.

Word, a new energy, a new desire. Maybe it starts with a little more desire in both parts to make it better. Maybe the other part isn’t having that desire, but if you do well, you’re getting God involved in the marriage in a deeper way through your prayers. And so that is really important to reflect on, regardless of where your marriage is at.

Can I just say something on the topic of marriage for a second? I think that there’s a need for both husbands and wives to recognize that what they model in their marriage before their children makes massive impact. It’s the little things that you think they don’t see, that they see that they catch. And the truth is, is that a lot of people are not intentionally preparing their children for marriage. And it is probably one of the most vital relationships to be focused on preparing your child for actually. And, you know, as I have older children, this is something that I’m like, wow, like, you know, I even see it with. It’s interesting when you have older kids and you have younger kids. I see it with some of our younger kids where if we’re watching Little House on the Prairie as a family and someone will be like, Oh, it’s so funny when Laura falls in love with Almanzo, you know, And I don’t remember like our older kids at that age being aware of that and like the whole marriage relationship in such a way. And I think that part of it is that we’ve got one that’s already married.

They’ve seen it.

And they’ve seen the.

Progression.

They’ve seen the progression of the courtship time of the dating time of the engagement time and marriage. And now they have their first baby. And so they’ve they’ve been able to witness it and it’s fresh and it’s right there in front of their face. And and I am so thankful for their example being godly because what if our kids were not walking in a godly marriage and our other kids were seeing that? How how, how impactful would that be? Right. And so the reason why I bring this up is because one of your children is going to get married first and be an example to the other kids. And so you guys need to have like if there was ever a motive, an extra motivation other than just obeying Scripture and also loving your spouse and wanting to have a thriving marriage, it would be that for parents, right? You know, this is a parenting podcast, so I have to bring that up. Like recognize that we need to be teaching our children how marriage should be by modeling it. And so do you pursue your spouse?

Amen. And then the next relationship is sibling relationships. How are there relationships amongst each other? And think through the details of that. Now, maybe there’s two siblings that really get along, but there’s another one that really is kind of might be feeling like an outsider and is not as connected or is really rambunctious. So it’s hard for the other siblings to play with and get along. Or maybe the older ones are not having an understanding that they too were once they’re in a lack of being able to be in a good conversation or be patient just because they’re younger and they don’t bring them up. Instead they shove them out of the picture. And so in terms of play in life and things like that, So where are those and what’s your heart’s desire for your the sibling relationships? Because until you pinpoint it and are decisive about it, probably nothing’s going to change.

I would say too, when it comes to just talking about kids in a family, one of the things that is important to evaluate when you’re thinking about your kids and you’re thinking about their relationships with one another, you also should evaluate your relationship with each of your children as well. And then your spouse’s spouse should do the same thing and evaluate their relationship. And this is a good time to go, Hey, you know what? I just feel kind of disconnected from this child and is there any way we can make it a priority that I spend a little bit more alone time with that kid or whatever? There have been seasons like that where Isaac and I have had those conversations where we go, you know, what’s really needed is discipleship from the mom, like the mom to the daughter or the son to the dad, you know, and make it takes a team effort to be able to make that happen, doesn’t it? That’s why it needs to be a conversation, because if you have other children, then the other parent needs to be behind that and proactively willing to be parenting. The other one’s alone for a short while while the other person’s pursuing that kid.

I used to be in a business where I managed a lot of different people, leaders running different offices all over two states. And it was really it could be overwhelming. But instead I just imagine a thermometer above their heads of their, you know, how they’re doing, like how full is their thermometer? And I always think about that. How full is the thermometer in terms of relationship with me, their leader? How full is the thermometer towards commitment to their business and these things? And you can translate that directly to your children. How how full is that thermometer? Is it is it really hot read in your relationship with them or is it in the orange level or worse? And where is that with the siblings, too? And so I’m I’m a very visual person, so that really helps me to kind of go, yeah, that that thermometer is a little low. What are we going to do about that?

So we’ve talked about spiritual thermometer and now a relational thermometer. I love this because it is a visual thing I think that needs to be evaluated. And just like the temperature can go up and down, minute to minute, it’s pretty true that that thermometer gauge could definitely go up and down as well. And that’s normal because we’re human and we’re dealing with humans, right? So we have to offer grace with one another. But this is a thing offering grace means that you have to have disciple your children and understanding what grace is. Otherwise that thermometer is going to be off and they’re going to have. Hard time giving what they haven’t received or they don’t understand. Right.

And then there’s relationships with everybody else, peer relationships, relationship to church, community, educational places, you know, friendships, all of those things are really important to evaluate. I want to take a moment and give you something for free if you haven’t got it already. Is the date night one sheet? It is a beautiful document you can download that will have some key questions on it for your date night to just get in alignment about what’s most important for your family. No matter what time of year, it’s always important to recalibrate. You can get that by going to courageous parenting dot com and subscribing to our mailing list. Also, you can get all of our show notes and everything at courageous parenting dot com. And I also just want to share real quick about the parenting mentor program. So many families are being transformed by going through this. It’s the six week self paced program with live engagement from us in even direct interaction. So if you want to join us, here’s a little bit more about it. You can find out more at courageous parenting dot com.

Steve and I realized that we were getting too comfortable with the world’s vision of how to raise our children. What Angie and Isaac have done in creating this is literally phenomenal. This program provided awesome scripture based teachings and just some really great practical applications. This class has just really rocked my world. It has given me a vision for not just the different things that we might focus on as parents who are trying to raise our kids biblically, like how our kids are behaving or what we’re doing with discipline, but also the things of the heart. We now have a game plan to how we want to raise our children. We have so.

Many answers to the questions that have been in.

Our mind. It’s not just these hypothetical situations or it’s not just this. Here’s what I think you should do. It’s let me show you where in scripture this is. Do your legacy a favor and your self a favor and just do it. One of the best things that we’ve done this year, one of the best investments we’ve made this year, and I could not recommend it more. We’re no longer fearing dark days ahead, but we’re so excited to raise lights to be leaders for the next generation.

We have a scripture here in first Corinthians chapter 15, verse 33 says, Do not be deceived. Bad company ruins good morals. And so we have to when when we’re when we’re parents and we have kids that are younger, I think that it is safe to say that it is our jurisdiction, our responsibility to choose wisely who we’re spending time with and to recognize that we actually are the ones that choose our children’s friends. Can I just say that very bluntly? As parents, we should proactively be choosing our children’s friends when they’re younger, and then as they get older, we need to start equipping them with truth like this verse and first Corinthians chapter 15, verse 33, warning them and teaching them how to discern, learn what is good morals, what is bad morals, Right, Bad company. What does that mean? Yes, you have to teach your children to make some judgments.

You know, it’s interesting because a lot of people, especially young people, believe, including maybe ourselves, that you’re not enforceable, that that scripture, while it’s in the Bible. So you’d say, I believe that then you take it to yourself and you go, No, I can stand strong. The movie won’t influence me, the peer relationships won’t influence me. And the fact is scientifically proven that we are all really influenced. Well, I’ll give you a quick There’s this organization that’s been testing the influence of Google on elections and these kinds of things, and it’s the only company that’s done this. And they’ve had real people analyzing searches on over 10,000 different people’s Google searches. And they volunteered for this. And what they found is Google can sway day by 40% people’s choices on who they vote for just by teeing up certain information and not showing other information when people search for things. So are we influenced? Well, yes. You may have heard in a different episode of me say, don’t think about a pink elephant and you can’t not imagine a pink elephant. So I just influenced you. That’s from a business book I read. But, you know, it’s it’s we are so inflexible and we need to teach our kids that part of that equipping made me think about it. Equip your kids to understand that they are invincible. We need to keep our minds captive and have a renewing of our mind with Scripture and be careful who we spend time with.

Amen. I love it, you know, and I think that that’s a great turning point into our third category here to evaluate, which is community. I mean, we did talk about the rest a little bit, and this is just a segue into this next topic, which is a bigger topic, right? Because the truth is, is if we want our. Children to be walking in the way. And we want them to have good morals, if you will, and we want them to be among good company. And we understand that their peers are going to influence them, their teachers are going to influence them, they’re our friends are going to influence them, their family, grandparents, aunts and uncles, you there’s so many people that influence us but also influence our children. We must evaluate our community and recognize that there is a temptation to just be in the same place because it’s comfortable or just be among the same people. Because we’ve always been among these people and we have history together. Like even think about growing up and going to school, right? Like and seeing people who still hang out with their friends from high school, for example. And it’s like, why? Why is that? Is it that they have grown together or is it that they haven’t grown and they’ve just stayed in the same community, even if it was potentially toxic And they now are like they’ve been influenced. They all influence.

Each other, right? Praise the Lord. If you have friends from high school and we’ve all grown and you iron sharpens iron, that would be awesome.

And that can be a case. But this is a point. Evaluate it like that’s what we’re saying. Like evaluate the community. Evaluate Does God actually want you to be in the community that you’re in? Is it God glorifying is the question, because our lives aren’t about us. It’s not about being comfortable. It’s not about being around people that we’ve always been around and not being purposeful. We should try to be witnesses, lights, iron in each other’s lives regardless of where we are. But if you can’t do that in your community, or if you are getting dragged down or pulled away from biblical truth, being tempted to walk in sin versus walk in righteousness, then you must. These are all questions that you’ve got to be asking regarding your community, because the truth is, is if we’re wanting that for our kids, if we want good for our kids, but we’re not living it, then they’re never going to.

So what are the pluses and what are the negatives of your communities that you’re in? And if you’re not honest about the negatives because that relational ties so strong, then you might be jeopardizing the condition of your family. So it’s really important to be introspective and honest, and sometimes one spouse is more honest than the other because one has a stronger relational tie and the other one needs to wake the other one up. And so it’s really important that you analyze that and that we’re running the race, that you’re never going to run the race with perfect people because they don’t exist. You aren’t either, right? But it is good to be sober minded about this and go, you know, reflect on this and go, hey, you know, what is is there a change that we want for community? Is there something we desire that we’re not experiencing right now and ask God for it?

And I think that you also need to recognize, like ask yourself questions. These are some questions I’ve asked is, are these people allowing us to actually challenge them to grow and to spur them onto good works, or are they opposing it? Are they not wanting to learn and grow and be challenged, or.

Are they spurring us.

On?

Right, because they’re stronger than us and encouraging us to grow. And both of those.

Are important and it should go both ways. But when someone doesn’t want you to challenge them to grow and they don’t know how to challenge you to grow, then eventually that relationship’s likely going to die if you’re trying to walk in biblical community, right? Here’s a verse in Hebrews ten chapter, chapter ten, verse 24, it says, And let us consider how to stir one another up to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another. And all the more as you see the day drawing near. Obviously we see the day drawing near. People talk about it all the time and the truth is, is that God has created relationships for a purpose. This is part of the purpose how to stir one another up to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together. I even think about this verse also reminds me of people who are maybe going to church and doing the natural, normal rhythms of Christianity, which we talked about in the last podcast, right? That things need to change, parenting needs to change, or you’re going to reap results that you don’t actually desire and pray for. And so living biblically is sometimes hard. Sometimes you have to make hard decisions, and sometimes that is regarding the community or the people that you currently have in your midst around your children influencing them. Right? And this topic of potentially going to church and walking out and not actually knowing each other, it makes it easy for people to hide.

There is no stirring up of good works. And when like those like everyone has their things. Everybody has their mess, if you will. Everybody has their past sins, their guilt. Everybody has like things they regret that they wish they wouldn’t have done or wish they would have done. Like that’s just the reality of humanity, because we’re human, right? But this is a thing when you’re walking in biblical community with people and this is what has to be evaluated. You’re sharing those things with other people and they’re sharing those things with you and you’re holding each other accountable and you’re praying for each other and encouraging each other to walk out of bondage and live as free people because that is what Jesus died for. Amen. And so, like, when we’re evaluating community, we need to really think about our church relationships, our community, our biblical friendships and go, are they actually like? And if they aren’t, can I just encourage you to be brave and and share the desire that you have to have more intentional relationships? Sorry with that person, go out on a limb, be courageous, and be willing to say, Hey, you know what? I’m really desiring to be closer and have a more biblical friendship and I love it. If we could pray together, start there. That’s a simple, simple idea of how to start moving forward.

Yeah, maybe it’s nourishing what you already have in a more spiritual direction. And the fourth thing is health. This is important. It’s not the most important, but it is important because God wants us to run the race well. And if we don’t have good health, that’s a challenge. The good news is, as believers, we’re going to heaven if something happens. But there are threats out there and we’re not to operate in fear, but we’re to be wise. And they’re already testing other viruses. There’s there’s the World Economic Forum is talking about they’re already running drills for a virus that specifically attacks youth in a more deadly way. And it seems like whatever the drills they do tends to happen in the future. So I think I’m not trying to create any fear here, but we do need.

To be aware, be.

Aware of things. So first Corinthians six, 19 through 20 says, let’s see your first Corinthians six. Oh, I got to get there. I’m not quite there yet. Sorry about that, but it’s the one about the Holy Temple here. So where do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you whom you have from God you are not your own, for you were bought with a price, so glorify God in your body. So we do need to take care of the Holy Temple so that we can be good stewards, so we can be around to shepherd our kids and then our grandchildren and be an influence. Something I’ve been convicted on. I’m like, I need to get with it again. I’ve had periods where I am with it with health, and then I get busy and there’s so many things and there’s just excuses. We have time for what’s a priority. We need to make health a priority, not an idol, but it needs to be a priority.

You just said a ping word to me and I have had on my mind that I wanted to share regarding this topic because it’s easy for people to go, Oh, I feel guilty on the topic of health. I don’t work out enough or I don’t do this or I don’t do that, or I wanted to get off of gluten or I want it. You know, everybody has their thing that they thought about in evaluating health, but very not very often do I feel like people are actually asking the question, Have I made an idol out of my health? And this is just as sinful. If not, I don’t know if there’s anything such as more because God just views all things similarly in this regard. But he’s a jealous God, you guys, and he does not want us to make idols out of anything, let alone our own bodies, for crying out loud. I mean, when we make an idol out of our health and working out, for example, or even just nutritional eating can become an idol. We’ve seen it happen in people’s lives where they’ve allowed it to become something that’s caused division within the body of Christ. And we’ve seen how terrible, how divisive, how destructive that can be in the church, right. In relationships, in families. It’s devastating. But this is something that needs to be evaluated. How do other people perceive me regarding this topic of health? Is am I a stumbling block? Is my, my, my goals or what I’m doing? Is it truly Christ centered about treating my body as a temple, or is there maybe some pride that goes into it? Do I judge other people as like, why aren’t they doing it more than me or whatever? And and I think this is an important evaluation that needs to be had because we got to surrender those things and confess and repent to other believers and to God if that’s something we have sinned.

And here’s an encouragement is I think that this this can be both ways. But wives, I just would encourage I’ve seen Angie understand natural health and what to take. And the natural paths to things. We believe in medicine, of course, but we always try and take a natural path is as far as we can. And there’s got to be natural maintenance happening of the right vitamins, the right mix of things, and that can be a big subject. And so instead of being overwhelmed, what I’ve witnessed is we have come across really good natural experts that we use, like doctors that take a natural path to things. And then she is constantly learning and asking questions and that she’s reading books, following up, and then she’s she’s layering on knowledge upon knowledge over the years to where now she really has this amazing expertise in natural medicine. It is really incredible and has is probably saved somebody’s life in our family because there’s been close calls and through natural paths, really amazing things. Obviously God’s in control here, but we give him the credit. But but anyways, I do appreciate that about you. And I think that it is really, really important as we’ve seen the abuses in the medical world to be discerning and to not believe what’s being projected at us. But we need to be critical thinkers based on a growing set of knowledge about what is healthy.

Yeah, and I would say on this topic too, there’s a lot of teachers out there. There’s a lot of people who, for them, maybe their faith is weaker, maybe they are less spiritually mature. Maybe they have not been a Christian for very long. Maybe they have a background in the occult. And so for them, it’s a temptation for them to want to throw the baby out with the bathwater and say that all things are bad, including like essential oils. I would just use that as an example. Right? And my personal belief is that God gave us these things for our good, for us to steward well, they’re neutral things that are neither good nor bad, and it’s up to humankind, it’s up to human, the humanity to use them God’s way or to use them not God’s way. And we need to take that jurisdiction on responsibly. Again, not making an idol out of those things, which is what we’ve talked about. Right. And I but I’ve seen Christians go too far and make an idol out of those things so that when someone gets sick, the very first thing they run to is that oil or the very first thing they run to is that supplement. And that’s also not OC Right? And it’s not that we don’t know what to do, but what we do is we have a correct order in our mind of praying and asking God to be the healer and to give us wisdom and discernment in what tools he’s given us that we should be using in this very moment. And then we start thinking, we think critically and we go look at the symptoms and we try to choose what’s right and we continue praying. God, I pray this works, that your will be done. That, in my mind is a biblical, neutral, balanced perspective. There are so many aspects we could talk about regarding health, but we really want to move on to the next one, which is education.

Education is so important because you know who’s teaching them, what are they teaching? All these things. And, you know, I think it’s important to think beyond we did a whole episode on this. I think it was about home education. But and that’s not the only point we’re making here. But regardless of how you educate your kids, what’s the most important to you beyond the basics? That’s the question. So what is most important to you beyond the basics? A question to ask, you know, on point for, I don’t know, we turn it into a question, what is the the health of your family and where do you want it to be? And, you know, how healthy is the community and how where do you want it to go and how healthy are the relationships in your family and what is the spiritual condition of your family? So there’s the question. So on five here, what is the education? What’s the most important beyond the basics? And we have a list and you can have your own list. Doesn’t need to be our list. But here’s some things that are important to us.

Yeah, before you go through the list, when he said beyond the basics, I mean, obviously there’s the reading, writing, arithmetic, right? Like you want to equip your kids with the basic tools. And so those are not included in our list, but they like that we’re going to be sharing with you. But those are like obvious things. So there’s like obvious things, right? Like discipling your children, That’s an obvious thing. Right? And so but, but when it comes to our list, hopefully this is something that challenges you to think beyond what normal education is actually, because I really do feel like this is more like life equipping.

Yeah. So what are experiences you can help create that teach certain things? What are how about public speaking? I think that is incredibly important. You know, another one that’s really important is the sales, the ability to sell. And it is so vital. It doesn’t mean they need to have a sales job to learn it. But I believe our children are learning sales without having a sales job. And that’s amazing. And having sales jobs great, too. That’s a path I took when I was younger. So I think that that is. Vital skill because it leads to resourcefulness. The skills within that is a is a resilience and a resourcefulness that is really important.

And actually kind of equips you for a little bit more of independence in the sense of not being dependent on any man. Right? When you’re able to even think out of the box like bartering or just any of those things comes from that experience. Right. And but I also think about just how sales also can teach people communication skills apart from public speaking. Right? You mentioned public speaking, but really it’s speech of any kind of being able to communicate what you believe. For example, why are we here? It’s to know God and make him known. How do you make him known? Well, hopefully our lives speak louder than our words, but we should also, if we have the ability to speak, be speaking praises of our Lord, be leading other people to Him, discipling people so that they can then be baptized and enter into the kingdom of Heaven. This is exciting.

I like thinking about skills that are hard for artificial intelligence to ever do, right? So this is really important. So you think about jobs in the future. Will Artificial intelligence is rapidly there’s something that just came out the rapidly excelling but what are some things that are always distinctly human and I want my children to to be really good at those distinctive human things, which is the ability to influence with words in unique situations and different situations. And speaking in sales, the ability to sell is important ability to sell. I mean, every time one of our children does a kid’s podcast, they are selling their points, they’re making an outline representing them, making them, and then backing it up and supporting it. And I think that’s really important. So resourcefulness is another one. We kind of talked about that. What skills can they learn that will potentially in the future they could earn money from? So they may go in some path or career, but what skills can they back, can they fall back on to provide for their families?

Right. You know, I even thinking of that, I think of us growing food and canning and preserving and harvesting food and just all of the different things that you learn in that process and doing that with your children of any age. Actually, you can do it with your kids of any age, and you should be at some level because it also helps them to have an amazement for our creator and an understanding that God is the one who brings the increase. And it’s also an opportunity for them to have to deal with life and death in a sense, because there are seasons where things are growing, where things are thriving, where they’re producing fruit, and then a season where things are dying back and going dormant. And that provides you an opportunity to to actually teach them things, right? I even think of livestock taking care of animals of any kind. And then when they die, like having to deal with what is death and like when you’re actually living out the life that God has designed for us all to live out where we are actually working hard, we’re not striving to not have to work. That’s not a biblical concept. What is biblical is, Lord, how do I steward what you’ve given me? How do I do it to glorify you? How do I equip my children so that they are prepared for as best as possible, for whatever potential circumstances will be there for them in the future?

How about writing? I know that’s a basic, but I just wanted to bring that in. Like writing to influence and to teach and to communicate your thoughts and ideas. I think that’s different than just basic writing. It’s like, you know, someone once said, You can change the world with the stroke of a pen. And so just remember that writing with that kind of mindset and the belief. I remember telling Ethan that not too long ago and he got really inspired to become a better writer. And I just think writing is such an important skill. It’s it’s the written form. And sometimes that’s more powerful actually than actual speaking because it’s permanent. There’s a permanence to writing, I suppose, through video, there’s a permanence to speaking to, but there’s unique permanence to writing that’s really special. We’re going to do a lot more writing in this next year. That’s one of our things ourselves now. History, accurate history. How about the parts of history that are being attacked by the global elites and the education system and all these things? How about presenting an accurate view of that history and making sure of that so that they are, even though they’re going to be a minority in the future, they have this anchor points of accurate history, even if there’s hard to find those books in the future and those kinds of things.

And I even think about when you’re teaching history along with that, you’re teaching spiritual discernment and how to guard their minds from wayward philosophers and wayward philosophies as well, because there are false teachers that are out among people, even wolves in sheep’s clothing. And just recognizing like that, we all have a responsibility as teachers. And I said, we all like obviously Isaac and I are doing this podcast and we understand and we walk with fear and trouble. Regarding James 31, many of you should want to be teachers, my brother, unless you receive a stricter judgment. And that is true. But when you become a parent, you become a teacher and there will be an account for what you’ve taught your kids, what you have not taught your kids, and what you’ve taught them by way of omission, which is something we’ve talked about in the past. Isaacs brought that up in previous podcasts. But regarding history, like are you teaching them how to discern what is true, what is right, and teaching them that there are false things. You can’t just believe everything you read today, right? And understanding that there is a need for prayer, for spiritual discernment over every single one of our children. We need to be watchmen on the wall, praying over our kids biblical fruits, biblical gifts that God wants to give them because it is. We’re not always going to be there, you know? And so we have to do our job and equipping them.

Now, contemporary world problems is another one that I think is important, and don’t be threatened by that if you’re not super knowledgeable of what’s going on in the world and the different events and the history about events and why that matters for today and these kinds of things, I would say start. It really is an appearance jurisdiction today to be teaching contemporary world problems, not delegating that to some other teacher because they’re likely to put a bad they have a different paradigm, not maybe a biblical paradigm that they’re teaching those things through. And just it is vital to understand different history on these things, but to be sharing it with our children as age appropriate. Some of you might have really little children, but you should be learning, I mean, at least one of you learning on these things so that you’re caught up. I am thankful that for the last, I would say ten years, I’ve been paying attention and really paying attention. And so not only when I see the news, not only do I see what the news is saying, and I’m very careful where I get the sources right, but then I can extrapolate whether that’s true or not based on all that I have researched and learned about in the past. And so it’s very hard for me to be fooled. I can be fooled for sure. Everybody can. But it’s harder because I’ve been paying attention to this stuff for the last decade and really closely and being very careful for the last ten years of where I got my news sources and learn from and always been aware that, you know, there’s propaganda and these kinds of things. What’s happening with the Twitter reveal right now and all the files and so forth where the federal government conspired with big tech to push propaganda and influence elections and different things on a liberal direction. It is so important that we are teaching our children how to critically think. And it’s hard to critically think if there’s a lack of knowledge about contemporary world problems.

We have a verse for you that I like to encourage you to share with your children. It’s Proverbs 1815. It says, An intelligent heart acquires knowledge and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge. Isn’t that interesting that God’s Word is saying intelligent heart. Our hearts have an ability to be intelligent, and it’s the intelligent heart that acquires knowledge. It’s not saying the intelligent mind acquires knowledge. It’s very interesting to me. And then to pay attention, the ear of the wise seeks knowledge. So if you want your children to be wise, right? So you’re going to train them up to go, Hey, if you want wisdom, like then you’re going to be open eared to seek out and learn knowledge from a person who has a heart that is intelligent and has acquired knowledge. So it’s one person seeking after another there and it gives a description of both. It’s really beautiful and intelligent. Heart acquires knowledge and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge. Why is this? Because if we’re going to make wise decisions, we need to be introspective, knowledgeable, understanding and discerning.

So to wrap up, reflect on these five questions, make some decisions together, and simplify what you’re going to do moving forward. So what is the spiritual condition of your family? What was the state of relationships in your family? What is what is your community like and how could it be better? What is the health of your family and how do we need to be more prepared? And education. You know what’s most important beyond the basics and who’s influencing our children? I think it’s important to think about these things. You can ask that question in your own way. Write them down and bring them to a marriage conversation. And you know, it might be lively. You might want to pray first.

Yes. And end in prayer as well. Because as you’re seeking God’s will for your family, sometimes we can make plans as humans, but we need to let the Lord direct our steps. And so sometimes he asks us to do something that’s hard, right? And. We just would encourage you guys and we’re praying for you guys to be courageous and to do the biblical thing next, right? So don’t forget to jump back into the app and look for the first and second podcast that we did on vision and on culture. Those two are going to give you even more encouragement on the topic, very similar to what we covered today.

Or if you don’t listen on the app, be courageous Ministry dot org. Thanks for joining us.

See you next time. Hey, thanks for listening to this episode. For more resources, go to courageous parenting and courageous mom dot com for free online workshops, blog posts and best selling courses. Also, we wanted to quickly tell you about our six week online parenting Mentor program. Isaac and I created a powerful biblical curriculum. Here’s how it works. Each week we release a video with a downloadable parenting package to make it easy for you to incorporate those teachings directly into your parenting.

This is an incredible, self paced program where we cover everything from obedience training to overcoming mistakes most Christians are making. But more than that, it’s a supportive community. You’ll have access to our private online group, live Webcasts and the courageous parenting text message line where Angie and I can send you weekly encouragements straight to your phone.

If you’re interested in joining our next online parenting mentor program. Secure your spot now at CourageousParenting.com

Buckle your seat belt as Isaac and Angie get pretty intense in this one. As you hear the inside scoop on what it takes to do the ministry, all that’s involved, reflections, and insights into 2023; you will most likely be inspired by your own vision for the new year too. THIS IS AN IMPORTANT EPISODE as we all need to be courageous to serve and lead our families well during uncertain times.

Main Points From This Episode:

• It takes courage in a post-truth world
• Normal Christian rhythms aren’t working
• God is in control but He gave us important responsibilities
• Our mission is to equip God’s people to be courageous in uncertain times
• 10 million legacies movement explained (in the episode)
• Review of what happened this year
• Vision for 2023
• Behind the scenes look at how the ministry works and what’s happening

Scripture From This Episode:

2 Timothy 4:2-5 – “preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching. For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.”

2 Timothy 3:1 – “But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty.”

Romans 12:2 – “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

Joshua 1:9 – “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

If The Spirit Prompts You to Financially Support (We are a for-profit, for social good organization.)

Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

Welcome to Courageous Parenting Podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Hi, I’m Angie from Courageous Mom.

And I’m Isaac from Resolute Man.

We’ve been married for 21 years and have seen the fruit from raising our eight kids biblically. Based on the raw truth found in the Bible.

We can no longer let the culture win the hearts of children. Too many children from Christian families are walking away from their faith by age 18. And it doesn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t be this way. Join us as we start an important conversation about effective parenting and the following. Hey, welcome back to the podcast. Today is such a special episode as we’re celebrating.

We’re celebrating our fourth year doing the podcast. You guys, this is so exciting, just amazing.

And I know there’s so many because we hear it and we’d love to hear more of you that have been listening since the first episode or that are newer to it, but then started over at episode one and it’s just no matter how many you’ve listened to it, we’re just thankful.

Yeah, it’s been pretty awesome to see how God has been the one getting this out to people. It’s just been really cool to watch how the spirit has moved and we love hearing your testimonies as well. So we thought that today we would spend an episode as this is like the fourth anniversary of the Courageous Parenting podcast, doing a behind the scenes of the Be Courageous ministry.

Which is going to obviously have some practical insights in it. We’re never not going to do that, right? So buckle your seatbelt. But we thought it might be fun just to hear about some things we don’t normally share. Hear how the ministry did this year so far in terms of what God’s doing through it to impact people. And we’re just really encouraged, really by you. I mean, it’s just incredible to see how God’s using so many people to spread the word about what God’s doing with the be courageous ministry.

Yeah, it’s been exciting. So. Well, you guys, let’s just dive in here. We’ve had there’s a lot that we’re going to talk about behind the scenes. We’re going to talk a little bit about family. We’re going to talk a little bit about all the things that we do on a regular basis during the week. Isaac So why don’t you share, start sharing a little bit more?

Yeah, we’ll dive into more in a little bit. But yeah, you know, this is a family effort, meaning that Megan works weekly doing a lot of different things, mostly social media related, but we’re so thankful for her help. Austin, since near the beginning, has been doing production of the main podcast and the kids podcast as well when that started a year ago. So we’re just so thankful for his support. Obviously he has a full time career and job and he does that in his off hours to support the ministry. And of course we pay him and we pay Megan. And actually, I don’t know if you know this, the kids also all of the kids, minus Zander, he can’t quite speak very well yet. A few words here and there, but they all do kid episodes and they each get paid for that as well. Because if somebody is going to work and contribute, they deserve to be paid.

Yeah, due wages. It’s kind of cool. We started out the Courageous Kids podcast with the vision of trying to disciple our children in being able to teach their convictions and communicate what they believe and the things that they’re learning through God’s Word, or just in relationships on a daily basis that are very applicable to things that kids deal with on a daily basis. And we wanted them to also be getting some practice with. It’s kind of like a speech and debate, if you will, but on a different kind of scale, because they have to create a keyword outline, they have to get their thoughts together, the scripture that they’re going to use, and then they have to communicate and then we take care of it from there. Obviously, Austin edits podcast and then gets it in the app, but so.

But it’s all recently some friends asked us, Wow, it seems like, you know I think it was yeah some people that we go to church with and like you know it seems like you guys shoot the episode pretty close to when it goes out, right. You know? And we’re like, Yeah, we do. Definitely week of most of the time, sometimes even as close as the day before we’re shooting the podcast episode. The benefit of that is whenever you’re listening to a new episode, it is literally what the Holy Spirit has prompted us to talk about with whether we’re dealing with things in our own lives or we we’ve realized this is something people need help with. Or we got a recent question and it felt like, Wow, that’s what God wants us to.

Do, right? And I think too, that one of the things that’s been super helpful for us regarding finding topics to talk about on the podcast, just doing the Courageous Parenting Mentor program and the Q&A that we do every two weeks in the programs that we do every six weeks, that’s been really insightful for us and knowing what topics are relevant to talk about more in depth and prepare big, bigger messages on the podcast are generally how long Isaac, How long are each of our podcasts? For those who might be listening for the first time, they.

Are 30 minutes to an hour, and if you’ve been around a long time, you know that there’s probably only a handful that are actually 30 minutes. Most of them are 45 minutes to.

An hour, which is a lot longer than most podcasts that are out there for sure. I think that part of that is that, you know, when you listen to other podcasts, there’s a lot of opinion, there’s a lot of chit chat, there’s a lot of like banter and things like that in podcasts, at least that’s that’s one of the things that I’ve noticed in some podcasts. And for us, we really have chosen to not let that be the case. We really try to get to the point. We try to have points and sub points and scripture references, and we try to back up the things that we are teaching with Scripture as much. As possible because we would rather be pointing you guys to the word into like what our thinking is and what the Lord has impressed upon our heart biblically, rather than pointing you to just do what Isaac and Angie do. That’s not the point of the podcast or the ministry in any means. And so sometimes we even share the things that we’ve learned the hard way, right? Yeah. And talking about and the things that we’ve been convicted on, the things that we’ve had to confess to either people that we’ve been walking with in life or each other or kids and repent of, and then we teach on it years later or weeks later or whatever.

And we aim to only teach about what we have experience in. Yeah, and I think that’s important. And we really have a conviction that if we don’t if somebody asks a question and we don’t have firsthand experience, we tell them that first. We can also draw from other experiences and what we’ve heard from other people in the Bible. But we’ll always tell you, if we don’t have that firsthand experience ourselves, it’s super important, I think. And as there’s it’s a world full of experts trying to teach things. And in a lot of ways, that’s awesome. That’s great.

Yeah. But a lot of times those experts also haven’t lived through a lot of those things. So all they’re doing is regurgitating information that they read in another book, which is something that Isaac and I have really tried not to do unless it’s the book of the Bible. And we want to point you to Jesus and we want to point you to Scripture itself.

Amen. So I’m going to rip through this real quick. So just day in the life of the work behind the ministry and how to make it happen. Obviously, the kids are going to start with them beyond the podcast. They have to help watch kids when Angie’s involved. So if Angie’s ever involved and I’m also involved, then the kids are helping and they’ve been such troopers, they understand that it’s helping impact people and so forth. So that’s great content creation. That is something that is very important to come up with content that we’re inspired to give based on biblical truth. And obviously we do that with the podcast. We do that in the courses, the books, the things that we do. But as we look into next year and we’ll talk a little bit more about this later, we hope to do more new content creation and we’ll talk about that in a little bit. But that’s a major part of the ministry that we want to spend more time on customer support. That’s just something that goes with the territory, especially when there’s products and all the different things. People trying to get in courses, forgot their password, forgot how to get into a certain course.

We have several different platforms we use, so they’re not all in one place based on different reasons for that. So customer support is something that’s an everyday thing that’s happening and we try to have excellent customer support, get back to people right away, that kind of thing. Technology, we use lots of different pieces of technology we even use from WordPress to Squarespace to a webinar platform to a text messaging platform to I think we have six different websites. Technically, they’re all linked together through courageous ministry now. So lots of different technology. Technology breaks, things happen. Sometimes I can fix it, sometimes I need a professional person to that. We pay to fix those things so and keep them running also as tech on the tech side, there’s servers, right? So it was interesting as courageous parenting was growing, all of a sudden I got a reach out from the server company and they’re like, Hey, you know what? It’s taking a while for people to actually be able to load your pages because there’s so much traffic. I’m like, That is such fantastic news. That is great. Can I pay you more money? This is.

Awesome. Get a bigger bandwidth.

So we can, you know, and it actually is good news, meaning that it’s impacting more people. Praise the Lord. And so, you know, it’s actually quite a bit of money to have a large amount of traffic hitting websites and to be able to have a good experience. So these things are some things people might not realize.

Yeah. What are some other things, Isaac On the side of technology that that’s more on the practical side. I mean, you guys, if you’re watching us on Rumble, right? You see that there’s some mikes here and there’s some other technology, and sometimes those things don’t work the best, but we’ve been blessed to be using the same equipment for the past four years.

It’s amazing. It really is. This We’ve.

Replaced maybe one thing.

In a couple of cords, but really, really pleased with the technology. There are some things we haven’t upgraded one time since the original stuff, and some of it was given to us Praise the Lord. And so we’re just super thankful. But there are some needs on on equipment. But yeah, it’s it’s really not too complex actually what it takes to do a podcast. And obviously on the tech side we have three different course building platforms we also use.

So yeah, right software.

But right now social media is another aspect of it. Social media is an ever changing realm. I’m so thankful for Megan having a young mind.

Oh my goodness, keep us up to things that take would take me hours to do in like a matter of 10 minutes or something. It’s pretty incredible. So yeah.

So she, she keeps us up to speed with the. Changes in that world. But really, we’re so thankful for the Be Courageous app because now we can have a safer place of posting and other people posting where we can really speak our minds and other people can too.

But we’re still don’t have to worry about censorship. But we’re weird.

We’re still out there. We’re going to be wherever Christians are and and to encourage them and so forth. So social media is a daily part of the ministry. And it’s not just posting, by the way. It’s all the messages that come in. It’s all those different things. We’re not perfect at that side of it because there’s so much, but we try to get back to people and that kind of thing. There’s an effort constantly to reach more people that takes brainpower, that takes creativity, that takes know How do you do this If you’re not willing to advertise on Instagram and Facebook, which is.

The main place? And how do you grow a ministry when you have the enemy against you? Right? Like for us, we’ve experienced censorship. I know that especially the courageous mom platform has experienced a lot of that and is very, very obvious that they have put thresholds on me because you can tell when they let it off and when they put it back on and it’s really like night and day. Well.

Man gets it to when I talk about vaccines or things like that.

Yeah, yeah. So it’s like depending on what we do, we always know that if we’re going to post something that we’re willing to be like in time out for a couple of months, oh, they might have put us in time out again. But the reality is that that even like has been an issue with people being able to get a hold of me. I know that there have been times with social media where someone will dam me and I won’t actually get the message until like a month or two later. It’ll pop up, but it’ll have the date on when they sent it, because I keep my box clean at all times. And sometimes it really makes me mad because there’s like this last week there was an issue where there were two different women who are suffering miscarriages and were really looking for some advice on something like because one of them might have been in danger. And I was like, I didn’t even get this message for a month. And so they literally are putting people’s there was like a an issue of life in danger where I would have said, you need to go to air right now. And I hope that they did. But like, there’s just it’s frustrating because for other people to potentially think that affect my reputation, that I’m not getting back to them when in reality it’s that I’m not getting their message right. And so that element has been a constant challenge. Just even with my thinking, I have to take thoughts captive and not allow it to impact me.

Continuing to try to encourage people in the Lord and try to be the witness that I know that God has called me to be. But in that with social media, that’s one of the things that I’ve loved about the Be Courageous app since we launched that a year ago, is that there isn’t any kind of censorship in that way and people can get a hold of us a lot easier. Now another thing that has been a big thing that Isaac works on on a regular basis is just managing things. He talked a little bit about, you know, content with social media. He talked about technology, talk about customer support. And then there’s also like the weekly blog posts that go along with the each podcast. And I’m not sure if you knew that, but at be courageous ministry dot org, when you click on podcasts and that takes you to where all of our podcasts are, there is a transcript, there’s a video embedded, there’s an audio. So if you ever have an issue with being able to listen to one of the podcasts, whether it’s on Apple or Stitcher or Google Play or Spotify or any of those places, sometimes things do happen in the future. I’m just giving you a heads up. You can always go to our website. You can also see the scripture references that we cover that are there as well as other links that we have that are like potential blog posts that we’ve written over the years that are going to be helpful on the same topic.

So yeah, and there’s of course administration, there’s, there’s managing coffee inventory and there’s just a lot of different things about it. And we’ll talk a little bit later why we’re doing that, which I think, you know, there’s also photography free. We have some gifted people closer to love photography. They’ve been great, Austin has been great.

We’ve had our son is a photographer as well. So that’s been helpful.

So, you know, but we always, you know, get help that way. And then advertising, we’re looking for new ways to we’ve done advertising in the past, ever since the presidential election in the US. We stopped, but we’re looking for alternative ways to advertise. That will be something for this year, but that takes quite a bit of work actually to manage production, production, work, producing things and so forth and having other people help in that. And I would say also protection, prayer is really important and other forms of protection too, because there’s really a target on your back when you’re doing Christian ministry. It should never discourage somebody. If somebody is thinking about that, it’s just something you have to be aware of. You should be praying, you should be rock solid in your marriage. You need lots of marriage communication. You need people praying for you. Because believe it or not, there’s actually probably people praying against you sometimes in. Evil people out there and so forth that want to do bad things. So that’s that’s an element that that is there. We have to be careful about certain things and so forth.

One of the things that I’ve always been encouraged in a weird sort of way is that if you aren’t experiencing the enemy’s attacks and you’re probably not a threat to him, and that’s probably one of the things that for me in the midst of it, because I get that question a lot from people like how do you handle da da da da da da? You know, all the things that I’ve shared over the years of just different attacks that we have had on ministry or on our accounts, whether it’s been people who have taken our pictures and started extra accounts and just been harassing us or stalking us. That’s also happened. Like there’s there’s certain things, but I go, you know what? That is the enemy. And I’m not going to let the enemy win. You have to get that like courageous spiritual Holy Spirit power activated where you go, Nope, I know that God has called me to this. This is just another sign that we are in the times that we are in. And I’m not going to stop because it’s about glorifying him. It’s not about me. And I think that hopefully if you’re in ministry and you’re listening to this, you’re going, amen. And because I hope that that’s an encouragement to you to keep going, we need more Christians to be rising up and to be purposefully sharing how God has impacted their lives. That’s testimony. That’s what you know, when I think about the Bible. Isaac One of the things that is just so impactful on me is that it is recount of history, right? It’s God’s it’s his story. His story, right? It’s history. And in there is tons of testimonies of men, human men and women just like us, the mistakes they made and then the ways that God redeemed those things, that he brought beauty from ashes, the ways that people glorified him. And it’s all about God. And I just I love that because we get to be walking history, right, in the sense that we are to be pointing people to Christ just as the people of old were.

Yeah. Amen. Amen. So I thought we’d just take a moment and talk about some of the really cool things that have happened this last year. And then we’ll share some vision that could encourage you to, as you cultivate your own vision for your family and those things. This is a time of year to do that. And if you haven’t listened to a full episode on Vision, listen to podcast episode number one from four years ago. So anyways, some really cool things that have happened. Did you know that the podcast has been downloaded over 184? Actually, precisely. 184 countries this year? That’s amazing, you guys. The podcast isn’t translated into other languages. That means English speaking people in 184 countries are listening to the podcast. I wanted to share some really. We’re so encouraged by this. And you can think about the geopolitical and the the challenges and the persecution of the church and some of these different areas. And people are listening to the Courageous Parenting podcast I ran, by the way, is number 90.

No.

Way number nine on the list of 184 countries in terms of total downloads, Iran, somehow our podcast is making it into that country. Turkey is number 770, by the way. Number 70. Whoa, Uganda number 51 out of 184 countries in terms of downloads. So we’ll just do a count up here. 40 number 47 is Russia. That’s so cool.

Yeah, I.

Love that we’re encouraging people there. And obviously we speak to biblical truth, parenting, marriage, but also what’s happening in the world. We do speak to those things and preparing and these kinds of things. Number 40 is Israel. That’s really neat. I love that. Number 33 is China. Can you believe it? A closed country, a close like Iran and China and and the underground churches there. And they’re listening to the podcast. Number 29 is South Korea. Number ten is Sweden. That’s kind of neat. Number nine, Mexico, number eight, the Netherlands. That’s like Norway and other Scandinavia, things like that. Right? Number seven, Germany, number six, New Zealand, number five, South Africa. That is fantastic. That’s crazy. That kind of surprised me.

That does.

Yeah, that’s really cool. Number four, the UK, number three, Australia, number two, Canada and number one USA. So I just thought that was that encouraged my heart.

Oh it does. This is the first time I’m hearing this, you guys. And I’m just like, We’re in Turkey, we’re in Russia, we’re in China. That’s awesome.

Yeah. And how powerful would that be? Maybe at some point we need to raise funds to translate or have some company that translates the podcast and pick like one language first. That would be most meaningful.

That could be something that’s something we should definitely pray about. And if you guys have that’s interesting, please contact.

I know some podcast do that and that could be interesting to reach more people. So also just the number of downloads, this is really encouraging too. The number of downloads for the podcast grew 23% this year over last year. Wow. So that’s big.

That’s really big. That’s almost a quarter.

And you know why that happened? Because you shared.

It, right? Because we literally, literally were not doing any advertising. We’re just plugging away.

Using people to expand the ministry. It’s so encouraging. This isn’t about dollars. This is about impact. This is so.

Cool. Well, the podcast is free. So yeah, in that sense, I mean, it’s amazing. It’s actually an expense.

Well, it’s free to everybody.

It’s free. Free to everybody else. Yeah.

So in November, for example, I believe it was our best month ever this last month, which was 90,673 downloads.

Unbelievable.

So that is so cool that November was so large and it’s incrementally growing and this year is going to be the first year over 1 million downloads for the year.

For one year.

For one year. That’s one episode every week, a million downloads. I don’t know how many people that is. I have no idea. Actually. That’s pretty cool, though. I can’t get those analytics, but that’s really, really cool and we’re so encouraged by that. I hope you are too, and you’re part of all of that, which is great. So anyways, I think we’ll come back to some of that in a little bit, but I think we should go into a little bit of vision and we’re going to talk about some exciting things that we plan to do this next year too. But I hope this is encouraging to you to even create a vision for your own family and or whatever you’re doing. But really, as I think about it and as we think about it, it takes courage to live in these times as a Christian. And it’s no longer where, like in the US, maybe ten, 15 years ago it was pretty much freedom of expression about your faith.

Without persecution, without persecution. I remember the time when people would look like if you said you were a Christian, then I know that for myself I just automatically gave a little bit more trust to those people because I was like, Oh, they’re more, more moral, they’re more safe, they’re more like minded. Like as a child and a teenager, I remember thinking that way and it’s just not so anymore. There’s this there’s a difference between Christian and biblical Christian as we when we communicate in our conversations, you know, in our marriage, we’re like, wow, there’s really a difference, actually. And I think that it’s an important difference that needs to be taught to our children today, because the most dangerous deception is those who claim to be Christian but are teaching false things or living in a way with unrepentant sin. They’re choosing lifestyles that are biblically sinful, and it’s a choice and they know it, and they’re justifying their sin versus living in light. They’re living in darkness. That is the most dangerous for your kids, right? The people who are doing that and claiming to be Christians. And so like teaching your children that there’s like biblical Christians or people who are actually living what the Bible says as best as possible.

And so it takes courage to parent biblically. It takes courage to have it biblical marriage. It takes courage to nourish your marriage when there could be so many distractions. It takes courage to have the discipline needed. It takes courage to stand for truth, to proclaim truth, to disagree with somebody, even in a loving way, about your your biblical stance on something. And the enemy is trying to kill, steal and destroy. He’s using three main avenues as we see it is is destroying biblical marriage, destroying biblical gender, and confusing people about sex. And those three things are rampant around the world in distortion. And the enemy is full of distortion, and God is a God of complete, infallible truth.

And I would even say there’s I mean, obviously always been an attack on life just in general. But this is just another avenue. When Isaac’s talking about gender confusion and confusion about sex, like, obviously that also is an attack on life, isn’t it? Because procreation truly can only uniquely happen one way and that’s God’s way. And so when there is confusion, obviously less life is occurring, which that is what the enemy wants because he hates life. And so we have to understand that, like all of this comes down to the truth about who God is, the truth about who our enemy is, and understanding those things and choosing to walk in a biblical way. But with your eyes wide open, it takes courage to have your eyes wide open as a parent in today’s society because there are things that could potentially overwhelm parents. Am I right? We we did a whole podcast on this, right? Megan and I sat down together, our 18 year old daughter, and we talked about, are you scared for your children’s future? Because that is truth, right? That there is an element when you look at what world they’re potentially inheriting, meaning like the people that are in it and the sense that are being deemed legal. And when I say legal, I don’t mean biblically lawful sins that are being deemed legal and and how that has influenced. Nominal Christians and the mass majority of society just to follow along. It does take courage to look at that with your eyes wide open and go, Oh, I’m so and not go. I’m so overwhelmed, I’m going to ignore it, but instead go, That’s the truth. I need to teach my kids and I need to protect my children. And that’s going to require making some hard decisions today.

It takes courage to make the unpopular, but better choice to see droves of believers going in a direction, parents and others, and to say, No, I’m going to go in this other direction. I know it’ll be unpopular, but it’s better. It takes courage to do that. Be courageous. That’s why this last year we changed the name of the ministry to be courageous ministry because it takes courage. Believers need to be encouraged to be more courageous, because if we’re not, it’s not going to work out very well. In a post-truth world, we’re living in a different time, a different world. It’s the speed of change is accelerating. We’re never to parent in fear. We’re not to operate in fear. God says, Don’t fear anything. He says. Respect and love me and know that I am in control, which is awesome. But we have responsibility, of course. So. So we’re in a post-truth world. It takes courage to do so. I want to take a moment and give you something for free if you haven’t got it already. Is the date night one sheet? It is a beautiful document you can download that will have some key questions on it for your date night to just get in alignment about what’s most important for your family. No matter what time of year, it’s always important to recalibrate. You can get that by going to courageous parenting dot com and subscribing to our mailing list. Also, you can get all of our show notes and everything at courageous parenting dot com. And I also just want to share real quick about the parenting mentor program. So many families are being transformed by going through this. It’s the six week self paced program with live engagement from us and even direct interaction. So if you want to join us, here’s a little bit more about it. You can find out more at courageous parenting dot com.

Steve and I realized that we were getting too comfortable with the world’s vision of how to raise our children.

But Angie and Isaac have done in creating this is literally phenomenal.

This program provided awesome scripture based teachings and just some really great practical applications. This class has just really rocked my world.

It has given me a vision for not just the different things that we might focus on as parents who are trying to raise our kids biblically, like how our kids are behaving or what we’re doing with discipline, but also the things of the heart. We now have a game plan to how we want to raise our children. We have so many answers to the questions that have been in our mind. It’s not just these hypothetical situations or it’s not just this. Here’s what I think you should do. It’s let me show you where in scripture this is.

Do your legacy a favor and your self a favor and just do it.

One of the best things that we’ve done this year, one of the best investments we’ve made this year and I could not recommend it more.

We’re no longer fearing dark days ahead, but we’re so excited to raise lights to be leaders for the next generation.

Second, Timothy four two through five says preach the word, be ready in season and out of season. Reprove, rebuke and exhort with complete patience and teaching for the time is coming When people will not endure sound teaching but have itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions. And we’ll turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. As for you, always be sober minded, enduring suffering. Do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry. We look at that scripture and go, That is what we’re doing.

Well, and I love that this says Fulfill your ministry. So every person that is sitting here listening to this, this is something that God is calling us all to. As for you, always be sober minded. How do you be sober minded? It means you’re going to take the rose tinted glasses off and you’re going to look at the reality of how the world is. You know, there’s two kinds of people in the world. There are those people that are the glass half empty and the glass half full. Right. Truthfully, I’m just going to say we all know that. And sometimes even the people who are the half glass full people have a negative day. Sometimes you just wrong. Wake up on the wrong side of the day bed. Right. And you just have like you’re more pessimistic maybe that day and you need to get in the word and have your mind renewed. Yes. But what we’re talking about is regardless of if you are a half glass full, regardless of if you’re a half glass empty kind of person, you need to see truth for truth and you need to operate in reality. I mean, making parental decisions based upon the reality of how our world is today and knowing what God’s Word says and how we’re supposed to respond to those truths about the sin in the world today. Do you know what I’m saying? Sometimes I think that even like I think that there’s this people kind of put other people who are on like on a pedestal or people who have the ability to be half glass full people.

They’re like, Man. I just wish I could be more like that. But can I just say that one of the pitfalls that those types of people fall into is that they will gloss everything over is going, Oh, it’s OC, it’s OC, And then what happens? Their children end up getting injured, either spiritually or physically or emotionally, because they’re not doing their job to protect the way God has called them to or they don’t fully fulfill the jurisdiction’s that God has called them to do and their responsibilities walking in this ravaged generation, in this fallen world. Right. If you’re constantly trying to look for the good all the time, like yes, God’s Word says to meditate on things that are true and pure and well. Oc But is that only good things says true? Truth. Right? And so sometimes you do have to go, och, this is the reality of what we’re dealing with so that you can make a wise decision. Right. And so I just bring that up because this is saying always be sober minded, This is a word to all of us. And then it says, Fulfill your ministry. So what is your ministry?

Right. Amen. Right. And it also says in let’s see here, right in the beginning it says.

Second. Timothy three one.

Thank you. Second, Timothy three one. But understand this. The last days there will come times of difficulty for people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to the parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappealable slanderous without self control, brutal, not loving, good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God having the appearance of godliness but denying its power avoid such people from among them are those. So anyways. And it goes on and on. So this is so important to realize because the normal Christian rhythms are not working to have fruitfulness. Most children who launch from Christian homes are be are launching and denouncing their faith, even if they went to church every week, even if the parents had some conversations with them, even those that frankly have accepted the Lord. You’re watching droves of children fall away from the faith. And I don’t want to get into a theological discussion about that, but we all can agree that that’s happening. And so the normal go to church on Sunday, put your kids in all the programs and. Live isn’t working very well. It takes parents discipling their children. It takes parents having open communication and discussing things where children feel comfortable talking about their unbelief because of how they’re being raised instead of being in a kind of a religious home. It’s a relationship home, and it’s in your cultivating and pointing them to Jesus. And you’re having these discussions and you’re discipling, you’re teaching the Bible. They see the physical Bible being opened not just on Sundays, but all during the day.

And they have their own Bibles and they’re praying, they have their own prayer lives. And they you know, there’s this authentic Christianity happening. There’s this authentic experiencing God. Parents are giving credit and glory to God. The father for prayer requests they prayed with their children together on. And two weeks later, they’re circling back and going, Wow, look how God answered that prayer. See, a lot of these things don’t not aren’t happening because they don’t naturally happen in this world, because it goes against the culture of normal Christianity. And I hate that that’s the case. But we’re in a post-truth world. There’s so much pressure, access to anything through technology. There’s so many distractions that it takes an intentionality that’s different than previous generations to equip confident Christian kids to launch into this world, into the future world. That’s even more change than today. We’re not preparing them for today. We’re preparing them for a future world. So remember that scripture is accurate about today. The Bible is becoming more relevant as things progress in time. It’s always relevant, right? But, you know, sometimes people think, oh, is that still relevant today, especially young people. And we’re constantly showing our kids how it’s even more relevant, how it’s incredibly relevant in everything. And so now so just be careful of that. And some people, some people call it nominal Christianity, which is, you know, they believe in Jesus, but they’re just really isn’t very much spiritual leadership. There just isn’t that component of relationship with God and relationship of their kids.

And.

Then bringing them all together and experiencing God together. It’s just there’s there’s a drought. And our ministry, which is really God’s ministry that he has us stewarding, is to wake people up, is that we have to be courageous in these times. We have to go against the grain. We have to be willing to look like a fool Sometimes for the sake of the godliness of our families.

We have to be willing to be like like people, like the disciples that try to walk out on water. Right. Like it takes courage to walk out on the water towards Jesus and to take that step of faith. And I think over and over again, as a mom, how many times has God called me to be doing something that maybe wasn’t the normal thing that I grew up with or wasn’t the normal thing that I’ve ever seen before with anyone else before? Right. And or or what the world says is just weird. Like, I even think about having our sixth child or having our seventh child or having our eighth or being pregnant for the ninth time, 10th time, 11 time. Like every time I have felt this like more, I’ll be honest, I felt more alone from the world, but closer to God, because what he’s calling me to do each of those times, which is just between I’m just sharing my own personal testimony in this. This is just one way that God has called me to be courageous. And I know that it’s like it’s caused my walking in obedience has not caused division. But I think that with other people, it’s caused them to think and then they they just it affects them somehow. And either our relationships grow stronger or they don’t. Do you know what I mean? And so it’s it’s become the thing that it’s like, well, do we actually live what we believe when we believe that life is a gift? Do we actually live that? Do our kids see evidence of that in our lives? And then I think about like just even the choice that we made for me to be a stay at home mom, to be a one income family all those years ago and to to choose for me to be at home with them so that they would not be in daycare, they would not be with other people.

Like there were a lot of sacrifices along the way as the world would look at it. But for us, we looked at it as it was our ministry. We didn’t look at it as sacrifice in that regard. Amen. And but it did take courage because there were people who opposed us in every single decision that we made. And now what’s awesome is that 23 years later, some of those same people are our biggest cheerleaders, that are our biggest supporters, and they’re like, Wow, look at what you God has done through you guys. And good job. And and I share that with you. Not to impress you, but to share with you. If you’re in a stage where you feel like you’re making decisions where maybe your family isn’t supporting or maybe you’re you’re realizing, well, I don’t know. They’re not as like minded. Those friends that we were going to church with, why are they doing that with their kids? We would never do that. Maybe you’re thinking those things. Maybe you’re dealing with those situations. I have to encourage you to be courageous and do what God has called you to do. Do not allow the people pleasing human flesh in you to change your actions in your decisions, because this is about you being obedient to what God has called you to.

Now, here’s the really good news. God is in control. God is sovereign. He loves you. He loves your children, He is working, he’s active, and he wants deep relationship with us and with your children. And that is really, really encouraging. But we don’t just know that and believe that and forget about that. God gave us responsibilities. He gave us jurisdictions and authority in our children’s lives on purpose. In fact, you are the God authorized authority that has the most influence, at least as supposed to, and to be the spiritual leaders on Earth. Most important ones. There might be others, like a pastor and so forth. But you’re the most important ones to to to teach, equip disciple the children. And so that is so important in. Romans Thank you. On Romans 12 one through two, it says, I appeal to you, therefore brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. And then it goes into this really famous scripture that we love do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind that by the testing, but sorry that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

So we have a responsibility to discern what is good, not go with the flow, go along to get along with other believers. It is to discern, is this the very best thing for my kids education? Is this the very best thing for my children’s health is it’s a very best thing for peer influences. This is the very best thing for their character. Is this the very best thing for their future is the very best thing for the world. They’re going to be launching into verse, or am I preparing them for a world that’s past that I grew up in? And so we have to discern we have to have a renewing of our mind. Sometimes we have to forget what we cared about, what we loved, the experiences we loved, and realize that those experiences have to be a little different today for the protection and discipleship of our children.

So that our kids are actually equipped. Like Isaac was saying, for the future that they are going to be launching into. But also for now, I think that children, more than anything, especially if you have young adults and you have teenagers, can I just like put in a little tip here? Your kids need to know that God has a purpose for their life today. God has a purpose for them right now. Their life does not begin when they graduate. It does not begin when they launch from your home. It does not begin when they get married and they have kids. It has begun from the moment that they were born. Amen. And God has had a purpose for them. But are you raising them up with the excitement and the enthusiasm for what that is, for growing them up in spiritual maturity? Right. That they would move from milk to meat like Paul teaches us? Like that is an exciting journey that we as parents get to facilitate, cultivate, nurture water, and witness it grow.

Amen. So God is in control, but we have responsibilities and we need to take those responsibilities seriously. And the world has changed. Just different ballgame. Like are we playing with the old strategy or the new strategy that is needed now? The biblical truth never changes, but. There are new situations today. There’s new threats. The enemy is posing against families. There is the purposeful desire by the enemy. It’s evident. The World Economic Forum, all of these things that are happening, you think politics, politics, international stuff, all the different things happening is really a war on God. It’s a war on God’s goodness, and it’s a war on how God set up the family. It’s a war on all of these things. It’s a war on freedom. Right? And so we have to understand that we have responsibilities. It will equip our children for a different world. And by the way, if we’re being intense, it’s because God gave us a prompting, a vision. Yeah. To be serious about these things for the sake and benefit of his people.

Well, it’s his Titus to command. And we recognize that we’re in a season now with having older children and having learned a lot. And we still have a lot to learn. And but we realize that, like for us, there were many gaps and holes in seasons where we wish we had mentors in people who had done it well, where we could say, Hey. What is your advice in this to be able to seek wise counsel? And there were many dry seasons. There were seasons where we had mentors, like when we lived in Portland, and then there were drier seasons that we didn’t have people that we really looked up to because of fruit in their life and we wanted. And instead those was the season where God had us teaching others. And so we recognize and we hear it from you guys all the time, that you’ve asked people to mentor you. And people say, no, we are saying yes to the command and the call to be Titus, to men and women. And even though it’s it’s a little bit different because it’s virtual. Right. We’re hoping that the transparency that we bring in these podcasts on a weekly basis are a huge encouragement to you guys because that’s part of the mission.

Well, and the Bride of Christ is active. The church is active all over the world, and God is doing something God deeply cares about the church. There’s no perfect churches and those kinds of things. But one of the things that we were told in starting the ministry a little behind the scenes here is that and we notice too, is that the really isn’t a lot of discipleship of parents in the church, right? There isn’t a lot of really practical equipping, biblically based equipping in the local churches. Now, if you have that, praise the Lord.

That’s.

Amazing. I think God has had us in others to to try and help fill that gap. And if you can find it locally, that’s always the best. Look for it and find it. But we hope to maybe fill some some of the gaps in in that in that God has put us on a mission. So our mission it’s on the front of be courageous ministry dot org the new website. This year our mission is to equip God’s people to be courageous and uncertain times. And so we’re so committed to that. And that has to do with marriage. That’s to do with parenting, and it has to do with even impacting kids. Now we have the Kids podcast in the Be Courageous app. We’re really committed to all people and I’m sure we’ll be sharing about being grandparents to eventually.

Yeah.

Which is pretty cool. But Joshua one nine, the signature verse, you guys all know about, have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous, Do not be frightened and do not be dismayed for the Lord. Your God is with you wherever you go. Isn’t that encouraging?

I love that verse. There’s another one that’s in Deuteronomy 31 that’s very similar, where Moses is telling Joshua to be courageous. It’s in Deuteronomy chapter 31. Let me see if I can just get it here, says. Be strong and courageous. First five Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. And I think that both of those verses going together is such a huge encouragement, especially for parents who are operating in reality and recognizing the truth of the world. God is not forsaken us. He is not left. And I’m actually encouraged and I hope you guys are too. I hope that you are raising your kids with an excitement and enthusiasm that God has actually designed them and made them and chosen them to be in their generation for a reason. These are exciting times to be living in, not times to be dreading being in. Right. And that is what we need to be encouraging our children with. But we also need to be equipping them, which is one of the reasons why Isaac and I have felt like God was calling us to expand our goal, if you will, right? Originally when we started four years ago, it was a 1 million legacy, right? And God had has already been impacting so many people and we just feel like he’s saying, Hey, think bigger, you guys. Yeah. So we’re at what, hon?

Well, 10 million legacy movement. And when we say that this is what it means, we feel like God has called us to have an indelible impact on 10 million families, to live biblically, parent biblically, and launch offspring, launch their children into the world as strong Christians equipped and ready to do the same through their families and through their communities. So think about the impact of this. This is what gets me excited, right, is if the ministry, if God can use the ministry to impact 10 million families, what is that in the next generation and the next generation, it is exponential and the influence of all those believers. And so we’re really excited about it. We appreciate it when you’re excited about it. Sometimes on social media when people share, I’ll say, Hey, thanks for furthering the 10 Million Legacies movement because it literally is right. Every time you give a review you share, you give us an encouragement. We need it. You give, you donate on the website, you buy a course, you you buy a hat, you buy a mug to remind yourself to be resolute or be courageous. All of that stuff helps this thing keep moving and we so appreciate it and we need it. Frankly, it’s it’s it’s really important. All of it’s.

Important. That’s right. I even wanted to share with you guys this is one of the passages in Scripture that’s been a huge encouragement to Isaac and I over the years to even just audit. And as we’re headed into holidays and New Year and I just think this is a good thing for us to always have at the forefront of our our minds. Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. And that is like the foundation of this ministry is that we have been letting the Lord build this ministry. But also we have dedicated our family and our home for the Lord to build. And we pray that you would be dedicating your family, your marriage, your home, that the Lord would be building it so that those who build it don’t labor in vain, Wright says. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stay awake in vain. It is vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil for he gives to his beloved sleep. Behold, children are our heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb, A reward like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is a man who has fills his quiver with them. He will not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. You guys, this is the time that we’re living in where there are enemies in our gates, there are enemies in the social media, there are enemies in our workplaces.

There are. There are. Like I when I was a child, I remember reading verses about enemies and going well, But that just doesn’t even make sense. Because if we’re living as Christians and we’re nice to people, then how would we ever have an enemy? Well, there is pure evil that hates goodness, that hates nice. Actually, there is pure evil that is out to steal, kill, destroy. And it is masquerading as light. That’s why the Bible warns us about false teachers, wolves in sheep’s clothing. We need to teach our children about these. Just like in the verse that we recently read that says Avoid such people, Avoid them. It literally was the last sentence. Avoid such people three words. And that is how Christians are. Actually, we’re supposed to do a certain discernment in this world and make decisions out of courage versus just what the nominal normal Christian rhythms where like we were talking about that are like, Oh, just tolerate it all. Listen, let it all in, let it all in. Well, that’s how it infects the body of Christ. And God wants his church to be blemish free. He wants us to be holy because he is holy. That is not a self righteous message. That is a. God righteous.

Message. Amen. So to wrap it up in the last few minutes here, we just want to share this year our 52 episodes, over 200 encouraging social media posts. A lot of work goes into those, by the way, make sure the biblically accurate to write them out, to design all that stuff. You know be courageous site this year that was launched the app that was you know kind of started the end of the previous year but really all happened this year and launching coffee the be courageous coffee the courses over 385 people took the parenting mentor program that’s growth by the way, over the previous year. And so just really amazing to see people taking seriously their parenting to a new level. And already the coffee is supporting, helping. It’s a piece, small piece. It’s about 1000 a month to be candid with you, of supporting the ministry. So we so appreciate it. We literally needed that. So, so thankful we started that there’s some revenue areas that for the ministry and for our family that have disappeared. And the reason is out of standing for truth. We we dropped something that wasn’t directly ministry but provided a good amount of money this last year. And so it is important. So we’re looking to the ministry to completely provide for our family when it actually has been subsidized by my consulting and past something Angie was doing. And those things are disappearing. And so because we’re so bold for the faith and and now there’s so much work to be done that we really are trying to find other ways.

And we’re not a nonprofit because we really believe that there’s going to be increasing pressure on nonprofits to move away from biblical truth in those three areas I highlighted earlier and others. And you’ll see it start to happen because they want to preserve their nonprofit status because they only survive through donations and that everybody’s conditioned, you know, a lot of people are conditioned to give only when it’s a nonprofit. So because of that, we are not going that route, although we’re operating very much just like a nonprofit. But we’re not going to do that because we don’t. We want preservation of freedom of speech so that biblical truth can be proclaimed. And we never get in that moment where, like, should we share this about marriage? Should we share this about gender, Should we share this about what’s the truth around sex and and in these different things? We’re never going to purposely put the ministry in that kind of jeopardy. Yes, jeopardy, I believe it is to go the nonprofit route. And so that is the why behind that. We think we’re being wise. We think that as we go into the future, there’s going to be increased pressure for nonprofits not to say the truth. And they’ll have to wrestle with the ones that are. We’ll have to wrestle with that.

And I and even wrestle with the different things that they’ve had to sign off on, if you will, when they become a nonprofit to say that they won’t participate in, whether that’s talking about political issues and different things like that, like we just believe that literally every aspect of our life involves God and faith and that God can’t be compartmentalized out of those things. So, yeah, our faith should impact how we vote Yes, Our faith should impact how we buy things and where we buy things and who we endorse. And so those are not popular things to talk about.

And by the way, I feel complete freedom to post anything, and I want to keep that. That is so important. If God prompts me to share something, I want to be able to share it. And amen. So that’s be courageous ministry. We’re trying to steward it really well and we appreciate your help with that. So this year, so many cool things happened and we’re so excited about next year, 2023, we aim to do over 100 new podcast episodes. So for both podcasts, so the kids.

For both podcasts, I’m.

Like.

We’re going to do a week. Oh my goodness.

No. But it might even be more because you know what, I’ve been saying this for a while and it’s just been a matter of priorities, but I’ve got to get the Resolute Man podcast going just because.

I feel so many people asking.

About and I just feel like a burden. I feel a burden to do that. I really feel like God has given me some wisdom around this. And I think that and we’ll have some guests on and stuff. I just think it’s so important. So it would be way more than 100 episodes, would be three podcasts a week, hopefully. And that’s not counting Be Peculiar, which is Meghan’s ministry, right? So it’s not even part of be courageous ministry. She’s 18, she’s starting, be courageous or sorry, be peculiar. And so but that’s that’s separate books. We really want to create more content. We have books written, but there’s more books to be written. It’s time to start writing some books again and and to really get the ones done that we’ve already written. And we need some equipment. There’s there’s real needs for.

The skills we need people that actually have skills even more than equipment in that sense. Right. That can come alongside us and help us with like interior.

If you want to help, you can be courageous ministry. Reach out and you can reach out and things like that if. Have skills on book editing and these kinds of things.

Where even just like lifting the burden on certain things like customer service or I don’t even know what we would be looking for, but then that would provide you more time to do the Resolute man.

And we hope to do tons of free content in the Be Courageous app. Obviously the app has a small monthly fee, but we want to do tons of free content in there. Angie’s already been doing a weekly live in the birth and pregnancy. She’ll probably do in the Courageous mom next and she just is really committed to weekly doing a live and Q&A. And then we do a monthly live Q&A together and they’re so we’re really committed to lots of free content in the be Courageous app. It’s safer. We can really be ourselves. You can be yourself. Talk about those things and A supports the ministry for a very small amount, which is amazing so that we have a vision for expanded impact. 1.3 million downloads this next year for the podcast, the Courageous Parenting podcast alone, we’re super thrilled and encouraged by having you on the journey with us, so we so appreciate it. We hope this episode was helpful.

Yeah, Thanks so much for joining us, you guys. We’ll see you next time. And Merry Christmas. Hey, thanks for listening to this episode. For more resources, go to courageous parenting and courageous mom dot com for free online workshops, blog posts and best selling courses. Also, we wanted to quickly tell you about our six week online parenting Mentor program. Isaac and I created a powerful biblical curriculum. Here’s how it works. Each week we release a video with a downloadable parenting packet to make it easy for you to incorporate those teachings directly into your parenting.

This is an incredible, self paced program where we cover everything from obedience training to overcoming mistakes most Christians are making. But more than that, it’s a supportive community. You’ll have access to our private online group, live Webcasts and the courageous parenting text message line where Angie and I can send you weekly encouragements straight to your phone.

If you’re interested in joining our next online parenting mentor program. Secure your spot now at CourageousParenting.com

If you want practical help influencing your children not to whine or to help others, this episode is for you. You will learn four lies that are too often embraced by parents that prevent them from handling this well. Then the Tolpins give practical insights into how to work with your children so that whining is rare and over time disappears.

Main Points From This Episode:

• Make sure you don’t subscribe to the four lies (Listen to the episode)
• Check to see if the whining is because their basic needs aren’t met or they have some kind of health problem so that you can parent well and help them.
• Don’t tolerate whining. You may be tolerating it more than you think.
• Teach children how to use their words in a clear and nice way
• See these moments as opportunities to disciple your children
• Get on their level and communicate well to them (details in the episode)

Scripture From This Episode:

Philippians 2:14-16 – “Do all things without grumbling or disputing, ¹⁵ that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, ¹⁶ holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain.”

Proverbs 14:29 – “Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.”

Proverbs 15:1 – “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Proverbs 15:18 – “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.”

Proverbs 15:28 – “The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.”

Get a 15% discount off EVERY month you are enrolled using code: COURAGEOUSPARENTING at www.Voetbergmusicacademy.com

If The Spirit Prompts You to Financially Support (We are a for-profit, for social good organization.)

Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

Welcome to Courageous Parenting Podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Hi, I’m Angie from Courageous Mom.

And I’m Isaac from Resolute Man.

We’ve been married for 21 years and have seen the fruit from raising our eight kids biblically. Based on the raw truth found in the Bible.

We can no longer let the culture win the hearts of children. Too many children from Christian families are walking away from their faith by age 18. And it doesn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t be this way. Join us as we start an important conversation about effective parenting and the following. Well, hello, everyone. Welcome to the podcast. Hey, guys, so glad you’re here. And we’re talking about that w word.

That’s right, handling whining. You’re so funny that w.

Word like which one is that?

Obviously, we get a lot of questions about this and it kind of goes in alignment with I have a feeling this podcast is probably going to be just as popular as the how to handle yelling or anger. Right? That was a popular podcast episode that we did a long time ago. But I think the reason why is because kids struggle with whining at times, regardless of their personality, regardless of their age, even parents struggle with whining. Isn’t that right? So obviously this is very relevant topic regardless of what time of year we’re talking about it.

And regardless, remember, the future is always bright if you’re a Christian.

That’s right. So I just had I love that that you did that post on Instagram today. That was a good post. I said, Hey, honey, I like that.

Well, you know why I did it? It’s because courage.

Yourself.

I needed some encouragement. Oh. Oh, man, I wasn’t feeling so bright.

We are so thankful that you’ve joined us today here on the Courageous Parenting Podcast. Thank you guys, for all of your support. We just appreciate you so much. Sharing the podcast, sharing about the courses, the the different merch. If you’re watching our video right now at our website on B Courageous Ministry dot org, you would see Isaac and I, we’re dressed a little differently today. It’s a little chilly out here in the crib parenting.

We’re just not getting the the heater is not keeping up.

It’s not. So Isaac is modeling the stand firm Beanie merch because he’s cold and I’m wearing my coat.

Everybody’s getting beanies in our stocking, you guys. Actually, we don’t have stockings. What are they? Little.

Oh, the little baskets.

Basket.

That have all of the fun little goodies.

Everybody’s getting a beanie. We’re in our.

Home stand for beanie. Awesome. So you guys, we are really thankful that you’ve joined us. As always, you can get the point, the sorry, the the points, the scripture references, all of the main things that we’re talking about in the podcast on the website. So just go to be courageous ministry dot org. You can find everything there. You can find out about the coffee, the podcast, the courses, the program, all the things are at our new website.

And I just have to say, you did such a good job. I just have to say that the reason we’re a ministry and we sell things is because there would be no ministry unless we sold things. It’s that it’s literally that simple because we’re not a nonprofit. So there are people that donate and it’s so needed and we so appreciate it. But we’ve really decided to preserve freedom of speech and against future tyranny and government.

Influence conscience about when you’re signing up to be a non profit and actually abiding by their rules regarding not talking about political people and different things like that. So yeah.

I just am not going to not talk about politics on Resolute Man Instagram.

I mean, it’s just we’re not going to be controlled by them. So we just decided if we’re going to continue on in what we’re doing, then we need to find ways, alternative ways for people to be able to support our family and the ministry because we have a few employees. Obviously, as you know, our son helps us with editing the podcast every single week, including the kids podcast, which comes out weekly as well. In the app. We also have app fees. We also have coffee fees. We also have Megan, who takes care of the be courageous social media.

Yeah, I just say, yeah, there’s a lot. Plus it takes full time effort for me so can’t go do other work. This is.

I would say I’m probably part time in in that and then working full.

Time. So we appreciate it. I just we cleared that up because sometimes it can look like we behave a little bit differently because we sell coffee, for example. Right. Well, it’s just we thought we’d be part of the parallel economy and people can switch where they spend money that they’re already spending, but it supports us being able to give all this free content out and give our absolute best and so forth. So anyways.

So we’re super thankful for you guys and you can find out about all of it at our new website.

Yeah, be courageous ministry dot org. Awesome handling whining.

Okay, so you guys, this is a really big deal. And I think there’s some lies out there that parents believe. I’m just going to rattle off some things that I have heard, some things that I have been told when I was a young mom, things that I’ve myself been tempted to do. And it all goes underneath the title of Lies From the Enemy on How to Handle Whining. I’m just going to call it that. So some people believe the lie that, Oh, my kids are whining when they’re little, but they’re going to outgrow it. And can I? To say that that’s not true. The reality is that we practice what we are going to be living later in life. And so if we create a habit of doing something, you can imagine that that is going to become part of their character. The more that they do it and they get away with it, if you will, or don’t ever get challenged to have to grow and change. And then what does that look like when they’re a ten year old and they’re whining? What does that look like when they’re 13 and they’re complaining and whining? What does it look like as a 20 year old, as a 30 year old or maybe even a 50 year old? And I just say this because we need to recognize that in all things that we do, we are building our character, right. And so if we are allowing our children to habitually whine and we just think we believe the lie, oh, they’re going to outgrow it one day, then we are doing them a massive disservice in the future. And to be quite honest with you, you’re going to be causing yourself quite a lot of distress as a parent of an adult child as well. So that’s that’s a rule of warning. Yeah. Another one that we have seen a lot and this is the one that I would say I’m more tempted because I never fell for the outgrow it thing. But I would say I have been tempted to ignore it. Well, you get.

Busy and there’s things to do and it’s sometimes hard to slow down and attend to it.

That’s right. And so there’s always this temptation, right, when when a child starts whining to go, Well, I’m not going to give it any attention. I’m just going to ignore it and it’ll stop. But in reality, what are how are we treating our child? Are we even is there any respect towards the fact that, like, maybe they’re whining for a good reason, like maybe something happened that we need to mediate between them and other sibling them and a friend? Maybe they don’t feel good. Maybe they there’s a basic nurturing need which we go over this more in depth in the Parenting Mentor program, and we go over the hierarchy of needs and different things like that. But maybe there is a real reason why the whining is happening now. We’re not supposed to whine. So our job as parents, we need to understand that kids don’t come out with this ability to like they’re not born automatically knowing how to have emotional self control. They’re not automatically knowing how to communicate. Kids have to learn how to communicate. And it’s our job as the parents to teach them how to communicate. So if we’re ignoring, we say, Oh, just ignore it. No, you’re not ignoring it. You’re ignoring your child. And that is not parenting. Can I know this is a hard word, but ignoring your child because you don’t want to give them attention. And maybe you’ve been told that, Oh, that’s their way of manipulating or getting their way or getting attention. Well, let’s What if we were to try communicating with them, not giving them what they want, but also not ignoring it?

It’s actually an opportunity to train them up. It’s part of training them up. And another one is when people, they believe, oh, we can just redirect it. So they’re whining about something. So now maybe I can give them something to distract them with something different and they’ll stop whining and kind of manipulate the situation.

And you know what? That just seems. I’m just going to say what I always say, what I think right here on the podcast, but can’t wait to hear it. I do think that this form of manipulation is it is not biblical parenting. I’m being nice in saying it’s not biblical parenting. I think that we need to do a little bit better as parents if we are just trying to distract our child versus actually get to the heart of why there’s whining and go a step further and teach them what the Bible says about whining and go a step further, like Isaac said, and and engage this opportunity to actually train them in righteousness so that they learn how to have emotional self control, whether that’s if they’re whining, has tears with it, because sometimes there’s whining with tears and and hyperventilating and sometimes there’s whining without tears and hyperventilating and there’s just sometimes there’s whining and complaining, right? And sometimes there’s just like, complaining. That’s like I would say that as kids get older, maybe the whining kind of shifts a little bit and maybe it’s less emotional, but it’s just complaining all the time being negative and and oh, and not ever being thankful for things like that. Right. And so if we don’t deal with this, this is going to become a huge problem for these kids when they’re older and they’re adults as well. But redirecting doesn’t doesn’t actually deal with the sin, redirecting doesn’t train them and how to have any kind of self control or how to communicate. Redirecting ignores the issue, just like we were talking about. It actually ignores the issue and tries to manipulate a child to focus on something else. But that does not mean that they have learned how to stop whining or that they’ve learned why they shouldn’t be whining.

Well, this other one. How about bribery? I immediately hear you hear that word and you’re like, Oh, I would never bribe my kids, but.

Well, that’s actually what you what you’re doing if you’re giving your child a reward for not doing something. Have you ever caught yourself going, Hey, if you just stop doing that, I’ll give you a piece of gum or I’ll I’ll let you watch a movie or all. I don’t know. Whatever it is. Like I’ve. I’ve witnessed this before. It’s bribery.

Yeah. We don’t want our kids to bribe people in the future.

No, And obviously, bribery is just another form of manipulation in my mind. But it’s interesting to me because there are psychologists out there that even teach parenting and they recommend these kinds of things. They recommend having a conversation with a kid, and instead of teaching them that what they’re doing is wrong and how they should be able to communicate without having to whine, they just say, Oh, reward, reward good behavior, and tell them that if they change their behavior, you’ll give them a reward. That’s that’s manipulation. They also say, oh, redirect them. I just envision a helicopter parent that’s constantly directing her children and and distracting her kids all day long to where there’s never any conflict. But then what happens? Those kids don’t actually learn how to have self control over their emotions ever. And they don’t know how to deal with conflict or do conflict mediation on their own ever because they’re constantly being led to avoid conflict themselves.

In the short term, if we address things and we consistently address things in always a loving way, yeah, gentle way with our children, then we’re training them up, we’re equipping them. But if we get in the habit of sidestepping, redirecting, manipulating to go to the the path of least resistance, the shortest route to get back to what we need to get done. Well, you’re not really equipping your children. And today we need to equip our children more than any other generation of parents have had needed to do in modern history. It’s so important that we really dig in. I want to take a moment and give you something for free if you haven’t. Already is the date night one sheet. It is a beautiful document you can download that will have some key questions on it for your date night. Just get an alignment about what’s most important for your family. No matter what time of year, it’s always important to recalibrate. You can get that by going to courageous parenting dot com and subscribing to our mailing list. Also, you can get all of our show notes and everything at courageous parenting dot com. And I also just want to share real quick about the parenting mentor program. So many families are being transformed by going through this. It’s the six week self paced program with live engagement from us in even direct interaction. So if you want to join us, here’s a little bit more about it. You can find out more at courageous parenting dot com.

Steve and I realized that we were getting too comfortable with the world’s vision of how to raise our children. What Andy and Isaac have done in creating this is literally phenomenal.

This program provided awesome scripture based teachings and just some really great practical applications.

This class has just really rocked my world. It has given me a vision for not just the different things that we might focus on as parents who are trying to raise our kids biblically, like how our kids are behaving or what we’re doing with discipline, but also the things of the heart. We now have a game plan to how we want to raise our children. We have so many answers to the questions that have been in our mind. It’s not just these hypothetical situations or it’s not just this. Here’s what I think you should do. It’s let me show you where in scripture this is. Do your legacy a favor and your self a favor and just do it. One of the best things that we’ve done this year, one of the best investments we’ve made this year, and I could not recommend it more.

We’re no longer fearing dark days ahead, but we’re so excited to raise the lights to be leaders for the next generation.

It’s interesting because I’m even thinking about a previous podcast we did that were, I think it was five lies that will ruin your parenting or ruin your legacy. Do you remember that when we talked about like the lies, like, oh, terrible twos and boys will be boys and all that kind of stuff. I believe that there’s even a lie surrounding this that kind of encapsulates all of the little things that the world, the secular world, will give as parenting advice that truly is not biblical, right? Because Bible says train up a child in the way he should go and when he is holding will not depart from it. But if we’re just ignoring a child and we’re redirecting a child and we’re not training them in how to deal with their emotions or their feelings or communicate, then they’re not actually going to know how to go when they’re older because they’ve never been trained. And the truth is, is that I think that that lie that kids will be kids kind of sums up why parents would not deal with whining. Right? Because the whining in a lot of people’s minds kind of goes along with the little kid age and they go, oh, well, they’re just little kids. So of course, whining is an issue, but that doesn’t have to be the case. I even think about you asked me about like, okay, well, if we were doing a Q&A because we do Q&A is once a month in the in the app in the be Courageous app.

And sometimes we get questions that are geared specifically towards like little kids or older kids. Yeah. And so Isaac goes and what would you tell a parent that had a one year old that was whining? And I would say that one of the things that is going to take time as parents is that we need to understand that our kids are smart. Kids are really smart. It’s not just our kids that are smart. God was an intelligent designer when he made children. He made them smart, and they’re a lot smarter than we give them credit. Actually, if you’ve ever had a conversation around a kid and then you see them light up and they look at you and they they just kind of answer, We have that with Xander. He understands so much more than he can actually say, but we’ve had to learn his language, but we’ve also tried to equip him with like baby signs to be able to communicate. So he’s not always whining now, sometimes. Does he whine? Yes, But what is our reaction? Do we let it just continue? Do we ignore it? No. We try to get down and talk to him and try to figure out what it is. Is it is it that he’s tired? Is he hungry? Is he hurt? Is he sad? Is he teething? Is there an upset tummy? A lot of times when little kids are whining, it’s because it’s there is actually something that’s.

So I just want to address that for a second. So sometimes it can feel like an annoyance when a young child is is whining, but there’s actual real valid reason for it. And we need to always check through that. That checklist that you just went off first to make sure that they don’t actually need something. Sometimes they’re not doing something in error. Actually, when they’re little, they just are tired and we have not given them an opportunity for a nap.

Or maybe it’s our fault. Maybe we have provoked them to this place which go listen to the podcast on subtle ways parents provoke their kids. Seriously. That’s really good. Like this is a checklist what we just rattled off for you guys. So first you would go through the checklist and go, Are they any of these things? And then if they’re not, then you go, okay, now, now it’s time for us to really go into training mode.

Yeah. Because sometimes, you know, they might need more food than we realize. We experience that.

Growth.

Spurts, they have growth spurts. And so you might have fed them, but they might need more. I mean, this happens at all ages. In fact, we’re experiencing this more than ever now that we have so many teenage boys.

Oh, my goodness.

Yes, they’re eating everything.

But I would say that like they don’t struggle with whining. Right. Because they were taught that there are better ways to communicate, that you’re hungry than to whine. And so instead of like when you go through the list of like the wise with a little child, you don’t just like then fix it and give them something to eat, right? Like if they’re hungry. But you also tried to correct them so that they know that whining is not okay. So giving in is like is problematic. Right. And what we’re saying when it comes to like these basic needs, right. And you’re trying to teach a child to communicate, you’re trying to teach a child to use their words as best as possible, whether that’s doing baby signs right or if they are able to speak words. Right. Like even Zander now, he can’t say water, but he does say wah wah, and he tries to do the three little pronged finger for the W And so and sometimes he’ll just bring us a cup. And that makes it easy to know when he’s thirsty, too.

So he’s a great example because he really says very few words. Now, in the last month, ball is a new word.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah. Which is a big word.

It’s a really big word.

So he has a he has maybe on one hand, he has a number of words, but we for, I don’t know, seven months now have been encouraging him to use your words, even when he only could say mama, Right.

Or was it? It was Dada. He says, Mama, now.

But I like to mess with her all that.

It’s funny.

He should have said mama first.

Thank you. Thank you. It’s okay.

But. But anyways, we we. We use your words. Now, if they’re able to use lots of words, we also say that, you know, we have a four year old and just turn four and he tends to get into that whining mode and we have to remind him, hey, use your words. We’re not going to listen to whining. And that brings up a really important point. Maybe whining continues to happen in your home because you tolerate it. You’ve learned to live with it because you believe some of those lies or you just believe, well, this is part of being a parent. It’s part of having children. And I would say you’re partly. That’s right. I mean, certain kids do whine, but they can be trained into maturity in this area.

At a young age. I would even say, like with with Eli, he’s four. And it’s pretty rare when he does whine because he is such a good communicator. But I think that part of that was having so many older siblings that were helping him to learn how to communicate. We had taught them all to communicate with us. So then they in turn did the same with him and and we do that with him as well. But there are times when he will start to get mad about something and he’ll start whining about something or whatnot. And it’s those times that we have to teach them how to have self control or remind them, Can I just say kids sometimes need to be reminded as to why we don’t want to whine and complain. So one of the things that we say in our family is that whining is not allowed in our family. You need to use your words. I can’t understand you when you’re whining. I think my kids have heard that line about a million times in the last 23.

So the big question is, well, Angie, that doesn’t always work. What happens when that doesn’t work? Right? And if your children are getting emotional kind of beside themselves, they may need to cool down in the room. They may need to cool down and come back and use their words. And that’s what I would say to them is I would say, hey, come back when you’re ready to actually use your words, because I want to help you. I want to hear I care and love about love you. I care for you and what you think. But I need to be able to hear it without whining. So why don’t you go take a break and come back?

Yeah. And some kids will respond really well to that and other kids won’t. And those are the kids that you have to teach them how to have emotional self control. And it’s usually the younger ones at first. And once you teach them, they get it. But you have to teach them how to calm down. One of the things that’s so important because whining can become exasperated into emotional temper tantrums, if you will, whining in and of itself could be considered a tantrum depending on what you’ve seen. But truly there are like stages of this where it can get more worked up. And if you’re a parent, you know what I mean? And so you want to catch it. Early on and teach them how to have emotional self control. But if you come home or you’re not in the room and you walk in and it’s already been exasperated, right, to to a point of tension and there’s crying and all of that, you’re going to have to take some extra time to get on your knees, make eye contact, breathe with your child, help them to have some self control, teach them some coping mechanisms. And I would say that two kids really respond well to positive physical touch, like just giving them a hug and letting them kind of get it out a little bit and going, okay, listen, you really need to calm down. Can you calm down for mommy? Can you take a deep breath, look at mommy in the eyes and you just you keep practicing this with them over and over again when they’re struggling and they will get it. But this is the part that I think a lot of times parents don’t want to take the time to do because it does take more time.

Hey, I want to just pause for a second and share a really good resource with you guys. And we’re going to go into our last couple of points here about whining. But our friends, the Vote Bergs have a music academy that’s really good. And it’s you guys all know if you’re taking your children to actual lessons, it can be hundreds of dollars a month per kid, and that really adds up. And that’s great if you can do that. But here’s a solution that’s so cost effective and really good is the Vote Berg Music Academy. So vo e t b e r g music Academy dot com and you get 15% discount by using the code. Courageous parenting. We’re not getting paid to promote this. We just believe in it. We believe in them and what they’re doing. And this is for any 12 week music course for the instrument of their choice piano, mandolin, fiddle, violin, ukulele or guitar guitar. It’s awesome. I love that. And it’s super affordable and the whole family can do it. And you get a new lesson each week. You always have your instructor with you. You can rewind and pause during the hard parts and so forth and practice it. Each lesson is song based, so by the end of the 12 weeks you can already play 12 songs on your instrument. Siblings can share the lessons too. So this is a really cool thing. So vote Berg Music Academy Use courageous parenting as a discount code and you get 15%. We just wanted to help them out. Yeah. Anyway, back to it.

All right, so you guys, we have the last two points here for you. So first of all, though, we want to share from Philippians chapter two versus 12 through 16, because as we’re going into this next point, which we’ve talked about, what the lies are, we’ve talked about like, so you need to evaluate, do the checklist, what are the basic needs? Is there a real reason for why your kids are whining but also engage them and teach them how to have emotional self control? And we talked about the importance of teaching your kids from the time that they’re young, how to communicate and trying hard as a parent to understand what the signals are of your little littles that maybe have a harder time getting their words out. But then there’s this concept of correcting your child, right? We need to discipline and disciple is our third point, right? And so correcting our children when they’re in sin because whining is a sin in scripture. We’re going to read that in just a second. And but also understanding that if we don’t correct this, if we don’t teach them what Scripture says and we just ignore it like some people do, then it will grow into a habitual response that they potentially do over and over throughout their life.

Yeah. So Philippians 214, I’m going to start there, do all things without grumbling or disputing that you may be blameless and innocent children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the Day of Christ, I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain.

I love how not grumbling or disputing is one way that the world how we shine brightly for the Lord right in this dark and corrupt generation. And I think that isn’t that what we want? Like today there’s a massive attack. There’s lies everywhere from the enemy on the children of this generation, of the young people of Generation Z, if you will. But I would say that there is a full force attack on just deception in general. Yeah. And if we are to be a light in the world, then we need to live differently. So one of the things, one of the ways that we can teach people and show people, show people that kids are a blessing is to be able to train our children and teach them, Listen, God’s Word says that grumbling. Complaining is another translation whining, disputing among ourselves. Those things are not things that shine a light in the world. So when we’re out and about, when you have joy and you are not doing what the rest of the world does, when you are not doing what other kids are doing that are not being raised biblically, then you show the world that children are a blessing.

Then you shine a light and that is huge. So if we teach our kids like that is part of their purpose in the Great Commission when they’re children. But there are a few verses here that are super encouraging or exhorting, if you will, for both parents regarding how we react to our kids, because that’s huge. Whenever we talk about correcting your children or discipling your kids, we feel this burden to bring up the warnings that are in Scripture, that are written specifically to parents, things like Colossians 321 that say fathers do not provoke your children unless they become discouraged. Right? So if you are provoking your children and again, we’ve done a whole podcast on this, so I’m not going to go in depth on this specific verse. You guys, we’re held responsible, right? And when we’re discipline, we need to realize that we’re going to be held responsible and how we respond to our children. So here’s a couple of verses. Proverbs chapter 14, verse 29 says, Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper, exalts folly.

Wow. Exalting folly. If you’re short tempered, a hasty temper, think about that.

I mean, I think that it’s interesting, Like these are verses that would be good standalone verses to memorize with your kids so that because we’re whining, I mean, sometimes kids whine because they’re quick to become angry or frustrated and they start complaining, right? Or they whine, but sometimes they get angry. Sometimes people have a hard time with the child, like automatically going straight into anger, right? So memorizing this with that child would be good. But this is also a good word for parents, because I think whining is one of those things that can be a trigger for parents in getting angry. Yes. And so whoever is slow to anger has great understanding. Don’t we want to live with understanding with our kids? I know I do. But he who has a hasty temper exalts folly. And again, if you go to chapter 15, so same page, verse one says, a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. So if you are responding to your child with a soft voice and you’re trying to get them to mimic you, this is one way that you teach how to have emotional self control is that you have to have it first and you get down to their level and you make eye contact with them and you give them a hug and you say, Breathe with me, let’s calm down. Right? If you’re using a soft tone, it will turn away wrath.

I want to mention.

Harsh word stirs up.

Anger. Make sure people didn’t miss what she just said. This is so important. We do. This is you have to get down on a knee. Get down on their level.

You know, tact is huge.

Take time. This is an opportunities. A lot of times we look at these things as is is a frustrating moment because they’re moving me away from the things I’ve got to get done. But really this is an opportunity. If you seize those opportunities, you you will lead to less frustration in the future, in your equipping your children and how to navigate relationally in a fruitful way. Isn’t that what we want? And so this is so important that you’re talking to them slowly. You’re helping them calm down. If they’re losing their temper, if they’re just whining, you’re like, okay, I want you to say that again, but I want you to use your words and just tell me what’s going on. Yeah. And and if it still doesn’t work, take your time. And then if they need a timeout, you can do that. And then do it again. Get down on their level and talk to them. Hey, parenting is a long game. Like you’ve got to do the do the work all the little things. It’s in the mundane moments that parents choose a harder path that’s better in the little things that leads to this really long term beautiful picture, right?

Well, and I even see that here in the next verse, which is Proverbs 15, verse 18, it says, A hot tempered monsters of strife. But he, who is slow to anger, quiets contention. And I just even think like when we’re talking about this, you know, first we look at ourselves and we go, Am I a hot tempered man? Am I hot tempered woman? And if so, then we need to repent that and change. But recognizing that, like we grew up and we are currently adults, right? Our children are little and we don’t want them to become a hot tempered man or a hot tempered woman. And so we must do due diligence and engage our children in the opportunities that we have or they will potentially become the hot tempered man that stirs up strife.

Right? Think that’s a good way to kind of close is just a reminder of what are we modeling? What are we modeling in our marriage? Did the children hear complaining, whining and things like that? And for some people, some people naturally are more optimistic than other people. There are people wired a little bit differently that that look at kind of why things aren’t going right versus the things that are going right. And maybe that’s one of you in your marriage and that person probably is going to need to improve how they model things because that will trickle down into the family. And it doesn’t matter what you say, if it’s not modeled correctly, it’s kind of like, okay, I’m hearing you, but I’m seeing something different. And that’s why so many children, when they become teenagers, they just think in their head, what a hypocrite. I love you so much, but you’re a hypocrite. It’s like they probably don’t say that, but it’s just hard for them and they don’t even know how to pinpoint it. Maybe to respect and follow what parents are saying in the teenage years, perhaps because of what was happening when they’re younger.

Now, it’s totally true. I think that it’s important that we recognize that God calls us to discipline our children and to disciple them. And so discipline, when your child is a disciple, you should be able to say, do as I do. Right. And understand that we’re trying. We’re supposed to be modeling for them what they should be living. So let’s just wrap it up with this last verse, because a lot of you might be going, okay, but in the moment, sometimes I have this rare circumstance. Many of you are probably listening going. Angie, hold on a second. I have a question. Right. Well, let me just encourage you with this verse. In Proverbs 1528, it says, The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things. The the the heart of a righteous ponders how to answer. You know what it reminds me of? James chapter one two where God promises to give wisdom without reproach right to anyone. And but we have to ask with faith. And if you’re truly walking with Jesus and your heart’s desire is that you want to know how do I. How do I respond? How do I do it? Lord, with this kid that maybe has autism or this kid? Because we didn’t really go into like kids who have potential special needs and maybe are more high maintenance or have eating issues or there’s so many different things, right? That I hear these questions all the time.

And I don’t want you to feel like we’re not trying to touch on that a little bit, but the Bible speaks to you hear the heart of a righteous. The righteous ponders how to answer, ask God how you should answer your child, and he will give you the wisdom, the understanding, because that’s your heart’s desire is to be able to live with your child and understanding, to be able to train them in righteousness so that they have a good life that follows in God’s will. Right. And so we just pray that this has been encouraging to you guys. Thank you so much for joining us today. Hey, thanks for listening to this episode. For more resources, go to courageous parenting and courageous mom dot com for free online workshops, blog posts and best selling courses. Also, we wanted to quickly tell you about our six week online parenting mentor program. Isaac and I created a powerful biblical curriculum. Here’s how it works. Each week we release a video with a downloadable parenting packet to make it easy for you to incorporate those teachings directly into your parenting.

This is an incredible self paced program where we cover everything from obedience training to overcoming mistakes most Christians are making. But more than that, it’s a supportive community. You’ll have access to our private online group, live Webcasts and the courageous parenting text message line where Angie and I can send you weekly encouragements straight to your phone.

If you’re interested in joining our next online parenting mentor program. Secure your spot now at CourageousParenting.com

Encouragement and practical insights in bringing more meaning to the Christmas season for your children. I’m sure your desire is to be generous to your children and get them things they want, but will they experience being generous themselves? I’m sure you understand the importance of Jesus birth, but will your children really love that this is what Christmas is about or will gift anticipation nullify this in their hearts. We hope this episode helps you have a Merry Christmas because your families hearts are full of hope because of the Gift of Jesus.

Main Points From This Episode:

• The season is about nurturing relationships with Jesus, family, and those who need Him.
• It’s also about Glorifying God, so let’s focus how we can bring more Glory to God through our families.
• We discuss the gifts brought to Jesus at His birth and what they represent.
• Instill a heart for generosity during the season that echoes into the future. Do your children get opportunities to give to others?
• Find ways to serve others during this season.

Scripture From This Episode:

John 3:16 – “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”

Matthew 2:11 – “And going into the house, they saw the child with Mary his mother, and they fell down and worshiped him. Then, opening their treasures, they offered him gifts, gold and frankincense and myrrh.”

Ephesians 2:8-11 – “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Therefore remember that at one time you Gentiles in the flesh, called “the uncircumcision” by what is called the circumcision, which is made in the flesh by hands”

Matthew 20:28 – “even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.””

Proverbs 22:9 – “Whoever has a bountiful eye will be blessed, for he shares his bread with the poor.”

Galatians 5:13 – “For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.”

If The Spirit Prompts You to Financially Support (We are a for-profit, for social good organization.)

Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

Welcome to Courageous Parenting Podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Hi, I’m Angie from Courageous Mom.

And I’m Isaac from Resolute Man.

We’ve been married for 21 years and have seen the fruit from raising our eight kids biblically. Based on the raw truth found in the Bible.

We can no longer let the culture win the hearts of children. Too many children from Christian families are walking away from their faith by age 18. And it doesn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t be this way. Join us as we start an important conversation about effective parenting and the following. Welcome back to the podcast. Hey, guys, so excited to be talking to you today. Important topic.

That’s right. We’re going to talk about meaning versus materialism. This is a good topic for this time of year.

It certainly is, but it’s always good Sometimes as parents, we don’t even realize it, but we’re inadvertently nurturing materialism and we don’t want to do that.

That’s right. Motives matter, you guys. So today, obviously, God cares about our hearts all year long, not just during the holiday season. Right. But I think that when we’re talking about holidays and giving, giving can happen any time of year. Right. And we’re going to be talking a little bit about that today. But one of the things that Isaac and I have really been evaluating and thinking about is what are we what is it that we’re nurturing in our children? And that’s a good question for you guys to ask, too.

It is. And too often children are just thinking about receiving this time of year. And it’s really important that generosity is there and it’s okay to receive when we have the right hearts. That’s right. So we’re going to dive into that. But we so appreciate you being part of the 10 million legacy movement. You can find all free resources and ones that support the ministry financially as well that are really valuable at be courageous ministry dot org. We’d love to have you visit there and we just appreciate everybody that’s been part of it. Whether you pray for us, encourage us, share online, give five star reviews on the podcast wherever it is. All of that really makes a difference because there’s a lot of work that goes into the ministry and it’s encouraging to stay the course. It really encourages us to press on towards the mission and have more impact. So we appreciate you.

That’s right. So we’ve got some tips for you guys. We have three points that we’re going to go over and we’re really excited to dive in on this. But if you’re just starting to listen in, we’re going to talk about gift giving a little bit today, right? Yeah, absolutely. And so obviously, meaning versus materialism, hopefully you kind of caught that. We’re going to talk about generosity and giving. And I think that that is one of the controversial topics of today among Christians regarding Christmas, which seems strange, doesn’t it? Like I remember when I was a child, it was like this. There were expectations around Christmas presents and all sorts of things. And I think in the last couple of decades, a lot of there’s been this like divide almost between the Christians that are for giving gifts and those who are not. And, you know, I get it. I get that there is a challenge sometimes when there is such a big focus on that, you can look at where your kids hearts are at and sometimes get discouraged if that’s where their mind is all the time is what they’re going to get right.

It’s so important and so it’s really important. This time of year is really about nurturing relationships. At least that’s what we should desire, right? The most important relationship we’re nurturing in our children is their relationship with God, our own relationship with God. Jesus Christ is born. I mean, that is what Christmas is all about. And also to nurture relationships with family and others, outreach and evangelism. It’s such it can be such a meaningful time of year. But too often we just get caught up in a normal flow. And then after Christmas, we’re like, Wow, I wish that was even more meaningful in the right things. And if you’ve ever felt that before, after Christmas, well, here’s your chance sees the opportunity right now matters. And no matter what’s been going on, you can always bring more meaning to your family.

So we’re going to share some scriptures with you guys and feel free to use these scriptures, even in conjunction with your discipleship of your family during this season. Right. I think that one of the things that is so powerful is just talking to our children about what a gift God gave us and his son Jesus. That is the whole main message, right? But really, it’s it’s not just that that Jesus it’s not that Jesus came. It’s also that Jesus came for a purpose and he came to save us from our sins. And that is a huge gift. And so we’re going to share some scriptures with you. The first one is in John 316.

And I think most people know this, but maybe your kids don’t. And maybe this is something that we need to share with them many times for God so loved the world that he gave his only son that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

I love that because this verse, I mean, obviously for God so loved the world. It’s not that he so loved one person or he so loved Mary or he so loved right. He so loved the world that he gave his only son.

That means he loved everyone.

That’s. Incredible. And it’s humbling, right, that he would think about all the people. And he’s he’s looking at the sin, the flesh, the fallen world, and he’s broken hearted. We know that if you’ve ever watched your child make a choice to choose to sin, it kind of breaks your heart, doesn’t it? And I’m sure that father up in heaven, even more so because he sees all of his children and he sees all the motives, he sees all the things because he knows our thoughts even before we think them. And so for him to go, I love them so much. And I see the decisions they’re making and I see the sin, but I’m going to send them my only son. That’s incredible. And so we’re going to dive over to Matthew chapter two, because it talks about but this is just part of talking about when Jesus did come, Isaac and I, when we were talking about giving gifts and things, one of the things that we’ve taught our kids through reading scripture with them, but also having really good books on hand, that kind of prompt the questions and the conversations, if you will, that lead us to be able to disciple them on topics that are relevant to kids. There’s a book that we have that talks about the story of the wise men coming right with gifts. And so here’s one verse in Matthew chapter two, verse 11 The wise men have come and going into the house, they saw the child with Mary, his mother, so they saw Jesus and they fell down and worshiped him. Then opening their treasures, they offered him gifts, gold, frankincense and myrrh.

Well, God knew exactly what they needed. God knew, orchestrated everything. And it’s just incredible. These these gifts seem gold represents kingship. Jesus is king, and the frankincense sense represents purity, but also that he’s a priest. Many times Jesus is prophesies that Jesus would be priest. And he even talked about that. Also, the myrrh was given at his birth, but also used in his death. So very powerful stuff being given here. And so.

I think it’s very.

Expensive. And and they not only represented something, but they were useful. Just think about how useful these things probably were. Joseph and Mary, Baby Jesus. God was also providing for the family that gold was probably very useful as they had to flee. And you know, with a new baby and not having really anything.

Yeah, it’s pretty incredible because when you look at how Jesus entered into the world and then for these three wise men to find him and to worship him and to offer up gifts. Right. And I even just think of how the Lord really encourages us to build treasures in heaven where wrath and rest and moths will not destroy. And just thinking about how these these wise men there, they’re bringing something that’s very practical. But it was for God to be glorified and to bring reverence to him. And so when I think of that, that’s that particular reenactment or recounting of what happened in history. I am always caught with the question, what is the best gift that I could give? Because they were opening their treasures, right? And they were giving of their best. And so I think to myself, especially during this time of year, but really, we should be thinking this way all the time, like, what is the best I can give? Right? Which also goes along with other scriptures where we’re encouraged to work diligently as unto the Lord. Right? Well, if we’re working with anything towards as if we’re doing it for the Lord, we’re going to give our best, right? Like, as if he was sitting there, you would do your best. You would be preparing the best that you could do. And so during this time, like as we’re just remembering that Jesus came, but also acknowledging that he is here and he is alive and he’s in the midst of us recognizing that how can we give our best gift, right? Like, how can we do our best as parents to disciple our children? Because that is a gift to God when we’re partnering with him in the Great Commission.

Well, it’s such a good question. I think the greatest gift you could give them is pointing them to Jesus leading up to Christmas is to make sure it doesn’t become about materialism. Although gift giving is awesome and we do that. We give our children gifts. Our children give each other gifts. It is a beautiful thing, but we want our heart posture to be right. We don’t want that to be the focus and it naturally becomes the focus if we don’t do what feels unnatural to us sometimes, which is to proactively do spiritual things in terms of spiritual leadership. So you are a spiritual leader as the mom. You are a spiritual leader as the dad. You are as the dad, the pastor of your own home and your ministry team together to point your children to Jesus. And there’s all kinds of ways to do that. But if if we just get caught up in the materialism, they’re going to miss it.

Well, and I think that this is really a conversation about what the culture is in your home during this time of year. Like what is the culture? Is the focus on materialism because that is a cultural thing, right? Or is there a meaningful presence where you’re really focusing more on the Lord or you’re taking time to to worship more? Maybe you’re taking time to worship differently with different songs like Christmas songs, right? Although they really could be sung any time of year. And but I just think to myself, like, what are the things that are special that are going to make the memory? Like when your children look back on their childhood, what are they going to remember as being the most significant when it comes to this topic of Christmas? Are they going to be remembering the different gifts that they were given every single year, or are they going to be remembering how we worship the Lord and how we served other people and how we how Jesus came and he was the best gift and how thankful they are in their hearts because they understand that he saved them alone like that. There’s this personal understanding. They have a personal relationship with God. And do they understand that this was a huge sacrifice that God himself made for them because he loves them? He did this for the whole world? And is there that gratefulness that like awe and understanding of what this represents? Yeah, I think that that really is like a cultural thing within a home because it can be easily that can become you can get distracted from that meaning by all the other things, the busyness that can happen. Right. And so sometimes we need to stop and evaluate and go, okay, So if I felt the way Isaac was just sharing at the end of last year, what do I need to evaluate or audit that we did? Too much of that made me feel overwhelmed or made me feel like there wasn’t enough meaning in it. And then this year take purposeful action to cut out some of those things. Yeah, I think that that really is like huge, right?

How do you break the normal rhythms in integrate some other things? That’s going to be an important marriage conversation. It’s going to take some proactive effort. It’s going to take some thoughtfulness beyond just making sure you get the best gifts at the best price. That is something that parents do. But the most important thing we should be doing is glorifying God in front of our kids and and together with their kids. And there’s a lot of things we can do to.

Do teaching them. I just think that like just teaching them to what are we modeling? I’m even just thinking about myself with having a large family, just getting a gift for everybody could be time consuming, right? When there’s 13 people potentially. Right. Like that’s just immediate family, right? Talking about my children here and grandchild. And so, like, obviously that’s going to be somewhat time consuming to where like I could potentially many times my kids could see me like sitting on the computer or saying, I got to go into town cause I have to go shopping. And like, what message does that send them if it’s it’s many days, most days focused on that. Right. And like, we don’t really realize we have to remember that when it comes to setting a culture of meaning versus materialism in our homes, more is caught than taught. And so it’s not just that we’re taking time to sit and read the Bible or read good books or worship like we don’t want to check those things off of a list. We want to do them because we want to do them, and we want to make sure that our kids hearts are in it. But also maybe we need to be careful about like how much they see us focusing on other things that could leave them to think that our focus is gifts.

It’s so true. And speaking of gifts, another great scripture to jot down also notes are at be courageous ministry dot org, all the Scripture notes. But Ephesians two eight through 11 says for by grace you have been saved through faith and this is not your own doing. It is the gift of God, not a result of works so that no one may boast for where his workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared and prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. So Jesus is the gift of God.

And so is His, the salvation that He that comes through Jesus. Right? And so like understanding that that is truly the greatest gift and teaching our children that I mean, you could sit and you could read that verse to them, you could explain it all out. But then if you’re doing something that’s a complete opposite, where you’re focused and maybe your stress is on other things, they’re not going to catch it. Do you know what I mean? And so we really need to. Be careful about our own hearts and evaluate, because if this is something that is maybe a conflicting message, maybe you need to take some time to really reflect on where your heart and where your motives are with this. And one of the things that for me over the years I was just thinking about my own eyes. You and I were just chatting about our own experience and and like how many opportunities as little children did we have to actually be the giver.

Hmm.

Which is a really that like, that’s a big question that then we go, okay, are we enabling? Are we enablers of our children to be experiencing that heartfelt, awesome feeling of that? You get deep within your heart and soul when you give something to someone that’s meaningful. Like, are we enabling our children to experience that? Or are they only experiencing what it feels like to be receiving all the time?

So generosity is such an important part of this year, and perhaps they’re missing part of that because they themselves haven’t had opportunities to be generous. It wasn’t stirred up in them. And one of the ways that Angie’s talking about is providing ways for them to make some money for doing some things extra than normal chores and using a portion of that money to buy gifts. Now, we do help financially with the younger ones, but they are every bit a part of it, picking it out and so forth. Older ones spend their own money on someone in the family. There’s so many of us we do drawing, so they only have one person.

They can really focus and it can be thoughtful. And it’s not like this, like dividing and 13 gifts.

Right. But but, but that’s really powerful. If there’s if there’s maybe three siblings for sure, they could buy each of their siblings a gift and even making it, you know, just watching Ethan make some gifts for some of our extended family is been awesome at.

Wood.

Burning and learning how to do some things. And of course, you know, he asked me a question and I help him, but it didn’t take a lot of my help. I mean, it just takes steering children in a direction. And is there art they can do? Is there what could they do to be generous and use their own God given gifts to give to others? That’s amazing. I want to take a moment and give you something for free if you haven’t got it already. Is the date night one sheet? It is a beautiful document. You can download that will have some key questions on it for your date night to just get in alignment about what’s most important for your family. No matter what time of year, it’s always important to recalibrate. You can get that by going to parenting dot com and subscribing to our mailing list. Also, you can get all of our show notes and everything at courageous parenting dot com. And I also just want to share real quick about the parenting Mentor program. So many families are being transformed by going through this. It’s the six week self paced program with live engagement from us and even direct interaction. So if you want to join us, here’s a little bit more about it. You can find out more at courageous parenting dot com.

Steve and I realized that we were getting too comfortable with the world’s vision of how to raise our children. What Angie and Isaac have done in creating this is literally phenomenal.

This program provided awesome scripture based teachings and just some really great practical applications.

This class has just really rocked my world. It has given me the vision for not just the different things that we might focus on as parents who are trying to raise our kids biblically, like how our kids are behaving or what we’re doing with discipline, but also the things of the heart. We now have a game plan to how we want to raise our children. We have so many answers to the questions that have been in our mind. It’s not just these hypothetical situations or it’s not just this. Here’s what I think you should do. It’s let me show you where in scripture this is. Do your legacy a favor and your self a favor and just do it. One of the best things that we’ve done this year, one of the best investments we’ve made this year, and I could not recommend it more. We’re no longer fearing dark days ahead, but we’re so excited to raise lights to be leaders for the next generation.

Yeah, I love this concept. Proverbs 22 nine, which is such an encouragement, says whoever has a bountiful eye will be blessed, for he shares his bread with the poor. So this even brings up the concept of like, are we allowing our children to experience how it feels to give to someone who maybe even as a stranger, not just a family member, but someone who is in need? Right. And I think back to some stories that we have shared from our past. Right. And not I don’t share these things to impress you by any means, but to just give ideas because I get it as a parent. Sometimes I sit there and I go, What can we do that we haven’t done or what can we do that’s going to make an impact? And maybe I just don’t have that creativity and I feel like I need to try a little harder to be more generous during. This time of year. But really what it is, is that it’s a cultural thing, like, do we have a heart of being generous with all people all year long? Like, I even think there’s some people that are in our lives over the last 23 years and there’s like three specific people that come to my mind that I’m like, when I think of them, I think of the word generous, and I want to be like that.

Like I want if Jesus is in the room with me or he’s in my heart, or he’s he’s looking at me like that should be one of the things that he that I want him to think of when he thinks of me. Right? And so that means that things for me like that is something that is on the forefront of my mind, that I’m praying for God to give me inspiration and wisdom and to to give me spiritual discernment, to see when there’s a need and to be able to fulfill it. And that is such a special gift. Like to give your that’s a gift that you can give your kids is the gift of being able to see needs and meet those needs. And for them to experience what that feels like to really help someone. And sometimes it does cost money, but it doesn’t always have to. It can also be doing something for someone or serving them, right? Like.

How could you get together with some people from your church and go caroling that’s serving, That’s generosity.

I even just think about like all of the older people who maybe are scared to go out in the winter months, right. Because of just fear of getting sick or different things, or maybe they’re more shut ins. And then if you go out caroling, how much does that brighten their day and they don’t feel so isolated or lonely, Right?

Yeah. And can you serve, you know, people in some financial way? Can you? You know, we’ve done things and we’ve mentioned before where we took a certain sum of money and we turned it into cash so the kids could physically see the money. Yeah. And then we talked about, okay, well let’s be praying on how God wants us to use this money to to help people and to show God’s love.

And it was neat because over the course of the weeks, the kids even noticed, like, certain needs of neighbors or just different people. And then it became their idea, their prompting. And it wasn’t just mom and dad doing it. And so I think more than anything, like involving your kids in that process, brainstorming with them and letting them come up with ideas can be super powerful because people own things more when it’s their idea.

And the challenge is that a lot of people don’t ask for help. There’s people hurting that aren’t asking. And so when you start praying as a family together, God may reveal something he wants revealed that wouldn’t have been revealed unless you’re praying about it. Or maybe he would have, but you wouldn’t have seen it. There’s a lot of times God’s showing us things and we don’t see it because we’re not walking spiritually, we’re not asking for it. And so then we ignore it and don’t even realize it. So where are the needs in your community, within your friends group? You know, there might be someone that lost a job. There might be real needs, there might be kids that need help. So let’s think about how to increase the generosity in that spirit of generosity in our family. So Galatians 513, such a great scripture here. It says for you, we’re called to Freedom Brothers only. Do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love, serve one another for the whole Lord’s fulfilled in one word. You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

I love that because during this time of year when it’s there’s potential disagreements about if you should do gifts or not, or if you’re different things among people in the body. This this scripture specifically is saying, hey, what are open handed and close handed issues here? And I think that gift giving during Christmas is one of those things. It’s definitely not a salvation issue. It is an open handed issue that is left up to the discernment of parents. I mean, there was one year where we like way cut back. Do you remember that? Oh, yeah. And that was actually not because of finances, but more because we just did not like where the focus was in our children’s hearts regarding what they were expecting and where the focus was. And so we were like, okay, we need to switch some things up and maybe that’s you. Maybe, maybe that is where you’re at. But that doesn’t mean that everyone, you know, needs to also do that well. So like walking in humility and understanding like we as parents have the jurisdictions over our homes. We are the culture setters in our home and we are responsible for that sort of thing as much as as is possible. Right. Like you can’t change your child’s heart, but the power of the Holy Spirit can. And sometimes an experience can prompt a change. Right? And so as you’re leading, like what would be something that God would be prompting your heart to make a change in? Maybe it’s that he wants you to be more extravagant than you’ve ever been before in giving.

Yeah, it could be. And you know, I know that I don’t mean to get political here, but, you know, the destruction of. Economies around the world is definitely appears to be happening right in somewhat on purpose. And so, you know, I know there’s people hurting out there that are listening in. And maybe this Christmas needs to look differently for financial reasons. And I think that you can have, depending on the age of your kids, but you can have a really awesome meeting with your kids and talk about that. I, I remember when we lost everything financially and having a meeting with the family and just talking about it, and they just responded so well. It was just so wonderful the way I was going to be a much more simple Christmas and it was such a sweet Christmas. It was so amazing. Sometimes the stuff can get in the way and you don’t realize it until you can’t give as much stuff because something happens and I’ve experienced that and it’s just really important to keep the main thing, the main thing, which is Jesus.

It’s interesting because when I look back on that specific Christmas, which is different than the story I was just sharing about, I think about like the things that are the most memorable were the, the gifts that were given to us, the provision that God used people within the body of Christ or people that were in our community, where we were living, who knew that we couldn’t afford much. And they brought things to us, whether it was food, you know, sending a turkey in the mail or a ham so that we could have a nice meal that was a family member or just another friend literally going out and cutting down a Christmas tree because they were like, we want to bless you guys. And like, they knew that we couldn’t afford those things. And how beautiful was it like you guys when we showed up at our house and they were there waiting for us with the Christmas tree? Like to see the look on their faces and their two girls faces like God did something special in their hearts through that act of kindness. And if we would not have been humble enough to just be transparent about how we were doing things or how we weren’t going to be doing things and we weren’t complaining at all, we were completely content. And they saw that God prompted their hearts to want to bless us. That was the Holy Spirit, and that enabled them to grow in their walks with the Lord. And it grew us in humility, for sure.

Oh yeah, the old me. Before all that would have been, No, I don’t want to. And they also gave some cash to us also. And the old me would have been. You know.

Embarrassed.

Embarrassed or kind of prideful about that, you know? But God did something new in me, and it was an important thing. And I just received it with so much joy. And I appreciated it so much because we were we were in need.

Yeah. And I think, too, when you walk through hard times like this, like one thing that I look back with hindsight now and I see that God uses those situations because if you’re in a situation like that, like what Isaac was just describing, where the economy is really hit you hard, maybe your spouse has lost their job and you guys just are really financially struggling. One of the things once you get through that hard season because you will God will provide looking back on that and seeing how God provided the things that were the needs just increases your faith in him and your trust in him. But also I, I personally believe that when we view what has happening in a way where God’s having compassion on us through his body, we then have an opportunity in the future to have compassion on other people in the same kind of way. And I think that that’s something that for sure happened for both Isaac and I, where like generosity was something that we tried to practice before, but really it wasn’t at a sacrificial level. So then when we were in a position that, like people were literally sacrificing things so that we could have some a little even, you know, it was super humbling. And we realized like we should be giving more. And I think that that is a really special, unique thing that if you’re willing to let your kids be a part of the truth of what you’re walking through, they can grow spiritually in like in maturity and in ways that you cannot teach them by reading a book. You cannot teach them through words. It’s something they have to experience God and and it’s so life changing. It’s so memorable that it’s those heart moments with the Lord, right? Those little heart connections here and there.

It’s amazing. It’s amazing. And what, you know, if you’re in that situation. I want to ask you, are you praying in faith? Are you asking God for help in faith? And I just want to encourage you to do that. And are you being transparent with those you’re walking with? I want to make sure you’re doing those two things because they’re important. They’re important, and it’s something we can’t run the race alone. And sometimes that’s spiritual help, sometimes that’s practical help, and sometimes we’re the ones helping. And it’s just a beautiful thing to see the body of Christ come together when there is transparency, when we are praying in faith and trusting God completely. And that’s when we’re tested, when there’s challenges. Look at your challenges in life. Did you trust God completely? And if not, don’t beat yourself up about that. But let’s grow. Let’s read our word. Let’s let’s read what God says because he promises us that he will take care of us.

Galatians 513 also says for you. So we talked about this, how you’re called to freedom, Right. And not to use our freedom as an opportunity for flesh. So one of the things that comes to mind that we that we really wanted to talk to you about is this concept of how materialism is more of the flesh, actually. And so, you know, while we mentioned like this as an open handed issue, the gift giving thing, right? And that we live in freedom like this verse says, there’s also the next part of that verse that’s super important to not overlook, which says that we don’t use our freedom as an opportunity for the flesh. So even though you have the freedom to be giving gifts, we should never use that as an as an opportunity for the flesh, which would be materialism in this case. Right. And so we don’t want to focus on that, but instead, through love, serve one another, which that’s what Jesus came to do. Right? And then in Acts 20, verse 35, it says, In all things, I have shown you that by working hard in this way, we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how He himself said, It is more blessed to give than receive.

And so when it comes to meaning versus materialism here, because that’s the topic of today, what it all boils down to is motives of the heart. Right? And, and like when we evaluate, okay, so as we’re discipling our children and we’re going about all of the different activities and traditions and all the things are our children being disciples up in this concept, did they get to practice how it feels that it’s more blessed to give? Are they going to get to experience that this year? Are they going to get to give a gift, whether that’s something financial that they worked hard to earn and then they went and bought it for somebody in need, Or maybe they make something or maybe they serve someone, right? Like, are we prioritizing that over them, learning what it feels like to receive over and over and over again. Right. And understanding that, like what we focus on of those two things is actually going to that’s the sowing. And we will reap either materialism in our child’s heart or the true meaning of Christmas.

Let’s face it, Gen Generation Z is a generation that a large portion of believe in socialism. There’s how do we we did an episode on this once. How do we make sure our kids don’t have entitled attitudes? Here’s just a beautiful opportunity as we go into the Christmas season to really train up our kids in loving, giving and knowing how special that is and how it feels and how that’s the real blessing and in the meaning of Christmas in Jesus’s birth and why Jesus is so important, so important so we can be right with.

God and that it’s because of him that we even want to give. Right like that He gave us God, gave us the greatest gift and giving us Jesus. The wise men modeled what it look like to open up their treasures and give the best gifts. And then Jesus died for the whole world to save us from our sins. And like that is an ultimate gift that of course we could never repay that, right? But like for our kids to have such thankfulness and contentment in their hearts because they have Jesus, who’s also called the Prince of Peace. You just read that verse to me earlier today. Like, I just even think of like, that title that Jesus has of Prince of Peace. And if he’s abiding in us and we’re abiding in him, then there’s going to be a level of contentment there, because peace and contentment go together, right? Like you can’t have contentment without having peace. And so the contentment comes from truly understanding that we, God has given us more than we deserve.

So, hey, Merry Christmas.

See you next time, guys. Hey, thanks for listening to this episode. For more resources, go to courageous parenting and courageous mom dot com for free online workshops, blog posts and bestselling courses. Also, we wanted to quickly tell you about our six week online parenting mentor program. Isaac and I created a powerful biblical curriculum. Here’s how it works. Each week we release a video with a downloadable parenting packet to make it easy for you to incorporate those teachings directly into your parenting.

This is an incredible, self paced program where we cover everything from obedience training to overcoming mistakes most Christians are making. But more than that, it’s a supportive community. You’ll have access to our private online group, live Webcasts and the courageous parenting text message line where Angie and I can send you weekly encouragement straight to your phone.

If you’re interested in joining our next online parenting mentor program, secure your spot now at CourageousParenting.com

Do you ever wonder about the world your children are going to be inheriting? When you ponder their future do you become anxious or worried? I think now more than ever before we hear a very similar narrative from parents, regardless of how old their children are; and rightfully so. Here at Be Courageous Ministries, we advocate for parenting in reality; fully aware of the culture wars of our generation and proactively parenting to equip our children as best as possible. I would say that the past three years, especially, parents have woken up to the harsh realities of the fallen world we live in. The truth is the world has always been this way, fallen. And the sins of today are not new to this generation though we would all like to believe that. The truth found in God’s Word reveals that these same temptations to sin and struggles existed even in biblical days. So what is the solution or encouragement? Join Angie and her daughter Megan as they share biblical truth and good reminders about where our hope is really to be found– in Jesus!

Main Points From This Episode:

• Be ENCOURAGED as you hear from Megan Tolpin, who is almost 18 yrs old, about her excitement for her future! 
• A Biblical perspective on Purpose amidst a fallen generation. 
• The importance of being aware of the culture wars your children will face & allowing that reality along with a biblical perspective on our identity in Christ to impact your decisions as a parent. 
• The importance of instilling in your teens that there is a major purpose in life while single– being content in this season and choosing to glorify God in it. 
• Our Hope is in Jesus. Specifically talking about being His
• The illusion of control
• Leaving a NEW Legacy

Scripture From This Episode:

Philippians 4:11-14 – “Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Nevertheless you have done well that you shared in my distress.”

2 Timothy 4:3-5 – “For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, because they have itching ears, they will heap up for themselves teachers; and they will turn their ears away from the truth, and be turned aside to fables. But you be watchful in all things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.”

Matthew 28:19-20 – “Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Amen.”

Philippians 4:6-7 – “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; ⁷ and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

Matthew 6:34 – “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

If The Spirit Prompts You to Financially Support (We are a for-profit, for social good organization.)

Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

Welcome to Courageous Parenting Podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Hi, I’m Angie from Courageous Mom.

And I’m Isaac from Resolute Man.

We’ve been married for 21 years and have seen the fruit from raising our eight kids biblically. Based on the raw truth found in the Bible.

We can no longer let the culture win the hearts of children. Too many children from Christian families are walking away from their faith by age 18. And it doesn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t be this way. Join us as we start an important conversation about effective parenting and the following.

Hey, everybody. Hey. Welcome to the Courageous Parenting Podcast. Thank you guys so much for joining us again for another week. Today, we have an important topic we’re going to be talking about. Well, this is a question that we get a lot. It is. Are you scared for your kid’s future? This is a conversation that I feel like keeps coming up over and over again, whether it’s young moms who think about when their kids are going to be launching from the home and how crazy the world is today and thinking ahead to 15 to 20 years down the road and just kind of going, oh, our hope is lost is kind of like the kind of the theme, if I’m honest, that I hear from people and even people who are in that decision making season of like not sure if they want to have more kids. And we’re not going to talk about that super, super in depth. We did do a whole podcast on should Christians have children in uncertain times. Please go find that I think it’s in season two or three, but we’re going to dive into this topic of Are you scared for your kid’s future? And I have a special guest with me today because she has just graduated high school. So I have my daughter Megan here, everyone.

I’m so happy to be here.

So Megan is almost 18. She’s going to be 18 in a couple of weeks, and she graduated in July. And she has a very bright future ahead of her. We’ll be talking about that in a second. But Isaac and I were just contemplating this particular just an encouraging wanting an encouraging word for those who are feeling overwhelmed as they are raising their kids and looking at what’s happening in the world. And we went, you know what? This is perfect for Megan to come and talk to the other parents about. So we’re excited to connect with you guys on this. But before we dive in here, did you guys know that we have a kid’s podcast? It’s called The Courageous Kids Podcast, and Megan has been sharing on the kids podcast for a while. Yeah, Yeah.

I mean, all of us kids have that are still at home.

Yeah. Yeah. So it’s been going for at least I’m just trying to think when we got started it was probably.

Like when the app.

Started, right? Oh, it was a year.

Ago, a little.

Bit before that, because we had it out and then we decided, Oh, we’re going to keep it in the app. Yeah, like more special.

You’re right, you’re right. So for those of you who don’t know, you know, we homeschool and we have nine kids ranging in age 22 down to one and one half years old. We currently have seven kids living at home. Megan just graduated, so she’s actually working now. We’ll get into that in a minute. But we wanted to do something with the kids that was ministry focused, but also is giving them the experience in speech making and speech and debate, if you will, or public speaking. Yeah, yeah. And you know, dad’s always been super passionate about that. Yeah, I for sure see it as definitely like one of the top things the kids have to be equipped for before they leave, leaving a legacy academy, which is what we call our school. But for sure, that is definitely been more like Isaac has pushed that that that particular agenda. I would say more than anything leading that and I’m really thankful for it. So we started out the podcast wanting an option for our high schoolers to be able to fill the gap with a speech and debate and creating keyword outlines, communicating their beliefs, teaching all of those things, which was awesome. But then we realized, well, for this to be ongoing, we probably should compensate. So we started compensating the kids per episode and the money that they make is different based upon their age and like the content that’s in their podcast and how long, because Megan puts a lot of effort into hers, which we super appreciate, but hers are definitely more meaty than, say, Eli’s and Sullivan’s.

Maybe just a little bit. There’s just this.

Spiritual maturity thing. Yes, it’s a bit different. But what’s neat is that that money that they earn goes into a special account to help them with entrepreneurial pursuits. And so just wanted to share that with you guys. Maybe that’s inspiring for you to figure out something that you can do with your kids where they can be putting money aside for something entrepreneurial. That’s always awesome. But one of the I wanted to ask you, Megan, maybe you could share with the audience some of the titles of the podcast that you have.

Yeah.

Done over.

The years. I did one on having faith like Daniel, and then I’ve done one on the difference between joy and happiness and what that looks like in biblical sense. And I’ve done one on dealing with conflict with siblings and not letting ages and limit you. I have a few more. Those are the off the top of my head right now.

But one of my favorite ones that you did was on Identity and Christ. Super impactful for kids, but also for parents. I can’t tell you how many times when people who are in our app because that’s where our podcast is now, the Kids podcast is exclusively in the Be Courageous app. So if you want to find out more about that, just go to be courageous ministry dot org and find out about that. But all the podcasts are there. I think we have over 62 of the Kids podcast episodes, so great conversation starters for kids. Like some of them are 3 minutes, some are 15. If Meghan does them and they’re more medium.

Or short to get. Pretty simple.

That’s true. Yeah. And so they’re just really good conversation starters for kids and parents, maybe as they’re driving or whatever. But it’s been an encouragement to a lot of adults too, where they listen to your podcast and they come back and they text me and they’re like, Wow, I needed to hear that. And so that’s an encouragement to you. But anyway, so just wanted to say thank you guys for joining us and supporting the 10 Million Legacies Movement means so much to our entire family. Obviously, this is everyone. It’s like all hands on deck, I.

Feel like.

Because you guys help with babysitting the younger kids when we’re shooting a podcast or doing a live.

And definitely a family orientated thing.

For sure and been neat because now they’re teaching too and they’re involved in a different aspect of it as well, which is super awesome for me as mom to watch that. But well, let’s dive into today’s topic. Are you scared for your kids future? This this is a conversation we have three points for you today we’re going to talk about. I’m actually going to kind of interview Megan and have her share about what she is looking forward to in the future, because I think it will be encouraging for you guys who maybe are feeling this fear of what’s going on in the world and how that’s going to impact your kids futures. It might be encouraging for you to hear a young person who sees the reality of what’s happening in the world but is not discouraged by it. And then after she shares a little bit about that, we’re going to talk about how, yes, the world is fallen. And three, our hope is in Jesus and we’ve got some scripture for you guys. This is going to be a great episode. So yeah. Megan, can I just say, first of all, I’m so proud of you. I’m so proud of the woman that you have become. And I don’t know if you guys follow Megan on Instagram. She’s on Instagram. Megan Toppin, And she has some heart desires that she’s pursuing. Why don’t you share with people what is next now that you’ve graduated? Yes. What is next?

So what’s been next so far for me is I work for my parents a little bit on side like 4 hours a day. I’m a manager of bakery, just coffee, Instagram and do some like just involvement with email listing and all that stuff and creating things and but what my passions are and what I’m pursuing passions wise is recently a midwife has come into our community in our church, and she’s so amazing and super like minded and just had the perfect timing. And I’ve always had the desire to be able to bless other women as they’re bringing a new child into the world and just be there for them and learning about it. And so I’ve been able to be an assistant of hers and learn things. And I mean, she’s taught me some really cool things that I think is so amazing that I can use in my future, like suturing or understanding a little bit of like how to save a baby’s life if the airway’s not working as well as it should be. And a lot of really cool things that I’m thankful for knowing and thankful for her being in my life and having that opportunity right in front of me. And I’m also going to pursue becoming a doula and like getting my certificate and that and doing online schooling and see where the Lord takes that. And I know that my heart is always been drawn towards that. So I’m excited to see what that looks like. I’m still figuring out what it looks like, but I mean, first steps right here and then I also have always had the desire to have some sort of ministry and just encourage and uplift my generation because there’s a lot of brokenness in the world. There’s a lot. It’s a fallen world and there’s a lot of loneliness. And it may look peculiar. What I want to do, I’m not really sure what it’s going to look like. Yeah, I know. The first thing is I’m been trying to launch my own podcast and excited. Yeah, really excited to see the Lord takes it and just praying about it a lot.

Yeah. So that’s kind of a passion project, as Dad likes to call them, passion projects. I love that. But I would say even just like pursuing becoming a doula and serving women in midwifery or or in do low work, whatever it is, has been a passion of yours too, that you’ve been like really looking forward to. Yeah. So for those of you who are out there who have daughters and maybe you have been, you know, I think that this topic of like wanting to have your daughters at your birth or like this is not what the podcast is about, but I’m just going to bring it up briefly. Sometimes people get scared to let their kids into like intimate things, and I would definitely say birth as an intimate thing, right? And it’s definitely something you want to pray about and got to be something that you and your spouse are in alignment about. But Megan came to one of my. Earth’s for the first time when she was four and a half when Ethan was born. That was our sixth. And she has been at every birth since then. And so she’s been my doula, trained by mom. Really. Her and Kelsey have been four since actually since Luke, because Kelsey was at Luke’s birth and he is now 14.

So the girls have been by my side at different levels and they both had had an interest in either midwifery or something like that. But it’s just really neat to see, Megan, how God has brought in this opportunity, like she was saying and having. Yeah, he’s opened doors for her to right now she’s a birth assistant and, and kind of like an apprentice style setup, which is super organic. And we love this because it’s exactly what fits for her season of life right now. So, so she starts doing school in about a month and that’s exciting as far as becoming a doula and she’s working on this podcast so you guys can be praying for Megan, be on the lookout for what she’s going to be doing. But I just I think that it’s exciting for you guys to hear that. Like there there is a way, right? There is a way. I mean, I think that my parents generation and maybe even, well, multiple generations, I think about my grandparents. There was always this push for kids to go to college right out of high school.

Yeah, I see it. Yeah.

So and it’s not that Dad and I were like, not you guys. We weren’t against.

No.

Yeah. You know, going to college.

What us kids, like, our passions are right.

Yeah. And wanting you to follow God’s will for your life and, you know, and sometimes certain professions, it’s like, required to have higher education for certain things. I definitely would not be like submitting my brain to brain surgery unless there was a train surgeon underneath there.

Right.

And so, like, obviously there are certain professions that require higher education in that regard. But I think that in the last three years, especially, everybody’s eyes have been open to this like agenda that we all kind of thought was there, or maybe some people didn’t realize it was there. But now it’s undeniable to where we’re like, yeah, where it’s like there’s definitely they’re not just teaching things that kids are going to school for. They’re teaching a whole different liberal agenda. That’s actually it doesn’t even I could just say it’s sinful, It’s literally teaching evil and trying to corrupt children. I just see the enemy all over. I’m sure you guys do as well. And that is the aspect that can be so discouraging when you’re thinking about your kid’s future and you want them to be equipped and prepared and you’re like, How do we get from A to B and our kids still be saved and be ready for the world? That’s like, really? That’s like the bottom line for parents right there. Right? And I just want to encourage you guys because it it does not have to look like how maybe you’ve had it in your head that it has to look like. And when you’re following the Lord and you’re praying and you’re seeking him earnestly, God provides unique open doors like what Meghan has experienced with this opportunity. So I think that’s super cool. But Meghan, beyond being like a doula and that kind of thing, it’s more of like a ministry desire. Yeah. What are your dreams and desires for? Like, let’s say, five, ten years down the road?

Well, I’ve always loved the idea of being a mom and a wife and that, like the Lord has definitely put that in my heart. And I can’t wait to utilize the gifts that God’s given me, like cooking and and really go with Kelly and pray for my husband. And I’m excited for when that journey approaches. But in the meantime, being content when you’re single and being content and where God has put you like then and not being too comfortable where you are, but growing and pushing yourself to further more build the kingdom.

God’s kingdom. Yeah, totally.

I want to take a moment and give you something for free if you haven’t got it already. Is the date night one sheet? It is a beautiful document you can download that will have some key questions on it for your date night to just get in alignment about what’s most important for your family. No matter what time of year, it’s always important to recalibrate. You can get that by going to parenting dot com and subscribing to our mailing list. Also, you can get all of our show notes and everything at courageous parenting dot com. And I also just want to share real quick about the parenting Mentor program. So many families are being transformed by going through this. It’s the six week self paced program with live engagement from us and even direct interaction. So if you want to join us, here’s a little bit more about it and you can find out more at courageous parenting dot com.

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To raise our children.

We have so.

Many answers to the questions.

That have been in our mind. It’s not just these hypothetical situations or it’s not just this. Here’s what I think you should do. It’s let me show you where in scripture this is. Do your legacy a favor and yourself a favor and just do it. One of the best things that we’ve done this year, one of the best investments we’ve made this year, and I could not recommend it more. We’re no longer fearing dark days ahead, but we’re so excited to raise lights to be leaders for the next generation.

So as we were discussing, discussing this specific topic of like finding contentment, like in the season of singleness, for example, to glorify God, there was a verse in Philippians chapter four, verse 11 through 14 that we wanted to share with you guys and says, Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am in to be content. I, I know how to be brought low and I know how to abound in any and every circumstance. I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. And this this concept of like contentment like we all know well most adults know most kids probably don’t know. But I feel like, you know, because we’ve lived in a very transparent way as far as like even walking through trials with you kids to where, like, we didn’t hide the miscarriage, we didn’t hide the business failures. Yeah. And we wanted you guys to learn from how we were walking through it, like being real and transparent about pain and loss and suffering. But but also, like seeing mom and Dad still praising God and.

And lifting it together as a family and glorifying him. Yeah. Yeah.

And growing like, what? Is there anything, Lord, that I need to grow in and, and being transparent with our communities as we walk through those hard things. I think that all of that like because you kids sat in church with us and you saw the confessions, you saw the prayer requests, you were there.

For all of it. Probably more than I even realized.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think that it’s interesting how much we take for granted, right? Like, it’s easy to just, like, assume everybody else has something similar to you. But I know that you know what you’ve that the family that you’ve been raised with has been a gift from God. And I. I know that like being married to a man who loves the Lord has been a gift, that having kids who love Jesus has been a gift like I. Neither of us take any of that for granted. But I do think that, like even in the midst of just daily life, it’s easy for the enemy to tempt us to become content, or it’s easy for us to operate in our flesh and forget to be thankful. And then that unfaithfulness can very quickly turn to discontentment and thinking like worst case scenario, Oh, I wish my life was different. Or Oh, I wish this, you know.

Instead of constantly focusing on the negative, look at all the little blessings that God’s put in your life all around you.

Totally. And so I think that it’s interesting, like as you’re in this specific season, like a lot of especially within the Christian community, I think that with girls there’s this like lie that they believe that their life doesn’t start until they get married. Yeah. And that is putting too much weight and hope on like a person, another human being that is going to potentially let you down. Right. Like and what I mean by let down is like they’re human. And so like, we can’t put our hope. Yeah, we can’t put our hope in another person, but like, like not living on purpose. And then because you’re like, I don’t have a life until I get married. Right. But that’s the opposite of what you’re pursuing.

To have independence when you’re single and be able to pursue what God’s put into your heart and try and make an impact while you can. Like I view it as like a beautiful season of life where like, I don’t like I’m not saying of being a wife or having family as a burden because it’s not at all it’s a blessing. But to have that like it could be a little bit like in the way of like what God has put in my heart right now to desire to do ministry right now. Like, I probably would take a break if I’m starting a family, right? But right now I don’t have that. And so it’s just it’s a way for me to look at the glimpse of all of it and be like, okay, God is giving me the tools now. I have the desire. Now I need to take action.

Yeah, and it’s interesting too, because I feel like even within the context of the family that you’re obviously you’re still living at home and like seeing that you have a ministry with your younger siblings and you talk. About that in the Kids podcast, like in different things that you teach on, like conflict between siblings and different things like that. And it’s super powerful to for you to understand and have a purpose and go, I’m here for this reason right now, and I see that in you, like when you babysit Zander or you’re watching the boys, like I see a distinct purposefulness where I come in and there’s joy and the kids are happy because Sissy’s been like pouring into them and making it fun. And she, like, truly delights in her younger siblings when it’s her turn to watch the kids. And so it’s like, that’s a huge blessing for me. But it also is like, you know, building her relationship with her siblings and she gets that. But it’s also preparing her for her future as well, like being patient with kids and like understanding and having compassion on little ones. And like, that’s practice for that muscle.

The relationship with your siblings while you’re home intact and still pursuing them, even though you may have all of the other big things ahead of you, like they’re going to be with you for the rest of your life.

Whether you.

Like it or don’t like it.

And so building the relationships are super important. That’s right. So let’s move into the next thing after you guys. Wasn’t that encouraging? Can I just like that’s just super encouraging to see someone that’s like, I’m not letting this world get to me. I’m going to keep pursuing the things that God has put on my heart. I just I think that that’s really cool. The next thing we want to talk about in regards to this, are you scared for your kid’s future? The world is fallen, isn’t it? It’s just it is. It’s a hard, hard world. But the reality is, is that the world has always been fallen. And we need to remember that God hasn’t placed us here for us to, like, dwell in a spirit of pity, but instead for us to have our eyes wide open, not be conformed to the world like it talks about in Romans 12, but instead understand what our purpose is and be pursuing that. Right, Right. And so, you know, obviously, like one of the things that Megan and I were talking about just I mean, it’s easy to to recognize what’s going on in the world. There was just the elections. Right. Right. Last week and or two weeks ago. And if it wasn’t for you, you’ve probably heard this everywhere. If it wasn’t for Gen Z, which is your generation, if it wasn’t for them, like if they had not voted, the whole nation of the United States would most likely be red and and there would be a huge overturn of things that are like exploiting children to things that are completely inappropriate, that are, in my opinion, child abuse, that are happening like all over the country actually doesn’t matter where you live. Even in really red states, there’s still the enemy is still attacking and trying to get in and trying to exploit children.

How much waywardness there is in Generation.

Z.

Totally so sad.

And it’s in every generation. I’m not saying that it’s not, but but it is a very large demographic issue of the way that they voted made a huge impact. And so you just think when you hear that kind of stuff, you think about, wow, in ten years when all of them are going to be in their early thirties or in 20 years when they’re all in their early forties and they’re running the nation, right, Like, where is this world going to be? And so it would be easy to be discouraged. But I just want to point out that like.

This, to be that way.

No, you don’t have to have that perspective. We actually have a choice in choosing our perspective, and we need to understand that the world has always been fallen. And the truth is, is we’ve actually been very blessed here in America, specifically in the Western culture, because this kind of complete just debauchery has been common all over the world throughout generations. Right. And so we had another scripture that we were going to share with you guys.

Timothy four three through five four. The time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears, they will accumulate for themselves, teachers to suit their own passions and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. As for you, always be sober minded in dear suffering. Do the work of event evangelists. Oh sorry. Where am I? Fulfill your ministry.

So you guys, this is a this is a command sentence. Like, as I even think about just some of the words that we’re in there, sober minded comes to mind. What is sober minded? Like being aware and not thinking of yourself more haughty, right? Having a humble heart posture, recognizing. So if that’s part of what sober minded means, sober minded is also like understanding the reality of the world that we live in and how we are affected by it, how we are potentially influenced, being sober minded and being vigilant, like being vigilant to protect ourselves from those negative influences. But also it’s not just protecting yourself. It’s like, what are you filling your. Mind with so that you can actually discern it when it comes because.

Produce bad fruit or good.

Fruit. Right. And if you’re like not in the word and you’re still going, Oh, but I’m vigilant, I’m not letting the bad stuff in, but you’re not filling your mind with the word. You will.

Detect.

That you won’t because it’s the Holy Spirit, right that’s in you that gives you the discernment to be able to test what’s pleasing, what the perfect will of God is. Right. And so, like, that’s just a huge warning to me. But also this talks about the need for us to endure suffering and do the work of an evangelist and fulfill your ministry like God has given you a ministry depending on what season of life you’re in. So maybe there are some young people that are listening today because maybe some of our normal listeners, they have some teenagers and they’re like, Oh, the kids have Megan on there today. Let’s listen together. And that’s really cool. If you’re listening with your parents or maybe you’re listening or on your own, but you have a ministry and it doesn’t start when you get married. It doesn’t start when you launch from your parents home, like understanding that God created you with a purpose. He knew you before you were born, like it says in Psalm 139. Here I am quoting scriptures we didn’t plan to talk about. Right. But in truth, in reality, like understanding that God has a purpose for your life and you part of your purpose was being equipped and being taught and becoming prepared. Your parents are supposed to be preparing you so that you can fulfill the purposes that God has for you in this next season also.

But like part of that is also walking it out on a day to day basis, and sometimes it means that you will endure suffering, but that you’re regardless of if you’re enduring suffering, you still do the work of an evangelist and you fulfill your ministry. I think that another thing that’s super important that I think is probably the thing that’s bothering parents more than anything in here, it said for the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears, they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions. And we’ll turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. That is actually the thing that we’ve all as parents become more aware of recently. And the truth is that that alone should been a motivator for all parents to really evaluate who are we letting our kids sit in front of and who are we putting a stamp of approval on and saying be an influence to them because we can’t throw our hands up at the end of the day and be like, Well, I raise them going to church. I don’t know why they walked away. If we saw the signs in the culture like this, like people not enduring sound teaching and we did not change course in choosing better teachers, you know what I mean? And so I would say, like if there was something that if you’re listening, you have younger kids, if there is something that you could do practically, I would say the number one most important thing that you could do is to be watchful and be ready, because it said for a time is coming.

Well, we are in that time. We are in that time. I’m sure that you would agree that there is an agenda to try to make. Right, wrong and wrong. Right. Bittersweet and sweet, bitter. And the Bible says woe to the man who does that. Right. And so we don’t want our kids to be sitting in the seat of scoffers and learning from those people that are teaching those wayward philosophies. So, you know, I think that being sober minded helps us to have realistic views of what’s going on in the world and helps us to then we can make wise decisions. Right? And so I think that as parents, we have the responsibility to make decisions with our kids, especially when they’re younger. You and I were talking about this earlier, how there’s a great analogy that I once learned from a mentor of ours many, many years ago that was that raising kids and protecting them is kind of like when you’re you’re planting seeds and you start them out first, either in the greenhouse or maybe they’re in your garage and they’ve got the special lights and they have the protected environment.

There’s no harsh wind, right? There’s no pouring down rain that’s going to beat the little seedlings to the ground. Nope. There’s a little three year old with a spritzer bottle going, you know, giving them just the right amount for like 20 minutes in their fingers and then they switch hands. You know, it’s so cute. But the truth is, is you do you kind of protect them? You protect the seeds when they’re first planted and then as they grow up, you have to do what we call hardening them off. Right. And so for us living in Idaho, that means I start seeds in either in our garage or in our studio, and then we move them to the cold frame. And then after they’re in the cold frame, we let them be outside for a few hours and then we put them back in the cold frame, and then we let them after a week or two of doing that every day, we let them be outside a little longer and then. Put him back in at night.

But only when we think they’re ready.

Only when they’re ready. And we pay attention to the weather. And we pay attention to the climate. Oh, is there going to be another frost? Is there going to be another snow? Is there going to be what’s going on? Is it going to be too hot that day or are they going to get scorched in the cold frame? We have to pay attention to the elements. Right. And make wise decisions so that the seeds survive and don’t die. I mean, that’s like a very blunt representation, right? And then when they’re ready, you harden when the when the weather is potentially looking ready to where you’re not going to have any more threats like that, you can put them in the ground. Right.

And then they have to deal with the weather.

Right. And maybe you cover them for a little for another week while they’re in the ground. Who knows, depending on where you’re at. But the truth is there’s a process of of doing that when you’re in a place. And so, like, you have to evaluate what is the climate of where you live, because it may be different than where we live here in Idaho. And so you need to be realistic. Take rose tinted glasses off, evaluate the climate that your kids are being raised in, and you have to make wise decisions as far as like what you protect them from, what you expose them to so that they are ready to launch into the world and they’re not going to have issues where or maybe not as many issues, right, because they’re more equipped. But I think that this this topic of the next the next point that we have for you guys is keeping our hope in Jesus, because I think that sometimes the heaviness that can hit parents is really reflective of the fact that we think that we have more control than we actually do. And so I know that this may seem like contradictory to what I was just saying about evaluating making decisions. That’s super important. That’s a practical thing for sure. But the truth is, is I think that sometimes we worry because we believe that this illusion that we have more control than we actually do, when in reality exactly God’s in control.

Whereas born, serving.

Right and understanding like again, going back to that concept and teaching your kids that they have a purpose is super important and teaching them what the greatest purpose.

Is, which is Matthew 2819 through 20. Go there for it and make disciples of all nations baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all the eye of community. To and behold, I’m with you always. To the end of the age. It’s pretty clear that’s what we’re called to do, is make disciples of all nations and be a bond servant to Christ and allow him to make our steps, allow him to write our story and giving him the pen.

That’s awesome. I think to when we when we’re talking about the Great Commission for Kids to understand that, like, truly, like, get what Jesus has done for them. Yeah. And teaching kids this concept of what eternity is and what life on earth is. And what I mean by that is like having perspective, having a worldview, and having a biblical worldview, biblical perspective of life, understanding like the Bible says that life is a vapor and that it’s gone in a blink of an eye. I mean, people are always saying it right, Like, Oh, you blink and your kids are going to be grown up. Right? And it is true. Like life goes by fast and the older you get, the more you actually sense that it goes by fast.

But even though it’s going by fast to understand the value that you have in what God has planned for you.

Exactly. I think that, like if we as parents were to encourage our children that God has a plan for them and he made them for this time for a reason and for kids to be open to serving God in whatever that is, that’s huge, right? And and so I think sometimes kids forget or they just don’t even know. I think a lot of times parents don’t think to, like, instill in their kids.

That, hey.

You know, you have a purpose right now in a ministry right now. And like, you know, if you love Jesus and you understand eternity, you’ve accepted Christ, you’re born again.

Like understanding that the God who created the whole universe and he wants you to be an impact in building his kingdom.

Amen. And like, when your kids grow up with understanding what eternity is and how short their life is actually going to be here on Earth, then their perspective towards actually like having this urgency to be an evangelist, right. Or an urgency of like, I need to do this right now. Kind of like what you were saying. Like you’re looking forward to being a wife and mom, but you’re also super content in this season of singleness because you know that God’s called you to do a few things that need to be done right now that you would not necessarily be doing when you’re a wife and a mom. Right. And just and that’s what you have personally decided. So it’s like for for for Megan, like she understands that. And so she’s like, okay, that’s the season I’m in. Let’s go. And it’s it’s a good, healthy place to be. And that is actually the message that kids need to hear is like, okay, you’re moving into this next season, which is super exciting. What has got to have for you? But understanding that as parents, we need to be the ones that are encouraging our kids in that and teaching them that. So Philippians four, verse six and seven, says, Do not be anxious about anything. So actually it starts before that. I love this. I have to just share with you the Lord is at hand. I love that the king is going to be coming.

He will be. We’ve been reading in Revelations as a family, and it’s just kind of fun to to read that. But the Lord is at hand. Do not be anxious about anything. This is a word for all the parents who are anxious and scared for the kids future. Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and supplication with Thanksgiving, let your request be made known to God and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Then it goes on into the finally brothers. Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just pure. It’s like commanding God’s Word is commanding us to focus on those things. But I don’t want to skip over this important exhortation that we have in the book of Philippians, because it’s kind of an equation that tells us that if we are if we’re choosing to not be anxious, one thing that we can do to help ourselves, to not be anxious, is to pray and sup and have supplication with Thanksgiving and give our requests to the Lord for us parents. Like if you’re struggling with that, like you need to be praying for your kids and for their future so that they like because God is actually the one that is in control. More than anything. You do your part well and you pray really hard and you give God the trust because he’s worthy of being trusted.

He’s in control of tomorrow, which is what this Bible verse is talking about. It’s Matthew 634. It says, therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow. For tomorrow we’ll be anxious for it’s self sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

So even that like that’s an exhortation for us to why.

Are why.

Are we thinking about tomorrow.

Right. Like it’s not our jurisdiction to know.

And I mean, there’s other scriptures that we could read. I’m sure you guys are thinking of the birds of the air and how does not soil or, you know, or God takes care of the birds of the air and how much more does. He’d take care of his own children. If you’ve been walking with the Lord, I’m sure that you have testimonies and examples in your life of how God has provided. And I know I do. And just even thinking about those testimonies helps me to remember that he’s a God worthy of being trusted and to surrender back to him. My worries and my fears through prayer and giving them back to him. When I start getting tempted to take things into my own hands. And so I hope that that is an encouraging and encouraging word to you, but I also hope that it’s one that spurs you to be proactive about giving God your fears, giving God your worries. And and, you know, one thing I think that is super important is that God calls us as parents as well as young people to be holy because he’s holy. And so when we are choosing to walk in a way that God has called us to because we love him, because we want to follow his Word, because we know that God has our best interest at hand and we’re seeking him for wisdom. And we’re we’re trying to do what’s right in the eyes of the Lord to live righteously. Right. Because, yeah, that’s what God calls us to when we’re trying to do that. And things go hard because life can be hard sometimes. We still can glorify him in those times. And I think that those are the pivotal times that our kids have an opportunity more than anything, to learn what life is about. That’s actually the best boot camp for them is to see us.

How many times my parents have been like, Well, it’s okay. Even though this is happening right now, like look at what God did do. And that’s so impactful and so beautiful to see the good side of things. And it it will influence your kids if you’re open and you’re sharing with them about the hardships.

I haven’t think about like people who maybe are listening and are leaving a new legacy. I know that Isaac and I have shared a little bit about our story here in the podcast before, but if there’s stuff that’s in your past or just even things that you’ve grown up with, that you’ve become very, very vividly aware of the worldliness that exists in the world. I’ll just put it that way for maybe some little ears that are listening and you’re aware of what’s going on. One of the things that I know that has been helpful for Isaac and I and something that we felt called to by the Lord is in a spirit of humility to share with our kids about the mistakes that we have made, about the regrets that we have from our childhood or our youth or or just even sharing with them like how grateful we are that Jesus saved us and that He changed us, that he gave us a new life. That when we were born again in him, we are a new creation. And how much of a blessing we’ve been able to we’ve been walking in this for 23 years, since we’ve been married, right where we’ve been building a new legacy and not hiding that truth of what’s truth about the world is what I’m saying. Like, don’t hide that from your kids, but instead humbly. So choosing not to allow the spirit of pride to exist in you and humbly being honest about those things so that your children are more prepared and more equipped and don’t make. I mean, hopefully, Lord willing, not the same mistakes, right? I mean, that’s.

One of the things like you you as a parent, you did do all you can. And yeah, I mean, we’re not perfect. And I’m sure, like, everyone makes mistakes, but it is the kids. It’s their own walk with the Lord and that’s their own path and just nurturing and being loving and by their side and just doing everything that the Bible has told you to do. The best thing is we can do. But. Yeah, it’s. It’s. It’s their own walk with the Lord.

You know, there’s two things that kind of come to mind as we’re about to wrap up here. But one of the things that I get asked a lot is, hey, so when Kelsey went to college or when Austin got married and they were X age or whatever, like, how did you know? Like, do you does it feel weird? Like, were they ready? And honestly, that was, well, maybe for you as their sister, right? Because you saw yourself as like an equal with them for sure. But like, for me as a mom, I knew that I had done all I could do to raise them up in the Lord. And I had been faithful as much as possible. And I there was nothing more like I literally got to the end and I was like, okay, I feel like I’ve done due diligence and now it’s up to you. And God, like I had to let my.

Hands open their own experience.

Right? And like, I think that when you have done that, to be able to go into that launch season, you’re not hanging on tight and like, Oh.

Wait, wait, wait, come back, come back. No, I forgot to tell you this week.

Yeah, yeah. And it’s not that like there haven’t been times where I’ve had conversations. Of course there have, like, you know, I just even think of Austin now being a dad for the first time, there have been a whole host of new types of conversations that we’ve been able to have, and it’s been awesome and it’s brought us closer. But like when you raise your kids in such a way where you trust them and or maybe you don’t trust them, but you trust God in them, right? Because you see the fruit in their life, then you feel good about them launching and you can have hands off and trust the Lord. And I guess that that would like isn’t that that’s my hope for myself. That’s my hope for all the parents that are out there. But Megan, why don’t you share about the last thing that we had talked talked about just regarding moving into the future and not having fear of the future because of all the what ifs?

Yeah, not focusing on the what ifs, but knowing like if you’re constantly thinking about what if tomorrow like the Bible verse was talking about, then that that creates anxiety in your heart and that creates worry and fear of man rather than fear of God, and instead thinking about if Ben’s like, how am I going to react? How am I to respond, how am I going to glorify God in this certain situation that I see could happen? That’s the real question we should be looking at, not what, Oh, that bad thing is going to happen, what our response is and how we can glorify God and show his light through our trials or our troubles.

I love it so much. One of the verses when she said that, I went, Oh my goodness, that’s so clever. It’s so biblical because I started thinking of the Scripture and I think it’s first Timothy 215 that says, And women shall be saved and childbearing if they continue in faith, love and holiness with sobriety. Some versions say self control and they continue. It’s if they continue. And so like how many women struggle going about like having anxiety about all the unknowns that are going to happen in childbirth like that’s like a huge thing is what if this happens? What if that happens? What if what know? And they and they’re like, really?

Like, I don’t know what’s going to be like.

Even when they are experienced. Every birth is a new birth and there’s always unknowns. And so if you focus on the unknown, what ifs, the anxiety rules, the moment, but instead, if you’re like, Well, I know that my future is in God’s hands, what I need to focus on is my part that I’m called to, which is if I continue in faith, love and holiness with self control, then God.

Will give you the strength to pursue those trials or pursue those hardships.

Right. And then he will be glorified through them, right? Like because trials will eventually come.

And then people see that you’re glorifying God. And that’s amazing because.

It builds his kingdom, Right? And like understanding, like, what is the what is our real purpose in life? At the end of the day, it’s not to like, make ourselves more known. No, it’s to make God known right.

Apart from the world. Be a little sore thumb right there and just be like, I’m different and God exists.

That’s right. And it’s okay to be weird according to what the world thinks and but instead to be, like, strong in who you are and your identity in him and pursuing truth and standing up for truth and knowing that that is like never a loss. Yeah. So thanks for joining us today. I hope you guys were encouraged by our conversation. Check out last week’s podcast as well as we were really encouraging people to take a look at how they’re parenting and how that impacts kids. On if they want to have kids later in life when they’re adults. See you next time.

Bye.

Hey, thanks for listening to this episode. For more resources, go to courageous parenting and courageous mom dot com for free online workshops, blog posts and bestselling courses. Also, we wanted to quickly tell you about our six week online parenting mentor program. Isaac and I created a powerful biblical curriculum. Here’s how it works. Each week we release a video with a downloadable parenting packet to make it easy for you to incorporate those teachings directly into your parenting.

This is an incredible self. Pace program, where we cover everything from obedience training to overcoming mistakes most Christians are making. But more than that, it’s a supportive community. You’ll have access to our private online group, live Webcasts and the courageous parenting text message line where Angie and I can send you weekly encouragement straight to your phone.

If you’re interested in joining our next online parenting mentor program, secure your spot now at CourageousParenting.com

We all know that the Bible teaches that children are a blessing, but will your children believe that by what they experience in your home? When your children are adults will they live that out because of what’s been experientially instilled in them? Too many children launch into the world believing wrong on this, which has major consequences on how they view themselves and how they raise their own families. The good news is, it’s never too late to shift your influence on this and shift the future outcomes. Tune in to be encouraged to raise the next generation well!

Main Points From This Episode:

• What do you believe and does your parenting align with your beliefs?
• It’s good to meditate on what the word of God says about children
• It’s important to expose the lies coming from the world
• We have to be careful about the worldly perspective that children are a burden seeping into the church
• Just because you believe children are a blessing; it doesn’t mean that’s what your children are experiencing. It’s good to have a good marriage conversation about this and even ask your children.

Scripture From This Episode:

Matthew 12:34 – “You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.”

Genesis 1:28 – “And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”

Psalm 127: 1-5 – “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep. Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them. He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.”

Proverbs 17:6 – “Grandchildren are the crown of the aged, and the glory of children is their fathers.”

3 John 1:4 – “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.”

Matthew 18:1-3 – “At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”

Matthew 18:10 – “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.”

1 John 1:8-10 – “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.”

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Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

Welcome to Courageous Parenting Podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Hi, I’m Angie from Courageous Mom.

And I’m Isaac from Resolute Man.

We’ve been married for 21 years and have seen the fruit from raising our eight kids biblically. Based on the raw truth found in the Bible.

We can no longer let the culture win the hearts of children. Too many children from Christian families are walking away from their faith by age 18. And it doesn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t be this way. Join us as we start an important conversation about effective parenting and a following on. Hey, Welcome, everybody.

Hi, guys.

Glad you’re back. Good to have you here if your first time. Welcome.

Hey, you guys. Today we have an awesome topic. We are going to be talking about blessings or burdens. What will your kids believe? That’s what we have titled today’s podcast.

Wow, such a powerful topic. And it was really revealed to us how this resonated with people because of a recent post that did really well. And what that tells us is, wow, this is hitting people’s hearts. Yeah. And so this needs further explanation.

Well, and even in the comments, there were a couple of people that had asked some questions or just brought some things up that they had either experienced or seen themselves that would potentially contribute to children not feeling like they’re a burden when they’re being raised in your home. And so we wanted to have a longer conversation than what obviously like social media, a social media post would allow us to have. Right? Yeah. But we’re just going to let’s start out by maybe reading the post. Sure. You guys can kind of see what we’re talking about in the Post. It said, Make sure your children grow up believing children are a blessing because of their own experience in your home. Now, this was pretty incredible because this post went viral. I mean, as more viral than any of our other posts.

I think like over 3000 people liked it. 10,100 people shared it, Over 600 people saved it. Yeah. It was just it really resonated. Lots of questions. I even followed up with an insta story asking, Hey, why did this resonate with you? Because I was really curious and it was neat to get people’s responses.

Well, and I loved what you wrote in the caption. So that was what was in the image. And then in the caption, You and I had talked about this and you wrote Perfect Parents don’t Exist, But we should all look for ways to grow and improve. Parenting is a refining process and can be discouraging at times, but you can do it. God made you their mom or dad on purpose. And then we quoted Psalm 127 three, which is Behold, children are our heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb, a reward which will go into some of that Scripture later. But I love this, and I think the other people did too, because everybody who saw this probably got convicted from some point in their parenting where they were like, Oh, I probably was making my children feel like they were a burden in that moment or whatever. Right. Like we can all relate to that.

It also some of the reasons, the feedback we got was it made people realize that they grew up and never felt like a blessing while they were growing up and how that made them feel and because of the grace of God. And when they became a believer, they started to realize not only that they are a blessing, but that their children are a blessing to.

Well, and to be honest with you, I think that when people grow up in that kind of an environment, when they get older, even when they’ve experienced redemption through Christ and they understand that their cell where their salvation is and who saved them, where their identity is, if they actually were to sit back and think of themselves, would they actually say, I’m a blessing? Like I was a I was a blessing to my parents. Like, ask yourself that question for a second. Would you actually ever say that? I think that we all are our own worst critics, and I think that we all focus most on our shortcomings, our failings, our mistakes and our sins. But we need to understand that Jesus doesn’t see us in our identity by what we do or don’t do. And this is the the most pivotal thing that we need to remember and teach our kids when we’re parenting because it actually impacts their identity in Christ as well.

And I think it’s even deeper than the teaching. While that is super important and I agree, it’s what you actually live out on a day by day basis, the marriage conversations that they overhear, the actions you take in the why or why not, you’re taking them. And what the children actually feel is a big indicator of whether or not they will see children as a blessing when they’re thinking about having their own.

Yeah, it’s interesting. It actually reminds me of a of it, something that you used to say all the time when we were doing business together, and that was perception is more important than reality sometimes.

Which is only sometimes true. Yeah, Not when it comes to biblical.

Truth, but right, right. I mean, obviously there’s a truth and there’s a reality, right? And we need to be operating in reality. But when it comes to like our relationships with other people, there’s an unspoken perception that people perceive. So, for example, if I was to meet you for the first time and we were to talk, there would be a first impression made by both me and you. And within that, a reputation starts to build of that other person, right? And that is all based upon perception. Within a conversation, you hear what people are saying, but sometimes people have a hard time hearing what other people are saying, the way that they mean it. And so they take things wrong, too. Right. And so that’s why communication can get tricky. And it’s so important that we are communicating clearly with our kids and often reminding them that we love them.

It’s so important. And now that we have our first grandchild, it all hits home real personal to us in such a good way that we’re so thankful that of what our children have picked up from what they picked up in our home, that children are a blessing. We’re seeing. We’re seeing the fruit of that. And it’s amazing. And we just want that for everybody. We don’t want that. The feeling of regret because children launch and they either become unbelievers or they’re believers that really don’t want to have children, or they do and they really aren’t looking at them correctly. And we do have a big influence. And by the way, no matter what’s happened so far in your life, in your parenting, it is never too late. The grace of God is incredible through good communication with the people around you and change and relying on the Lord any time you can make really good changes.

That’s right. I mean, I just even think about how far it goes when you’re in a humble heart posture and you come to your kids and you say, I messed up or I am sorry. And that can literally change legacies. The fact that you would even be willing to do that would be a legacy changer right there. Right. And so if you if this is if that topic that’s a little mini side topic, that’s probably a huge can of worms. If you feel like you have failed as a parent or maybe you haven’t done the best job at making your kids feel like a blessing and you’re like, well, how do I how do we start over? What do I do? We actually just did a podcast on that a couple of weeks ago that we would encourage you guys to go listen to, which I think that podcast was titled What If I’ve Made Mistakes Now? What? Right. I’ve already made mistakes.

I think it was the one right before this one.

Yeah. So you guys can go listen to last week’s podcast and, and I know that that would be an encouragement to you if that’s something that you have really struggled with.

But well, hey, we’ve got four points. And I just want to start off by thanking you for being part of the 10 Million Legacies movement. All resources now can be found in one place. It’s so cool and helpful to us and everybody else. Be courageous ministry, dot org, all the free stuff, all the awesome things you can spend money on that also supports the ministry and our super quality things like courses, coffee, wearables, the cool stand firm hat, all that stuff.

All the gear.

All the gear. And by the way, there’s some new stuff coming, isn’t there?

Oh, I’m so excited about it, you guys. I’m not going to obviously, you’re not going to be able to see it because I don’t have it here with me to show you in our video. But there are some more feminine looking mugs coming your way.

And it’s so funny because I thought, you know, they’re getting teed up in the background of our stores, but you can’t see them yet. But one of them was actually out there and somebody bought just like that. Yeah. And I’m like, Oh, wait, I got to get that. We’re not ready. Even though it’s going to be fun. But anyways, we so appreciate it. We’re full time effort. The goal is to impact 10 million legacies and anything your prayers. You’re sharing the five star reviews wherever you listen. All of that is so incredibly helpful. Your testimonials because we we don’t spend money on advertising, We don’t have an advertising budget. We would like to actually. We’ll be sending out a year end email talking kind of about next year and how we can really ramp up the impact and you can be a part of that. But right now we’re relying on word of mouth, the Holy Spirit, and working hard.

Yeah, that’s right. Well, you guys, let’s start talking about this topic of our children are blessing or are they a burden? And what will your kids believe when they are older? So we thought that this was a super important topic. And first thing we need to evaluate is what do you believe? Yes. What do you as a parent, as the adult in your family, that sets the example, that teaches things, that lives out what you believe? What do you believe about children? Do you believe that they are a blessing or burden? This is the first time that we were talking about this concept of what do we believe? The first verse that came to my mind was Matthew 1234, which I’m just going to share with you guys quickly. It says this is actually obviously within the gospel. So Jesus here saying, you brood of vipers, how can you speak good when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil. I tell you, on the day of judgment, people will give account for every careless word they speak. Whoa. They will give account for every careless word they speak for By your words you will be justified and by your words you will be condemned. And this is a warning again, Jesus speaking here. And this this is important for us to take to heart because the words that we say do have power within our home. And if we are careless with our words or the things that we say, there’s going to be repercussions. There are going to be consequences that we reap later in life through our legacy with our children based upon what they take away from that. Let me give you an example. Have you ever been in the grocery store and someone randomly blurts something carelessly rude out to you like, don’t you know what prevents that? Like because you have many kids or whatever? I can tell.

Kids in certain areas.

Right? I mean, depending on where you live, you could literally have two kids and people start making that comment to you. But I definitely heard things like that or, Whoa, you’ve got your hands full. Which yeah, I do have my hands full. That’s true. But how we respond to the people who are speaking carelessly in front and I say carelessly, because come on, if they’re saying it, it’s because your kids are right there. If you were alone at the grocery store, no one would say anything to you because they wouldn’t know how many kids you had and they wouldn’t be saying that. Right. And so clearly they’re being careless, not even giving any kind of consideration to the fact that your children have ears and they’re hearing what that person saying about them and what’s being spoken to the kids, what the kids perceive as, wow, that man doesn’t like kids. Wow. That woman thinks that kids are are wasteful or a burden. That’s that is what children will perceive. And so how you respond graciously but seasoned with salt like Colossians four commands us to is going to leave an even bigger impact on our kids and potentially impact whether they believe children are a blessing or a burden later in life. So I think that that’s just one thing that comes to mind, like what we believe comes out of our mouth, right?

I mean, it can be totally it can be simple as Yeah, totally. It’s wonderful. I really love my kids and it’s a really been a good thing.

Well, it could even like I know that there’s so many catchy things that you can say, right? Like when people have said, Boy, you have your hands full. And I’d say, Well, I’d rather have them full than empty or I or there are other things.

That you say harder to.

Say. Yeah, it takes a little bit more courage to say that kind of thing, but also just saying, Yeah, but I wouldn’t want to do anything else with my life or I, I so blessed aren’t I? You know, I like that. I mean that one’s a little bit more like focused on the blessing. But there’s so many things that people have said over the years that are out there that are really catchy and clever. But sometimes when you’re in the moment, it’s hard for you to think of those clever things that people say If you struggle with being courageous or if you’re caught off guard. Right?

And the more even more powerful things that are come out of your mouth when you’re frustrated that come out of your mouth when finances are limited. Out of your mouth when there’s marriage challenge, when they come out of your mouth, when you know you’re talking to a friend over the phone and you know your kids are listening. Yep.

Or you’re.

In, you’re exaggerating things because you’re exasperated yourself and or you have anxiety about something and you can make little comments that in accumulation, if it’s a habit, can start to make children believe that it’s just too hard to have for kids.

Or it’s or it’s so hard having you for kids, I wouldn’t want a fifth. Like, you’d be surprised how kids take things right Like and so we just need to. Regardless of how many children you have, I think that it’s it would be a very powerful conversation to to even ask your children if they feel like we view them as a blessing. That’s kind of like being brave and saying, how can I be a better mom or.

Can I be a better dad?

Or even just in your marriage? How can I be a better wife? How can I be a better husband? Like we’ve we’ve done podcasts where we’ve talked about that kind of thing.

I feel like that’s overdue for me. I’m going to ask you that later.

Oh, good. Well, maybe we can have a date night later chit chat about it. But, you know, I just think that when it comes to what we believe, God even knows, he says out of the heart speaks, right? And so we need to be aware that what we say is a reflection of what’s really deep down in our heart. And we need to think about that. When you think about what are the things our kids have heard, and maybe not just from us, but from the people that are in our community. Can I just say that this is really huge? I know that I’m going to be brave and just share briefly here that when we got pregnant with our fourth and we announced it to certain people, the reaction was not ideal. In fact, I got very upset and was very hurt because people that I loved and thought loved me and loved my children were like, what? Another one? And they were kind of being sarcastic because they love the kids. But like, it was rude. My kids were there, they heard it, it was carelessly spoken. And so if you are in that position and you kind of you you’re struggling, maybe you’re listening to this. I just want you to know, like we’ve been in that position, you’re not alone. If you’ve experienced that from people that God has placed in your life, and maybe He’s put them in your life to help you, like he wants you to challenge them so that they grow to start believing what he believes about children. Right. And sometimes that’s hard to be a change agent in somebody else’s life. But isn’t that really what the Great Commission is? Isn’t that why we’re here? To know God and make him known? To make his word known to make truth known? And that’s what today’s podcast really is about, is what is the truth about children, and do our kids believe that? Do we believe that? Do we.

Believe that? That’s the first point is what do you believe about children? And it’s the natural reaction is, of course, I believe they’re a blessing. The question really is, do you really believe children are a blessing? Does your spouse believe children are a blessing to you together? Project that belief in your home, in your decisions, your actions and so forth. And I think it’s really important to kind of think about that.

I mean, even just when I think about like day to day decisions or or even bigger decisions, right. They really do reflect what we believe on this level of our children. A blessing. Here are a couple of examples, right? Like if you are willing to receive another blessing into your life, whether that’s through biological birth, adoption, foster care, or even being like a spiritual segregate family for a kid that goes to your church or in the neighborhood, that could be a ministry to you, right? Like, do you believe children are a blessing? I know that. Like for me, one of the things that has been in my mind, it sounds ideal as like, oh, yes, I should believe this and I should be living this out, that we would have our home filled with hospitality, that our kids would want to have their friends at our house and be playing games and enjoying company within our home. Right. But let’s be honest, sometimes when my kids ask, Hey, can friends come over if I’m tired and I don’t feel like the extra doing that extra work? I’m like, Really? And I’ve done that too many times and I’m convicted by that because what does that portray to them? It portrays that they’re having their friends over is a burden when it isn’t a burden. And actually in my head, what I think is I, I do want them to want to have their friends over. That’s what we should all desire. I’m sure you would agree with that. But I’m also sure that you probably can relate to when I felt that at times and gone right. And so I think that the daily decisions that we make over time, like you just said, they accumulate and they. Impress upon our children what we believe about this.

So let’s dive into what the Bible says about children. Now that we’ve thought a little bit about what we believe, what we really believe through our action, through our lives, through what kids see.

So Genesis one, verse 28, God says. And God bless them. And God said to them, Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth. This is obviously like talking about procreation. And this is one just one of the points that we just talked about for a second, right? Like the decisions that we make reveal what we believe about children. And so if if we believe that children are a blessing and that God’s word says that, which we’re going to dive more into that in a second, then why wouldn’t we want more?

Right now, this isn’t an episode just to convince you have more kids. But we’re reading scripture and we’re trying to understand what God says. And then sometimes I think what comes into people’s minds opens. That was in the first page of the Bible in Genesis, and here we are in 20, 22 times are a little different than in the garden. And is that still relevant? Is that still what God means for us today? And the answer is yes.

Yes. The relevant the Bible is always relevant, right? It’s unchanging. Our God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. And one thing that we can always count on is the unchanging truth of who God is. And I even think of like, we didn’t have this verse picked out, but I think at the beginning of John, where it says, in the beginning was the word and the word was God, and the word was with God in the beginning, like his word is what brought things to life. And not only that, but it is inherently part of who he is. And so it’s unchanging.

I want to take a moment and give you something for free if you haven’t got it already. Is the date night one sheet? It is a beautiful document you can download that will have some key questions on it for your date night to just get in alignment about what’s most important for your family. No matter what time of year, it’s always important to recalibrate. You can get that by going to parenting dot com and subscribing to our mailing list. Also, you can get all of our show notes and everything at courageous parenting dot com. And I also just want to share real quick about the parenting Mentor program. So many families are being transformed by going through this. It’s the six week self paced program with live engagement from us and even direct interaction. So if you want to join us, here’s a little bit more about it. You can find out more at courageous parenting dot com.

Steve and I realized that we were getting too comfortable with the world’s vision of how to raise our children. What Angie and Isaac have done in creating this is literally phenomenal.

This program provided awesome scripture based teachings and just some really great practical applications.

This class has just really rocked my world. It has given me the vision for not just the different things that we might focus on as parents who are trying to raise our kids biblically, like how our kids are behaving or what we’re doing with discipline, but also the things of the heart.

We now have a game plan to how we want to raise our children. We have so many answers to the questions that have been in our mind.

It’s not just these hypothetical situations or it’s not just this. Here’s what I think you should do. It’s let me show you where in scripture this is. Do your legacy a favor and yourself a favor and just do it. One of the best things that we’ve done this year, one of the best investments we’ve made this year, and I could not recommend it more.

We’re no longer fearing dark days ahead, but we’re so excited to raise the lights to be leaders for the next generation.

And by the way, there’s a demographic problem happening all over the world, especially in Europe, where there’s not enough people having children. It’s happening in America. It’s happening all over the place. And it’s really is an issue. And it’s becoming an economic issue, too. It’s going to hurt the economies and so forth, and populations are decreasing, not increasing. And so that is a challenge. And I think God has a plan. He has a good plan. Now, everybody’s family. God has a different plan for everybody’s family. We’re not saying people’s families need to look like ours or yours or something like that. That’s between you and God and your own journey and your marriage and everybody’s different situations for sure. But this scripture is just echoing the belief that God has in having children. And the third.

Blessing, well, he’s literally equating being fruitful and multiplying like the two are coexistent within each other. Right. And we find that in other scriptures that we’re going to talk about as well. And what Psalm 127, it says, Unless the Lord builds the House, those who build it labor in vain. I think that we all would want the Lord to build our house. Right. And. And that just right there to me at the most foundational level of building a family, talking about like, should we have more kids? Like, it has to be something that we surrender that decision to the Lord. We do need to bring it to him. He needs to be a part of that process because unless the Lord builds the House, those who labor built build it labor in vain, right? The Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain, and then it says it is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest. Eating the bread of anxious toil for he gives to his beloved sleep. Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb, A reward like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them. He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the game.

What a good reminder. The anxious in our toil right before.

Exactly.

Most said verse. That’s next part. The children are inheritors from the Lord, isn’t it? Sometimes a financial discussion on whether to have more kids and also even feeling the burden like children are a burden because of the finances. And I think that all of that scripture right there explains it so perfectly.

It goes together. And it is funny that people that’s why I read the first part, because at first we were just going to start with Behold. But when I saw it, I was like.

Don’t miss that first part.

Yeah, it’s amazing. So amazing. But then even if you were to continue in and not stop at that chapter because the next verse that we wanted to share with you is in Psalm 128 and it continues on. You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands. You shall be blessed and it shall be well with you. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house. Your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Behold, Thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord like there is.

This shoots around the table. What a beautiful picture of a family around a table and in the fruitfulness. And it’s plural and it’s exciting.

It is. And it’s also like he’s constantly talking about blessing the man. And then what does that go along with it? It’s like over and over again. He’s saying there are heritage, there are reward, there are blessing. And so if this is God’s word, then this this is actually how our minds should think as Christians.

But sometimes we’re so tightly controlling our lives and the finances around our lives in a in our own strength in a way that we can’t see the possibility of more provision as we have more children. And I will just say that we’ve had ups and downs in finances, that’s for sure, and plenty and nothing and all in between. And I would say that Solomon just a story that comes to my mind is Solomon, our sixth child. Seventh seven. Thank you. Came at such a perfect moment, not perfect for provision because it was the most devastating moment in terms of finances. We went from plenty to being completely wiped out into to a negative level, backwards very, very far. And Solomon came right in the midst of that. And what a beacon of hope from the Lord.

What a joy.

I just.

Looked at.

Him and I go. Thank you, Lord. I trust you. You’re going to take care of us. You blessed us with another child. And look at this child. He’s big and mighty and beautiful.

It was amazing because from everything to like the hospital fees to like, we all ended up getting covered, like God totally took care of everything. And he provided for our family in such a beautiful way. But there was there was a moment before that, even when we were going through the hardship of the business failure, right. Where it was like, do we trust God? Are we like, are we going to let him do whatever he wants with my womb?

Like she’s about to have Solomon. I’m selling my watch. I’m selling anything. I have to create some runway.

Selling vehicle.

To provide for the family as we figure out this catastrophe. But really just a minor catastrophe is just finances and nothing.

You know, eternal.

Yeah. So I had my family and God provided and took us out of that in such a beautiful way. But I just think that we need to be faithful. We need to walk strong and have faith about our walk in a way and look at children as a blessing. And, you know, we may eat out less now that we have more kids than when we’re younger.

But that’s probably better for us.

It’s probably better for us. But I don’t look at, Wow, I can’t eat out as much because I have more children, right? I don’t even think like that. I just feel so blessed when I’m able to spend $150 for a basic food basic meal.

Oh, yeah, 100%. And it’s it’s interesting, too, because when we when people ask us about, Oh, wow, it’s funny how people make assumptions based upon how many children you have. Right? Like, I was just reading to some of the women in our app in the Be Courageous social media platform on Wednesdays, I go into our pregnancy and postpartum group and I’m reading through Redeeming Childbirth my book. And so we just finished up session seven, which was on Kneeling before the Porcelain Throne. Yes, very clever chapter title I think there. But it just kind of makes me chuckle because on this topic of like when I would be out and about or just even in church where people didn’t necessarily know me on a super personal level and we were just getting to know each other, people would assume that I had easy pregnancies because I had so many children. And so when they would find out that I actually struggled with HG or that I had massive morning sickness, that then actually even paralyzed me and I ended up being on bed rest for three months with our sixth, sixth child. Like when they hear the stories and they’re like.

And had to have, you know, serious things happen at the.

Office, right? Yeah. I mean, there have been many different situations, obviously, in nine, nine, nine births, 11 pregnancies. And the truth is, is that it hasn’t been easy. Right. But that God actually taught me things through those refining boot camps that are that’s part of my story, that’s part of my legacy that I then can turn around and glorify him with and share the things that he personally, intimately taught me. And I just think that there’s this element of as as people, we need to not be looking for the easy way out, but understand that sometimes the growth will usually the growth happens when you choose the harder path, the path that’s oftentimes less traveled. Right. And, you know, as we’re looking at what the Bible says about children, there’s no confusion. There is literally no confusion. God equates children to blessing his people. And so therefore, that should be our perspective on a child, on a baby.

Speaking of which, in Matthew 18 one through three, it says at that at that time the disciples came to Jesus saying, Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven and calling to him a child. He put him in the midst of them and said, Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. So Jesus obviously has a huge positive view on children and having faith like a child and so forth, which is, which is really, really awesome. And then it says whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest and the kingdom of heaven. So where might we need to walk in humility in this area? Where might we need to be introspective about where we’ve made our family feel like burdens and walk in humility and actually talk to him like Angie was talking about earlier? Also in Matthew 18, verse ten, it says, See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I tell you that in heaven, their angels always see the face of my father who is in heaven. And so we’re not to despise, despise. The word means repugnance. And isn’t that with the world’s perspective is We’ll go into that in a second, but it’s so powerful just to go. Wow, Children are. Blessing? Well, it’s hard to see that sometimes, because the Bible also says children are foolish. Children need to be trained.

It does. It says foolishness is bound up in the heart of the child. And they do that. Our job as parents is to train them up in the admonition of the Lord. And I think that a lot of times parents will look at like, what is the cost? Right? So we’ve been talking about what we believe regarding, like if children are a blessing or a burden, and then we just went over some scripture. And what does the Bible say about children? How does Jesus view children? What does God say about children? Right. I even think about like Psalm 139, which we’re not going to dive into that entire chapter. So you’re going to squeeze. I know, I know. But God knew us before we were created. He needed us together in our mother’s womb before we were even created. And so clearly, he is the creator. Clearly, he is the one that is in intimate fellowship with babies. And so having that perspective and understanding that biblical truth and believing it, our perspective is going to look very different than the world’s, which is our third point. You know, we as Christians, sometimes we forget to recognize how different we should actually be than the world. And so it’s important that we expose those lies and the world’s perspective, because sometimes they seep into the church and they infect the body of Christ with lies.

And oftentimes the same jokes, the same thoughts about children come out in laughter and little sayings and so forth. So that’s the point, which is to expose the lies and the world’s perspective. And if we’re not exposing if we’re not acknowledging it so easy as to fall in line with it, and too often Christians are falling in line with the wrong conversations, the wrong thinking about children going along with the bad joke, the you know, the children aren’t a blessing that are a burden. And we don’t want to do that.

We don’t want to be people who are pity parties at a ladies night out commiserating about how hard motherhood is. That’s not helpful. I think that may be the.

Right approach to that because motherhood is hard. So what would be the right approach to talking about it?

Well, motherhood is not just hard, though. It’s also joyous. It’s also very worth it. There are so many times where I find myself laughing at the cuteness of the kids or the things that they get so excited about or their first their first tooth that they lost the first time that they read a book. The big hug. The big hug. They’re super quick to forgive. There’s so many lessons that we can learn from children that we as adults forget. That’s why Jesus was reminding us to be more like children, right, In that sense. Have faith like a child. Pray with the faith like a child prays with. Right. That they just believe it so much. There’s so many aspects that we could learn from. But also there’s this element of like, kids are better at loving people genuinely and not holding grudges. That’s their. Yes. As people get older, there are certain personalities that maybe struggle with that more than others. But truthfully, children across the board, they’re so forgiving, they’re quick to forgive. And so and sometimes they’re slow to speak to, like when they’re really little and they’re just learning how And like there are so many things that we can learn from kids. So why is it when moms get together that they focus on just the hard right. Hmm. And and I think that there needs to be leadership. We need to step up our game and we need to try to lead our hearts. But that’s not even possible unless we’re renewing our minds. And which is what Romans 12 exhorts us to do constantly. Right by the washing of the word. We need men. You need to be washing your wives in the word. You need to be reading the Bible with your family women. You need to be reading the Bible every day for yourself and for your children. And if we were just doing that, I guarantee you ladies night out would look different.

It just reminds me of the old quote, which is you want to go where expectations are high and I would just augment that. Let’s go where the expectations are. Have a biblical standard, right? Not even high like it just should be the standard.

And where are they that.

Cause us to grow? And if we are sharing our vulnerability or mistakes or challenges we’re experiencing, we should be ready to be equipped and encouraged to look at the Bible about that and be prayed over and to to rise up and overcome that with the Lord’s help versus just stay in that thinking and allowed to exist and and keep a culture within that group of that’s kind of how we’re always going to be and what we’re always going to talk about in part. And I think that the. Biblical communities. You’re part of need to always be making progress in uplifting to a biblical standard.

Now it’s so good. I just even think about the importance of evaluating like, okay, so am I walking in fellowship with people who actually make me feel like what I’m doing is a worthy thing? Like as a mom, that this is the great commission, this is the best ministry, this is my first ministry, and I should be proud of it. Or do the people I’m walking in community with that maybe even are calling themselves Christians, look down on it as if I’m not doing enough? Or do they think that the decisions that we’re making, lifestyle choices, are they frowned upon? Right.

And or do you feel insecure because someone else is doing lots of other things and it appears that their house is somewhat in order? And you’re wondering, am I not doing enough just because of the comparison trust, Right?

I mean, all of these things can be used by the enemy for bad or they can be used by the Holy Spirit for good, like spurring one another onto good works. Right? And so it’s just super important that you’re transparent with your biblical community because if it starts going into the fleshly mode, that can be corrected. If there’s humility and courage to actually confront what’s happening.

One of the things I admire about you and is you understand your seasons. And so there was times where you said no to things because it wasn’t the right season. You only had little children and you wanted to be dedicated. And I’m so thankful for that because now we’re seeing the fruit of that. It’s hard to see in the moment of just a span of four years how some decisions might alter the future in a very negative way. I mean, when children are young, they need to be they need to feel like they’re the top priority other than your marriage. And they need to feel like their loved cared for, not over delegated and invested in and.

People who and feeling to spend time with them. Right?

Yeah. And people who feel invested in keep investing back as they get older.

Yeah, it’s true. And it’s leading by example. Like think about this for a second. How your kids are going to parent is largely influenced by how you parent them. This is paramount as parents that we understand that like the experiences that our kids have as a child, what when they look back on their childhood, what what, what impression was left upon them about the view of children will most likely be passed on. Now, hold on. Before you start getting super discouraged and thinking, Oh, but man, I’ve totally screwed up. I just want to encourage you because the truth can set us free. And if you have failed in this, if you have made the mistake in this, if you have succumbed to the fleshly exhausted and I’m tired and I just don’t want to do this and I just don’t want to do that, and and you’ve allowed your children to feel or hear that they are a burden in one way or another. The truth found in God’s Word can set them free from that trap. It’s true. The truth sets you free. And I know that for Isaac and I, neither of us come from big families.

And so it’s not like we were raised with a big family. We actually didn’t even set out to have a big family. And in some cases, some families might even think we’re not a big family. We just have nine, babe. Yeah. And so but the truth is, is like we didn’t set out. We didn’t have an example of that. And but what the reason why we are where we are is because we allowed God to be a part of writing our story. We didn’t try to be in control of every single thing, every single step of the way, only us driving our agenda. We went through the processes of over and over again. When we would start taking control, we would hold each other accountable and go, Wait a second, where we walk in biblically, are we are we doing what God wants us to do as believers? And we would then shift gears, repent, confess, go back to surrendering and believing God and asking him for his blessing over our life. And that’s that’s the Christian walk.

And we have to be careful because sometimes our own dreams, our own goals, financial ambition and these kinds of things, which these things are not inherently bad. They can be very good. Your own agenda can get in the way of actually making children feel like a blessing, whether in your home. And so I think the key is it’s okay to have some dreams and goals and things like that, but let’s just do an audit and make sure they’re not making our children feel like they’re in the way.

Or even just like when you do the audit. Another word that comes to mind is the word idle. Have we made an idle out of our way or our dream or our agenda? Right. And so, like as you’re evaluating those things, ask yourself, like, what is perceived by my children? That my children think that I think my way is it’s my way or the highway. Right? Or do my children see me surrendered to God? And do my children see that our family is actually led by him?

You know, it’s interesting. I sort of thought I remember in the early days when, like maybe it was the third or fourth child or something like that, and people starting to question and wonder what we’re doing. Okay, now they’re having their fourth kid and they’re home schooling and now they’re they’re doing all these alternative things.

Right, right, right.

And I just remember thinking in ten or 15 years, they’re going to understand. I remember thinking that they’re going to they’re going to see. They’re going to see Just wait. They’re going to see because there’s there is a better there’s a better way overall and there is a godly way to do things. By the way, even though I said homeschooling, I’m not saying homeschooling has to be part of it, but we were making alternative choices and really investing our children and looking at it as a blessing and.

And wanting to spend more time. I mean, that was part of why we decided to homeschool.

And I just remember them. I remember thinking that they’ll see it down the road. It’s hard for people to see it today, and I don’t answer to people, but it does. People do affect me and they affect you write their opinions, people you love and that you are friends with and so forth. They will see way down the road. And you know what they do see? They do understand over time.

And there will be a respect. But even if there isn’t, does that matter when God knows your heart? That’s what you’re trying to live for him? Yeah. So realizing that things like there’s a lot of like legacy hinders or generational lies, I guess like I even think of the whole scene Not heard is one of them, right? Like that. That was huge. Among the baby boomers generation. I think that they felt that a lot from their parents. Right. And then they there was a huge rebellion during that generation where they did the complete opposite in parenting and basically were very hands off on a lot of things. And I look at that and I go, well, you know, history repeats itself, and sometimes that does become a lie, really, that even though somebody might not admit to it, do kids feel that way? Do they feel like they can’t bring their opinions or their desires or even their needs? Do they feel like they can’t bring those things to you because they’re afraid that if they do, you’re you’re they feel like they’re going to be a burden for asking for new socks or whatever it is?

Let’s talk about something else so that the Gen Z, it appears, is more for abortion in a lot of ways. I’m seeing some stats out there in these kinds of things and you have to wonder, this was a lot of people’s feedback from the post we gave is, well, what about this? This could be contributing to children that are now not growing up becoming okay with abortion because they didn’t feel like blessings anyways when they were children.

Well, and suicide rates are out the roof among that generation as well. And it’s interesting because if they don’t even value their life, how are they going to value the life of a baby? And I think that there’s something to be said for how they grew up and there needs to be. Now, some people listening, I my heart goes out to you. If you have had a child who has struggled with depression or maybe you have kids that have wandered and they are pro-choice or whatever, and you’re realizing that that’s not biblical and you’re like, Where did I go wrong? And how could they be this way, right? Like, I just want to speak to you for a moment and encourage you to apologize again. This would go along with last week’s podcast of recognizing where maybe you are somewhat responsible, if you will, for their viewpoints today, whether that’s that you put them in the seat of a false teacher and encourage them to listen carefully and to learn and be a little learn from a tutor. Right. That has the opposite beliefs of what the Bible teaches, right, in a classroom or anything. Like if you you as a parent, you made that choice to put them in the seat of being taught that. And so that is something that you need to take responsibility for. And I think that a lot of times parents, they are like, well, gee, Jesus, that’s that feels very condemning, Angie. And I don’t I know, I just can’t do that. I can’t that that’s so heavy. But the truth is, is if we really come to our children who are older and we were willing to say, I’m so sorry that I did not see that that was going to impact you in the way that it did. And they were going to teach you the false teachings that they did. It breaks my heart. I wish I wouldn’t have if I if you were to say that that would make massive impact. That kind of humility can change everything.

At least it gets them thinking it’s and it shows good leadership. Even if they disagree with you, they might say no, that that. Is not why I believe this way. Even if they say that they still respect you more, they see your humility, the softening of your own heart, and it might soften their heart.

And but on that topic, too, like I do think that when it comes to like the end and the judgment day, I think that it’s important that you do understand that every person will be held accountable. And when you’re having that conversation with the older child or the older sister or whatever it is, right where you’re confronting them on their beliefs about abortion and you’re very scarcely having different beliefs, it’s important that you recognize that they don’t get to use anybody else as a blame shifting scapegoat when it comes to the day that they meet Jesus face to face and so like that, that’s their own belief. Like they have to own it. They don’t get to blame you, especially if you’re coming to them in humility and saying, I don’t believe this and I wish I wouldn’t have taught that to you.

Hey, the final point is really thinking about how all of this that we’ve been talking about impacts what your children will believe when they are older. And so it’s really good to maybe have a marriage conversation, a date night in or out, and just talk about, hey, you know, is there anything that I’m doing that you see and that I’m doing that’s causing the children to feel like a burden and then maybe that enables the other spouse to do the same and having a healthy discussion about how can we start to encourage a belief that children are a blessing, that they’re a blessing. And, you know, even after conflict and things like that, how are we doing that? Are we doing that? Well, I think getting the point where there’s conflict, disobedience and children and so forth, how we approach that, it really means a lot. And it’s very important that however you decide to approach that, that you never do it in anger, that you’re always calm, and that you’re pursuing the hearts of your children and really trying to understand why and where the behavior is coming from and what’s going on, what’s the deeper issues. Maybe in peace time, you need to go out with them and have a breakfast, a lunch, take a walk. And and really to understand those things because, you know, approaching some of these things wrong, the short shortest path is usually the worst path, like just fixing it quick because I want to get back to what I’m doing is potentially over time making them feel like a blessing even when you’re in correction mode.

It’s interesting too.

Because.

I think when I think of the way that kids grow up in your home and what they experience and they’re looking back on their childhood, there are a lot of things that parents need to be aware of that will make impact on if their kids are going to actually view children as a blessing or if they are going to view children as a burden and choose to maybe not even want kids. Right. I think that when a kid grows up and they don’t want to get married, that really speaks volumes about potentially what they witnessed in their home in your marriage. I’m just going to say it. That’s a hard thing to say, but like it has to be said because we need to recognize that we have influence. And if we are willing to say that we have influence, then the truth is, is if our kids choose it, they don’t want it. It’s either based upon what they saw in our home and experienced in our home, or what they’ve been indoctrinated by regarding their their education and their culture that they’re a part of. And so we we can only take care of what we have control over, which is our homes. Right. And so and the education I do believe that parents have jurisdiction over choosing where and who their children are being educated by. So understanding what your jurisdictions are and choosing to make wise biblical choices, even if that goes against the culture.

And can I say Christian culture that maybe you’re a part of? You need to do what’s right in the eyes of the Lord, period. And I think that as we’re talking about how how do your kids grow up and how does that influence their view? Here’s another one. Sometimes in families and this can happen in big families, but it can also happen in small families. Sometimes when parents feel overwhelmed by life, whether finances are hard or not, they can over delegate the responsibilities of their younger children to their older children, to where the older children are actually having to take care of their younger siblings. So much so that by the time they launch from the home, they’re like, I already raised kids. I don’t want any of my own. That was really hard. Well, of course it was hard. They were kids raising kids. That’s not God’s design. If God has given you your children and you’ve received them from him, then it’s your responsibility to raise them. And you should not be over delegating that to your older children. I can’t tell you how many older families we’ve seen this witness by where you’re looking at the family on the outside and you’re like, Wow, what a beautiful family. That’s so awesome. And then you talk to their older kids and their older kids don’t want kids.

Yeah.

And so, guys, there are so many aspects of this experience. In your home. You know, I believe that the Holy Spirit is that powerful, that just even talking about this conversation with you guys, you’re listening to Isaac and I have this little conversation. I believe that the Holy Spirit will impress upon you the areas that maybe need a spotlight on them. And I pray that you don’t just ignore them, but you go out on a date night. Maybe you spend some time journaling and you pray about it. You talk to your spouse and there’s like, a real, genuine effort towards making change so that you can leave a new legacy where your kids don’t grow up and become like the mass majority of Generation X like Isaac was just talking about. But instead they get to be the lights and the beacons and the blessings that they are in their generation. The blessing that God literally placed them in their generation for a reason. One thing that’s huge that I just want to share with you is this concept that, you know, if God says children are a blessing, that is an attribute that is unchanging about them. If they were a blessing when you gave birth to them or when you found out you were pregnant with them, they were. They’re also a blessing when they’re four. They’re a blessing when they’re seven.

They’re a blessing when they’re 21. And so we need to recognize that children, like children, are a blessing from God. They’re a gift from God. They’re a reward from him. They’re part of our inheritance. In fact, they’re the only eternal inheritance that we potentially and I say potentially because this is up to Jesus and and their relationship with him because you can’t save your kids. But this is how you build treasures in heaven, you guys. One way, in addition to sharing the gospel and making disciples of all nations, this is part of the Great Commission. And so understanding that at its core brings a whole new perspective to all of it. A little bit of sacrifice for parents. Is it worth another person’s whole life and their holy eternity? 100%. That was hugely convicting to me because I had morning sickness. And there are many times where women would come up to me and they’d say, So are you guys done having babies after what you just walked through? And I’m like, Are you kidding me? I’ve walked through this eight times and they look at me and they’re like, What? Like you’ve done this eight times where you’ve puked over and over again. And I’m like, Well, yeah. I mean, it’s nine months of suffering for another person’s whole life and eternity. It kind of seems selfish to, like.

Just be.

Careful like.

That about thinking too much about yourself. Yeah, that is not what we’re supposed to do. We’re supposed to take care of ourselves. It’s the Holy temple. The body is the holy temple. We’re supposed to nourish ourselves so we can be useful, but we’re not to overly think about ourselves and be so.

And make all of our decisions based upon our desires. Right? Because our hearts can be deceived. And sometimes what we think is best for us is the opposite of what God’s plan is for our life.

So what is God given you in your home? And let’s look at those little children. Maybe they’re big now. Look at them as an absolute blessing, a gift from God. The word of steward, train and love. Well, and launching into this world to glorify our father in heaven.

We just want to end with one last verse because we’re grandparents and it’s a real special verse that’s become near and dear to my heart. Proverbs 17, verse six Grandchildren are the crown of the aged and the glory of children is their fathers a men?

Thanks for joining.

Us. See you next time. Hey, thanks for listening to this episode. For more resources, go to courageous parenting and courageous mom dot com for free online workshops, blog posts and bestselling courses. Also, we wanted to quickly tell you about our six week online parenting mentor program. Isaac and I created a powerful biblical curriculum. Here’s how it works. Each week we release a video with a downloadable parenting packet to make it easy for you to incorporate those teachings directly into your parenting.

This is an incredible, self paced program where we cover everything from obedience training to overcoming mistakes most Christians are making. But more than that, it’s a supportive community. You’ll have access to our private online group, live Webcasts and the courageous parenting text message line where Angie and I can send you weekly encouragement straight to your phone.

If you’re interested in joining our next online parenting mentor program, secure your spot now at CourageousParenting.com

It can feel daunting when children are already a little older and used to how you’ve been parenting, but then you realize there are better ways to do things. It’s not easy to change course but it’s always possible. People in our Parenting Mentor Program do it all the time, but it takes some deliberate new steps and the right kind of communication with your children. Isaac and Angie tackle this important topic so that you too can shift your legacy toward greater fruitfulness.

Main Points From This Episode:

• It’s never too late to shift the direction of your family
• It does take outstanding leadership to do it well
• Your marriage needs to be aligned about the changes you want to make
• Make sure you don’t try and change everything at once, make a simple plan.
• Have a meeting with your children expressing in humility where you’ve made mistakes. You may want to meet one on one with the ring leader of the siblings first and have a candid conversation, expressing the importance of their example.
• Make sure you talk about the why’s even more than the changes that you are making
• Get accountability about the changes you are going to make leading your family
• It will be hard and require significant perseverance but your legacy is worth it

Scripture From This Episode:

Psalm 139:23-24 – “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”

James 1:5-6 – “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. ⁶ But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.”

James 3:1 – “Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness.”

Deuteronomy 6:7-8 – “You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. ⁸ You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.”

1 Thessalonians 5:11 – “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”

1 John 1:8-10 – “1 John 1:8-10”

If The Spirit Prompts You to Financially Support (We are a for-profit, for social good organization.)

Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

Welcome to Courageous Parenting Podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Hi, I’m Angie from Courageous Mom.

And I’m Isaac from Resolute Man.

We’ve been married for 21 years and have seen the fruit from raising our eight kids biblically. Based on the raw truth found in the Bible.

We can no longer let the culture win the hearts of children. Too many children from Christian families are walking away from their faith by age 18. And it doesn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t be this way. Join us as we start an important conversation about effective parenting and the following. Welcome back to the podcast. So glad to.

Hear.

Yeah, so a lot to talk about today that I think will help you.

We are going to be diving into a question that we get kind of often. I don’t know if you felt this way. I know that Isaac and I have both had times where we’ve been reflective and gone, Oh, that was a big parenting mistake right there. But we get a lot of people who reach out to us and say, Well, what if I’ve already made parenting mistakes? So then what?

So that’s exactly what we’re talking about. It’s so important to be encouraged, but also to get some practical wisdom on what do you do if you know, I already have kids in the middle school years and I’ve really not been biblically parenting or intentionally parenting in the same way that I realize now I want to and maybe you’ve tried some things and it’s not working super well. And so we’re going to dive into that.

You know, it’s interesting because this is a topic that we touch on in the Parenting Mentor program. You guys can find out more about that at be Courageous Ministry dot org. But I think that there’s a lot of parents out there that maybe go well I’m already doing I’m already set in my ways like I’ve already started leaving this potential legacy or we’ve already set a family culture to try and change. It would just be too much work or it might be too hard, actually, you know what I mean? Or maybe sometimes people are like, Oh, I’ve always struggled with this sin, whether it’s yelling or maybe being a perfectionist, and they think it’s part of their personality, and so they just can’t change the thing that’s in them that is actually triggering the thing, the behavior or the issues that they’re seeing in their family that they actually want to change. Right.

Hey, we all have blind spots and in our leadership and if you’re a parent, you’re a leader of children. And so it’s important as spouses, we can encourage each other and point those out in a loving way. But also to even ask really, really close friend if they see any blind spots, too. Because until you open up that channel with somebody, they may not say something. We need to be introspective and look at those things, but we’re going to give practical things because sometimes you are doing things really well right now. Maybe you learn some things and you’re being more intentional with your kids, but it’s backfiring because your children are used to the old you. They’re used to the old ways, they’re used to the old influences and so forth. So we’re definitely going to address all that. But thanks so much for being part of the Be Courageous Ministry movement to impact 10 million Legacies. We’re so happy about that. By the way, if you’re into supporting the ministry and you’re into coffee, go follow be courageous coffee on Instagram and Facebook. We love that. You can see what’s going on there. All the profit from that goes to support the mission and our family, and we’re just looking for different ways in the parallel to be part of the parallel economy, to offer solutions for believers that also support the ministry. So coffee is just one of those of many in the future because as you might not know, we’re not a nonprofit. We’re for profit for social good. And the simple reason for that is we don’t want to be controlled in the future by the government to not be able to share biblical truth on marriage, gender and sex. You know, that’s super, super important. Those are the three hot button topics that we think likely are to be outlawed eventually.

Yeah. So let’s dive in, you guys, on this topic of I’ve already made parenting mistakes. Now what? So that’s kind of what we’ve titled today’s podcast Isaac mentioned maybe you’re experiencing some pushback, right? Push back from the kids, meaning maybe you are implementing something new for the first time and things are just not going super well. Have you ever tried that before where maybe you try being a little bit more consistent and you’re just getting exhausted? Or maybe you make a new boundary in the family or you choose to eliminate something like, I don’t know, Disney Plus, or you eliminate video games or or whatever it is that maybe your kids have grown accustomed to and they’ve become used to them being a part of their family culture, part of their lives, and they’re pushing back on those new rules or regulations, even if it’s not getting rid of something completely. Let’s just say it’s even just having parameters around how much time kids are spending, doing certain things or spending time with certain people, even. There’s all kinds of circumstances that parents find themselves in, in different seasons of their lives where they have to switch things up, where you go, you know, what the trajectory we’re headed on.

I’m not so sure if I like going down this path. Let’s switch some things up. Let’s try something new. And the older that your kids get, I will say the older that kids get, I think the harder it is to make changes and. So that being said, it’s not impossible. It’s and I want to encourage you that when God calls you to do something like we’re talking biblical parenting here, when God calls you to step up as a parent and be intentional, whether that’s starting something new or taking something away. Let’s let’s give an example of maybe discipleship. Maybe you want to start something new and you want to read the Bible to your kids every day and they have a hard time sitting still or even wanting to be a part of it because it’s not been a part of their life on a regular basis. Maybe they have a hard time listening because they feel like maybe there’s hypocrisy, maybe they’re not saved, maybe they’re just, you know what I’m saying? So maybe there’s many different things. Maybe it’s multiple. It is so important that we do not give up as parents when we know God has called us to something, even if it’s hard.

Now, speaking of hard, it may be harder than if you would have raised them up a different way, right? Because they’re used to something you just think about any time, you know, we try to change ourselves when we’re used to a certain way for a really long time. Just think about like for me, I really like creamer in my coffee. You know what? But I remember this time when I won a 90 day challenge, I couldn’t have creamer anymore. That was a that was a tough change, you know, And that’s just a small example of much bigger issues that can happen. So we have to understand that if we’re asking our kids to change something that they’re used to for the first nine years, ten years of their life, that it’s going to take perseverance, time and some grace indulgence as a parent. And it’s going to be hard. I think that as a parent, if you or anybody, if you accept that something is hard at the front, you’re more likely to persevere in the back end. So if you expect change to happen quickly and it doesn’t, then we get frustrated and tend to give up. So I would just say if you’re trying to create some really big changes in your family that go against how you have led your family so far, it’s going to take a long time. You’re going to have to persevere. But there’s a process we’re going to kind of take you through to do it.

So I think that the first step in the process is Isaac and I were talking is really, I would say, the most important part of this whole process. And this literally can lead your children to be more receptive and having change occur in the family, but it needs to be sincere. And that first step is identifying the problem. Whether that’s behavioral issues that you’re sensing is a problem in your family or mistakes that you have made as a parent. But identifying those and recognizing that the behavioral problems that maybe are even in the kids, maybe they’re not your behavioral problems, maybe they are, and they need to be identified if they are. But if they’re behavioral problems and the kids recognizing that that is also actually a symptom of something that we have failed in leadership wise or that we’ve done, we’ve made a mistake in leadership wise. And so it’s really, really important that we take the time to be introspective and to sit down and maybe even like get up piece of paper, like jot down some things, like what are what legacies do you see? Can that have actually what rhythms or habits or culture has been cultivated in your family thus far? Write those down, evaluate them and go do why is this biblical? Is this godly? Is this righteous? Is this what God calls us to? And then going, How am I responsible?

So as you write these things down, there could be other things too, like influences on their lives. And in that area, like if you’re like, Wow, I’ve really realized I’ve let my children spend a lot of time with influences that aren’t the best, and I want to steer them towards influences that are better because we want our kids to have friends and so forth. That could be a really tough thing. And let me ask you the question, though. Was it your circle of influence that led to their circles of influence? Was that the church you chose to go to, the cultivated, the influences that they have? Was it the decisions you made that have caused them in education or otherwise that have caused them to have the influences in their lives that they have? And if the answer is yes, which usually that’s the case, then we have to understand that. And there has to there’s going to have to be some communication with the kids, which we’ll get to in a little bit about that. But I think that you have to really look at your own circle of influence and maybe you need to lead by example on that and go, you know, what do I need to make some shifts in who I allow to influence me in our family and the adult spectrum here and who we’re friends with. And is that causing something challenging for our kids? So we don’t want to be hypocrites. We don’t want to just cut off causing.

Kids.

Causing change on the kids when we’re not willing to make those same changes that are better for us to and better for the whole family.

So I think that you just nailed something that’s super hard for people a lot of times, which is, you know, when you’re holding your kids accountable to something. Making sure that you also are living by that same standard. We talked last week in last week’s podcast. I don’t know if you guys listened. If you did not, I cannot recommend it enough. It was all on subtle ways parents provoke their children. The Bible warns us in two different scriptures, specifically in Ephesians six four and Colossians 321, that parents are not to provoke their children lest they become discouraged or be provoked to wrath. And so if you’re struggling with your kids having anger issues in your home, or if they’re discouraged and they’re whiners, there’s a potential that maybe that is actually a symptom of having been provoked by you at the parent. And so please go listen to that podcast. But I think that what Isaac just gave us was a perfect example of seeing an issue on the surface and then digging a little bit deeper and recognizing where the change needs to begin and making a concerted effort to make changes on your level as a parent. And doing that from a perspective of I am leading by example. Don’t ever underestimate that your your example is going to have massive impact on your kids. And I will say that when it comes to you trying to start new things or make boundaries or hold your kids accountable to something, if you are not held accountable and you struggle with that same thing, it’s going to be really hard for you.

Hey, in Scripture here, Psalm one 3923 and 24, it says, Search me O God and know my heart. Try me and know my thoughts and see if there be any grievous, grievous way in me and leave me in the way everlasting. So God told me, convict my heart if there’s anything wrong, any wrong thinking, any wrong philosophies, any waywardness, anything I’m doing, any bad example I’m setting for my kids, it really starts there. You could be frustrated with the behavior of your kids or the disobedience of your kids. But I think that if we start with our own leadership first, that’s going to be important. We’re going to talk about the children in a second, but I just think that’s really important.

Well, and I think to this is why we we put this whole concept of identifying the problem and our own mistakes as parents or identifying attitudes that parents have, I think would be another this would go in the same category. So identify, identify, identify. Right. You’re going to take time to evaluate your heart. You’re going to go to the Lord and say, search me. Oh God, is there anything that is wrong with the way I’m with my attitude, with the way I’m leading, with the standards I’ve had with even even if it’s like a lack of something, right? Like I even think about sometimes we think about the things that we have actually done that have been harmful to family culture or the things that we have done that have left a legacy that we’re not proud of. But there’s another aspect of this that’s just as much as important to the things that we already have done, and it’s the things that we have not done that God commands us to do, and we will be held doubly responsible. The Bible even says in James three one it says, Not many of you should want to be teachers, my brother, unless you receive a stricter judgment.

I truly believe because in Deuteronomy there’s specific scripture that talks about God commanding parents to teach their children to the third and fourth generation God’s commands. We are teachers. If we’re parents, we are going to be held accountable by God for what we teach our kids. And that’s not just the verbally teachable things or the things that we’re reading to our children. It’s also by our example because our kids learn from our example. It’s also the things that we allow to remain in us because we are an example versus repenting of them and changing and confessing them even to our children. And so you can’t get to that posture with your kids and even begin having any kind of communication about change unless you have first taken a really good, hard look inside yourself. Ask the Lord to reveal if there’s anything that you need to confess and repent and turn away from. And when you do that, like that heart posture alone is one where your kids will be so much more receptive.

I want to take a moment and give you something for free if you haven’t got it already. Is the date night one sheet? It is a beautiful document you can download that will have some key questions on it for your date night. Just get in alignment about what’s most important for your family. No matter what time of year, it’s always important to recalibrate. You can get that by going to college parenting dot com and subscribing to our mailing list. Also, you can get all of our show notes and everything at courageous parenting dot com. And I also just want to share real quick about the parenting mentor program. So many families are being transformed by going through this. It’s the six week self paced program with live engagement from us and even direct interaction. So if you want to join us, here’s a little bit more about it. You can find out more at courageous parenting dot com.

Steve and I realized that we were getting too comfortable with the world’s vision of how to raise our children. What Andy and Isaac have done in creating this is literally phenomenal. This program provided awesome scripture based teachings and just some really great practical applications. This class has just really rocked my world. It has given me the vision for not just the different things that we might focus on as parents who are trying to raise our kids biblically, like how our kids are behaving or what we’re doing with discipline, but also the things of the heart.

We now have a game plan to how we want to raise our children, and we have so many answers to the questions that have been in our mind.

It’s not just these hypothetical situations or it’s not just this. Here’s what I think you should do. It’s let me show you where in scripture this is. Do your legacy a favor and your self a favor and just do it. One of the best things that we’ve done this year, one of the best investments we’ve made this year, and I could not recommend it more. We’re no longer fearing dark days ahead, but we’re so excited to raise lights to be leaders for the next generation.

Amen. So now we’re identifying these things. It’s really important as a married couple to get together and really talk about them, because unless there’s alignment in your implementation, it’s going to be difficult to do this next step. We’re about to tell you, and you want to have a simple plan. There may be many things one of you probably has more than than the other, the list maker, and that’s awesome. But you know what? Implementation real change happens through a few things, a few simple disciplines executed on a consistent basis. And so what are those few simple new things that you’re going to do and have a very simple plan about it? I think that’s really important. Sometimes you can pick something that influences a lot of those other things, actually, you know, if we just if children just got to bed on time, just as a simple example, then a lot of the next days behavior problems might be fixed in some ways. Right? And so I’m talking about young kids right there. So I just think that sometimes one thing can fix a lot of things. So look for those those 1 to 2, three max things that are really going to make a big difference and then agree as a married couple to implement together in unison. Now, this next part, you know, a lot of people don’t like this part. You’ve got to address it with the kids.

You’ve got to walk in humility in front of your kids, especially the older they are. It is so important if you’re creating some sweeping changes, you’re altering some fundamental ways you parent because you’ve realized you’ve erred or haven’t been as intentional as you need to to equip confident Christian kids for an uncertain world the way the world is today. And what you’re seeing happening with your kids, with, whether it’s other influences or whatever it is. Well, you need to one on one, whatever you discern is best based on your relationship with your kids and so forth, or in a group, or you meet one on one with the older one and then also meet in a group. After that. You have to think about your strategy on that, but you have to meet with your children and get really honest on the mistakes you’ve made and the new initiatives and why. The why is the part you should talk about the longest. Sometimes people mix that up, they talk about their initiative, the long, and then they don’t really share why the older children are. And all children want to know why. Because they’re humans. You want to know why too. And the more they understand the why and the more it’s backed by biblical truth, the more they’re going to buy in and understand that change is important.

Well, not only that, but as your kids get older, you want them to also take away some nuggets of things that they’re going to implement as parents themselves. Right. And so having regular meetings like this where there’s a humility and parents are willing to actually say, hey, we messed up in this way, and you’re very clear, we should not have done X, Y, and Z, but we’re going to try to do better. We feel like God is really convicting us, that we should no longer do whatever it is, right and when. Share that with your kids. They’re like, Whoa, my parents are listening to God and they’re there, They’re humble, and they’re saying that they messed up. And like, how many people? Now I realize that this is a parenting podcast, and so a lot of you guys are parents, But think about your relationship with your parents for a moment and for you grandparents that are listening, think about your relationship with your parents. How many of you grew up hearing the words, I messed up or I’m sorry, or That’s my bad, or I’m sorry for the miscommunication, things like that, where they actually took ownership and they said what we’ve done is wrong. You know what? It doesn’t matter if you didn’t hear that growing up. You can start a new legacy now. But the truth is, is whether you heard that or not probably has had a massive impact on your relationship with your parents and how much respect you have for them.

And so just remember that it might seem like it’s a really hard thing to do to admit to your kids how you screwed up. But in reality, it’s very easy and it feels so freeing. It’s liberating to just confess when you’ve sinned or to confess the mistakes or the things that you didn’t know that you wish you would have known. Because they’re also learning from that too. And that’s how you break the bondage of bad legacy, actually is by pointing a spotlight of light on it and saying, We are no longer going to let this have power in our family. This was bad for us. We want to do what God’s calling us to instead. And then you talk to the kids about it and you listen to their hearts and you you see it like it’s it can be quite an awesome experience. And I think that one of the reasons why we’ve had so many parents of older kids go through the courageous Parenting Mentor program, too, is because we’ve we’ve encouraged them that, listen, it doesn’t matter if you have gone ten years in your parenting or 14 years in your parenting and you’re realizing like, maybe you just got saved even, right. And your kids don’t know Jesus either, and maybe your family is going to church for the first time and you start listening to this podcast and you’re like, Whoa, I got to change some things, right? And maybe that seems like a very big task.

Maybe you look at the podcast and you go, There’s 213 episodes. How can I possibly implement all of that? No, no, no, just kidding. But in reality, like, can I just share with you a story of grace that God is with you and it’s by the power of His Holy Spirit that that hearts are changed and turn towards him. And when you have a humble posture and you come to your kids in humility, sharing, we did not know or we did know, but we didn’t obey God or I was lazy or I was too selfish or whatever it is that is your why behind you did or didn’t do what you were supposed to. When you share that, it is like kids listen. They recognize how serious it is. And for you to, in a posture of going, I love you and I don’t want you to have the same issue in your life when you’re a parent. And I want what’s best for you because I love you. They hear that. They need to hear. That needs to be part of the why. Right. And so you guys, while like Isaac said, it can be easier when you start young and you have these patterns.

And that’s kind of been part of our mission is why we were doing this, because we really care about the future generations and we want to impact 10 million legacies. But truthfully, I have experienced God’s overarching grace in my life when I’ve made mistakes and I have seen God work miracles in relationships, I have seen him just cover. And here’s an example of covering grace. Not that it was a purposeful mistake, but like those three months, I was on bed rest, for example, and I remember feeling like I was losing the hearts of my children because I could not nurture and take care of them the way that I wanted to. I was stuck in a bed and someone else was doing all of that work. I prayed so hard for God to redeem the time that the locust stole, if you will. And he did. He redeemed that time. And the babies that I felt like I wasn’t serving well, that I was going to potentially lose a bond with. I’m very close to those kids today, and that is just one example of like sometimes life also happens to you and it’s out of your control sometimes. But God can cover all kinds of things mistakes, circumstances, sins. When we have a heart posture of wanting to glorify him.

Amen. So first, identify the problem. Secondly, address it with your children, either one on one or in a group, or mix of that in the right order to ensure buy in and make the older kids feel respected and understood. And maybe there’s an older one that you have to really talk through things first. So they’re more supportive during the group meeting, whatever that situation is. And then third thing is get help. Accountability is really important and as spouses, we can hold each other accountable for sure. But there might be someone else that you could just share with. Hey, we’re making some big changes in our family. It might even be another friend that they might feel some of those changes and it might help them understand having that conversation. But to to have somebody that, hey, how are those changes going? Hey, how are you doing with that is really important because it’s hard to stay the course. The biggest challenge is usually is is not a lack of good biblical parenting principles. It’s a lack of following through over a long period of time, biblical parenting principles.

So it’s really, really important. You know, we do this really powerful parenting mentor program. Thousands of people have gone through it. Parents, it’s transformative. The Lord has really inspired us to do it and full of biblical truth and so forth. And we it those principles work. Whether you’ve been raising your kids from a young age or you just you’re just starting to do it in the teenage years, but you do need to have somewhat of a reset. And that’s what that meeting was for, is to have a little bit of a reset in humility to help your children understand and then get that accountability in that third point there and then follow through you. Whatever you decided to do, you cannot not follow through because the moment you don’t follow through on your simple plan, you’re 2 to 3 things is when you’re going to lose the respect of your middle school or teenage kids. It’s just not going to be good. You could have little kids, too, and you may lose some respect from them in a way, in the way that they may not.

Believe you when you say you’re going to do something. I think that when it comes down to it, it’s keeping your word to yourself like we’ve talked about so many times, and understanding that there’s an element of integrity, of a God character, integrity, as were made in his image that we need to try to pursue. Right. And James or James, chapter one verse five says, If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him. And, you know, I just think of how many parents might be listening and going, I am really in the midst of like this. This podcast is really speaking to my heart. I’m in the midst of a whole bunch of chaos. Is that you right now? Are you sitting in the midst of maybe some serious circumstances surrounding the heart condition of one of your children and you just don’t know what to do? And you’re you’re you’re focused so much on your. Your child’s behavior or the symptoms or how their behavior is affecting or infecting the rest of your family, if you will. And you’re focused on that, which by every sense of the word, of course, every parent would do that. But maybe you just don’t know where to go from here. I want to encourage you to just seek God’s wisdom, read his word, seek him in prayer. The Bible also says in the very next verse in verse six that he, if you seek him, you will find him if you don’t doubt. So you have to have faith that God will give you the wisdom.

And sometimes the way God gives the wisdom is through reading the Bible. That’s why we said you need to be in the Word. But sometimes the way that God will impart his wisdom is through the body of Christ here on Earth, as He has imparted his wisdom through his Word to those people in the body of Christ. And so as you’re seeking counsel, like Proverbs exhorts all believers to seek wise counsel. So as Christians, we wouldn’t be going to non-Christians, we wouldn’t be going to non Christian counselors, we would be going to Christians, preferably people who are going to be able to have an objective view and be able to speak truth to you so that if they do see something going on in your life as maybe the causation, they’re going to have the the courage to actually say that to you and exhort you. That’s what you need, actually. And you need people who are going to be biblical. They’re not going to be just opinionated. They’re not going to be justifying the way they’ve done things and make you feel like, Oh, that’s not really that big of an issue. We struggle with that too, but come on, kids outgrow it. No, that’s not biblical advice. That’s someone wanting to brush aside the things that you are feeling convicted about. Because if they have to listen to it and really take it to heart, then it would be convicting for them, too. So when you’re seeking counsel, you need to make sure that you’re choosing wise counsel.

Remember, sometimes people around you don’t actually love that you’re growing, don’t actually love that you’re creating really good changes because it really puts a magnifying glass on their own situation. And so you want mature people that really, despite their situation, they’re going to give biblical counsel. That’s super, super important, I think, to you can’t underestimate the power of getting out of the house one on one with your children as you’re making these changes. And what’s going to happen after you have this meeting is you’re going to have bumps in the road, right, as you implement your changes. And so don’t just reteach the whys in the midst of a challenge with your child. Of course you probably will. But the next day follow up and talk about again why we’re making this change. And do you have any questions about it? Do you understand? And here’s all the reasons and maybe share scripture with them. This is going to take some really hard work. What might you have to say no to so you can say yes to this change? Because a lot of times we feel our time that we’re all busy. If you ask any single person, they’re going to say, Oh, things are so busy right now. So we as humans naturally fill our time and always feel full. So what do you have to empty so that you can actually follow through as a leader and make this change? And that’s husbands and that’s wives, too.

I mean, maybe there’s we have to get more efficient with our work in some way and take a Friday afternoon off and take our son out and do something. You know, we have to make sacrifices to make this work. And there has to be both husband and wife at play here if possible, because you have different influence on your children and it’s really important. So in first Thessalonians 511, it says therefore, encourage one another and build one another up, just as you were doing. That sounds like a really just beautiful, encouraging scripture. And it is. But you know, you can’t be encouraged if people don’t know what you’re trying to do. So remember, like, if you’re going through all this change and you just kind of put a face on that things are good out there in public and even to the people close to you, even the people you’re going to church with and running the race with, then how in the world can they encourage you to stay on the right path with your simple plan? You see how important that is? We have to humble ourselves not only to God and repent of anything to our children, but we have to humble ourselves to maybe to another friend.

You know, it’s interesting because there’s this old book by Roy Cassian, which is called The Calvary Road. It’s a very tiny pocket book that was written a long time ago. I don’t even know if he’s around anymore. I usually don’t recommend books, but this book, The Calvary Road, talks about how important it is that we evaluate our relationship with other people in light that that impacts our. Our relationship with God and vice versa. And it’s all based upon the very first two chapters in the book of first John in the back of the Bible, which is a huge exhortation to us. And I think that as we’re talking about this concept of being honest with other people, it’s worthy of just sharing. Part of it says if we have no sin. So we’re literally saying something. Do you catch that? If we say we have no sin, that means we’re telling someone. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves. And the truth is not in us if we confess our sins. So confessing is using our lips and our mouth, and we’re literally speaking out loud to someone if we confess our sins, he is faithful. And just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar and his word is not in us.

This is so bold. This is such a strong word. I would even in the case of really being humble before my kids there. Do not be hesitant to bring the word of God to your meeting with your kids and to share with them what scriptures are potentially convicting and why. Why you feel this need to like, repent or confess that you’ve made a mistake if you have, and just sharing with them and saying, You know what? If you believe in Jesus to kids and you make a mistake and you or you sin and you start teaching the kids and you go, God wants us to confess that to one another so that we can experience forgiveness from Jesus and so he can cleanse us. Our home would be so different if we all did that right. Can you imagine if we actually walked in our families like this? Now imagine if we actually walked in the body of Christ like this, and then you’re able to do what Isaac just read in first Thessalonians chapter five, verse 11, about being able to encourage one another because you’ve shared with other people what you need encouragement in.

Amen. And so it’s never too late to re grab the hearts of your kids and nurture their hearts and steer the culture of your family behavior and activities of your family and what you’re involved in. It’s never too late. You’re the parent, you’re the leaders. You’re the God authorized leaders in that home on that team. And the success of your team is depending on you. But you know what? It’s not all on you. You have the Holy Spirit in you. You have the biblical wisdom and you can do this. And so but it’s going to take perseverance. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s worth it.

That’s right. Thanks for joining us. See you next time. Hey, thanks for listening to this episode. For more resources, go to courageous parenting and courageous mom dot com for free online workshops, blog posts and bestselling courses. Also, we wanted to quickly tell you about our six week online parenting mentor program. Isaac and I created a powerful biblical curriculum. Here’s how it works. Each week we release a video with a downloadable parenting packet to make it easy for you to incorporate those teachings directly into your parenting.

This is an incredible, self paced program where we cover everything from obedience training to overcoming mistakes most Christians are making. But more than that, it’s a supportive community. You’ll have access to our private online group, live Webcasts and the courageous parenting text message line where Angie and I can send you weekly encouragement straight to your phone.

If you’re interested in joining our next online parenting mentor program, secure your spot now at CourageousParenting.com

This is a vital season to be super intentional with your children, but there are a lot of obstacles that naturally arise in this season for parents making it challenging. The Tolpins cover important family dynamics, the realities of what’s happening to children in this age range, and practical insights on what to be doing.

Main Points From This Episode:

• God’s word warns parents not to provoke their children
• Way’s parents provoke
  • Have too high of expectations beyond current capabilities
  • Yelling and being harsh with their words
  • Being impatient or lacking gentle speech
  • Overwhelming with too much information at once
  • Creating competition between siblings or friends
  • Not listening 
  • Not valuing their thoughts and ideas
  • Keeping a record of wrong that lacks real forgiveness
  • Labeling them in their minds a certain way and not allowing them to grow
  • Interrupting
  • Overreacting
  • Broken promises
  • Shaming them in front of others
• God calls us to confess and repent
• Break the chains and create a new legacy

Scripture From This Episode:

Colossians 3:20-22 – “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord.”

Ephesians 6:3-5 – “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” ⁴ Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Bondservants, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ,”

1 Corinthians 13:11 – “When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.”

Proverbs 22:24-25 – “Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.”

2 Corinthians 10:12 – “Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.”

Matthew 18:15 – “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.”

Matthew 5:37 – “Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.”

Galatians 6:1-2 – “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

James 5:16 – “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working”

Proverbs 28:13 – “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.”

1 John 1:9 – “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

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Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

Welcome to Courageous Parenting Podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Hi, I’m Angie from Courageous Mom.

And I’m Isaac from Resolute.

Man, we’ve been married for 21 years and have seen the fruit from raising our eight kids biblically. Based on the raw truth found in the Bible.

We can no longer let the culture win the hearts of children. Too many children from Christian families are walking away from their faith by age 18. And it doesn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t be this way. Join us as we start an important conversation about effective parenting and the following. Hey, welcome to the podcast. So glad to have you back. Hi, guys. We have a good topic today. I mean, I think I say that every week, but I get excited about them.

This one’s cool. I know. Well, I think that the Bible gives us so many opportunities to really dig deep.

Yes.

And that’s something that we both really enjoy. We want these podcasts to be relevant to you and to be worthy of you taking time to listen. So we really appreciate you guys joining us on the podcast.

Yeah, and we’ve got a slew of scriptures today. It might be more of a Bible study. I wonder who prepared this one.

Anyways, I was inspired. It’s awesome. I just have to say, if any of the ladies from our church are listening, I just appreciate you. I had such a good time at our women’s Bible study last night and we kind of dug into this topic a little bit more interest just intimately. And so it inspired me to really think and study all the different ways that we potentially provoke our children, which is one of the reasons why we’re doing this today.

It is a big deal because God put us as their authority and we need we are that trusted authority. But when we provoke kids, we’re crossing a line.

We’re actually disobeying God’s Word. And he commands us not to provoke our children. If they become And.

It makes it challenging for children who don’t have the same capacity and maybe self control and experience in life. And so it’s it can be hard for them. So this is a really important thing to actually encourage a teachable heart, encourage obedience to parents by being good leaders.

That’s right. So we’re going to dive into some scriptures. But before we do that, we just wanted to say, hey, you know what, This this is November. If you’re listening the week that this comes out, thank you for being a supporter of the podcast and being with us for as long as you have. That’s just unbelievable. We’re really grateful. But here we are in November and in just a few weeks it’s going to be Thanksgiving and then Christmas and then the New year. Right? And right now we are gearing up to have our very last parenting mentor program of 2022. And the next one won’t take place until January of 2023. So if you would like to join us for a six week self paced program, we would love to have you in this next class that starts November 15th.

The thought is, if not now, then when? It’s never a perfect time to do these things. Whenever we do something new that would be like that, it usually happens after the kids are in bed. It usually happens when everything else is done and we have that quiet time in the evening and we’ll spend extra time. We’ll stay up a little later to have those discussions and to learn the things. And, you know, there’s there’s a way when it’s important enough. And so we encourage you courageous parenting. Not only can you find out about the Parenting Mentor program and security spot, but you also get all the free resources, show notes from this episode and so forth. And thank you so much for being part of the ministry. If you want any part of the ministry or everything that it offers, go to be courageous ministry dot org. And by the way, one of the if you listen to other podcasts, they’ll have every week, they’ll have other companies products they’re promoting or other things they’re promoting. We promote things that under the be courageous brand that actually support directly the ministry. And so one of those is the be courageous coffee. You can go to be creative coffee or through be courageous ministry dot org you can find it but it directly supports the ministry and it is exceptional. Everybody is telling us it’s it’s it’s wonderful and lots of people are loving it.

I really like the flavor. And hey, you know what has been really exciting? I even got Isaac to try decaf at night. And it’s.

Good actually. Really like their decaf.

It’s good. I don’t know if you guys knew this about the be courageous coffee. This is just a side note. We’re just.

Chit chat because I think of the ministry is not us now it’s be courageous ministry dot org.

That’s right which is going to be having some other kids rising up and having some ministry soon. Yeah but you guys the be courageous coffee I just have to say there’s like four different blends. I don’t know if you knew that. So if you got coffee yet or you’re thinking about it like there’s the courageous so I’m going to say it wrong.

Resolute.

Resolute. So the for Z. Yeah. And then the decaf.

Villarosa Decaf.

That’s right. And they’re all Italian names because it’s Italian artisan roasted.

Yeah. So let’s dive in. Okay.

All right.

So what does it mean to provoke? Well, that’s a good question.

Right? So we’re going to read a couple of scriptures with you guys. But before we do that, we thought that it would be just good to talk about what the word provoke means. The other night at the Women’s Bible, say, one of our friends said, When I think of the word provoke, I think of kids like poking each other, like, I’m going to get you. I’m going to get you, you know, and kind of that’s like annoying, right? It provokes the other person to be bothered. And that is actually one way of looking at it. When you look up, the definition of it actually means to irritate, right? Or. Exasperate when you look up exasperate. One of the definitions of exasperate is irritate and those are two of the words that are used in the translation. Different translations regarding these two scriptures we’re going to read. But if you think about it from this perspective, that the two scriptures we’re going to dig into are actually words that are directly commanding parents in how they should be acting or reacting towards their children. So when God says in his word parents or it says fathers do not, but that would apply to mothers as well, right? Sure.

And it commands us not to do something. We need to listen up. Right. If we’re expecting our kids to listen when it says children, obey your parents, we need to also listen up when it says, But parents, hey, listen up. And so let’s read the first one. It’s in Colossians chapter three, verse 20. I’m going to start at verse 20 because it says, Children, obey your parents in everything, not in some things. I added that, not some things. I’m just highlighting this. Children obey your parents and everything for this pleases the Lord. Fathers do not provoke your children lest they become discouraged. This is a declarative sentence. God is declaring something. He’s commanding something here. He’s saying fathers do not or parents. We could say parents in this because I look at this and I go, Well, that’s a warning to me. Fathers, do not do this. Do not provoke your children lest they become discouraged. That also is a warning to us parents What will happen if we provoke our kids? So like how how why is this important in parenting?

Well, it’s important because it makes it difficult for children to do what God has called them to do. And we have a part in this. It’s a relationship. Yes, There’s different roles in the relationship. We’re the leaders and they’re to follow us. But it’s really important, even as you look forward, because what kind of parents do you want your children to be? And they’re going to model much of what they learn, especially in intentional Christian homes. Sometimes if things are completely wacked, then they’re going to go a different direction. But if they’re being raised intentional Christian home, they could easily pick up some of these subtle mistakes and continue them into your legacy. And you don’t want that to happen to your grandkids. And so it’s really important that we are introspective when we look and we go, Hey, where might I be exasperating our children? Maybe asking your spouse, asking each other, where do I exasperate? And I think that’s a really important thing to think about.

That’s a huge you just brought something up that I think would be a really powerful exercise. I actually brought this up the other night when I was talking to some friends and I just said, like, you guys going on a date night and like writing down and evaluating like, how do I potentially provoke my different children? Because it may be different with different kids based upon how they’re wired differently or what their personalities like, or if they’re a boy or girl and you’re a female or you’re the dad, right? It may be different, The different friendship relationship dynamics that you have even regarding gender can sometimes and how you’re wired also are going to bring out different things. And so sitting down with a piece of paper and being introspective, maybe saying a prayer beforehand and going search my heart, oh God, if there’s any wayward way in me, will you let me know? And then sitting down and intentionally being humble and going, Hey, Lord, I really want to know, like, how do I exasperate or provoke my children, write each kid’s name down and maybe start doing that. And then at the end of that exercise, you look at your spouse and you go, Okay, this is what I wrote down. Is there anything that’s a blind spot that I don’t see? Like, that might be a hard conversation, really. People might not be ready for that, but it can be really powerful.

It could be really powerful. Ephesians six three through five says that it may go well with you and they may live long in the land. Fathers do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. So it says what not to do and what to do. Don’t exasperate, bring them up and the Lord in the instruction of the Lord. Well, that’s really awesome. And the more we bring them up in the structure in the Lord, guess what? The more we’re actually in the Bible too. It’s a it’s a double win.

Well, we can’t do it if we’re not in the word, right. Like we need the word open in order to.

Be in the.

More kids, more we’re.

In the word, the less we’re going to exasperate. It’s a sin. It’s it’s you might think about when is it that I do it, when I get interrupted, when I’m doing this certain thing. I know for me it’s really hard if I’m doing work in the midst of everything going on with the family and people don’t know that, or even if they do know that, it’s hard to remember that. And I don’t in the moment I forget to have compassion for and understanding for that confusion. And they interrupt me a bunch and then I can get upset about that. And so it’s just important to understand. What am I doing? There’s two mistakes I made. Maybe I shouldn’t be working right there right then, because it’s confusing. And the other one is I shouldn’t get upset about it because I kind of made that happen.

Yeah, no, I think it’s good.

Just an example of, you know.

Well, you know, while you were talking, I just even think about something that we’ve talked about in leadership roles many times. A good leader falls on the sword like they take responsibility. They understand their position of influence and their position of leadership and going, okay, hold on a second. So if people who are supposed to be following me are not following me with like genuine hearts or sincere hearts, like if they don’t want to follow me or they’re struggling to listen to me, they’re struggling to obey me, we need to step back for a second and go, What is it in my life that’s preventing them from being able to respect? Is there something like that is a really humbling, solid question that we need to ask. Like, why do my kids have a hard time obeying me? Well, obviously there’s the fact that we live in the fallen world and kids don’t need to learn how to sin, right? Because sin is for every man has fallen short of the glory of God. Everyone sins. It’s not something they have to learn is my point. But at the same time, like you always say, do we make it easy for our kids to respect us? Do we make it easy for them to want to obey us? Right.

And I think that that’s a really good question. Like, is there anything in our lives where we could be being a hypocrite that’s making it hard for them to want to listen to us? Right. And that’s a question you would have to ask. It’s interesting, these two verses are so similar, yet they’re different. And I just wanted to point out something that God highlighted for me as I was reading it the other night, both in Ephesians and in Colossians. The first verse that’s talked about is God’s command to children. And then right next to it is God’s command for parents. And I love that because one way that I think parents can provoke or exasperate their children is if they are constantly expecting them to obey them, obey them, obey them, obey them, but they’re not submitted to God to not provoke. Right. And then the scale, like if there was a scale and you have the first verse on one and then the second verse on another, the scale would be far outweighed to where the parents are authoritatively, maybe even harshly, coming down on their kids.

Obey, obey, obey, obey. But then there’s no accountability for them to not be provoking. Right. And so I just I just want to point that out and highlight how good is God that he loves us as his children and our children as his children equally. And there’s accountability for both of us, for our children and for us as parents. Like there’s commands for both of us. And when we’re living those out respectfully. And what I mean by respectfully is our children respect us. So they obey us. They love us, so they obey us. If we have respect for our children, we’re not going to come down harsh on them when it comes to their disobedience. We’re going to gently correct them and we’re going to lead them to the Lord. So I just wanted to bring that up. But let’s go to point two. What are all the different ways that parents provoke now? The reason why we decided to make a list this time, this is different than what we’ve done in other podcasts just to help like get you guys your minds, your wheels thinking, because sometimes we all have blind spots and it’s hard to like see what we may be.

Doing in relationships, have rhythms, and there might be just this little stumbling block in the rhythm of a subtle way you provoke that’s, you know, not bursts of anger or something, but it might be really causing it hard for your children to be obedient and so forth, or it might be frustrating them, right? So that’s really important to think about. I want to take a moment and give you something for free if you haven’t got it already. Is the date night one sheet? It is a beautiful document you can download that will have some key questions on it for your date night. Just get in alignment about what’s most important for your family. No matter what time of year, it’s always important to recalibrate. You can get that by going to Craig’s parenting dot com and subscribing to our mailing list. Also, you can get all of our show notes and everything at courageous parenting dot com. And I also just want to share real quick about the parenting Mentor program. So many families are being transformed by going through this. It’s the six week self paced program with live engagement from us and even direct interaction. So if you want to join us, here’s a little bit more about it. You can find out more at courageous parenting dot com.

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This program provided awesome scripture based teachings and just some really great practical applications. This class has just really rocked my world.

It has given me a vision for not just. The different things that we might focus on as parents who are trying to raise our kids basically, like how our kids are behaving or what we’re doing with discipline, but also the things of the heart. We now have a game plan to how we want to raise our children, and we have so.

Many answers to the questions that have been.

In our mind. It’s not just these hypothetical situations or it’s not just this. Here’s what I think you should do. It’s let me show you where in scripture this is.

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So the first one is that we were thinking of was having too high of expectations. And now I just want to preface this because you know that we’ve said multiple times, like children will rise to the level of responsibility you give them. We’re totally against society’s low expectations of teenagers or even children, right? Like we’re anti terrible twos, we’re anti terrible teens were labels like the labels. We, we in that sense that like we’re countercultural in our thinking and kids have more ability than we give them credit for. They’re smart right But sometimes parents can have too high of expectations on like even their capabilities of things that they can do. And that could be frustrating for a kid, right?

Well, yeah, Too high of expectations could come in like we have this thought in our head that we’ve already told them, taught them this two or three times, and here they are doing it again and it leads to you exasperating them. And the reality is repetition is part of parenting. You know, in the moment, kids forget the right thing to do sometimes. Sometimes it is intentional. And that would be bad. That would be disappointing the parents. But sometimes they just forgot. And so we need to sometimes that can be an expectation that could lead to exasperating.

Yeah. Like having just even expecting them to be perfect right when they’re human actually. Right. Just like how we’re human. And so having realistic expectations would be the cure of that.

And I just want to remind you that none of us in the Tobin family are perfect at all, meaning we all have things to work on. We’re all, you know, love God and trying to be more like him. But we’re humans. And and I just say that because sometimes you could be comparing to other families you see on Instagram or something like that. And it’s really important not to.

Yeah, it’s unhealthy.

And that can alter your expectations of something that you’re not seeing everything when you see just an image on Instagram or something like that of somebody’s family. Yeah, there’s more to it, right? There’s every family has their things they’re working on and reworking on. Frankly, how many times do we have marriage meetings where we’re re working on kind of the same thing again.

Over and over.

Again, you know, sometimes. So just realize that and having grace also for one another, which is really important. First Corinthians 1311 says, When I was a child, I spoke like a child. I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When it became a man, I gave up childish ways.

So I love that verse because it reminds us in my mind, like when I listen to that, like we need to be desiring to grow in spiritual maturity and we want that for our kids. But we do need to remember, like, and have realistic expectations of our children, because when they are children, we can expect children things out of them. Yeah, Does that make sense? And so yeah, we want to like we even had a podcast on this where we were talking about raising the bar of expectations actually, because that is needed in some cases, but in some cases it’s actually that you need to view your children with realistic expectations. Here’s another example of that. Like, do you expect your child to act as if they have the spiritual maturity of someone who’s been walking with the Lord and the Holy Spirit activate it in their life for five or 20 years? Like, do you expect your child to act like that when in reality maybe they just accepted Christ or they still need to? And so that’s what I’m talking about regarding like, what are our expectations? And if we have too high of expectations, we could exasperate our kids.

Another one is yelling coming down to hard on them being harsh. You know, one of our top ten all time podcast episodes over the last four years is how to overcome becoming angry with your children. And I think for a long time it was top five. And I think that this is that tells us that this is a real issue.

I think it’s an epidemic.

It’s an epidemic of losing patience and getting angry. And we want our children to have self control. But here we are losing self control in front of them, at them and getting angry. And I think.

We’re yelling have self control.

Most parents, including us, have made this mistake. But it’s a bad mistake. Like, you know, and I’m preaching to myself, too. Like it’s a bad mistake, Isaac, to get angry at your children. And we all need to kind of say that to ourselves, I think, so that we create change. Reality and not liking reality is sometimes the best motivator.

No, it’s wonderful. It’s a wonderful word that’s just hard to hear. I think that one of the things that was kind of catchy for me to remember as a mom is, am I really going to let my this three year old get me this upset? Like, think about that for a second. When you’re giving power over of your emotions over to the four year old or the 18 month old. And when you look at it in that light, you kind of go, well, that’s a little bit ridiculous. I should I’m the older one. I should be more spiritually mature. So, you know, step up and yeah, and that was kind of the thing that was super convicting. But, you know, when it comes to yelling and calming down Proverbs 22, verse 24 and 25, actually warn us about being around an angry man. And so here we are raising our kids to love the Lord and love his word. And yet if we are stuck in this sin or we’ve allowed a legacy of anger or a spirit of anger to be in our home, that can be.

That’s hypocritical. Let me just read it to you. It says, Make no friendship with a man given to anger. So if we’re teaching the word to our kids and we’re teaching our kids this, but then we’re struggling with anger, wouldn’t that be like we would need to also have wisdom and go, Oh, don’t be friends with your mom or your dad because I’m an angry person. Like, do you see the problem with this? Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a raffle man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare. And so this is. That’s why Isaac brought up the concept of legacy. This is something we’re going to talk about at the very end also. But this Bible verse specifically warns us that parents, from this perspective, if we are angry and we’re wrathful. Our children will learn our ways and be entangled in that same snare. I mean, that’s just what the Bible is saying, right? And this is God’s opinion. This is his warning to us. So this is a big deal.

The next one is impatience or a lack of gentle speech. It might not be anger, but it might be combative in the way it might be forceful. Now, there is a time where a change of tone is warranted, but it can’t be with us in an emotional, losing control state. It’s got to be like, I understand my children need a little more intense of a tone right now to really make a point for them.

To understand, not anger. Yes.

This is not yelling. Yeah. But to to make an impression that this is serious and you’ve affected someone else or you know this or there’s there’s a challenge, right? That’s okay. I don’t want you get us wrong here. But impatience or just on an ongoing basis, having rhythm of lacking that gentleness, snap, snapping, and you’re.

Like, Oh, you’re annoying me. If that is something that your kids feel like. If they feel like they’re annoying you by asking you something, there’s a problem on your part. And you can see it in kids when they’re afraid to go talk to their parents. You can see it. I can see it with kids that are like afraid to ask for something or they’re afraid to ask a question or. Now, I’m not talking about the selfish child. I’m not an advocate for a child centric home. I’m actually not. But I think that there’s a middle road, a balance of not being so consumed yourself with your own thoughts and your own agenda and getting things done that there’s no room for you to slow down and actually make eye contact with your kids and hear them out.

Yeah, we could give.

A difference between that and like having a child that’s so selfish that they’re constantly coming to you and and you just give in all the time, right?

I mean, we could give a podcast episode to kids saying why you should obey your parents, right? But that’s not what this is, is a parenting podcast on subtle ways parents provoke the children.

Right.

Right. So, yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

So overwhelming with too much responsibility. That one is important point, but a lot of parents actually don’t give enough responsibility. So I just want to say that first, even though this is an important point, is that a lot of times children can and want to handle more than they’re given, but they don’t even know how to talk about it. Right. But there are times where we can overwhelm them with too much responsibility. And a lot of times I find that situation would happen if a leader doesn’t give enough information.

About.

What to do and just put it on their shoulders.

So actually, this is something that I had a testimony about that I wanted to share with you guys that might give you some insight, especially for you moms of sons, because boys are wired differently than girls and every person’s wired differently. And this is something that I learned as being a mom of seven sons. So hear me out here because this is something I’ve seen across the board. And this is when you’re giving delegation, right? Like my kids would definitely back me up and go, Yep, Mom is a master delegator. She is good at multitasking and did it to get it around right. I love getting things done. The problem, though, is that sometimes I would overwhelm my sons by giving them too many tasks and rattling it off. And that’s what I mean by this overwhelming them with too much responsibility. Let me give you an example. There was this one time where I was looking at one of my sons and I said, Can you go take this to the RV and then take this and start the washing machine and then I need you to do this. And then I got they got the glassy look over their face, and then the tears started welling up in their eyes and I went, What’s wrong, bud? And he was just like, That’s too many things.

I want to help. But it’s too many things. I already forgot what was the first one? And it just dawned on me like, I’m like that I have a memory where I can remember a long list. But not everybody is like that. And we can exasperate our children and provoke them to tears, provoke them to frustration, even anger if we don’t have a consideration for how they’re wired. And so like really studying your kids and understanding like, what are the ways that I personally can provoke my kids, that was one that I had to come to a realization of. And so one thing that was a great help for me was using dry erase boards. I got that from Isaac. And so I get a dry erase board out and I would literally put all the tasks we need to get done when we’re going on vacation. And then I would assign by putting their names and putting them in categories. And then then the kids could come up and just wipe them off or cross them out as I got them done. And there wasn’t mom micromanaging. There wasn’t any like mom coming back, going, Come on, we’re in a hurry. Why didn’t you do this? And being kind of lacking grace and compassion for the fact that maybe they just forgot.

So powerful because there’s a feeling of accomplishment, too, when you go check it off and there’s not that risk of forgetting. You have it right there and everybody is wired so differently. That’s such a good point and so appropriate information not causing others to have to rely on their memory for more than a couple of things is really, really important because we can become frustrated when in reality our expectation was too much for them. Remembering a list that’s so good.

Yeah. So you know, and on this, as far as overwhelming a child you had mentioned like when you taking a moment and going, okay, did I actually train them or teach them in this? And there have been many times as a mom of many and maybe I’m speaking this to you if you’re listening where I have like thought, I trained a kid in something, but it was because I trained the first six kids in it so many times that I just thought that the seventh kid got it, but I actually hadn’t stopped to teach them. So then here I am with an expectation of them to know how to do something when in reality it’s an unfair expectation because I haven’t taken the time to train them.

Some kids are more process orientated, the way their brain operates and some are more intuitive where they’ll take information and kind of connect them together and kind of guess and feel comfortable with that and want. The next thing is based on what someone said, but a process orientated person is not going to want to take that risk of trying to guess what the next thing is. They’ll find it extremely painful inside and they’ll want just the step by step by step, but then they’ll implement it like you wouldn’t believe. So that’s really important.

Yeah. The next thing that you may or may not have thought of, and this is super important, we actually have a whole podcast on sibling rivalry and not having a spirit of competition in your home because this can literally deteriorate and break down your family legacy. Like I’m talking kids not wanting to be in a relationship with each other when they’re older, when they have their own families, and I know you don’t want that. So this next point, please hear me out. Do not provoke your children to anger or to be discouraged by creating competition between siblings or friends.

So important. Here’s a scripture on a second Corinthians ten through 12, ten, 12 excuse me. Not that we dare to classify it or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves, but when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding. So if you’re comparing your children to other siblings or other people, the Bible actually says you’re without understanding. Yeah, that’s a big deal.

It is a big deal. There’s another scripture that talks about not having favorites, which could be in the same category, right? Like if you’re if you have And when I say favorites, like I know that no parents have like a favorite child, that’s like, impossible. But the truth is, is like if you are creating competition between your children, what your the reality is, is that maybe in your head you don’t have a favorite, but what’s perceived by your child is that your favorite? Is that child that you’re comparing them to when you’re saying, why can’t you just do this like so-and-so? It’s shining a light, a spotlight on that so-and-so as the favored child. Yeah. And even though that might not be what you’re meaning to do, what you’re meaning to do is say, Why can’t you just learn from them? It’s not hard. They can do it. That means you can do it too. Well, that’s not encouraging. That’s creating a spirit of competition among siblings.

Hey, we’ve got like seven more of these in a final point. So we’re going to do a little bit rapid fire here. Right. So how about not listening or not being consistent with the rules you yourself have set out or your spouse has set out? And that can be very exasperating. Definitely not listening to children, even though see, the problem is we actually a lot of times probably know what they’re thinking. They’re our children. We actually probably know what they’re about to say. But if a human being isn’t allowed to verbalize their thoughts, they don’t feel understood even if you knew what they were going to say. So this is really frustrating for.

People, and I think that the listening kind of goes along with interrupting, even though that’s way down in our list. Yeah, this was something that I personally confessed to the women in our church, and I don’t mind sharing that with you guys too. But interrupting has been one of those things where I don’t it’s not that I purposefully want to interrupt and I don’t like the fruit that it brings. It’s that sometimes I’m in such a hurry to get to the next thing in the day because things are taking such a long time that I try to interrupt to some things up or whatever it is. And it never goes well, literally never goes well. And you know, sometimes you have kids within your family, too, where you’re so much alike and something that you butt heads. And that has been the case in our family. There is one that for for me, there’s more interrupting that happens when there’s conflict with the specific child. And it’s something that has been it’s been hard in our communication. Of course, we’ve always come together in. For giving one another. But you guys, this is like a big deal that we need to evaluate in our minds and then have accountability and repent of it. We’ll get more into like, what does God call us to do next If any of these things we’ve been bringing up or something that you’re struggling with. But I think that listening and interrupting are kind of in the same category they are.

And it also adds to and this is a separate point, but not valuing them. But another aspect of that is kids are idea generators. They are conversationalists with this starting with Y, and sometimes we just fail to really give value to their thoughts and their ideas. Don’t you want your children when they mature and get older to believe that the things they say are valuable to the world and the people around them? If you want your kid to be an evangelist and whatever they’re doing and share the gospel, you’re going to want them to feel confident that when they say things, people think it’s valuable. Well, they are practicing right in your home. If you don’t think their ideas are valuable or what they’re saying is valuable, that is going to hurt potentially their confidence.

That’s right. And so that can actually provoke them into not trying. So because that would be provoking them into being discouraged. Right. Which is what the Bible warns us against doing. Another one that’s in here is being inconsistent with rules. So here’s a perfect example. When you have kids and you’ve parented a certain way and then you start getting maybe a little more exhausted and tired a.k.a lazy, and you’re not parenting as intentionally with the younger ones. And then the elders are like, Hello, this isn’t consistent. That’s so frustrating, right? And so that’s just one thing that comes to mind. Another would be like if you’re inconsistent where you have a rule and then you break the rule and then you then you break a different way and then you later on you bring that same rule up as if it’s this like written in stone thing. When you’re breaking that very rule yourself. I even think of the being inconsistent. There’s another word that comes to mind Pharisee modern day Pharisee hypocrisy is another word that comes to mind, right? Where if we’re inconsistent, here’s an example. If you have a standard of what you allow for your kids to watch in movies, but you yourself know, don’t have a standard, then there’s an inconsistency with the rules that you put out there, right? And when your kids are older, they’re going to be able to sniff that out. And so we need to be consistent and let our yes boys and our no be know.

Hey, just a caveat to that. There could be different movies you watch, but they shouldn’t be different than what you would expect or want them watching when they’re 18 or older. That’s the point. Yeah, right. So now keeping a record of wrong or having a grudge or any unforgiveness, this is a big deal. And a sign that you may do this is when you’re talking to your kids about something you’re disappointed in. You bring up a whole past list of things you’re also disappointed in that have already been reconciled or talked about or dealt with. And that’s just a sign that there might be unforgiveness and building identity that’s negative in an area for that children.

Child Yes, So that can be hugely discouraging because if the child has been really working at that thing, that was a problem a year ago, and then you bring it up as if you’ve seen it in the past year, but they actually have conquered that, Praise God, they can be super discouraged. Yeah. So this is I would say this is especially well, it doesn’t matter the age of the kid. It could affect a seven year old just as much as it could affect a 17 year old. So make sure you’re not keeping a record of wrongs. The next thing is labeling and not allowing your kids to grow. That could be hugely provoking of anger. I can see that happening Like.

Well, I think sometimes it’s like, where did the time go? We have these sayings. As parents, I can’t believe they’re already this age and those are innocent and normal. But sometimes when we are trying to preserve a certain season, we don’t allow our kids to go into the next season like we ourselves just want to freeze this time while they’re a certain age that we love and they grow older and we might actually inadvertently be not allowing them to mature or acknowledging the maturity in them that is, they’re or could be they’re just because we’re hoping things don’t change. We actually need to be parents that are excited about getting older ourselves, that are excited about our children getting older. Because when you have that paradigm, you actually are more likely to call children up into greater value and responsibility and capabilities. And this kind of thing doesn’t tend to happen.

So another one, another thing that might provoke your children is double standard, which, you know, we kind of already talked about this with inconsistencies or hypocrisy, that double standard that’s definitely there and. Overreacting about things for sure is definitely something like here. Let me give you an example. This one, I think goes with the next one on the list, which is shaming in front of people, but overreacting about something, maybe making a bigger deal. You know, there’s this saying that’s like don’t cry over spilled milk. I actually have done that. Can I just say that out loud? Like, yeah, I’ve cried over a baby toddler spilling milk because it had been one of those days. I actually can remember it. It was probably 17 years ago and I remember where I was standing. I remember how it happened and it was just like ridiculous. I was honestly, I was postpartum and had hormones going through my body. I was exhausted. I had many children under five, kids under seven. And you guys, sometimes you’re in those places where you are actually at a point, a breaking point and you’re provoked and it can provoke you. Right. The thing the mistake. But what we do next is what’s so important. And if we in our provoking end up turning it around and blaming the child. That’s not fair to them. And so in those times, we need to be really honest and we need to apologize and we need to try to make it right.

Be really careful about what you say yes to. I do say yes to my kids, but only when I know that I’m going to do everything I possibly can to make that happen. And so they do get a lot of maybes. We will see. It depends how today goes, those kinds of things, because I am not going to be a father who breaks promises because the Bible says in Matthew five, 2337, it says, Let what you say be simply yes or no. Anything more than this comes from evil. So when I say yes, I mean it. And when I say no, I mean it. And and if I can’t say yes, I will let them know when I can say us.

But oftentimes that broken promise could be something that provokes a child to get mad, right? Because if they’ve really been looking forward to it and then you don’t follow through, they feel like they don’t matter to you. And that could provoke them to be discouraged and be in total tears over it. Right now, when we are talking about overreacting, I just mentioned something briefly and that shaming in front of people, this is a really big deal. And this is, I think especially well, I take it back not especially parents of toddlers. I think that even parents of older kids could struggle with this and it could be extremely embarrassing. Right. When they when they look at them and they correct them in front of people, even if it’s something minor, it makes that person feel foolish and small. And that’s not okay. And I’m sure that you as a parent would never want your kid to feel that way, but that’s really what it actually does. And so we need to realize that our kids are humans, too, and they get embarrassed, just like you would get embarrassed.

Right. And so we need to have compassion on them. And when we do need to correct them, we pull them aside. I even think of Matthew 1815 that says if your brother sends against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. There’s the key is alone, Right? In fact, you know, I’m just going to be honest with you. If you’re correcting your child and you really want them to hear your heart, don’t do it in front of other people because they’re going to be concerned about what other people are thinking. And they may not even have their eyes on you, let alone hear what you’re saying. If you want them to hear you and you want real change and you want them to reciprocate, respect you, respect them by taking them to a different room and having a real conversation, regardless of how frustrated you are that it interrupted your conversation with a friend, you need to take the time and not shame them in front of other people, but take them aside and do it alone.

Okay, So our final point and we’re going to wrap this up, but hope this was super helpful so far is what does God call us to do next? So we’ve identified some things. By the way, how do you think we know about these? Because we’ve had to work on many of these ourselves, Right. And so what is God calls you next? We have to confess and repent. It’s super important. Proverbs 2813 says whoever conceals his transgression will not prosper. But he confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. What do we need to confess to our spouse about? What do we need to repent to our children about? How powerful is that, by the way, if in peacetime, when things are good, there’s no arguments going on, you proactively meet with your child and you go, You know what? I’ve noticed something as your father that when I’m working and you don’t always realize I’m working because I’m just in the living room, that that I get impatient with you and and I get upset that you interrupted me. And that would be something important to do, right? To to confess and repent of it. And what does that tell your little Johnny? It’s like, whoa, he’s human and he loves me and he respects me because he’s talking to me in these ways and humbling himself. And I want to be like him. Oh. Part of being like him is to be humble.

It’s beautiful to think that that could be a legacy that your kids learn from you. James 516 says, Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another that you may be healed. I’m sure that you, if you’re really honest, could have pinpointed some of the things that we talked about as being ways that maybe you’ve sinned against your kids and provoked them. And maybe those are the same things that you experienced as transgressions against you from your parents. And so I just want to point out that there is there is a generational sin that has been passed on. It was learnt just like we read in Proverbs 22 earlier today. And so I just want to encourage you, though, that this Scripture is saying that if you confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, you may be healed. This is a promise of God. And but we have to be humble enough, like Isaac saying to confess and repent and turn away from our sin and not do it again. Get accountability with your spouse or with friends. Share with women in your church if you’re a woman, if you’re a man. Right. And be honest, There is so much power in bringing sin into the light. First, John, one eight and nine says, If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. That is the bondage breaking grace of Jesus.

Opening up greater impact with the Holy Spirit, helping you in your family and husbands. Let’s ask our wives How can we help? Sometimes it’s a really big job with all the dynamics of children during the day and so forth, and they’re very well could be ways you could help, even though you’re not there during the daytime and how you approach it when you come home, how you back up and support your wife, how you ask her questions, maybe read scripture together in an area that she’s struggling with or that you’re struggling with. And I just think that’s beautiful.

You know, a lot of you guys, as you’re listening to, I know that there is a time when like when because I know scripture this these two scriptures have been on my heart for quite a while. There were times where I, in my sin and in my humanity of wanting to justify losing it or losing my temper, which I don’t know if you guys have done that. Maybe you’re you’re a better Christian than I am, but that’s been the reality as a mom and and and I’ve been very conflicted about it. But there was this one time where I thought to myself, But my child is provoking me to sin. I’m not just yelling or I’m not just doing this. They provoked me by what they did. It’s their fault. They did their thing first. And so I have a little word for you guys, if you’ve ever thought that to yourself, or if you’re even thinking that now, Galatians six one, it’s not it’s not my word. It’s actually God’s word says Brother. If anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself lest you also be tempted. And when you look at this scripture through the eyes of a parent and you realize, Yeah, those of you who are spiritual, why I would hope that I’m more spiritually mature than my child. I would hope you’re more spiritually mature than your child. God actually calls us that when our kids are caught in a transgression, when they are yelling, when they are not sharing, when they are being selfish or sinful, we who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness, keeping watch on ourselves so that we are not tempted to sin. How would we be sending by provoking? That’s why the first one says children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. And then it says, Parents, fathers do not provoke your children to wrath, lest they be discouraged.

We need to lead. Well, hey, we hope this was encouraging and helpful and brought some good insights.

If you guys would really like to dig into these scriptures more, go to be courageous ministry dot org and find the podcast with all the show notes and scriptures.

Thanks for joining.

Us. See ya. Hey, thanks for listening to this episode. For more resources, go to courageous parenting and courageous mom dot com for free online workshops, blog posts, and best selling courses. Also, we wanted to quickly tell you about our six week online parenting mentor program. Isaac and I created a powerful biblical curriculum. Here’s how it works. Each week we release a video with a downloadable parenting packet to make it easy for you to incorporate those teachings directly into your parenting.

This is an incredible self-paced program where we cover everything from obedience training to overcoming mistakes most Christians are making. But more than that, it’s a supportive community. You’ll have access to our private online group, live Webcasts and the courageous parenting text message line where Angie and I can send you weekly encouragement straight to your phone.

If you’re interested in joining our next online parenting mentor program, secure your spot now at CourageousParenting.com

This is a vital season to be super intentional with your children, but there are a lot of obstacles that naturally arise in this season for parents making it challenging. The Tolpins cover important family dynamics, the realities of what’s happening to children in this age range, and practical insights on what to be doing.

Main Points From This Episode:

• Reflect on the realities of what’s happening in the middle school years
  • Body changes
  • Opposite gender attraction
  • Identity solidification
  • Faith strengthening or weakening
  • Potential increase in insecurities
  • Increased independence
  • Peer pressure
  • Desire to be known
• It’s vital to encourage the right family dynamics
  • Prevent identity-harming words from being said by older siblings
  • Remind older siblings to see their growth so they don’t stall their maturity
  • Cultivate strong sibling relationships

Scripture From This Episode:

Ephesians 6:10-18 – “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints,”

Psalms 139:1-4 – “O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.”

Ephesians 5:4 – “Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving.”

Romans 12:2 – “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

Proverbs 18:21 – “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.”

Proverbs 26:18-19 – Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, “I am only joking!”

If The Spirit Prompts You to Financially Support (We are a for-profit, for social good organization.)

Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

Welcome to Courageous Parenting Podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Hi, I’m Angie from Courageous Mom.

And I’m Isaac from Resolute.

Man, We’ve been married for 21 years and have seen the fruit from raising our eight kids biblically. Based on the raw truth found in the Bible.

We can no longer let the culture win the hearts of children. Too many children from Christian families are walking away from their faith by age 18. And it doesn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t be this way. Join us as we start an important conversation about effective parenting and the following. Hey, welcome to the podcast.

Hi, guys.

Good topic today. Really needed. We felt like the Lord was pressing this on us.

Oh, you guys. Check it out. This is the title tending middle schoolers hearts so important.

Now, hey, even if you don’t have a middle schooler yet, this will help you to think about it. We need to think about things before.

Yeah. Actually, on that topic, we have a podcast that we just did a few weeks ago about vision and legacy, and this is exactly a perfect example as to why. What if you’re listening to this and your kids are too? If you’re pregnant with your first good job, you’ve got Angie and Isaac sitting here clapping our hands saying, Good job. You’re listening to this about middle schoolers, because that is what it means to actually have a vision for your legacy in the future. And you will not regret it because you need to foresee things happening before they happen so that you can proactively parent years ahead of time. And it will be less work like less hardship in the midst of what could potentially be a really hard season in parenting for a lot of people. Mm hmm. You know, I just I think about middle schoolers, and I can’t help but think what I used to think before we had kids about middle schoolers. I used to believe the lie that those years, those junior high years were, like potentially the worst years of parenting, because that’s what the world tells you. That’s even what the Christian world tells you. And I just as I’m going to be courageous and I’m going to go out on a limb and I’m going to say, you know what? I think that if you expect it to be bad, it will be bad if you expect it to be enjoyable and some of the best years that you could have as parenting, then guess what? You’re going to reap what you sow. And so I just want to encourage you guys, you know, on a practical level, how many kids we have. We have nine kids. You guys know that. But we’ve had five that have already gone through and graduated from this age category. And we currently have our sixth son is in this middle schooler range. He’s 12 years old.

It’s such an important season in their life because it’s just this period right before they go into their teenage years, which is right before they launch into the world out of your home. So it’s like, wow, this is all going to happen so rapidly. Once they’re in that middle school age range, they’re going to be gone before you know it. And so you have to seize this precious opportunity with your children during the season.

It’s so true. And I think, too, like as I look back and I go, wow, okay, So we’ve had five kids that we’ve already raised through this that are all surpassed the middle school years. So I definitely feel like permission, if you will, from the Lord that we can speak to this, because I truly look at all five of the kids that have gone through this season and these years where some of my favorite with them and it just they all were a true delight. I can genuinely say they all were a true delight during their middle school years. And I don’t think you hear that very often from people. And so I just I hope that that’s an encouragement to you. We by no means are perfect parents, so we’re going to be sharing some of the things that we’ve recognized and learned over the years. Parenting middle schoolers. But before we get into that, we just want to say thank you.

Yeah. Thank you so much for being part of the ministry. Whether you’re sharing your praying for us, we do appreciate your prayers. We just send an email out if you’re on our email list, asking for prayers for some very specific things. And it’s just so important because when you’re leaning out to do things for the Kingdom of God and impact people with with a ministry, there’s a target on your back and praise God. God is so much stronger than the enemy and more powerful and all those things. But when you pray for the ministry, it helps. Yeah, we feel it even. It’s amazing. And so we would really appreciate that.

And on that note, if you’re not on our email list, would you just go to be courageous ministry dot org and get on our email list? Isaac sent out an email this week just sharing some prayer requests. On a personal.

Level, you actually probably can’t get on our list from that site yet, but that is on the list to do. I think our social accounts courageous parenting on Instagram. You can get on our list and if you go to Craig’s parenting dot com, you can get our list too.

Yeah, but thanks for that clarification. Yeah, sorry about that, guys, but I just I share that because Isaac was really transparent in with some prayer requests and and we’re not going to dive into that today. But if you guys are on a prayer or email list, please do get on that because we love to share with you guys and get feedback. And we really appreciate everybody who’s been praying for him and praying for our family. We just really appreciate you guys.

Also, everything can be found to be courageous. Ministry dot org. Show notes for the podcast Free Resources, The Courageous Parenting Free workshop with us. So make sure you find that if you haven’t gone through that yet, obviously the parenting mentor. Program, things you can do to support the ministry. And it’s so important because we’re full time. We work at this full time. There’s so many moving parts and responsibility. And so if you buy something, it directly impacts our family, but also the ability to further the impact of the ministry.

To keep doing this.

We’re just some insight is we haven’t done advertising since the 2020 20 election. Yeah, and we used to do it and it worked really well with meta, Instagram, Facebook and we stopped for principled reasons. But I think that it’s important that we start looking for places. We did an experiment with Gab Dotcom, the social media platform, and it seems to work, but we need a budget for that, right? There’s some things we need to do to be able to expand the impact of the ministry. Coffee’s going well. Every purchase supports the ministry, so those that do love coffee, that’s a great way to switch and support it. But we’re just so thankful because we are walking in faith every single week and giving our absolute best to have impact.

Yeah, Yeah. Awesome. Well, let’s just dive in, you guys. We the title of today’s podcast, as we mentioned before, is tending middle schoolers Hearts. And I don’t know if you know this, but we’re pretty careful with our titles. They’re pretty purposeful most of the time. They’re very, very purposeful in that if I was to break it all down and definitions, you’d be like, Oh wow, They really took some thought into that. And so I’m just going to share part of the process with you guys, tending for example, to tend to means to go to or move in a particular direction. Don’t we want to do that? We want to connect with our kids hearts. We want to move middle schoolers hearts in a particular direction, right? It also means to deal with problems. Don’t we want to deal with the problems that middle schoolers are having in their hearts and in their minds? Of course we do. It also means to deal with the needs of a person. And so I just love this word tending that we’re tending to our middle schoolers hearts. I think that, of course, obviously that could apply to any age of child. You want to tend to your child’s hearts for sure, but we are going to dive into what it actually what is going on with those middle school years and what needs to be tended to most.

Right. I can I love I’m going to use the analogy, even though it’s really Angie’s Department more than mine, but in the garden. Oh yeah, it is. So have you ever seen a garden? Not tended to. I have. Right. Gardens that haven’t been tended to. I’m just going to be honest. They’re pretty ugly. There’s like.

There’s hardly any.

Fruit, There’s hardly any fruit. Things are dry, there’s weeds everywhere. There’s little labels from plants lying around. The trellises are falling down. It’s just a mess. It’s very messy. And what’s cool about a garden is you can see it visibly. So, you know, So if you have a motivation to have a good garden, you can see the disarray and go tend it. What’s interesting about somebody heart, your child’s heart is you can’t visibly see it. You can see some aspects of it and behavior and things like that, mood and things going on with them. You can say some see some indicators, but it really takes an intentionality. And this is so important in this season of their life that we are super intentional to see the reality of the heart because it may actually look like an untended garden and we don’t realize it.

That’s so good. Isaac, I’m so glad that you shared it. I, I even think as a gardener and taking the time to tend a garden, it takes a lot of time to know your garden, right? Depending on the size. Right. It’s like if you’re not out there even for a day, then you reap what you sow. And I think that a lot of parents who their kids grow up into the high school years and they look back and they’re like, Why? Why do I feel so distant from my child? Or maybe in the adult years to where they only see their kids at holidays and it’s by obligation rather than just like, I really like you and you’re one of my best friends and I want to spend time with you and you see them often. Like there’s a difference in family culture based upon how much time you invest tending to it. And so for me, there’s really been a huge analogy in even teaching and modeling for my kids. Being a disciplined person and tending to the garden every day, I believe that they catch that purposefulness when they’re going out there with me. It creates a muscle and a habit. And what’s cool is like when you’re doing something on a regular basis like that, you can also make it purposeful by having deep conversations with your kids, which is what we’ve also done. But this isn’t a podcast about gardening, it’s a podcast about tending your middle school.

Or what is the reality of a middle schooler and pursuing their.

Hearts. Well, there’s a lot of reality. Is that middle schoolers definitely what they’re dealing with. Let’s just list some. So obviously middle schoolers, this is when hormones start changing and growing and their body begins changing and growing.

Which can create some insecurities, some hidden insecurities that might be part of an untended garden if you’re not knowing what those insecurities are intending to.

That’s right. And what would be the practical way of tending to those things? Right? So I just even think, you know, having conversations proactively with your kids before those things happen, like so that they are not alarmed when they start having odor, for example. Right. Or they get their first zit and maybe they they are embarrassed about it and they don’t feel like they can come talk to you. You haven’t prepared them ahead of time. So then they like maybe they pop it and they really like they overly do something to it, right? Like scratching it and squeezing it and then they end up hurting their face more, right?

Or they start having some whiskers and then maybe somebody mentions it, Oh, you’re getting your whiskers.

You know, you don’t even notice.

And they don’t know how to tend to their face.

That’s right. And so I even think like just body changing. Right. And they’re becoming more aware of their body and other people’s bodies as well. And kids at this age need to be taught to have discretion in what they say to one another. But let’s just be honest. Are most middle schoolers taught how to have verbal discretion towards other teenagers? Now, I would say this is probably they’re figuring it out. And so they stumble a lot.

In middle.

Schoolers, middle schoolers, and even just teenagers they like they’ll stumble a lot, in their words, because they haven’t been taught discretion. I would say that this is like a huge thing if you regarding body image, you need to have that conversation with your kids that, hey, listen, you know, acne is embarrassing, Odor is an embarrassing thing. Some kids get embarrassed when they start needing to wear different clothes because they’re starting to grow in their chest or they’re growing in different areas. Right. Like, don’t bring it up, don’t verbalize it and announce, oh, wow, look, this happened. No, you don’t point out the zit. Right? And so having that conversation, even with younger siblings, that maybe the oldest sibling is having acne for the first time, they shouldn’t be pointing it out on the way to church. Jenny has a zit. No. Like that kind of conversation shouldn’t be happening. Right. And and so I really if I can if there’s one thing that you can do to help your children, to have more security, it would be to have that conversation of verbal discretion, which we’ll talk more about that. In regards to different thing.

This is also when gender, the opposite gender, becomes very appealing, usually.

That’s right. Which is hopefully a.

Good that’s a really good thing. You know, when when I find out about that, I’m like, awesome, That’s how God made them. Yeah. I’m not alarmed by it.

No, no.

And this is great that we can have this conversation so that we can help them navigate those feelings.

That’s right. And I think, too, there’s a need for leadership. Wouldn’t you agree that there’s a need for leadership in regards to how you lead your child’s heart regarding how they view the opposite gender? And I get that today. I mean, you know that that topic of gender alone can be very controversial and it can be confusing for kids. But really, God’s way is not confusing. Very simple. It’s very simple. And I just it was interesting. I was having women’s group for our church last week and we were talking about this, how God named Eve female and he he named Adam Male. Right. And there’s man and woman and how womb is in the word womb? Man Right. Like and how beautiful that is that.

It’s Whoa, man.

That’s true. Right? She’s pretty. I think so funny. I think that that’s definitely a unique Isaac topic.

But you guys, like, in all seriousness, God was very clear. He’s simple. He’s not confusing. We are humans, but women are humankind with a womb. And that’s the distinction. It’s very simple. And so when we raise our kids with the confidence that it is very simple and there is nothing that’s confusing and right is right and wrong is wrong, when the world is telling them that right is wrong and wrong is right, We need to be solid in our convictions so that our children can have confidence in the convictions that they’ve been taught because it’s during these middle school years where they’re potentially going to be exposed to people who are trying to confuse them even more. So I definitely would say that there’s an attempt. Back on children today, even at a very young age. I’m sure you would agree we’ve all become very aware of this evil agenda that’s being pushed by the leftists. But truly, the middle school ages is when they’re actually proactively doing things like trying to convince kids to take blockers at school or or even worse, things where hysterectomies are happening to kids at different universities in Boston. And I’ve seen all these different interviews with doctors on staff, and I’m literally I’m sick to my stomach thinking that kids ages 11 to 14 are being mutilated and permanent things are happening to them. So this is the thing. I don’t think that’s going to happen to your kids. But there’s they may meet another kid their age where that has happened to them and that can cause confusion.

Well, there’s another thing about gender. I mean, one of Biden just interviewed some transgender person and she was promoting that the bulge should be OC right. And in the crotch area for transgender women and like showing that off.

Wearing ties promoting that yeah it’s so hard to know.

If it’s and so the only reason I say that is we’re raising kids in a world where that’s going to be probably a new trend and that’s going to be confusing. Like is it right? What is it?

And the only way your kids would not be exposed to it is if you were an isolationist and you never even went out. Because the truth the truth is that what Isaacson is, that’s going to become a thing that people see even going to the mall. Right? Right. Like this specific person you’re talking about was promoting their shopping shorts.

It’s not like you can protect your kids from everything they’re going to start being exposed to, especially in the middle school years. And they actually need to understand what’s happening in the world so you can train them. We don’t advocate for hiding those things. We don’t purposely show those things. But when they do happen and they see something, you have the relationship where you can have a conversation, but feeling rock solid and who God made them to be is so important. This can be a confusing time and especially with what they see out in the world. So it has to be a really clear distinction about God’s truth and the difference in that and what the world’s truth is.

Yeah, and speaking of identity, because that’s what you’re kind of talking about, having that strong rock solid belief in how God made them. Yeah, like that’s one of the big things for middle schoolers. I would say that the eight year old and the five year old, they to them to little kids, I just love talking to little littles because things are black and things are white, Things are wrong and things are right. And it’s interesting how they just are. They’re so confident. They’re like, I’m a boy. They’re just that’s how they are. If they haven’t been purposefully, I’m just going to say it abused to be confused that it’s just that’s who they are and they’re confident in that and they’re joyful about that. Right. But then when kids get to be in the middle school age is right. That’s where they’re like starting to really ask some deeper questions. And I think that guys, can I just say, this is one of the reasons why I think I enjoy this season so much with the kids that we’ve had go through the season is because they are asking bigger, deeper questions and it becomes fun in a different kind of way. Like when they’re younger, it’s light hearted, fun questions and they’re like curious about everything and they love learning and oh, look at this rock. Isn’t this rock so cool? And but when they’re in junior high middle school ages, it’s like they want to know more. They want to be educated. They want to figure out what they’re good at. They want to learn things. And they have such a teachable heart for being. And they have the physical capabilities of actually taking on more than they did when they were younger. Yeah, So it can be fun in a whole new way. But this is definitely a reality that middle schoolers are trying to figure out their identity and what they believe.

And so we need to be leading spiritually in the home. We need to be having conversations. We need to allow room for their unbelief to be spoken if it’s real, if they have some unbelief and not be alarmed about it, but instead have healthy spiritual conversations about biblical truth and praying together and so forth and loving them and showing that we love them no matter what. Because if they have any inclination that love is tied to their belief in God, then they might hide the fact that they have some unbelief. And it’s they’re on a weak ground in their faith and you don’t even know it. And this is the time where we need to cultivate that relationship leading into those teenage years. It’s so important.

So so those years, like when they’re potentially learning things, they’re figuring out what they believe you as a parent, it should be your main goal to know what they believe and to lead them in what to believe. Because if you don’t lead them proactively in what to believe, then. They may start actually believing other things because of what they’re exposed to and other influences in their life. And so we have to take time to invest in those relationships and have those conversations. If you aren’t having conversations, then you actually probably don’t know what your child believes.

Now, this is a time where they’re becoming more independent and there can be a trend of parents starting to encourage some of that independence, which is good and kind of not micro-manage, not be a helicopter parent in the negative aspect of that and kind of let them start doing some things more on their own, which is great. But then what can happen is.

Well, then sometimes kids can start to feel ignored by their parents or feel like their parents are spending more time on younger siblings or older siblings or whatever it is. Right. And I just think that we all need to be able to have teachable hearts. This is something that like, you know, how we shared in one of our previous podcasts that we were going to go to our kids and ask them some very the courageous parenting challenges that we put in the podcast regarding the parenting epidemic that’s happening today. If you haven’t listened to that podcast, you need to go listen to it. This is another one of those things where we could easily ask ourselves that question about each of our kids. Do any of our kids feel like they’re ignored by us, or maybe just not purposefully pursued by us would be another way of putting it. Because maybe it’s not that you’re ignoring, but maybe it’s that you’re not purposefully pursuing because you’re distracted.

Well, I can I can speak to that. It’s like when you have if you have teenagers, middle schoolers and youngers, and I know that’s maybe a small group of people.

And then babies.

Not that it can be, honestly, it can be very easy to be less purposeful with the middle schooler because in the back of your mind, you’re like, well, there’s a lot more time for them. So I really need to tend to the teenagers. I have to tend to the younger ones because they’re demanding and the middle schoolers are independent enough to be doing things on their own, but they’re going to be around a while, so we could easily take that for granted.

That’s right. And so, you know, as parents, we need to understand, like think for a second. You guys always hear, oh, those the weeks go so fast with a newborn, they grow so much. And then you hear the same thing about the younger years, Oh, in a blink of eye, they’re going to be middle aged kids. So enjoy it. Now you hear that all the time. So if we all know this already, we need to understand that. Like, we can’t just take for granted that our kids are going to be in our home for eight more years. Like I remember when Kelsey was just going into the junior high years, if you will, into seventh grade, and I remember thinking.

I only have six more years until she’s potentially graduating.

And it was like this like heart stopped. Like I have so much I want to do with her and teach her and our relationship. I want to be closer. And I’m like, was excited, but also kind of overwhelmed because I’m like, I need more time. And you guys just share that with your kids. I think that your kids would really feel loved and filled up if they knew how much you wanted to spend even more time with them, and that you really want to purposefully fill them up so that they’re prepared to launch. That’s so special for your kids to hear.

I want to take a moment and give you something for free if you haven’t got it already. Is the date night one sheet? It is a beautiful document you can download that will have some key questions on it for your date night to just get in alignment about what’s most important for your family. No matter what time of year, it’s always important to recalibrate. You can get that by going to parenting dot com and subscribing to our mailing list. Also, you can get all of our show notes and everything at courageous parenting dot com. And I also just want to share real quick about the parenting Mentor program. So many families are being transformed by going through this. It’s the six week self paced program with live engagement from us and even direct interaction. So if you want to join us, here’s a little bit more about it. You can find out more at courageous parenting dot com.

Steve and I realized that we were getting too comfortable with the world’s vision of how to raise our children. But Angie and Isaac have done in creating this is literally phenomenal. This program provided awesome scripture based teachings and just some really great practical applications. This class has just really rocked my world. It has given me a vision for not just the different things that we might focus on as parents who are trying to raise our kids basically, like how our kids are behaving or what we’re doing with discipline, but also the things of the heart.

We now have a game plan to how we want to raise our children. We have so many answers to the questions that have been in our mind.

It’s not just these hypothetical situations or it’s not just this. Here’s what I think you should do. It’s let me show you where in scripture this is. Do your legacy a favor and your self a favor and just do it. One of the best things that we’ve done this year, one of the best investments we’ve made this year, and I could not recommend it more, we’re no longer fearing. Dark days ahead, but we’re so excited to raise the lights to be leaders for the next generation.

But let me just share some of the other things that are maybe a reality for middle schoolers that maybe you’re not realizing. And if it’s not a reality, if you’ve got middle schoolers and this is not your reality. Praise Jesus. Praise Jesus. But the reality is that some of your middle schoolers might have friends who this is happening to them, and that will actually impact your kids, too. So here’s a reality that sometimes we don’t think about with middle schoolers. Experts say that most marriages that are going to end in divorce will end in divorce between years ten and 11. But we’ve also seen over the years that years 15 and 16, sometimes parents that like if divorce is going to happen, it’s usually in the first 16 years of marriage that divorce happens. And if that is the case, guess how old their kids usually are? They’re usually at this middle school or age. So while middle schoolers are experiencing body changes for the first time, they’re trying to figure out what they believe. They don’t know what their identity or their purpose in life is. They may have insecurities. Maybe they’re starting to be attracted to the opposite gender or whatever it is. They have all these questions, all these things. They’re they don’t really know a lot. They’re learning, but then all of a sudden their parents are getting divorced. And that can be just life shattering for these kids. And not only that, but think about if you’ve ever known anyone who’s gone through divorce. Can I just speak bluntly? Those adults that are going through divorce, a lot of times, not always. Not always, but a lot of times they’re very preoccupied with themselves. And while they may be trying to minister to the kids, the kids really feel lost and heartbroken during that time, no matter how much the parent is being proactive.

And so there’s a lot of heartbreak that can happen for middle schoolers. And when you are raising a child to be biblical and you’re raising them to have compassionate hearts and to bear one another’s burdens, and they have a friend who’s going through this with their parents, they may be heartbroken for their friends also, which there’s so much learning that can take place, but you need to be the listening ear that is hearing what your kid is like learning and trying to figure out in their brain while they’re walking through that with a friend. I also think that it’s not too far of a stretch to also acknowledge that a lot of times parents during this season of life when their kids are 10 to 14 years old. The parents are in the thirties and for early forties, and that is the time in their career where they are too focused on their their climbing, their ladders, their building, their business. And a lot of them get so preoccupied with their own life that their children are not actually put into as much. And so I have to bring up these two huge things that happen a lot of times when kids are this age because we need to be aware of if our like I said before, if this is not the reality of your middle schooler, praise Jesus. But the truth is, is a lot of their friends. This is their reality. And so we need to be proactive in stepping in the gap and trying to minister and be the be the hands and feet of Jesus to these kids as much as we can as well.

Absolutely. Obviously, peer pressure is a deal and you got to manage that. Understand that as much as possible, which is important. You know, one of the things that’s really important your children understand in the Bible is the armour of God and really doing that. And I would just encourage you to maybe do a study on that yourself. It’s Ephesians six verse starting in verse ten through 13 and even beyond that. So I would look at that with your kids and teach them after you’ve studied it a little bit, and then that could be something that you’re repeating over and over again periodically studying with your family because it never gets old. It’s something that we’re supposed to pray into to really hold true. So it says, finally, be strong in the Lord and the strength of his might put on the whole armor of God that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil and the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God that you may be able to withstand in the evil day. And having done all to stand firm, that’s why I wear my stand firm hat, stand there for having fastened on the belt of truth and having put on the breastplate of righteousness and as shoes for your feet.

Having put on the readiness given by the Gospel of peace in all circumstances, take up the shield of faith with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one. Those are going to come through peer pressure. There’s going to come through all kinds of things, right, and take up the helmet of salvation and the Sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints. So the Sword of the Spirit, I just want to hit on that for a second. Do they know how to wield their sword? Well, they should start being capable in understanding the Bible, reading the Bible, knowing where passages are by the time they’re in their middle school years. And if you’re feeling behind on that, dive into that because that is the sword of the spirit, what does that mean? Well, there is a spiritual battle for the hearts of your children. The enemy wants your hearts, the hearts of your children. And he’s using culture, media, the propaganda machine, social media, all of these things, technology to get to the hearts of children.

And it’s interesting that there’s that attack from the enemy, because the truth is, is even even the enemy knows that every human has a deep desire to be known. And so he’s a counterfeit and he creates this fake. It’s really an illusion. He creates an illusion of feeling known to your children. And it’s important that we understand that this attack is on our children and that there is an element of fakeness or not full realness in things like social media and that our kids don’t get addicted to it. We’re not going to dive deep into social media in this podcast because that could literally be its own teaching all by itself. And we do cover that in depth in the Parenting Mentor program. But you guys, the truth is, is that our children desire to be known just as much as you do. I’m sure that you’ve experienced loneliness at times. I know that I have. I know Isaac has where we’ve gone. Well, this is like a real thing. And if we’re feeling this way, then our kids are probably having times when they feel that way, too, because they’re human. And so we need to understand that in the midst of this season, in a person’s life, in the middle school years, when they’re going through all the things that we listed. Right, the reality of trying to figure out what their identity is, what they believe, their insecurities, their body changing, feeling ignored by parents. Maybe there’s a crisis or a trauma happening in a family. Like all these things that they’re processing, they may not feel known. And so we as parents have to be proactive in having that listening ear. And I would say if there’s one practical tip that we could give you so that your kids do feel known is that you would take the quality. Time that’s necessary and invest in that relationship and just ask them how they’re doing and then listen.

And it takes quality time. And sometimes it takes quantity time, too, because sometimes it takes a long enough time for them to feel comfortable talking to you about the real issues in their hearts. I find quality time can get to the heart if you already have momentum, if you already have that relationship where they are freely offering up vulnerable information and talking about deep things with you. If you already have that muscle going, you can get it done in quality time. But if you don’t, quantity time is needed because it might take a whole 3 hours of doing a project together to get that one question them to ask that one question, or for you to have a discussion about something that prompts them to feel safe and ask you a question as something you didn’t know they were dealing with or things like that. So I just think that we have to be cognizant of that. Are you are you a safe person to talk about hard things with? Are you is the relationship and built where they’re comfortable and used to doing that with you? And it doesn’t automatically happen. Just because you have the title parent doesn’t mean they’re comfortable with you in that way and that it takes real vulnerability. And everybody obviously, if somebody doesn’t feel known and they’re insecure and they’re lacking strong identity or and they’re confused about something and these kinds of things. You know, it takes a lot for them to come through and actually expose and be vulnerable.

About and actually share it. Yeah.

So, so it’s a really important that they feel known. We all want to feel known. And I think one of the ways you can help them feel known is acknowledging their strengths in front of other people and especially older. Like if it’s it’s one of my sons acknowledging something really cool they did in front of men they respect and connecting different aged men with your child.

Well in the same as for sure. I mean, yeah, you just experienced it with men because you’re usually talking to them. Same thing, you know, But it’s exactly the same. I remember when one of our daughters wanted to start coming to the women’s meetings at church, and B, she, like, specifically wanted to be viewed as a woman. Do you remember this? We were on our road trip and it was just big. It was a conversation I had with her and and and we just but it was spurred on from the question of like, here we were on this three month RV trip, and Isaac asked this brilliant question to all the kids.

You’re that brilliant.

It was brilliant. He said, How do you want to reenter community? You ask them, how do you want to re-enter community? And that spurred on one of our daughters who was at the time like 12 into like, I really want the women in our community to see me more as a woman and less as a child. And it was really it was perfect timing, actually. And she was at this age category where she but she had an old soul because she had been disabled by her mom and spent a lot of time with her mom and her big sister. And so she she has this she knew what she believed. She had strong convictions, actually, I would say even stronger than some of the young moms that were in our church. And we’re going to the women’s meetings. Right. And so there was this element of like, yeah, you should be going that would be the next most natural step. And so coming home, I had to initiate and help with that process of like going to the women, making sure they would be comfortable still sharing with her sitting there. And it was so transformative for her to be able to start doing that and just, you know, rubbing up against some older women.

More so age segregation is a detriment, right? There should be. Now, obviously, our process on that just side note is a womanhood ceremony or a manhood ceremony. Yeah. You know, some of the people perhaps from church are there and then they’re accepted more because, you know, you’ve acknowledged them and done this this effort in in there worthy of it. Like they’ve shown they’ve demonstrated the ability to keep things confidential, the ability to speak coherently, look people in the eyes and understand some spiritual truths.

So understand discretion, like I was talking about and confidentiality. Because if you’re taking a 12 year old or a 13 year old or 14 year old to a woman’s Bible study where people are sharing about their marriage or thing parenting and things like that, they need to be able to have the maturity to not gossip or share with their other kids. Right. And so there has to be a trust that’s there, which comes, by the way, that you raise them. So that’s a whole nother big topic. But I think that it’s important for us to touch on in this section because this is one way you pursue your child’s hearts, is to understand that kids just like you always wanted to be in the next season of life. Guess what? Your kids want to be viewed as big too. And so this age category does desire. They desire to be viewed as bigger. Do they want responsibility and privilege? And they want they actually can I say that our word, they want respect.

They do.

And the best way to get respect from a child is to start out by modeling it, by having respect for the intrinsic value that they have as being a human, just.

Like so important. I’ll make sure everybody got this is that you as a parent need to give respect before it feels like they’re worthy of it. Even because people rise to the level of respect leaders give to them. This is true in work world and it’s true in parenting is if you want people to be respectful, give them respect. Even though maybe they haven’t shown everything a normal person would think would need to get that respect right. It’s no, you’re you’re you’re demonstrating. You’re projecting a confidence in them that they rise up to. And so if you’re waiting for them to rise, you’re putting it all on their shoulders. But if instead you’re giving them something to rise to without pressure, naturally, then they’re going to naturally over time, rise up to that. And that’s really important.

But I think too, there’s this element of wanting to teach our kids while we’re in the process of trying to get to know them better so that they feel loved, so that they feel known. We need to be raising our children up and reminding them over and over again that God knows them. Right? And so because God knows them, we we as parents know this truth that God knows us, the Bible says. So, but because we’re image bearers, like we talked about more in depth in the very last podcast, right? We need to take that on and go, okay, so because God knows them, we need to purposefully know our child and we can’t just assume that we know our kids because we gave birth to them. It’s understanding that humans grow and change and they learn things. And so if you’re giving your child that room to grow, then you’re going to be constantly wanting to continue to know them, right? You’re going to keep pursuing them, understanding that they do grow, they do change, they change their mind, they change their opinion. They hopefully they’re grounded in their beliefs that you have been discipling them in. But the truth is, is you need to know them, because if you don’t, you can’t just assume that you agree on all the same things, even regarding your beliefs that would be very detrimental to your future relationships, actually.

Hey, in Psalms 139, one through four, it says, Oh Lord, you have searched me and known me. You know, when I sit down and when I rise up, you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path in my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways, even before a word is on my tongue. Behold. Oh, Lord, you know it all together.

See, it’s not.

A loving God.

It’s those kinds of verses, though, that show us how much God knows us. Yeah. And we need to be memorizing those scriptures with our kids and reminding them of that because kids do struggle so much with feeling known. Yeah. So if we remind them of the truth when they’re starting to believe a lie that they’re not known, we have to remind them of the truth which is found in God’s Word, like Psalm 139.

Go to be courageous ministry dot org to get the Scriptures and all the notes and stuff.

So we just want to we want to talk to you guys about this concept of family dynamics and how it affects the middle school age. Because if we’re tending to our middle schoolers hearts, part of tending to their hearts is also training the rest of the family. That impacts the family culture. And we want to purposefully set the family culture so that our children can thrive during this season of their life and be strong, confident, courageous kids. Right. Because that’s the whole point of this ministry, right? Yeah. So one of the things that we have been feeling called to with our children and we want to encourage you guys in and you can be doing all the things right that we just talked about. But if you don’t have this piece also intact, it could actually dismember every one of your other previous efforts. The family dynamics is so incredibly important because sibling relationships are important, parent to child relationships are important. So we have some tips here that we wanted to just share with you guys, because, you know, middle schoolers, when they’re in that like unconfident figuring out who they are stage, they’re kind of fragile. I’m just going to say it. They’re kind of fragile. So if an older sibling was to say something that was insensitive to them, it could literally break them. Or if a younger sibling was to blurt out something insensitively in front of their friends, it could also break them.

What if, for example, an older sibling said, You’re so annoying, you’re such an annoying person or something like that over and over and over again? What would that middle schooler start to believe about themselves? Mm hmm. I am annoying. I should not open my mouth. What if they’re a relational, more relational, outspoken person? You’ll actually warp that child into not verbalizing things, which leads to sadness no matter what their personality is. We like to be communicating. It might make him really second guess when and ever to communicate. And they might become sad and and not as talkative as they used to. So just something like that could literally warp them away from who God made them to be. So it’s super important though. We’re not using words like annoying.

Yeah, it’s interesting. That reminds me of Proverbs 1821. It says Death and life are in the power of the tongue and those who love it will eat its fruits. And so both death and life, we need to teach all of our children this because that impacts these. The kids like it impacts one another and they start to view themselves a certain way. So if someone is sarcastically making fun of a sibling, right, like because they found out that they have a crush on someone, let’s just say that or they because they have acne or any of the things that we went over before, any of their potential insecurities that they have in this season. If an older or a younger sibling starts making fun of them, it could literally forever hurt that relationship. Also, it’s not the kind of relationship that you want your children to have with one another. Now God can heal because that’s the whole point of grace and forgiveness, right? But you have to lead them in that. You have to correct the one that’s in the wrong. You need to tenderly go and build up the one that has been completely put. And so we have band words. Isaac went over a couple of them. Like Annoying was one of them. That’s meaning when I say banned words, meaning they’re banned from our home. They’re not allowed in our home. We don’t talk like that to one another because it is something that can literally be the thing that a child will attach to their identity and they’ll forever think that they’re annoying and then maybe they never exert themselves and speak out in a crowd. Maybe they don’t live to their full potential of being a leader because they were told by their older sibling over and over again, Oh, you’re annoying or that’s stupid. Or, you know, these different things that people can say to one.

Another about, like get to the point or shut up or.

Yeah, words like this. These are all banned words in the Toppin family. What are the banned words in your family? Have you created a culture to where your children like if I was to come over to your home and go, so what are the banned words in your family? I can’t is actually one of the banned words.

And our worst word. You can ask for help, but you can’t say I can’t. You can say I need help. Yes, I’m having difficulty. This is too difficult for me, I think. Could you help me? Yes, but I can’t. As so, defeating it is.

And so anyway, what are you guys need to develop? Like what are your banned words? And remember to teach your your the scriptures like Proverbs 1821 to your children. Another thing that I think of regarding it’s not really banned words, but just how you use your mouth towards one another. Sarcasm. This could actually be an entire teaching as well as we’re not going to dive super into it. But I think to myself, like how much that puts people down. You used to say when you were doing business, See, Isaac and I used to work together, so he had all these like awesome things that he would say to create the culture within our business. And one of them was there’s a little bit of truth to everything someone says. So if someone’s being sarcastic and they’re only joking, the reality is, is the person that they’re putting down in that statement doesn’t feel good. They don’t feel better about themselves. Actually. They instead would probably walk away thinking, Do they actually think that about me? And I just want to share a scripture with you that I literally I wish I would have known this years ago. It’s in Proverbs chapter 26, verse 18 and 19 says, Like a madman who throws fire bans, arrows and death woe. He is the man who deceives his neighbour and says, I’m only joking. Yes, the Bible actually says this. So we don’t allow our kids to use sarcasm and then make up for it by going, Oh, I’m only joking. That’s not okay. It says like a madman who throws firebrands and arrows and death is the man who deceives his neighbour and says, I’m only joking, That’s not okay.

Not okay. Another thing is we have to remind our older siblings to let the younger ones mature, let them grow, recognize that they’re not the same person they were just six months ago. A lot of times when familiarity breeds contempt, right? So as you’re in the same family, the older sibling might just be thinking about some of the challenges they remember about their younger sibling and thinking that’s still part of their reality when this child has actually grown. But that belief in the older sibling holding on to those older things is stifling it.

It’s holding them back, actually. Like, think about it. If you ever had within a family, if you have the dynamics where you have an older kid babysitting. Right. And they have to deal with a child that’s maybe younger whining or complaining or grumbling, for example, and their head, they start to think they’re a whiner or I don’t like asking them for help because they’re just going to have a bad attitude and I don’t want to deal with it. It’s the same thing that goes through parents heads and it’s why they don’t actually raise up kids to be like productive contributors to the family, right? People will just do it instead of taking time to slow down and teach a child something. Right. Well, big kids do this with their younger siblings, too, and we need to make sure they don’t because it actually will help them to be better parents when they are parents. But realizing that these thoughts about who they were when they were younger and maybe what some of their character traits were have actually grown and they’re not the same as they were. And you have to lead even your older kids view of their younger siblings by pointing that out. I’ve had to have those conversations. Yeah. So as I.

Say, and you got to cultivate good sibling relationships. We’ve done a whole episode on this, so you go find that. But in Ephesians five four it says, Let there be no filthy ness or foolish talk nor crude joking which are out of place, but instead let there be Thanksgiving.

This is huge, right? Like it’s literally telling us a warning and and it’s commanding. Like this is not good for Christians. This is not something that we have in a Christian home. And then it’s telling you what to have instead. Yeah, I love that because it’s very practical saying what is edifying, what is Thanksgiving? Right? And then I think of Romans 12, too, which talks about not being conformed to the pattern of this world. But have your mind transformed by the renewing of your mind, which is in Christ Jesus, so that you can discern what’s good, what the good and perfect will of God is? This is what we need to be. This is what we want for our middle schoolers, right? We want them to have transformed minds. We want them to be meditating on truth and to not be like the world. And so in this process, we cannot underestimate the value of the family dynamics and the culture that is set, which is set by you.

It is. And one one more tip I wanted to share. Sometimes in the middle school years, we look at sports as being a huge answer to a lot of these things in The point is we want to help our kids succeed and have some anchor points of confidence of achieving things, being good at things. This is true, but if sports is the only way you’re doing that, I really believe that’s limited. I’m all for sports, but I believe if it’s the only way, it is limited. You know, we we need to be equipping our kids to be capable of things to sports is good for lifetime health. But a lot of the sports they won’t play after they’re done with high school actually will play sporadically. But if you’re teaching them how to be capable and some really practical things that also anchor I’m good at this. I think that is even more valuable. And so really helping them succeed at things that could be monetized in the future or some version of it could be to be building confidence so that when they’re a provider or, you know, a young lady that is, you know, not married or helping or helping her family out, they have some things, some skills, some abilities to be able to be resilient in this world from a provision standpoint, I think is so important.

These middle school years, they’re starting to you’re starting to discover what they lean more towards. One you might have seen we’ve been doing some would projects and farming and things like that. One of the things I want to add to our repertoire, I guess is metal working with metal. So welding, cutting, bending I think would be really cool if, you know, we built we created a knife like we had a little. Forge and we’re able to go into this. And you might be asking, well, how do you get into that? Oh, I have no idea. I’ve never done it. But that doesn’t limit me. And I think that’s an important point, is you should be willing to grow and figure out new things because your kids are not you. And if you’re only putting them down your path, it might be limiting their resiliency and capabilities and confidence because they might not be as good at some of the things that you really shined in.

Yeah. No, that’s so good. I was just even thinking about like, there’s so many more things that we could talk about. We should probably do more podcasts on the middle school years for sure. Let us know if this has been good for you and if you’re interested in it. We love hearing feedback, but I even just think about the need to have conversations with our kids about their dreams. Yeah. And reminding them this is as far as their identity goes. A long time ago I wrote a couple podcasts. One was Every kid needs to be known and it was about listening. And so if you want more information on that, because we only touched on that for a little bit, we’ll put the link to the blog post in the Courageous Parenting podcast blog post as well. But there’s also this desire that the kids don’t even know they have. Can I just say that kids don’t know that they have these needs. They may not be able to verbalize. I don’t feel known by you, but that is a need that they have they may not be able to verbalize. I don’t know what my purpose in life is, but that is a desire that all humans have. And at this age, if you’re able to verbally give them a concrete definition of what their purpose in life is right now, that can bring so much hope and mission and vision to this age category. And it’s super, super encouraging. And so maybe we’ll talk about that in the future. But we are so glad that you joined us today. Thank you so much. We appreciate you. Give us some ratings on iTunes, send us an email, give us more ideas of things that would be relevant. We love hearing from you.

Thanks for.

Joining us. See you next time. Hey, thanks for listening to this episode. For more resources, go to courageous parenting and courageous mom dot com for free online workshops, blog posts and best selling courses. Also, we wanted to quickly tell you about our six week online parenting mentor program. Isaac and I created a powerful biblical curriculum. Here’s how it works. Each week we release a video with a downloadable parenting packet to make it easy for you to incorporate those teachings directly into your parenting.

This is an incredible self-paced program where we cover everything from obedience training to overcoming mistakes most Christians are making. But more than that, it’s a supportive community. You’ll have access to our private online group, live Webcasts and the courageous parenting text message line where Angie and I can send you weekly encouragement straight to your phone.

If you’re interested in joining our next online parenting mentor program, secure your spot now at CourageousParenting.com

All of us can inadvertently create a performance-based culture in our homes. It could be what contributes to so many children in their adult years feeling that their parents and even Christians are hypocritical. God isn’t performance-based when it comes to loving us. We have to make sure our children don’t feel that our love towards them is performance-based. It could alter how they view their relationship with the Lord.

Main Points From This Episode:

• The pursuit of perfection is the enemy of real connection
• The right balance prevents us from falling into the over-correction and ignoring the issues of ditches in the road.
• Performance-based culture could make your children feel like they will never measure up; never be enough to receive your love.
• Never compare your kids to their siblings or other children.
• People yearn for real connection. Don’t let perfectionism hurt your connection with your children.
• Listen to receive the courageous parenting challenge

Scripture From This Episode:

Jeremiah 31:2-3 – “Thus says the Lord: “The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness; when Israel sought for rest, the Lord appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.”

Romans 5:6-8 – “For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

Genesis 1:27 – “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”

1 John 4:11 – “Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.”

1 John 4:18 – “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love”

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 – “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.”

If The Spirit Prompts You to Financially Support (We are a for-profit, for social good organization.)

Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

Welcome to Courageous Parenting Podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Hi, I’m Angie from Courageous Mom.

And I’m Isaac from Resolute Man.

We’ve been married for 21 years and have seen the fruit from raising our eight kids biblically. Based on the raw truth found in the Bible.

We can no longer let the culture win the hearts of children. Too many children from Christian families are walking away from their faith by age 18. And it doesn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t be this way. Join us as we start an important conversation about effective parenting and the following. Hey, welcome back to the podcast. Hey, guys, so glad you’re here today. We’re talking about don’t be a performance driven parent. This is very important. It’s important for us. We just preparing this was introspective for us.

Totally. I mean, it usually is where we talk about like, hold on a second, do we need to go and just catch up with that kid and make sure and and like, oh, we should ask these questions.

So we’re going to give you the challenge at the end that we ourselves are going to do with our own families.

It’ll be called the Courageous Parenting Challenge. So you’ve got to stay to the end to get those questions that we’re going to recommend you ask your kids.

So we’re going to dive in. We’re going to talk about the problems with this. We’re going to talk about how there is no perfect family and parents and so forth. And some of the issues in that, one of which which is this relates to this episode, which is why so many children that launch from Christian homes fall away from the faith and use the word hypocritical, hypocritical parents, hypocritical Christians, hypocritical church and these kinds of issues we definitely want to avoid in this episode has to do with that. And then finally, we’ll talk about starving for real, how everybody is, and we’ll give some practical tips and then the challenge. So, hey, we’re so glad to hear.

Hey, guys. You know, and on that note, thanks for being with us. For a while now, we were just reflecting on how literally in weeks it’s going to be our four year anniversary for this podcast.

So, I mean, every single week through multiple COVID sicknesses, through pregnancies, miscarriages.

Loss, yeah.

Through moving through everything, no matter what.

Every week married.

We make sure this gets out and sometimes it’s easier and sometimes it’s really hard. And but praise the Lord that he has allowed this to happen every week. And I think consistency is important. There’s been a couple of times where the episode was late getting out on the same day we made the day, but for whatever reasons and we get messages, we say, you know, is it coming out or is my player broken? Everything okay over there? And I’m like, Whoa.

My players are broken.

Our voices don’t work. I love that, though. It’s like that, you know, it’s like you’re you know, you’re a show you may watch. And what if it didn’t come out when it was supposed to? You know, it’s like we take it that seriously. You know, it’s got to come out on time every week.

Yeah, well, I would say you’re better at that than I am, for sure.

He’s Mr. Steadfast in that consistency, for sure.

I know when we’re postpartum, letting you heal. I think I did four episodes in a row myself.

Yes, you did. That was quite the dedication, because we had we had batch recorded a couple at first, but then so you had a couple of weeks.

Off, like now we’re going for it.

Yeah, that was impressive. That was very impressive. Well, so.

I didn’t say it to be.

Impressive. No, no, Just we.

The Lord’s good and given us things to keep talking.

About, you know, and that. Can I just say that, that the fact that we’ve been able to come up with topics, that’s not us, you guys, that’s you guys. That’s the body of Christ giving us ideas, messaging us, emailing us questions. We are so thankful that you are transparent and real with us. We know that that is a gift and that you trust us with that and it helps us to help you and it helps us to help other people. And so if you’re sitting right now listening and you’ve got a question in your head or you’re struggling through something and you’re thinking, I must be the only one that’s alive from the enemy, would you please reach out to us and be willing to share that? Maybe it’ll be something that we are prompted to teach on. I know that that’s super helpful, but hey, let’s let’s talk about today’s topic a little bit. Okay. So we just this topic, don’t be a performance driven parent, okay? This concept of performance based acceptance of ourselves is something that Christians sometimes struggle with in their own personal identity. And I think that as parents, we need to that are purposefully and intentionally raising children up in the Lord as parents who want to disciple their children to Jesus. We need to recognize that how we love our kids and how we parent them can actually either be something that puts in their mind this temptation to struggle with perfectionism and maybe even legalism, or it can help them to break free from that temptation. Because I really do believe it’s sin to be legalistic, performance based. I mean, the Bible talks about how there’s nothing we can do to earn our way to God or to salvation or eternal life. It was Jesus Christ and what He did alone on the cross, which we’re going to read about that in a second here in Scripture.

But could we believe that but be projecting something different to our children?

Yes, that’s the question. Yeah. And so, yeah, we’re going to ask you guys some hard questions today. Because I think it’s always good to be reflective. Don’t we want to be humble as parents? I know that sometimes it can be a hard thing to talk about something that maybe we’re even struggling with. If you’re a parent and and you also are struggling in your walk with God and maybe you don’t realize that you also were raised in a way where you were constantly wanting acceptance from your parents, wanting them to say good job and pat you on the back and you never were able to be good enough. Did you ever feel that way? And if you struggled with that, I just want to encourage you that God, the Father in Heaven does not parent that way. He doesn’t love you that way.

And a little tip forgive your parents because until you forgive your own parents, it’s going to be very hard to be that parent you really desire to be from a loving and acceptance perspective. And so that’s so important. Hey, I just wanted to thank you guys for being part of the 10 Million Legacies movement. There’s a lot going on. Be courageous Ministry dot org is where you can find everything. It’s your gateway to the app and information about the app and why. That’s one of the most powerful growing biblical communities out there. Full social media platform to connect with others in amazing content. The Courageous Coffee. Look at the video of why we’re doing this. We’re part of the parallel economy and we’re for profit for social good organization to preserve freedom of speech, to be able to continue to say biblical things without repercussions as we go down into the future here. And so we just feel conviction. It’s so important. And the coffee is an upgrade. People are loving it and it supports the ministry so everything can be found there. You can find show notes, free resources as well, and our shops, of course, with the hats and different things.

You know, I love that you were talking about the parallel economy. Isaac and I created a short little video on the website. Would you watch that video? I think it’s like three or 4 minutes. And it really we’re sharing our heart and our passion. As for why, I mean, obviously, if you’ve been watching the podcast for for almost four years, like I said, we’re about to hit our four year anniversary. We always have coffee in our mugs and people will oftentimes they’ll see them and be like, Hey, where’d you get your mug? And different things like that? And so it just made sense that we would do coffee because we do love coffee, but you guys, it’s actually really special because there are a lot of companies out there that don’t They don’t love you, actually, they hate you. Can I just say that? And we’ve been encouraging people, if you’ve been listening to the podcast, to try to come up with new entrepreneurial efforts that are going to be options for Christians and for conservatives so that they can actually like get good products but from people that they want to support. And so that’s what we’re trying to live what we preach here.

So not complaining, but providing solutions. And those solutions also help the ministry. And, you know, sometimes you support things and you get an inferior product. We’re not going to be that. We 100% are always going to put out something that’s high quality and that’s what people are experiencing so far. So praise the Lord on that. Let’s dive into this. You know, it is so important. Let’s just say this, that children understand that we love them no matter what, no matter what.

No matter what they do or don’t do. Because isn’t that how God loves us? In Romans chapter five, verse six and eight, says, For while we were still weak at the right time, Christ died for the ungodly, for one will scarcely die. For a righteous person, though perhaps for a good one would dare to even die. But God showed his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. That is remarkable, that kind of love. Now you’re not enemies with your children. Or at least I hope you’re not. And I’m sure that you would lay down your life for your kids. I know I would. I know. I feel like I’ve had to lay down my life even just to birth them in some regards. But do your kids know that you Would you love them that much? Do your kids know that God loves them that much? And the reason why this is an important question is because, you know, we’ve mentioned a few times that as parents, we are image bearers to our children of God. I’m going to share we’ll share a scripture with you about that here in just a second. But but truthfully, when we love our kids the way as best as we can, the way God loves, I mean, obviously we can’t fully because we’re not God, but when God abides in us, we’re able to love them more the way God loves them. Right? And we need to understand that we have a responsibility, a jurisdiction, a duty as Christians, God calls us to love one another the way that He loved us.

And right here in Genesis 127, in this Bible, the very first page in the Bible. So God created man in his own image. In the image of God, he created him male and female. He created them.

I love that because everyone is an image bearer of God. And so this concept is an important thing to also teach our children. But I think for us on this topic, this is more something that we tuck away as a parent going, Wow, I’m an image bearer of God to my kids. How I love my kids helps them to understand God’s love. And then we need to go. So am I showing them God’s love as best as possible, or am I throwing in some flesh along with that where, you know, maybe they’re they’re perceiving and it may not be that we’re intentionally doing that. I have to say that Isaac had this saying when he was in the business world, and I started I adopted it for my parenting as a stay at home mom, which is perception is more important than reality. And I think that what that what that meant to me was so there is a reality like on this topic, there’s a reality that I know in my head and in my heart about how much I love my child. And that’s all well and good. But if I don’t express that and verbalize that and communicate that and when I say communicate, I’m not just talking about verbalizing. That’s why I use the word verbalize and communicate. Because you communicate love in many different ways. But if I don’t communicate, the love that I know is inside me, my child is not going to know that unless I communicate it somehow. Whether that’s verbally through the different ways that each person are feel most valued and loved, that’s important to know our child.

But if we are doing something that’s completely the opposite, we’re going to potentially send the wrong message to our children, which is what we’re talking about today, which is if perfection is more important to you and it’s become an idol in your own heart, as a parent, there’s going to be an element of control. Control of child’s behaviour, for example, could become overtly demanding and and it could send a message to children that you care more about them being perfect in their behavior than you do love them. Now, they may not be able to verbalize it, but that’s the message that’s being perceived over a long period of time. And that’s why this is such an important topic. Because if they believe that that’s how you love them and you are an image bearer, that is a truth. That’s not something that you sign up for. It’s something that that is has been created in you from the time God created you. It’s just a truth. It’s a spiritual phenomenon that is no one can escape. We are image bearers. So when we are acting in a certain way or we’re portraying something in a certain way, it does reflect on God. And I know your heart is probably like my heart, and I would never want my children to view God harshly or incorrectly, thinking that He expects them to be perfect when he just loves them because of who they are.

And we’re not saying don’t correct your kids or anything like that. There’s a balance to this, right? It’s just making sure that your children know that you love them no matter what. And in fact that you have boundaries and you do have expectations also can and should show love if it’s done from a loving place. But what happens sometimes is we have in our minds of how things should be all the time. And sometimes we have in our minds how things should be when we’re with other people or we’re in a different place and we actually sometimes change how we are with different people, or when the whole family is, let’s say, a church or out in public or or something like that, it can be a very performance driven thing. And so we just want to warn you on that we should care about glorifying God. Yeah. And so children are blessing and of course, prep your kids before going in places and things like that.

Then let’s show people or our blessing.

Or is it a fear of how you look that’s driving you and it’s performance driven and so it’s inauthentic to what actually is happening at home. And so it’s like two different families. It’s like you’re at home and then you go out and you’re putting on all the niceties, a show and what that can do. That’s a very performance driven.

Culture.

Culture in your family. And what will happen is they will get so good at that. You’re literally raising them to.

Put on their asses.

An act.

Yeah, I never even thought of that. That’s such a good statement. You are literally training them how to be fake. You’re training them how to be Pharisees to only be good in public, but not in real life.

Right now. We all know, you know, when you’re just your family, there are some different dynamics, right? We’re our guards are down a little bit more perhaps, and you’re more.

Comfortable.

More comfortable each other. And you’ve heard us say familiarity can breed contempt, meaning the more familiar with people. The sometimes the not so good side of us can come out sometimes. Right. But what we’re saying is nobody’s perfect of this. But what are you showing your children and how are you prepping them for things and how are you treating them differently when they’re home versus when we’re out and those kinds of things. And there really shouldn’t be a difference. We should.

Be the.

Same. We should be the same. There should be integrity with how we are.

You know? And on that topic, can I say, if you’re doing your job well now, I didn’t say perfect. I said, Well, okay, but you’re being intentional. You’re being as consistent as you can be. You’re discipling your kids. You’re being an intentional parent all the time because that’s part of your character and that’s truly who you are in your being. You’re not having to strive for something. It’s just who you are because God is residing in you. That’s. Way less work. I just have to say this way, less work when you’re when you have when you’re used to worshiping God in the things and you have so much of God’s word written on your heart that you’re doing the dishes and maybe you’re having a bad attitude and you recall scripture, or you preach to yourself, have joy in this moment, because I want to be a good example to my kids. And also I want to do it for the Lord, like, you know that. And so then all of a sudden you’re humming while you’re doing dishes and then guess what? You see your 12 year old humming Ethan is always humming when he’s doing dishes.

And I just I like that to me brings me so much joy because I used to hate dishes and I used to do it grumbling and complaining when I had like one little kid at home because I was like my mom and mama, you know? And that was something that I was convicted on as a young mom. And now I look at how the fruit has completely changed in our family with like, you know, and I just go, praise God and so have patience with yourself also and understand that God doesn’t love you more or less based upon your attitude when you’re doing dishes. But we should want to be have teachable hearts and we should want to be grown in spiritual maturity and we should want to be glorifying God and being more like him, right. Which would be having more fruitful attitudes. And when you’re doing that daily work in your home and then you go out into public like Isaac’s talking about, it’s less difficult because you’re actually the same in the home as you are in public.

And you’re going to do your intentionality, you’re going to take your kids more places, and there’s all kinds of fruitful things. So one of the problems as we’re talking to our problems here is you may become less involved if you’re making it difficult by having to be different in influencing your kids, to be different all the time.

And then maybe you’re going back into your old pattern of ways when you’re at home, where maybe I’m just going to I’m not saying this as you. I’m just saying this could be maybe you’re more of a lazy parent or a lazy homemaker or you’re not as intentional. And then you go out and you try to portray that you are and your kids are like chaotic and you’re embarrassed by that. Well, if if that is the I’m this is like a scenario. And if that is your reality, like, you know what, praise God that there is a spotlight on that right now because we need to take a good, humble look at that and go, Lord Jesus, I repent. And would you help me to be more focused on my home? And would you help me to to know how to train my children biblically so that they so I really actually I don’t have to tell myself to delight in them because I just.

Do I want to take a moment and give you something for free if you haven’t got it already. Is the date night one sheet? It is a beautiful document you can download that will have some key questions on it for your date night to just get in alignment about what’s most important for your family. No matter what time of year, it’s always important to recalibrate. You can get that by going to parenting dot com and subscribing to our mailing list. Also, you can get all of our show notes and everything at courageous parenting dot com. And I also just want to share real quick about the parenting Mentor program. So many families are being transformed by going through this. It’s the six week self paced program with live engagement from us and even direct interaction. So if you want to join us, here’s a little bit more about it. You can find out more at courageous parenting dot com.

Steve and I realized that we were getting too comfortable with the world’s vision of how to raise our children. But Angie and Isaac have done in creating this is literally phenomenal. This program provided awesome scripture based teachings and just some really great practical applications. This class has just really rocked my world. It has given me a vision for not just the different things that we might focus on as parents who are trying to raise our kids biblically, like how our kids are behaving or what we’re doing with discipline, but also the things of the heart. We now have a game plan to how we want to raise our children. We have so many answers to the questions that have been in our mind. It’s not just these hypothetical situations or it’s not just this. Here’s what I think you should do. It’s let me show you where in scripture this is. Do your legacy a favor and yourself a favor and just do it. One of the best things that we’ve done this year, one of the best investments we’ve made this year, and I could not recommend it more. We’re no longer fearing dark days ahead, but we’re so excited to raise lights to be leaders for the next generation.

And as your kids get older, one of the problems is if they see you acting different with different friends, let’s say you have a more conservative friend than you have a more liberal friend, and you’re acting different in those two different scenarios. That’s a big problem. They are watching.

They’re learning how to be a chameleon.

You don’t want to be hypocritical. You want to be the same solid throughout. So it’s really, really important if you stand for a. One place and not another place. At least talk to your kids about it. If there’s a good reason. But that’s a problem. Another problem is if we’re performance driven, we can tend to have rose tinted glasses on, which, you know, you hear us talk about a lot. But that’s just looking at things better than the reality in our children. And so let’s just be careful about that as well.

You know, before we dive into more of the problems, there’s a verse in Jeremiah 31 I just wanted to share. It says, at that time, declares the Lord. So he’s declaring something. So verse two, it says, Thus says the Lord, the people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness. Wow. So are we offering grace to our children when they’re struggling? When Israel sought for rest, the Lord appeared to him from far away. Here’s the verse. Ready? I have loved you with an everlasting love. Therefore, I have continued my faithfulness to you and everlasting love. And everlasting, unconditional love is what God offers. And so when our kids screw up in the little things, for example, right? Do we handle it and then do we confront the issue and then also anchor strongly with our children this profound, everlasting love for them? Like, do they know that what they did has nothing to do with how you view their identity and it doesn’t change your love for them? I think that that really is the core question that we all need to be asking is like, so when something happens and our kids lose emotional self control and we’re trying to help them to have to to get out of that right, to have self control, to grow and being calm and and to be able to talk about it when we’re dealing with a situation like that with a toddler. Does the toddler hear from us? I love you. Do they know that the reason why you are helping them to understand that the way they’re acting is wrong is because you love them? They should know that. They should know that you love them, because if they don’t know that, then it can lead to other issues that we’re going to talk about in a minute.

And really, there’s we’re looking for balance here. There’s really two dishes on either side of the road. We all want to be going down, I think you’ll agree, which is one ditch is completely overreacting and the other dish is completely ignoring the issues to keep the peace, a fake peace. Right. If you listen to the last episode. So it’s really important that we’re going down the middle. And if you’re a performance driven, you’re probably going to go into one of those ditches.

Yeah, it’s interesting because depending on the parent and depending on how they were parented themselves, I think that could have an impact. Either they just do what was done to them or they recognize what was done to them. So they do the complete extreme opposite. Right, which can happen. But we really want to find the middle road between those two dishes, which is more biblical, right? So we’re not so we are correcting we’re not overcorrecting, right? We’re correcting sin when it happens, not ignoring issues like the other ditch. But it’s it’s one of those things where different kids could actually be a different story. Right? Maybe you feel like you’re correcting one kid more than the other. And so I just want to say, when you’re evaluating yourself, evaluate overall, are you the type of person that is overcorrecting to where your children feel like they have to be perfect? Are you overcorrecting to a degree where your children are scared to actually share any kind of sin and confess anything to you because they’re going to be punished? And this is a really important conversation that we need to have with you guys, because there there is different kinds of fear based parenting. We talk about them in the Parenting Mentor program, which I have to say, we’re not going to be getting into that deeply today. If that’s something that is intriguing to you, please go find out about that and be courageous. Ministry dot org. We’re going to be starting another class here pretty soon, but we need to understand that we do not want to be invoking fear in our children as we parent them to where they don’t feel like we’re a safe place for them to come and confess their sin.

So let me give you a little scenario here. We’ve been doing a little bit of role playing. We’ve shared a couple of stories. If, let’s say, a ten year old comes to you and confesses something that they let’s say they lied about something, right? Maybe you saw something was not taking care of like maybe of an animal and the animal wasn’t taken care of. Right. And you say to the kids who didn’t take care of the animal this morning and that child didn’t take care of them and they just stayed quiet and they didn’t say anything, or maybe they lied. And let’s say a couple hours go by and they come to you and they confess that they lied. When that happens, you’re in a position of do I move forward with punishing this child or do I do I not punish them? Because clearly there’s genuine remorse, because they’re confessing, I would tend to go towards that latter one, because clearly the Holy Spirit has convicted their mind and their heart and their soul, and they’re coming to confess something. And if I punish absolutely, absolutely everything for the sake of it. Now, I mean, if it was something that was like involving someone else, I would say you need to go make it right with them. And that might feel like a consequence, right? Like if they broke someone something and they need restitution and they need to go buy them a new one, right? Like they’re going to have to sacrifice a little bit of money to replace that.

That’s a different kind of scenario. But you’re going to talk to them about doing the right thing and and kind of lead them to the right conclusion themselves to where they’re making the right choice. We’re talking about older kids. My point is, when you are overcorrecting and you punish for absolutely everything, then the kid is going to learn. I’m not going to confess because I’m just going to be punished, even if it was a mistake and not a purposeful sin of like laziness or something. Right. And that is a culture that is something that is a culture factor in your family that as parents, we need to evaluate because we need to nip that in the bud in ourselves and we need to confess that to our kids. And we need to say, I’m so sorry and just you guys know, I want you to know if you confess something to me, I’m not going to always punish like that. Maybe I shouldn’t have. Or you know what I mean? Like, there needs to be some kind of acknowledgement. If you have been doing this wrong and you recognize that you’ve kind of screwed up in this, and maybe there is a performance based, acceptance driven thing happening in your family, maybe you need to have a family meeting and you need to talk to your kids. You need to apologize. For overcorrecting. Right? If you’re in the ditch.

Remember, the Bible says obey your parents and the Lord for this is right. Why are children supposed to obey their parents? Because the Lord wants them to. Because it’s the God loves them and is giving them direction. So it goes well with them in their futures.

Right. And a lot of that is because God created the parents and he knows the relationship between a parent and a child. He knows that unconditional love that is there. And he trusts slash interests us as parents. That goes for you, too. He entrusted you as a parent with your child knowing you would love them, and he knows that you’re not going to ask them to do something outside of loving them. Like if you ask them to do something or you commend them not to do something, it’s because you love them and you want what’s best for them. That’s why he says children obey your parents because they love you.

So we have to be more concerned about their relationship with God in the situation versus how it makes us look, how disrupts our agenda, how I’m personally offended. While those things are also important, they’re not as important as what’s really going on. The heart issue of this and if you’re performance driven, I think the heart issue thing is kind of go out the door and we’re more focused on ourselves and how it’s personally offended. It disrupted our agenda, these kinds of things.

Yeah, I think that the other side of the dish needs to be talked about a little bit to just say ignoring issues. You brought up rose tinted glasses and I think that the first step for a parent who maybe is struggling with this is to just literally remove those, fold them up, put them away, throw them away. This is something that I think people who maybe are wanting a perfect family or, you know, and I’m just going to I’m just going to say I think that people who maybe are not used to being transparent struggle with this right. Where they it’s easy for them to put on a show. Well, it’s not easy when you have kids to put on a show. Praise God, right? Because God doesn’t want us to put on a show. He doesn’t want us to be Pharisees. We know what he said to the Pharisees, right? And we should not want to be raising modern day Pharisees, nor be them ourselves. And so when it comes to ignoring issues, which is the other ditch, when you have the rose tinted glasses on and you so desire perfection, sometimes parents will literally ignore the sin and pretend that it doesn’t exist. So and not deal with it.

Because if they deal with it, then all of a sudden their idea of their perfect family is shattered in their mind. Well, I’m sorry. Shatter it in your mind because it doesn’t exist. And we need to recognize that these are two big ditches, I think, especially within the Christian community. I think that there is something that we can learn from from just watching how children are transparent and real. The younger they are, they just are real and they’re raw with their emotions. I’m not saying we should be having temper tantrums. Don’t misunderstand me. My point is, is they aren’t fake. And so we need to while we need to teach our kids self control, we also need to make sure that we are anchoring with our kids, that it’s important that they feel safe to be real. Right. And when they are struggling with their emotions, they can verbalize that. I even think about yesterday Solomon came to me or he was sitting at the table and he was really struggling and I was talking about nap time because as veterinarians and here’s my six year old, he goes, Mom, I’ve been having a really emotional day and I don’t know why.

Yes, my six year old said emotional day and I don’t know why. Yeah. And I turned around and I said, I’m so proud of you for telling me that. And this is not a consequence of any kind. But I think that maybe you should nap today. What do you think? He’s like, I don’t want a nap. And he got kind of emotional. And I just said, That tells me you really need it, but maybe you’re having a growth spurt and your body just needs to grow, grows one, it’s sleeping. And we had a really good talk about it and he eventually was like, okay, I’ll do quiet time and look at my my books and my Bible, and then I’ll sleep. And he did. He was up there for about an hour and a half. And I but I, but it took a conversation, is what I’m saying. It took time. I had to stop what I was doing. Look at him in the eyes so that he knew I wasn’t mad, made sure that he understood that there was love there, and that I was saying what I was saying because I love him and I want his body to be healthy.

Remember, the pursuit of perfection is the enemy of real. So think about that for a second. The pursuit of perfection is the enemy of what’s real. We should want to walk in righteousness. We should want the culture of our family to improve. We should want to treat each other well, honor Christ, glorified Christ by our family, right. And our marriage and all these things. That’s awesome. But just realize, you know, sometimes that performance driven is really pursuing something and people can feel like they’re walking on eggshells. I wonder sometimes if kids feel that way and we want to create a safe environment, comfortable environment too, for them to live in. And yes, they’re going to be corrected, but in love. And sometimes that performance driven starts comparing. And this is what you never want to do because your kids will never feel like they measure up. If you ever compare your kids, if you say things like, why can’t you just be like those kids in that family? Why can’t you just be like your sibling, your sister or your brother? That is the worst. That is a sign of a performance driven environment that is comparing based on behavior.

And can I also say that when you do that, you just brought something up. When you say, why can’t you be like XYZ kids or whatever? If you want your kids to even have a relationship with those other kids, you just ruined it. You literally just ruined it for your kids to have a relationship with them because now they’re putting them on a pedestal that they are never going to live up to because no one’s perfect and it’s just awkward. Right? And so I think that the comparing game is so dangerous. I even when you were talking about eggshells, it reminds me of something that I share in the Parenting Mentor program about how when I was when we were first married and I was trying to get my I look at it now, I look back 23 years ago, 20 years ago, at trying to get my handle on hospitality. I didn’t grow up in a home that was hospitable, so it wasn’t my first nature. Yes, I tend I’m more of an amber pervert in between extrovert and introvert, Isaac’s introverted, so for us, being hospitable was really, truly just being obedient to God and letting people into our home. But when I look at like, even maybe the first six years of our marriage, when I would get ready for hospitality, I had a perfectionist perspective on what my home needed to look like because I, compared to people I was close to when they had me over and I felt lesser than as a stay at home mom As a homemaker, I felt less than as a parent.

I felt like I was trying to figure this all out for the first time. I didn’t know what I was doing and it was stressful. I made it stressful. I made it feel like walking on eggshells for some of our kids. I remember there were times getting ready for hospitality where some of my kids would be in tears and it and then I would have to apologize, but I would be so mad and they’d be in tears that it would take me a little bit. And then I’d go turn on worship music. My heart would change. It would take me ten or 15 minutes and then I have to apologize right before people came over so that we weren’t putting on fake faces. You guys, it’s not okay to be living that way. If you’ve done it, though, God forgives you and your kids will forgive you and you can change things around like I did. But you, you need to be careful. That’s just one example of what walking on eggshells can look like when you’re trying to look perfect.

It just reminds me of like, communion came to my mind, which is so odd. Right? But it’s true. Now, let’s say you’re all arguing on the way to church. Or maybe just you and your spouse are arguing on the way to church. And then you go in and everybody takes communion at church and you all take communion together. And why would you do that? Because that the Bible says, don’t do that if you’re not right with one another, don’t participate in communion until you’re right. Redeem yourself until you’re right with each other. But why would you do it anyways? Because you don’t want anybody around you to see that there’s anything wrong with your family or there’s anything wrong with you and whispers of why are they not taking communion? It should be a normal thing that there’s a portion of people potentially not taking communion on.

Sunday, haven’t reconciled.

If they haven’t reconciled with people in the body. And I just think that’s really, really important. That’s just an example of maybe there’s some performance driven, so much concern about how we’re viewed and how people view us that we alter what we do so good.

So I want to share with you guys a scripture. And first, John, chapter four, verse 11. It says, Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. That includes our husbands and our kids. I just it’s so easy for us when we read scripture to think of other people outside of our family. But if our first ministry is our family, we need to look there first and get it. Well, their first. No one has ever seen God. If we love one another, God abides in us and His love is perfected in us. So this goes back to what we talked about at the very beginning with. Bearing to that God when we love other people and God abides in us. We are truly an image bearer of him because he’s abiding in us. Right? And so recognizing the power of that and then skip down to verse 18 and 19 with me, it says, There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. We’re talking about loving your kids the way God loves you, unconditional, which is perfect, and it’s not going to evoke fear. And then the last part says For fear has to do with punishment. And whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us. So, you know, talking to your kids, explain this to them. Share these verses. Share first, John. Chapter four, verses 1118 and 19 shared Genesis 127, Share Romans five six through eight. So our kids understand that, like, we’re trying hard to love here, but we’re human.

And we don’t want them to have the wrong view of God. So we talked about in the beginning how we’re all image bearers of God. He created us right in his image. And so you are the God authorized, most important influencers in your children’s life. Leaders in your children’s life. You are parent parents, right? So important. So which of which image bearer then is going to be most important to. Behave at least as closely as we can to and how God would write. None of us are going to be God’s perfect, right? We’re not going to be perfect. But we need to try and love as God would love our children so they get a good perspective, a right perspective of God’s love, even though we’re never going to be gods. That’s not what I’m saying. But it is important to look at that.

Yeah, So, you know, the thing that’s super important, we want to talk here as we’re getting towards the end of the podcast today, talk about how kids are starving for real. You hear this all the time. Young people especially. We talked about how kids by age 18 are falling away from the faith and they’re using words like hypocritical, calling the parents hypocritical, calling Christians or the church or specific people in the church hypocrites. This is an important thing that while our kids are responsible for their own relationship with God and on the judgment day, they are going to have to answer for their relationship with God and they don’t get to blame shift and go, Oh, I’m not a believer in you, Jesus, because my mom was a hypocrite or my grandpa or the pastor or whatever. That doesn’t work. That blame shifting. Jesus sees right through that. They need to understand that they’re going to have to answer for their relationship with God about who God is and denying him. That’s something that we need to make sure that our kids actually understand that as they’re growing up. And I think if more parents had that conversation with their children, there’d be a lot less people walking away from the faith if they understood they’re going to be held accountable. It’s literally between them and Jesus. But the truth is, is that those same young people that are saying hypocrite are also starving for real. They’re starving for transparency, they’re starving for authenticity, for rawness. And the truth is, is that they they’re like us. All humans have this innate desire to truly be known. And so one of the most important things that we need to do as parents in loving our kids is to try to know them well. And if our kids are becoming, they’re withdrawing from us and becoming secretive.

That can be hard, especially as they start getting older and they start having more independence and they can drive places and they can go places without you and you’re not always there. You can feel like there’s a withdrawn ness happening or a separation happening. And part of that is is actually healthy, that they are becoming a little bit more independent. Right? They shouldn’t be codependent. We want to raise confident, courageous kids for an uncertain world. But but they should trust you. So if there’s like a secretiveness that’s happening, then that means there’s a brokenness in that relationship that we need to be honest about. One of the best things that you can do here are some here’s some suggestions is one on one time. So just taking that effort means a lot to people, taking one on one time just to spend time with them. Tell them, I really want to know you. I want to know what’s going on. I feel like I don’t know what’s going on, calling it out. See how that is not being the rose tinted glasses, pretending everything’s perfect. And oh, yeah, teenagers will do this. And and adult kids will eventually have their own life, and it won’t involve you. Those are all lies from the enemy. And so don’t ignore the issue that’s in the relationship, but run towards them and be fully who you are. That’s something that I would say that I’ve even learned more and more over the last like seven years is that I need to I need to continue being the growing person in the Lord that God made me to be. And so I just want to encourage you to be that with your kids, too, as they grow up.

So do your kids really know you? And do you really know your kids? Do you guys have real conversations? Is there humility in you? So they see. All aspects of you that you’re not that you don’t think you’re perfect. That striving to be perfect is the answer to adulthood. See, we need to have humility. And do your kids really feel known by you? That’s super important because real love does have that connection point. And it says in First Corinthians 13 four, love is patient and kind. Love does not envy or boast. It is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way. It is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Obviously that’s a popular wedding scripture, but it has everything to do with our relationship with our children and showing real love. So there is an epidemic of loneliness. There’s an epidemic of suicide in young people. There’s an there’s there’s social media. Social media has proven to create more loneliness and people actually.

In depression.

And depression and less actual connection, human connection, because human connection doesn’t happen through messaging. It doesn’t happen through seeing images, watching videos and reels. Human connection happens because we feel understood and known by somebody else. And there’s real communication and there’s all aspects of a good relationship. And so do you have good relationships? Are you nurturing good relationships with your kids? Do they feel known? I would say when six, seven, eight, nine, that age range is when you really need to start honing in on this even more. And if they’re already older, it’s you got to dive into this. And so we have a challenge for you guys.

This is going to be called the Courageous Parenting Challenge. And like we said at the beginning of the podcast, we are also going to do this with our kids as well, just because you know what? It’s always good to come back to this and we’re going to ask a couple of questions. Yeah. One is, do you know that I love you no matter what, no matter what you do, no matter what you don’t do? Do you know that we love you no matter what?

And I would say that probably the first response of most kids, especially if we haven’t really gone real with our kids, is going to be. Yes, of course, Mom. And I wouldn’t just leave it there. Yeah, I would. I would listen and I’d go, Hey, that’s really good to hear. But just no, I want you to always be comfortable sharing anything with me. Yeah, because I wouldn’t want you to feel like I would love you less if you shared a mistake with me or something like that. And so I would get descriptive about it and really talk about it and go. So I just really want to make sure you know that I love you no matter what you do. You are my son, you are my daughter, and I just am always going to be here for you no matter what.

The second question that we’re going to ask is, do you feel known? Do you feel like you’re able to be fully transparent and who you are with us, or do you feel like you have to be perfect? Do you feel like you have to put on a show or can you be fully you do you feel like we know you? And then sharing, they may say, Well, yeah, I feel like I’m me. And, you know, they may just kind of brush it aside and go, okay, well, let me share with you what I see. Am I missing anything? And just go, I just really want to get to know you even better because you’re going to continue to grow. And I recognize you’re going to change because all humans do. And I want to be able to make sure that you feel supported as you’re growing and changing and that I see you for the new you that you are. And that’s so I think it’s empowering in relationships for kids to go, Wow, my parents recognize I’m growing up and and this is an important thing because let me ask you a question. Do you feel like your parents view you as the 31 year old or the 44 year old or the 27 year old that you are? Or do they view you as the five year old or the eight year old or the 14 year old or the or the rebellious 17 year old or whatever in your history? Do they still view you that way and then talk down to you or talk to you as if you were a child? And the reason why I’m asking that question is because this is one of the biggest mistakes that I think parents potentially make, is that they don’t acknowledge the growth and let their child be the 21 year old or the 30 year old and make decisions on their own.

They have they always see them as their baby. And we love we just read about what love does. Love is patient, Love is kind. Love isn’t boastful, right? It would be arrogant and boastful to think that you need to still be like parenting on very basic things. When when a child has grown up and they’re now raising their own kids and doing a good job, like we need to acknowledge they’re doing a good job, we need to acknowledge that they’ve grown. And part of this, I think it comes from the same ditch that we were talking about earlier, which is ignoring the issues. Not only do people potentially ignore the issues, but they also ignore the growth because they’re just ignoring. So if you are in that ditch, this is why it’s so important that you’re evaluating this, because it has many more consequences and ramifications in your relationship than you may even realize. And so really evaluating, do I do this? Do I do that? It’s all stems from this performance driven acceptance of of even myself as a parent and how God views me because of my home and because of my family. We need to let that go because Jesus died to break that bondage. God loves us and died for us while we were still sinners.

God made you unique on purpose. He wants the authentic you to be out there in the world, but he wants us to be yielded to him. Don’t we want that for the same for our kids? God made each of them unique, for unique contribution in this world, and they’re going to really be stifled if they feel like they have to do a performance game and and to put on a show and they’re not going to be as engaged in society if they can’t be have integrity and be solid throughout, always the same person and develop real relationships and so forth. It starts with they’re in our homes, so let’s model that. Well, let’s engage our children on on that relational level as they’re getting older. And if you have young kids right now, let’s have a vision towards that and let’s model things well. And you know what? There is no perfect, but we all are on a journey of loving the Lord and glorifying his name. Let’s do that the best we can. But real, authentic communication and authentic relationships is key to all that it is.

And, you know, I think the last thing, too, I think of is, you know, I don’t want any parents to walk away from today’s podcast and be like, so so if I’m telling my kids it’s okay to be real and they’re really struggling with sin and they’re just like having an emotional, lacking self control, for example, all over the place, that’s okay. I shouldn’t do anything. No, that’s not what we’re saying. Ad we do correct. But we do it in love and we lead and we teach them and equip them to have emotional self-control. But but there’s this thing that you guys, we have to point our kids to Jesus. They need Jesus just as much as we do. They need the power of his spirit activated in them so that they can say no to the temptation of sin. We need to have grace with our kids and understanding. If they have not accepted Jesus and been born again, then they don’t have the spirit activated and therefore our expectations of them should be appropriate and realistic, and we need to disciple them to Jesus. And those times when they screw up, or those times when they lose it, when they lose it and they’re in sin, are opportunities for us to point them to Jesus and to say, Hey, honey, you can’t do this on your own.

That’s why you need God and God loves you and I love you. But this can’t continue and Jesus wants to set you free. That is the message of the gospel that our kids need to hear. It’s not lacking truth. It’s being consistent. It’s being faithful to God’s Word, but it’s also loving them with an unconditional love. So thanks so much for joining us today. God bless you and your parenting. Hey, thanks for listening to this episode. For more resources, go to courageous parenting and courageous mom dot com for free online workshops, blog posts, and best selling courses. Also, we wanted to quickly tell you about our six week online parenting mentor program. Isaac and I created a powerful biblical curriculum. Here’s how it works. Each week we release a video with a downloadable parenting packet to make it easy for you to incorporate those teachings directly into your parenting.

This is an incredible self-paced program where we cover everything from obedience training to overcoming mistakes most Christians are making. But more than that, it’s a supportive community. You’ll have access to our private online group, live Webcasts and the courageous parenting text message line where Angie and I can send you weekly encouragement straight to your phone.

If you’re interested in joining our next online parenting mentor program. Secure your spot now at CourageousParenting.com