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• Exclusive biblical resources such as the Courageous Marriage and Redeeming Childbirth series.
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All Ministry Resources: becourageousministry.org

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• Cultivating Biblical Friendships  The course that helps women build lasting Godly friendships.

• Financial Giving, is important to support our family and expand the impact of the ministry. We aim to impact 10 million  legacies. We are in full-time ministry as a large family, so everything makes a difference. 

Thank you for being part of this movement to equip 10 million families and their legacies with Biblical truth to raise confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

• Private Group for Christian Moms with weekly lives with Angie Tolpin
• Weekly podcast Q&A with episode behind the scenes content. Just type in your question!
• Exclusive biblical resources such as the Courageous Marriage and Redeeming Childbirth series.
• Exclusive access to the courageous kid’s podcast. Play it for your kids to stir up good discussions.
• Monthly LIVE Q&A with the Tolpins; ask the anything.
• Powerful Biblically minded community.
• Topic-based discussion groups.
• You get your own profile and can connect with others.
• Growing libraries of LIVE replays

All Ministry Resources: becourageousministry.org

Our Courses

• Parenting Mentor Program, self-paced online program that equips you to biblically parent during unprecedented times.
• The Homeschooling Blueprint, the online program to boost your effectiveness & help your kids thrive.
• Postpartum Course, The First-Ever Christian Postpartum Course.
• Cultivating Biblical Friendships  The course that helps women build lasting Godly friendships.

• Financial Giving, is important to support our family and expand the impact of the ministry. We aim to impact 10 million  legacies. We are in full-time ministry as a large family, so everything makes a difference. 

Thank you for being part of this movement to equip 10 million families and their legacies with Biblical truth to raise confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

• Private Group for Christian Moms with weekly lives with Angie Tolpin
• Weekly podcast Q&A with episode behind the scenes content. Just type in your question!
• Exclusive biblical resources such as the Courageous Marriage and Redeeming Childbirth series.
• Exclusive access to the courageous kid’s podcast. Play it for your kids to stir up good discussions.
• Monthly LIVE Q&A with the Tolpins; ask the anything.
• Powerful Biblically minded community.
• Topic-based discussion groups.
• You get your own profile and can connect with others.
• Growing libraries of LIVE replays

All Ministry Resources: becourageousministry.org

Our Courses

• Parenting Mentor Program, self-paced online program that equips you to biblically parent during unprecedented times.
• The Homeschooling Blueprint, the online program to boost your effectiveness & help your kids thrive.
• Postpartum Course, The First-Ever Christian Postpartum Course.
• Cultivating Biblical Friendships  The course that helps women build lasting Godly friendships.

• Financial Giving, is important to support our family and expand the impact of the ministry. We aim to impact 10 million  legacies. We are in full-time ministry as a large family, so everything makes a difference. 

Thank you for being part of this movement to equip 10 million families and their legacies with Biblical truth to raise confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

Welcome to Courageous Parenting Podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Hi, I’m Angie from Courageous.

Mom and Isaac from Resolute Man Together pursuing the mission to impact 10 million families and their legacies for the Kingdom of God.

We’ve been married for 23 years and are seeing the fruit from raising our nine children biblically. Based on the raw truth found in the Bible.

We can no longer let the culture win the hearts of children, as too many from Christian families are walking away from their faith by the age of 18. And it doesn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t be this way.

We’re praising the Lord. That ministry continues to expand and impact more legacies. We couldn’t do this without you. Whether you pray for us, give us five star reviews, or share on social.

Or even if you purchase courses and merch or join the Be Courageous app community, enjoy the coffee or support financially. We’re so thankful you are a big part of the 10 Million Legacies movement.

If you want access to all the episodes, show notes, and other biblically based resources, go to Be Courageous Ministry.

Org. Join us as we start another important conversation about effective parenting in a fallen world. Welcome to the Courageous Parenting Podcast.

Hey guys.

So glad you’re here today. We’re talking about.

Does your child have a defiant heart or a crushed spirit?

This is so vital. Every. I can’t imagine a single family not needing encouragement in this area.

Yeah, no that’s true. We’re gonna be talking about obedience and disobedience. But really, the heart of it is defiant attitudes. Right? Um, and we’re going to talk we’re going to go through some scripture here that you guys can encourage your kids with and raise them up in. Um, but I think that we have some other really convicting scriptures for parents, too. So hold on tight. Here we go.

Practical insights. I mean, scriptures you can use right with your kids. So good. But hey, thanks so much for being part of the 10 Million Legacies movement. When you share on social media, five star reviews helps the algorithms. All of that stuff is so helpful, encourages us to and we couldn’t do it without you. We are so thankful for your participation in the ministry, in the mission and so forth. All resources. Be courageous Ministry. Org including you can donate to help the mission of Double Impact this year. Uh, there’s some much needed, uh, you know, length to go there and also purchasing things and, uh, letting people know about it. Did you know, by the way, that, um, churches can use our curriculum as part of their programs? So there’s biblical friendships and there’s the parenting mentor program. So there’s really unique and awesome ways churches are doing that.

That’s right. So we love partnering with churches and trying to stand in the gap as far as, um, standing up and parenting equip or equipping parents in biblical parenting. And that’s why we created the Parenting Mentor Program. So if you guys are interested in that, you can go to Courageous Parenting.com.

Absolutely. So okay, let’s dive into this.

All right. So you know, obviously the the title of today’s podcast is really a question that every parent should first ask their children or not ask their children, but ask themselves about their children. Does your child have a defiant heart or or a crushed spirit? And I would just even add on, or do they have both? Right. Because sometimes the crushed spirit or what you’re seeing in their countenance is because of their struggling with being in bondage of sin. And this defiant, independent spirit which we’re going to dig into in a little bit. But I think that the first thing is, as far as talking about defiance, obviously, if there was no laws, if there was no no righteous living or unrighteous living, right, if there were no rights or wrongs, to put it really simply for children, then there wouldn’t be a defiant attitude. Right? But there really is. You’re saying if they’re in a wrong.

If there wasn’t a standard, you couldn’t define defiance.

Exactly. Exactly. Because why does defiance exist? Because there is authority that is helping to lead and guide and teach and and within that there’s rebuke, there’s correction, there’s admonishment, there’s, um, standards and expectations for rules and different settings. Think about sports, think about school setting. Think about in a family culture, within a church, within anything that you do. There are rules, laws, regulations, all of those things right? In society there are. And so because there are those things when when people struggle in their flesh to obey those things, they can have the fruit of that is a defiant attitude. Right. And so I think that we first want to dive in and talk about defining what a defiant attitude is, right? Because sometimes that can be confusing. Is it disobedience? Well, it can happen during disobedience, right. Um, and that’s where I think parents experience it the most, is that they’re like, man, they’re just having such a bad attitude. And they’re and they’re disobeying as part of what they’re seeing in the action part of it. Right? Yeah. But in reality, it’s it’s sometimes also the attitude exists without there being a specific action or inaction, if you will, because disobedience can either be not doing what they’re told or doing something they were told not to do. Right. So it could be action or inaction. Um, and you see the attitude of I’m going to do this even though they told me not to or I’m not going to do that even though they told me to. Um, but you can also see defiance in an attitude as far as rolling eyes go.

Yeah. And I think that, you know, do you really have a standard? When I think of a standard, it’s it means it’s something that’s not just spoken, but it’s backed up. And if there isn’t a standard that’s backed up and is only spoken, then it’s hurting all standards, because then there’s a wishy washy feeling amongst those who are expected to hold a standard, and they may not. Follow anything. And so I think our word is so powerful, and we need to follow through on what we set out to do. Which means I’ve always taught this in business, too. You have to be careful what standard you hold, because then the next question is, are you willing to expect it and hold the standard? Of course, in grace and love, correction, um, communication and all these things. But if you’re not going to follow through, then it even actually hurts you to have one.

You know, you’re bringing up something that I, I hadn’t even really thought of until we just got to this conversation, which is really important because as biblical Christians, people who love Jesus, we want to hold a biblical standard, but there are some times a lot of expectations or extra standards that we can impose upon our children that are extra biblical. I’m not saying that they’re bad. They could be good, but but maybe they’re extra. And so being really aware of what you’re expecting is important, because it’s one way that parents, I believe this is just something I’ve, like personally been convicted of in the past is am I expecting too much and is my expectations provoking my children?

You know, it’s interesting. I think back I was running this organization over two states. There was 30 offices, physical office locations and my younger entrepreneurial years. And I remember when I had this epiphany of creating change and growing the organization, many epiphanies. And one of them was to reevaluate what I expected and to recalibrate that and get it distilled to what I’m actually willing to follow through on in terms of the culture, in terms of what I expect when people come to meetings, when people are on conference calls together and these kinds of things, and you can translate that to your family, because sometimes we might be expecting lots of little things, but we’re not following through on them. And that hampers the follow through on the big things. And what I noticed there, and also noticed in my family, is that when I only expect what I’m going to fall through on, when I hold a standard that I’m going to follow through on, then my words have meaning and people actually follow through. Is that when I say, okay, bring this to the meeting, everybody brings it because they know I’m going to utilize it and I care about it. And I’m not just asking for things I don’t follow through on.

That’s so good. And I also think, I wonder when sometimes we expect too much out of our kids. If I’m just to take it down to the family, that then the kids can feel like they’re walking on eggshells, right? Because they’re they’re like just going too far with expectations where maybe there’s an expectation of perfection or, um, a temptation for, for a parent who maybe is struggling with OCD or control in a sense, and they start getting frustrated when things aren’t going their way. Right? Because they’ve got a lot to do in a day or whatever it is. And the kids are going along with the parent for the ride, basically, but they feel like they can never live up to their parents expectations, or they’re always disappointing their parents. And that really, when we think about it, if we were the kid and someone else was in authority over us and we were experiencing that, even if it had nothing to do with us, but we were just going along for the ride. It’s easy for that kid to feel like they’re the reason why the parent is upset or overwhelmed or stressed out or anxious or whatever, when in reality it might just be the parent.

But that’s why this is such an important topic is because as parents, we need to recognize that God’s Word actually warns us to be careful not to discourage our children, which when your child is discouraged, that could translate into having a crushed spirit, for example. And there’s there’s scripture about both of these that we want to just share with you guys. Um, but it is important to discern, is my child struggling in the flesh right now and having an independent attitude and a defiant spirit? Um, and there may be some other things that you could pinpoint, right? Like, let’s just talk about some of those. Are they forsaking your teaching? Are they despising rebuke? Are they resenting correction? Are they being disobedient to what God has commanded? And you’re just expecting what God has commanded? Or do they have an independent spirit and don’t want to follow? Um, all of those things could potentially go under defiant attitude. Um, but you might see an outward expression of an inward heart issue because this is really a heart issue. Right. And so what are some Isaac, let’s just maybe give the parents some, um, examples of outward expressions of a defiant attitude.

Oh, you know, it’s in the non-verbals nonverbal makes up more meaning and communication than actual words. So you can see it in the gestures, you can see it in their hesitancy. You might have to ask them three times, um, these kinds of things that their heart’s just not there. They’ll do a compliance. You have a compliant child, but you don’t have your child’s heart as much as maybe you want. And I think don’t be discouraged by that, because I think as parents, we’re always chasing our children’s hearts, you know, and we’re talking about human beings here that have the repercussions of the fall in Genesis, like we all do. And so, you know, it’s it’s it’s a constant process of persevering for your child’s heart and talking through it, but not just sometimes we just, uh, you know, we’ll correct when the action is wrong, but we should care more. Maybe about the heart.

Yeah. Truly. Like, one of the things we talk about in the parenting mentor program, in the heart session is that, um, the the sins that we see outwardly, right? The actions or the inactions, the disobedience, the, the bragging, the sinful attitudes, um, are really an outward expression of something that’s deeper in their heart. It’s a symptom of a disease in the heart. And and recognizing that that is something that we need to gently but consistently and biblically try to lead.

Medical freedom is something we all desire. And I think we’d all agree that in the last four years, we’ve really realized just how important it is to have a trusted, like minded doctor.

You should be able to build your medical team and choose who you get care from. Knowing that where you spend your money is a matter of stewardship and a desire to support local Christian medical businesses. Absolutely.

I don’t know about you, but I prefer to help support businesses that have a biblical worldview on life and health.

Here’s the problem more often than not, you have to choose your doctor off a preferred in-network list. And if I’m really honest, those clinics usually see such mass quantities of people that it’s incredibly impersonal and you walk away feeling like a number. In addition, in most cases, in order to be seen by specialists, you’re required to get a referral from a primary care physician, which costs more time and money.

We want to introduce you to a biblical approach to health care Samaritan Ministries. You can find out more about it at Samaritan Ministries. Org slash be courageous.

They’re a health sharing ministry built on biblical principles of bearing one another’s burdens practically, financially, through helping with health care costs and spiritually through praying and caring for one another.

Samaritan ministries gives you the freedom you desire to choose your doctors and health care professionals, including. This is cool alternative care providers like chiropractors and naturopathic providers as well.

The process is simple and provides us, as Christians, a way to obey Scripture and care for one another as the larger church.

Samaritan ministries is the only health care sharing ministry with direct member to member sharing.

I love that we send our monthly share directly to another brother or sister in Christ to support someone going through a medical crisis or recovering from a medical need, rather than to some large corporation.

So if you’d like to find out more about Samaritan Ministries, go to Samaritan Ministries. Org forward slash be courageous. That’s Samaritan ministries org forward slash be courageous to learn more.

When you sign up don’t forget to tell them that be courageous ministry or Angie and Isaac Tolpin referred you.

The links will also be in our weekly podcast show notes at Be Courageous Ministry.

Org to lead our children’s heart. I think if the if we were using that kind of terminology in a moment where we have an opportunity, kids are fighting about something. You have an opportunity to lead your children towards Jesus through the means of you’re going to mediate, you’re going to correct, you’re going to share scripture with them. You’re going to help them to confess and apologize. You’re going to lead them to a place of understanding while you’re talking to them about how hurtful it was. And hopefully they have a remorseful heart attitude, and then you’re going to lead them in reconciliation, because forgiveness is incredibly important and so is restoration, right? And so you go through this process with your children. And really what what I just described to you is a, a mom and a dad’s first and foremost ministry, which is the ministry of reconciliation to other people and taking your children to the Lord, the reconciliation between them and the Lord. And when it comes to sins like disobedience of parents, for example, or disobedience of the word, which there are many other authorities that we all experience in our lives. But for children, if they can’t obey mom and dad, then it’s going to be much harder to obey God. And if it’s hard to obey mom and Dad, then it might be hard for them to obey teachers or coaches or bosses down the road.

It’s really important. And just because we were talking about standards that you follow through on, we’re not saying lower your standards. No, we actually, in a lot of cases, would probably encourage people to raise their standard. Yeah. Uh, in this world that we’re living in that keeps lowering the bar on what’s expected or acceptable. And so I think we should be raising the bar. Um, but the point was that make sure you follow through on it.

Um, and understanding. So there’s defiance, right? We listed a bunch of different, um, aspects of what defines could look like outwardly and then inwardly what that really is just to kind of talk this out. I think a lot of times as parents, I think it’s easy for us to see an action and act on the action or react, if you will, but instead recognizing, okay, there’s this reoccurring theme I’m seeing in my child’s life, and to really pray about it and ask God to reveal to you what the real heart issue is, whether it’s in your relationship with them or their relationship with someone else, um, or their relationship with God. Are they just literally wrestling with their flesh because all of us wrestle with our flesh, right? It says for all have fallen short of the glory of God. And Romans 323 and so we know because we’re human and we’re raising humans, that this is a common thing that humans will wrestle with. And so to teach your kids that and kind of take the pressure off and go, hey, I’ve struggled with this too. You’re not alone. That’s why we need Jesus. Like that would be at the really ultra little kid level, right? Where you’re just sharing real. It’s not a long lecture, but you’re helping them to feel safe and be able to share with you about the things they are struggling with, where they don’t feel like mom and dad think they’re perfect and they’re not. But instead, you’re creating a foundational relationship where you’re telling your kids, I know it’s so hard to forgive your brother. I understand it is hard to forgive sometimes. That’s why we need Jesus to help us. Let’s pray about it. Right? And, you know, just over and over again in all of those different occurrences that can happen throughout a day, a week, a lifetime raising your kids. We have so many opportunities. But I think that what happens when parents are just dealing with the actions and not the heart. This separation starts to grow in their relationship with their parents, more and more and more and more to where they’re more disconnected than ever.

It reminds me of like a works based mentality towards God. It’s a workspace mentality towards parents, and they’re just doing it because they know it’s the right thing that they’re supposed to do, but there’s not a heart for it. And as they grow older, that’s going to create a wedge. And then when you really need to have deep conversations with them and have their hearts and the teenage years, someone else is going to get their hearts and it’s going to be peers, it’s going to be maybe even well-intentioned leaders in church that just don’t have experience and are steered right, not in the very best way where you could steer them in a better way if you had their heart so.

Or even friends, parents or grandparents or I mean, just there’s so many other opportunities, right? And so I think it’s really a powerful thing for parents to be self-examining and just asking themselves the question, so is this my. And maybe it is a matter of both, right? Like maybe your child is wrestling in the flesh, but you also maybe have contributed to them having a crushed spirit. So let’s look at what the Bible says about crushed spirit here in Proverbs 17 verse 22, it says, A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Um, we wanted to share about this idea of crushed spirit because, um, Colossians 321 says, fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. And when a child is discouraged, what’s one way that that discouragement can look like in a physical, outward appearance? If a child is discouraged, they might have a crushed spirit. Yeah, they.

Might be down. They might not be as proactive or energetic about doing things they used to enjoy. They might, uh, just be, you know, not happy.

Right. And then you’ve got Proverbs 1513 that says, A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed. So there’s another verse about it. And then it just says, the heart of him who has understanding, see, seeks knowledge. So if if you’re a person who has understanding. The way I read this for me as a mom is if I’m a person who has understanding, I’m going to seek the knowledge as to why my child has a cheerful face is it’s it says right here, it’s a glad heart, makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed. So obviously there’s a visible appearance on a person’s face. If they have a crushed spirit as opposed to a cheerful face. Right? It’s the countenance of a person. And so this is something that’s not necessarily something you evaluate in the midst of conflict. It’s like, what is their face regularly towards you or in conversation with you? Are they kind of hardened of heart like I also think of Pharaoh. I think of like, what is that hardened heart? Right. Because a crushed spirit or discouraged spirit would be in my mind. So first there’s discouragement, then there’s crushed. Right? Because if the discouragement doesn’t turn into encouragement, and a pursuing of the child in the relationship can turn into a crushed spirit where the kid just is like, yeah, my mom and dad just don’t love me. Maybe. Maybe they’re believing lies from the enemy because they feel like they can never impress you. They can never be good enough. Right? And maybe they’re struggling with that so much that. And if they are, I’m just going to tell you the enemy will exploit any weakness. And children are massively under attack right now. And they need to know that they’re loved by their parents and that no matter what they do or don’t do, they’re still going to be loved because that’s the God that we serve.

So I hope you tell your children that no matter what, I love you. And it’s so important that they’re not just believing in God so that you love them, it’s important that you’re cultivating and pointing them to a real and awesome God. And they’re learning all about him, and they want to obey him. And when they start to really, really wanting to obey God, wow. It’s going to be so much easier for them to obey you because God tells them to do that. So the most important authority you want them to care about in their lives is God’s authority. And then when you say, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right, for you will live long in the land and prosper. Mhm. Um, then it means something to them. It’s like, wow, I love God, I love my parents. God is telling me to obey my parents. There’s something.

Wrong. God by obeying that.

I need to work on here if I’m.

Not. Yeah. It’s it’s interesting. It also goes back to this, um, second Timothy 316 that we wanted to share with you guys says all Scripture is breathed out by God. I’m gonna stop there for a second. All scripture, all Scripture is breathed out by God. That alone is amazing. That’s the sufficiency of Scripture right there. Our kids need to believe this. And it says. And it’s profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training and righteousness, that the man of God may be complete and equipped for every good work. As parents, that’s what we’re doing. We’re trying to equip our children so they’re prepared for every good work. But we have to use the Bible in order to do that. And so using scriptures like this and teaching your kids, hey, listen, God’s Word has some commands for you. God’s word also has wisdom for you. God’s God has a way of living. And then we have this temptation to live in the flesh and to follow the way that the world does things. And having that conversation with your kids and making the distinction. And the older and older they get, the more conversations you have about the distinctions of what does it look like in the world? What does it look like in the Bible? What is the worldly way? What is God’s way? Way of the flesh, God’s way. And you keep teaching these different things because there’s Scripture for both warning you about the ways of the flesh in the world, and scriptures that will exhort you and command you in living God’s way, such as children, obey your parents in the Lord.

I would think right now think about each of your children and think about a thermometer above their head, and it’s a heart thermometer. And think about how full is it? It goes up to say, 100 and or how empty is it and in your heart relationship with them. And if you imagine as you’re going through the week periodically just thinking about where is their heart, where is my relationship with them? And if it’s not up in the top there, then, you know you have to work on it and it takes some sacrifice. You might need to take them out and get a loan time with them, and just really pour into them and think about how are they wired, how are they different. You can’t treat all your children the same way, you know that. But sometimes we naturally gravitate towards that. We’re wired in a certain way and we gravitate towards how we’re wired, and we’re just expecting everybody to follow suit because I’m the parent. Well, you know, they are wired differently. They have different needs and love languages and so forth. And so you’ve got to learn about your kids and go outside of what you care about to sometimes what they care about.

So let’s talk about um, so when kids are being defiant, there are some outward signs, if you will. Hey there. We just wanted to invite you to join us in the next Parenting Mentor program, where we talk more about the heart of parenting in session two. So take a listen to this next little clip and we hope you join us. Steve and I.

Realize that we were getting too comfortable with the world’s vision of how to raise our children.

What Angie and Isaac have done in creating this is literally phenomenal.

This program provided awesome scripture based teachings and just some really great practical applications.

This class has just really rocked my world.

It has given me the vision for not just the different things that we might focus on as parents who are trying to raise our kids biblically, like how our kids are behaving or what we’re doing with discipline, but also the things of the heart.

We now have a game plan to how we want to raise our children. We have so many answers to the questions that have been in our mind.

It’s not just these hypothetical situations or it’s not just this. Here’s what I think you should do. It’s let me show you where in Scripture this is.

Do your legacy a favor and yourself a favor and just do it.

One of the best things that we’ve done this year, one of the best investments we’ve made this year. And I could not recommend it more.

We’re no longer fearing dark days ahead, but we’re so excited to raise lights to be leaders for the next generation.

Um, obvious disobedience is like an obvious thing if your kids are being disobedient. That’s a defiant attitude, right? Like when you look up the definition in the dictionary, it says open resistance and bold disobedience, right? And then they use um protesters as an example. Right. And so envision your kid being a protester. I don’t want to do that. Right. And they’re there. Or maybe they aren’t saying it verbally like the three year old or four year old would, but they’re in their heart. They maybe get up and they’re compliant and they start doing it. But their attitude, so maybe they’re being obedient, but are they actually what is their heart saying? And that’s where it’s a matter of defiance or not. And so the reality is is one we we look at that and we go, okay, is there anything in our relationship that that I’ve done right? As parents? We would reevaluate that because we want to chase after our kids hearts. We want to be in good relationship with them. We want the same thing that Jesus wants from us. Um, in John 14, there are three different times where Jesus says, if you love me, you will obey my commandments. If you obey my commandments, then you, then I, then you will love me, and my father will make his dwelling with you. He says it over and over again to where it’s making this really strong point of like, God cares about the heart. And as parents, we look at God our father as our example. And we also want that too. We don’t want our kids to just like, yes, sir, be like military and and just be robots and obey. We want them to want to obey, right? We want them to want to have relationship with us. In the same way God wants us to want to have relationship with him. And hey.

We understand we have an almost three year old. We have little kids still. We are in the thick of it with you. We also have older teenagers and we have kids launched. And so we’re in every parenting season at once right now. And we were just at the park for four hours yesterday with everybody and some friends and so forth, and we went to church and everybody sat with us in a church where that isn’t a normal thing for people to do. Right.

And so and the three year old, well, almost three year old, decided that he wanted to be loud and not whisper his requests and was really getting fussy. So there were multiple. So we understand out.

We get this. We just yesterday we had to address the heart of our almost three year old.

Over and over.

Over and over again. And we had to work with him. We had to communicate with him, we had to correct him. We we had to go through the process and over and over and over again. And by the time we got home, he was he was a big day, but.

He was totally asleep. He was smashed potatoes for sure.

But I just wanted you to know we’re in the thick of it. And we’ve been doing this for 23 years because we’ve always had a three year old.

Actually, that’s probably very true. Almost always, almost always. I think there’s only a couple of years where we didn’t have a three year old. But, you know, I think that there’s this element of when we read scriptures like Philippians 214 says, do all things without grumbling or complaining. Okay. So this is obviously about doing things, being obedient to God, or doing your work as unto the Lord is another scripture that comes to my mind. Work heartily is unto the Lord, and we teach our kids these verses on a regular basis. I’m sure you guys do too, but they give us insight into what the what. When you disobey that, you are grumbling. You are complaining. Another translation says whining, right? And so those would be an outward appearance of a heart problem. I’m sure you would agree and that would be in my mind. It’s like God is telling us to do something God’s way, do all things without grumbling and complaining. What is the world’s way? Complain. Being in the flesh, I don’t. Oh, I don’t feel like it. It’s so hot. Do we have to keep working at the weeds? You know, whatever it is, we were just weeding a few weeks ago, so that was something that I heard a little bit. Can we stop, please?

Oh, by the way, that’s where family culture comes in. Working together. Tolponds work hard. Tolponds our team. I mean, what what are your family? That’s a whole nother topic. But episode two talks about that.

Yeah, but I just I want to point out to you, like how we read scripture and we look at these things, we’re like, wow, this verse is not just telling us what to do. It’s also warning about what not to do at the same time. And that is one example of having a defiant attitude towards the Lord. If we’re doing something in a grumbling, whining way when we know that the Bible says not to. But here’s the key is that little kids, they don’t know what the Bible says completely. And so it’s our job as parents to be discipling our children and teaching them verses like Philippians 214, for example. Um, but then also teaching them some other scriptures. There’s this one scripture I really, really was excited to share with you guys. It’s in Hebrews 1026, which I think, you know, the whole scripture around it is really worth studying. And the older that your kids are, the more it’s going to make sense to them. But I think that this is really important for us as parents, because sometimes we can expect too much of our kids without having taught them right. It’s like we expect them to be honoring or respecting an elder or something. And, and, and we haven’t ever talked to them about the importance of obeying the elders or whatever. Right. So listen to this verse. It’s Hebrews 1026. For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins. That’s a big deal. But this is the thing it’s saying. After receiving the knowledge of truth, our kids haven’t been given the knowledge of truth in all things when it comes to the things that they do or don’t do.

Right. And so as parents, it’s our responsibility to teach our children God’s commands. We see that in Deuteronomy six. We see it all throughout Scripture. But this is the thing when we’re when we’re teaching our kids and we’re correcting them, we need to pause for a second, knowing we’re going to provoke our children and potentially create a hardened heart if we’re expecting something out of them that we haven’t taught or isn’t obvious. Like as kids get older, there starts to be more of. They start to learn more of like how to discern if something’s right or wrong. But when they’re little, they’re literally learning this. So for the parents of little, little kids that are not willing to tell their their toddler or crawling baby know when they’re trying to put their finger in the light socket, you should be telling them no for sure, telling them no and there should be a little flick on the hand too. If they do touch it. Why? Because they could literally kill themselves if they stuck their finger or an object in that electric socket. But if there, there’s this whole like worldly movement of parenting that’s like, oh no, we’re just going to childproof everything, make everything so that we don’t teach them. We don’t have to say no, we make it simple for ourselves. But in reality, what we’re doing is we’re skipping a huge, necessary element of parenting that your kids need developmentally to start beginning. How to discern what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s dangerous, and what’s okay.

Interesting thought is, is having your children’s heart also tied to correcting your children consistently and following through. And the answer is yes. And let’s think of an example real quick a really wealthy family that gives everything to their children anything they want and gives them a lot of freedom and just loves and supports them in every single direction but doesn’t correct them, doesn’t have boundaries or standard of behavior and so forth, and follows through on that. They might verbally have some standards, but they don’t actually follow through from when they’re little all the way up. What do we usually see in that kind of situation? We usually see children that actually don’t feel loved by their parents, because it’s not about the things. It’s not about all the activities. There’s something tied to. When someone really cares for you, they’re looking out for you. Even when it doesn’t feel good.

Even pulling you out of the fire.

They’re pulling you out of the fire. Wow. There’s there’s security in that. There’s like, wow, they actually love me enough to do what I don’t want them to do, uh, right now, or I don’t feel like doing right now and they’re going to follow through. They really love me. That’s right.

And I think the older kids get, the more they remember those moments and they come back and they say, thank you for those things. You know, it’s interesting. James 417 says, so whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it for him, it is sin. And so you can read this through the lens of being an adult, a spiritually mature Christian. Right? And you’re like, okay, so if I know the right thing to do and I don’t do it, I fail to do it. It’s sin for me, right? But what about kids who are not told, right. They’re not told whether it’s a right thing to do or not. But they failed to do it. And a parent thinks they should just know that, right. And I think that this is where we start to evaluate and have grace in these situations where we go, okay, wait a second, maybe. I told the older four kids and I taught them about this, but I haven’t had that conversation with that kid yet. I’ve done that before, and I’ve had to come at it from a posture of grace and really dig in and teach the kid. And I’ll tell you that those are the moments more than anything, where those kids get it, it sinks in and I never have a problem again.

Hey, let’s just remember it is in our DNA as humans to be forgetful people. Yeah. Uh, just look at the Israelites. And they were kept forgetting what God was telling them in the desert. And so they never made it out of the desert because of that, they kept forgetting. And we’re a forgetful people. And so it is important to have grace and repetition. Use the saying as the mother of learning, right? So repetition is vital as parents. Sometimes it can be frustrating to repeat, and sometimes there is defiance there, and sometimes it’s just part of the learning process. And so we need to not be frustrated if we’re being repetitive all the time, because sometimes it’s just needed if you repeat. And good leadership actually when it’s not defiance, but good leadership teaches someone something as if it’s the first time they ever taught it. When they can tell someone forgot something in an innocent way. Um, and so remember that. And that was a powerful lesson I learned from a leader one time, which is, wow, if you. But if you teach him again in a condescending way, like you should know.

That you should know this already, then it.

Wasn’t a defiant thing that creates an exasperation.

It does. And, um, Ephesians six four also warns parents not to exasperate their children, right, because they could become discouraged. You know, here’s an encouraging Bible verse. You guys like encouraging Bible verses I do for parenting. Psalm 103, verse 13 says, as a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame. He remembers we are dust, he knows us, and he shows compassion based upon what he knows of us. He’s able to look at the heart. The Bible says man looks at outward appearance, but. But God looks at the heart. Man looks at outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. And we need to try harder to look at our kids hearts as best as we can. Um, to be able to know when to show compassion, to know when to be consistent, to be able to discern when it’s defiance or if it’s a crushed spirit to encourage them and pursue them and heal that relationship. Or if it’s both right and it takes discernment, it takes investment, it takes time.

Hey, look around in the world right now. I would say that people feel the most unloved they’ve ever felt. Why do I say that? Is because what has been allowed to happen in the last 20 years, especially the last five years, anything goes. There are no standards, there are no boundaries. And I think with that, people in their independent spirit have embraced that. But I bet you if you did psychological studies, they probably feel the least loved as a populace they ever have and as a cross section of people. And another aspect too, is when you have your children’s hearts, there’s nothing to be fearful about. But the more distant you are in a heart relationship with your children, the more you’re probably going to fear the craziness of this world and the peer pressure and all these things. But when you have your children’s hearts, they’ll talk to you about anything when you don’t. They’re hiding just about everything.

Yeah, and that’s definitely something to look out for. Look out for the signs of a kid that’s hiding and hiding their life. Because they could be leaving, living a secret life. Right? Um. But instead, if they’re open with you, that’s that’s a good, good sign. You know, there there are probably a lot of people out there that are scared that if they move into the teenage years, they’re going to have defiant teenagers, because that’s kind of a the rebellious, defiant teenager is what the world portrays. But we just want to encourage you guys that you do not need to believe the lies from the enemy and expect your kids to be rebellious and disrespectful and defiant as teenagers. The teenage years can be your best years ever.

They absolutely can be. But I’ll be really candid with you and honest that it is rare that actually most people do experience that. Why? Because they’re doing the normal Christian rhythms. They literally are going down the normal route of the mass of Christians around them that they think are intentional and so forth. And they’re not digging in in the heart relationship, doing the hard work of truly discipling their children, correcting their children, following through spending a long time spending group time casting vision, caring about the uniqueness of who they are, educating them towards that uniqueness, and really embracing the full parenthood that. Is, we believe, required in these uncertain, unprecedented times that you’ve got to be more intentional than previous generations. And you know what? It’s not easy. But you know, what’s harder is when they’re disrespecting you in the teenage years, you don’t have the hearts and everybody else does that aren’t the greatest influences. That is way harder. And so it’s way more motivating to do the hard work, break, uh, the normal Christian rhythms and upgrade to what’s harder in the moment, but better for the long term.

That was amazing. We could just end right there. That was amazing. Well, no. I just want to encourage you guys, though, that if you do have a defiant teenager or a rebellious kid, it’s never too late to chase after your child’s heart and invest that time. But you may have to do some really drastic countercultural in their eyes. Crazy things. You might have to make some really crazy decisions, like, you may have to pull them out of school and bring them home for the last year. But I just want to say this if you have two years left with your kids and your relationships, not good. Then you need to do something else, because what’s been the normal rhythm is obviously not working. So you need to make some some change in your family culture, some change in the rhythm, whatever it is. Right? Isaac listed off a whole bunch of different ideas. Um, but I guarantee you that if if you are pursuing your child and caring about their heart, and you keep chasing after their heart and praying for them, that most people will see that love people are motivated by love. That’s how God designed us.

I love what you said. I call that a disruption. Disruption is a very good word. I love the word disruption. Now, a lot of times people don’t like it because it’s when things happen to them. So. So they don’t like the word because it’s disrupting what’s good in the direction we’re supposed to be going. But I like it. But I put another word in front of it. I call it a positive disruption, and positive disruptions only happen when we make them happen, and it’s uncomfortable. And it takes fortitude. It takes resiliency, it takes going against the grain. It takes not just taking all opinions and worrying about what people think around me, even sometimes loved ones. But it takes locking arms with your spouse and going, you know what? This is going to look strange to people around us, but we’re going to make a positive disruption and we’re going to pull the kids out here. We’re going to go in this direction, we’re going to do the harder path. We’re going to move. Usually the harder path is the more fruitful path, and the easier path is the one most people are doing.

That’s true. So we just wanted to give you guys some verses in order. If you have your journals, you could write this down. If you don’t just go to be Courageous Ministry. Org. There’s always show notes on every one of our podcast episodes, but if your kids are over like nine years old or even eight years old, depending on the kid on up, it would be really, really advantageous of you as you are discipling your children to go through these verses that we have for you in regards to talking about and and engaging with them in the reality that people struggle with sin. But in the end, if we repent of our sins, Jesus forgives us. And so here’s the first verse, Romans 323. Then you’re going to go to Romans 623. And then we have two verses that talk about the the need for knowing the knowledge, right, which is Hebrews 1026 and James 417. We shared both of those today with you guys. And then there’s first John one nine and Romans ten nine, which talk about forgiveness in Christ, and how if we confess our sins, he will cleanse us of all unrighteousness, and we can walk in fellowship with one another, and which is a really beautiful picture.

And I just want to encourage you guys in your walks. Also, if you’re struggling and you have a defiant attitude towards any authorities that God has placed in your life, whether that’s spiritual authorities in your church, whether that’s household authorities, if you’re wife, you have a head, a leader in your home called your husband. Right. And some women struggle with having a defiant attitude and not having reverence. And and that goes both ways, having reverence for one another. But in being in your biblical gender role, if you are living in any situation where there is authority over you, maybe you have a job, maybe you are part of a community group and you’re just a participant, and there’s a leader and you have a hard time following leadership. I just want to encourage you because there are there are certain times as long as those people are being biblical, if you are having a hard time following and it’s an independent spirit thing, and only you would know that because you need to examine your own heart. Then we really as a parents, we need to take that on and deal with it. We need to repent. We need to confess of our sins, turn from it, and not be that way.

Because it’s really hard to raise kids who are going to be obedient, kids that are not going to have bad attitudes when following your leadership. If you have a bad attitude, following leadership and they see that. So we’re wrapping this up today in perfect, courageous parenting style. There’s your challenge for today to evaluate. Do you have a hard time following who God has put in your life that you are supposed to be following? And you know, I would say that if you are and you’re having this problem with your kids, I would even encourage you to take it a step further and confess that to your kids and share with them how you know, and that’s something that you’re working on, and ask them to pray for you. You might be surprised at not only how much you are able to grow in this area, but it could convict your kids also to repent of the same thing. Hey, thanks for listening and being a part of the 10 Million Legacies movement. Go to be courageous ministry. Org for more biblically based resources, ways to switch where you spend your money that support the mission and information about the incredible Be Courageous app community for believers.

Also, we wanted to quickly tell you about our six week online Parenting Mentor program.

Isaac and I created a powerful biblical curriculum. Here’s how it works. Each week, we release a video session with a downloadable parenting packet to make it easy for you to incorporate those teachings directly into your parenting.

This is an incredible, self-paced program. We cover everything from tending to their hearts, handling obedience to overcoming mistakes most Christians are making. But more than that, it’s a supportive community. You’ll have access to our private group in the Be Courageous app, live webcast, and direct access to us.

If you’re interested in joining our next online Parenting Mentor program, secure your spot now at Be Courageous Ministry. Org that’s Be Courageous Ministry org.

• Private Group for Christian Moms with weekly lives with Angie Tolpin
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• Exclusive biblical resources such as the Courageous Marriage and Redeeming Childbirth series.
• Exclusive access to the courageous kid’s podcast. Play it for your kids to stir up good discussions.
• Monthly LIVE Q&A with the Tolpins; ask the anything.
• Powerful Biblically minded community.
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All Ministry Resources: becourageousministry.org

Our Courses

• Parenting Mentor Program, self-paced online program that equips you to biblically parent during unprecedented times.
• The Homeschooling Blueprint, the online program to boost your effectiveness & help your kids thrive.
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• Cultivating Biblical Friendships  The course that helps women build lasting Godly friendships.

• Financial Giving, is important to support our family and expand the impact of the ministry. We aim to impact 10 million  legacies. We are in full-time ministry as a large family, so everything makes a difference. 

Thank you for being part of this movement to equip 10 million families and their legacies with Biblical truth to raise confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

• Private Group for Christian Moms with weekly lives with Angie Tolpin
• Weekly podcast Q&A with episode behind the scenes content. Just type in your question!
• Exclusive biblical resources such as the Courageous Marriage and Redeeming Childbirth series.
• Exclusive access to the courageous kid’s podcast. Play it for your kids to stir up good discussions.
• Monthly LIVE Q&A with the Tolpins; ask the anything.
• Powerful Biblically minded community.
• Topic-based discussion groups.
• You get your own profile and can connect with others.
• Growing libraries of LIVE replays

All Ministry Resources: becourageousministry.org

Our Courses

• Parenting Mentor Program, self-paced online program that equips you to biblically parent during unprecedented times.
• The Homeschooling Blueprint, the online program to boost your effectiveness & help your kids thrive.
• Postpartum Course, The First-Ever Christian Postpartum Course.
• Cultivating Biblical Friendships  The course that helps women build lasting Godly friendships.

• Financial Giving, is important to support our family and expand the impact of the ministry. We aim to impact 10 million  legacies. We are in full-time ministry as a large family, so everything makes a difference. 

Thank you for being part of this movement to equip 10 million families and their legacies with Biblical truth to raise confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

• Private Group for Christian Moms with weekly lives with Angie Tolpin
• Weekly podcast Q&A with episode behind the scenes content. Just type in your question!
• Exclusive biblical resources such as the Courageous Marriage and Redeeming Childbirth series.
• Exclusive access to the courageous kid’s podcast. Play it for your kids to stir up good discussions.
• Monthly LIVE Q&A with the Tolpins; ask the anything.
• Powerful Biblically minded community.
• Topic-based discussion groups.
• You get your own profile and can connect with others.
• Growing libraries of LIVE replays

All Ministry Resources: becourageousministry.org

Our Courses

• Parenting Mentor Program, self-paced online program that equips you to biblically parent during unprecedented times.
• The Homeschooling Blueprint, the online program to boost your effectiveness & help your kids thrive.
• Postpartum Course, The First-Ever Christian Postpartum Course.
• Cultivating Biblical Friendships  The course that helps women build lasting Godly friendships.

• Financial Giving, is important to support our family and expand the impact of the ministry. We aim to impact 10 million  legacies. We are in full-time ministry as a large family, so everything makes a difference. 

Thank you for being part of this movement to equip 10 million families and their legacies with Biblical truth to raise confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

Welcome to Courageous Parenting Podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Hi, I’m Angie from Courageous.

Mom and Isaac from Resolute Man Together pursuing the mission to impact 10 million families and their legacies for the Kingdom of God.

We’ve been married for 23 years and are seeing the fruit from raising our nine children biblically. Based on the raw truth found in the Bible.

We can no longer let the culture win the hearts of children, as too many from Christian families are walking away from their faith by the age of 18. And it doesn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t be this way.

We’re praising the Lord. That ministry continues to expand and impact more legacies. We couldn’t do this without you. Whether you pray for us, give us five star reviews, or share on social.

Or even if you purchase courses and merch or join the Be Courageous app community, enjoy the coffee or support financially. We’re so thankful you are a big part of the 10 Million Legacies movement.

If you want access to all the episodes, show notes, and other biblically based resources, go to Be Courageous Ministry.

Org. Join us as we start another important conversation about effective parenting in a fallen world.

Well, thank you so much for joining us today, Helen. We have Helen Smallbone on the podcast today, and we’re excited to talk to you guys about marriage and parenting. And I know that today is going to be an encouraging time because my husband and I just got to watch The Unsung Hero. And so I have a couple questions about your life and just the the way that you were raising your kids. That was just, um, it was a thought provoking movie to watch as a mom. Okay. Yeah. In the sense of, you know, when when we go through life, I think that every parent wants to protect their children from experiencing hardships. There’s just this protective, nurturing element of motherhood, of parenthood where that’s like the gut instinct. But what I saw portrayed in the movie was that you guys were actually transparent. You did something that was countercultural and you brought your children alongside you. And really what I witnessed was discipleship through a life trial and through hard. And so I would love for you to share. What inspired you guys to be transparent? Was that part of your entire parenting journey, or was that a pivotal point in your parenting where you realized, I’m thinking specifically when you guys moved and and you had that meeting together?

Mhm. Mhm. I think it is a foundation of probably who we are in our relationship obviously. Um, in a normal, you know, life, you may not invite kids into that space of where things are and what’s going on. However uh, from um for the majority of the children’s lives, David’s worked from home, which means that you’re in. And it’s been his business. It’s not like he’s been working for somebody. So the kids have been involved in the family business, and I think that sent the precedent for what you see portrayed in the movie, in that he was in Christian music prior when we were in Australia. Uh, it was at a concert that we lost, uh, over a quarter of $1 million in the late 80s, which is a I mean, it’s a lot of money now, but it’s a lot, a lot of money back then. Um, and so we they knew that. They knew we were going. We sold our home, we moved states, uh, we downsized. We sold a lot of stuff trying to pay debt. Um, they were a part of really a lot of it. They would do mail outs for our concert tours. We would go to the tour. We would go to the concerts a lot of times in the local area as family, um, we would put flyers on seats, we would put flyers on cars.

So we were living life together anyway, which is what I sort of feel families are about. I found when we came here and I saw the American culture much more divided. You know, the ten year olds go and the ten year old class, there’s five year olds go, you know, and maybe you’ve got to do it by the number of kids and activities that you’ve got going on. But in Australia it was much more, uh, together. And I found it very hard to actually have everybody divided off into different things. Um, when we came here, after having lost all that money, major life change, we’re moving to America. We’re here. We sort of get settled in our rental home, even though we have no furniture, even though we have no car. It’s just us and our 16 suitcases. Um, we knew all we had really, because so much had been stripped away. We had our culture stripped away. We had had family stripped away. We’d had friends stripped away. All we had was God and each other. And so the togetherness of yesteryear became a necessity because we were under such pressures that to be together now became our lifeline. Really.

Well, it’s really evident in the movie for sure. I know that from my husband and I. We went through a business failure in 2016, and we had, uh, we were at a crossroads of how much do we share with our kids and how much do we not share with them because we don’t want them to worry and freak out. Right. And it wasn’t really something that was modeled or talked about, even in the Christian parenting teaching realm, right? It’s just not something that people like openly will share and say, hey, you should really like this is an opportunity to come together and work as a family. And that was actually what we did, because we are our history is we had lived on, um, a small property, four acres, when the kids were little for ten years, and we had this land and we asked God, how do we what should we do to steward it? What should we grow? And we decided to do a vineyard because it was something that we could plant and work on together. And everybody had their favorites. And so they grew up working together.

So then when we had this loss, we looked at it and we went, you know what? This is a time for us to come together again. And we shared that. But what’s interesting is in sharing that we’ve had a mixed, um, response to how we handle trials, right? Like where there’s some people that go, well, that’s really convicting because that’s I mean, that’s element that’s a huge test of humility, right? To come before your kids and say, hey, our business has gone under and we’re potentially going to foreclose on a home. And like so much of it, when we watched your movie, my husband and I were just were holding hands and he squeezed my hand at that moment, like, sound familiar? You know, but what was inspiring is how your kids all stepped up and everyone was working together. And, you know, the jar in the movie where you said, um, you maybe you want to share about that. And the the other aspect that went along with it was your please and thank you wall that was so touching.

We did not actually have the please and thank you wall. We did not actually physically have the jar as well, but the sentiments were there, if you know what I mean. Like we were literally sitting down and thanking God for what had been. We were literally sitting down and praying for daily needs. We were combining money. It just they visually represented what was going on, but they put a visual to it and the visual is so strong. I mean, they have done such a brilliant job of showing a visual to what was functionally going on in the family. For me, I’m I’m a very open book. We when Rebecca, our daughter Rebecca Saint James during her early career and I’m not exactly sure where she got it from, but there was a quote that she used a lot and she said, where there are no secrets, there are no lies. And I think it’s a really important fundamental statement, life statement where there are no secrets, there are no lies. And I think for us and for me personally, I’m a pretty open book. Like what you see is what you get like, and I think it helps us to keep authenticity. It helps us to live in humility because you are not afraid to say to somebody, kids, whatever, hey, I was wrong, you know, I’m sorry, you know, and it’s practicing those biblical principles. Um, I’m not. So we probably lived very openly anyway. And with regards to whether in struggle you include your children or not because of the pressure. Whatever. They know you’re under pressure. They know you’re under pressure. So if you don’t include them, they’re confused as to what’s going on with mum and dad.

I mean, why is all this happening? Why did they say no to us going on that trip? Why like so to me, it is much better to just lay it all on the table, get it all out. The challenge is, as a parent, then they’re watching you on your how you’re handling it now, because that’s where they gauge their response. If you’re overwhelmed and in tears in your bedroom, well, they’re going to be like, well, something’s really, really wrong. Oh my goodness. And they’ll take on your anxiety. But from my perspective, if we believe that God is in control of all things, all things, the good and the bad, like he’s in control, whether he makes them happen or not, he still sees. He still knows. He’s still allows. Yeah. Whether we understand what he’s doing or not, it’s still a principle that he is in control. Secondly, if we believe that God is with us until the end of the age which Jesus promised before he went up into heaven. Then how can we not accept what comes into our lives? I mean, how can we not look at it and think, okay, God, this is tough. I don’t know what you’re doing here, but you’re going to show something like, you’re going to reveal something about me, about a new direction. Um, you’re going to get my attention through that, like, you know, and you’re looking then as to what he’s doing. And it sets a whole nother premise of hope, of trust. And that’s what I want to portray to my kids.

Well, and I think about what are we preparing our kids for?

Amen. They’re going to have hard times if we protect them through the hard times that we’re facing. They’re not going to be set up to know how to handle hard times when they come to them. The other thing is, I’ve heard of parents who don’t allow kids to ever see conflict between husband and wife and the kids when they’ve grown up, say, I don’t know how to resolve conflict. I’ve never even seen it. Now, to me, that’s not living our lives openly because there will be conflict. Now, do we want to have it all laundered out in front of our kids? No. But they do need to know that we’re real, that we’re human, that we face good times. We face hard times. We face disagreements. We don’t always agree with one another, but we choose to love through the disagreement.

That’s right. That’s where faithfulness is actually pictured to a child, right? They can see a picture of what faithfulness looks like because it’s in their sense. If there’s never any trials and their parents are just always married and always faithful to one another, and then they experience hardship in their marriage and then they think, well, my parents never did this. They can’t understand I’m out because the something’s wrong. Simple. Then it’s we haven’t actually prepared our children for marriage. No.

So from my perspective, to live life openly, to live life with no secrets, I love that. Then. Then you’re allowing total authenticity. You’re allowing realness to be present in your home, to go to your kids and say, no, you can’t go to the skating event. They just think you’re being mean when you say you can’t go to the skating event. We haven’t got the money. Yes. Then they understand. You know what I mean? Like, it’s it’s it’s totally different.

And this is the other thing that one of the things I’ve noticed is kids are more perceptive than we give them credit for. And so. Oh, yes, for the intelligence. But understand that they also deal with lies from the enemy, just like we would. So if we don’t tell them what is actually wrong, but they sense something’s wrong, their little imagination and the enemy’s going to attack them with, oh, they’re just mad at you, or you’re just because you write x, y, z. That’s why you’re not able to go to the ice skating rink or whatever. Yeah, yeah. We’re literally, by not telling them the truth, we’re inviting a foothold for the enemy to deceive them and for it to actually create a harder relationship with our child. You know what I mean? Because he’s totally agree. He’s going to exploit any weakness that we have. Right? And so I want to shift and and talk about marriage for a second, because as far as weakness goes, there was a few moments of weakness that were portrayed in the movie, um, where your husband was wrestling.

Medical freedom is something we all desire, and I think we’d all agree that in the last four years, we’ve really realized just how important it is to have a trusted, like minded doctor.

You should be able to build your medical team and choose who you get care from. Knowing that where you spend your money is a matter of stewardship and a desire to support local Christian medical businesses.

Absolutely. I don’t know about you, but I prefer to help support businesses that have a biblical worldview on life and health.

Here’s the problem more often than not, you have to choose your doctor off a preferred in-network list. And if I’m really honest, those clinics usually see such mass quantities of people that it’s incredibly impersonal and you walk away feeling like a number. In addition, in most cases, in order to be seen by specialists, you’re required to get a referral from a primary care physician, which costs more time and money.

We want to introduce you to a biblical approach to health care Samaritan Ministries. You can find out more about it at Samaritan Ministries. Org forward slash be courageous.

They’re a health sharing ministry built on biblical principles of bearing one another’s burdens practically, financially, through helping with health care costs and spiritually through praying and caring for one another.

Samaritan ministries gives you the freedom you desire to choose your doctors and health care professionals, including. This is cool alternative care providers like chiropractors and naturopathic providers as well.

The process is simple and provides us, as Christians, a way to obey Scripture and care for one another as the larger church.

Samaritan ministries is the only health care sharing ministry with direct member to member sharing.

I love that we send our monthly share directly to another brother or sister in Christ to support someone going through a medical crisis or recovering. From a medical need rather than to some large corporation.

So if you’d like to find out more about Samaritan Ministries, go to Samaritan Ministries. Org forward slash be courageous. That’s Samaritan ministries. Org forward slash be courageous to learn more.

When you sign up don’t forget to tell them that be courageous mystery or Angie and Isaac Tolpin referred you.

The links will also be in our weekly podcast show notes at Be Courageous Ministry.

Org wrestling.

Purpose. He was wrestling with um God with his call on his life. He was wrestling with leading. And so as a wife I know from just even from this ministry, we have so many women that reach out who struggle, who say, how can I encourage my husband to be a spiritual leader? How can I encourage my husband and and help him to know that I believe in him, but encourage him to step forward in faith, to walk out the life that God has for him. I think you’re the perfect person to be asking this. Not because I am and I’m not.

But I because my husband’s always been a believer, you know, like I haven’t, I haven’t now has he stepped. I think there’s some fundamental things here that go beyond just that scenario of how do I support my husband? One is, as women from Eve, we were given a desire to have power and control.

Amen. Yeah.

So we’ve got to be aware of our own weaknesses. So when we see our husbands maybe not stepping up, what do we do? We take over.

Yeah.

And then it makes him sit back even more and think, well, I don’t have to do it. She’s going to do it. So we, you know, there there comes a point of time where you’ve got to be aware of our own weaknesses in that. I think our second weakness as women is we use words too much. If my husband, when he was down and really struggling, I had he used words to say, you’re not providing for us. How did you let us get into this scenario? What are you going to do? How are you going to solve it? I think he would have died. I mean, he would have curled up and died. He nearly does anyway. But he was struggling so much that my words and my belief in him became very important. And I think a lot of times if we can’t say words that are going to, we’ve got to remember as women and wives, your husband and you are on the same team. Yes. You don’t pull down your team. You don’t go to your team and say, how dare you miss that goal? Like, because then they’re going to feel more insecure the next time they go to shoot. They’re going to miss it again. You got to say, hey, you tried real hard. Sorry you missed it, whatever. But you were on a same team. And sometimes I think as husbands and wives, we think we can kick them when they’re down or we can criticize them. You’re criticizing yourself. I mean, you’re pulling down what God has created, which is a oneness. You’re together. You are one. You are on the same team. So I think that’s another fundamental thing. If you can’t think of nice things to say, don’t say anything at all. Keep your mouth shut. My mom used to say to us kids all the time, can’t think of anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all. And I think again, it’s a life principle. We’ve got best keeping your mouth shut. If you can’t think of anything good to say.

Yeah.

No, I think it’s great advice. It reminds me of the scripture. I think it’s Proverbs 3127. She does him good and not harm all the days of her life.

Amen.

And we gotta remember that stuff.

Yes.

And just the basic why were we created? There was a loneliness. God said it was not good for man to be alone. So he created a helper. Is it helpful to speak those? You might call them truths. We’re in this situation, but is that helpful? He already knows about the situation, right? Like he doesn’t need to be told. And so instead, I think that’s one other.

Sorry, I shouldn’t have cut you off. Um, I think there’s one other really important thing. Um, in in in this. Now, I’ve lost my thought. Gosh. Um, where was I going? Um. Um. It’s gone. It’ll come back.

Sorry.

That’s fine. We can always cut it, too. So you’re fine. You know, I think that talking about marriage, there’s this element of, um, team ness, oneness that a lot of people, um, well, especially in Western cultures, I don’t find it as much in other cultures, like the Latino culture. They tend to have even biblical gender roles down more. What I saw in witness, I would love to hear your opinion and if if that was accurate. But what I witnessed was in a time of struggle, financial struggle, you were the wife who remained in your biblical gender role, supporting, believing and managing the home and taking care of the kids and encouraging your husband. You didn’t pull up a side hustle necessarily. Or maybe you did, I don’t know, but from the from the movie it portrays that you didn’t. Right?

And that’s correct.

I think that this what it said to me, and this is one of the things that I think women today struggle with a lot is discontentment with what’s being provided. And just they get fed up in a sense, and then they take matters into their own hands. And there’s this movement of bringing my husband home, so to speak, that people talk about a lot, like I want my husband to retire early, so I’m doing this right. But that does. You and I both know that time is a commodity, and if you spend time doing one thing here, that means you’re not spending time doing something over here with your kids, right? Especially in specific seasons. Can you speak to your experience, what you’ve learned, what your conviction was about that? Um.

Well, my.

Conviction, again, is God’s in control. If, if, if you if your husband isn’t I mean, maybe he’s not stepping up and providing as you can as he should.

I mean, you.

You’ve got to take it to God. I mean, I, I realized that when everything is stripped away. So when we lost everything and we’re starting again with nothing. You have a lot of choices, I suppose, but you that some going to be very destructive and some may be helpful. But I realize that my phone. You realize what your foundation of your home is, and I’m very thankful that both David and I grew up in Christian homes, where it was modeled a healthy Christian marriage. And I realized too, in that time, and I probably didn’t know it before, but my foundation was in Jesus, not in my husband. So when my husband failed, in a way Jesus was still there. I could trust him. So even when, um, David was feeling weak, I wasn’t putting my faith in David. I was putting my faith in God like he’s going to provide for us. He’s going to care for us to live simply. It’s sometimes beautiful. I mean, I’ve had some of the nicest times, like the kids were sleeping on the floor when we first arrived. We treated it as an adventure. Kids are so malleable. They they are taking their cues from us as parents, but they’re so malleable. I mean, they just they just go with the flow, you know? And frankly, when we lived so closely together with them, there were times as parents when we might have been more overwhelmed, and it was the kids who encouraged us. It’s going to be okay, mom. You know, even in the movie where they’re praying for things to be cheap and the child is the one who puts the pieces together and realize by coupons, God had made everything cheap. And he takes the the wanted nor the needed note and puts it in the thank you. The parents hadn’t realized that. I hadn’t realized that in the movie as the mom, the child realized it. And so sometimes we need our kids to actually encourage us when we’re feeling a little overwhelmed and they’re like, mom, God’s got this. And you’re like, yeah, he does like the faith.

Like a child.

Having faith like a child.

We’re all challenging that.

Hey there. We just wanted to invite you to join us in the next Parenting Mentor program, where we talk more about the heart of parenting in session two. So take a listen to this next little clip and we hope you join us.

Steven, I realize that we were getting too comfortable with the world’s vision of how to raise our children.

What Angie and Isaac have done in creating this is literally phenomenal.

This program provided awesome scripture based teachings and just some really great practical applications.

This class has just really rocked my world.

It has given me the vision for not just the different things that we might focus on as parents who are trying to raise our kids biblically, like how our kids are behaving or what we’re doing with discipline, but also the things of the heart.

We now have a game plan to how we want to raise our children. We have so many answers to the questions that have been in our mind.

It’s not just these hypothetical situations or it’s not just this. Here’s what I think you should do. It’s let me show you where in Scripture this is.

Do your legacy a favor and yourself a favor and just do it.

One of the best things that we’ve done this year, one of the best investments we’ve made this year. And I could not recommend it more.

We’re no longer fearing dark days ahead, but we’re so excited to raise lights to be leaders for the next generation.

It’s a beautiful image. Resiliency is another topic that I kind of grabbed as watching. And today, in today’s culture and the world and all the things that we see, there are a lot of moms that are overwhelmed and worried about the world their kids are launching into. And there is a need for us, realistically, to raise resilient children for the world, right? With trusting God. Like you were just saying.

Um.

What is your word to moms who are scared of launching their kids? And what was something God taught you about resilience? And because I see it, it’s a theme throughout that.

The theme is probably more from David. David’s actually pretty resilient. Um, he in a way, the so in a movie, you have to have an antagonist and a protagonist. So they have to choose how the story is going to be portrayed when they’re scriptwriting. They chose David to be the antagonist. So he’s the one who’s overwhelmed, struggling, and he was. But they took his internal feelings and made them more external. David, by nature, is more of an optimist than what he was ever portrayed in the movie. Um, I was portrayed the protagonist. There was a certain strength in me. Yes, it was probably there. He may have portrayed me a little more, you know.

Stronger than.

Good, stronger maybe than I was, or definitely what I was feeling. Um, but I didn’t feel that it was, I feel like.

Um.

I feel like those were my core issues too. Like like not issues my core, like I do feel in my core, I was strong. How you live that out day by day. Uh, you know, that’s another thing. I think we, as in our current culture, are struggling to trust God. I really think that’s the core of it because, again, God sees us. He knows us. He knows what we’re going through. He knows what our needs are. He promises to be with us. So everything comes back to our response to where we’re at. And I personally can’t I can’t reconcile having a negative attitude on life, on my circumstances or anything, because then we’re denying that Jesus is with us and we’re denying that he’s going to care for us. We’ve got to look on the positive. As Christians. We’ve got to look on the positive. We’ve got to look for the hand of Jesus. We’ve got to look for where he’s leading us, and he is leading us. He is there. It’s just we don’t often open our eyes. We get so overwhelmed by what our circumstances are that we forget to see him anymore. So my encouragement to to to wives, to people who are struggling look for Jesus because he’s there. You just don’t let your circumstances overwhelm you enough that you don’t see him and you don’t trust him anymore.

That’s true. When you were saying that, it actually reminds me of the importance of what we just talked about regarding having faith like a child, and the importance of allowing your children to come together and to be aware of what’s going on, because sometimes adults need their kids to remind them of the good things, like you were saying with the coupon, just. Yeah. For the coupons, right? Yeah, yeah. Like it sometimes as adults. That’s why God and he knows this. That’s why he tells us to have faith like a child. Right. And so what is the best way to have faith like a child? To be challenged by sitting with a child who has faith to asking your children to pray for you to pray together? I mean, my husband used to we would sit around the table and we had a blessing chart. Actually, we did dry erase boards. So a different version. Yeah. When we were going through hard things, we would write down all the things that we were thankful for because the, the hard things were so big that we needed something to remind us and to be thankful. Because Philippians four talks about be thankful in all circumstances. Pray. Yeah. With Thanksgiving. Yeah.

Yeah, right.

That’s the equation, is that we pray in all circumstances with Thanksgiving though. But when you’re in the midst of hardship, you’re not necessarily looking for what to be thankful for.

Mm.

I think the importance of living life with Thanksgiving is one is really allowing. It’s making you see God. It’s making you look for God. It’s making you appreciate, um, that God has you here for a reason. Um, and then once you. And it helps you release your hands, I a lot of times think we as adults, we we we take too much, we hold it and it overwhelms us. And we can’t see beyond it because our fists are, like, up in front of our face and we’re holding it, and we can’t see beyond that. What I feel like praise and worship and thanksgiving does is it makes us open our hands and let the things go. And once we open our hands, that’s when we see God. Um, and I think it’s just a life principle for every single one of us to just keep a loose rein on our lives, uh, and and submit everything to him. Pray before, like, should I be doing this? Pray about it. Not I want this. So I’m going to do this. Should you be wanting that? Is that a God thing that you should be wanting? Should you be taking that job like have you prayed about it? Has God opened this opportunity for you? Or are we taking control of our own lives and just dragging God along, hoping that he blesses what we want? I don’t know, it’s something each of us have to ask ourselves. We do.

Are we looking? Are we asking the right question? God’s will versus God’s will for my life, right? So many people are seeking for God’s will for their own life. Instead of looking for what God’s will is and joining him in that work.

That’s correct, that’s correct.

So there were two quotes in the movie that really hit us. I know that, um, my husband, he kind of nudged me a couple times where grandpa said to your husband, be a man, my son. Um, and in that moment, like, we, we just kind of whispered, it’s so like, just to see his response and see the change. I mean, the acting was so wonderful, right? Like to see that, like, oh, yeah, I’m going to be a man kind of stand up straight. Um, that’s what we need more of in this culture is men calling out manhood in their sons.

Right.

And that is actually a quote I don’t know if, you know, it’s a quote from the poem if by Rudyard Kipling, really. And for whatever reason, I was not aware of this, but my nephew knew he lived close to David’s father and, um, he apparently must have learnt this poem if as a school kid and he’s got now his grandchildren growing up and he’s got some grandsons near him, and he would quote parts of that poem to his grandkids at appropriate times. So it was very real to not necessarily our kids experience and my experience, but to, um, David’s brother’s kids experience. And they brought that into the movie. There’s another quote that’s right near there that comes from grandpa, which is, I think, a strong theme for the movie. And he says, your children aren’t in the way. Your family is not in the way. They are the way. Yeah. And I first up, I did not necessarily understand one where the quote came from because I don’t believe it did come from grandpa. And then secondly, what it really meant. But I went to Joel, who helped write the script and directed helped direct the movie with the the the other script writer and director, Richie Ramsay.

And I asked him where it came from, and he said, Richie came up with it. And Richie’s a dad of five kids. And I went to Richie and said, where did you get the code from? And he said, well, I actually listened to a podcast by a Catholic priest, and I think it came from there. And it stuck out to me, and I thought it would be really good to include in this movie because it’s such a strong family statement. And I said to him, so what do you really what do you what did you take from that? Like that statement? What were you thinking? That it was how it was, what it was meaning. And it came back that the meaning, the way that I feel it’s been taken anyway, is that a lot of times we think as parents, our family is in the way, you know, you hear parents saying, I can’t wait for the kids to get out of the home.

Yeah, they’re.

In the way. I can’t oh, we’re going to have to get a new car. Just expense. I mean, we’ve always got these expenses. They’re in the way. Um, we’re going to need a bigger home because everybody’s got to have their own room. I don’t agree with that philosophy, but they’re in the way, you know. So so I’m seeing parents looking at kids as a burden that they’re carrying, and they’re in the way they’re loading me down. They’re making me heavy. I’ve got to, you know, it’s just hard. Your family is the way and it’s a whole different ball game. And I think that’s where I. I am so encouraged by the movie because when your family is the way it’s saying, that’s the legacy that you’re leaving. That’s where you know, your as you pour into your kids, they are then going to pour out. And I just think it’s such a strong statement that each of us, as parents and in families, need to sit back and look at our own attitudes. And are we seeing our family as in the way, or are we seeing our family as the way? Because culture is made up of families and as Christians, if we’re not raising strong kids who can impact culture, then culture will fall.

Oh, you are preaching to the choir, I love this. Thank you so much. I love it. Um, let’s end on one thing. The very last statement. At the end of the movie, it says, if you want to change the world, go home and love your family.

Yeah, from Mother Teresa.

And I just, I, I think that if we all really reflected on what that means to love your family. That’s the first step. I know a lot of people who want to change the world, who want to have impact on the world. And, um. For Isaac and I, this podcast kind of fell in our lap, and it’s just a ministry that we’re able to do on our time that works with our family and our kids do it with us. A lot of the time we have a kids.

Class.

And it’s become something that has been a way to model for them what it looks like to be evangelistic, to share the word, to to live a biblical life and encourage other people and be a part of the body of Christ, be a member of it. Right. In that sense, and using gifts. And I’m thankful for it. But for us, family comes first. Like we will never sacrifice family for ministry. And I think that sometimes in the Christian world, because people, they their intentions are right, they just love God and they want to serve him. But in the process, they can get distracted and even justify the work that they do in ministry because it’s for God leaving their families in the background. Yeah. You didn’t do that, though, and that’s evident in a sense, by the closeness of your family. When I was I’m actually visiting my mom in Oregon right now, and when I was flying here, I listened to your daughter’s podcast interview with her brothers, Joel and Luke, right there.

For King and Country.

And hearing them talk and being able to sense their relationship a little bit by their their conversations, by their laughter, by the things they were sharing. Obviously, a lot of what they’re sharing, they learned from you guys and they gave credit to you guys. And it and I think that, um, I know from listening to that podcast, your daughter mentioned something about mum life and a ministry that you have. Could you just hear at the end of the podcast, share with people where they can find you, maybe even about the book that you wrote? Yeah.

Yeah. Um, I.

Think that.

So.

About ten years ago, um, God led me into a mentoring mum’s ministry. Um, and I found my place, in a way. And God’s used that to grow me because I’m really a behind the scenes person. I’m not really. You know, it was okay to encourage the kids to get out on a stage, but I definitely don’t want to be there. My most comfortable place is, uh, on our little farm, being outside, experiencing nature like it’s just to do all this sort of stuff is, is a bit foreign to who I really am, however I do. And so God led me on a gentle path of being a mentor to younger mums. And it was a ministry then called Mum to Mum. Um, and then we decided we would take it. We’d sort of ventured a little bit away from the mum to mum model, and we realised that we’d established sort of a new model and so we ended up setting up a ministry called Mum Life and where the mum in mum life is mothers, uplifting mothers and I just feel that that is the model, that is the biblical model. We are the older women that come alongside the younger women and encourage them on their journey to love their husbands, love their children and that’s what we do at Mum Life.

And we got about, I think 5 or 6 years ago, we had the opportunity to then step into a podcast area and we were on Access more. And so it’s called Mum Life Community and it’s where we are come both as a group of younger mums, with me as the senior mum and then a group of senior mums being interviewed by a younger mum on our experience on specific subjects and it’s very strong, you know, it really, it’s really encouraging mums to do what they do as you know, as best as they can. Be intentional. Yeah. Um, and then with my book, um, when we’ve shared our story over the years, people come back and they’re like, oh gosh, you guys need to write a book. Those stories are just amazing. And so for ages we were all like, yeah, maybe one day. And just living life. And then, um, about three years ago, um, I was sharing another story to a couple of people and they said, gosh, you need to write a book. And for whatever reason, God just changed me. And I’m like, yep, it’s time. I, um. And so I went to Dave and I said, just find me a book publishing deal.

The book came out, uh, probably nine months later, and the book is called Behind the Lights, and it’s a memoir. It’s my memoir. And the the the sub line is the extraordinary adventure of a mum and her family. And that’s what we’ve been given. We’ve been given an extraordinary adventure. Uh, you know, Jeremiah 2911 says, For God knows the plans that he has for you. They’re plans to prosper you, to give you hope and a future, not to harm you. And I think that’s what he’s done for us. He had plans. We knew nothing about that. He had to put us through hard times. He had to refine us. He had to take us in a new direction. He had to teach us. But he has done more than we could ever have asked. Imagined. So my My life verse these days is Ephesians 320. And I paraphrase my Bible verse because my brain would go like out the window. But Ephesians 320, paraphrased by me, is, uh, God can do much, much more than anything that we could ask or even imagine through his strength and for his glory. And I’m a living witness that God takes our simple lives and he does extraordinary things through them.

Well, thank you so much, Helen Smallbone, for joining us today on the Courageous Parenting Podcast. Um, I hope we can have you back again someday. It’s really fun.

Thank you. All right. Thank you.

Hey, thanks for listening. And being a part of the 10 Million Legacies movement, go to be Courageous ministry. Org, for more biblically based resources, ways to switch where you spend your money that support the mission and information about the incredible Be Courageous app community for believers.

Also, we wanted to quickly tell you about our six week online Parenting Mentor program.

Isaac and I created a powerful biblical curriculum. Here’s how it works. Each week, we release a video session with a downloadable parenting packet to make it easy for you to incorporate those teachings directly into your parenting.

This is an incredible, self-paced program. We cover everything from tending to their hearts, handling obedience to overcoming mistakes most Christians are making. But more than that, it’s a supportive community. You’ll have access to our private group in the Courageous app. Live webcast, and direct access to us.

If you’re interested in joining our next online Parenting Mentor program, secure your spot now at Be Courageous Ministry. Org that’s Be Courageous Ministry org.

• Private Group for Christian Moms with weekly lives with Angie Tolpin
• Weekly podcast Q&A with episode behind the scenes content. Just type in your question!
• Exclusive biblical resources such as the Courageous Marriage and Redeeming Childbirth series.
• Exclusive access to the courageous kid’s podcast. Play it for your kids to stir up good discussions.
• Monthly LIVE Q&A with the Tolpins; ask the anything.
• Powerful Biblically minded community.
• Topic-based discussion groups.
• You get your own profile and can connect with others.
• Growing libraries of LIVE replays

All Ministry Resources: becourageousministry.org

Our Courses

• Parenting Mentor Program, self-paced online program that equips you to biblically parent during unprecedented times.
• The Homeschooling Blueprint, the online program to boost your effectiveness & help your kids thrive.
• Postpartum Course, The First-Ever Christian Postpartum Course.
• Cultivating Biblical Friendships  The course that helps women build lasting Godly friendships.

• Financial Giving, is important to support our family and expand the impact of the ministry. We aim to impact 10 million  legacies. We are in full-time ministry as a large family, so everything makes a difference. 

Thank you for being part of this movement to equip 10 million families and their legacies with Biblical truth to raise confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

• Private Group for Christian Moms with weekly lives with Angie Tolpin
• Weekly podcast Q&A with episode behind the scenes content. Just type in your question!
• Exclusive biblical resources such as the Courageous Marriage and Redeeming Childbirth series.
• Exclusive access to the courageous kid’s podcast. Play it for your kids to stir up good discussions.
• Monthly LIVE Q&A with the Tolpins; ask the anything.
• Powerful Biblically minded community.
• Topic-based discussion groups.
• You get your own profile and can connect with others.
• Growing libraries of LIVE replays

All Ministry Resources: becourageousministry.org

Our Courses

• Parenting Mentor Program, self-paced online program that equips you to biblically parent during unprecedented times.
• The Homeschooling Blueprint, the online program to boost your effectiveness & help your kids thrive.
• Postpartum Course, The First-Ever Christian Postpartum Course.
• Cultivating Biblical Friendships  The course that helps women build lasting Godly friendships.

• Financial Giving, is important to support our family and expand the impact of the ministry. We aim to impact 10 million  legacies. We are in full-time ministry as a large family, so everything makes a difference. 

Thank you for being part of this movement to equip 10 million families and their legacies with Biblical truth to raise confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

Welcome to Courageous Parenting Podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Hi, I’m Angie from Courageous.

Mom and Isaac from Resolute Man Together pursuing the mission to impact 10 million families and their legacies for the Kingdom of God.

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Org. Join us as we start another important conversation about effective parenting in a fallen world. Welcome to the podcast. Today we’re talking about tending to your marriage.

Hi guys. We’re so glad you’re here. Thank you so much for listening. And, you know, I’m just so grateful. I’m really grateful that we have some really loyal listeners. Absolutely. It’s been it’s an encouragement to us. We love seeing your comments and reviews on Apple. And wherever you listen, of course, you can always find all of the notes at Be Courageous Ministry. Org right or courageous? Parenting.com also has the episodes and the blog posts that go with every single one of these episodes. And you guys, you’re going to want to go look at the notes because there’s doo doo doo doo. Seven Bible verses that we’re going to talk about today. Oh, wow.

Okay. And it’s going to be a quick episode too.

That’s right. We’re going to keep it short and sweet and to the point but powerful.

Well, you know, it’s so important to, uh, really have humility in your marriage. And especially, you know, the Bible says, guys, we’re supposed to lead our families, and that’s a servant leadership. You’ve heard me talk about that before, but it really takes humility. And I would encourage you gents to go listen to the Resolute Man podcast. I just gave you three questions to ask your wives, one of which is going to take a lot of courage to do so. I’ve already got feedback from people that have actually done it, from listening to the episode and experienced fruitfulness in their marriage already. It just came out. That’s right.

So but it’s all about humility because it’s the first thing that we want to talk to you guys about today, which is being willing to say, hey, how can I be a better wife? And the guys would.

Ask, how can I.

Be a better husband? How can I lead better? Was the specific question in there, because leadership is kind of a scary word for some people. Uh, maybe you’re not a natural leader. Maybe, uh, you know, you’re learning how to lead, and especially even someone who’s a natural leader out there in the workforce or in sports and these kinds of things. For some reason, when it comes to family, it isn’t as natural for us guys. Now, some of you might say, well, actually it’s pretty natural for me, but I think you’re rare. If that’s you, you’re rare. It’s not it. It’s not natural. And frankly, it wasn’t natural for me. It took thinking about it. It took intentionality. And frankly, it takes me rejecting the inner passivity inside me to do what I don’t feel like doing in the moment, which is opening my Bible and reading it, even though I know half the people probably won’t listen. And it’s it’s it’s because they’re little and it can get discouraging, right? Or to actually engage in a conversation and go deeper versus just kind of get back to my agenda. It’s not easy now in marriage. It’s not easy either. It’s not easy to take your bride’s hand in humility and pray together and lead in that way.

Um, it’s.

Not easy to do.

That. And, you know, we want to start out in Scripture. So first Corinthians 13 is one of those Scripture verses on love that’s used in a lot of weddings. You’ve officiated weddings, and this is sometimes a verse that you’ve used, but honestly, you go into other scriptures, which I always love, but this is a very common one. Love is patient and kind. Love does not envy or boast. It is not arrogant or rude. So what is it? It’s humility. If it’s not arrogant and rude, right? It does not insist on its own way. So that means it’s selfless. It’s not irritable or resentful. Okay, so that means it’s forgiving. If it’s not resentful, right? It does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. A lot of marriages end and they stop being loving. Yeah, and a lot of marriages need to be tended. Like if you were tending a garden, for example, it’s a daily thing that you have to do with your garden, or your plants will die. They’ll either wither up because they have no water, or they’ll get eaten by pests and bugs, and the enemy will come in and destroy or weeds and sin will start sprouting up and choke out the plants. We see this in the parable of the sower. There’s warnings, and obviously we can only give glory to God for any fruit that is in our marriage, because he’s the one that brings the increase. But what does it say? In the Bible? It says that Apollos planted. I did the watering. God brought the increase, right? We see that in first Corinthians. So again, you guys, here we are talking about tending your marriage. It requires daily work.

Now in an argument. It definitely takes humility because you can insist on being right or your opinions the best, or whatever the case may be. But are you doing that at the sacrifice of your marriage? Are you doing that at the sacrifice of your relationship? Uh, the peace in your home of the ability to get to what is most important that you guys get to together and being a team? See, being right isn’t the answer. Your relationship is the answer. And if you’re willing to let go of being right, you’re going to have a fruit, a more fruitful marriage.

You know, it is hard, though, to be willing to invite criticism. Yeah. And that’s really what we’re asking you guys. If there was any homework, this would be the homework, right. Like to to go and ask if it’s hard for you to verbally ask. Or maybe you’re scared of what the answer is going to be. If you were to say, hey, is there anything I could be better at? Or are you happy in our marriage? Or is there something we need to work on? If. Those are scary questions to you. Write them. Write them in a letter. Give them to your spouse if you’re scared. And then pray and and just lean into the Lord and I will tell you, you can’t change another person, but you can change yourself. And that changing yourself can change your marriage. And so if there is something you’re unhappy with, being humble and being willing to ask is really, truly like the best anecdote in humility.

I’m sorry. Yeah. Humility. Yeah. Humility breeds more humility. So if you’re if you’re hoping that your spouse asks you the question, how can I lead better? How can I be a better wife? Whatever it is, um, depending who’s asking, then maybe you ask first, because that could lead into them participating and it might take some days or whatever, but it could lead into that. And so sometimes, although men are leaders of their families, women have so much influence, unbelievable influence. And one of the ways to have influence is to initiate what you want reciprocated back to you.

Yeah, I really it’s interesting when you think about humility. It’s like it really is a heart work that you have to do in order to get to a place where you can ask a hard question like that and receive it. Um, and that can be kind of like it’s a hard thing to do. It’s doing hard things, actually, to ask those kinds of questions. Um, and, you know, it’s interesting, I think that if you were to take the analogy of gardening again to another, that’s like doing the hard work of tilling the soil and getting the soil ready to receive the crop and the seeds and the water and the work. And we have to do that work in our marriage. We have to tend them. We have to be willing to dig deep. We have to be willing to be transparent, to confess sins, to ask for forgiveness. All those things are can be really hard in marriage. But can I just say, if you can’t do that in your marriage, then likely you’re not doing it in your relationship with God and other people.

If you’re first.

John really tells us that.

Just the thought came to my mind if, um, if your marriage looks different than how it looks on Sunday at church, then there’s a problem.

Yeah, no, it’s really good.

Okay, let’s go to point two. Bam! We’re hitting this hard.

Selflessness so important, I think of the vineyard when I think of selflessness. Like to be to be selfless. It takes being being willing to be pruned. It takes willing to drop really good things so that the other person can do really good things. So, you know, like in the vineyard, when you grow the grapes, you have to cut half of it off, so all the energy goes into other, otherwise it won’t be, none of the fruit will be good. And so maybe there’s too much too many things going on, too much busyness, or maybe you’re too busy and you’re not allowing your spouse to be able to do what they need, or.

You’re being selfish with your time.

Or their things.

So it takes your agenda. So what needs.

To be pruned out so that there’s more space to be generous with? Time to be selfless.

That’s so good.

You know, when it God’s word actually talks to both men and women on this topic of selflessness. And so I’m going to share two verses with you wives. And then Isaac’s going to share verse with the guys. Um, Genesis 218 I just, I think it’s important that we have perspective on what our roles are in marriage and what our one of our purposes. I said one of our purposes, because we have many in this life and as believers. But in marriage, within marriage, what do we see in Genesis chapter two verse 18, it says, then the Lord God said, it’s not good that the man should be alone. I will make a helper fit for him. We are called to be helpers to our husbands, and so selflessness actually is the epitome of helping helping your spouse. And so ask yourself, do I help my spouse? Does he ever ask me for help? If he doesn’t ask you for help, then maybe that needs to be part of your critique and exhortation question and go, hey, I noticed you don’t really ask me for help very often. Is that because you think I’m too busy like you were just talking about? Because I can carve out time and I will stop what I’m doing to help you. Because I realize that that’s one of my first jurisdicao sins as a Christian wife.

And like, that’s huge. When your heart changes and you recognize what what God made you for, like, God literally made Eve because he said it was bad for Adam to be alone. Then if we flip forward, woo! All the way to Proverbs 31 verse 12, it says, so this is talking about like, who can find an excellent wife, right, a virtuous wife? And then you go down to verse 12, it says, she does him good. It’s talking about her husband who an excellent wife who can find in verse ten, verse 12, she does him good and not harm all the days of her life, not half the days of her life, not a portion of the days of her life, all the days of her life. Like that’s super convicting for any wife. This is another call for selflessness. She does him good, not harm. What would do good to your husband? What are ways that you could serve him that are going to do him good, not harm? It’s kind of like when you’re in the garden and you’re evaluating, okay, what is the most important work I do? Right? Now? Is it weeding? Is it fertilizing? Is it watering? Is it pruning? What is the most important work you need to get done today in your marriage? That’s that’s a powerful question.

Well, it’s hard.

To be selfless if you’re agitated. So if you’re agitated, if there’s a bitter root or there’s unforgiveness in your marriage, it’s pretty hard to be selfless. However, God can help you with that. God can help you to be loving and selfless, even when the natural self, the the flesh feels like the other person doesn’t deserve your support, doesn’t deserve your selflessness. But really, what are you tearing apart with or not? You’re not that you’re tearing it apart, but what are you contributing to? You’re you’re. When you’re not selfless, even though you’re agitated, you’re contributing to to becoming one, not being so much one. Right?

You’re being an individual.

And having an independent spirit and working against each other versus together.

Yeah.

Ephesians 528 five. Right. Is it 520?

It’s 25 through 28. Yeah. Okay.

The board said something different, so I know.

So sorry. That’s all.

Right. Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle, or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one has ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes it and cherishes it just as Christ does the church. I think of, you know, what’s a really powerful, awesome thing that guys do? And they’re really a lot of guys are really into it is fitness, right? And physique and making sure they’re strong and they’re making sure they get their workouts in and and their drink, their drinking, their protein shakes in the right, uh, balanced vitamins and so forth. And my challenge for you, while all that’s good, my challenge for you is that same energy put in to your wife’s health.

It’s so.

True. I mean, if you love your wife as if it was your own body, you would be.

That’s what made me think. Time for.

Oh. Oh, welcome to the farm. That’s Jehoshaphat right at the window, watching us and screaming.

That’s great.

Fantastic.

Oh, okay. Welcome to the.

Farm. That’s right.

So anyway. Yeah. No, I totally agree with you. I think of, um, there’s this other verse that you were going to share also in Colossians 319. Um, but before you share it, yeah, I just wanted to share something, the verse that you were, the passage you were just sharing that goes along with this next scripture there really. I mean, they they give you insight into God’s bird’s eye view of how he understands marriage relationships. Right? Because he’s literally he’s giving commands, he’s giving exhortations, get giving instructions to husbands and how to treat their wives and how not to treat their wives. Why would he even put it in there if he knew it wasn’t going to be a temptation for a man to to not do that?

Yeah, right.

Because obviously men can be harsh sometimes if I’m reading into this correctly, right? Maybe not.

Or impatient.

Impatient every single. But, you know, I think that impatient harsh it says right here, uh, verse 19, husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. I think that one of the things that the impatience comes out and sometimes we can be harsh is, well, some of us are in business environments, and business environments are harsh, and we need to not take that. We shouldn’t be harsh in business. I’m not saying that, but that can rub off on us.

World is harsh.

The world is harsh and harsh.

During the day you come home.

You come home and.

You have to be gentle with your wives. We cannot take that in with our relationship with our wives. Also, women have way more words to say, and some women have like, you know, they’re naturally just want to really explain something. So one thing, one tip I’ll give you is really good acknowledgements. Otherwise some wives, maybe not yours, but some will want to keep explaining because they don’t believe you’re listening. And so if you aren’t an active listener with the non-verbals and hums and all these eye contact and all these things, you’re looking at your phone or something like that, your wife is likely to talk even more. I know I’ve experienced that, and so I have learned to give her undivided attention, because then it’s easier for me to be patient. It’s easy for me not to get harsh because I’m getting the gist in a shorter amount of time, which I absolutely love.

I would say that.

I mean, for those of you who want a bird’s eye view into our marriage, I haven’t ever experienced Isaac really being harsh with me. And it’s interesting that people think of words when they think of harshness. Yeah, like when we when we read that verse, don’t you think like, oh, husbands, like, be careful with how you’re talking to your wife. Don’t be harsh with them verbally. But actually, there could be ways that men are being harsh with their wives that are nonverbal. And I’m not talking about like, physical abuse, although that could be a problem for some people. I even think about being harsh. As far as your expectations, do you expect your wife to have a perfect home and perfect kids and get all of your things done? And then do you portray a disappointment when she hasn’t gotten something done, or when the food’s not good? Like, that’s kind of harsh when someone is doing their best and they feel like they can’t measure up.

Oh, and it’s almost an attitude.

I honestly have not had this attitude, but I’ve seen it.

I’ve heard about other men, that’s why.

Which is an attitude of almost like you. They don’t have enough to do. Like there’s not a that they’re.

Not, they don’t have efficient or.

Productive. Because if they were I mean, you’re just at home and this thing isn’t done. There’s no there’s not an understanding for the full breadth of what women do. And I think that can lead into agitation if someone doesn’t have that into nitpicking small things. Not finished. And I think that, wow, I mean, I’ve learned, I’ve learned because she’s been on bed rest before what she actually does. And it is, uh, remarkable.

Hey there. We just wanted to invite you to join us in the next Parenting Mentor program, where we talk more about the heart of parenting in session two. So take a listen to this next little clip, and we hope you join us.

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You know, I think, too, there’s an element of harshness around like bodies and women struggle with body image. And if a husband is, like verbally discontent with the way his wife looks, for example, and he like nitpicks, why are you eating that? Or you shouldn’t eat that, or, you know, like, um, even when she’s like working out, going, well, did you do this? Well, did you do that or, um, not being willing to, like, help her to buy new clothes if she doesn’t fit in her clothes? Like being nitpicky. And that could be harsh. That could be considered harsh. So if any of these things are things that you’ve struggled with in your marriage and you’re listening and you’re just, like, starting to weep at this moment, I just my heart goes out to you and I after this podcast, I’m going to be praying for my sisters in Christ who may be. This particular section of the podcast is like hitting a nerve in their heart. Um, because this is. But I do want to encourage you to go to one another like the Bible has laid out instructions. Um, we know that in regards to offenses, because we’re going to talk about forgiveness next in regards to offenses the Bible say in Proverbs, it’s to a man’s glory to overlook an offense.

But then there’s also Matthew 18 if a brother has offended you to go to them in person without talking to other people, so no gossip involved. This like you go to your spouse. If they don’t listen, then you take another person and if they still don’t listen, then you go to like your pastor and you bring them and you get marriage counseling or whatever, right? But this is the thing. Like, you need to go to your spouse with the offense and say, hey, I felt like when you said this, it was kind of harsh or I’ve been feeling like I’m not fulfilling your expectations of a wife or, or is there, you know, like, maybe I’m not good enough for you, or do you wish you didn’t marry me? Like, I imagine, like the sadness that some of some women may be listening are feeling those things, and those are like that. Those are things that can destroy a marriage. You got to tend to those fears and those lies and those feelings.

I have a couple thoughts I have to share. One is if you have not cultivated your relationship deep enough in your marriage, then it just becomes about physical. And if it’s only about physical, then that’s not going to last. It’s going to. And so you have to invest. You have to spend time together and invest because all of our bodies are deteriorating. We can do a good job of keeping the Holy Temple going. But, you know, certain.

Cells.

Are deteriorating as you get older. And so it’s got to be about much more than that. The other thing is, if husbands are really nitpicky about their wives looks and things like that, it might. Isn’t always, but it might be a pornography problem. And now it’s a very unfair competition because here your wife has had children. Uh, all of these things doing the best they can. Real, uh. And then porn is not real. Even if it was real people. They’re making edits and all these things, and now there’s AI and all these things. So it’s an unfair competition. It’s sin and it’s adultery. Uh, and it’s very, very wrong because now it’s even if the wife doesn’t know it, it’s causing her to be on a unfair treadmill of trying to please her husband when there’s this wrong competition happening, when there should be no competition at all.

It’s interesting that you you jumped into this. This is that’s the fourth we’re going to talk about forgiveness. But maybe let’s just switch and talk about forgiveness after we talk about investing in your relationship, because you actually use that terminology and you’re talking about intimacy and pornography, which is also on our list of investing in your relationship, tending your marriage. We can’t have this conversation without talking about intimacy. We can’t have that conversation without looking at some scriptures that are challenging. They’re actually kind of challenging for marriages. Right? So, um, first Corinthians chapter seven, verse three. This is a hard one for people to hear. But hey, if you argue with this, you’re just arguing with the Bible, not Angie. Okay, I’m just going to read the Oracle of God right here. It says the husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband, for the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does likewise. The husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except for perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer, but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self control. Now, as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as myself. So he was like single, right? But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.

What do you think about this topic of I hear this out there sometimes. Someone said this as a guest on my podcast, which is that sometimes women will use, uh, intimacy as leverage, as manipulation and withhold it, uh, for, uh, to influence.

Yeah, I think that I know for a fact because I’ve talked to women who have struggled with this.

Okay.

It for sure is a thing. I think that, um, if it’s happening on a regular basis, then that means that the foundation is that the husband’s actually not leading in that marriage and actually, um, pursuing or initiating the intimacy he’s waiting for his wife to because he’s either been rejected multiple times or he does. He’s never been the initiator, in which case the wife has been not the spiritual leader, but the intimacy leader, in which case, then the husband is just waiting for her to initiate, when in reality God has made the husband the head of the family. And so recognizing the right biblical roles within gender actually affects the marriage bed.

Yeah.

Which is a really powerful thing, like for husbands to realize. And then if they initiate and they get rejected, then it’s like, okay, we need to talk about.

This or.

Some. Sometimes you have to live with your wife in an understanding way too. Sometimes that rejection isn’t rejection, it’s just that she’s dealing with something. She had a baby three weeks ago. Or, you know, there’s there’s all kinds of things that we have.

Where she’s struggling with.

Body image, which.

We have to live in.

She is struggling with body image. Wouldn’t it be helpful for the husband to know that so that he can start speaking the powerful, life giving words over her? Oh, you’re beautiful and like on a regular basis throughout the time and like being able to invest in the time alone as a married couple, to be able to talk about those things and get her the help she needs, if she needs help. Right. And like, I think that really all of this goes under actually the topic of investing in your relationship and having those really dug deep, hard conversations, which again, tending a garden is so similar because when you’re like rototilling ground, yeah, you have to dig deep to moisten up the soil so that the roots of the transplanting plants can go in and actually be fruitful and get big and luscious. Otherwise, if they hit rocks and they hit weeds and they hit stumps, they’re not going to grow. Right. And so, like having these hard conversations is the digging deep in your marriage. It’s like you’re turning over soil, you’re turning over sin. You’re turning over things and finding oh my goodness, look at that root that was there. Are you kidding me? That prevents us from being able to go deeper, like finding out about trauma. You know, I’ve heard of even pastors who have confessed, like, 15 years into their marriage, they found out that their wife had suffered rape way before they were married. Like and like that is digging deep, though, and continuing to invest in your marriage. You don’t just like court a woman, get married and then take each other for granted, right? Like you have to keep tending to your marriage to make it grow.

I just was thinking, you know, we have the six session merit courageous marriage, um, series in the app getting the Be Courageous app because outside of the app, that thing would be a couple hundred dollars if we’re charging for like our courses, but it’s free in the app with so much resource in there. Sometimes I think it gets taken for granted. But there’s a session called oneness, which is an hour, which just is a must go through as a.

Married couple because it’s more.

Than intimacy. But intimacy is truly like a physical reflection of what is or isn’t there.

Yeah, on a.

Spiritual level and a oneness of heart, mind and soul. In addition, it’s really powerful. But we have another, um, you know, as far as intimacy goes, Hebrews chapter 13, verse four.

Good one. All right.

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled. For God will judge the sexual, sexually immoral, and adulterous.

Yeah.

I just think that, you know, realizing you were talking about pornography and how that can be I mean, that is sin. Like you said, that’s adultery. That is very painful when a wife finds out about that. Right. Um, but there’s pain even before that, because I think both men and women know when they’re sin happening in a marriage before they know. You know what I mean? Like, you can sense it. There’s a body language. There’s the lack thereof. Body language or eye contact. There’s the there’s all of those things. And a wife will, like, deny it. Oh, he’s maybe not able to make eye contact with me for some other reason. Right. And they’ll think of other things because they want to avoid the truth of maybe what the problem is. And I just want to say, if this is something that you suspect is a problem within your marriage, pray, ask hard questions. Dig deep. Have encouraged your husband to get help seeking a pastor. If you don’t have a church, or if he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to someone that he knows in person, like reach out even to Isaac. Like you’re going to be meeting and help. You’ve helped with a lot of men over the.

Years with this.

Yeah, if someone’s interested, resolute Mancom, there’s a work with me section and it’s it’s beyond just working with me. There’s three different paths that are now possible. This is really new. I would encourage you to go look at it. And even if it’s not the pornography thing, but you just want excellence in your leadership with your home and even business. But and really, you know, what is the redefining having it all? It is most importantly a thriving marriage, a thriving family, and your legacy continuing of faith. That is the most important thing. And too many people sacrifice that. They let their ambitions sacrifice the most important missions. They get distracted. They get derailed by the enemy through things like pornography and so forth. So yeah, definitely take a look there and you can even schedule a free short call with me to see if it’s a good fit.

Yeah, I love that. I just wanted to make sure that people knew that that was a resource. That is it’s coming and it’s you can find out more about it at resolute. Man.com. Right. Isaac.

Yeah it’s there. Yeah.

Okay. So you know, this topic of, um, investing in your relationship, it really you can’t omit the word time you already mentioned. Like, are you too busy with your own agenda that you don’t have time and you’re not being selfless. You’re being selfish with your time. But it really takes intentionality of carving out time to spend time together and tending your marriage so that you if you want to have a thriving marriage 50 years down the road, 60 years down the road, whatever. Like you cannot have that without tending your marriage. Tending your marriage requires time. It’s the most important ingredient.

Right.

Like it’s it’s unavoidable that you will have to carve out time. And what you do with that time is also important, right? We’re not talking about going and just always going and seeing a movie and not not talking. That’s not like the date night of of choice. Like that’s not gonna cut it. As far as tending your marriage. You need to invest in your spouse. Yeah. And that requires all of the things that we’ve been talking about today. But this is not this is really a reflection of if you take each other for granted or not, if you’re thinking, oh, it’s too expensive to get a babysitter, then you just don’t get it. You’re literally like, you’re that’s just like the craziest excuse I’ve ever heard in my life. You can have date night ins and invest time with your spouse. You can stop, I don’t know, doing your hobbies of golf or video games or whatever you’re doing. That’s not stuff my husband does, but, um.

I do like.

Golf. I just haven’t had time because I have a busy life.

Yes.

No, I get it, but I can’t even. Yeah, the whole point is that, like, if you have your priorities straight, when you’re in busy, busy seasons, you’re going to be investing in what’s most important first. And as a leader in your marriage, for men like that is the best investment that you can give, because then your wife is more likely going to want to be the selfless one that is doing good, not harm all the days of her life.

Right? All right.

A lack of forgiveness is not forgiving part of you, part of your team.

Right? Because you’re one.

So just think about that for a second. So it is important to forgive. And if you’re harboring something yes you may need to talk about it. You need to, uh, have lengthy conversations. But ultimately forgiveness is essential for a thriving marriage. There is no thriving marriage. There is no growing stronger if there’s a bitter root and there’s a lack of forgiveness. So that is such a wedge that will just grow in a negative way. You’ve got to get rid of it. And the only way is real forgiveness.

I kind of think that forgiveness is like. It’s so. If time is like water and investing in your marriage, then forgiveness is like weeding. Because sins are kind of like weed, right? And forgiveness is like weeding in the sense of like you’re taking time to forgive and you’re you’re getting rid of it. You’re literally like, goodbye. All the bad things. Goodbye forgiving. Right. And it it’s a necessity. Otherwise what happens? We saw in the parable of the sower I was just talking about in the heart of the home. This morning, we did a Bible study on where where love grows in your home. And, and we talked briefly about the parable of the sower. And within that parable, um, in Matthew 13, you can go look it up. It’s important that we recognize that, like when you don’t tend something and you leave the weeds, they can choke out the plant. And so if we aren’t having forgiveness, guess what happens to your marriage? Your marriage gets choked out like it’s required. You have to do.

It and you.

Are hurting your own relationship with God. Let’s look at that. Um. Our closeness. How about closeness with God? Right. Uh, let’s Mark 1125, it says, and whenever you stand praying, forgive if you have anything against anyone, so that your father also who is in heaven, may forgive you your trespasses.

Wow. So that.

So that means that if you don’t, what would happen?

So if you’re not hearing from God, if you’re feeling like you’re alone and you’re praying, but you’re not feeling that connection with God, maybe you could ask yourself, is there any lack of forgiveness for anybody? Could be another girlfriend or something like that to, uh, or, uh, a guy friend. One of the gents has. I mean, if you have a lack of forgiveness, something happened in business, things like that. There’s things I’ve had to forgive, really significant things. And I’m so thankful that I have God because he gave me the strength to truly forgive things.

We want to end this podcast with a little verse, a little little passage in Colossians chapter three, verse 12, um, through 14 or 16 here it says, put on then as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility like humility, humility, meekness, and patience bearing with one another that’s having understanding with one another. And if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all, these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs with thanksgiving in your hearts. And whatever you do in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Hey, it’s so important that we have thriving marriages. We’re living in unprecedented times. There’s threats against your family. There’s people that, uh, may even be praying against your marriage. Can you believe that? There may even be people praying against you that happens. There’s, uh, all kinds of demonic forces out there. There’s spiritual warfare. But you know what’s true? We have an all loving, way more powerful God that’s in control, that loves you, loves your marriage, loves your kids, wants to be involved, and we just need to be surrendered. We need to not have any lack of forgiveness. We need to make sure we we’re not having any unbelief, and that we’re leaning into the Lord and we’re walking strong. And the only way we can do that is if we’re in the word. If you’re not in the Word of God, you’re going to start deviating. You’re going to start having a challenge of forgiving your spouse and others. And if you really want to be strong, if you really want to hedge a protection over your family, you’ve got to cooperate. If you’re not cooperating with the Lord, then you might be blocking him from protecting your family and using you in your marriage in the way that needs to be done, so that your marriage goes to a new level of thriving so that it can be a witness and glorify God in this uncertain times, in this crazy world that we’re living in. And we don’t have to have any fear at all because we have the Almighty God. So whatever your situation is right now, get on your knees, pray about it, and ask the Lord for wisdom. Ask godly people for wisdom. Get the help you need. But most importantly, lean on the Lord.

That’s right. Amen. We’ll see you next time. Hey, thanks for listening and being a part of the 10 Million Legacies movement, go to Be Courageous Ministry. Org for more biblically based resources, ways to switch where you spend your money that support the mission and information about the incredible Be Courageous app community for believers.

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Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

Welcome to Courageous Parenting Podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Hi, I’m Angie from Courageous.

Mom and Isaac from Resolute Man Together pursuing the mission to impact 10 million families and their legacies for the Kingdom of God.

We’ve been married for 23 years and are seeing the fruit from raising our nine children biblically. Based on the raw truth found in the Bible.

We can no longer let the culture win the hearts of children, as too many from Christian families are walking away from their faith by the age of 18. And it doesn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t be this way.

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Or even if you purchase courses and merch or join the Be Courageous app community, enjoy the coffee or support financially. We’re so thankful you are a big part of the 10 Million Legacies movement.

If you want access to all the episodes, show notes, and other biblically based resources, go to Be Courageous Ministry.

Org. Join us as we start another important conversation about effective parenting in a fallen world. Welcome to the show.

Hey, guys.

So glad you’re here. Behavior is a symptom of the heart. So important to talk about the heart.

Well, and I think with parenting, what most parents struggle with is their kids behavior. Yeah.

That’s true.

That’s like the number one thing is that people are like, I don’t know why they do this or they won’t do that. What would the.

World in your home look like if there was perfect behavior?

I don’t even think that’s a good temptation to give a parent.

I think God started out that way with his people as the father. That’s true. But something happened in the garden.

Yeah, yeah. Well, today we are going to dive into this big topic. You know, we actually go over this topic really in depth in the Parenting Mentor program. And we’ll probably share some of those things that we teach in there with you guys today, which I’m very excited about because this is one of the biggest, um, most relevant topics. I believe that all parents share, regardless of how old their kids are at, you know what I mean? What season of life their kids are at or how old they are. Um, and so we’re really excited to go through about six different scriptures that we have with you guys as we’re going to be diving in today. Um, so the problem that we’re going to be talking about is behavior. And then hopefully we can encourage you guys with some encouragements.

And we are going to be heavy on encouraging for sure. But one thing I can tell you for sure is that humans are still humans, and there’s nothing that’s going to fix behavior because we live in a fallen world. But there are things that help it.

And I think that this is really one of the most beautiful biblical topics because like we say all the time, sin when we’re when we’re dealing with sin or when sin erupts or sin is an issue in the heart, it’s an opportunity for pointing our kids back to Christ, pointing them to the gospel, pointing them to the Word of God, and helping them to understand what true forgiveness is. Right? And so, um, really, that is at the heart of what we’re going to be talking about today, because while you can’t change your kids heart, God can.

And so that’s I mean, we’re motivated as parents, aren’t we? The to point our children to Christ? Don’t we want to know the best ways to do that and be reminded and encouraged? Don’t we need encouragement to do that? That’s one of our goals with the podcast is encouragement is like just a reminder, a shot in the arm weekly to be courageous and do the hard things that involve pointing our children to Christ. Why do you say hard things? Because it takes time. It takes patience. It takes slowing down the moment and getting, you know, eye level with them. And it takes a lot of different things that, you know, are hard in the moment to do. But the accumulation of them is, you know, hopefully that they embrace God as their Savior. And that’s the ultimate goal, right? And, you know, but sometimes in the moment we just want them to obey us. And I get that. I feel that way sometimes. But really that opportunity is golden. That opportunity, if you shift your mindset, Andrew was talking about to the opportunity before you that it’s an opportunity to actually help them see that their sin and to help them understand what Jesus did and to pray together after you’ve, you know, solved the, you know, you obviously consequences and so forth after you’ve done that, but you’re praying together and you’re pointing them to Christ. That’s so beautiful.

You know, it’s interesting too, is that you’re it’s a legacy. What you’re doing is a legacy. So either we say this all the time, you’re leaving a legacy, whether you’re being intentional or unintentional with your legacy. So if your child has bad behavior, let’s just call it bad behavior. And let’s just say there’s a spectrum of what could be bad behavior, right? Everything from selfish, um, rudeness and disrespect and losing temper to, um, voluntarily lying or cheating or stealing. Right. There’s so many things that could be under the title of bad behavior. Um, but here’s the deal. When it comes down to it. We are modeling for our children how they should be parenting when they’re older, and if we are losing our tempers and we’re yelling and we’re getting exasperated, that is something that is also going to potentially be a legacy that our kids struggle with also. And that’s why we say you’re leaving a legacy, whether you’re intentional and you’re purposefully surrendering to the Lord over and over and over again. And when you do mess up, because you will, most parents, like we’re none of us are perfect. You still have the opportunity for it to be a redemptive experience by humbly apologizing and saying you’re sorry for it, right? Um, and that’s really the beauty of Christianity. That’s why we all need Jesus, because otherwise there’s pride in the place, and there’s never a need for apology or different things when you think you’re always right. And so I just want to encourage you guys that today. Yes, we’re talking about bad behavior.

And yes, you might be thinking of your children. This is a parenting podcast. But sometimes us adults need a good like kick in the pants and be kind of scolded in a way of saying, hey, you’re having bad behavior too, and who’s holding you accountable, right? And I just, I think about how we only really get parenting in our life for the first 20% of our life, because that’s about how long kids live with their their families is 20% of their life. So think about yourself. If you only live 20% of your life with your parents, and let’s say they were biblical parents and they were correcting your and they were pointing out sin that they saw and they were looking at the behavior. And let’s say they were recognizing it was a heart sin issue, and they were calling it, you have a spirit of pride. You have a spirit of selfishness. This is and they’re doing sin diagnosis. Well, okay. Let’s just say that was your experience. The reality is, is ever since that first 20% of your life, unless you have that kind of exhausting relationship in your marriage, you’re most likely not receiving continued training. That’s actually considered the training. And we know that the Bible tells us to train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it. But the truth is, is that we’re all human, and we all struggle with the temptation to sin at times. And so and of.

Course, you know, Angie and I love it when we hold each other accountable. And it’s just like, oh, thank you, honey. I didn’t notice that. That’s wonderful.

We were just talking about this. I go, no human likes being corrected like, ever.

No, it takes a bit. It takes a little bit sometimes for us. You know, we talk to each other about things. Yes. And, you know, the defenses can arise. But, you know, it’s really important that we do talk. That’s courageous. Right. You need to talk to each other about things, even if you know it’s going to take you longer because the other person’s not going to want to hear it, and then you have to talk it out and so forth. But that is sharpening what marriages need to sharpen each other. It’s super important, you know. Have I ever gotten angry at my children? Yes. You know, when they’re disobeying. Yes, I have, you know, uh, have you probably have I ever, um, lost self control? You know, not to a point of hurting anybody, but yes, I’ve like, emotionally. Yes. You know, it’s. And so it’s really important to, you know, think about yourself for a second and go, well, how can I improve? We don’t have to be perfect. We don’t have to feel guilty listening to this. We just go, Lord, help me. Help me to do this in a better way. Help me do this in a more productive way. Help me to be example of what I want my children to be for my grandchildren someday. Help me to be godly. Help me to have self control, and to have a spirit of love and compassion, but also understanding the importance of correction, but doing it in a loving way. And I think that is so important.

Oh, I thought that was beautifully said. I think that a lot of parents I know that you and I were talking about this before, how it’s hard for people to receive correction. Think about your little kids, right? Like they’re in a they’re potentially in a boot camp in a sense of like being told, no, don’t do it this way. Do it this way. Nope. That’s wrong. This is right. Or, you know, like, if you think about it, um, all like when you’re teaching them all the things you’re teaching them and, and I think that there is an element of parenting where we as parents need to not be correcting all the little nitpicky things, um, so that when there is a real heart issue and we’re able to correct it, they don’t feel like they’re they’re constantly doing everything wrong. Right. And so there’s also this element of like closing off a child’s heart to be able to receive correction if they’re getting over corrected all the time, or they can never do anything right. And, and I think that, you know, with those kids, I think of that verse in Colossians 321 that says, fathers do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. Um, the discouragement that’s a that’s a sign of where a kid’s heart is at. They can get discouraged if it’s just constantly pointing out their mistakes, their sins, their wrongdoing, their bad behavior, and you’re not ever pointing. Now the good things that they’re doing. One. But also, are you two critical? Are you expecting perfection? And if you are, that’s something that you as a parent need to intentionally repent of and allow some grace in your home, you know, and some grace in your parenting. So anyway, thank you guys so much for joining us today. We’re very excited. We have like two main points that we’re going to be going over today. Um, but first we just want to say thank you. Yeah.

Thanks for being part of the 10 Million Legacies movement. All resources are at Be Courageous ministry. Org specific blogs for each podcast episode are courageous Parenting.com. You can also learn more about the Parenting Mentor program there. And you can also find all resources and everything. And we so appreciate every time someone posts or shares or writes comments. That helps the algorithms get things out there. Subscribing to the YouTube channel, all of that stuff is so important. That’s, uh, be courageous on YouTube.

Awesome. Okay, so let’s dive in. So obviously we have a couple verses that we wanted to share with you guys in regards to the heart and what we’re talking about today. The first one is in Jeremiah 17 nine says, the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick. Who can understand it? I, the Lord, search the heart and test the mind.

The world wants to say, follow your heart, listen to your heart. And we have to be careful with that, especially as children get older. If you have littles right now and you’re listening, hey, someday those littles are going to be older and the world’s going to tell them to trust your heart, to follow your heart, to do what’s best for you. Your heart tell you it’s all this. And that leads into the moral relativism that’s pervasive in our society, even amongst Christian young people. This is this onslaught is going to be heavy. And so if you have not trained up your children to be in the word and walking in biblical truth, to allow their heart to be tempered by what’s true and to be, to have a teachable heart and to allow parents to speak in their lives, then that’s going to be a challenge down the road.

I mean, it’s huge. What are the two most popular messages you just said? One which is follow your heart. Was your heart telling you and the other one is my truth versus the truth and understanding. Hold on. Understanding. Oh my goodness that there are two perspectives or more for every. Experience. Yeah, right. Like for someone to just say, oh yeah, and and this person blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, that’s that one person’s experience of what happened, right? And there’s always two sides to the coin. And so understanding that and walking with grace is incredibly important. But we need to teach our kids to actually be seeking of truth, not of feelings, not of opinions, not of what feels good at the time or what is going to fulfill selfish desires. Right. And you know, it’s easier when your kids are littler and at home. Yes, I just said that. I remember older moms. They used to say, oh, you’ll you’ll look back on these days with so much fondness, it’s so much easier. And I used to go, don’t tell me that because it was so it felt like it was hard being at home alone with like five little kids under seven. And and there was so much joy and so much happiness and so many dance parties, so many dress up dance parties. Yes, it was great, but a lot of physical work for mom during the day. Um, lot of cleaning up, a lot of helping kids to understand what emotional self-control was, trying to teach them that correction, correction, correction a lot.

And that can be it. We call it the trenches for a reason. Right? But the truth is, is if you do that really well, then when they’re preteens and they’re teens, they have like they’re used to. And you have cultivated a kind of relationship where they understand, without understanding that it’s Mom and Dad’s job to point out to them when they’re saying something wrong or doing something wrong and to hold them accountable. Yeah. Um, because if you’re parenting biblically and we talk more about this in the Parenting Mentor program in the obedience section, which is an hour long teaching, but if you’re parenting biblically, you’re going to be pointing them towards the Lord. Every time you discipline where you’re saying, listen, mommy has to correct you. We have to have this conversation. I know it’s not fun to talk about what you just did, but we have to have this conversation because if we don’t, then I’m being disobedient to God. And to show your kids that you are being obedient to God’s Word and what he’s commanded you to in discipline and consequences and XYZ. And if you say that over and over and over and over again, then by the time they’re 12, they’ve like caught it, right, Isaac? Like they get, oh, Mom and dad are having this conversation because they love me and because God told them they have to.

It’s so true. And as they get older, it’s still important to do that. It’s still important. Your job is to correct things that are amiss so that they don’t go down a path that is dangerous or leads them to ungodliness and these kinds of things. But we have to be careful. We have to be creative. We have to think about who my son has become, who my daughter has become, and think about how they communicate and how we communicate and really be artful in the communication. So it’s received. We can’t just come across the same way every time with the younger middles and olders. We have to adjust because as children mature, we have to change our approach a little bit so that they’re feeling the respect of who they are, while at the same time we’re able to articulate what we need to say.

Mhm. And you’re building a slightly growing relationship I don’t like to say different relationship, but your relationship is growing right. It’s changing a little bit as they get older and that can be an exciting thing. But it can also be really hard for a lot of parents. And um it’s different for each kid I think based upon where their heart’s at with the Lord. Actually, that’s the biggest, biggest decision factor as far as like, hey, are the pre-teen years or the teenage years hard or not? Like, it’s really, truly, where’s your kid’s heart with Jesus? Um, but I want to just share this verse that Isaac brought to my attention. It’s in Proverbs 1513. It says, A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is crushed. Wow. And so when we see we’re talking about behavior. Right. And and this is specifically talking about a countenance a face, the person’s like, um, are they downcast? Are they happy and cheerful. Are they. What are they write? A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but a sorrow of the heart. The spirit is crushed. And so recognizing. Like what? Your child, where your child’s heart is at. It can change even within like a couple minutes. Especially in years where maybe, um, they’re little and sleeping affects their their attitude, right? Or their face, or if they’re hungry and they have low blood sugar.

I like to call that BS. If they are struggling with that, that can affect their cheerful face or not. When they’re older, hormones can affect their their countenance. Right. And so how a person feels inside does actually affect them. But a heart is really what it’s saying here. The heart, if the heart is glad it affects their face, it’s a reflection. The whole point is that you can see outward reflection of the heart on a person’s face. What we’re saying today is that outward behavior is a reflection of what’s in a person’s heart, saying the exact same thing that the Bible is saying. So when we see our kids struggling with a specific sin, we need to be honest about like, okay, so where’s their heart at with God? Where’s their heart at with this specific sin? If they’re struggling with jealousy, for example, it’s like. Wow. You need to really consider that and prayerfully think about how am I going to talk to my child about this when I see envy and jealousy, and maybe you see other things in addition because of that, like their identity in in Christ being not solid and struggling with how they look on the outside. And there’s so many things this competitive comparison trap, discontentment can all stem from spirit of jealousy.

And so recognizing and being able to diagnose the sin is really like the first part. That’s really important for parents to help children with, regardless of what age they are. And if you do this like often with your kids, when they’re little, what you’re doing is you’re teaching them how to search their own heart, which is really beautiful. Um, and we talk about this a lot more in the very first session in the Parenting Mentor program, where we go over biblical vocabulary and how to diagnose sin in a sense, because that really is one of the main jobs of a parent when they’re parenting. And then as their kids get older, you hope that they are searching their own heart and they’re diagnosing and they’re repenting and verbally saying, no, you know, spirit of pride, you have no place here. I command you to leave in Jesus name, right? Like I think of that John Waller song that’s so powerful, so powerful. And when you teach your kids how to do that, then there’s more like transparency within themselves of recognizing, I’m not always perfect, I make mistakes. God, I’m going to walk before you. I know you see everything in my heart and I can’t hide from you. So I need help with this, right?

I think people want to know, okay, what do I do? My children are disobedient and what do I do?

Well, obviously, I think the first thing that we have to acknowledge is prayer. Yeah, the power of prayer, because we can’t change our kids, um, we can encourage them in the right way, but we can’t make their heart change. Only God can do that. Right? Um, in fact, there’s a verse here in Ezekiel 3626 that I want to read to you guys because it it talks about the specifically and I so God is speaking here in verse 25. He’s saying, I will take you from nations to gather from all other countries and bring you into your own land. I’ll sprinkle clean water on you. So he’s cleansing his people, right? I’ll clean you from your uncleanliness and from all your idols. I will cleanse you, and I will give you a new heart and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And then just. And I will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes, and be careful to obey my rules. And it’s just it’s such a beautiful scripture because it’s God that’s doing it. It’s not like it’s not any patriarch doing that for their children. It’s God is doing this in his people, and it’s a heart surgery.

It reminds me of like in a work environment, a a boss that is authoritarian and everybody is quick to do things correctly because they don’t want to let the boss down and they want to keep their job. And there’s a little bit of fear involved. Right? And then you have another kind of leader that leads, actually leads, doesn’t manage. They lead and they lead with inspiring words. They definitely correct. But the but the same environment, the employees want to do a good job, but they want to do a good job for the work’s sake because they care about the whole they’re not just looking out for themselves, but they care about the whole company, and they care about contributing, and they care about their comrades, and they care about their leaders. And because they know their leaders care about them, and they have grace for them sometimes. And sometimes they do need to talk to them about things, but when they do, it’s well received. And I think that that’s, you know, what kind of parent are you becoming? Because whatever trend line you’re on, you become more of that as you parent more. And so we sometimes have to recalibrate and go, hey, you know, I need to make an adjustment here and make sure I’m leading, not just micromanaging, not just forcing, not just using my authority to get what I want in the moment. Because what do you really want? You want your children’s hearts. You can get a household to obey you, but it doesn’t mean you have their hearts in its short terme. If you want short tum fixes, focus just on the behavior. If you want long terme, um, abundance, fruitfulness in your legacy, you got to focus on the heart, right?

That’s right. But in the meantime, dishes and laundry do have to get done at times. And I think that that’s really the hard part, right? Like you can’t just say no to all of it over and over and over again. Um, instead you, you know, leadership. I think of those times when my kids had the best attitude for things, um, as far as getting things done went right. And, and the leadership included something like, um, you know, talking to them about the importance of stewardship. The things that God gave us, giving them perspective and then, okay, this is what we’re going to do today. Let’s get it done. Team. You guys ready? Yeah. Okay. Let’s go. Um, versus just life happening and then in the moment going, hey, I need you to clean your room today. And then coming back a few hours later and they still haven’t done it. Why haven’t you cleaned your room? Oh, I will, okay, but what are you doing right now? Have you guys had this conversation before? Um. Or maybe you say clean your room and they’re like, I did, and you’re looking around and you’re going, this isn’t a very good standard of cleanliness. I need to change. We we need to work. We need to work. And then you come in with a critical eye and you see what I’m saying? Like, there’s a different there’s there’s a different approach in both where the first one you’re going through and you’re giving clear expectations about what’s going to happen.

You prep them with them understanding, hey, we’re going to do this because we need to work together as a family. And when we do this, then we’ll have freed up time to be able to do the things that we enjoy doing. So let’s do this. You guys in? Yeah. Yeah okay. Let’s go. You know, you’re like rallying the team to do the things that we need to do versus command man. Now, I do think that there are times when you have to tell your kids, don’t don’t go across the street, stop. And there might be a car coming, right? And you shout and you go stop. And they need to be able to literally hear Mom and Dad’s voice and obey. And that is an important aspect of parenting as well. And, and and when you have a disobedient child, you may be less likely to even want to go out in public simply because you may be over feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, and anxious because you are struggling with seeing your kids show fruitfulness of obedience in the home to where you’re like, if I go out in public, what is it going to be like? And if that is where you’re at, I just want to encourage you that God gave you the jurisdiction to both discipline and disciple your children, both discipline and disciple your children.

He gave you the jurisdiction to teach your children. He gave you the jurisdiction of how to prepare them, how to equip them, how to teach them about the world, to teach them a biblical worldview. He gave you the jurisdiction to teach them God’s commands. Do you know, he says that over and over and over again all throughout Scripture and the most transforming Scripture that ever impacted my life? In fact, it’s like the foundational scripture for the The Parenting Mentor program, foundational scripture for the Courageous Marriage series, which is in the Be Courageous app. It’s free. It’s a six hours of of series. Is this verse love the Lord your God with your whole heart, mind, soul, and strength. And then love your neighbor as yourself, heart, mind, soul, and strength. We’re talking about the heart and a lot of people. I was thinking about different, um, even denominations within the Christian church and how some of them are known for loving God more with their mind. Mhm. And not with their soul or their heart or their body. Right. They’re just they’re all about only studying knowledge. Knowledge base only. But God commands us. It’s the first and most important commandment.

Jesus said to love the Lord your God with your whole heart, mind, soul and strength, which is physical, which is being willing to practice hospitality with strangers. Give generously to other people. It’s willing to raise your hands and and bow your knees physically before the Lord. It’s all those things. It’s. And and as Christians, when we’re raising our children, teaching them to love the Lord your God with your whole heart, soul, mind, and strength, one when you do that, it changes your kids and they copy you. I have a two year old that raises his hands when he worships. Why? Because he sees mommy doing it. He sees dad doing it like that is what they learn when they’re little. But this is the thing. If it comes to correction and your prideful and your spouse is like, oh, hey, listen, no, don’t talk about that right now or, or hey, I think you’re you’re getting too intense right now. Maybe you should take a time out. I’ll take care of this. Your kids might see that. Mhm. And it’s good for them to see that because that’s appropriate modeling of biblical marriage teamwork and and recognizing that we struggle with sin at times too. We struggle with getting tempted to get frustrated at times just like every other human. And we need Jesus now.

Children need to be corrected and you need to follow through with them consistently. And there’s a lot of talk about that out in the Christian community. Differing opinions about things. And what I’ll say is we’ll ask you a question first. Do you believe in the spiritual law of sowing and reaping? And you’re going to say, well, yeah, because it’s in the Bible. And then you go and then think about, okay, when your children are young in your home, um, you’re protecting them, right? You’re protecting them from the world, from harm, these kinds of things, especially when they’re little. Right? They start experiencing more, um, sowing and reaping on their own when they get older while they’re still in your home. But let’s talk about littles for a second. Um, you pretty much have insulated them from harm, you know? So God uses parents so that children learn the spiritual law of sowing and reaping, and it’s really important. And if you’re not following through on that, they’re growing up a little bent in the wrong direction.

They’re not going to be prepared.

They’re not prepared to understand that you reap what you sow, and that it’s important to be obedient to authority that God puts in your life. And that’s really, really important. I love this verse in John 15. It’s one of my favorites, and it says every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away. And every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. So God has put parents in a role to to help do his work, to prune children so that they bear more fruit. That is one of your jobs. You’re a pruner, and when you prune a plant. We were just out pruning trees on Saturday. We had a little date night, uh, pruning trees together and.

Pruning.

Blackberries. Actually, that tree I’m looking at right now was totally crooked and growing on the ground. That’s what made me think of this. And I had to straighten.

Shoved over by.

Elk. I had to I had to straighten it, and I had to put stakes in the ground and then tie it off, which was probably painful for the tree. But I know what’s best for it. I know that if I left it on the ground like that, it was going to die and get trampled and these kinds of things, but if I can straighten it, it’s going to be more fruitful. And then Angie’s got the really sharp pruning shears and she’s cutting, cutting.

Cutting, cutting, cutting only 20%, you know, only 20%.

And I’m like, you know, that tree probably doesn’t feel comfortable right there, but now it’s going to bear more fruit in terms of apples. And what we’re talking about with the Bible is talking about here. Is spiritual fruit useful for God, a life that glorifies the father? Well, he put parents in charge of his little people. And our job is to help them understand the spiritual law of sowing and reaping in a consistent fashion while they’re young, so that they can operate well. Right. What’s what’s the Scripture? Obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right so that life will go well with you. I think I may live.

Long in the land. Thank you, Lord, thy God have giveth.

I knew I got that last part. Thank you. That last part is key. We don’t want to just say the first part. That last part is key. What’s the why? It’s so for fruitfulness, right. So remind your children of that. And I think that. When there’s disobedience and we’re just quick fixing, we’re not spending the time to teach them the why, to talk about Jesus, to pray with them. And yes, they need to be corrected, but they need to be corrected in a way that actually is biblical, which is pursuing their heart. Mhm.

Hey there. We just wanted to invite you to join us in the next Parenting Mentor program, where we talk more about the heart of parenting in session two. So take a listen to this next little clip and we hope you join us.

Steve and I realized that we were getting too comfortable with the world’s vision of how to raise our children.

What Angie and Isaac have done in creating this is literally phenomenal.

This program provided awesome scripture based teachings and just some really great practical applications.

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It has given me the vision for not just the different things that we might focus on as parents who are trying to raise our kids biblically, like how our kids are behaving or what we’re doing with discipline, but also the things of the heart.

We now have a game plan to how we want to raise our children. We have so many answers to the questions that have been in our mind.

It’s not just these hypothetical situations or it’s not just this. Here’s what I think you should do. It’s let me show you where in Scripture this is.

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One of the best things that we’ve done this year, one of the best investments we’ve made this year. And I could not recommend it more.

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And the heart of pointing them towards the only person, only one who can actually help them to overcome the temptation to sin again in that way. Right. Which is the Lord. And I think that, you know, as we’re going through this section, like truly understanding you can’t change your child’s heart literally changes the experience of correcting the child, because if you’re going in there expecting them to yield to you and you are harsh. I’ve seen this happen with parents. They will literally discourage their child’s heart. They’ll their child’s heart will start to close off to them. And then what? When that when the parent comes. We’ve had this happen so many times where the parents will come to us later and they’ll talk and they’ll I don’t know why, I don’t know why they’re not listening or this and that. And a lot of it, it can be a few different things. It can be either that that was their experience as a child and that parent needs to chase after their heart. Or it could be that they are. They have a hardened heart towards the Lord and they haven’t fully accepted him. And so they don’t have a changed heart. And so it’s but regardless, the point is, is that the behavior and the tension and what you’re experiencing or seeing in their life is always a reflection of the heart. And so recognizing that changes everything. You’re not just trying to get them to change and stop doing the thing they’re doing and start doing something different. That’s very surface level parenting. What’s heart level parenting is understanding. Okay, obviously this kid that just hit that kid that there were boundaries crossed, he’s struggling with anger in his heart. We need to get to the bottom of this. And instead of just trying to get the apology and then move on, it’s okay. Having the conversation depending on the age of the kid, how long it is, right? Because short is best, especially with the littler they are, the shorter the better. Um, but then coming back to it and in in good peaceful time reading scriptures that are going to speak to that child’s heart.

It’s a little cue that later today we’re going to read scripture about anger and not being angry.

It’s like you change what book you’re reading before nap time, or you change what devotional you’re doing, or you shelf that that biblical Bible curriculum that you’re using with your kids, and you get a a Bible devotional that’s talking about that specific heart issue, or you just look up Bible verses in the concordance, which is what I do, and then you just start going over that with your kids. Here’s the deal, though, is like it’s leadership of your child’s heart. That’s that’s the NFL. What it is. It’s not either urging your behavior actions. Your heart. I’m going to lead your heart because your heart is deceitful above all things, which is what the Bible says. And right now you’re walking in sin, not biblically. You’re not obeying God’s commands, and you’re just beside yourself.

So go through the day and be thinking, where’s my child’s heart at? And be paying attention with a new lens the entire day. So when you see skirmishes, you see disobedience. You see these things, you’re going to handle it. You’re going to go do biblical discipline, but you’re also going to be like, okay, where’s the heart at? Okay, this is where the heart at. And then married couples talk together so they can be a team. Hey, I think Johnny’s heart is here. Here’s some an issue that we have. I wanted you to know so you could be praying. You can also support me if you see anything. And we can work together on this. And do you have any ideas? That’s teamwork. That’s talking. That’s why Angie and I talk so much is because we’re talking about these kinds of things, not only we talk about all kinds of things. What’s happening in the world? Oh, yeah, theology, doctrine, fun things, all kinds of things. All kinds of things. But but this is part of it. And it’s important to have those conversations. And, husbands, I want to exhort you to listen to your wives to care. Uh, it doesn’t matter how tired you are. Doesn’t matter what time you have to wake up in the morning. The most important thing is this it actually is. Now we got to provide all those things, but we got to trust God with that. And we’ve got to spend the time talking to our wives and listening to them and understanding these things and getting.

The Intel so that you can really be a good leader in your home when you are home with your kids and even when you’re away. Can I just say like, prayer is so undervalued today, and if you know that you’re you have a son or that’s struggling with being respectful of mom, for example, be praying for him all day long before you leave. Say, son, I’m praying for you that you and your mom get along good today. Leave them a post-it note on his pillow. If you leave before work, there’s literally there. I just want to say there’s no excuses like to to lead in leading your family and for the women. While I love your encouragement to the men like yes, you want to provide and you want to protect and you want to do this, but this is really most important. Women. Yes, you want to manage your homes? Yes. You want to cook good healthy food? Yes. You want to XYZ educate your kids. But this the heart is actually the most important thing. And when we make an idol out of those other things, whether it’s education or activities or church going on.

Vacation with how the home looks and all these things, those.

Are all things that we make into idols. And I’m telling you, you will sow what you reap or you will reap what you sow. You will reap what you sow. Because if you put all of your energy into those things which are surface level, importance wise to the eternal thing of the heart, you’re going to reap it. But here’s the thing too. As your kids are getting older, you may be thinking, okay, lead their heart. This is a great solution that makes sense. We got to lead their hearts scripturally. That’s part of this. The thing that you can do to help, you can pray for your kids. But what about Isaac? What about in those relationships where the kids don’t respond to your leadership?

Oh, that’s a really good question. If the first thing I think about is, what can I change? Actually, um, because my experience in leadership is that, um, if something’s not working, I don’t change who I am, but I might need to change the words I use, the approach I use. I might have to think through the interactions and know what’s going to work right now. You know, maybe I have to shift gears and and, you know, maybe they need their heart full and they just need more time with dad. Um, before I before I talk about something, it.

Reminds me of that quote. I think it was from the movie. Remember the Titans attitude reflects leadership. Mhm. That is true. Like even within families if you think about it. Right. Like if a leader is um has a low um identity themselves, like let’s just say a man doesn’t feel like they’re leading their family spiritually. They want to they see the need for that, but they’re discouraged. And they are. They sense that there’s even like maybe an unspoken competitiveness with their wife. Yeah, right. And they’re being passive. Or maybe they’ve been passive, but they want it to change, but they’re just feeling low about themselves. Or maybe they’re struggling to provide. And so they’re feeling low about themselves because they don’t feel like they’re providing very well, or they’re dissatisfied with what they’re providing. The enemy exploits those weaknesses in men big time, and it affects the whole family. He exploits weaknesses in women, too, but I’m just talking about those specifically because you brought it up. And the truth is, is that if a man is lowly and struggling and he is the leader, whether he wants to admit it or not, the attitude of the children reflects that leadership. Yeah, like kids will have a hard time respecting parents who don’t respect them. Themselves. So if a man doesn’t have respect for what he’s provided for his family and is like going, hey, no, I worked hard for this and we’re going to be content and leading his family in biblical contentment. And there’s just a whole bunch of discontentment, and he’s working hard and he can’t make any more. He’s going to feel bad about what he’s doing and have less respect for himself.

I think, too, it’s good. I just did a podcast on the Resilient Man show, three Questions to Ask Your Wife, and one of them is how can I lead better? And I think that you could your older children, it would be good to ask that in some form or fashion, you know, hey, you know, is there anything I can do better in how I approach our relationship if the relationship isn’t going great? And I think that’s important, I think it shows humility. It opens things up. Just remember that just because things aren’t spoken doesn’t mean people stop thinking about them. What I mean is, if your children, your wife, your friends, somebody is thinking something about you that’s negative. Mhm. You omitting it doesn’t solve it. They’re still thinking it. So wouldn’t you rather bite the bullet and be courageous and ask them. So they actually talk to you about it and not other people. I’m not saying that your family’s a gossip or things like that, but there’s a temptation. There’s a temptation for wives to talk to other wives. There’s a temptation for kids to talk to other kids, and it’s not right. But why don’t you make it easier and actually ask? And that’s for wives, too. Wives should be, you know, how can how can I, you know, do this better, you know, is there anything I can do better for the relationship? And having that posture of humility and hearing things, and even if the things that come out you think are wrong, you have to listen long. And if you listen long, you’re earning more respect. Again, you’re feeling a love tank because people who don’t feel comfortable communicating hard things to you. It’s our job to be initiators so that they get it out, because if they don’t get it out, it gets worse. Mhm.

You know, I think that when we’re talking about kids not responding to our leadership. There’s also this element of listening long that I. I know that for myself, it’s been a sanctifying journey of listening, learning how to listen long and bite your tongue and just be quiet. And I think the older your kids get, the more you have to do that. And I think that, um, it’s it’s an important skill that parents need to know that they need to have, especially in those teen years. Um, but I think that when you’re a mom of littles, I’ve said this so many times when we are managing a home and taking care of little kids, and you’re keeping them on a routine and you’re go, go, go, go, go, and you’re through out the day, you’re actually training yourself in in that busyness. Do you know what I mean? And so when you’re recognizing what am I training myself in? Am I training myself in looking at my kiddos in the eye and saying, I love you and taking time to at least connect with them each day? That’s part of connecting with their hearts, is taking the time to get eye to eye and face to face with them and stop doing the other things, and then you can do the other things later. But and then just saying, hey, I really appreciated spending that time or I really love cuddling you. I really love reading a book with you, or I love hearing about your day or whatever it was.

Right. And, um, I it starts from the time they’re little and then when they’re older and I think that, um, I think that one of the, the hard things about big families is that you can feel like you’ve connected with quite a few kids, but there might be one that you haven’t connected with. And so the challenge is for the mom to and the dad to truly think about each kid. Did I look at each kid in the eye and say, hey, I love you and like, physically touch them somehow positively, whether that’s like a quick back scratch or pat or or a hug or I love you, you know? And the truth is, is it literally changes hearts. It literally changes their receptiveness to hearing you. And so if we don’t ever do that and we’re just constantly talking at them, we’re going to there’s going to be a disconnect and they’re not going to want to be led. They’re not going to have a teachable heart. And this isn’t a one time fix. I’m not saying you oh, if you have problems, chase after their heart, get their heart, and then it’s fixed and you’re good to go the rest of your life. Nope. This is literally going to be a thing that you’re going to potentially have to work through over and over and over again, because in humanity, all of humanity does not naturally desire, rebuke, reproof, correction, hard conversations about bad behavior or whatever, and make.

Sure there’s good times. Make sure you’re proactively having fun as a family. You’re initiating. You’re having fun one on one with your children. Experiences. Experiences are huge that tie the family together. That’s why we did so many RV trips. I’m not saying you have to do that, but what can you do? Maybe camping this summer? Uh, really think about how you can bring the culture together, bring the hearts together towards the siblings, you and the children marriage relationship. Make sure this is going well. You’re having date nights when you can, and maybe a little retreat once in a while. Uh, these kinds of things hard when you have just littles. I know we’ve had long seasons sometimes where we can’t do certain things, but, you know, find ways to cultivate good relationships, good times, and that’s going to really bring joy to your family. But it’s also going to knit hearts, and it makes all of this easier.

It really does. So let’s just end with a couple verses here. Psalm 5110 says, create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. This reminds me of an old song that we used to sing in church. Create me a clean heart. Oh God, and this is such a beautiful. If you wanted to even pull this song up on your on your playlist, sing it with your kids in the morning, read them this Bible verse and say and just have them pray like teach your little ones to pray. Create me a clean heart, God. And then the next one can say, you know and renew a right spirit within me and recognize that this is like something that has to be created in us. And it’s a daily reminder for us that Mom and dad are going to help to do that when they see things that are not clean, that are not righteous. And we do that because we love you. We do this because sin separates us from God, and we don’t want you separated from God, right? Like Jesus died on the cross so that we wouldn’t have to be separated. But we have to do our part. We have to bring those things to him, confess them, repent, and turn away from it. And teaching them this process over and over and over again.

Then when they’re older, you have to just trust. Like if you’ve done your job well, you’ve done your jurisdiction. Today we exhorted parents. We said, listen, you have to recognize your duty as a parent that God gave you to disciple and discipline your children, and to be consistent in that, to teach them the spiritual law of sowing and reaping, to pray for them. Those are your and to love them unconditionally, to chase after their hearts, to lead their hearts. Have hard conversations. This is a courageous parenting podcast. Yes, it takes courage to have the hard conversations. When you think that the pre-teen or the teenager or the young adult is going to be, um, rebellious in their response to you or disrespectful or not listen like you feel like maybe you’re just putting out words and no one’s even hearing. They’re going in one ear and out the other. Have you ever heard that Terme? The thing is, is it takes courage to be consistent. It takes courage to be biblical. And if you do your job faithfully before the Lord, then it’s easier to give your kids back to God and say, okay, I know I can’t change them, Lord, that’s your job. But I train them up in the way they should go.

Thanks for joining us.

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Full Transcript:

Note: This is an automated transcript and misspells or grammar errors may be present.

Welcome to Courageous Parenting Podcast, a weekly show to equip parents with biblical truth on raising confident Christian kids in an uncertain world.

Hi, I’m Angie from Courageous.

Mom and Isaac from Resolute Man Together pursuing the mission to impact 10 million families and their legacies for the Kingdom of God.

We’ve been married for 23 years and are seeing the fruit from raising our nine children biblically. Based on the raw truth found in the Bible.

We can no longer let the culture win the hearts of children, as too many from Christian families are walking away from their faith by the age of 18. And it doesn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t be this way.

We’re praising the Lord. That ministry continues to expand and impact more legacies. We couldn’t do this without you. Whether you pray for us, give us five star reviews, or share on social.

Or even if you purchase courses and merch or join the Be Courageous app community, enjoy the coffee or support financially. We’re so thankful you are a big part of the 10 Million Legacies movement.

If you want access to all the episodes, show notes, and other biblically based resources, go to Be Courageous Ministry.

Org. Join us as we start another important conversation about effective parenting in a fallen world. Welcome back to the podcast. So glad you’re here.

Hey everybody.

Talking about who’s spiritually leading your family.

This might seem like a simple question, but actually there could be a lot of different answers to this question depending on someone’s circumstances.

We’re going to dive into this, and it’s really important to actually think about this, to not just have a first glance at this title, but to really think about it. This episode will help you think about it. But to be introspective, to be really honest, no, really. Who is spiritually leading your family?

You know, it’s interesting, when we were first planning this out and talking, one of the conversations that Isaac and I had is that, you know, sometimes when as as parents start getting older and their kids start having their own opinions and they’re trying to make their faith their own, and they’re struggling if they are opposed to being led by their parents and they allow other influences to lead them, then sometimes that’s reflective in their lifestyle choices. And then we see it actually leading adult parents into changing their doctrine. So that would be in that circumstance, an example of a child actually spiritually leading a family.

Then there’s the dynamics of husband and wife. What happens when the husband gets home? Is the wife actually leading, the husband leading? Are they both leading? I hope so, but we’ll talk about the dynamics of that from a biblical lens.

You know what’s also important? One of the questions that we get a lot is in regards to, um, what if in a marriage only one spouse is a believer and the other isn’t? Or maybe they’re both believers, but only one spouse is really taking their faith seriously. So that this is another good question. We’re going to talk about that more and what that looks like when like only a wife is a believer. Or maybe you’re both believers, but one’s maybe going through more of the motions and just doing it right, checking it off the list, but maybe lacking the relationship. So stay tuned. That’s going to be at the end.

And also an incredible single moms and dads out there. Yeah. How does that look? And when you’re busy and working and all these things. So anyways there’s a lot to this question. And there’s of course, you know, the normal Christian rhythms of, you know, how church is involved too. And sometimes parents are over delegating and just making some assumptions that because they’re getting so many good things from the church, which praise the Lord if that’s the case. Yeah, um, that they let up at home to what really is required. We believe in what we see in the Bible for really discipling your children, especially in these times.

Mhm. Yeah. And you know, this is going to lead us into other topics as well as talking about, you know, how influential is social media or other peers or friends, right. Or even maybe parents of your kids friends and their influence on your family culture, on your family belief system. And so this is going to be a really exciting topic. As you can tell, we have a lot of things to talk about right now.

So buckle your seat belts. But before we jump in, thank you for being part of the 10 Million Legacies movement. Uh, we feel like God has called us to, uh, have a meaningful impact through putting good information out there. Good courses, good books, good free content with workshops, podcasts, uh, and so forth. Free downloads, all kinds of things we’re always thinking about and trying to listen to the Lord on what’s next and what’s most important to further this movement. When you share on social media, when you give at Be Courageous Ministry org, when you, uh, raise your hand and just give a shout out on social media, all of those things, uh, five star reviews on podcast, Apple and Google and Spotify. When you’re on YouTube and you subscribe, it helps the channel. All of that stuff is like raising your hand and saying, I’m in. I believe in what you guys are doing. I want to be a part of it. And we notice. We notice every comment. We notice every single written review, all of those things. And it really does help us and spur us on. This isn’t easy work. Those of you that know that are in full time ministry, it’s not easy at all. And nothing great is easy. What you do, I’m sure, isn’t easy because I’m sure it’s great too. So it’s really important to, um, have a team support one another and support one another. And we appreciate you guys. So all right so let’s start with the challenge here. One of the well a few of the problems that exist when we talk about who is spiritually leading your home is well, let me just be frank. In my opinion, in most not all, but most Christian families, no one is continually spiritually leading in the home. Wow, Isaac, how could you say that?

It’s it’s the truth.

When.

You’re talking about most not all, like you said, but most. And I think that there’s also an element of going in and out of being better at it. Right? What you’re saying is no one is continually so on a over a course of a five year period, you could go. You know what? One thing that we stuck to was being intentional about discipleship and leading our kids in Scripture, right? And so, like, if that’s not something that you can answer to, and I think that, you know, everyone has like moments of sickness and different things like that. But if there’s like a large chunk of time, what we’re talking about is the need that children’s children have to be discipled every day. And the exhortations that we see in Scripture, the commands we see in Scripture, from God to parents about their authority, about the jurisdiction and raising their children and understanding that it truly is our responsibility. And so, you know, I just want to share one of the verses that we kind of we decided to share with you guys today is in Second Timothy chapter four. It’s verses one through five. And before I share it, I want you to think for a second when we’re reading through this passage and ask yourself if this is, um, a symptom of something that you see growing in one of your children, or if this is a symptom of what you see happening to the youth in your church, even because that is a fruit.

What I’m going to read you is actually a symptom of a fruit. And this is a really big problem and God has something to say about it, says, I charge you in the presence of God and Christ Jesus. This is Second Timothy chapter four, verses one through five. I charge you in the presence of God and Christ Jesus, who is the judge of the living and the dead, and by his appearing and his kingdom preach the word. Okay, God is telling us to preach the the word. You guys, he says, preach the word. Be ready in season and out of season. Reprove, rebuke and exhort with complete patience and teaching it. Doesn’t this apply to parents so well? What do we have to do in our jobs with our children? Right? We preach the word. We reprove, we rebuke and exhort with complete patience and teaching. That’s our goal. Verse three for the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears, they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths.

I’m sure that none of us want to see that happen to our kids. As for you, always be sober minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, and fulfill your ministry. This scripture is such a huge encouragement to me as a mom, because while the world is telling you that what you’re doing in your home, if you’re a stay at home mom, or if you’re choosing to be at home with your kids and work from home on the side. But you’re like investing in your kids, the world will tell you, well, well, what are you doing though? What are you doing to contribute? I’m sorry, I am in full time ministry in my home and I’m going to own it and I’m going to preach it and I’m going to I’m going to value that. And I hope my kids understand that that is something that is worthy and of great value. And we as moms get to do the work of an evangelist and fulfill the ministry that God gave us. And the same goes for husbands.

Absolutely. And and I think, I think you believe that because you’re continually rising up to that. So you’re seeing the fruit of your efforts. You’re seeing that your influence matters because you’re trying to influence. And I know you feel this, that sometimes, you know, it doesn’t feel that way in the moment. Uh, there’s discouragements there’s challenges sometimes, but overall unappreciated. But overall, I know, you know, you not only know the biblical truth on this, but you live it out. And so therefore you can have that level of conviction in it. And I just want to encourage everybody to truly live it out, including the husbands. We need to be the spiritual leaders of our home. But women are also very important spiritual leaders. We’ll get into that in a little bit, but I want to speak to the church’s role really quick. You know, we did a whole episode on our thoughts about youth programs and so forth. It’s one of the most popular episodes, actually. I was recently looking it’s in the top ten ever. Yeah. And wow, at a.

Way out of 200 and like 80. Yeah.

So and we absolutely believe in the church, we believe in youth programs, we believe in these things. But what we don’t believe in is parents not being the most important role. See, these things are good and helpful. They should validate and encourage all of the things already happening by parents in their home. Parents need to be the main thing, the the main influences that are discipling their children. That’s what courageous parenting is all about. And the church and you take them to church. And then there’s other adults validating that are qualified, validating what you’re doing and teaching the Bible and being, uh, even a refining process to what they’ve been taught.

But, you know, it is so important about that, as you were sharing that. It just got me thinking about that is why it’s so important that you’re going to a church where there’s like. Christ followers that you can trust that are going to be saying the same things that you’re saying when you’re discipling your kids, where the youth pastor, for example, because that’s what you were just bringing up instead of pointing children to themselves as the spiritual authority. Oh, you can call me any time. And and you should. You know, I’m more than happy to study spiritual gifts with you. And we can do that. And and that’s that’s great and that’s generous. But hey, what about pointing kids back to their parents and saying, have you talked to your parents about that? Understanding that God actually gave their parents the authority and the position to be the ones that are fully discipling their children? And then if the the kid is saying, yeah, I asked my parents and they’re just really not interested, then stepping in the gap for the parents and reaching out to the parents and saying, hey, did you know your kid is asking these questions? It should be a team, not a competition. Yeah, absolutely. Because everybody has doctrine and everyone is not necessarily in alignment unless you can honestly say that, you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that the people that are speaking into your kids lives believe exactly the same thing, that you believe on all points of doctrine, then you’re in a position where you could end up having division in your own family. You got to go listen to our podcast episode On a Divided House.

Here’s a healthy church. A healthy church, uh, that is equipping the next generation. Yes, they’re offering some things for the next generation. But most importantly, to add on to what Angie’s talking about is they are expecting parents, equipping parents, and encouraging parents to disciple their children because discipleship has to be a way of life. It has to be a natural rhythm of parenting. We have to be pointing people to God, our children, to God all of the time, having the challenging conversations and seeing what Scripture says about it, correcting our children and pointing them to Christ and sharing scripture with them. Table talks at breakfast or at dinner or whenever you do it. And these kinds of things are super, super important. And Deuteronomy six six through nine it says, and these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk, by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise, you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as friendless between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

And you’ve probably heard that before. If you haven’t. Either way, it’s such an important scripture because we are always to be training our children. We’re always to be equipping them every second. No, no, I think you know what I mean. But a daily basis, it needs to be the major intent of our parenting if we do that consistently. Most importantly, while loving our children well, I think the rest will work itself out. But if we don’t prioritize that as most important, if we have this facade and believing that what’s happening at church in midweek is enough and I can just make sure they’re fed, love them, and take them to the next sports gig, then you’re terribly wrong. You’re not likely. I hope you do, but not likely going to have the fruit you want. The stats don’t lie. About 80% of children raised in Christian homes walk away from the church by age 18, so you can’t defy the odds unless you’re doing something differently. And what is the thing that needs to be done differently? The Bible clearly states that parents need to be equipping, discipling, loving on their kids and pointing them to Christ.

Yeah, it’s interesting too, because you could think about the schools that are out there and there are well intentioned institutions that are even Christian academies or Christian schools, right. And a lot of parents who maybe feel ill equipped or they feel inadequate for teaching, they will delegate that kind of discipleship and teaching and, and knowledge based education of Scripture and things like that to a school. Right. And they’ll pay a lot of money to do so. And I know that the intentions are right, but at the end of the day, what are your kids learning and is it in alignment with what you believe? And if it isn’t, is that ever going to surface in your family relationships down the road, ten, 20, 30, 40 years? And is that going to impact the unity in your family as well as faith? Like, this is the thing, going to a school and gaining knowledge like I can even think of seminary. I’m just going to bring that up for a second because seminary, I went to a Bible college, actually, I went to two of them and I, you know, I was learning a lot of things. Some were in alignment with what I was raised and with what my parents believed. Some was not. And I was on a journey of really searching for truth and growing in my faith.

And it was a really powerful experience in my life. But here’s the thing I still pursued having conversations with both my mom and dad about a lot of the things, but there were still things that they had no idea about, just simply because I was living far away from them. And I think that that is a huge reality that most kids experience. And they go away to school. And it takes a different kind of intentionality, a relational intentionality to have your kids coming to you and sharing those things and feeling like it’s a safe place where they can talk about them. And I think this is the thing. I think that a lot of kids, when they’re growing up and they’re getting, you know, they’re learning knowledge about God sometimes within that 80% that end up walking away from the faith or leaving the church. They think they know God. They think they’ve already tried out religion because they went to a Christian school and they gained knowledge, or they went to Sunday school every day, growing up, every Sunday growing up. And so they know what the Bible is. They know that Jesus died on the cross for their sins, and he rose again from the grave. And they know these like they know stories, and that what they’re told is that their stories versus told that their history and all of these things make a massive impact on our kids.

But this is the final thing, you guys. It’s not about what you know. It’s about relationship. And relationship is first modeled in our relationships with our kids within our marriage and like really striving to teach our kids that the most important thing, first and foremost is to know God and to know him. Yeah, we read the Bible and we gain knowledge, but it’s a relationship and it’s those kids that understand relationship and are taught like you have to put in effort. You have to pursue God in the same way because it’s a two way street. Those are the kids that are less likely to walk away from the faith. And that’s a discipleship thing that happens. Yes, every day throughout the day when you’re sitting, when you’re rising, when you’re standing, when you’re laying down. And it’s really important that we recognize the power of the ministry that God has given us, and he’s given it to us, the parents. So whatever. However many kids you have, like recognizing. God chose me to be their parent, not that person over there. That’s right. To own it.

That’s right. So let’s talk about husbands and wives. Um, first of all, let’s see what the Bible says about this and then we’ll dive into it. I believe we’re going to give a very biblical and balanced perspective on this. You know, whenever we do something like this, we always gain some listeners and lose some listeners. But we believe we’re saying exactly what the Bible says with a balanced view on it.

Yeah. So we’re just going to dive into some of the hardest scriptures here that tend to be controversial in the world today. Um, first Corinthians chapter 11. We’re gonna go through verse three and maybe a couple more verses says, but I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of every wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. That’s kind of really clear. Yeah, not kind of. It’s just really clear. And I think that people have a hard time hearing verses that are like that because our, in our nature, it’s it is hard to hear that sometimes, especially if you’re a woman, especially with the feminist movement that’s out there and this, um, you know, Isaac and I, we did this courageous marriage series. It’s in the Be Courageous app, by the way, and it’s free in there. If you you can get the Be Courageous app for a week for free and try it out. And you could go through all our videos, but the very first one is on oneness. And we’re going to see a little portion of Scripture here that talks about the importance of oneness, because. Ultimately, what we’re talking about is who is spiritually leading your family. We just read a verse that said husbands are the head of every wife. So the conclusion would be.

Well, is that the husbands are the spiritual leaders of their families, but wives are very important spiritual leaders also. And I think that it would be a huge detriment if wives weren’t intentionally reading scripture to their children. I mean, they’re with them more hours than husbands are in this day and age, and probably in past too. So it is so important that women are equipped and and and also when we think about the Scripture. Husband and wives are equal in value, but made differently, male and female made differently. And they’re a team. And any time you have a successful team, you just look at team dynamics. Anytime there’s a successful team, there is somebody leading and there’s also a group of leaders usually. But there is the the buck stops somewhere and hopefully if a husband is leading well, the buck stops actually with Christ. They are submitted to Christ and they are servant leaders. They are doing everything for the best interest of their wife and their family and not their own self-interest. And they are trying their best to lead in that selfless kind of way and looking to Christ as an example of how to lead. None of us are going to do it perfect. We stub our toes and our wives are are forgiving. Wives stubbed their toes too. And that’s it. But but two become one flesh. We become a team, and that team isn’t working properly. If both parents aren’t focused on the discipleship of their children.

Yeah. And understanding that that’s really a mission that you’re on together. The discipleship of your children is a ministry. It’s a mission that you’re on together with your spouse. When we look at Ephesians chapter five, verse 22 and 23, it says, wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, his body and is himself its Savior. Like understanding that God has order for his glory and God in these scriptures. If you were to go back and read more of first Corinthians 11 and Ephesians five, you’re going to see that this is to show that there is an example of of the church, and we get to be lights to the world when we’re operating in this biblical way of having marriage and having spiritual leadership within our families. It’s a light to the world of what the church is supposed to actually be like. And that’s what’s so encouraging about it. And that’s why we chose this scripture. It says, for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church. Look at that imagery. The image bearing is happening right there.

One of the things I see as my job is to make sure the children value and want to hear from their mom, want to hear spiritual things from their mom. So it’s really yes, I do things that are you would talk about are spiritual leadership. But in addition, I do things that help her also lead well and to be able to be listened to and respected by all the children and so forth. And I very easily could do things. And I’ve made this mistake before, uh, where I do things that make her not as respected and that is a detriment to the discipleship of our children. It’s a detriment to our family. It is poor leadership. Have I been a poor leader at times? Yes. I think all men have. We’re learning. We’re in a learning process. But I think that if we are going to really take that baton, we want to be then in the Word of God, because the Word of God is going to temper us. There’s no way we can be good leaders without reading the Word of God on a regular basis, not compared to what God has called us to be doing in a way that our wives want. Our leadership want us to be spiritual leading because they also feel encouraged to use their gifts and to share with their children, and to be an important influence, even in spiritual things, with their children.

Yeah. And, you know, wives likewise are not perfect at this either. Right? Like, think of all of the potential grumbling, complaining, whining, pity party looking down on scowling body language. You know, all of the things that potentially women struggle with in regards to respecting their husbands. Right. Um, and how that has an influence on whether the kids are going to actually respect the mom. I’m going to say that it does affect how they look at their their dad, for sure. Like if you’re grumbling, complaining about their dad, they’re going to recognize the thing that you’re grumbling and complaining about, right? And then they may lose respect for him. But really, who are they going to lose more respect from the person that is complaining or not doing a good job leading actually. And so recognizing the power that you both have in your children, having respect for you or not is really, really important. And again, we are not perfect at this by any means, but we’ve learned a lot over the years for sure. We’re a lot better than we were. Right? Um, but I will say that this is something that you need to consciously, purposefully choose to try to get better at and to take before the Lord confess, apologize, repent all of those things in front of your children to at times.

And you know, there’s an interesting verse if you the same chapter that we were just in Ephesians, chapter five, verse 31, you mentioned oneness and in the Courageous Marriage series, our first whole, our teaching is all on oneness. It’s so good, you guys. Um, but we don’t have a lot of time to get into that. But this verse in verse 31, it says, therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast. To his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. That was the verse that you just briefly mentioned. It says this mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. So there’s that imagery again. And it says, however, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. And so this passage of Scripture, this isn’t a choice. If you’re a Christian, you’re claiming Christ. This is what the Bible says.

I love that it says the guys need to love their wives as if they were like their selves. Right? Um, no man hates their own flesh. And that becomes before wives respect your husbands. There is an order in the way the Scripture comes out. And I don’t know. I think that that is important as leaders by our love is going to make it easier or harder for our wives to respect us and our kids to really.

But it does start with the husband. And I think that there is an important understanding that because Scripture talks about the husband as the head, when the husband is leading poorly, because let me just say something. We when we talk about legacies, we’ve always had this saying that everyone leaves a legacy, whether it’s intentional or unintentional. You are going to leave a legacy, period. What is it going to be? And your leadership will be reflective in your legacy. Actually, um, by God’s grace, he can he can do amazing things despite the sins and mistakes that you make. But we need to take responsibility and understand the power of influence that we have as parents and as husbands and wives, and what we model to our kids trying to live out biblically in a fallen world. That’s so against verses like we just read to you guys can be really hard. You might actually be listening to these going, oh, it’s refreshing to hear those Bible verses. They’re not shying away from verses where it says, wives, submit to your husbands. Have respect for them. They’re not. Oh, there’s a man talking about being a servant leader. And that’s how you lead. And let me just tell you, we will still get people who will persecute and disagree, even though what they’re really disagreeing with is the Word of God, not Isaac and Angie. This is what God’s Word is saying, and we’re just not overlooking Scripture. And we bring it to you. Because the original question posed at the very beginning of the podcast is who is spiritually leading your family?

And the challenge? And the problem is, nobody actually in most Christian families are continuously teaching, training, equipping in godly ways and pointing to Christ and sharing Scripture and teaching Scripture and teaching the ways of God, correcting children on a consistent basis, uh, in a biblical approach and these kinds of things. And that’s why we’re going to get to, um, you know, what happens if a spouse is the only one that’s a believer, or is the only one focused on really discipling, uh, or single moms and dads in a second? But first of all, I just want to invite you, um, this episode in many more that we’ve talked about, is why we created the courageous parenting, uh, mentor program. So the parenting mentor program. And so, just for about a minute, I want you to hear from some people, uh, these are a few of the people over 3000 now that have gone through the program, and it’s massively altered the trajectory of their legacy.

Steve and I realized that we were getting too comfortable with the world’s vision of how to raise our children.

What Angie and Isaac have done in creating this is literally phenomenal.

This program provided awesome scripture based teachings and just some really great practical applications.

This class has just really rocked my world.

It has given me a vision for not just the different things that we might focus on as parents who are trying to raise our kids biblically, like how our kids are behaving or what we’re doing with discipline, but also the things of the heart.

We now have a game plan to how we want to raise our children. We have so many answers to the questions that have been in our mind.

It’s not just these hypothetical situations or it’s not just this. Here’s what I think you should do. It’s let me show you where in Scripture this is.

Do your legacy a favor and yourself a favor and just do it.

One of the best things that we’ve done this year, one of the best investments we’ve made this year. And I could not recommend it more.

We’re no longer fearing dark days ahead, but we’re so excited to raise lights to be leaders for the next generation.

Okay, so let’s dive into, um, the situational stuff, right?

So in a marriage, sometimes there are two people who are married and they’re yoked and they’re both professing believers, but maybe one is more intentional than the other, usually. So we’ve been at this ministry thing for quite a few years and we get a lot of messages. So I would say overwhelmingly we get more messages from women saying that their husbands are not believers or they’re not leading spiritually and asking how they can help their husbands and encourage them to be leaders. Um, you know, this is something that we have written about. We’ve done podcasts on. So just look through our podcast. From that. We’ve also talked about it more in the Be Courageous app, and we talk about it specifically in that Courageous Marriage series that’s in the Be Courageous app. But this is a really it’s almost like it’s a epidemic. Yeah. Um, in especially Western culture, I’m going to say Western culture, Western religion. Um, because there has been a rebellion against tradition and a rebellion against even biblical gender roles, and there is always going to be a consequence for that rebellion. There’s always going to be a ripple effect that affects generations, even. And you may not even be aware of some of the remnants of the generational sin or the generational attitudes and perspectives that are not biblical worldviews. But I guarantee you, if you are desiring to love God in His Word and live it out as he says, the more you seek him, the more your mind will be renewed and it will literally transform your marriage. And I just want to encourage those women that are married to unbelievers.

I wish I would have, um, brought this scripture. I think that it’s in first Peter chapter three. Let me just grab it really quick here. Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands so that even if some do not obey the word. So a lot of people think that this scripture is talking about people who are unbelievers, like they’re married to an unbeliever. And this definitely could apply in that situation, but this is someone who is being disobedient. If you’re being disobedient to the word, that means you know what the word says and you’re choosing not to do what it says. You’re choosing not to obey. So it says, likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives. And when they see you, respectful and pure conduct. That’s amazing. And this is an encouragement that’s in first Peter chapter three. It’s verse one, and it just continues on talking about how women can live with having the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit and that that’s precious in God’s sight. And I just want to I think that that’s a huge encouragement to anyone, whether they’re married to someone who is an unbeliever. And they’re they’re kind of aware of what is righteous in a sense. Right? What’s right? Right. Living is literally part of the definition of righteousness. Um, and they’re learning it by your conduct is what the Scripture is saying. And they can be won over by a respectful heart attitude. That’s incredible.

We’ve even got some testimonies, uh, ladies have shared with us through messaging that they’ve this has happened and they’ve seen fruit from it. Also, a great movie, fireproof, uh, is all about that, actually, um, which is, um, you know, came to mind. Yeah.

I think that there’s a real power in us women understanding the sacred influence that we have in our husbands lives. They are still the head spiritual leaders as we read in Scripture. But that doesn’t mean that you aren’t a leader and that you’re not somehow having influence in your husband’s life. When two become one, you influence each other, and that that passage of when a man will leave his mother and father and cleave to the wife, and the two shall become one like that’s in that same chapter about submission and headship for a reason, because we do have an incredible impact on each other’s lives. But this is an encouragement for also the women who are married to a believer who maybe is just more head knowledge, maybe not so much relationship with God. And you see the potential and you want so much for your husband. You’re on fire for the Lord, and you’re growing in your relationship with God. And maybe you’re feeling more distance in your relationship with your husband. And if that’s you right now, I just want to encourage you to be faithful to what you’re learning in the word. You should not be stopping seeking God because your husband is not leading you.

Keep growing, keep growing. Somebody needs to spiritually lead that family, and it’s going to be you. Actually, um, we see evidence and stories in the Bible. Read one in a second of where wives are really important spiritual leaders and become the most important when the husband is not willing to. And so I think that, you know, God will do what God wants to do, and he’s going to make those things happen. In fact, in second Timothy one five, it’s just this great part. It says, I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice, and now, I’m sure, dwells in you as well. For this reason, I’m I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of the hands. For God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power, love, and self control. And it’s so cool, because in this example, Paul is really exhorting Timothy, who is younger and he has a great leadership job as the churches are being planted and he needs to install elders and deacons and Paul’s directing him to do this and so forth, because the church is growing like crazy. Well, where did he who. Discipled Timothy, this great leader in history.

His mom and grandma, his mom.

And grandma actually.

His the time he was little.

From what I can get it. From what I can tell, his dad wasn’t a believer. And so this is really powerful. And so I just want to encourage any wives out there that they should be diligently or single moms, diligently discipling your children, teaching them the ways of God. And yes, there’s more on your shoulders, but we have the understanding and the grace of God that Jesus is there to help you. And and maybe there’s other people that in the church that can be additive, of course. But, you know, take on that role, disciple your children. Wives are so powerful, so important, so influential. Oh, it’s so incredible. You know, it’s so incredible.

Really encouraging is I recently heard a testimony of someone who was in this situation where their husband was calling themselves a believer. They were professing Christ, um, they were going to church sometimes, but not all the time. Right. And not leading or like spiritually in the home or really in any way. And she was she was leading in the home, taking her kids to church, Sunday school, being, you know, involved in VBS, all these things. And her kids as she was discipling them. And her kids really fell in love with Jesus. And it wasn’t just her conduct. It was the fruit that her husband saw in the kids lives that changed his heart towards God and what he thought was religion, but really was relationship with God. And so I want to encourage you to that sometimes. Sometimes it’s not necessarily us, even though we have this desire to like, impact another person’s life, especially someone we love as much as a spouse. But sometimes it’s the fruit from being faithful in the things that God has called us to in all things. That ends up being the thing that really draws our spouse and the person that we love the most. Back to the Lord.

So I hope when you ask yourself the question and you’ve been honest and you think through it, who’s spiritually leading your family, you can raise your hand and confidently say, either I am and have been continually discipling my children. It is a rhythm in my life as a parent and in our home. Or you can confidently raise your hand. I am motivated, I am committed, Lord help me. But I want that to be part of my home. And either way, uh, praise the Lord. And if this has been helpful to you, we hope you share it.

Um, thanks so much for joining us. Hey, thanks for listening. And being a part of the 10 Million Legacies movement, go to be Courageous Ministry. Org for more biblically based resources, ways to switch where you spend your money that support the mission, and information about the incredible Be Courageous app community for believers.

Also, we wanted to quickly tell you about our six week online Parenting Mentor program.

Isaac and I created a powerful biblical curriculum. Here’s how it works. Each week, we release a video session with a downloadable parenting packet to make it easy for you to incorporate those teachings directly into your parenting.

This is an incredible, self-paced program. We cover everything from tending to their hearts, handling obedience to overcoming mistakes most Christians are making. But more than that, it’s a supportive community. You’ll have access to our private group and the Be Courageous app, live webcasts, and direct access to us.

If you’re interested in joining our next online Parenting Mentor program, secure your spot now at Be Courageous Ministry. Org that’s Be Courageous Ministry org.